Subj: Catholic Jokes
(Includes 24 jokes and articles, 29825n,3,cf,md,2)
Cup, Cross, & Bread from
Also see BIRD-PARROTS - 'Swearing
Parrot Meets Christian Parrots'
BLONDE2 file - 'Blonde Wants To Cross The Street'
CHURCH file - 'Two Bad Boys'
CHURCH-SUPP - 'Are You Kathlick?'
DOG1 file - 'Mass For A Dead Dog'
DOG2 file - 'Fundamentalist Couple Buy A Dog'
EBONICS file - 'The Ebonic Hail Mary'
GOD1 file - 'God Quotation'
.........GOD2 file - 'Woman Calls God From Hell'
HOSPITAL1 - 'The Hospital Bill'
HOOKER2 file - 'Vet's Mother Donates Money To Church'
HORSES file - 'Catholic Horses'
IRISH2 file - 'Irish Girl Sends Money To Parents'
JEWISH1 file - 'Converting To Catholicism And Eating Steak'
......................-'Mrs. Goldstein Vacations In Miami'
LATIN file - 'Helpful Little Known Latin Phrases'
LETTERS2 file- 'Little Bobby Writes A Letter To God'
POPE file - 'Colonel Sanders Visits The Pope'
......................- 'The Pope Is Challenged To A Golf Match'
......................- 'American Has Audience With Pope'
PRIEST1 file - 'Vagas Churches'
......................- 'Bob Hope's Wife And The Priests'
PRIEST2 file - 'Priest And Young Boy Talk About His Collar'
QUOT-COMED-S2- 'Father Guido Sarducci's Life Is A Job' - Movie
.........RELIGION1 - 'Bible Study Group'
......................- 'PMS In The Bible'
RELIGION2 - 'Who Was Jesus' Mother'
SCHOOL1 file - 'Old-Fashioned Catholic Discipline'
Sistine Chapel -- Virtual Tour (S739d)
From: ginafm on 3/6/2011
This web page is so amazingly
wonderful. Your mouse controls
the directions. You can enlarge/shrink the image using the
controls on the bottom left of the screen. If your mouse has
a mouse wheel, it can be done that way, too. Go to the above
source, or 'HERE' for my copy, to get a private, 360° tour
of the Sistine Chapel.
The source is a larger, better
image, and the music is
Subj: The Blonde Who Married A Catholic (S643c)
From: gattica30 on 5/8/2009
On their honeymoon, the blonde
bride slipped into a sexy
nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed,
only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on
the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not
going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent'.
In tears, she sobbed, 'Well,
that is the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for
Subj: Murphy Tries To Steal A Hat At Mass (S410)
From: PGM2R4U on 11/21/2004
(Also see 'Minister Looses His Bike' in PREACHER)
Murphy showed up at Mass one
Sunday and the priest almost
fell down in surprise when he saw him. Murphy had never
been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest
caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you
decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest
with you Father. A while
back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really loved that
hat. I know that McGlynn had one just like mine and I knew
that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that
McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured
he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going
to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy,
I notice that you didn't
steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said "Well, after I heard
your sermon on the 10
commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal
The priest gave Murphy a big
smile and said "After I talked
about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather
do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"
Murphy shook his head and said
"No, Father, after you
talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered
where I left my hat."
Subj: Kerry Contributes To Catholic Church (S393)
From: jbcary1 on 8/4/2004
Kerry was going to visit the
Catholic National Cathedral
outside Washington as part of his campaign. Kerry's
campaign manager made a visit to the Cardinal and said to
him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among
Catholics because of Kerry's position on abortion and the
like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of
$100,000 if during your sermon you'd say John Kerry is
a saint." The Cardinal thinks it over for a moment and
agrees to do it. Kerry shows up, and as the Mass progresses
the Cardinal begins his homily. "John Kerry is petty, a
self absorbed hypocrite and a nit-wit. He is a liar, a
cheat, and a thief. He is the worst example of a Catholic
I've ever personally known. But compared to Ted Kennedy,
John Kerry is a saint."
Virgin Mary Comes Alive Prank (S819d)
From: tom on 9/20/2012
Picture from YouTube.com
The Virgin Mary steps on a lit
candle scaring everyone
who didn't expect her to suddenly come alive. She
then proceeds to wink at the victims while the always
gorgeous and sexy nun prays to God and thanks the holy
spirit for this miracle. Click on the above source,
or 'HERE' for my copy, to see this cute Just For Laughs
Subj: Mother Teresa's Favorites (S386)
From: drgolfmd on 6/10/2004
People are often
unreasonable and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind,
people may accuse you of ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are honest,
people may cheat you.
Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness,
people may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today
may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end,
it is between you and God.
It never was between you and them anyway.
Subj: Catholic Dictionary (S350b)
From: gheckman on 10/10/2003
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose
singing allows the rest
of the congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually
sung in a key three octaves
higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song
at Mass often sung a little
more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests
known for their ability to find
colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek
words that most Catholics can
recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't
covered by an HMO.
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel
has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device
in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation
at the beginning of Mass
consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and
late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession
at the conclusion of
Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd
to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been
going to Mass for so long, they
actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important
Top Ten list not given
by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the
parish who don't know the
seating capacity of a pew.
Subj: Catholic Ladies Discuss Their Sons (S211, S599b)
From: KMACINTY on 2/15/2001
and From: ginafm on 7/4/2008
Four Catholic ladies are having
coffee together, discussing
how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends,
"My son is a priest. When
he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.
The second Catholic woman chirps,
"Well, my son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'.
The third Catholic woman says
smugly, "Well, not to put
yours down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into
a room, people say Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips
her coffee in silence. The
first three women give her this subtle "Well"....? She
replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied, male
stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say.........
"OH MY GOD"
Sunday Clothes (S735 in Church-Supp)
From: tom on 2/9/2011
Drawing from Purzuit.com...
Subj: Heaven, Be Quiet Passing Room 8 (S148)
From: gheckman on 12/01/1999
A man arrives at the gates of
St. Peter asks, "Religion?"
The man says, "Episcopalian."
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24.
But be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates
St. Peter: "Religion"?
St. Peter: "Go to room 18. But be very quiet as you pass
A third man arrives at the gates.
St. Peter: "Religion?"
St. Peter: "Go to room 11. But be very quiet as you pass
The man asks, "I can understand
there being different rooms
for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass
St. Peter tells him, "Well, the
Catholics are in room 8,
and they think they're the only ones here."
Subj: Maria Dies After Her Two Husbands (S115)
From: RobertTompkins on 4/10/99
(Also see 'Woman Dies After Three Husbands' in FUNERAL)
Maria is a devout Catholic. She
gets married and has 17
children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks
later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he
dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks
skyward and says, "At least
they're finally together."
A guy sitting in the front row
says, "Excuse me father, but
you do mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
Subj: Dying Man Asks For Priest (S78, S766)
From: mbucher on 98-07-25
and From: tom on 9/14/2011
A man is struck by a bus on a
busy street in New York City. He
lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers
"A priest. Somebody get me a
priest!" the man gasps. A policeman
checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps a
little old Jewish man of at least
eighty years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man,
"I'm not a priest. I'm not even a
Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St.
Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm
listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some
comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought
the octogenarian over to
where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured
and says in a solemn voice:
"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."
Subj: Woman Tries To Attend Mass Without Head Cover (DU)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #165 on 98-07-04
Several years ago, the Catholic Church
required women to wear
a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a
lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her
that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady reappears,
wearing her blouse
tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot
allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I see. And your left one
isn't bad either, but you still
must wear a blouse to enter this church."
Subj: A Question For Mary (S353)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/14/98
A man dies and finds himself
at the pearly gates being
greeted by Peter. Peter informs the man that he can have
one wish granted as he enters heaven. The man says his
wish is to ask the Virgin Mary one question. Peter looks
a little stunned but says that it is an easy wish to fulfill.
He takes the man to Mary and
explains what the man wants.
Mary says that she is honored to grant the man his wish and
asks what is his question. The man says that in all the
images he has seen of Mary, the paintings, sculptures, frescos
and carvings she always looks so sad. His question is why
does she look so sad.
Mary looks around to see if anyone
else is listening and then
leans over and whispers in the man's ear. "Well to tell you
the truth I really wanted a girl."
Subj: Bats In The Church Belfry
From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/11/98
Three priests were sitting around
discussing how things were
going at their respective parishes. Priest number one com-
plains of a terrible bat infestation, and it is soon clear
that this is something of an epidemic. After much discussion
of all matters clerical, the fathers go home for the night.
After a week or so, they meet
again. Priest1: I tried to get
rid of my bats this week. I shot at the buggers with my
shotgun, but I think I damaged the belfry more than the bats!
I still have no way of getting rid of them!
Priest2: I tried another way.
I couldn't bring myself to
shoot them, after all they are God's creatures, so I went up
with a big box. I knocked all the bats into the box with a
stick and drove out to the forest where I released them.
But they were back at the church before I was!!
Priest3: I've solved the problem.
I did much the same thing.
I had all the bats in the box, but before I released them,
I baptised and confirmed every one of them, and they have not
been back since......
Subj: Michelangelo And The Old Woman
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #180
Michelangelo is painting the
ceiling of the Sistine Chapel
when he sees an old woman praying the Rosary. He decides
to take a break and lies back on the scaffolding so the
woman can't see him and says in a loud voice, "I am
Jesus Christ. Listen to me and I will perform miracles."
The old woman is intent on her
beads and does not look up.
Michelangelo figures that she is hard of hearing, so he
shouts, "I am Jesus Christ! Listen to me and I will
With head bent, the woman continues
praying so Michelangelo
shouts, "I AM JESUS CHRIST! LISTEN TO ME!"
The old woman yells back, "Would
you shut the hell up? I'm
talking to your mother!"
Subj: Clinton And The Pope Die On The Same Day
From: ipkis on 97-07-17
Clinton and the Pope die on the
same day, and due to some
administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the
Pope gets sent to hell. The Pope explains the situation to
the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the
error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will
take about 24 hours to make the switch.
The next day, the Pope is called
in and the hell admin-
istration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the
way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about
the mix up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: You're a day late.
Subj: A Drunk Enters The Confessional (S59, S678)
From: DoctorDebt on 2/18/2004
and From: AFine963 on 1/10/2010
A drunk was staggering down the
main street of town. Somehow
he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and
into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally
making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the
man's sorry progress and
figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded
to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was
rewarded only by a lengthy silence.
Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunk's voice
from behind the partition.
"You got any toilet paper on your side?"
Subj: Mary's Husband Dies (S61, S370)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #235 on 97-10-29
and From: DoctorDebt on 2/18/2004
Father O'Grady was saying his
goodbye's to the parishioners
after his Sunday morning service as he always does when
Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.
"Well what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary" said the father,
"that's terrible. Tell me
Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"
Subj: Short Catholic Jokes
Subj: Glass Confessionals In England (S244b)
From: jerry on 10/2/2001
The Catholic Church of England and Wales, to prevent child
sex abuse, announced that soundproof glass confessionals
will replace traditional wooden ones so that the priest
will be visible during the act of contrition.
This decision was prompted after
21 priests (out of 5,600
in England) were convicted of child abuse over a four-year
period. Additionally, each church must appoint a child
protection representative and a child protection
Reuters via Yahoo News 18-Sep-01
From: Puneet385 on 10/5/2002 (S296b)
Our local Catholic church has plans to bring their
parishioners to services by bus; they plan to call
it mass transit -- Robert Tanner
From: jtgalvan on 5/21/2006 (S487b)
Protons have mass? I didn't even
know they were Catholic.
From: RFSlick on 98-08-25
I'm Catholic. My mother and I were unpacking and she found
my diaphragm. I had to tell her it was a bathing cap for
Q: How do you get a Catholic
girl to stop screwing you?
A: Marry her.
Q: Why has the Virgin Mary always
been portrayed as a brunette?
A: Because, she wouldn't have been a virgin if she was blonde.
.............................Don't fall from the cross GIF from GIFs Rubrik.