Subj: Jokes About Nuns1
(Includes 27 jokes and articles, 30 1037b,6,cf,wXT4b,3)
Flying Nun from
Also see BIRD-PARROT - 'Three
Nuns And A Talking Parrot'
CABDRIVER - 'Cab Driver Asks To Kiss A Nun'
CAMEL file - 'A Nun, A Priest And A Dead Camel'
CATHOLIC - 'Dave Allen On Being Catholic' - Video
CONTRACTR-ETC- 'Nun Visits Construction Site'
COWBOY file - 'Two Texans, Two Nuns, And A Football Game'
ELDERLY2 - 'Grandpa Likes Hospital'
GAMES2 file - 'Hangnun'
HEAVEN2 file - 'Three Nuns Go To Heaven And Return'
HOSPITAL1 - 'The Hospital Bill'
JEWISH3 file - 'The Taylor' - Movie
MIDDLE_EAST - 'Virgins Waiting In Heaven'
NATIONAL file- 'A Nun Speaks About America'
PRIEST1 file - 'A Priest And A Nun Spend The Night'
......................- 'Priest And The Donkey Race'
......................- 'Three Girls Leaving The Orphanage'
......................- 'Two Priests Buy Overcoats'
PRIEST2 file - 'Priest Gets Up On The Wrong Side'
......................- 'Two Priests In The Shower'
PRIEST3 file - 'Two Priests Go On Vacation'
SCHOOL3 file - 'The Sister's 'List Of Names' Assignment
SOLDIER1 file- 'GI Deserter Meets Nun'
WORD-Jokes1 - 'Nun Spends The Night In A Monastery'
Subj: Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S613c)
By Bob Thaves on 10/4/2008
Rubber Cement Commercial (S671d, S843)
From: darrellvip on 11/19/2009
In this cute video, a statue
breaks in a nunnery. This
priceless 1992 ad for a product called Talens Rubber
Cement is a television commercial that swept the Cannes
International Advertising Film Festival, winning its
Grand Prix award. Click 'HERE' to see this funny ad.
Subj: Smoking Nuns (S190)
From: RFSlick on 6/20/99
Two nuns were in back of the
convent smoking cigarettes, when
one said, "It'is bad enough that we have to sneak out here to
smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette
butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them." The second
nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom,
which works really well for this problem. You just open up the
packet, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in,
roll it up and dispose of it all later!" The first nun was
quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
"You get them at the drug store,
Sister, just go and ask the
pharmacist for them." The next day the good sister went to the
drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning Sister,"
said the pharmacist. "What can I do for you today?
"I'd like some condoms please," said the nun.
The pharmacist was a little taken
a back, but recovered soon
enough and asked "How many boxes would you like -- there are
twelve to a box."
"I'll take twelve boxes -- that
should last about a week" said
The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted
by this time, and was
almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism
prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, "Sister, what size
condoms would you like -- we have large, extra large, and big
The sister thought for a minute,
and finally said "I'm not
certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?"
The pharmacist promptly passed out.
Subj: Nun Gains Weight (S122)
From: grs on 5/27/99
A nun was walking in the convent
when one of the priests
noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little
weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.
"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest
noticed that she had gained
even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?"
he asked again.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.
A couple of months later the
priest noticed Sister Susan
pushing a baby carriage around the convent.
He leaned over and looked in
the carriage and said, "Cute
Subj: Car Load Of Nuns Pulled Over By Policeman (S75)
From: thebartend on 98-07-10
A Policeman pulled over a carload
POLICEMAN: Sister this is a 65MPH Highway, Why are you
going so slow?
SISTER: Sir, I saw alot of signs that said 22 not 65.
POLICEMAN: Oh Sister, that's not the speed limit,
that's the Highway that you are on.
SISTER: Oh silly me, Thank you for telling me that.
I'll be more careful.
In the meantime the Polceman
is looking in the backseat
at the other Nuns. They are shaking and tremblng.
POLICEMAN: Excuse me Sister, Whats wrong with your friends back
there? They are shaking and trembling real bad.
SISTER: Oh, we just got off the 119.
Subj: Two Nuns Come To USA And Eat A Hot Dog (S69, S341)
From: RFSlick on 98-05-23
and From: DoctorDebt on 7/28/2003
Two elderly Scottish nuns have
just arrived in the USA by
boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants
of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies,
"but if we shall live in America,
we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically,
the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both
walk towards it.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to
oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns
hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first
to open hers, then, staring at it
for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously,
"What part did you get?"
Subj: Nuns Run Out Of Gas (S125, S432)
From: JOELFALLON on 6/17/99
and From: darrell94590 on 5/4/2005
A couple of nuns who were nursing
sisters had gone out to
the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back
they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas.
They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a
Seeing ladies of the cloth in
distress, the driver stopped
to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some
gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain
some from his tank but he didnt have a bucket or can.
One of the nuns dug out a clean
bedpan and asked the
driver if he could use it. He said yes and proceeded to
drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved
goodbye to the nuns and left. The nuns were carefully
pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the
highway patrol came by.
The trooper stopped and watched
for a minute, then he
said: "Sisters, I dont think it will work, but you sure
Subj: Mother Teresa Quote (903)
From: Christina Moore on Facebook
Subj: Bus Full Of Nuns Goes To Heaven (S16, S507)
From: jbcary1 on 10/11/2006
This bus ful of nuns crashes
into a Mercedes Benz and the
nuns all die. The entire friggin bus. The nuns are waiting
in line at the pearly gates to be judged. St. Peter begins
to interrogate them one by one to see if they should go up
to heaven. He says to the first nun in line: Have you
committed any sins you want to atone for now before it is
too late. The nun says: "St. Peter, this finger has touched
a penis." St. Peter tells her to dip her finger in the
waters of absolution. The nun walks over to this small
marble tub of water, dips in her finger, and ascends the
stairs to heaven. The next nun is asked the same question
by the saint and she says: This hand has touched a penis.
She is allowed to rinse the hand in the waters and she too
goes up to heaven. Things are moving along well, when
Sister Margaret tears up from the back of the line, cutting
in front, and St. Peter has to forcefully stop her from
going over to the marble tub.
He says: Sister Margaret what
has come over you? She answers:
I want to gargle before Sister Mary sticks her butt in there.
Subj: Four Nuns Have A Weekend
From: Don_Hatch on 97-03-05
It was Friday, and four nuns
went to the priest at the local
Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back
and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agrees to
let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However," said
the priest, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want
you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The
four nuns agree and run off.
Monday morning comes, and the
four nuns return. The first
nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me Father, for I
have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do sister?"
She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks
up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are
forgiven. Go drink the holy water." The first nun leaves,
and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to
the priest and says, "Forgive
me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "Okay,
what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car
down the street in front of his house, and I hit the dog and
killed it." The priest looks up at heaven for half a minute
then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."
The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is
laughing quite audibly.
The third nun walks to the priest
and says, "Forgive me,
Father, I have sinned." The priest says, "Ok. Out with it.
What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and
down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full
five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and
drink the holy water." She leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor,
laughing so hard tears run
down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "Ok, what did you do
this weekend that was so darn funny?" The fourth nun replies,
"I peed in the holy water..."
Subj: Mother Superior Talks To The Girls
Some nuns ran an orphanage in
a rural area. One day the mother
superior called in the teenagers who were about to leave. "You
are going into a sinful world," she said. "I must warn you
that men will take advantage of you. They'll buy you drinks
and dinner, take you to their apartments, undress you and do
terrible things to you. Then they'll give you $20 or $30 and
kick you out."
"Excuse me, Mother," one of the
teenagers said. "You mean men
will take advantage of us and give us money?"
"Yes child. Why do you ask?"
"Because the priests only give us candy."
Subj: Sister Catherine Asks Girls
Sister Catherine is asking all
the Catholic school children
in fourth grade what whey want to be when they grow up. Little
Sheila says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks: "What the
(beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb) did you say?"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeats.
Sister Catherine breathes a sight
of relief and says: "Thank
God! I thought you said a Protestant"
Subj: Nuns Riding Bikes Are Happy
This mother superior and her
little nuns were out bike riding.
At the first speed bump all the little nuns start to giggle,
and peddle a little harder. At the second they giggle harder
and peddle harder. At the third they start to groan and
peddle harder. At the fourth with much groaning, moaning
and sweating as well and some very hard peddling. The mother
superior turns around and says "stop all that or you'll have
to put the seats back on!!!"
'Oh Happy Day' With Whoopi Goldberg (S951d)
From: Janet Calderone on Facebook
'Oh Happy Day' from the movie
'Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit'
starring Whoopi Goldberg. Click 'HERE' to see this great,
music video clip.
Subj: Mother Superior And The Leprechans
The Mother Superior of an Irish
convent hear a knock at the
door and went to answer it. When she opened the door, she
saw two leprechauns standing outside. One of the leprechauns
took off his hat and said, "Begging your pardon, Mother
Superior, but would you be having any midget nuns here?"
The Mother Superior said, "No, we have no midget nuns here."
The leprechaun, looking disturbed,
said, "Are you quite sure,
The Mother Superior said, "I
know all the sisters, and I am
quite certain that there are no midget nuns here."
The leprechaun, now quite upset,
asked, "Would you be knowing
if any other convent has midget nuns?"
The Mother Superior said, "To
the best of my knowledge, there's
not a midget nun in the whole of Ireland".
The second leprechaun jabbed
the first one in the ribs with
his elbow and said, "See? I told you that you were screwing
Subj: Three Nuns Go To Heaven And Are Tested
Three nuns die and see God.
God asks them each a question,
if they are right they go to heaven. God turns to the first
nun and says, "Who was the first man on earth?"
The first nun says, "Oh, that's
easy, Adam was." Birds sing,
bells ring, angels sing "Hallaluah", the Pearly gates open up
and she goes into heaven.
To the second nun, God says "Who was the first woman?"
The second nun says, "That's
an easy one, Eve." Birds sing,
bells ring, angels sing "Hallaluah", the Pearly gates open up
and she goes into heaven.
To the third nun God asks, "What
was the first thing Eve said
to Adam?" The third nun thought about it and says, "Oh, that's
a hard one." Birds sing, bells ring, angels sing "Hallaluah",
and Pearly gates open up.
Subj: A Nun And A Hippie On A Bus (S265, S763)
From: gheckman on 97-06-01
and From: virv on 8/24/2011
(See 'Cab Driver Asks To Kiss A Nun' in CABDRIVER)
A bus pulled over a the bus stop
and a nun got on and sat
near the center of the bus. At the next stop a hippie got
with his guitar and backpack, deciding to sit near the nun.
He looked her over and said, "I'm not very familiar with
people like you...what kind of garb is that you're wearing?"
The nun replied "Young man, I
am a nun in service to the
Lord." The hippie grinned and said, "Hey, that's cool...
but I think you're beautiful and would like to make love
The nun looked at him sharply
and said, "I am married to
Christ, I am chaste, having taken my vows, and shall always
remain a virgin. What you want from me is impossible."
The bus pulled over at a bus
stop and the nun got off,
leaving just the hippie and the bus driver on board. The
driver looked back and said to the hippie, "I heard what
you asked that nun and what she told you, but if you
really want to get into her habit I can tell you how!"
The hippie was interested so
he moved to the seat right
behind the driver. As he drove he told the hippie, "I
happen to know that she goes to the cemetary every
Tuesday night about midnight and prays to the Lord at a
large marble monument near the top of a knoll.
"If you went dressed in robes
and some glowing powder,"
said the bus driver (male) "you could tell her you were
God. Put on a really good God-like act, she will believe
you and do anything you ask of her."
The hippie thanked the driver
and got off the bus at the
The next Tuesday night the hippie
went to the cemetary
carrying a long staff, dressed in a white robe, white wig
and sandals. He waited behind a large monument and sure
enough, near midnight, the nun approached and began to
pray. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie
walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask
of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will
answer them but you must have sex with me first."
The nun, startled at first, responded:
"Oh God, I'll do
anything you ask, but I've taken my vows so please allow
me to remain a virgin and do it to me from behind!"
The hippie, disguised as a god,
agrees and gets down
behind her, pulls up her habit and screws her in the ass
until he is satisfied. Then he gets up, runs to the other
side of the monument and pulls off his gown, his wig, his
beard and yells, "Surprise! I'm not really God, I'm the
guy who sat next to you earlier today on the bus!"
The nun gets up, pulls off her
habit and says to him,
"Surprise! I'm not really the nun, I'm the bus driver!"
Subj: Sisters Of Mercy House Of Prostitution (S150, S834)
From: JCary on 12/16/1999
and From: darrelldre on 1/3/2013
A man is driving down a deserted
stretch of highway, when
he notices a sign. It reads "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES". He pays no attention to it and
drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another
sign which says "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION -
5 MILES". When he drives past a third sign saying "SISTERS
OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT", his curiosity
gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking
lot is a somber stone
building with a small sign next to the door reading
SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who
asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I
saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
possibly doing business". "Very well, my son. Please
He is led through many winding
passages and is soon
quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and
tells the man, "Please knock on this door". He does as
he is told and this door is answered by another nun in
a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs,
"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large
wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50
out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the
door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him,
he finds himself back in
the parking lot, facing another small sign: 'GO IN PEACE,
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY'.
Subj: Nuns Bath Father John (S135, S497b)
From: JCary on 9/1/99
It was time for Father John's
Saturday night bath and young
Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and
towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister
Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr.
John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told
her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun
asked Sister Magdalene how the
Saturday night bath had done. "Oh, sister," said the young
nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that
fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Fr.
John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and
while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his
legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now," said the old nun
evenly. Sister Magdalene
continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit
my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I
would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then
Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact," said the old
nun even more evenly. "At
first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to
salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would
soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so
good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil," said
the old nun. "He told me it
was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
Subj: Monk Sneeks Into Convent
Just down the road from the convent
is a monastry. One night
one of the monks gets a little drunk and tries to get into the
convent (and its inhabitants). The next day mother superior
phones up the head monk.
"Brother Andrew, this is Sister Virgin
Mary. One of your monks
tried to climb in last night. This is must not happen again!"
A few days later another monk gets
drunk and the same happens
again. Mother superior again phones the head monk the next day.
"Brother Andrew, this is Sister Virgin
Mary again. One of your
boys was trying to get in again last night. This must stop at once!"
A few days later yet another monk gets
drunk and the same happens.
Mother superior phones the head monk yet again the next day.
"Brother Andrew, this is Sister Mary ...."
Subj: Mother Teresa Quote II (S1037)
From: Jackie Berg on Facebook on 11/28/2016
Subj: Two Nuns And A Blind Man (S304)
From: mjsl on 11/25/2002
The Mother Superior told two
of her nuns to paint a room
and make sure to avoid getting any paint on their habits.
"Not a drop is allowable." She said. They quietly left
the Mother Superior with her instructions. When they were
going to the room they have decided that, if they lock the
door, then they can just take their habits off and paint
in the nude. After all, they're both women.
Later, there is a knock at the
door. The two nuns look
at each other wondering who it is and then one goes,
"Blind Man" echoes the response.
The two sisters figure
that there will be no harm in letting a blind man into
the room since he can't see them in the nude... they
opened the door. In walks the man, who says, "Nice tits,
girls. Where do you want the blinds?"
Subj: Nun Gets Drunk
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #27
Sister Mary Ketherine lived in
a nunnery, a block away from
Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and
she said: "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy." "Sister
Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've
never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!" "Oh Jack," she
responed, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice
dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know." So Jack sold
her the brandy.
Later that night, Jack closed
the store and walked home. As
he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary
Katherine? And she was snockered. She was singing and
dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a
bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering.
Jack pushed through and exclaimed: "Sister Mary Katherine!
For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's
Sister Mary K. didn't miss a
beat as she replied: "And so
it is me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to
Subj: Nuns Get Flat Tire
From: The Bartenders Joke of the day for 19 Sep 97
A group on nuns were traveling
in a car when it got a flat
tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather
unworldly did not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came
along and the male driver offered to change it for them.
They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it
slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch," he yelled. The
eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We under-
stand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."
"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again.
Again it slipped, this time almost
mashing his fingers. "Son-
of-a-bitch", he yelled again. "Please, don't use such language.
If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be
better if you didn't help us." "But I get so upset, and it
just comes out." "Well," said the nun, "say something else
when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me'".
So the trucker tried to jack
up the car again. Again it
slipped. He started to say "So..", but he corrected himself
and said, "Sweet Jesus help me." At that, the car just lifted
up into the air by itself. The nuns looked at the car and
Subj: Nun Learns To Say 'OUR' Instead Of 'MY'
From: ArmaDillow on 97-07-14
A nun came running in to the
priest one day. "Father, Father,
my stove is broken, my stove is broken," to which the priest
replied: "Sister, it's OUR stove, OUR stove." The nun said
she would try to remember.
Next day she comes running in
saying "Father, Father, my
dishwasher is broken," to which the priest replies: "Sister,
it's OUR dishwasher." She again leaves.
The next day the priest was in
a conference with the bishop
when the nun comes running in saying, "Father, Father, OUR
bed is broken ..."
Subj: Two Nuns Meet Dracula (S39, S658b)
From: auntiegah 12/17/2005
and From: ft.apache on 8/14/2009
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and
Sister Helen, are traveling
through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and
are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly,out of nowhere,
a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and
hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on.
That will get rid of the
abomination," Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them
on, knocking Dracula about,
but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer.
I filled it up with Holy
Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the
windshield washer. Dracula
screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine?
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get your ass off my car!"
Sisters Stop At Pub (S490c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/13/2006
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
To see this cute story and picture, by clicking 'HERE'.