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Subj:     Jokes About Nuns2
                 (Includes 27 jokes and articles, 28 1024,5,cf,wXT4,3)

Praying Nun from
Imogenelumen@aol.com
Includes the following:  Chances Of A Birthday Present - Drawing (DU)
.........................Two Nuns At A Traffic Light (S877)
.........................Dr. Lombardi Treated Mother Teresa - Video (S880)
.........................A Nun Goes Into Hooters (S520b)
.........................A Nun Flies To Chicago (S391, S595b)
.........................Nun Confronts Man By Bar (S317, S510)
.........................Dying Mother Superior (S260c, S730)
.........................Saint Theresa And Pope John XXII - Photo (S561c)
.........................Two Nuns Meet Little Dracula (S205)
.........................Sister Mathematical & Sister Logical - GIF (S127, S635b)
.........................Nun Carries A Heavy Box - Video (S1024)
                         Short Nun Jokes
..............................Gonorrhea In The Convent (S433b)
..............................The Latest Wonder Drug (S391b)
..............................Poem - A Nun From Siberia (S386b)
..............................Three Nuns Were Talking
..............................Mother Superior Does Her Rounds (S269c)
..............................Three Nuns Buy Cucumbers (S403)

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Subj:     Chances Of A Birthday Present (DU)
 Source: http://images.nobleworkfunnycards.com/mod_images/imageitem/
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Top
Subj:     Two Nuns At A Traffic Light (S877)
          From: hilary.miller05 on 10/25/2013

 Two nuns sat at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of
 rowdy drunks pull up alongside.  "Hey! Let's see your tits,
 you stuck up penguins! shouts one of the drunks.

 The Mother Superor turns to Sister Immuaculata and says, "I
 don't think they know who we are.  Show them your cross."

 So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts,
 "Screw off you little shits, before I come over there and
 rip your balls off!"

 Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks,
 "Was that cross enough?"

Top
Subj:     Dr. Lombardi Treated Mother Teresa (S880d)
          From: darrelldre on 11/16/2013
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/vD9RI2Bm69U

 A young doctor is whisked halfway across the globe to care
 for an ailing international religious icon.  Dr. George
 Lombardi is a lifelong New Yorker, where he's in private
 practice.  This story was filmed live at 'The Great Hall'
 at Cooper Union in New York City on May 31, 2012.

 Click 'HERE' to learn about this cute, warm true story
 about Mother Teresa.

Top
Subj:     A Nun Goes Into Hooters (S520b)
          From: allenbergman on 1/6/2007

 A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local
 Hooters restaurant.  The place was hopping with music and
 loud conversation and every once a while the lights would
 turn off.  Each time the lights would go out, the place would
 erupt into cheers.

 However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead
 silent.  She walked up to bartender, and asked, "May I please
 use the restroom?"

 The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there
 is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

 "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the
 nun.  So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the
 restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom.  After a few
 minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just
 long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

 She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand,
 "Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the
 restroom?"

 "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender.
 "Would you like a drink?"

 "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

 "You see," laughed the bartender, "Every time the leaf on
 the statue is lifted up, the lights go out.  Now, how about
 that drink?"

Top
Subj:     A Nun Flies To Chicago (S391, S595b)
          From: hellgunner50 on 7/18/2004
      and From: ginafm on 6/16/2008

 A nun was sitting at the airport waiting for her flight to
 Chicago.  She looked over & saw one of those weight machines
 that tells your fortune.

 Deciding to give it a try, she went to the machine, stepped
 on the scale and put her nickel in.  Out came a card saying,
 "You are a nun, you weigh 128 Lbs & you're going to Chicago".

 The nun sat back down & told herself the machine probably
 gives the same card to Everyone.  The more she thought about
 it, the more curious she was, so she decided  to try it again.
 She went back to the machine & put another nickel in.  Out
 came a card, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going
 to Chicago and you're going to play a fiddle.

 The nun said to herself, I know this is wrong.  I've never
 played a musical instrument In my life.  She went back to her
 seat.  From out of nowhere, a cowboy came & sat Down, putting
 his fiddle on the seat between them.

 Without thinking, she opened The case, took out the fiddle &
 started playing.  Surprised at what she'd done, she looked at
 the machine & decided to try again.  Back to the machine &
 another nickel.  The card said "You are a nun, you weigh 128
 lbs, you are going to Chicago & you're going to break wind."

 Now, she knew the machine was wrong.  She'd never broken wind
 in public in her life.  But getting off the scale, she slipped
 & straining to keep from falling, she broke wind.

 Stunned, she sat down & looked at the machine, thinking I have
 to try this again.  She went back to the machine & dropped in
 a nickel.  Another Card came out.  It read, "You are a nun,
 you weigh 128 lbs, you've fiddled & farted around & missed
 your flight to Chicago.

Top
Subj:     Nun Confronts Man By Bar (S317, S510)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 2/21/2003

 Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a
 quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a
 nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the
 evils of drink.

 "You should be ashamed of yourself young man!  Drinking is a
 Sin!  Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

 Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the
 offensive.

 "How do *you* know, Sister?"

 "My Mother Superior told me so"

 "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be
 sure that what you are saying is right?"

 "Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol
 myself"

 "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe
 afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

 "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house
 drinking?!"

 "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them
 no-one will know"

 The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the
 bar.

 "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks",
 then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and
 could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

 "Oh no!  It's not that drunken Nun again is it?"
 

Top
Subj:     Saint Theresa And Pope John XXII (S561c)
          From: jtgalvan on 10/18/2007

 This is a beautiful picture of Saint Theresa and Pope John
 which you can see by clicking 'Here'.

Top
Subj:     Dying Mother Superior (S260c, S730)
          From: pns on 1/19/2002
      and From: kgilmour2000 on 4/16/2012

 At a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior
 lay dying.  The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make
 her last journey comfortable.  They tried giving her warm
 milk to drink but she refused it.

 One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.  Then,
 remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received
 as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a
 generous amount into the warm milk.

 Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her
 lips.  The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and
 before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down
 to the last drop.  As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought
 it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with
 their spiritual leader.

 "Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of
 your wisdom before you leave us.."

 She raised herself up in bed on one elbow,
 looked at them and said: "Don't sell that cow.."

Top
Subj:     Two Nuns Meet Little Dracula (S205)
          From: rlr29 on 12/1/2000

 Two nuns, Sister Anne and Sister Noreen, are traveling through
 Europe in their car.  They get to Transylvania and are stopped
 at a traffic light.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little
 dracula jumps on to the hood of the car and hisses through the
 windshield.

 "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Noreen. "What shall we do?"

 "Turn the windshield wipers on.  That will get rid of the
 abomination," says Sister Anne.

 Sister Noreen switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he
 clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

 "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

 "Switch on the windshield washer.  I filled it up with Holy
 Water at the Vatican," says Sister Anne.

 Sister Noreen turns on the windshield washer.  Dracula screams
 as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues
 hissing at the nuns.

 "Show him your cross," says Sister Anne.

 "Now you're talking," says Sister Noreen.

 She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!!!!!

Top
Subj:     Sister Mathematical & Sister Logical (S127, S635b)
          From: Imogenelumen on 4/13/2004
      and From: darrellvip on 3/7/2009

 Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies.  One of
 them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one
 is known as Sister Logical (SL).  It is getting dark and
 they are still far away from the convent.

 SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
     the past half-hour?

 SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

 SL: It's logical.  He wants to have his way with us.

 SM: Oh, no!  At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at
     the most.  What can we do?
 SL: The only logical thing to do
     of course is that we have to
     start walking faster.

 SM: It is not working.

Running Nun
from
Imogenelumen@aol.com
 SL: Of course it is not working.  The man did the only
     obvious thing to do.  He started to walk faster too.

 SM: So, what shall we do?  At this rate he will reach us in
     one minute.

 SL: The only logical thing we can do is split.  You go that
     way and I'll go this way.  He cannot follow both of us.

 So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.

 Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried
 because Sister Logical  has not yet arrived.  Finally,
 Sister Logical arrives.

 SM: Sister Logical!  Thank God you are here!  Tell us what
     happened!

 SL: The only logical thing happened.  The man could not
     follow both of us, so he followed me.

 SM: So, what happened?  Please tell us.

 SL: The only logical thing to happen.  I started to run as
     fast as I could.

 SM: So what happened?

 SL: The only logical thing to happen.  The man also started
     to run as fast as he could.

 SM: And what else?

 SL: The only logical thing to happen.  He reached me.

 SM: Oh, no!  What did you do then?

 SL: The only logical thing to do.  I lifted my dress up.

 SM: Oh, Sister.  What did the man do?

 SL: The only logical thing to do.  He pulled down his pants.

 SM: Oh, no!  What happened then?

 SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?  A nun with her dress up can
     run faster than a man with his pants down!

Top
Subj:     Nun Carries A Heavy Box (S1024)
          Created by Just for Laughs
          From: Comicsup on Facebook

 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/rn-sTOoIhyo

 Click 'HERE' to see a Nun carries a heavy box in a
 parking lot. Some nice strong men offer to help.


Subj:     Short Nun Jokes

Top
Subj:     Gonorrhea In The Convent (S433b)
          From: darrell94590 on 5/11/2005
 Mother Superior called the nuns together and announced:
 "We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

 An old nun from the back of the room said:   " Well, thank
 God.  I'm sick of Chardonnay".
 

Top
Subj:     The Latest Wonder Drug (S391b)
          From: igiggle on 7/18/2004
 Have you heard about the latest wonder drug?

 When administered to women, it gives them the irresistible
 urge to join a convent.  The FDA refuses to approve it,
 though.  They fear it will be habit-forming.
 

Top
Subj:     Poem - A Nun From Siberia (S386b)
          From: mrx on 6/21/2004
 There once was a nun from Siberia
 Who was born with a virgin interior
 Until a young monk
 Jumped into her bunk
 And now she's a mother superior!
 

Top
Subj:     Three Nuns Were Talking
          From: twistedhumor.com on 1/10/00
 Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning
 the father's room the other day and do you know what I
 found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

 "What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

 "Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."

 The second nun said, "Well, I can top that.  I was in the
 father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch
 of condoms."

 "Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they
 asked.

 "I poked holes in all of them," she replied.

 The third nun said, "Oh shit."
 

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Subj:     Mother Superior Does Her Rounds (S269c)
          From: gheckman on 3/24/2002
 The Mother Superior is doing her rounds, checking that all
 is well before retiring.  She goes into a dormitory and
 calls out, "Time for sleep.  Candles out sisters."  Her
 command is answered with a loud slurping noise.
 

Top
Subj:     Three Nuns Buy Cucumbers (S403 - nuns2)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #249 on 98-05-25
      and From: Anonymous Junior on 10/02/04

 Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one
 day.  They asked how much the cucumbers were.  The merchant
 said that they were 4 for a dollar. The nuns said okay. The
 puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when
 there were only three of them.

 A nun answered back, "Well, we could alway eat one."
 

 From: tom on 5/28/2009 (S647b)
 Two nuns are riding their bicycles toward the convent when
 one nun says to the other nun "Gee, I've never come this
 way before".  The other nun replies "I know, I think it's
 the cobblestones".
 

 There were two nuns - one young, and one old - walking
 through the park.  They were set upon by two hoodlums, who
 threw them to the ground and began raping them.  The
 younger nun looked upwards to heaven and said, "Forgive
 them Father for they know not what they do."
 The older nun then looked over and said, "I don't know
 about yours, but mine sure does!"
 

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #82
 A nun is walking down a deserted road when a man grabbed
 her and started raping her.  After the rapist was done, he
 said, "Hey Sister, what are you going to tell the other
 Sisters *now*?"
 "I'll tell them the truth, that you grabbed me, threw me
 to the ground, and raped me twice....unless you're tired."
 she responded.

 Since I went to school the Sisters who teach there are not
 nearly as strict. Amnesty International got after them.
 

From: LABLaughsClean on 6/1/2007 (S545b)
 "It is not how much we do, but how much love we put in the
 doing. It is not how much we give, but how much love we put
 in the giving."  -- Mother Teresa
 


 Q: Are you allowed to kiss a nun?
 A: Yes, but don't get into the habit.

 Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman taking
    a shower?
 A: The nun has hope in her soul.

 Q: Why do nuns always walk in pairs?
 A: So one nun can make sure the other nun don't get none!

 Q: What kind of meat does the pope eat on fridays?
 A: Nun.

 Q: What do you call a nun in a blender?
 A: Twisted sister.

 Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
 A: Dress her up as an altar boy!

 Q: What fun does a priest have?
 A: NUN!

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...........................From: AnimationsA2Z.com
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