Subj: Pope Jokes
(Includes 27 jokes and articles, 10730n,1,cf)
Pope from
Animation Library
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Subj: Pope Jokes (Includes 27 jokes and articles, 10730n,1,cf) |
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Pope from Animation Library |
Also see BAR1 file
- 'Colin's Friends'
BARBER file - 'A
Vacation In Rome'
CATHOLIC - 'Clinton
And The Pope Die On The Same Day'
CLINTONSCNDL2- 'Clinton
Meets the Pope'
DWARFS file - 'Seven
Dwarfs Meet The Pope'
ENGLISHMAN - 'The
Pope And The Queen On A Balcony'
HEAVEN2 file - 'Pope
Reads Scriptures In Heaven'
HELL file - 'Pope,
Graham And Roberts Die'
LAWYER2 file - 'Lawyer
Goes To Heaven'
PHONE file - 'The
Pope And Chief Rabbi Phone The Lord'
PRIEST1 file - 'Priest Goes
Fishing'
......................-
'A
Priest And A Drunk Reading The Paper'
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Subj: The
Pope's Alaskan Vacation (S647)
From: allenbergman on 5/28/2009
The Pope went on vacation for
a few days to visit the
rugged mountains of Alaska.
He was cruising along the
campground in the Pope Mobile
when he heard a frantic
commotion just at the edge of
the woods.
He found a helpless Democrat
wearing wearing shorts,
sandals, a Vote for Obama hat
and a Save the Trees shirt.
The man was screaming and struggling
frantically,
thrashing all about and trying
to free himself from the
grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in
horror, a group of Republican
loggers wearing Go Sarah
shirts came racing up.
One quickly fired a 44 magnum
slug right into the bear's chest.
The two other men
pulled the semiconscious Democrat
from the bear's grasp.
Then using baseball bats, the
three loggers finished off
the bear. Two of the men
dragged the dead grizzly onto
the bed of their pickup truck
while the other tenderly
placed the injured Democrat
in the back seat. As they
began to leave, the Pope summoned
al of them men over
to him.
"I give you my blessing for your
brave actions!" he
proudly proclaimed. "I have
heard there was bitter hatred
between Republican loggers and
Democratic environmental
activists, but now I've seen
with my own eyes that this
is not true." As the Pope
drove off, one logger asked
his buddies, "Who the heck was
that guy?"
"Dude, that was the Pope," another
replied. "He's in
direct contact with Heaven and
has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he
may have access to all
wisdom, but he doesn't know
squat about bear hunting!
By the way, is the bait still
alive or do we need to go
back to Massachusetts and get
another one?"
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Subj: Cardinal
Hans Grapje (S437b, DU)
From: DoctorDebt on 6/16/2005
As I understand it, Cardinal
Ratzinger was not the Cardinals’
first choice. The first
choice was, interestingly, Cardinal
Hans Grapje.
Grapje was raised in a Catholic
school in The Hague and, as a
young man, aspired to become
a priest, but was drafted into
the Army during WWII and spent
two years co-piloting B17s
until his aircraft was shot
down in 1943 and he lost his left
arm. Captain Grapje spent
the rest of the war as a chaplain,
giving spiritual aid to soldiers,
both Allied and enemy.
After the war, he became a priest,
serving as a missionary in
Africa, piloting his own plane
(in spite of his handicap) to
villages across the continent.
In 1997, Father Grapje was serving
in Zimbabwe when an explosion
in a silver mine caused a cave-in.
Archbishop Grapje went down
into the mine to administer
last rites to those too severely
injured to move.
Another shaft collapsed, and
he was buried for three days,
suffering multiple injuries,
including the loss of his right
eye. The high silver content
in the mine’s air gave him
purpura, a life-long condition
characterized by purplish skin
blotches.
Although Cardinal Grapje devoted
his life to the service of
God as a scholar, mentor, and
holy man, church leaders felt
that he should never ascend
to the Papacy.
However, he was bypassed for
the Papacy because they felt that
the Church would never accept
a one-eyed, one-armed, flying
purple Papal leader.
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Subj: Man
Wants To Talk To The Pope (S205, DU)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 11/05/2000
This guy goes to see the Pope
as he was visiting in Europe.
There is a huge crowd
of people there but he manages to get
through.
He watches as the Pope stops
every once in a while to whisper
something in a their ear.
He was dressed in his best suit
because he really wanted the
Pope to talk to him but, as the
Pope came up to him, he walked
right by and stopped by a guy
near him who was homeless and
dressed in rags.
So, the man says to himself,
“I know why he stopped at him,
he's homeless!” So the
man pays the homeless guy 50 dollars
to use his clothes and he goes
back the next day.
Well, this time the Pope stopped
at him, leaned over, and
whispered, "I thought I told
you to get out of here yesterday!
\\\//
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Subj: Colonel
Sanders Visits The Pope (S132, S458b)
From: thebartend in 8/6/99
After watching sales falling
off for three straight months
at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the
Colonel calls up the Pope
and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says. "I need you
to change the daily prayer
from, 'Give us this day our
daily bread' to 'Give us this
day our daily chicken.' If you
do it, I'll donate 10
million dollars to the Vatican.
"The Pope replies, "I am sorry
That is the Lord's Prayer
and I can not change the words."
So the Colonel hangs up.
After another month of dismal
sales, the Colonel panics,
and calls again. "Listen, Your
Excellency. I really need
your help. I'll donate $50 million
dollars if you change
the words of the daily prayer
from 'Give us this day our
daily bread' to 'Give us this
day our daily chicken.'
"And the Pope responds, "It is
very tempting, Colonel
Sanders. The church could do
a lot of good with that much
money. It would help us to support
many charities. But again,
I must decline. It is the Lord's
Prayer, and I can't change
the words." So the Colonel gives
up again.
After two more months of terrible
sales, the Colonel gets
desperate. "This is my final
offer, your Excellency. If you
change the words of the daily
prayer from 'Give us this day
our daily bread' to 'Give us
this day our daily chicken.' I
will donate $100 million to
the Vatican.
The Pope replies, "Let me get
back to you. "So the next day,
the Pope calls together all
of his bishops and he says, "I
have some good news and I have
some bad news. The good news
is that KFC is going to donate
$100 million to the Vatican.
The bishops rejoice at the news.
Then one asks about the
bad news.
The pope replies, "The bad news
is that we lost the Wonder
Bread account."
\\\//
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Subj: The
Pope Drives A Car (S24, S648b)
From: darrell94590 on 2/7/2006
and
From: tom on 5/22/2009
After getting all of Pope Benedict's
luggage loaded into the
limo, (and he doesn't travel
light), the driver notices that
the Pope is still standing on
the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says
the driver," Would you please
take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth,"
says the Pope, "they never let
me drive at the Vatican when
I was a cardinal, and I'd really
like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but
I can't let you do that. I'd
lose my job! And what if something
should happen?" protests
the driver, wishing he'd never
gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell? Besides,
there might be something
extra in it for you," says the
Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets
in the back as the Pope climbs
in behind the wheel. The
driver quickly regrets his decision
when, after exiting the airport,
the Pontiff floors it, accel-
erating the limo to 105 mph.
(Remember, he's a German Pope.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!"
pleads the worried driver,
but the Pope keeps the pedal
to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose
my license -- and my job!" moans
the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls
down the window as the cop
approaches, but the cop takes
one look at him, goes back to
his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and
the cop tells him that he's
stopped a limo going a hundred
and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do
that, he's really important,"
said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important,"
said the cop with a bit of
persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: " Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is even more puzzled
and curious: "What makes you
think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!
\\\//
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Subj: Pope
And The Lords Prayer
From: RFSlick on 98-04-30
Moved to 'Colonel Sanders Visits The Pope' above.
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Subj: The
Pope And A Call From God (DU)
One day, the phone rings
in the Vatican. "It is for you,
your Holiness", says the secretary.
The Pope picks up the
phone, and is absolutely stunned
to hear the voice of God,
calling him.
God says, "Hello, my son.
I've been doing a great deal
of thinking lately. I've
come to the conclusion that I am
sick and tired of all this fighting
and bickering and
pettiness, in my name, which
has afflicted Christianity
for so long..."
The Pope, after recovering from
his shock and joy, says,
"Oh, yes, Father. It has
been terrible. Some days, I
simply do not know where to
turn, or what to say."
"Well, yes..." says
God, "and that is why I've decided
to do something about it I've
got some good news and some
bad news. From this day
forward, I've decided to proclaim
one church, one denomination,
as supreme and absolute. No
more of this dickering over
allegience will be tolerated."
The Pope exclaims, "Oh, Heavenly
Father, this is GOOD NEWS
indeed! I am so relieved
and so excited. What could
possibly be bad news about this?"
"Well.......", says God,
clearing his throat, "the bad
news is that I'm calling from
Salt Lake City."
\\\//
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Sub: The Pope
And A Lawyer Enter Heaven (DU)
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves
together before the
Pearly Gates. After a
small quantum of time which was spent
discussing their respective
professions, ol' St. Peter shows
up to usher them to their new
Heavenly station. After
passing out wings, harps, halos
and such, St. Pete decides
to show them to their new lodgings.
Only a brief flight
from the welcome, Pete brings
them down on the front lawn
of a huge palatial estate with
all sorts of lavish trappings.
This, Pete announces, is where
the lawyer will be spending
eternity, (at least until the
end of time..)
"Hot Dang", the Pope says to
His-self, "If he's getting a
place like this, I can hardly
wait to see my digs!".
They take flight once again,
and as Pete leads on, the
landscape below begins to appear
more and more mundane until
they finally land on a street
lined with Brownstone houses.
Pete indicates the third walkup
on the left as the Popes
new domicile and turns to leave,
wishing the pontiff all his
best.
The Pope, in a mild state of
astonishment, cries out, "Hey
Pete! What's the deal
here? You put that lawyer in a
beautiful estate home and I,
spiritual leader of terra-firma,
end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly
and replies, "Look here
old fellow, this street is practically
encrusted with
spiritual leaders from many
times and religions. We're
putting you here with them so
you guys can get your dogma
together. That other guy
gets an estate, because he's the
first lawyer to make it up here!!"
\\\//
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Sub: Pope
Visits A Construction Site
When the pope was in Australia
at the end of last year (or
whenever it was), he visited
a construction site (perhaps
he was looking to upgrade the
vatican). Anyway, at the
site, he walked up to a man
who was using a hammer. Just
as the pope arrived, the man
hit his thumb with the hammer
and screamed "FUCK ME".
The pope, shocked by what he heard,
told the injured man to say
"JESUS CHRIST" and the good lord
would come down and take all
of his pain away. So the pope
made his way along to the next
man who was also using hammer
and also hit himself on the
thumb and also screamed "FUCK
ME". So the pope told
the poor fellow to say "JESUS CHRIST"
and the good lord would come
down and take all of his pain
away. The pope kept wandering
and came to a third man who
was cutting some wood with a
bansaw. Just as the pope
arrived (all three of these
men had great timing), the man
cut his thumb off with the bansaw.
He screamed out loud
"JESUS CHRIST" and his thumb
jumped off the floor from where
it had fallen and reconnected
itself to the man's hand. The
pope responded by screaming
out "FUCK ME" !!
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Subj: The
Pope Buys A Camera (S279b, DU)
From: http://www.twistedhumor.com
on 11/1/2000
A fellow was visiting the Vatican
and became separated
from his tour group. After
wandering for awhile, he
needed to relieve himself.
He finally found a bathroom
and wandered in. You can
imagine his surprise to
discover the Pope sitting on
the toilet masturbating.
Figuring that this was an attraction
few tourists ever
saw, he snapped a couple of
pictures. The Pope managed
to recover his composure and
offered the fellow $10,000
for the camera. The fellow
decide to take him up on
the offer and an exchange was
arranged.
The camera was a pretty nice
unit, so after disposing
of the film, the Pope decided
he would use it on his
world travels. One day
while visiting a foreign
country, a faithful follower
noticed the Pope's camera
and remarked that it was quite
a unit. He then asked,
"How much did you pay for it?"
"Ten thousand dollars."
"Wow, the guy who sold you that must have seen you coming!"
\\\//
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Subj: Pope
At Los Vegas (DU)
The Pope walked into this hotel
in Las Vegas and walked up
to the desk to check in.
The clerk said" I don't believe
it, it's Elvis Presley!"
The Pope replied," No, No it's
me the pope. See my white
robes."
The clerk said," Oh yes I see,
sorry." and gave him his
keys. The bellboy came
over to get the Popes bags and
said "Oh my God it's Elvis Presley,
I don't believe it.
I knew you were alive!"
The Pope chuckled and said, "No,
no my son. I'm the Pope,
God's representative on earth.
See my pointed hat and
white robes."
"Oh yes, I see," said the bellboy
and took his bags up to
the Popes room. When the
Pope got to his room and opened
his door he saw a naked lady
lying on his bed. The naked
lady looked at the Pope and
shouted, "Elvis Presley, it's
Elvis Presley!"
The Pope said, "A one for the money, two for the show..."
\\\//
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Subj: The
Pope In A Contest With A Jew (S56)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-18
One day, a very long time ago,
the pope was looking out
over his balcony and couldn't
help but notice a bunch of
the Jews walking around on the
street. He could tell
because they were Hassidic Jews
with the black hats and
the dreadlocks. Well,
this disturbed the pope. The next
day he made a proclamation that
all of the Jews had to
leave Rome. He figured
that Rome was the center of the
Roman Catholic Church and it
shouldn't be a home for the
Jews.
A bunch of Jews went to the pope
and said, "Your holiness!
Your holiness! That's
not fair, you can't just kick us
out, we've lived here over 800
years. You're the pope
you're supposed to be a fair
guy!"
The pope thinks about this for
a moment and says, "You're
right, I am the pope and I have
to be a fair guy, we'll
have a contest...a contest of
symbolism. If I win, you
have to leave, if you win, you
can stay." The pope thinks
to himself that he has this
contest all locked up.
The Jews figure this is the best
chance they are going to
get so they agree. They
set a day to meet at the colosseum.
The big day comes and the colosseum
is packed. The pope
walks out to thunderous applause
and the crowd cheering,
"Pope! Pope! Pope!" He
looks great, he's wearing the robes
and the hat and looks just totally
decked out for the
occasion. He points to
a small group of Jews and says,
"All right, who do you have?"
The Jews didn't even know if
this contest was a team sport
or an individual competition.
So they push out Moshe,
Moshe the puppet maker.
Just when they push Moshe out
the crowd starts to offer a
little polite applause and Moshe
figures to himself, "What
do I have to lose?"
The pope says, "I will make the
first symbol." And then
with a mighty gesture he raises
both arms to the sky.
Moshe looks at him and points
to the ground.
The pope furls his brow and holds
up one hand with one
finger raises so that all can
see. Moshe shrugs and holds
up three fingers to the pope.
The pope starts to sweat a little.
He reaches into his
robes and pulls out some wine
and a holy wafer. Moshe
reaches in his pocket and pulls
out an apple.
The pope throws up his arms and
shouts, "That's it the Jews
win, they can stay!" and
storms off.
All of the cardinals and the
bishops chase after the pope
and ask, "What happened?"
The pope says, "I can't believe
it! First I said, God is
everywhere, and he reminds me,
the pope, that God is here.
Then I said there is only one
god, and he, a Jew, reminds
me, the pope, of the trinity.
But the last straw was when
I pulled out the wine and the
wafer reminding us of Jesus'
sacrifice to man, and he pulled
out the apple reminding us
of original sin." All
of the cardinals and the bishops
sighed and mumbled, "Whoa, those
Jews are one clever bunch."
MEANWHILE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN....
All the Jews gathered around
Moshe and said, "Moshe, Moshe,
what happened?"
"Ah, it was nothing. First
he said, Get out of town! and
I said, were staying.
Then he said, to hell with you, and
I said, to hell with you three
times....."
"Then he pulled out his lunch, and I pulled out mine."
\\\//
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Subj: The
Pope Is Challenged To A Golf Match
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #212 on 97-11-27
The Pope met with the College
of Cardinals to discuss a
proposal from Shimon Peres,
the former leader of Israel.
"Your Holiness," said one of
the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres
wants to determine whether Jews
or Catholics are superior,
by challenging you to a golf
match."
The Pope was greatly disturbed,
as he had never held a golf
club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal,
"we'll call America and
talk to Jack Nicklaus.
We'll make him a Cardinal, he can
play Shimon Peres... We can't
lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good
idea. The call was made. Of
course, Nicklaus was honored
and agreed to play. The day
after the match, Nicklaus reported
to the Vatican to inform
the Pope of the result. "I have
some good news and some bad
news, Your Holiness," said the
golfer.
Tell me the good news first,
Cardinal Nicklaus," said the
Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't
like to brag, but even though
I've played some pretty terrific
rounds of golf in my life,
this was the best I have ever
played, by far. I must have
been inspired from above.
My drives were long and true, my
irons were accurate and purposeful
and my putting was
perfect. With all due
respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope
asked. "Yes", Nicklaus sighed.
"I lost to Rabbi Woods by three
strokes."
\\\//
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Subj: Pope
Talks From Balcony
The Pope was on his balcony,
addressing the assembled
throng in St. Peter's Square.
"You must love each other
like brothers!", he proclaimed.
The crowd listened. "You
must respect the holy sanctity
of marriage!", he cautioned.
Still they listened. "You
must not have sex outside of
marriage!", he commanded.
Suddenly a young woman in the
crowd shouted "Hey! You no
play-a da game, you no make-a
da rules!!!"
\\\//
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Subj: Pope
Calls His Mom
The Pope calls his mother right
after being elected Pope.
Pope: Hi mom, I've got
some good news and some bad news.
Mother: What's the good
news?
Pope: I've just been elected
Pope.
Mother: What's the bad
news?
Pope: I have to move into
a Italian neighborhood.
\\\//
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Subj: The
Pope Does A Crossword Puzzle (S641c)
From: ipkis on 97-08-22
A shy gentleman was preparing
to board a plane when he
heard that the Pope was on the
same flight. "This is
exciting," thought the gentleman.
"I've always been a big
fan of the Pope. Perhaps
I'll be able to see him in
person." Imagine his surprise
when the Pope sat down in
the seat next to him for the
flight. Still, the gentleman
was too shy to speak to the
Pontiff.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope
began a crossword puzzle.
"This is fantastic," thought
the gentleman. "I'm really
good at crosswords. Perhaps,
if the Pope gets stuck, he'll
ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned
to the gentleman and said, "Excuse
me, but do you know a
four letter word referring to
a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
Only one word leapt to mind...
"My goodness," thought the
gentleman, "I can't tell the
Pope that. There must be
another." The gentleman thought
for quite a while, then it
hit him. Turning to the pope,
the gentleman said,
"I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
\\\//
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Subj: American
Has Audience With Pope
From: RBishop707 on 97-12-07
An American businessman spent
a lot of time in Rome. A
devout Catholic, he tried for
years to get an audience
with the Pope. When his
request was finally granted, he
reverently approached his Holiness
and kissed his toe.
After the Pope had blessed him,
the businessman said,
``Your Holiness, I want you
to know this has been the
most inspirational experience
of my life. I am deeply
grateful. While I'm aware of
the solemnity of the moment,
I want to share a story with
you. There were these two
Polacks--''
''Excuse me, my son,'' the Pope
interruptrd, ``but are
you aware that I am Polish?''
``Yes, your Holiness,'' the man
continued. ``But don't
worry--- I'II go real slow.'
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Pope Jokes
| Subj:
German Pope Makes Changes (S450b)
From: Dickschu on 8/29/2005 |
 |
What does the Pope say when he
makes the sign of the
cross from the balcony?
On the down stroke "All you
dagos"
On the cross stroke "Get off
the grass"
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
Q: Why have dogs been banned
from the vatican?
A: Because they pee on Poles.
Q: What do the Pope And 7-Up
have in common?
A: "Never had it, never will."
Q: Do you know how the Pope keeps
his papers together?
A: With papal clips.
Q: What language do the Vatican
police speak?
A: Pig Latin!
Q: What Kind Of Meat Does The
Pope Eat On Fridays?
A: Nun.
Q: What happened to the Pope
when he went to Mount Olive?
A: Popeye almost killed him!
\\\//
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Smiley does the Mass
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