Subj: Pope Jokes
(Includes 32 jokes and articles, 24976,4,cf,vXT2,2)
Also see BAR1 file
- 'Colin's Friends'
BARBER file - 'A Vacation In Rome'
CATHOLIC - 'Clinton And The Pope Die On The Same Day'
CLINTONSCNDL2- 'Clinton Meets the Pope'
DWARFS file - 'Seven Dwarfs Meet The Pope'
ENGLISHMAN - 'The Pope And The Queen On A Balcony'
HEAVEN2 file - 'Pope Reads Scriptures In Heaven'
HELL file - 'Pope, Graham And Roberts Die'
LAWYER2 file - 'Lawyer Goes To Heaven'
PHONE file - 'The Pope And Chief Rabbi Phone The Lord'
PRIEST1 file - 'Priest Goes Fishing'
......................- 'A Priest And A Drunk Reading The Paper'
Subj: Bishop Joey (S976d)
Created by Real Time with Bill Maher
.......Click 'HERE' to see Bill Maher plays Bishop Joey
..............in Real Time with Bill Maher Episode 275.
Subj: The Pope Drives A Car (S24, S648b)
From: darrell94590 on 2/7/2006
and From: tom on 5/22/2009
After getting all of Pope Benedict's
luggage loaded into the
limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that
the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says
the driver," Would you please
take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth,"
says the Pope, "they never let
me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really
like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but
I can't let you do that. I'd
lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests
the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell? Besides,
there might be something
extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets
in the back as the Pope climbs
in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision
when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accel-
erating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!"
pleads the worried driver,
but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose
my license -- and my job!" moans
The Pope pulls over and rolls
down the window as the cop
approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to
his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and
the cop tells him that he's
stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do
that, he's really important,"
said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important,"
said the cop with a bit of
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Chief: " Governor?"
"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
The Chief is even more puzzled
and curious: "What makes you
think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!
Subj: Colonel Sanders Visits The Pope (S132, S458b)
From: thebartend in 8/6/99
After watching sales falling
off for three straight months
at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope
and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says. "I need you
to change the daily prayer
from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this
day our daily chicken.' If you do it, I'll donate 10
million dollars to the Vatican.
"The Pope replies, "I am sorry
That is the Lord's Prayer
and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.
After another month of dismal
sales, the Colonel panics,
and calls again. "Listen, Your Excellency. I really need
your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change
the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our
daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'
"And the Pope responds, "It is
very tempting, Colonel
Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much
money. It would help us to support many charities. But again,
I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change
the words." So the Colonel gives up again.
After two more months of terrible
sales, the Colonel gets
desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you
change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day
our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' I
will donate $100 million to the Vatican.
The Pope replies, "Let me get
back to you. "So the next day,
the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I
have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news
is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican.
The bishops rejoice at the news.
Then one asks about the
The pope replies, "The bad news
is that we lost the Wonder
Subj: The Pope Buys A Camera (S279b, DU)
From: twistedhumor.com on 11/1/2000
A fellow was visiting the Vatican
and became separated
from his tour group. After wandering for awhile, he
needed to relieve himself. He finally found a bathroom
and wandered in. You can imagine his surprise to
discover the Pope sitting on the toilet masturbating.
Figuring that this was an attraction few tourists ever
saw, he snapped a couple of pictures. The Pope managed
to recover his composure and offered the fellow $10,000
for the camera. The fellow decide to take him up on
the offer and an exchange was arranged.
The camera was a pretty nice
unit, so after disposing
of the film, the Pope decided he would use it on his
world travels. One day while visiting a foreign
country, a faithful follower noticed the Pope's camera
and remarked that it was quite a unit. He then asked,
"How much did you pay for it?"
"Ten thousand dollars."
"Wow, the guy who sold you that must have seen you coming!"
Subj: The Pope Is Challenged To A Golf Match
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #212 on 97-11-27
The Pope met with the College
of Cardinals to discuss a
proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres
wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior,
by challenging you to a golf match."
The Pope was greatly disturbed,
as he had never held a golf
club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal,
"we'll call America and
talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can
play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good
idea. The call was made. Of
course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day
after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform
the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad
news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.
Tell me the good news first,
Cardinal Nicklaus," said the
"Well, your Holiness, I don't
like to brag, but even though
I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life,
this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have
been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my
irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was
perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope
asked. "Yes", Nicklaus sighed.
"I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."
Subj: Darcy Cartoon (DU)
By Jeff Darcy on March 14, 2013
In Northeast Ohio Media Group
Subj: The Pope And Two Beggars (S925)
From: tom on 10/6/2014
Two beggars are sitting side
by side on a street in Rome,
Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is
holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at
both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the
beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops
to watch the throngs of people
giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none
give to the beggar holding the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches
the beggar with the Star of
David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand?
This is a Catholic Country; this city is the seat of
Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if
you sit there with a Star of David in front of you,
especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is
holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more
money to him just out of spite."
The beggar with the Star of David
listened to the Pope,
smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said,
"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers
Subj: Pope's Blessing (S846)
From: tom on 3/31/2013
Pope Francis finished his first
sermon with the Latin phrase
"Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.
So, after the service, a women's
rights group approached him
and said they noticed he had blessed all Mankind, but hadn't
blessed all Womankind.
So, the next day he concluded
the service by saying, "Tuti
Homini, et Tuti Femini"... Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
Well!!, the next day, a gay-rights
group approached him,
noting that he had blessed mankind and womankind, but hadn't
blessed gays, lesbians, transvestites, etc., etc.
So, the next day, he concluded
his Sermon with, "Tuti Homini,
et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
Subj: The Pope's Alaskan Vacation (S647)
From: allenbergman on 5/28/2009
The Pope went on vacation for
a few days to visit the
rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the
campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic
commotion just at the edge of the woods.
He found a helpless Democrat
wearing wearing shorts,
sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt.
The man was screaming and struggling frantically,
thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the
grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear. As the Pope watched in
horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah
shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum
slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men
pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.
Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off
the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto
the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly
placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they
began to leave, the Pope summoned al of them men over
"I give you my blessing for your
brave actions!" he
proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred
between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental
activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this
is not true." As the Pope drove off, one logger asked
his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?"
"Dude, that was the Pope," another
replied. "He's in
direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he
may have access to all
wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting!
By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go
back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
Subj: Cardinal Hans Grapje (S437b, DU)
From: DoctorDebt on 6/16/2005
As I understand it, Cardinal
Ratzinger was not the Cardinals'
first choice. The first choice was, interestingly, Cardinal
Grapje was raised in a Catholic
school in The Hague and, as a
young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into
the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s
until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left
arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain,
giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.
After the war, he became a priest,
serving as a missionary in
Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to
villages across the continent.
In 1997, Father Grapje was serving
in Zimbabwe when an explosion
in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down
into the mine to administer last rites to those too severely
injured to move.
Another shaft collapsed, and
he was buried for three days,
suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right
eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him
purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin
Although Cardinal Grapje devoted
his life to the service of
God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders felt
that he should never ascend to the Papacy.
However, he was bypassed for
the Papacy because they felt that
the Church would never accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying
purple Papal leader.
Subj: Cole Cartoon (DU)
By John Cole in Denver Post
Subj: Man Wants To Talk To The Pope (S205, DU)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 11/05/2000
This guy goes to see the Pope
as he was visiting in Europe.
There is a huge crowd of people there but he manages to get
He watches as the Pope stops
every once in a while to whisper
something in a their ear. He was dressed in his best suit
because he really wanted the Pope to talk to him but, as the
Pope came up to him, he walked right by and stopped by a guy
near him who was homeless and dressed in rags.
So, the man says to himself,
"I know why he stopped at him,
he's homeless!" So the man pays the homeless guy 50 dollars
to use his clothes and he goes back the next day.
Well, this time the Pope stopped
at him, leaned over, and
whispered, "I thought I told you to get out of here yesterday!
Subj: Pope And The Lords Prayer
From: RFSlick on 98-04-30
Moved to 'Colonel Sanders Visits The Pope' above.
Subj: The Pope And A Call From God (DU)
One day, the phone rings
in the Vatican. "It is for you,
your Holiness", says the secretary. The Pope picks up the
phone, and is absolutely stunned to hear the voice of God,
God says, "Hello, my son.
I've been doing a great deal
of thinking lately. I've come to the conclusion that I am
sick and tired of all this fighting and bickering and
pettiness, in my name, which has afflicted Christianity
for so long..."
The Pope, after recovering from
his shock and joy, says,
"Oh, yes, Father. It has been terrible. Some days, I
simply do not know where to turn, or what to say."
"Well, yes..." says
God, "and that is why I've decided
to do something about it I've got some good news and some
bad news. From this day forward, I've decided to proclaim
one church, one denomination, as supreme and absolute. No
more of this dickering over allegience will be tolerated."
The Pope exclaims, "Oh, Heavenly
Father, this is GOOD NEWS
indeed! I am so relieved and so excited. What could
possibly be bad news about this?"
"Well.......", says God,
clearing his throat, "the bad
news is that I'm calling from Salt Lake City."
Sub: The Pope And A Lawyer Enter Heaven (DU)
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves
together before the
Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent
discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows
up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After
passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides
to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight
from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn
of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings.
This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending
eternity, (at least until the end of time..)
"Hot Dang", the Pope says to
His-self, "If he's getting a
place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!".
They take flight once again,
and as Pete leads on, the
landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until
they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses.
Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes
new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff all his
The Pope, in a mild state of
astonishment, cries out, "Hey
Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer in a
beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma,
end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly
and replies, "Look here
old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with
spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're
putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma
together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the
first lawyer to make it up here!!"
Sub: Pope Visits A Construction Site
When the pope was in Australia
at the end of last year (or
whenever it was), he visited a construction site (perhaps
he was looking to upgrade the vatican). Anyway, at the
site, he walked up to a man who was using a hammer. Just
as the pope arrived, the man hit his thumb with the hammer
and screamed "FUCK ME". The pope, shocked by what he heard,
told the injured man to say "JESUS CHRIST" and the good lord
would come down and take all of his pain away. So the pope
made his way along to the next man who was also using hammer
and also hit himself on the thumb and also screamed "FUCK
ME". So the pope told the poor fellow to say "JESUS CHRIST"
and the good lord would come down and take all of his pain
away. The pope kept wandering and came to a third man who
was cutting some wood with a bansaw. Just as the pope
arrived (all three of these men had great timing), the man
cut his thumb off with the bansaw. He screamed out loud
"JESUS CHRIST" and his thumb jumped off the floor from where
it had fallen and reconnected itself to the man's hand. The
pope responded by screaming out "FUCK ME" !!
Subj: Pope At Los Vegas (DU)
The Pope walked into this hotel
in Las Vegas and walked up
to the desk to check in. The clerk said" I don't believe
it, it's Elvis Presley!"
The Pope replied," No, No it's
me the pope. See my white
The clerk said," Oh yes I see,
sorry." and gave him his
keys. The bellboy came over to get the Popes bags and
said "Oh my God it's Elvis Presley, I don't believe it.
I knew you were alive!"
The Pope chuckled and said, "No,
no my son. I'm the Pope,
God's representative on earth. See my pointed hat and
"Oh yes, I see," said the bellboy
and took his bags up to
the Popes room. When the Pope got to his room and opened
his door he saw a naked lady lying on his bed. The naked
lady looked at the Pope and shouted, "Elvis Presley, it's
The Pope said, "A one for the money, two for the show..."
Subj: The Pope In A Contest With A Jew (S56)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-18
One day, a very long time ago,
the pope was looking out
over his balcony and couldn't help but notice a bunch of
the Jews walking around on the street. He could tell
because they were Hassidic Jews with the black hats and
the dreadlocks. Well, this disturbed the pope. The next
day he made a proclamation that all of the Jews had to
leave Rome. He figured that Rome was the center of the
Roman Catholic Church and it shouldn't be a home for the
A bunch of Jews went to the pope
and said, "Your holiness!
Your holiness! That's not fair, you can't just kick us
out, we've lived here over 800 years. You're the pope
you're supposed to be a fair guy!"
The pope thinks about this for
a moment and says, "You're
right, I am the pope and I have to be a fair guy, we'll
have a contest...a contest of symbolism. If I win, you
have to leave, if you win, you can stay." The pope thinks
to himself that he has this contest all locked up.
The Jews figure this is the best
chance they are going to
get so they agree. They set a day to meet at the colosseum.
The big day comes and the colosseum
is packed. The pope
walks out to thunderous applause and the crowd cheering,
"Pope! Pope! Pope!" He looks great, he's wearing the robes
and the hat and looks just totally decked out for the
occasion. He points to a small group of Jews and says,
"All right, who do you have?"
The Jews didn't even know if
this contest was a team sport
or an individual competition. So they push out Moshe,
Moshe the puppet maker.
Just when they push Moshe out
the crowd starts to offer a
little polite applause and Moshe figures to himself, "What
do I have to lose?"
The pope says, "I will make the
first symbol." And then
with a mighty gesture he raises both arms to the sky.
Moshe looks at him and points to the ground.
The pope furls his brow and holds
up one hand with one
finger raises so that all can see. Moshe shrugs and holds
up three fingers to the pope.
The pope starts to sweat a little.
He reaches into his
robes and pulls out some wine and a holy wafer. Moshe
reaches in his pocket and pulls out an apple.
The pope throws up his arms and
shouts, "That's it the Jews
win, they can stay!" and storms off.
All of the cardinals and the
bishops chase after the pope
and ask, "What happened?"
The pope says, "I can't believe
it! First I said, God is
everywhere, and he reminds me, the pope, that God is here.
Then I said there is only one god, and he, a Jew, reminds
me, the pope, of the trinity. But the last straw was when
I pulled out the wine and the wafer reminding us of Jesus'
sacrifice to man, and he pulled out the apple reminding us
of original sin." All of the cardinals and the bishops
sighed and mumbled, "Whoa, those Jews are one clever bunch."
MEANWHILE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN....
All the Jews gathered around
Moshe and said, "Moshe, Moshe,
"Ah, it was nothing. First
he said, Get out of town! and
I said, were staying. Then he said, to hell with you, and
I said, to hell with you three times....."
"Then he pulled out his lunch, and I pulled out mine."
Subj: Pope Talks From Balcony
The Pope was on his balcony,
addressing the assembled
throng in St. Peter's Square. "You must love each other
like brothers!", he proclaimed. The crowd listened. "You
must respect the holy sanctity of marriage!", he cautioned.
Still they listened. "You must not have sex outside of
marriage!", he commanded.
Suddenly a young woman in the
crowd shouted "Hey! You no
play-a da game, you no make-a da rules!!!"
Subj: Pope Calls His Mom
The Pope calls his mother right
after being elected Pope.
Pope: Hi mom, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Mother: What's the good news?
Pope: I've just been elected Pope.
Mother: What's the bad news?
Pope: I have to move into a Italian neighborhood.
Subj: The Pope Does A Crossword Puzzle (S641c)
From: ipkis on 97-08-22
A shy gentleman was preparing
to board a plane when he
heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is
exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big
fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in
person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in
the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman
was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope
began a crossword puzzle.
"This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really
good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll
ask me for assistance." Almost immediately, the Pope turned
to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a
four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
Only one word leapt to mind...
"My goodness," thought the
gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be
another." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it
hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said,
"I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
Subj: American Has Audience With Pope
From: RBishop707 on 97-12-07
An American businessman spent
a lot of time in Rome. A
devout Catholic, he tried for years to get an audience
with the Pope. When his request was finally granted, he
reverently approached his Holiness and kissed his toe.
After the Pope had blessed him, the businessman said,
``Your Holiness, I want you to know this has been the
most inspirational experience of my life. I am deeply
grateful. While I'm aware of the solemnity of the moment,
I want to share a story with you. There were these two
"Excuse me, my son," the Pope
interruptrd, "but are
you aware that I am Polish?"
"Yes, your Holiness," the man
continued. "But don't
worry--- I'II go real slow."
Subj: Short Pope Jokes
German Pope Makes Changes (S450b)
From: Dickschu on 8/29/2005
To see the changes made by the new Pope, click 'HERE'.
What does the Pope say when he
makes the sign of the
cross from the balcony?
On the down stroke "All you dagos"
On the cross stroke "Get off the grass"
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
Q: Why have dogs been banned
from the vatican?
A: Because they pee on Poles.
Q: What do the Pope And 7-Up
have in common?
A: "Never had it, never will."
Q: Do you know how the Pope keeps
his papers together?
A: With papal clips.
Q: What language do the Vatican
A: Pig Latin!
Q: What Kind Of Meat Does The
Pope Eat On Fridays?
Q: What happened to the Pope
when he went to Mount Olive?
A: Popeye almost killed him!
.............................Mass from ClickSmilies.com