Subj:     Priest2 Jokes
                 (Includes 26 jokes and articles, 16 1053,2,cf,vXT5a,0)

Cross w/Ivy from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Herman Cartoon (S1053)
.........................Turkey Penance (S331)
.........................80 Year Old Confesses To An Affair (S126b, S585c)
.........................Priest And Young Boy Talk About His Collar (S123)
.........................2ed, Priest And Boy Talk About His Collar (S238, S650)
.........................Man Confesses To Almost Having Sex (S117, S546c)
.........................Man Joins Silent Monastery (S115, S508)
.........................Men Of The Cloth Visit Whore House (S109)
.........................Priest Hears About Nookie Green (S100, S742)
.........................Priest Hears Man's Confession Of An Affair (S78)
.........................Priest And Nun Pretend They're Married (S283b)
.........................Priest Posted To The Desert
.........................Woman Confesses Sex With Boyfriend (S157, S585b)
.........................Promotions for Priests
.........................Priest Hears Confession Of Amorous Man
.........................Priest Gets Up On The Wrong Side (S57, S695)
.........................Twelve Monk's Final Test (S325)
.........................Monks Open A Flower Shop (S198, S610c)
.........................Three Priests Go Skinny Dipping (S293b)
.........................Two Priests In The Shower (S44)
.........................Final Test For Priesthood (S48)
.........................Priest Says Hoover (S407, S756)
.........................Priest Plays Golf On Sunday (S121, S823)
.........................Priest And Youth Play Golf (S295b)
.........................Priest And Youth Play Golf II (S495b, S787)
.........................Priest Hears Golfer's Confession (S209, S855)
.........................Two Fellows Play Golf (S590b, S771)

Subj:     Herman Cartoon (S1053)
          By Jim Unger on 4/21/2011
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/herman/2011/04/21
Subj:     Turkey Penance (S331)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 6/2/2003

 Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian
 said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this
 turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my

 "Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must
 return it to the one from whom you stole it."

 "I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what
 should I do?"

 "If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to
 keep it for your family."

 Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

 When confession was over, the Priest returned to his
 residence.  When he walked into the kitchen, he found that
 someone had stolen his turkey.

Subj:     80 Year Old Confesses To An Affair (S126b, S585c)
          From: RFSlick on 6/23/99
      and From: tom on 4/7/2008

 An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest,
 "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have 4 kids and 11
 grandchildren.  Last night I had an affair and made love to
 two 18-year old girls. Both of them. Twice."

 The priest says, "Well, my son, when was the last time you
 were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

 "I'm telling everyone."

Subj:     Priest And Young Boy Talk About His Collar (S123)
          From: KMacinty on 6/1/99

 A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school
 near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting
 by on the way to the cafeteria.  One little lad of about three or
 four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked,
 "Why do you dress funny?"

 He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.

 Then the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked,
 "Do you have an owie?"

 The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar
 tab looked like a band aid.  The priest took it out and handed it
 to the boy to show him.  On the back of the tab are raised letters
 giving the name of the manufacturer.

 The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you
 know what those words say?"

 "Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read.  Peering
 intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six

Subj:     2ed, Priest And Boy Talk About His Collar (S238, S650)
          From: JBCARY1 on 8/20/2001
      and From: allenbergman on 6/24/2009

 A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a
 book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.  The
 little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

 The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father."  The little
 boy replied " My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.

 "The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the
 Father of many."  The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls
 and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

 The priest getting impatient said "I am the Father of
 hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

 The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned
 over and whispered.... "Well, maybe you should wear a condom
 and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

Subj:     Man Confesses To Almost Having Sex (S117, S546c)
          From: DoctorDebt on 2/13/2004
      and From: gattica30 on 6/28/2007

 A married Irishman goes to confessional and tells the priest,
 "I had an affair with a woman - almost."  The priest says,
 "What do you mean, 'almost'?"

 The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,
 but then I stopped."  The priest replies,  "Rubbing together
 is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that
 woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the
 poor box."

 The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers,
 then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and
 then starts to leave.  The priest, who was watching him,
 quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that.  You didn't
 put any money in the poor box!"

 The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and
 you said it was the same as putting it in!"

Subj:     Man Joins Silent Monastery (S115, S508)
          From: collins2 on 4/11/99
      and From: LABLaughsClean on 10/17/2006

 A man was tired of the work force. Tired of going to work
 everyday, tired of dealing with people in general.  So,
 he decided to join the local monastery.

 Upon entering, the head monsignor told him that they have
 very strict rules, one of which is, that you cannot talk
 at all, not one word for 5 years.  After 5 years you will
 be called into my office and you may say two words.  The
 man decided to join.  For 5 years he didn't utter a word.
 At the end of that 5 years he went into the monsignor's
 office, the monsignor said, you may now say your two words.
 With that the man said "foods cold".

 Five more years go by and he is in the monsignor's office
 again.  The monsignor told him to go ahead and say his two
 words. The man said "beds hard".

 Another 5 years go by and he is in the monsignor's office
 again, and this time he says "I quit". The monsignor says
 "I am not surprised, you have done nothing but complain
 since you got here".

Subj:     Men Of The Cloth Visit Whore House (S109)
          From: grs on 99-03-03

 A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road
 damage directly across the street from a house of ill
 repute when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking
 about and then ducking into the house.

 "Would ya look at that Darby!" said Pat.  "What a shameful
 disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house
 the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in
 disgust and continued their work.

 A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked
 around himself cautiously and then darted into the house
 when he was satisfied no one had spied him.  "Did ya see
 that Darby?" Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief.
 "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people?  I just can't
 understand what the world is coming to these days.  A man
 of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh.
 'Tis a crying shame, I tell ya!"

 Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic
 priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if
 any one was watching and then  quietly sneaking in the

 "Oh no, Darby, look!"  Said Pat removing his cap.  "One
 of the poor girls musta died.

Subj:     Priest Hears About Nookie Green (S100, S742)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #302 on 98-12-30
      and From: allenbergman on 3/24/2011

 A priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing

 A man walks in and kneels down - father, it has been two
 weeks since my last confession - these are my sins.  Last
 night I had sex with Nookie Green.

 That is your sin?


 You are forgiven.  Go out and say one Our Father.

 The man leaves.  Soon, another enters and kneels.  Father,
 it has been one month since my last confession.  These are
 my sins.  I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for
 the last month.

 The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is
 fairly popular with his male parishioners...

 Those are your sins?


 You are forgiven.  Go out and say three Hail Marys.

 The man leaves.  Soon, another enters and kneels down.
 Father, it has been six months since my last confession.
 These are my sins -I have had sex with Nookie Green twice
 a week for the last six months.

 This time priest has to ask - Who is this Nookie Green?

 Just a woman I know.

 Very well - you are forgiven.  Go out and say ten Hail

 The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves
 wondering who this Nookie Green woman is.

 The next morning, the priest is up in front of his
 congregation giving the sermon.  The doors fly open in
 the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall
 redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress,
 green sequined heels, and a green hat with a long green
 feather coming from it.  She walks straight up the aisle
 and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees
 apart.  The priest can not help but stop and stare.  He
 finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar
 boy - Pssssst.  Is that Nookie Green?

 The altar boy has a look and and says, "No, I think it's
 just the reflection off her shoes."

Subj:     Priest Hears Man's Confession Of An Affair (S78)
          From: thebartend on 98-07-28

 Same as 'Man Confesses To Almost Having Sex' in this file.

Subj:     Priest And Nun Pretend They're Married (S283b)
          From: Anaise on 98-06-10

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while,
they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared
to go to sleep.

There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor
but only one bed.  Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister,
you sleep on the bed.  I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping

Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall
asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold."  He unzipped the
sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.

Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and
started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said,

"Father, I'm still very cold."  He unzipped the bag,  got up
again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping
bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."

This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea.
We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know
what happened.  Let's pretend we're married."

The nun said, "That's fine by me."

To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own
stupid blanket!"

Subj:     Priest Posted To The Desert
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/14/98

 Seems this Catholic priest was feeling despondent over being
 posted to a dry, desert parish.  He wrote letters to his
 bishop constantly, requesting that he be posted somewhere
 more hospitable. No reply to his letters ever came, and soon
 the letters stopped.

 Some time later, when the archbishop was making the rounds
 of the rural churches, he stopped in to see how the unhappy
 priest was doing.  He found a pleasant man, in an air-
 conditioned church.  There were no parishoners, since the
 closest neighbors were many miles away.  The archbishop
 admitted to some confusion, since the priest did not look
 like the desperate writer of so many letters.  He asked the
 priest how he liked it out in the desert.

 "At first I was unhappy.  But thanks to two things I have
 grown to love it out here in the sparse desert."

 "And they are?" the archibishop inquired.

 "The first is my Rosary.  Without my Rosary I wouldn't make
 it a day out here."

 "And the second?"

 At this the priest looked askance.  "Well, to be honest, I
 have developed a taste for martinis in the afternoon.  They
 help to alleviate the heat during the worst part of the
 day."  He looked sheepish at this admission, but the arch-
 bishop just smiled.

 "Martinis, eh?  Well, that's not so bad.  In fact, I'd be
 glad to share one with you right now, if you don't mind
 that is."

 "Not at all!" the priest exulted, "Let me get one for you
 right away."

 Turning to the back of the church, the priest shouted, "Oh,

Subj:     Woman Confesses Sex With Boyfriend (S157, S585b)
          From: thebartend on 98-05-11 and 11/17/2003
      and From: tom on 4/7/2008

 There once was a young woman who went to confession.

 Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father,
 for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and
 be forgiven."

 The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad
 passionate love to me seven times."

 The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven
 lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice.

 The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

 "NO, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Subj:     Promotions For Priests
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/11/98

 A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and
 the Rabbi leans over and asks, "So how high can you advance
 in your organisation?"

 The Priest says "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a

 "Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi.

 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light
 that I might be made an Arch Bishop" said the Priest a bit

 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"

 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a
 Cardinal", said the priest.

 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the

 Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said "I suppose that I
 could be elected Pope, but..."

 So the Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than
 that?, is there any way to go up from being the Pope?"

 "What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!"

 The Rabbi leaned back and said "One of our boys made it."

Subj:     Priest Hears Confession Of Amorous Man
          From: The Bartenders Joke of the Day on 18 Mar 98

 Once, there was this guy, who personally felt that he has done
 lot of sins and one day he has decided to go to the church and
 confess all of his sins. When he arrived at a church, he walked
 to the confession area and spoke to the priest.

 "Father, I am sinful. "

 "Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will
 forgive you."

 "Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's
 been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us.
 Yesterday,I visited her house, nobody was at home except for
 her sister. We were alone and I slept with her. "

 "That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."

 "Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but
 nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept
 with her too."

 "That's not very good of you."

 "Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for
 her, nobody was around except for her aunt, and I slept with
 her too."

 "Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realized that
 there was no response from the Father, he walked over and
 discovered that the priest was not there. So he began
 searching for him.

 "Father? Where are you?"

 He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding
 under the table behind the piano.

 "Father, why are you hiding here?"

 "Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here
 except you and me."

Subj:     Priest Gets Up On The Wrong Side (S57, S695)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #234 on 98-03-04
      and From: LABLaughsAdult on 9/27/2005

 A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast.
 On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good
 morning sisters." and they reply in a sing song manner, "You
 got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

 This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite
 but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while
 later along the way and he says,"Good morning Brother."

 The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on
 the wrong side of the bed this morning."  The priest looks
 confused at all this but goes on.

 He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest
 and he says, "Good morning Father."

 The priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the
 wrong side of the bed this morning."  Now the priest was mad.
 He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word
 to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..."

 The young priest was not going to take any more even from
 the Bishop.  He looks at the Bishop and says, "No I did not
 get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"

 The Bishop looks at him stunned and says, "What?" The priest
 realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your Holiness,
 what is it you want?"

 The Bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was
 ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"

Subj:     Twelve Monk's Final Test (S325)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 4/25/2003

 Twelve monks were about to be ordained.  The final test
 was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude,
 in a garden while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude
 model danced before them.  Each monk had a small bell
 attached to his penis and they were told that anyone
 whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would
 not be ordained because he had not reached a state of
 spiritual purity.

 The beautiful model danced before the first monk candidate,
 with no reaction She proceeded down the line with the same
 response from all the monks until she got to the final
 monk. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that
 it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.

 Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to
 pick up the bell.

 And then, all the other bells started to ring.

Subj:     Monks Open a Flower Shop (S198, S610c)
          From: ipkis on 97-08-22
      and From: hellgunner50 on 9/16/2008

 There once was a small town in which lived a group of monks.
 These monks, having need of money to fund their monastary,
 decided to open up a flower shop.  Well the rest of the towns-
 people were very pleased at first, since they hadn't had a
 flower shop before.  However, some people became concerned
 when they noticed that whenever children were sent to the
 flower shop to buy (you guessed it!) flowers, they went

 A group of citizens went to the shop to see if the monks knew
 what had happened to them.  They entered the store and were
 immediately impressed and awed by the wide assortment of
 exotic flora present.  However, their admiration turned to
 horror when one of the larger plants reached down, grabbed a
 small boy, and swallowed him whole!

 The villagers fled the shop screaming, attracting the attention
 of the other townspeople.  As soon as the news was spread, the
 people decided that the only thing to do was to get rid of the
 evil monks!

 A group of 20 men were assembled, and they armed themselves
 with clubs and staves.  At high noon, they attacked the monks'
 flower shop.  However, they were unprepared for the high level
 of fighting skills of the brown-robed brothers: The men were
 beaten back in less than fifteen minutes!

 So the townspeople assembled a second group, this time arming
 them with knives and scythes.  At midnight, they attacked.  But
 once again, the merciless monks beat them back, this time in
 less than ten minutes!

 The townspeople were at a loss.  Who would save them from the
 corrupt Cappucins?  Suddenly, out of the darkness, stepped Hugh
 the blacksmith, the tallest, strongest, and dumbest man in the

 "Do not worry, my friends", said Hugh. "I will rid this town of
 these evil evangelists!"

 The townspeople, having no other alternative (and nothing to
 lose except a relatively poor blacksmith), armed Hugh with clubs,
 staves, knives and scythes, and sent him off to vanquish the foul
 friars.  They waited impatiently at the edge of the town, hoping
 against hope that Hugh would return victorious.

 Suddenly, over the crest of the hill, sillouetted against the
 afternoon sun, appeared Hugh.  Over his shoulder was slung the
 remains of the hideous man-eating plant.

 "The monks have fled!  Their flowers will trouble us no more!",
 cried Hugh.  The townspeople cried out with joy, and, proclaiming
 the day a holiday, feasted and danced until dawn.

 From that day on, a moral was passed on to all the children of
 the town.  Whenever they were tempted to make fun of Hugh and his
 slow ways, they were reminded:

 "That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars"

Second version From: jdillow@pacbell.net on 1/28/2002

 These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
 opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since
 everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival
 florist across town thought the competition was unfair.  He
 asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
 He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored
 him.  So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the
 roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them
 to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
 saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.  Terrified,
 they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can
 prevent florist friars.

Subj:     Three Priests Go Skinny Dipping (S293b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/12/2002

 Three priests went for a hike one day. It was very hot.
 They were sweating and were exhausted when they came upon
 a small lake.  Since it was fairly secluded, they took
 off all their clothes and jumped into the water.

 Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries
 while enjoying their "freedom".  As they were crossing an
 open area, a group of ladies came along from town.  Unable
 to get to their clothes in time, two of the priests covered
 their privates, but the third one covered his face while
 they ran for cover.

 After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes
 back on, the first two priests asked the third why he
 covered his face rather than his privates.

 The third replied, "I do not know about you, but in my
 congregation, it is my face they would recognize."

Subj:     Two Priests In The Shower (S44)
          From: The Bartenders Joke of the day on 12/1/97

 One morning 2 priests head to the showers and it isn't
 until they are already in the shower they both realize
 they did not bring any soap.

 Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap, he checks
 out the hallway, no one is around so rather than get
 dressed he decides to make a run for it.  He checks the
 hall before heading back to the showers - all clear, so
 he makes a break for it.

 Just as he turns the corner to the showers he spots three
 nuns walking towards him.  With no where to go he stands
 perfectly still, holding the 2 bars of soap hoping the
 nuns will think he's a statue.

 The nuns approach, "oh my look at that, isn't that the
 most life like statue you've ever seen?" the first asks.
 She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a
 couple of tugs on the priest's tally whacker.  Startled
 he drops the 1st bar of soap. "Oh heavens she exclaims,
 I got a bar of soap".

 The 2nd nun amazed at how realistic the statue looked
 steps closer and again, a couple of tugs on the priest's
 tally whacker and he drops the other bar of soap "my
 goodness, I got a bar of soap too". The nuns can't
 believe it.

 The 3rd nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to
 it and gives a couple of tugs, "my God this is amazing"
 she says, "I got hand soap!!"

Subj:     Final Test For Priesthood (S48)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #280 on 97-12-28

 Three young Irish candidates for the priesthood are told by
 the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy
 Test.  The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them
 to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's willy.

 In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer
 costume.  She begins to dance sensually around the first


 "Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in
 your lack of control.  Run along now and take a long, cold
 shower and pray about your carnal weakness."  The candidate

 The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate,
 slowly peeling off her layers of veils.  As the last veil


 "Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor.  "You too are unable
 to withstand your carnal desires.  Off you go... take a long,
 cold shower and pray for forgiveness."

 The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final

 Nothing.  She writhes up and down against his body.  No
 response.  Finally, exhausted, she quits.

 "Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the
 Monsignor.  "Only you have the true strength of character
 needed to become a priest.  Now, go and join your weaker
 brethren in the showers."


Subj:     Priest Says Hoover (S407, S756)
          From: DafterLafter on 11/16/2004
      and From: ezines@arcamax.com on 7/4/2011

 Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner.  On the
 first hole, he sliced into the rough.  His opponent heard
 him mutter "Hoover!" under his breath.

 On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water
 hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.

 On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Fr. Murphy's drive
 landed on the green only six inches from the hole!
 "Praise be to God!"

 He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around
 the hole instead of going in.  "HOOVER!!!!"

 By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity
 any longer, and asked why the priest said,  "Hoover".

 "It's the biggest dam I know!"

Subj:     Priest Plays Golf On Sunday (S121, S823)
          From: Imogenelumen on 4/28/2004
      and From: tom on 10/14/2012

 One Sunday morning, Father Flannagan was really in the mood
 for golf and decided to play "hookie".  He called the Asst.
 Pastor and said he was sick.  He then snuck over to the
 Country Club, knowing it would be closed and no one would
 be there, and he climbed over the fence.  When he got to the
 first hole, St. Peter said to God, "Look, Lord, there's a
 man of the cloth playing golf on Sunday morning!"

 The Lord said, "Don't worry, I'll get him."

 St. Peter asked, "Are you going to send down a bolt of

 The Lord said, "No.  Don't worry, I'll get him."

 Father Flannagan winds up and hits his tee shot.  Never had
 he hit such a drive!  The ball was still going up as it passed
 the 200 yard marker!  320 yards out, right in the middle of
 the fairway, was a small boulder.  The priests ball came
 flying in, careened off the top of the rock, and flew straight
 at the green.....five feet off the ground and moving like a
 bullet.  The ball bounced 20 feet in front of the green, and
 rolled up the green and dropped into the cup!

 St. Peter looked over at God and dryly said, "I thought you
 were going to punish him?"

 The Lord answered, "Who's he going to tell?"

Subj:     Priest And Youth Play Golf (S295b, S1053)
          From: rfslick on 7/30/2013

 One day a priest and a youth went to play golf.  The youth
 got to go first, he stood over the tee and swung with all
 his might but only scuffed the grass and said "Damn missed!!"

 The priest gave him a bad look.  The youth tried again and
 once again he scuffed the grass, "Damn missed!!" he said
 again.  The priest was now getting rather upset at this young
 man's language and said "God will get very angry if you say
 that again !"

 Once again the youth swore.  The priest now furious said "If
 you say that again God will strike you down with a bolt of
 lightening !"
Sure enough he did.  This time as he said
those words the sky went dark, oh so very
dark, it filled with clouds and suddenly a
bolt of lightening came out from them and
struck the priest dead!!!

As the youth stood shocked a deep rumbling
voice from the clouds bellowed out "Damn
missed !!"
Animated GIF from rfslick on 1/19/2013

Subj:     Priest And Youth Play Golf II (S495b, S787)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 7/19/2006
      and From: kgilmour2000 on 2/13/2012

 A young man and a priest are playing together.  At a short
 par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this
 hole my son?"

 The young man says,  "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
 The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

 The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the
 green.  The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball
 out a few yards.

 The young man says,  "I don't know about you father, but
 in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

Subj:     Priest Hears Golfer's Confession (S209, S855)
          From: pns on 2/3/2001
      and From: AFine963 on 5/31/2013

 This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father
 for I have sinned."  The priest asks if he would like to
 confess his sins and the man replies that he used the
 "F-word" over the weekend.

 The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and
 try to watch your language.

 The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he
 said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to

 "Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies
 instead of going to church."   The priest says, "And you
 got upset over that and swore?"

 The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore.  On the first
 tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."  The
 priest said, "And that's when you swore."

 The man replied, a little testily because of the constant
 interruptions, "No, it wasn't.  When I walked up the fairway,
 I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot
 to the green.  However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel
 ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."  The priest
 asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"

 The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught
 the squirrel in it's sharp talons and flew away."  The priest
 let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"

 The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green
 and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed
 within 5 inches of the hole."  The priest screamed, "Don't
 tell me you missed the f------ putt!!!"

Subj:     Two Fellows Play Golf (S590b, S771)
          From: ginafm on 5/4/2008
      and From: tom on 10/20/2011

 A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole
 when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join
 him.  The first said that he usually played alone, but
 agreed to the twosome.

 They were even after the first two holes.  The second guy
 said,  "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for
 five bucks a hole?"

 The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting,
 but agreed to the terms.

 The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

 As they were walking off number eighteen, and while
 counting his $80, the second guy confessed that he was the
 pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

 The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

 The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to
 return the money.

 The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish
 to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

 The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up
 to you?"

 The Priest said, "Well, you could come to mass on Sunday
 and make a donation.  And, if you bring your mother and
 father along, I'll marry them."

                           -(o o)-
.............................From PhotoBucket.com.