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Subj:     Priest3 Jokes
                 (Includes 36 jokes and articles, 12730,3,cf,md4w,1)

Silver Cross from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Four Priests Argue (S630b)
.........................Father's Retirement Dinner (S490, S688b)
.........................A Priest Goes To McDonalds (S442)
.........................Archive Transfer- Cartoon (S412b)
.........................Three Priests Buy Train Tickets (S347)
.........................Dinner Honors Priest's 25th Year (S321b)
.........................Priest Helps Boy Ring Doorbell (S311b)
.........................Priest Offers Nun A Lift (S305b, S506c)
.........................Training The New Priest (S159, S330)
.........................Two Priests Go On Vacation (S153)
.........................Elvis is Back (S147)
                         Short Priest Jokes
..............................The Flying McCoys Cartoon (S730)
..............................Man Enters Confessional Box (S659b)
..............................The Priest And Turpentine (S473c)
..............................Priest Consults A Lawyer (S323)
..............................Two Priests At The Urnal (S306, S522c)
..............................Rabbi, Lawyer, And Priest On A Ship (S276)
..............................Seducing Priests (S254)
..............................Man Confesses To Sex W/Five Women (S198)

============================================================Top
Subj:     Four Priests Argue (S630b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 1/29/2009

 So it seems that these four Priests had a series of
 theological arguments, and three were always in accord
 against the fourth.

 One day, the odd Priest out, after the usual "3 to 1,
 majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost
 again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

 "Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right
 and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to
 them!"

 It was a beautiful, sunny day.

 As soon as the Priest finished his prayer, a storm cloud
 moved acrossthe sky above the four. It rumbled once and
 dissolved.

 "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!"

 But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm
 clouds form on hot days.

 So the Priest prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger
 sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So
 please, God, a bigger sign!"

 This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each
 other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning
 slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

 "I told you I was right!" cried the Priest, but his
 friends insisted that nothing had happened that could
 not be explained by natural causes.

 The Priest was getting ready to ask for a *very big*
 sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned
 pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming
 voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT! "

 The Priest put his hands on his hips, turned to the
 other three, andsaid, "Well?"

 "So," shrugged one of the other Priests, "now it's
 3 to 2."

Top
Subj:     Father's Retirement Dinner (S490, S688b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 6/15/2006

 After twenty-five years in the same parish, Father O'Malley
 was saying his farewells at his retirement dinner.  An eminent
 member of the congregation - a leading politician - had been
 asked to make a presentation and a short speech, but was late
 arriving.

 So the priest took it upon himself to fill the time, and stood
 up to the microphone:

 "I remember the first confession I heard here twenty-five
 years ago and it worried me as to what sort of place I'd come
 to... That first confession remains the worst I've ever heard.
 The chap confessed that he'd stolen a TV set from a neighbor
 and lied to the police when questioned, successfully blaming
 it on a local scallywag.  He said that he'd stolen money from
 his parents and from his employer; that he'd had affairs with
 several of his friends' wives; that he'd taken hard drugs, and
 had slept with another woman and given her a disease.

 You can imagine what I thought... However I'm pleased to say
 that as the days passed I soon realized that this sad fellow
 was a frightful exception and that this parish was indeed a
 wonderful place full of kind and decent people..."

 At this point the politician arrived and apologized for being
 late, and keen to take the stage, he immediately stepped up to
 the microphone and pulled his speech from his pocket:

 "I'll always remember when Father O'Malley first came to our
 parish," said the politician, "In fact, I'm pretty certain
 that I was the first person in the parish that he heard in
 confession....."

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Subj:     A Priest Goes To McDonalds (S442)
          From: The Joke Station
          Source: http://www.4degreez.com/jokes/

 A priest goes to McDonalds and orders french fries, coke,
 and hamburger.

 "I'm sorry, we don't have fries, sir," says the clerk.

 "Then I'll have a coke and some fries."

 "Sir, we do not have fries, we ran out," says the clerk
 apologetically.

 The priest spouts, "then I'll have a burger and fries."

 The clerk begins to get pissed.  "Sir, who put the butter
 in butterfly?" he asks.

 The priest replies, "God of course."

 "Then who put the hum in hummingbird?"

 The priest replies, "God of course."

 "Then who put the frigg in fries?"

 The priest replies, "There is no frigg in fries."

 "That's what I've been trying to tell you..."

Top
Subj:     Archive Transfer (S412b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 12/9/2004
          At: http://www.ezines4all.com/ct200410/001.htm
 

Top
Subj:     Three Priests Buy Train Tickets (S347)
          From: Imogenelumen on 9/21/2003

 There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting
 to go home to Pittsburgh.  Behind the ticket counter was a
 very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman.
 The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they
 drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

 The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began,
 "I would like three pickets to titsburg."  Where upon he
 completely lost his composure and fled.

 The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three
 tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change
 in nipples and dimes."  So, of course, he also fled.

 Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets
 to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and
 dimes.  And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on
 dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St.
 Finger's going to shake his peter at you!

Top
Subj:     Dinner Honors Priest's 25th Year (S321b)
          From: DafterLafter on 3/22/2003

 A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the
 twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish.
 A leading local politician, who was a member of the
 congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and
 give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed
 in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few
 words while they waited.

 "You will understand," he said, "the seal of the
 confessional, can never be broken.  However, I got my
 first impressions of the parish from the first confession
 I heard here.  I can only hint vaguely about this, but
 when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had
 been assigned to a terrible place.  The very first chap
 who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a
 television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost
 murdered the officer.  Further, he told me he had embezzled
 money from his place of business and had an affair with his
 boss's wife.  I was appalled.  But as the days went on I
 knew that my people were not all like that, and I had,
 indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and
 loving people."

 Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician
 arrived full of apologies at being late.  He immediately
 began to make the presentation and give his talk.

 "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived
 in this parish," said the politician.  "In fact, I had the
 honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Top
Subj:     Priest Helps Boy Ring Doorbell (S311b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 1/14/2003

 A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices
 a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house
 across the street.  However, the boy is very small and the
 doorbell is too high for him to reach.

 After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest
 moves closer to the boy's position.

 He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the
 little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's
 shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

 Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles
 benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To
 which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Top
Subj:     Priest Offers Nun A Lift (S305b, S506c)
          From: JBCARY1 on 12/5/2002
      and From: auntiegah on 9/26/2006

 A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of
 the road.  He stopped and offered her a lift, which she
 accepted.

 She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to
 open and reveal a lovely leg.  The priest had a look
 and nearly got into an accident.

 After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his
 hand up her leg.  The nun looked at him and immediately
 said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

 The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.  He
 forced himself to remove his hand.

 However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
 Further on, while switching gears, he let his hand slide
 up her leg again.  The nun repeated, "Father, remember
 Psalm 129?"

 Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but
 the flesh is weak."

 Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a
 meaningful glance, and went on her way. On his arrival
 at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible
 and looked up Psalm 129.

 It read: "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
 glory."

 Moral of the story: Know the details of your job, or
 you might miss a great opportunity!!

Top
Subj:     Training The New Priest (S159)
          From: RFSlick on 02/14/2000

 The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he
 asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.  The new
 priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest
 asks him to step out of the confessional for a few
 suggestions.

 The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest,
 and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.

 The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,
 yes, go on,' and 'I understand. How did you feel about that?'"

 The new priest says those things. The old priest says, "Now,
 don't you think that's a little better than slapping your
 knee and saying 'No shit?!?  What happened next?'"

Top
Subj:     Two Priests Go On Vacation (S153)
          From: smiles on 01/07/2000

 Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided
 that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing
 anything that would identify them as clergy.

 As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and
 bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals,
 sunglasses, and etc.

 The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their
 "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying
 a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead
 gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight
 towards them.  They couldn't help but stare and when she
 passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father"
 - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of
 them individually, then passed on by.

 They were both stunned.  How in the world did she recognize
 them as priests?

 The next day they went back to the store, bought even more
 outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them
 before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in
 their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

 After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string
 bikini this time, came walking toward them again.  (They
 were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were
 about to pop out of their heads.)

 Again, she approached them and greeted them individually:
 "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started
 to walk away.

 One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a
 minute, young lady.  Yes, we are priests, and proud of it,
 but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"

 "Oh, Father, don't you recognize me?  I'm Sister Angela!"

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Subj:     Elvis is Back (S147)
          From: DVR on 11/26/1999

 Father O' Malley has been preaching at his church in Ireland
 for so long, that he decides to take a vacation.  He has
 never been married and he is curious as to what an American
 endures in everyday life.  So, he decides to go to the States
 before it is too late.

 He hops on the plane bound for Nevada.  He arrives in the
 airport in Las Vegas.  As he is exiting the plane, someone
 in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my
 God!  It's Elvis!  I knew you weren't dead Elvis!  How have
 you been?"

 Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face.  Can't you
 see I'm not Elvis?  I don't look a thing like Elvis."

 The father moves on to his cab waiting outside.  He hops in
 his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take
 me to my hotel and step on it."

 The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God!  It's
 Elvis!  I knew you weren't dead!  I'm your number one fan!
 It's so great to see you!"

 "Shut up, you imbecile.  I'm not Elvis!  Now turn around and
 drive!"

 So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel.  Father O'Malley gets
 his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter.

 "Oh my God! Oh my God!  It's you!" screams the hotel clerk.
 "You are back Elvis!  I knew this day would happen.  We saved
 everything just the way you like it!  Free cheeseburgers,
 peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs,
 complementary hookers and a full liquor bar!  I'm so glad
 you're back!"

 Father O' Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank
 you... Thank you very much!"

Top
Subj:     Short Priest Jokes

Top
Subj:     The Flying McCoys Cartoon (S730)
          by Glenn and Gary McCoy
          From: GoComics.com on 1/12/2010
Source: http://www.gocomics.com/theflyingmccoys/2011/01/07/
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Subj:     Man Enters Confessional Box (S659b)
          From: ginafm on 8/27/2009
 A Catholic man enters the Confessional box.  He notices on
 one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On the
 other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

 Then the priest comes in.  "Father, forgive me, for it's
 been a very long time since I've been to Confession, but I
 must first admit that the Confessional box is much more
 inviting these days."

 The priest replies, "Get out.....you're on my side."
 
 

Top
Subj:     The Priest And Turpentine (S473c)
          From: darrell94590
          on 2/7/2006
 This joke with picture can be seen on my web site by clicking
 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Priest Consults A Lawyer (S323)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 4/1/2003
 A parish priest was sitting in a lawyer's office, when he
 asked, "Is it true that you do not charge members of the
 clergy for your services?"

 "I'm sorry, Father, but you've been misinformed," the
 lawyer replied. "Those in your profession can look forward
 to a reward in the next world. We lawyers, on the other
 hand, must take ours in this one."
 

Top
Subj:     Two Priests At The Urnal (S306, S522c)
          From: pns on 11/17/2002
      and From: darrell94590 on 1/17/2007
 Fathers Pietro and Roberto are in a Vatican bathroom using
 the urinals.  Father Pietro looks at the other priest's
 equipment and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on the
 shaft of his rather large penis.  He looks over and says,
 "Father Roberto, I believe you're supposed to put that
 patch on your arm or shoulder, not down there!"

 Father Roberto replies, "It's working just fine.  I'm
 down to two butts a day."
 

Top
Subj:     Rabbi, Lawyer, And Priest On A Ship (S276)
          From: KMACINTY on 5/15/2002
 A rabbi, a lawyer and a priest are all on the same ship.
 The ship hits a reef, and begins to rapidly take on
 water. It's obvious it's going to sink.  As the life-
 boats are readied, the rabbi shouts out "Women and
 children first!"

 The lawyer yells, "Screw the children!"

 And the priest says "Do you think we have time?"
 

Top
Subj:     Seducing Priests (S254)
          From: jerry on 12/10/2001
 Women in Malawi are being warned by the Members of the
 Catholic Women's Association not to try to seduce priests.
 Too many apparently wear stilettos and a lot of make-up to
 church and even funerals to try get priests to break their
 vows of celibacy.

 Ananova 1-Dec-01
 

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Subj:     Man Confesses To Sex W/Five Women (S198)
          From: Joke-of-the-Day on 11/16/2000
 Steve went to confession, and told the priest that he had
 been with 5 different women the night before, each one
 another man's fiancee or wife.

 The priest told our man Steve to go home and squeeze 3 lemons
 and 2 limes into a cup of water and drink it.

 Steve asked the priest if that would give him absolution.

 The priest replied, "No, but it should wipe that smirky grin
 off your face!"
 

 A priest, a Rabbi, and a lawyer are all on a boat that starts
 to sink.  The rabbi yells, "Save the children!"  The lawyer
 yells, "F*ck the children!"  The priest says, "Do you think
 we have time?"

 Three nuns were talking one day.  The first one said "I found
 a condom in the priest's office."  The second one said " I
 cut a hole in it."  The third one fainted.

 Sitting on a train with a young curate, the Bishop was
 attempting to do the Times crossword.
 "Three across," he said out loud.  "Exclusively female,
 four letters, ends in U-N-T."
 "That would be 'Aunt,'" suggested the curate.
 "So it would," said the Bishop.  "Have you an eraser by
 any chance?"

 Remember, priests do more than lay people.

 Is a priest who dresses up for a costume party a blessing
 in disguise?

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #178
 A priest and a rabbi are waling down the street and see a
 small boy eating an ice cream.
 The priest says, "How'd you like to fuck that?"
 To which the rabbi replied, "Out of what?"

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #223 on 98-01-17
 "Father Reilly," the mother superior reported, "I just
 thought you should know that there's a case of syphilis
 in the convent."

 "Oh, good," the priest replied. "I was really getting
  tired of the Chablis."

From: LABLaughs.com on 10/25/2002 (S299b)
 The average person thinks he isn't.
   -- Father Larry Lorenzoni
 

 Q: "Should I boil the new missionary?" asked the cannibal?
 A: "No" replied the chief, "He's a friar."

 Q: Why did the Catholic priest get in so much trouble?
 A: Every afternoon he'd invite an alter boy in for
    organ practice.

 Q: Why did the priest get aids?
 A: He didn't wash his organ between hims.

 Q: What do a priest and a christmas tree have in common?
 A: The balls are just for decoration.

 Q: What fun does a priest have?
 A: NUN!

 Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
 A: Dress her up as an altar boy!

 Q: What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?
 A: A pimple doesn't come on your face until you're fourteen.

 Q: What did the bishop do when the priest admitted
    his homosexuality?
 A: He defrocked him.

 Q: How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
 A: They both have ornamental balls.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #263 on 98-08-01
 Q: What's the difference between acne and
    a Catholic Priest?
 A: Acne doesn't come on a kid's face until around 13 or
    14 years of age

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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..........................From Smiliemania.da
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