Subj:     Heaven1 Jokes
                 (Includes 25 jokes and articles, 30972n,3,cf,wXT2c,0)

Angel from
Includes the following:  Mother Goose And Grimm Cartoon (S767)
.........................The Pearly Gates And Hoodies (S799)
.........................Heaven's Door - Poem (S527b)
.........................Heard From The Coffin (S145, S568b)
.........................Two Lines To Heaven for Men (S63, S635)
.........................Three Nurses Go To Heaven, One is a HMO (S312b, S502b)
.........................Henry Ford Goes To Heaven (S80, S528b)
.........................Forrest Gump Goes To Heaven (S26, S452)
.........................Forest Gump in Heaven Vers. II
.........................Three Religious Couples Go To Heaven (S07, S697b)
.........................All About Heaven - Picture (S401b)
.........................Three Men At The Pearly Gates (S89, S428)
.........................Three Men Die On Christmas (S305, S778)
.........................Three Men At The Pearly Gates III (S315)
.........................Three Men At The Pearly Gates IV (S378b)
.........................Three Men And Cindy Crawford At The Pearly Gates
.........................Einstein Dies And Goes To Heaven (S312)
.........................The Hero Goes To Heaven (S131A, S657b)
.........................Elderly Couple Goes To Heaven (S517b)
.........................Three Girls And The Keys To Heaven (S302)
.........................Ronald Reagan Goes To Heaven
.........................Bill, Hillary, And Al Go To Heaven (S279b)
.........................New Yorkers Goes To Heaven
.........................A Texan Dies And Goes To Heaven (S308)
.........................As I Sit In Heaven Poem - Photo (DU)

Also see ANIMALS-SUPP2- 'Best Friends'
         BASEBALL-SUPP- 'Two Baseball Buddies And Heaven'
         BLONDE1 file - 'Blond Dies And Goes To Heaven'
         CABDRIVER    - 'Minister And Cabbie Die And Go To Heaven'
         CANADIAN     - 'American, Scot And Canadian Die'
         CATHOLIC     - 'Heaven, Be Quiet Passing Room 8'
......................- 'A Question For Mary'
......................- 'Clinton And The Pope Die On The Same Day'
         CHURCH file  - 'How to Get Into Heaven'
......................- 'The Golden Telephone To Heaven'
         COMPUTERS2   - 'Little Boy's Father Dies'
         CONTRACTOR   - 'The Parable Of The Good Contractor'
         COWBOY2 file - 'Cowboy Poetry'
         FAMOUS-GATES - 'Bill Gates Dies And Goes To Heaven'
......................- 'Bill Gates Dies And Meets God'
.........GOD1 file    -  (See whole file)
         GOD2 file    - 'Mother Teresa And God'
......................- 'God's Voice Mail'
         GOLF1 file   - 'Golfer Dies And Goes To Heaven'
         HELL file    - 'Pope, Graham And Roberts Die'
......................- 'Consultant Picks Between Heaven And Hell'
......................- 'Heaven Is Hotter Than Hell'
......................- 'Engineer Goes To Hell'
......................- 'Twin Brothers Die'
         HORSE file   - 'Zebra Goes To Heaven'
         LAWYER2 file - 'Lawyer Goes To Heaven'
......................- 'Another Lawyer Goes To Heaven'
......................- 'New York Lawyer Goes To Heaven'
         MAILMAN-ETC  - 'Doggie Heaven'
.........MATH5 file   - 'Frank And Ernest Cartoon'
         NATIVES file - 'Picking Fruit'
         NUNS1 file   - 'Three Nuns Go To Heaven And Are Tested'
......................- 'Bus Full Of Nuns Goes To Heaven'
         POLITICAL2   - 'Clinton, Gore, And Bush Died'
         POPE file    - 'The Pope And A Lawyer Enter Heaven'
         PREACHER     - 'Oral Roberts Dies And Meets Everyone'
         PRIEST1 file - 'Two Priests At The Pearly Gate'
         QUOT-COMED-S2- 'Father Guido Sarducci's Life Is A Job' - Video
         SCHOOL3 file - 'Man Dies And Goes To Heaven'
         SHIT file    - 'Randall McIlwaine Cartoon'
         TAXES file   - 'Going To Heaven After Cheating On Your Taxes'
         Tear Jerker2 - 'My First Christmas In Heaven'
Subj:     Mother Goose And Grimm (S767)
          By Mike Peters on 9/22/2011
 Source: http://www.grimmy.com/comics.php
Subj:     The Pearly Gates And Hoodies (S799)
          From: virv on 5/3/2012
 Source: http://www.yellowbullet.com/forum/showthread.php?t=466742

 Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys
 wearing hoodies arrived.  St. Peter looked out through the
 Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."

 St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is
 waiting to come in.

 God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you,
 you can't be judgmental here.  This is heaven.  All are
 loved.  All are brothers.  Go back and let them in!"

 St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets
 out a heavy sigh.  He returns to God's chambers and says
 "Well, they're gone."

 "The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

 "No. The Pearly Gates."

Subj:     Heaven's Door - Poem (S527b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 2/8/2007

 I was shocked, confused, bewildered as I
 entered Heaven's door, not by the beauty
 of it all, by the lights or its decor.

 But it was the folks in Heaven who made
 me sputter and gasp--the thieves, the liars,
 the sinners, the alcoholics, the trash.

 There stood the kid from seventh grade
 who swiped my lunch money twice.
 Next to him was my old neighbor who
 never said anything nice.

 Herb, who I always thought was rotting
 away in hell, was sitting pretty on cloud
 nine, looking incredibly well.

 I nudged the angel, "What's the deal? I
 would love to hear your take. How'd all
 these sinners get up here? God must've
 made a mistake.  And why's everyone
 so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue."

 "Hush, child," said he. "They're all in
 shock. No one thought they'd ever
 see you."

Subj:     Heard From The Coffin (S145, S568b)
          From: Tom_Adams on 98-06-15
      and From: PGSP4LIFE on 11/09/1999

 Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an
 orientation.  They are all asked, "When you are in your casket
 and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you
 like to hear them say about you?

 The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was
 a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

 The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonder-
 ful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in
 our children of tomorrow."

 The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK,
 HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

Subj:     Two Lines To Heaven For Men (S63, S635)
          From: thebartend on 98-04-13
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 6/3/2003

 Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.  God comes and
 says "I want the men to make two lines.  One line for the
 men that dominated their women on earth and the other line
 for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I
 want all the women to go with St Peter."

 Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone
 and there are two lines.  The line of the men that were
 dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the
 line of men that dominated their women, there was only
 one man.

 God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of your-
 selves.  I created you in my image and you were all
 whipped by your mates.  Look at the only one of my sons
 that stood up and made me proud.  Learn from him!  Tell
 them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in
 this line?

 The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand

Subj:     Three Nurses Go To Heaven, One is A HMO (S312b, S502b)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #37 on 98-02-07
      and From: drgolfmd on 9/6/2006

 Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their
 turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the
 pearly gates.

 The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room.
 We tried our best to help patients, but occasionally
 we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven."

 St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

 The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room.
 It's a very high stress environment and we do our best.
 Sometimes the patient is too sick and we lose them, but
 overall we try very hard."

 St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

 The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."

 St. Peter looks at her file.  He pulls out a calculator
 and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly
 going back to the nurse's file.  After a few minutes
 St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations!
 You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"

 [Editor's note:  The HMO executive never made it to
 heaven -- he spent eternity trying to get through Hell's
 voice mail system to dispute a claim.

Subj:     Henry Ford Goes To Heaven (S80, 528b)
          From: RFSlick on 98-08-03
      and From: gordonschuk on 2/28/2007

 Henry Ford went to Heaven upon his death and was given a
 warm welcome at the pearly gates.  St. Peter, after
 completing the formalities, asked him how he would like
 to spend his time. Ford, the great inventor, asked to
 see some of the inventors before him.  St. Peters printed
 out the list of all the inventors currently (doing time)
 in heaven.

 As Ford started to go through the list, he came across
 the name Adam.  He queried if it was the same guy who
 discovered Eve, the woman.  St. Peters confirmed that
 indeed Adam was the man credited with the invention of
 women.  Ford requested an audience with Adam, as he had
 a few things to straighten out with him.

 When the scheduled meeting took place, Ford was all over
 Adam, attacking him for the flaws in his invention.

 "Your invention is the most stupid work of engineering I
 ever saw.  There is too much of front end protrusion, the
 rear end wobbles too much, it chatters at high speeds and
 the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

 Obviously, Adam doesn't like it too much.  He thinks for
 a while and then leads Henry Ford to the Celestial Computer.
 He works with the enormous databanks and in a few minutes
 there is beeps and all that, and out come a few charts and

 "Look here, Mr. Ford.  Despite all the flaws you pointed
 out, data shows that there are more men riding my product
 than yours."

Subj:     Forrest Gump Goes To Heaven (S26, S452)
          From: Max Weinstein on 11/30/96
      and From: LABLaughsClean on 9/15/2005

 The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
 He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However,
 the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

 St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see
 you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though,
 that the place is filling up fast, and we've been
 administering an entrance examination for everyone. The
 test is short, but you have to pass it before you can
 get into Heaven."

 Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter,
 sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor
 hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as
 it was."

 St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is
 only three questions.

 First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

 Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

 Third: What is God's first name?"

 Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns
 the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and
 says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the
 questions over, tell me your answers."

 Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in
 the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's
 easy. That'd! be Today and Tomorrow. The Saint's eyes
 open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I
 was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I
 didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer.
 How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.

 "How many seconds in a year?"

 "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and
 thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be

 Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest,
 how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve
 seconds in a year?"

 Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd,
 February 2nd, March 2nd. . ..."

 "Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're
 going with this,and I see your point, though that wasn't
 quite what I had in mind....but I'll have to give you
 credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and
 final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

 "Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."

 "Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter.
 "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to
 my first two questions,but just how in the world did you
 come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

 "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.
 "I learnt it from the song. . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS

 St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."

Subj:     Forest Gump In Heaven (different third answer)
          From: ArmaDillow on 97-09-11

 The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
 He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself.  The
 gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

 Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see
 you.  We have heard a lot about you.  I must inform you that
 the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an
 entrance examination for everyone.  The tests are fairly short,
 but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

 Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I
 was looking forward to this.  Nobody ever told me about any
 entrance exams.  Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was
 a big enough test as it was."

 Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest.  But, the test I
 have for you is only three questions.  Here is the first: What
 days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?  Second, how many
 seconds are there in a year?  Third, what is God's first name?"

 Forest goes away to think the questions over.  He returns the
 next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam

 Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a
 chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

 Forest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week
 begin with the letter 'T'?  Shucks, that one's easy; that'd
 be Today and Tomorrow!"

 The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's
 not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though,
 and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that

 "How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds
 in a year?"

 "Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk
 about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

 Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve!  Twelve!  Forest, how
 in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a

 Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second,
 February second, March second....."

 "Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going
 with it.  And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't
 quite what I had in mind.  I'll give you credit for that one

 "Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint
 Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"

 Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name.  Everbody
 probly knows it.  It's Howard."

 "Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's

 Forest answers, "It's in the prayer."

 "The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"

 "The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, who art
 in heaven, Howard be thy name...."

Subj:     Three Religious Couples Go To Heaven (S07, S697b)

 There were three couples, one of Jewish faith, one of
 Catholic faith and one of Protestant faith.  The entire
 group was returning, by plane from an inter-faith conference
 when their plain crashed.  Well, low and behoold, each
 couple found themselves at the Pearly gates facing St. Peter.

 St. Peter asked the Jewish man, "Sir is it true you loved
 money so much that you married a women named 'Penny'?'"
 And when the Jewish man answered yes, he and his wife named
 Penny where told to go on down to hell.  They'd be better
 suited there.  They next couple to come before St. Peter was
 the Catholic couple.  St Peter said," Is it true, sir, that
 you love alcohol so much that you married a woman named
 Sherry?  And when the Catholic man had answered yes, St.
 Peter told him to go on down to hell.  He and his drink-
 loving wife would be better suited down there.  Well about
 this time, the Protestant man grabbed his wife's and said,
 "Come on, Fanny, it's no need for us to even go up there."

Subj:     All About Heaven (S401b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 8/9/2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
Subj:     Three Men At The Pearly Gates (S89, S428b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 4/11/2005

 Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
 Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter
 had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close
 to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who
 have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

 The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my
 wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to
 try to catch her red-handed.  As I came into my 25th floor
 apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my
 searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could
 have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and
 sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25
 floors above ground!  By now I was really mad, so I started
 beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it,
 he wouldn't fall off. Finally I went back into my apartment
 and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.  Of
 course, he couldn't holf on for long, so he let go and fell,
 but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned
 but okay.  I couldn't stand it, so I ran into the kitchen,
 grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed
 on him, killing him instantly.  All the stress and anger got
 to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

 "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let
 the man in.

 The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven
 being full, and again asks for his story.  "It's been a very
 strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment
 building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.
 Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I
 fell over the edge. I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
 balcony on the floor below me.  I knew I couldn't hang on for
 very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.
 I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me
 and kicking me.  I held on the best I could until he ran into
 the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my
 hands. Finally I just let go.  Again I got lucky and fell
 into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was
 thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling
 out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

 Once again, Peter had to concede that it sounded like a pretty
 horrible death.

 The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
 process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and
 asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm
 hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Subj:     Three Men Die On Christmas (S305, S778)
          From: thebartend on 12/2/2002
      and From: ginafm on 12/8/2011

 'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must
 each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into

 The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled
 out a lighter.  He flicked it on, 'It represents a candle',
 he said.

 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

 The man from Wales reached into his pocket and pulled out
 a set of keys.  He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

 Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

 The Irishman started searching desperately through his
 pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

 St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
 'And just what do those symbolize?'

 The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

Subj:     Three Men At The Pearly Gates III (S315)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 1/10/2003

 (Also see 'Being Asked About Salary At The Pearly Gates' in HEAVEN2)

 A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at
 the Pearly Gates.  The Angel explains that admission
 requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum
 landlords and con artists have managed to slip into
 Heaven without being detected.

 He queries the first candidate: "What was your annual
 salary, and what was your profession?

 "I made $150,000 as an Attorney" comes the reply. "You
 may enter" says the Angel.

 Second candidate, same question. "I made $95,000, I was
 a realtor."  He is also permitted to enter.  Now it is
 the third man's turn.

 "My annual salary was $8,000." "Cool!" replies the Angel,
 "and what instrument did you play?"

Subj:     Three Men At The Pearly Gates IV (S378b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 2/07/2004

 Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were
 out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

 Before anyone knew, the three men found themselves standing
 before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the
 Devil were standing nearby.

 Gentlemen," the Devil started, "due to the fact that Heaven
 is now overcrowded, St Peter has agreed to limit the number
 of people entering Heaven.

 If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or
 cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; If
 not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

 The philosopher then ste pped up and said, "OK, give me the
 most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings".

 With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to
 the Devil.  The philosopher read it and concluded it was
 correct.  "Then, go to Hell!"  With another snap of his
 finger, the philosopher disappeared.

 The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated
 formula you can ever think of!"  With a snap of his finger,
 another stack of paper appeared.  The mathematician read it
 and reluctantly agreed it was correct.  "Then, go to Hell!"
 With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared

 The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"

 The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."

 The Devil did just that.

 The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
 Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

 The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from
 the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, " it's from my asshole."

 The idiot went to Heaven.

Subj:     Three Men And Cindy Crawford At The Pearly Gates

 (Also see 'Don't Hit The Duck' in HEAVEN2
   and see 'Three Guys In Hell' in HELL
   and see 'Going To Heaven After Cheating On Your Taxes' in TAXES)

 Manlo, Peter, and Anthony went for a ride in the country.  These
 guys got into an accident and ended up at the pearly gates of
 Heaven.  God told Anthony to go to Room No: 1.  The three
 being buddies, so, they all went with Anthony into Room No: 1.
 In there, they saw a beast that is half man and half woman.
 God said to Anthony, " Since you have been bad, you have to
 make love to this creature for 2 years before you get to go
 to Heaven."

 Manlo and Peter then left Anthony and went back to the gates
 of Heaven.  God said again," Peter, go to Room No:2."  Peter
 and Manlo went to Room No: 2 and in there they found a beast
 that is half woman and half dog.  God said to Peter, "Since
 you have also been quite bad, you have to make love to this
 beast for 4 years before you can go to Heaven."  Manlo quietly
 left Peter and tiptoed back to the gates of Heaven and waited.

 God said to Manlo, "Manlo, go to Room No:3."  Manlo went to
 Room No: 3 and found Cindy Crawford in the same room.  Manlo
 was excited now after seeing the "punishments" that Peter and
 Anthony got.  God then said to Cindy Crawford, "Since you
 have been really, really bad, you have to make love to this
 thing for 6 years!!!"

Subj:     Einstein Dies And Goes To Heaven (S312)
          From: szalay on 1/23/2003

 Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that
 his room is not yet ready.  "I hope you will not mind
 waiting in a dormitory.  We are very sorry, but it's the
 best we can do and you will have to share the room with
 others." he is told by the doorman (say his name is Pete).

 Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that
 there is no need to make such a great fuss.  So Pete
 leads him to the dorm.  They enter and Albert is intro-
 duced to all of the  present inhabitants.  "See, Here
 is your first room mate.  He has an IQ of 180!"

 "Why that's wonderful!"  Says Albert.  "We can discuss

 "And here is your second room mate.  His IQ is 150!"

 "Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert.  "We can discuss

 "And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"

 "That Wonderful!  We can discuss the latest plays at
  the theater!"

 Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's
 hand and shake it.  "I'm your last room mate and I'm
 sorry, but my IQ is only 80."

 Albert smiles back at him and says, "How 'bout them

Subj:     The Hero Goes To Heaven (S131A, S657b)
          From: V-lewis on 97-04-29
      and From: allenbergman on 8/5/2009

 A guy is at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted, while
 St. Peter is leafin' through the Big Book to see if the guy
 is worthy of entering.  Saint Peter goes through the books
 several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You
 know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your
 life but, you never did anything bad either.  Tell you what,
 if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in
 your life, you're in."

 The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this
 one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a
 giant biker gang assaulting this poor girl.  I slowed down
 my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they
 were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.  Infuriated, I
 get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and
 walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy
 with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his
 nose to his ear.  As I walked up to the leader, the Gang
 formed a circle around me.

 So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over
 the head with the tire iron.  Then I turned around and yell
 to the rest of them, "Leave this poor, innocent girl alone!
 You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals!  Go home
 before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

 Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? I can't seem to find
 this in your file.  When did this happen?"

 "About two minutes ago..."

Subj:     Elderly Couple Goes To Heaven (517b)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #187
      and From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 12/10/2006

 This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60
 years, had died in a car crash.  They had been in good
 health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in
 health food, and exercise.

 When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them
 to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful
 kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

 As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much
 all this was going to cost.

 "It's free, " Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

 Next they went out back to survey the championship golf
 course that the home backed up to.  They would have
 golfing privileges everyday and each week the course
 changed to a new one representing the great golf courses
 on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?"

 Peter's reply, "This is Heaven, you play for free."

 Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet
 lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

 "How much to eat?" asked the old man.

 "Don't you understand yet?  This is Heaven, it is free!"
 Peter replied with some exasperation.

 "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?"
 the old man asked timidly.

 Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as
 much as you like of whatever you like and you never get
 fat and you never get sick.  This is Heaven."

 With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing
 down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

 Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking
 him what was wrong.

 The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all
 your fault.  If it weren't for your fucking bran muffins,
 I could have been here ten years ago!"

Subj:     Three Girls And The Keys To Heaven (S302)
          From: TheBartend on 97-08-28 and 11/14/2002

 Three girls died and was brought to the gates of heaven.
 Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and
 his obedient angel.  St. Peter asked the girls, "Before
 entering you must answer this simple question."

 "Which is ...?", they replied in unison.

 "Have you been a good girl ?", he asked the first girl.

 "Oh yes", she said.   "I was a virgin before I got married
 and was still virgin even after I got married."

 "Very good", said St. Peter.   "Angel, give this girl...
 the golden key."

 "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.

 "Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got
 married but was not after I got married."

 "Very good", said St. Peter.   "Angel, give this girl...
 the silver key."

 "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.

 "Oh no, not at all", she said.   "I practically have sex
 with every guy I met before and after I got married.
 Anywhere, anytime".

 "Very good", said St. Peter.   "Angel, give this girl....
 my room key."

Subj:     Ronald Reagan Goes To Heaven
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #213 on 97-10-02

 After a long and vigorous life, Ronald Reagan dies.  He
 appears at the pearly gates of heaven.  As Reagan
 approaches, St. Peter looks up his name in the Book of
 Life--and behold, it is there.  There is an annotation,
 however.  St. Peter explains to Reagan that he may enter,
 but that he must spend a year in penance if he is to enjoy
 the full rewards of heaven.  His penance will consist of
 a year in a room with Atilla the Hun.  Reagan thinks this
 over for about ten minutes, after which he decides that a
 year is nothing compared with eternity and accepts his
 penance.  St. Peter guides him down a long hall in their
 "Short-Term Penance" section, and shows Reagan to his room,
 where he can see Atilla waiting for him.  He looks around,
 and on the other side of the hall he sees Bob Dole in a
 room with BO DEREK!

 Before Peter can close the door Reagan grabs him and says.
 "Hey, this isn't very fair!  That person over there wasn't
 all that much better on earth than I was."  St. Peter
 shrugs him off and says:  "Bo Derek's penance is none of
 your business."

Subj:     Bill, Hillary, And Al Go To Heaven (S279b)
          From: DR SWITZER on 97-11-09

 Bill, Hillary, and Al were  in an airplane that crashed.
 They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great
 white throne. God addresses Al first: "Al, what do you
 believe in?"

 Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine
 is evil  and that we need to save the world from CFCs
 and that if any more  freon is used, the whole earth
 will become a greenhouse and we'll  all die."

 God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with
 that. Come and sit at my left."  God then addresses Bill.
 "Bill, what do you believe in?"

 Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I
 think  people should be able to make their own choices
 about things and  that no one should ever be able to tell
 someone else what to do.  I also believe in feeling
 people's pain."

 God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good.
 Come and sit at my right."  God then addressed Hillary.
 "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

 "I believe you're in my chair."

Subj:     New Yorkers Goes To Heaven
          From: The Bartenders Joke of the day on 05 Nov 97

 St Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates one day when a
 group of New Yorkers walked up.  The New Yorkers asked if
 they could come in.  St Peter said "Well, I dont know, we
 have never had a New Yorker here before, let me run back
 and check with the boss"

 St Peter walks up to God and says "We have a group of New
 Yorkers at the Pearly Gates that want to come in, we have
 never had any before, is it OK?"

 God looks at him and said "Sure, let them in!  Welcome
 them with open arms"

 A couple of minutes later St Peter comes running back to
 God,  yelling "They are Gone, they are GONE!!"

 God says "What?  Where did the New Yorkers go?"

 St Peter says "No, the pearly gates are gone!"

Subj:     A Texan Dies And Goes To Heaven (S308)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #9 on 98-01-10
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 12/26/2002

 A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at
 the Pearly Gates.

 "Show me what you got, Pete," said Tex. St. Peter swung
 open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of
 mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the

 "We've got that in Texas.  We call it King Ranch" said
 Tex.  St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and
 children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches,
 swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc.

 "We've got that, too.  We call it Six Flags."

 Whereupon. St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires
 of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a
 solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area.  The
 blinding light and heat were enormous.

 "We don't have that," said Tex, "but we've got a guy in
 Houston who can put it out."

Subj:     As I Sit In Heaven Poem (DU)
          From: Donna Suddeth on Facebook on 8/30/2015
 Source: http://www.firstcovers.com/userquotes/84741/as+i+sit+in+heaven,.html
                           -(o o)-
..............................Smiley the Angle from Smiley_Central.