Subj:     Religion1 Jokes
                 (Includes 22 jokes and articles, 09 1013n,12,cf,wXT2a3,5)

Uplifter Hands from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  B.C. Sunday Comic Strip (S622)
.........................President Reagan On The Bible And Prayer - Video (S835)
.........................Rich Kid Buys A Ferrari (DU)
.........................The Stethoscope - Video (S765)
.........................Bible Study Group (S568c)
.........................Muslim Demographics - Video (S672)
.........................Man Wants To Jump Off The Bridge (DU)
.........................II Divo sings "Amazing Grace" - Video/Song (S621c)
.........................Cell Phone Vs. The Bible (S531c)
.........................Zig Zaggy - Political Cartoon (S727)
.........................Having Faith In The Lottery (DU)
.........................Tyler Perry Speaking At Points of Light - Video (S916)
.........................The Church At Pierce Creed (S81, DU)
.........................Pearls Before Swine Comic Strip (S995)
.........................Religious Man And The Atheist Neighbor (SDU)
.........................And We Pray (S498c)
.........................Top 15 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife (DU)
.........................Mother Goose Comic Strip (S605b)
.........................Wauism - The Religion For You (DU)
.........................Agnes Comic Strip (DU)
.........................Religious Shit
.........................PMS In The Bible (S187)
.........................A Prayer For Our Soldiers (S548c)

Also see ARAB file    - '15 Schoolgirls Die In Blaze'
         ASCII ART I  - 'Angle'
         ASCII ART III- 'An Angel'
         ASIA file    - 'Buddhist Monk Buys A Hot-Dog'
......................- 'Hindu Women's Red Spot'
         ARTIST file  - 'Painting The Last Supper'
......................- 'Man And His Son Collected Art'
         BAR2 file    - 'Non Sequitur Cartoon'
         BEAR file    - 'The Atheist And The Bear'
         BIRD-PARROT  - 'Parrot Named Moses And The Burglar'
         BLACK2 file  - 'Jesse Jackson Turns White'
         BODY PARTS   - 'Senility Prayer'
         BOXING file  - 'Muhammad Ali On Black And White' - Video
         BREAST file  - 'Husband Buys Bra For Wife'
         BROTHERS file- 'Two Brothers Fight'
         BUMPER STCKRS- 'Christian Bumper Stickers'
         CARS2 file   - 'An Auto Mechanic And His Dog Mace'
         CARS3 file   - 'Woman w/Sick Kid Locks Keys In Car'
         CARS-SUPP    - 'Boy Wants To Drive The Family Car'
         CATHOLIC file- 'Mother Teresa's Favorites'
         CHRISTMAS1   - 'Christmas Mistake'
         CHURCH file  - 'How to Get Into Heaven'
......................- 'The Bible According To Kids'
......................- 'Learned From Noah And The Ark'
         CHURCH-SUPP2 - 'Praying For 'Special Needs''
         COLLEGE2     - 'If College Students Wrote The Bible...:'
         COMPUTER4    - 'Computer Prayer'
......................- 'The Computer Prayer II'
         DATING3 file - 'Bringing Home The Fiance'
         DIFFERENCES2 - 'Girl's/Boy's Prayers'
         DOG2 file    - 'Fundamentalist Couple Buy A Dog'
         DOG-SUPP     - 'GoD And DoG by Wendy J Francisco' - Video
         ELDERLY3     - 'The Senility Prayer And Discoveries'
         FARNER1 file - 'Rabbi, Hindu, And Lawyer At Farm House'
         FOOD_ETC2    - 'Who Should Brew The Coffee?'
         FOOD_ETC-SUP2- 'All Men Should Make Coffee For Their Women' - Photo
......................- 'Shoe Comic Strip'
         GOD1 file    - 'God Quotation'
         HANDICAPPED  - 'Blind Kid Prays For Sight'
         HEAD/ADS-SUPP- 'Dirt Devil - The Exorcist' - Video
         HEAVEN1 file - 'Three Religious Couples Go To Heaven'
         HELL file    - 'Heaven is Hotter than Hell'
         HUNTING-CMPNG- 'Three Hunters Caught In A Snowstorm'
......................- 'Hunter And Bear Pray'
         JESUS file   - 'Honk If You Love Jesus'
         JEWISH-RABBI - 'Converting a Bear'
......................- 'Sex...Work Or Play?'
......................- 'Priest, Vicar And Rabbi Discuss The Offering'
         JOBS3 file   - 'Office Prayer:'
.........KIDS3 file   - 'Bible Fun'
         MIDDLE_EAST  - 'Iraq In The Bible'
         OTHER-OCCUP  - 'Photographer's Test In Florida'
         PLANE file   - 'Nervous Passenger Carries A Bible'
.........POLIT-BUSH   - 'President Bush Meets Moses'
         PREACHER file- 'Invocation In The Kansas Senate'
......................- 'Elderly Man Looses His Hat'
         PRIEST1 file - 'Bob Hope's Wife And The Priests'
         QUO-COMD-SUP2- 'Mary Maxwell Gives A Funny Invocation Prayer' - Video
         REDNECK-SUPP - 'Uncle And Nephew Say Prayers Before Bed'
         RIDDLE-SUPP  - 'Who Am I Riddle #4'
         SCHOOL3 file - 'New School Prayer'
         SCHOOL-SUPP  - 'Neighbor Follows Tim To School'
         SCIENCE1     - 'Non Sequitur Cartoon'
         SHIPS file   - 'Replica of Noah's Ark'
......................- 'If Noah Built The Ark Today....'
         TAXES file   - 'Man Goes To Priest With Business Problems'
         THANKSGV-SUPP- 'A Thanksgiving Prayer'
         THOUGHTS-KIDS- 'Ice Cream-Good For The Soul'
         THOUGHTS-LRN2- 'Deep Thoughts'
         THO-TIME-SUPP- 'Thousands Expect Apocalypse in 2012'

Subj:     B.C. Sunday Comic Strip (S622) 
          by Johnny Hart on 12/7/2008
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/bc/2008/12/07
Subj:     President Reagan On The Bible And Prayer (S835d)
          From: tom on 1/6/2013
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/OvN1jTkzXbY?rel=0

 Ronald Reagan's church put this video together to commemorate
 the birthday of Ronald Reagan.  Click 'HERE' to learn about
 Reagan's faith in Christ.

Subj:     Rich Kid Buys A Ferrari (DU)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/14/98

 The classic spoiled rich kid (prodigal son) at 17 tells
 his Dad he's leaving, he never wants to communicate with
 them again, and could he please have his inheritance now.
 Reluctantly, the father complies.

 The son immediately goes out and buys a Ferrari F-40.

 Perhaps feeling a little bad karma coming on, the son decides
 to swing by he church and have his family's Baptist preacher
 bless the car before departing.

 He explains to the preacher his request, and the preacher
 looks a little puzzled and asks "You say its an Italian what?
 What's a turbocharger?"

 Annoyed, the son zooms away and pulls into a Catholic church,
 hoping the priest might say a blessing or sprinkle a little
 holy water on the radiator. Puzzled, the priest says "What
 is a Ferrari my son?"

 Annoyed again, the son zooms over to the Unitarian church.
 The minister comes out and greets the son, and says "Fucking
 Awesome! Ferrari F-40, with digital fuel injection, 12
 cylinder quad turbocharged motor and a Getrag 6 speed
 gearbox.  What's a blessing?

Subj:     The Stethoscope (S765d)
          From: hilary.miller05 on 9/7/2011
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/bYI_aOyCn9Y
 Source2: http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/stethoscope.html

 A man finds a stethoscope with unusual powers.  He discovers
 what soundtrack is playing inside him.  Produced by the
 Southern Hills Church of Christ in Abilene, TX.  Click
 'HERE' to see this very well done Christian video.

Subj:     Bible Study Group (S568c)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/8/98
 (See "Man Given Six Months To Live" in Doctor-Supp)

 A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen
 possibility of their sudden death.  The leader of the
 discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none
 of us really know when, but if we did we would all do
 a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable

 "Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this

 Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if
 you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before
 your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"

 A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and
 minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted
 the Lord into their lives."

 "Very good!", said the group leader, and all the group
 members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

 One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would
 dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my
 family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater

 "That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all
 the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing
 to do.

 One gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and
 said, "I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the
 4 weeks."

 Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader
 ask, "Why you mother-in-laws home?"

 The gentleman smiled sarcastically and replied, "Because,
 that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!"

Subj:     Muslim Demographics (S672d in Nat-Supp)
          From: tom on 11/18/2009
 Source1: http://d.yimg.com/kq/groups/15020411
 Source2: http://www.snopes.com/politics/religion/demographics.asp

 Click 'HERE' to see this video on Muslim population growth
 around the world.

 Snopes.com at Source2 has declared that the video is
 "Mostly False" because of such things as the following:
It's true that in recent years population growth
in EU countries has been primarily driven by
immigration, which, for example, accounted for
almost 85% of the population growth in EU countries
in 2005.  However, that statistic includes all
immigrants to EU countries, not just Muslims.
 To me the video shows "Toto, I've a feeling we're not
 in Kansas any more.."

Subj:     Man Wants To Jump Off The Bridge (DU)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/14/98

 I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man
    standing on the edge, about to jump off.  So I ran
    over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

 He said "Why shouldn't I?".
 I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

 He said, "Like what?"
 I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?"

 He said, "Religious."
 I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

 He said, "Christian."
 I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or Protestant?"

 He said, "Protestant."
 I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

 He said, "Baptist!"
 I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist church of god
    or Baptist church of the lord?"

 He said, "Baptist church of god!"
 I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist church of god,
    or are you reformed Baptist church of god?"

 He said, "Reformed Baptist church of god!"
 I said, "Me too! Are you reformed Baptist church of god,
    reformation of 1879, or reformed Baptist church of god,
    reformation of 1915?"

 He said, "Reformed Baptist church of god, reformation
    of 1915!"
 I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off

Subj:     II Divo sings "Amazing Grace"
          From: tom on 12/3/2008 (S621c,d)
Photo from StarPulse.com...
 Source http://www.youtube.com/embed/GYMLMj-SibU

 II Divo puts a fresh face on popular songs, utilizing their
 exceptional voices, good looks, and cultural diversity to
 bring their romantic blend of classical and pop music to
 audiences around the world.  Formed after a two-year search,
 the quartet is comprised of American tenor David Miller,
 popular French singer S?bastien Izambard, Swiss tenor Urs
 Buhler, and Spanish baritone Carlos Marin.  Their eponymous
 debut album was released in April of 2005 and featured a
 diverse play list that included a cover of the Toni Braxton
 hit "Unbreak My Heart" and the Frank Sinatra standard "My Way."
 It became a massive worldwide hit.  Amazing Grace demonstrates
 their great singing ability.

 You can hear II Divo sing Amazing Grace by clicking 'HERE'.

 II Divo's description from StarPulse.com.

Subj:     Cell Phone Vs. The Bible (S531c)
          From: RDOBRY on 3/21/2007

 I wonder what would happen, if we treated our Bible, like
 we treat our cell phone?
 * What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
 * What if we flipped through it several time a day?
 * What if we turned back to go get it, if we forgot it?
 * What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
 * What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?
 * What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
 * What if we used it when we traveled?
 * What if we used it in case of emergency?

 This is something to make you go "hmmm...where is my Bible?"

 Oh, and one more thing.  Unlike our cell phone, we don't
 have to worry about our Bible being disconnected...because
 Jesus already paid the bill!

 Makes you stop and think "where are my priorities?"
 And, NO dropped calls!

Subj:     Zig Zaggy (S727)
          By Ward Sutton, From: Tea Party Comics
          in Funny Times on November 2010
 Source: http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/editorial

 The newspaper comics page: some find it to be innocuous,
 even at times irrelevant.  But there's a growing concern
 among a certain segment of the country that the comics
 page is out of step with mainstream values, if not an
 outright cesspool of treasonous, pinko propaganda.  So
 in the interest of fairness and balance we present comics
 reinvented by Tea Party cartoonists Joe Smith and Ward
Subj:     Having Faith In The Lottery (DU)
          From: kate289 on 5/25/99

 Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the
 brand-new truck  and lost.  This year, he told his friend David,
 he wasn't going to bother and enter.

 "What kind of attitude is that?"  David asked.  He leaned closer
 and whispered, "What you need, pal, is FAITH.  Look around and see
 if the good Lord sends you a message."

 Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as
 the drawing  neared.  Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration,
 no sign from God.  Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's
 pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down.  She
 wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow.
 Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and - without
 her even knowing it - used her ass as a tablet.  The fiery finger
 etched a seven on each cheek.

 Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number
 77.  A few minutes later, the drawing was held.  And once again,
 Paul lost: the winning number was 707.

Subj:     Tyler Perry Speaking At Points of Light (S916d)
          Posted by Points of Light
          From: Tyler Perry on Facebook
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/rIblCMm1PQ8
 Source2: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10152784509868268

 Entertainer Tyler Perry addressed Points of Light's Conference
 on Volunteering and Service, June 16-18 2014 in Atlanta.  Click
 'HERE' to listen to Tyler's talk about his childhood.

Subj:     The Church At Pierce Creed (S81, DU)
          From: Tom_Adams on 98-08-14

 The following article is NOT A JOKE.  It is interesting
 and disturbing.

 The only church in history to have its federal tax-exempt
 status revoked is a small country church in Vestal, New
 York called The Church at Pierce Creek.  Their crime that
 resulted in that revocation was simply mentioning the name
 of then Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton in an advertisement
 the church placed in USA Today and The Washington Times.

 Colby May, the ACLJ attorney representing the church, told
 The WINDS that the church "ran into trouble with the
 government...soon after the 1992 election" because of the
 "rhetorical question they ask at the very end of the
 newspaper piece...'how can we then vote for Bill Clinton?'

 "Therein lies the thread the government used as reason to
 begin an inquiry into how much money did the church spend
 and how did it come to a decision to run this ad and who
 are the members and who is contributing money to the church
 and to the ad, etc."

 This action seemed amazing to the ACLJ attorneys because of
 a long history in this country of such activity on the part
 of churches.  "Does anybody in America really believe,"
 Colby May asks rhetorically, "that churches are NOT
 entitled to take moral stances on the issues of the day--
 even though it may cross swords with somebody's politically
 correct agenda?  Churches were used to actually raise money
 for Jesse Jackson's campaign--but nothing has ever been done
 to those churches, so you have to ask how come."

 "The IRS claims that we were involved in political activities,"
 says Daniel J. Little, Pastor of The Church at Pierce Creek.
 "Our question is; what is political about condoms to high
 schools?  What is political about abortion?  What is political
 about homosexuality?  These are moral matters and the church
 has always exercised itself in warning people about
 participation in sin and immoralities."

 In order to institute such action, May says, "The government
 must go through a two-step process."  To ask a church the
 kind of questions the IRS is asking, they must first notify
 the church of examination. "Then if they think it is
 warranted, they proceed to the inquiry stage."

 The IRS, May said, then asked for all of the church's
 records on "membership files, contributors' lists and many
 other things which I think they knew all along that they
 were not entitled to--the law is very clear on that."  Does
 it sometimes seem as if the KGB is alive and well--that
 perhaps they have just changed real estate?

 Pastor Little adamantly refused to provide the IRS with the
 requested information--with the exception of how much the
 ads cost and when they were placed.  After their initial
 request and the church's refusal, the IRS, for a long time,
 was very quiet about the matter.  However, just before
 midnight on the day in which the two-year legal deadline
 would have expired permitting the IRS to pursue such an
 inquiry, they initiated final proceedings.  It was then
 that the IRS told the ACLJ attorneys that they really
 didn't need all that information they had requested and
 then summarily "informed the church," May said, "that
 their tax-exempt status was hereby revoked."

 After all of the convoluted legal trails had been trod and
 the endless motions and cross motions were filed, the ACLJ
 then asked for "discovery" - a process whereby the government
 is required to present the evidence of their case against
 the accused in the form of documents, witnesses, etc.,--
 whatever the IRS considers substantial cause for its actions.

 "The government vehemently opposed this, claiming that 'you
 don't have any right to get any information from us.' [Big
 Brother is accountable to no one--especially a small
 country church].

 "We have filed for relief under the Religious Freedom
 Restoration Act [RFRA]," Mr. May said, "demanding that the
 government must show compelling interest in taking whatever
 action it was taking and that there was no other way to
 accomplish that interest and that there was substantial
 evidence to support their position."

 One may recall that piece of legislation--RFRA--as the
 Constitutional Trojan Horse that Congress passed which many
 predict is one of the gravest threats to the First Amendment
 ever enacted."

 Is it not indeed ominous that the religious institutions of
 this nation now find it necessary to appeal to an act of
 legislation for redress of grievance rather than to that
 founding document that so clearly delineates the "guaranteed"
 freedoms of its First Amendment? Is this not their intention?
 --that the nation shall, more and more, look to its present
 leadership rather than the principles upon which it was
 instituted, thus obviating the Bill of Rights?

 When a federal court, according to May, finally ruled that
 the IRS must submit to discovery, "we found out, as we had
 thought, that the government had never before revoked the
 exemption of a church--we're talking about a bona fide,
 brick-and-mortar church--a 501(c)(3) organization.  Not just
 an exempt organization such as an educational group or
 animal protection society, or whatever.  We're talking about
 a real church that marries and buries and has worship
 services and Bible studies and so on.

 "Along with this we found that the government had engaged
 in some very disturbing activity.  They were doing drive-
 bys where surveillance was conducted by the IRS of the
 Church at Pierce Creek to photograph the church building
 and Pastor Little's residence at various times.

 "The excuse the government used was 'Well, we had to know
 exactly where the church was."  Will someone please send
 the IRS a telephone directory and a road map?  It certainly
 must be cheaper than dispatching agents with cameras.  "This
 was ironic," May added, "because discovery also showed that
 they had the tax records of the property" (which, of all
 documents, contains the most precise legal description and
 location of any piece of land), "and a phone listing along
 with the exemption the church had filed almost fifteen years

 "It also turns out that according to IRS investigator notes
 taken during the inquiry, that they had actually begun this
 action due to an editorial in the New York Times questioning
 as to whether running such an ad violates the church's
 political speech restriction clause in their tax-exempt

 "As a result of the Times editorial the IRS included
 pejorative language in their reports, such as 'militant
 right' or 'radical Christian right' to describe the church--
 terms that were never used in the actual New York Times

 "To us this revealed that the government really had an ill
 motive in picking on this church."

 The actions that embroiled The Church at Pierce Creek in its
 battle with the government, the ACLJ claims, could just as
 easily have come from the pulpit or the appearance of some
 politician presenting a "guest sermon."

 The most self-damning statements made by IRS officials, May
 said, were those in which the government lawyers suggested
 that "'if you just had not used the words 'Bill Clinton,'
 if you had just said, 'How can you vote for candidates that
 don't believe like this,' well, maybe, we wouldn't have had
 this problem'"

 If they ever had a valid justification for their action,
 May explained, it certainly could not have been predicated
 on the "mere use of the President's name--especially in the
 context of the history of his moral activities." [ibid.]

 Ironically, the IRS tax code Section 508(c)(1)(A) entitled,
 "Special rules with respect to section 501(c)(3)
 organizations" specifically exempts churches from the
 restrictions enumerated under 501(c)(3).  "Since only in
 501(c)(3) do you have the restrictions about political
 activity," May elaborated, "churches are exempt
 organizations, and don't even have to abide by the
 restrictions of 501(c)(3)."

Subj:     Pearls Before Swine (S995)
          By Stephan Pastis on 2/6/2016
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2016/02/06
Subj:     Religious Man And The Atheist Neighbor (DU)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #258 on 98-07-02

 A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist.
 While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was
 constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the
 atheist never even looked twice at a church.

 However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying
 job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and
 good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and
 his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day
 and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

 So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes
 towards heaven and asked:

 "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for
 every problem and confess to you my every sin.  Yet my
 neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly
 never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I
 go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

 And a great voice was heard from above:


Subj:     And We Pray (S498c)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 8/7/2006
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)

 This very cute picture by clicking 'HERE'.  A Dennis
 the Menace comic strip has also been included.

Subj:     Top 15 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife (DU)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/14/98

  1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home,
     shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new
     clothes.  She's yours.  --(Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

  2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)

  3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by
     watering his flock.  -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

  4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part
     of the deal.  -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

  5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to
     dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
       -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

  6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note:
     this will cost you.  -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

  7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's
     hand in marriage.  Get tricked into marrying the
     wrong woman.  Then work another seven years for the
     woman you wanted to marry in the first place.  That's
     right, fourteen years of toil for a wife.
      -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

  8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's
     enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
       -- David (I Samuel 18:27)

  9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit?
     you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of
     course.)  -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

 10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty
     contest.  -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

 11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your
     parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me."
     If your parents question your decision,  simply say,
     "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
       -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

 12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose
     four sons, though).  -- David (2 Samuel 11)

 13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's
     not just a good idea; it's the law.)  -- Onana and Boaz
     (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

 14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
       -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

 15. A wife?...NOT!  -- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

Subj:     Mother Goose Comic Strip (S605b)
          By Mike Peters on 8/7/2008
.Source: http://www.grimmy.com/comics.php
Subj:     Wauism - The Religion For You (DU)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/11/98

 Dear Friendly Friend:

 How many times have you wanted to fill that yawning
 spiritual void in your life but just weren't able to
 find the time or the energy? How often have you wanted
 to form a more personal relationship with a Higher
 Authority but just couldn't get turned on by that same
 old tired selection of Supreme Beings?  Haven't you ever
 wished there was just one religion out there that
 understood you, Friendly Friend, that indulged you, one
 that fit in with your creative, dynamic lifestyle?  Well,
 at last, thanks to the Creators of Wauism, there is.
 Finally, there's a faith that works for you, Friendly
 Friend, instead of the other way around.  After all these
 years, and following an in-depth market research study,
 Wauists Worldwide (A full-service non-profit agency not
 affiliated with CBS International) has come up with a
 religion that draws upon the best features of some of the
 world's most popular denominations, but goes them all far

 Yes, Friend, that's right! Wauism is everything some
 religions are and much, much more.  It's not just a job,
 it's an adventure; it's a breath mint, and a candy mint;
 it's everything you always wanted in a God and less.
 Designed using the latest in CAR (Computer-Aided Religion)
 technology, here's just a few of the features Wauism

 1. Guaranteed Salvation. Guaranteed. Other religions
    require you to behave a certain way in the here-and-now
    in order to make out in the hereafter; with Wauism, you
    can do whatever you want, because your salvation is
    guaranteed!  Wauism realizes you've got enough to worry
    about in life without having to be nervous about where
    you're headed after you die, so relax!  As a Wauist,
    death means never having to have said you're sorry.
    Whatever Heaven you want is yours; or if you'd rather
    just be dead, that's fine, too.

 2. Your Choice of Supreme Being. No more arguing about
    who's more all-powerful, Jesus or Mohammed, Buddha or
    Joseph Smith.  Stop fighting about whether Allah could
    take  The Holy Ghost in a wrestling match. End the
    endless bickering over whether the Supreme Deity is a
    He or a She.  With Wauism, you can choose.  Using the
    patented Godolyzer, you make God in your image.  Combine
    Jesuss' hairdo with Mother Nature's eyes.  Add the musical
    flair of Krishna to the sexual swagger of Zoroaster.  You
    want a Lord who's vengeful but also knows how to rock?
    No problem.  Using the Godolyzer, with or without the
    templates provided, you make the call.

 3. Eat Whatever You Want. Remember fish sticks on Friday?
    Or how about unleavened bread? And who--try as they
    might--can forget "bitter herbs?"  Well, now, thanks to
    Wauism, you can. As a Wauist, you'll never have to
    tongue another Eucharist wafer off of your palate or
    nurse another hangover brought on from sacramental wine
    again.  Glut your maw however you'd like, whenever you'd
    like. Eat all you want, just want all you take.

 4. More Efficient Commandments. Some religions take as many
    as Ten Commandments to lay down their laws. Wauism, using
    the latest in data-compression techniques, has significantly
    reduced the number of Commandments and has also managed to
    dramatically decrease their stringency. Think of them
    simply as a Couple of Suggestions, and if you'd rather
    not, hey, Friend, that's quite all right, too.

 5. No Sexual Taboos. Has anything turned more people away
    from the power above the heavens than the power below
    their waists?  Wauism doesn't have the problem, because
    as a Wauist, you Friendly Friend, can stick or get
    stuck however you want with whom or whatever you want
    whenever or wherever you want.  As long as no one gets
    hurt--or just if they want to--Wauism says have fun.
    And be safe.

 6. More and Better Holidays. Even the most fun-loving
    religions usually have only half a dozen or so major
    holidays a year. And often several of these are days
    of atonement or fasting.  Wauism, on the other hand,
    features a full complement of 365 full-scale religious
    holidays a year!  366 for leap year.  And all include
    presents and feasting.

 7. No Hazing Rituals. No hitting with sticks.  No
    drenchings in water.  No knives aimed at your privates.
    Need we say more?

 8. No Annual Fee. Because of low overhead (no Gothic
    cathedrals to keep up, no sacred texts to maintain, no
    Crusades to mount) Wauism is offered to you entirely
    free! A letter now and again would be nice, but hey,
    don't sweat it.

 9. 100% Compatibility. Wauism does not require you to
    change or upgrade any of your existing religious or
    sectarian beliefs. It is in no way mutually exclusive.
    You can be a Wauist and anything else you want, too--
    even Republican.

10. Quit at Any Time. No forms to fill out, no messy dyes
    to spill, no one will call you.  You can be a Wauist
    one day and something else the next.  Change hourly if
    you'd like.  By the second if you'd prefer.  Or, be a
    Wauist forever. It's entirely up to you.  So, there you
    have it, Friend, in a nutshell--a pistachio to be exact.
    With Wauism, you get all the plusses of other religions
    with none of the minuses. It's like having your cake and
    eating it, too.  Heck, it's like owning the whole bakery!
    And because you, Friendly Friend, are who you are, and
    only sometimes somebody else, you have been selected to
    participate in this charter membership offer.  As a Wauist,
    you'll enjoy the benefits of the world's only computer-
    designed faith as well as the peace of mind of knowing if
    the Armageddon does come, it's not your fault!

 So, join today and start receiving the benefits immediately.
 All you have to do is whatever you want.  Make no phone
 calls unless you feel so inclined.  Write no letters unless
 it strikes your fancy. Send no money, unless you want to.

 Be a Wauist or don't be.  You are still surrounded in a
 cone of love.


 D.A. LeTang Wauist

Subj:     Agnes Comic Strip (DU)
          by Tony Cochran on 3/7/2009
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/agnes/2009/03/07
Subj:     Religious Shit

 (Also see 'Religious View Of Shit' in SHIT)

      Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama ding dong
          Hinduism: Shit happened before
             Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage
               Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
          Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit?
      Confucianism: Confucius say, "shit happens"
 7th day adventist: Shit happens on Saturday
      Protestanism: Shit won't happen if I work harder
       Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it
  Jehova's witness: Knock, knock, shit happens
         Unitarian: What is this shit?
            Mormon: Shit happens, again and again and again
           Judaism: Why do this shit happen to me?

Subj:     PMS In The Bible (S187)
          From: Bawdy.Net Bah! Humbug! Collage on Date: 97-12-25
      and From: gheckman@ on 08/29/2000

 During his sermon on Sunday, the local preacher told his
 congregation that the entire range of human existence
 could be found in the Bible.  If anything can happen to
 humans, it is described somewhere in the Bible.

 After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said,
 "Reverend, I don't think the Bible mentions anything about
 PMS anywhere."

 The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find
 a reference to PMS somewhere in the Bible.  During the
 following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book,
 chapter-by-chapter, and verse-by-verse.  On the following
 Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find
 PMS mentioned in the Bible?"

 The preacher smiled, opened his Bible, and began to read:
 "......and Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

Subj:     A Prayer For Our Soldiers (S548c in Sold-Supp)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 7/10/2007
..........Sources: (Removed from lablaughs.com)

 This web page is a prayer and five photos of our troops.
 View them by clicking 'HERE'.

                           -(o o)-
..........................From Wonderin Bout Genealogy II