Subj:   Balls (testicles)
              (Includes 34 jokes and articles, 30 1072,15,no ads,wXT3a6a,13)

........L2 Updated

S & M cartoon
Animated Gifs Maniac
Includes the following:  Cat Prevents A House Fire - Painting (S885)
.........................Cojones (S289, S459b)
.........................South Park - Do Girls Not Have Balls? - Video (S1029)
.........................Two Men Have Vasectomies (S306)
.........................Wash Your Balls!! Axe Commercial (S713)
.........................Family Jewels (S601c)
.........................SNL Schweddy Balls - Video (S482)
.........................A Golfer And His Balls (S250)
.........................Pearls Before Swine Comic Strip (S1072)
.........................So... You Think YOU'VE Got balls? - Video (S642c)
.........................Woman Ties Ribbon To Scrotum (S64, S557)
.........................Willie Barcena's Ball Sparkles - Video (S650)
.........................Kicked In Balls Vs Child Birth (S820)
.........................Grandfather Clock - GIF/Video/Drawing (S1035)
.........................Mouse Balls
.........................Lobsters In The Pants - Newspaper Article (S479b)
.........................Scrotum Self-Repair (S58)
.........................A Squirrel's Balls Caught - Photo (S894d)
.........................Short Ball Jokes
..............................Rubbing Balls After Sex (S666)
..............................Mr. Bean Is Kicked In The Balls - Video (S822)
..............................Ball Air Conditioner (S249b)
..............................Holland Man Castrated In Hospital - Video (S514c, S810)
..............................Wife Rips Out Husbands Ball (S296)
..............................Nut Bra - Video (S483c)
..............................Three-Year_old Examines His Balls (S473b)
..............................Song - Do Your Balls Hang Low? - Web Page w/Audio (S483b)
..............................Man Arrested For Sexual Assault (S287b)
..............................Matador Has A Bad Day- Web Page w/Photo (S612b)

Also see A_CHINESE    - 'Chinese Torture'
         ALIEN file   - 'Two Aliens Talk'
         BOXING file  - 'Mother Goose And Grimm' - Cartoon
         CAMEL file   - 'Camel Balls'
         CATS1 file   - 'Here Kitty, Kitty...Kitty'
         CHURCH-SUPP  - 'Answered Prayers'
         COWBOY2 file - 'Bull Riding - Cartoon'
         DOCTOR1 file - 'John Asks To Be Castrated'
......................- 'Man Is Castrated'
         DOCTOR2 file - 'Patient's Ball Turnes Blue'
         DOCTOR3 file - 'Woman Given Testosterone'
         DOG-SUPP2    - 'Bizarro Cartoon'
         DWARF file   - 'Midget Cowboy's Balls Ache'
         ELDERLY2     - 'Man Has Face Lift'
         ENGLISHMAN   - 'British Soldiers Return From Falkland'
         FARMER1 file - 'Farm Boy, His Gal And His Rope'
         FOOD_ETC-SUPP- 'Wings Etc's Ad For Blazin' Balls' - Video
         FOOTBALL file- 'New England Patriots & Mountain Oysters'
         FROG file    - 'Freak Accident After Frog Fishing'
         GOLF2 file   - 'Tiger Woods Stops For Gas'
         HOSPITAL1    - 'Nurse Checks Testicles'
......................- 'Man Farts During Surgery'
         JOBS2 file   - 'Tickle-Me-Elmo Modification'
.........JOBS3 file   - 'Worker's Favorite Sports'
         KIDS5 file   - 'Whyatt Cartoon'
         LAWYER2 file - 'Boy Chokes On A Quarter'
         MARRIAGE4    - 'A Woman's Trophy Of Divorce'
         MAILMAN-ETC  - 'Applying For Work At The Post Office'
         NAT-American - 'The Story Of Onestone'
         NEW_YEARS    - 'Tom Cheney Cartoons'
         PLANE1 file  - 'Man Goes To Bathroom On A Plane'
         PENIS1 file  -  (See all files)
         PENIS2 file  -  (See all files)
         PENIS3 file  -  (See all files)
         POLIT-BUSH   - 'Bush And Sharon Have Dinner'
         SAILOR-MARINE- 'Military Balls'
         SOLDIER2 file- 'Three Generals Retire'
         TAXES file   - 'IRS And Tax Collecting'
         WAITER-WTRESS- 'Little Old Man Orders Banana Split'
         WRESTLING    - 'Russian Wrestler And The "Pretzel"'

Subj:     Cat Prevents A House Fire - Painting (S885)
          From: bill7808 in 2013
 Source: (Removed from TheRevCounter.co.uk)
......Click 'HERE' to see other Rockwell type paintings.
Subj:     Cojones (S289, S459b)
          From: flovilla in 2002

 A man travels to Spain and goes to Pamplona during the great
 "running of the Bulls" festival.  After his first day there,
 he goes out late for dinner at a restuarant in the center of
 the town.  He orders the house special and he is brought a
 plate, with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.

 "What's this?" he asked.

 "Cojones, senor," the waiter replied.

 "What are cojones," Joe asked.

 "Cojones," the waiter explained, "are the testicles of the
 bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

 At first the man was disgusted, but being both adventurous
 and very hungry, he decided to try this local delicacy.  To
 his amazement, it was quite delicious.  In fact, it was so
 good he decided to return the next night and order it again.

 This time, the waiter brought out the plate, but the meaty
 objects were much smaller.

 "Hey, what's this?" Joe asked the waiter.

 "Cojones, senor," the waiter replied.

 "No way," Joe protested.  "I had cojones yesterday and they
 were much bigger than these."

 "Senor," the waiter explained, "the bull does not always lose."

Subj:     South Park - Do Girls
.............Not Have Balls?
          From: South Park
..........in 2016 (S1029d-On Site)
 Source: (Removed from youtube.com)

 Click 'HERE' to see very funny scene from Season 20, Episode 3.

Subj:     Two Men Have Vasectomies (S306)
          From: JBCARY1 in 2002

 Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies.
 A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their
 medical gowns while they wait for the doctor.

 Minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown
 and begins to masturbate him.  Shocked, he says, "My God,
 what are you doing?" to which she replies, "We have to
 vacate the sperm from your system in order to have a clean
 procedure."  Not wanting to cause a problem, the man
 relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task.

 The second man watches all of this and by the time the
 nurse turns to him, he is quite ready.  To his surprise,
 she drops to her knees, and proceeds to give him a blow

 The first man says, "Hey, what is this?  How come I get
 a hand job, and he gets a blow job?"

 The nurse says, "That, sir, is the difference between an
 HMO and Blue Cross."

Subj:     Wash Your Balls!! Axe Commercial (S713)
          From: RDobry in 2010 (d-iFrame)
Photo from YouTube.com
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/CtZKL74LgMg

 Axe is a brand of male grooming products consisting of body
 sprays, deodorants, antiperspirants, shower gels and hair
 products.  This commercial about washing balls is crude,
 cute, and sexy.  Click 'HERE' to see these sports balls
 be washed.

Subj:     Family Jewels (S601c)
          From: LABLaughsAdult in 2008

 Chatting with my mother-in-law, I asked, "Have you heard of
 this company that takes the cremated ashes of your loved
 one and then compresses the carbon into a diamond?"

 "Yes," she said, smirking. "It brings a whole new meaning to
 the phrase 'family jewels.'"

Subj:     SNL Schweddy Balls
          From: darrell94590 
..........in 2006 (S482d-On Site)
 Source1: www.jokelibrary.net/sex/b_to_h/balls-Schweaty.wmv
 Source2: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recurring_Saturday_Night_Live_

 Ana Gasteyer and Molly Shannon host a series of sketches
 on Saturday Night Live called 'The Delicious Dish.'  In
 this sketch originally aired on December 12, 1998, Alec
 Baldwin plays Pete Schweddy.  Pete makes a Christmas treat
 called 'Schweddy Balls.'  Click 'HERE' to see this crude,
 cute, and funny skit.

Subj:     A Golfer And His Balls (S250)
..........From: JBCARY1 in 2001

 Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everett
 Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the
 local golf course.  Proving once again that beer and testos-
 terone are a bad mix.

 Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his
 scrotum in the machine.  Much to his dismay, one of his
 buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine
 with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly
 in the mechanism.  Sanchez, who immediately passed his
 threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.

 Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer
 was more than a foot higher off the ground than his
 testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the
 weakest link.  Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during
 the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever
 and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle
 was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the
 housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.
 To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver
 that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was
 using to balance himself.  Sanchez was rushed to the
 hospital for surgery, and the remaining two were asked to
 leave the course.

Subj:     Pearls Before Swine (S1072)
          By Stephan Pastis in 2017
 Source: www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2017/07/28
Subj:     So... You Think YOU'VE Got balls?
          From: darrellvip
          in 2009 (S642c,d-iFrame)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/SkIryQ6Paqg

 Click 'HERE' to see this unusual video of a native with
 very large balls.  This disease is called Lymphatic
 filariasis, also known as elephantiasis, is best known
 from dramatic photos of people with grossly enlarged
 or swollen arms and legs. The disease is caused by
 parasitic worms, including Wuchereria bancrofti, Brugia
 malayi, and B. timori, all transmitted by mosquitoes.

Subj:     Woman Ties Ribbon To Scrotum (S64, S557b)
          From: ginafm in 2007

 (See 'The Drunken Scotsman With Lyrics' in Scottish)

 A woman was having a terrible time sleeping.  Her large dog,
 which slept in the bedroom with her and her husband, snored
 like a buzz saw.  She contacted the Vet who told her of an
 old remedy that was handed down to him by an old Southern
 lady.  He said when the dog began to snore, tie a ribbon
 around the dog's testicles.

 Hoping for a good night sleep, she looked into her sewing kit
 and found a short piece of red ribbon and placed it on the
 night stand.  When the dog began to snore she got up and
 delicately tied the red ribbon around the dog's testicles.
 The dog immediately stopped snoring and stayed asleep.
 Amazing she thought, and quickly went back to sleep.

 Later that evening, her husband came home from a night out
 with the boys, stumbled into the bedroom and after undressing,
 flopped into bed.  He immediately began to snore loudly,
 waking his wife.  She reasoned that if it worked for the dog,
 maybe it would work for her husband.  She got up and went to
 her sewing kit where she found a length of blue ribbon.
 Quietly and softly she tied the ribbon around her husbands
 testicles and he immediately quit snoring.  She was amazed
 again and promptly returned to sleep.

 The next morning the husband awoke with a terrible hangover
 and as he stepped into the bathroom to relieve himself.  As
 he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror
 and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.  He is very
 confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the
 red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.  He shakes his
 head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where
 we were ...or what we did ...but, by God ...We took FIRST
 and SECOND place."

Subj:     Willie Barcena's Ball Sparkles
          From: LABLaughsClean
..........in 2009 (S650d-iFrame)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/yOmENZwlaO4

 This fake commercial by the comedian, Willie Barcena
 is cute and funny.  Click 'HERE' to see this silly video.

Subj:     Kicked In Balls Vs Child Birth (S820)
          From: AFine963 in 2012
 Source:  (Password required www.hunting-washington.com)

 I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and
 had a couple nice cold beers.  The day was really quite
 beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on
 various topics.

 Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving
 birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

 Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
 than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

 Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking,
 I have come up with the answer to that question.  Getting
 kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and
 here is the reason for my conclusion.

 A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say,
 "it might be nice to have another child."

 On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I
 think I would like another kick in the nuts."

 I rest my case.

Subj:     Grandfather Clock (S1035)
          From: Claudia Rook in 2016 (d-On Site)
 Source: www.popkey.co/m/zJjjZ-grandfather+clock+balls
.Click 'HERE' to see this 21 second video,
 Click 'HERE' to see it as an animated GIF with some errors.
Subj:     Mouse Balls
          From Wyatt's Joke Page in 1997

 Sent along from someone stationed in the Pentagon:

 From "The Wahington Monthly," January/February 1991, page 24:

 This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out
 to all IBM Branch Offices.  The person who wrote it was very
 serious.  The rest of us guys find it rather funny.

 Abstract:  Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement

 Mouse balls are now available as FRU.  Therefore, if a mouse
 fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may
 need a ball replacement.  Because of the delicate nature of
 this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be
 attempted by properly trained personnel.

 Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls, by
 examining the underside of the mouse.  Domestic balls will
 be larger and harder than foreign balls.

 Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer
 of the mouse.  Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-
 off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off
 method.  Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.
 However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
 Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used
 immediately, or at your next convenience.

 It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare
 balls for maintaining optimum customer statisfaction, and
 that any customer missing his balls should suspect local
 personnel of removing these necessary items.

 To reorder, specify one of the following:

 P/N 33f8426 - Domestic Balls
 P/N 33f8421 - Foreign Balls

Subj:     Lobsters In The Pants (S479b, S1108)
          From: LABLaughsAdult in 2006
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj:     Scrotum Self-Repair (S58)
          From: TNKRTEACH in 1997

 WARNING:  Don't read this if you are upset easily by
 gory details.


 (as publised in MEDICAL ASPECTS OF HUMAN SEXUALITY, July 1991)

 Scrotum Self-Repair
 One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head
 ER nurse.  She directed me to a patient who had refused to
 describe his problem othen than to say that he "needed a
 doctor who took care of men's troubles."  The patient, about
 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had
 little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose
 a bit of angry red and black-and-blue scrotal skin.

 After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted
 me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards
 of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum,
 which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and
 extremely tender.  A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus
 and blood, extended down the left scrotum.

 Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates,
 I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the
 patient what they were.  Several days earlier, he replied,
 he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked,
 and had closed the laceration himself with a heavy-duty
 stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the
 type used in putting up wallboard.

 We x-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples;
 admitted him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin,
 broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene
 sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning.  The procedure
 consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of
 the scrotal pouch.  Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and
 the skin edges were trimmed and freshened.  The left testis
 had been avulsed and was missing.  The stump of the spermatic
 cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the
 vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was
 present. Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured
 loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.

 Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from
 the hospital less than a week later, the patient confided
 the rest of his story to me.  An unmarried loner, he usually
 didn't leave the machine shop at lunchtime with his co-
 workers.  Finding himself alone, he had begun the practice
 of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas
 belt-drive of a large floor-based piece of running machinery.
 One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration
 and leaned too close to the belt.  When his scrotum suddenly
 became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt,
 he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away.
 Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too
 stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and
 resumed work.  I can only assume he abandoned this method
 of self-gratification.

 And men think *women* are dumb!!!!

 (William A. Morton is a retired urologist residing in West
 Chester, Pennsylvania.)

Subj:     A Squirrel's Balls Caught (S894d)
          From: tom in 2014
 Source www.UglyHeadgehog.com

It was a day Mr. FloppyTail would never forget.
And you thought your day was going poorly.
 to see an enlargement and
second photo of this poor squirrel.

Subj:     Short Ball Jokes

Subj:     Rubbing Balls After Sex (S666)
          From: sam.hutkins in 2009
 Source: (Removed from ronn.com)
 A guy and a girl are laying in bed after sex.  The guy
 wonders why the girl is always rubbing his balls after.
 The guy finally asks, "Why are you always rubbing my
 balls after sex?" The girl says, "Because I miss mine."

Subj:     Mr. Bean Is Kicked In The Balls
..........Posted on (S822d-On Site)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/xCirPPBOI6I
 Click 'HERE' to see this twenty-two second video of
 Johnny English (Rowan Atkinson aka Mr. Bean) at his very best.

Subj:     Ball Air Conditioner (S249b)
         From: jerry in 2001
 A German scientist has invented an air conditioning system
 for men's underpants to cool the testicles to at least 1
 degree Celsius below body temperature, claiming that it
 improves male fertility.

 A fan is clipped onto a belt around the waist and air is
 pumped through tubes leading to the groin to cool the area.

 Ananova 4-Nov-01

Subj:     Holland Man Castrated In Hospital
          From: jbcary1 in 2006
..........(S514c, S810d-Object)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/pbfLGX6uY2c
 This video is an interview in Holland with a man who's
 balls were accidentally removed during surgery.  Click
 'HERE' to see this regrettably very funny TV interview.

Subj:     Wife Rips Out Husbands Ball (S296)
          From: jerry in 2002
 ''I love that girl.  That's my heart, my soul, and that's
 my better half.  I told the (District Attorney) the other
 day I'm not prosecuting her.''

 Comment made by a Nashville man, in response to being asked
 why he is still living with the woman who ripped out one of
 his testicles with her fingernails during a fit of anger.

 The testicle was reattached.  But for how long?

 The Tennessean 1-Oct-02

Subj:     Nut Bra - Video
          From CrazyShit.com
..........in 2006 (S483c,d-iFrame)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/vH7kTdmv_qM
 You can view this cute, silly video about long testicle
 by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Three-Year_old Examines His Balls (S473b)
          From: DoctorDebt in 2006
 A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles
 while taking a bath.  "Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"

 "Not yet," replied his mother

Subj:     Song - Do Your Balls Hang Low? (S483b)
          From: RBG Codex in 2006 (d-On Site)
Testicles from Yahoo Search
 MP3 source: (Removed from iris-n-rose.com)
 When I heard this song from Phil, I went on the internet
 and found many more stanzas.  You can read the song and
 hear a few of it's lines by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Man Arrested For Sexual Assault (S287b)
          From: jerry in 2002
 An Australian man was arrested on 24 counts of sexual assault.
 It was found that he had his testicles examined more than 300
 times by mostly female doctors.  He said he needed to do this
 to counter depression.

 He would make up stories about being hit in the groin so he
 could get examinations at local clinics.

 The Independent (South Africa) 26-Jul-02

Subj:     Matador Has A Bad Day
          From: LABLaughsClean
..........in 2008 (S612b)
 Source: (Removed from buffaloschips.com)
 You can view this painful photo by clicking 'HERE'.


 To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing
    to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #292 in 1999 (S114)
 This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts,
 "Ballroom please."  A lady standing in front of him turns
 around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was
 crowding you."

From: RFSlick in 2001 (S239)
 Things you'll never hear a woman say: "My, what an
 attractive scrotum!"  -- Patricia Arquette

 Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out
 a man's genitals through his wallet.  -- Robin Williams

From: dogbyte in 2001
 That guy was so macho,....
 He jogged home from his vasectomy.

From: dogbyte in 2002 (S300b)
 A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing nothing but a
 pair of shorts made from plastic wrap.  The psychiatrist
 says, "Well,... I can clearly see you're nuts!"

From: Joke-Of-The-Day in 2001 (S229)
 Q: What has six balls and screws people?
 A: Lotto!

                           -(o o)-
..............................From Smiliemania.da.