Subj:     Fart Jokes
                 (Includes 38 jokes and articles, 08 1008,13,no ads,wYT2a,11)

         Click "Here" for Fart-Supp

Popeye Cartoon
Animated Gifs Maniac
Includes the following:  Beans, A Short Film  (S885 in Supp)
.........................Fart Lighting - Video (S633 in Supp)
.........................Elevator Farts (S661b in Supp)
.........................Types Of Farters (S635b in Supp)
.........................Fart Blowing Bubble Machine - Video (S1008 in Supp)
.........................Baby's Surprise - Video (S713b in Supp)
.........................Bo! In The USA - Oprah Winfrey Show - Video (S778 in Supp)
.........................Minions Fresh Air - Video Clip (S909)
.........................Kids are a Gas! (S165, S514)
.........................Bad Timing - Video (S495b, S839)
.........................Ole Buys Cow In Nordakota (S314, S519)
.........................Fart Within The Matrix - Video (S483)
.........................Fart Football (S275c, S839)
.........................Toot Tone - Video (S481c)
.........................Chili Farts (S590b)
.........................Bed Farts - Video (S530c)
.........................Poem - All About Farts (S462b, S646b)
.........................The Farter From Sparta - Poem (S282)
.........................Non Sequitur On God And Grandpas (S980)
.........................The Priest Breaks Wind (S150, S509)
.........................Three Woman Share An Elevator (S285b)
.........................Three Woman Share An Elevator II - Video (S493)
.........................Hillary And Janet Girl Talk (S98)
.........................Old Lady Sees Doctor About Farting (S71, S433)
.........................A Man Who Loved Beans (S38, S744)
.........................Life In A Fish Bowl - Cartoon (S489)
.........................Farting Your Guts Out (S220)
.........................International Fart Glossary
.........................Three Eskimos Brag (S39)
                         Short Farting Jokes
..............................Pull My Finger Cartoons (in Supp)
...................................Glenn McCoy Cartoon (S907 in Supp)
...................................Zombie Pull My Finger Joke (S911 in Supp)
...................................Glenn McCoy Cartoon II (S912 in Supp)
...................................Gastroenterology Office (S913 in Supp)
...................................Guru On A Stump (S914 in Supp)
..............................Whyatt Cartoons (S740 in Supp)
..............................Jeff Bridges' Joke (S675b in Supp)
..............................The Ring Of Fire - Audio (S579c)
..............................Star Trek's Gaseous Cloud (S253b)
..............................Tooted In The Tub - Video (S536b)
..............................Woman Explodes During Operation (S161)
..............................Fart Artiste (S298b)
..............................Farting Dog Harmonics (S491c)
..............................Sometimes You Will... (S239b, S488b)
..............................Silent Fart (S469b, S615)
..............................Don't Hold Farts In (S432)
.........................Beverage From A Foreign Country (S376b)

Also see CARS1 file   - 'Lady Farts While Buying Expensive Car'
         COWBOY2 file - 'Jim Lisk, A Cowboy Cartoonist'
         DARWIN AWRDS1- 'Died From Farting'
         DARWIN AWRDS2- 'Pumping In Thailand'
         DOCTOR-SUPP  - 'Medical Students Diagnose Syndromes'
         DRINKING     - 'Lady Prefers Sherry To Port'
......................- 'Airplane Mechanics Get Drunk'
         DRINKING_BR2 - 'Bud Lite Sleighride'
         ELDERLY1     - 'Wife Puts Husband In Rest Home'
         FACTS2 file  - 'Smelling Poop At Taco Bell'
         FISHING1 file- 'Blind Fishing Salesman'
         FISHING2 file- 'Fart Fishing'
         HARLEY file  - 'World's First Hybrid Motorcycle'
         HOSPITAL1    - 'Man Farts During Surgery'
         HOSPITAL2    - 'True Hospital Stories'
         Gay file     - 'Football-Pool'
         GATES file   - 'Bill Gates And Farting'
         GHOST file   - 'Drunk Walks Past Hospital'
         NUDIST file  - 'New Nudist At Colony'
         NUN2 file    - 'A Nun Flies To Chicago'
         PHONE-SUPP   - 'European Fake Cell Phone Commercial' - Video
         PILOT file   - 'Pilot School On Sublimation'
         POLIT-BUSH   - 'Bush Meets The Queen'
         WOMEN-SUPP   - 'Single Women Sign'
         WAITER-WTRESS- 'Trucker's Breakfast'

Subj:     Minions Fresh Air (S909d)
          From: Ivica and John Sipos on Facebook
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/xob0P93V4S0
.......Click 'HERE' to watch this funny video clip.

Subj:     Kids are a Gas! (S165, S514)
          From: zeise on 2/18/00
      and From: darrell94590 on 11/26/2006

 (Also see 'Smelling Poop At Taco Bell' in Facts2)

 Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
 I hope you remember my story when they start getting

 My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty
 training, and I was on his case constantly.

 One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
 between errands.  It was very busy, with a full dining
 room.  While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
 so of course I checked my seven month old daughter, and
 she was clean.  Then I realized that Matt had not asked
 to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said "No."

 I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident
 and I don't have any clothes with me."  Then I said, "Matt,
 are you sure you did not have an accident?"

 "No," he replied, but I knew that he must have, because
 the smell was getting worse.


 I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?"
 This time, with a little smirk on his face, he jumped up,
 yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and
 yelled: "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST GAS!!"  While 100 people
 nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up
 his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing

 I was mortified, but some kind elderly people made me feel
 a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the
 best laugh they had ever had.

 Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we
 were leaving, bent over to my son and said, "Don't worry
 son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time.  I
 just never had the nerve to make the point like you did."

Subj:     Bad Timing (S495b, S839d)
          From: darrell94590 on 7/20/2006
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/z4gK3RRtCHw
........Click 'HERE' to see this hilarious, a medival war skit.
Subj:     Ole Buys Cow In Nordakota (S314, S519)
          From: FrankRoesch on 2/2/2003

 Ole and Sven are neighbors in Minnesota.  Ole is in need of
 a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in
 Nordakota (that would be 'North Dakota' for you
 non-Scandahoovians out there).

 He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

 Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk.

 When he grabs the teat and pulls... the cow farts.

 Ole is very surprised.

 He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches
 under the cow to try again.  He grabs another teat, pulls,
 and the cow farts again.  Milk does come out however, so
 after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole
 decides to buy the cow and take it home.

 When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over Sven, and says,
 "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis her new cow I yust bought.
 Pull her teat, and see vat happens."  Sven reaches under,
 pulls the teat... and the cow farts.

 Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in
 Nordakota, didn't yah?

 Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his

 Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

 Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."

Subj:     Fart Within The Matrix (S483d)
          From: BoreMe.com on 4/27/2006
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/rIGrwQyRlMA

 Click 'HERE' to see pure, male, juvenile, farting humor.

Subj:     Fart Football (S275c, S839)
          From: gheckman on 12/6/2001
      and From: CKButch4Femme on 2/6/2012

 An old man and his wife have gone to bed.  After laying
 there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven

 His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
 The old man replied, "It's fart football."

 A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says,
 "Touchdown, tie score."  After about five minutes the old
 man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

 Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says,
 "Touchdown, tie score."  Five seconds go by and she lets
 out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, lead 17 to 14."

 Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get
 beat by a woman, so he strains real hard but to no avail.
 Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it
 everything he has but instead of farting he craps the bed.
 The wife looks and says, "What was that?"

 The old man replied, "Half-time, switch sides."

Subj:     Toot Tone - Video (S481c,d)
          From: darrell94590 on 4/11/2006
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/4LvwYUnSoQo

 This video is pure, male, juvenile, farting humor.  You
 fellow lowlifes can view it by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Chili Farts (S590b)
          From: gordonschuk on 5/1/2008

 I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether
 sure that course of action was a wise one.  You see, the
 previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive
 quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to $h!t
 yourself' chili.  Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of
 being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me
 that if you eat the next day Both of your ***** cheeks WILL
 fall off.

 Here's the thing.  I had awakened that morning, and even
 after two cups of Coffee (and all of you know what I mean)
 nothing happened.  No 'Watson's Movement 2'.  Despite
 habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal
 tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning
 symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder
 and lightning.

 Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure
 of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-
 Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty

 Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.  I
 selected a cart and began pushing it about, dropping items
 in for purchase.  It wasn't until I was at the opposite end
 of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.  Oh,
 don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.
 I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always
 seems to hit us at the wrong time.  The thing is, this pain
 was different.

 The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging
 a revolt.  In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way
 through the small intestines, forcing their way into the
 large intestines, and before I could take one step in the
 direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it
 happened.  The peppers fired a warning shot.

 There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly
 enveloped in a Noxious cloud the likes of which has never
 before been recorded.  I was afraid to move for fear that
 more of this vile odor might escape me.  Slowly, oh so
 slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
 body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just
 as an elderly woman turned into it.

 I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what
 her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that
 refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.
 Have you ever been torn in two different directions
 emotionally?  Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you
 at least will be able to relate.

 I could've warned that poor woman but didn't.  I simply
 watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently
 indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she
 could do before gathering her senses and running, was to
 stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as
 though trying to ward off angry bees.  This, of course,
 made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.  MISTAKE!

 Here's the thing.  When you laugh, it's hard to keep
 things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean.  With each
 new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether
 region.  Some were so loud and echoing that I was later
 told a Few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
 someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

 Suddenly things were no longer funny.  IT was coming, and
 I raced off through the store towards the restrooms,
 laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make
 it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

 Luck was on my side.  Just in the nick of time I got to
 the john, began the Inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above
 the toilet seat because my *** is burning SO BAD, purging.
 One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of
 what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.  He made a
 gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then
 quickly left.

 Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially
 filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a
 store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might
 want to step outside for a few minutes.  It appears some
 prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.  The manager
 is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two
 which ought to take care of the problem.'

 That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to
 escape me.  The employee took one sniff, jumped back
 pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me
 in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off
 returning moments later with the manager.  I was
 unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none
 too kindly not to return.

 Home again without having shopped, I realized that there
 was nothing good to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed
 two more bowls.  The next day I went to shop at
 Albertson's.  I can't say anymore about that because we
 are in court over the whole matter.

 Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Subj:     Bed Farts (S530c,d)
          From: Chewy Central on 3/16,2007
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/zr9Pmc3YSAs
 Source2: http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/51/

 This video is another pure, male, juvenile, farting
 humor.  Farting husband lets em' rip at bedtime,
 forcing his pets and wife to evacuate swiftly!
 You can view by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Poem - All About Farts (S462b, S646b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 12/1/2005 and 11/6/2009
      and From: darrellvip on 5/30/2009

 A fart is a pleasant thing,
 It gives the belly ease,
 It warms the bed in winter,
 And suffocates the fleas.

 A fart can be quiet,
 A fart can be loud,
 Some leave a powerful,
 Poisonous cloud

 A fart can be short,
 Or a fart can be long,
 Some farts have been known
 To sound like a song......

 A fart can create
 A most curious medley,
 A fart can be harmless,
 Or silent , and deadly.

 A fart might not smell,
 While others are vile,
 A fart may pass quickly,
 Or linger a while......

 A fart can occur
 In a number of places,
 And leave everyone there,
 With strange looks on their faces.

 From wide-open prairie,
 To small elevators,
 A fart will find all of
 Us sooner or later.

 But farts are all bad,
 Is simply not true-
 We must not forget.......
 Sweet old farts like you!

Subj:     The Farter From Sparta (S282)
          From: dogbyte on 6/28/2002

 There was a young fellow from Sparta.
 A really magnificent farter.
    On the strength of one bean
    He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"
 And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

 He could vary, with proper persuasion,
 His fart to suit any occasion.
    He could fart like a flute,
    Like a lark, like a lute,
 This highly fartistic Caucasian.

 This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
 His fart for no money would barter.
    He could roar from his rear
    Any scene from Shakespeare,
 Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.

 Nobody could play the classics finer,
 As he showed me one day in the diner.
    I had a bagel with lox
    while he played from his buttocks:
 Chopin's Etude #12 in C-minor.

 He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
 And fizzle a fine serenata.
    He could play on his anus
    The Coriolanus:
 Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!

 He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
 He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
    He'd boom from his ass
    Bach's B-Minor Mass,
 And in counterpoint, La Traviata.

 Spurred on by a very high wager
 With an envious German named Bager,
    He'd proceeded to fart
    The complete oboe part
 Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.

 His reportoire ranged from classics to jazz,
 He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
    With a good dose of salts
    He could whistle a waltz
 Or swing it in razzamatazz.

 His basso profundo with timbre so rare
 He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
    But his great work of art,
    His fortissimo fart,
 He saved for the Marche Militaire.

 One day he was dared to perform
 The William Tell Overture Storm,
    But naught could dishearten
    Our spirited Spartan,
 For his fart was in wonderful form.

 It went off in capital style,
 And he farted it through with a smile,
    Then, feeling quite jolly,
    He tried the finale,
 Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

 The selection was tough, I admit,
 But it did not dismay him one bit,
    Then, with his ass thrown aloft
    He suddenly coughed...
 And collapsed in a shower of shit.

 His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
 Where they buried the rest of our farter,
    With a gravestone of turds
    Inscribed with the words:
 "To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."

Subj:     Non Sequitur On God And Grandpas (S980)
          By Wiley Miller on 7/1/2015
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2015/10/25
.........Click 'HERE' to see this Sunday comic strip.
Subj:     The Priest Breaks Wind (S150, S509)
          From: KMacinty on 12/13/1999
      and From: vaterbenicia on 10/23/2006

 The local priest goes over to an old parishoner's house for
 a chat and a cup of tea.  He's there for half an hour when
 he has a huge need to fart.  Luckily he notices that the
 old guy's dog has come over and is lying under his chair.
 Maybe, he figures, the old guy will think the dog farted.

 He sneaks out a fart and soon a horrible smell filles the

 "Rover!!", yells the old man. "Get out of there you stupid

 The dog runs out and the priest is relieved.  About five
 minutes later the dog returns and not long after that the
 priest has to fart again.  He lets another one go.  It's
 one of those thick smelly ones that seem to cling to the

 "Rover!!!  You stupid dog!!!  Get out from there!!!" yells
 the old guy and the dog takes off.

 About five minutes later the priest has to fart again.  He
 holds on for about ten minutes until the dog returns and
 lies under his chair again.  Again he lets go a fart that
 would bring tears to your eyes.

 "ROVER!!!!". yells the old bloke, "YOU STUPID DOG!!!!  GET

 Subj:     Three Woman Share An Elevator (S285b)
          From: thebartend on 7/6/99
      and From: coreymac on 7/13/2002

 An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New
 York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets
 into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.  She
 turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by
 Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

 Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator,
 and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying,
 "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

 About three floors later, the old woman has reached her
 destination and is about to get off the elevator.  Before
 she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then
 bends over and farts and says ... "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."

Subj:     Three Woman Share An Elevator II (S493d)
          From: darrell94590 on 7/5/2006
..........Source: (Removed from ladyskylar.com)

 Click 'HERE' to see this is a cute SWF video.

Subj:     Hillary And Janet Girl Talk (S98)
          From: thebartend on 98-12-11

 First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno
 were having one of those girl to girl talks............

 Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have
 to put up with men having sex with you.  I have to put up
 with Bill....and there's no telling where he last had his

 Janet responded..."Just because I am esthetically challenged
 (that's "politically correct" for ugly), doesn't mean I don't
 have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

 Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"

 Janet says, "Whenever I feel that a guy's getting ready to
 make a pass me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the
 loudest, nastiest fart I can."

 Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights
 out when Hillary headed to bed.  She could hear him start
 to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action.
 She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for
 him.....so, she tensed up her butt cheeks and forced
 out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

 Bill rolls over and asks, "That you Janet?"

Subj:     Old Lady Sees Doctor About Farting (S71, S433)
          From: auntieg on 98-06-06

 A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I
 have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me
 too much.  My flatulence never smells and it is always
 silent.  As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times
 since I've been here in your office.

 You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and
 are silent."

 The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to
 see me next week."

 The next week the lady comes back.  "Doctor," she says, "I
 don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...
 although still silent...stink terribly."

 The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your
 sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Subj:     A Man Who Loved Beans (S38, S744)
          From: rfslick on 1/11/2008

 Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible
 passion for baked beans.  He loved them, he adored them,
 he yearned for them.  But they always caused him a great
 deal of embarrassment shortly after eating them.  The
 reaction of his body to the beans was swift and terrible
 to behold.

 One day he met a girl and fell in love.  When it became
 apparent that they would marry, he realized she might be
 even more embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to
 baked beans.  He decided to make the supreme sacrifice and
 give up his beloved baked beans.  A short time later they
 were married.

 Some months later, on his way home from work, his car
 broke down.  He was not too far from home so he decided to
 leave the car and walk the rest of the way.  He passed a
 small roadside cafe and decided to call his wife and tell
 her that he would be late for supper.  As he entered the
 cafe, the smell of baked beans over him.  After calling
 his wife he ordered a bowl of beans.  The beans tasted
 better than any he had ever eaten, so he had a second bowl
 and a third and a fourth until he passed gass.  Like a
 drunk who just fell off the wagon, he knew he was in
 trouble.  After leaving the cafe he walked home real

 The farts came often and with a terrible oder.  The
 closer to home, the frequency and forcefulness diminished
 greatly, and he felt reasonably safe.

 Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great
 rumbling inside and was seized with a terrible urgency.
 As he waited just outside his front door to release one
 last effort, his wife threw open the door.  She excitedly
 exclaimed, "Darling, I have made the most wonderful
 surprise dinner for you."  She blindfolded him and led him
 to his chair at the head of the table.  Just as she was
 ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang.  She made
 him promise not to peek until she returned and went to
 answer the phone.

 When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his
 weight to one leg and loudly broke wind.  It was not only
 loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg.  He had a hard time
 breathing, so he took his napkin and began to fan the air
 about him.  He just started feeling better when he felt
 another urge.  He again raised one leg and let her rip.
 It sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started
 gagging.  He fanned until his arms ached.  Things had just
 about returned to normal when he felt another powerful
 urge.  He shifted his weight to the other leg and let go.
 This was the prize-winner.  The windows rattled, the
 dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers
 on the table were dead.

 While keeping one ear on the conversation in the hallway,
 he continued like this for the next 15 or 20 minutes,
 fanning away each time with his napkin.  When the sounds
 of farewells indicated the end of the telephone conver-
 sation, he neatly laid his napkin in his lap and folded
 his hands on top of it.  Smiling contentedly, he was the
 picture of innocence when his wife returned to the room.

 Apologizing for talking so long, she asked if he had
 peeked.  After assuring her that he had not, she removed
 the blindfold, revealing the dinner guests seated around
 the table for his surprise birthday party!

Subj:     Life In A Fish Bowl (S489)
          From: darrell94590 on 6/9/2006
Subj:     Farting Your Guts Out (S220)
          From: Vegas Jokes Archive on 06/27/97
      and From: gheckman on 3/14/2001

    There was an old married couple that had happily lived
 together for nearly forty years.  The only friction in their
 marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind
 nearly every morning as he awoke.  The noise would always
 wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water
 as she would choke and gasp for air.

    Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop
 ripping one in the morning.  He told her that he couldn't
 help it.  She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything
 could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it.  He told
 her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he
 would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away
 with her hands.  She told him that there was nothing natural
 about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart
 his guts out".

    The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the
 husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his
 guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning.  Before dawn, the
 wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast.  She fixed
 pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey.
 While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought
 occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's

    With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey
 guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her
 flatulent husband would awake.  While he was still soundly
 asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled
 back her husband's jockey shorts.  She then placed all of the
 turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up,
 replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish
 preparing the family meal.

    Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his
 normal loud ass-trumpeting.  This was soon followed by a
 blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as
 her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

    The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to
 tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing.  After years of
 putting up with him she had finally gotten even.  About
 twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
 blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes.
 She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what
 was the matter.

    He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you
 warned me and I didn't listen to you."

    "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

    "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my
 guts out one of these days and today it finally happened.
 But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I
 got 'em all back in."

Subj:     International Fart Glossary
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #187

 "Old Faithful" - Mostly a smelly one. Stays with his creator
 for a long time.  It occurs when you enter a restaurant/
 meeting/church/party/etc.  You deflate outside, enter the
 location and right in the moment when you greet the most
 important person/most beautiful woman in the group, it?s
 right there to do its job.

 "Between the Sheets" - Mostly harmless if you are alone,
 great fun if you can share it with someone.  Develops its
 full potential under the cover and is released by a
 "random" move. Watch that it exits towards other person.
 Under all circumstances hold back enjoyment until released.

 "The Getaway" - It just simply slips out.  You don?t feel
 it coming, you don?t have to, all of a sudden it?s there.
 No smell, no extreme noise, just a little, mean "pfffrrrt".
 Occurs when you bend down, kneel down, carry heavy, sneeze
 (double audio pleasure), blow your nose (mean sucker, because
 YOU don?t here or feel it yourself).  If it happens to you,
 just act normally as if nothing has happened.

 "Pathfinder" - Sits in the tubes just waiting for some room
 to move (Or in football-terms: He is looking for daylight).
 Happens when you burp, pee or deliver some clay at the
 porcelane throne.

 "Double trouble" - Extreme noise and violent smell, but
 would kill you if holded back.  High pressure, no chance
 of interrupting.  Most of the time happens in public, e.g.
 public toilets (more volume) or at somebody elses bathroom
 during dinner, so that when you come back the women can?t
 look at you and the guys laugh.

 "Pretender" - Comes in two flavours "Sound" or "Smell".
 You feel it coming.  You are in public.  You give it a test
 shot to monitor its behaviour (sound or smell).  It is
 perfectly ok. You open all valves and he shows his real
 face. Big trouble.

Subj:     Three Eskimos Brag (S39)
          From: The Bartenders Joke of the day on 20 Oct 97

 There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they
 were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold
 it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could
 agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so
 they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.

 They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch
 this!" and poured a cup of water into the air.  Well, the
 water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid.  "Not
 bad", said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their
 igloo was colder still.

 So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch
 this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his
 breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow,
 that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.

 But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.  So
 they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo.  He said "Watch
 this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick
 furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice
 there.  He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match
 under it.

 When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

Subj:     Short Farting Jokes

Subj:     The Ring Of Fire (S579c,d)
          From: gordonschuk on 2/20/2008
 (See 'Vince Mira Sings Ring Of Fire' in Music-Supp
 This Johnny Cash song has been modified to deal with
 farting.  If you have reached Middle School humor like
 me, you will find it funny. Click 'HERE' to view and
 listen to it.

Subj:     Star Trek's Gaseous Cloud (S253b)
          From: jerry on 11/28/2001
 "Let me tell you what's so outrageous - why would he assume
 it's me and not Leonard?"  Comment made by William Shatner
 ("Captain Kirk" ) on the Howard Stern radio show when asked
 about the apparent sound of someone breaking wind during a
 videotaped interview between himself and Leonard Nimoy ("Mr.
 Spock") and the assertion of Adam Buckman, a columnist for
 the NY Post, that he was the one who had the gas experience.

 And what says Adam Buckman?  "No matter what William Shatner
 says, I stand by my story - only not too closely."

 NY Post 21-Nov-01

Subj:     Tooted In The Tub (S536b,d)
          From: SCOTCOB on 4/27/2007
 You can view this cute, dirty, musical cartoon by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Woman Explodes During Operation (S161)
          From: KMacinty on 12/14/1999
 An operation at Nottingham hospital in January 1989 ended
 prematurely when the patient exploded.  The casualty, an
 82-year-old woman, was undergoing electrosurgery for cancer.
 The blast was attributed to an unusual build-up of stomach
 gases ignited by the sparks.

Subj:     Fart Artiste (S298b)
          From: jerry on 10/13/2002
 Paul Oldfield of the UK, a self-proclaimed "fart artiste"
 who goes by the name "Mr. Methane" and who makes a living
 playing tunes from his butt says he is sick of people
 blaming him for increasing greenhouse gases.  To "balance
 out the damage" he has switched from using gas and coal-
 based power in his home to wind power.

 Wireless News Flash 10-Oct-02

Subj:     Farting Dog Harmonics (S491c,d)
          From: Life Is A Joke on 6/19/2006
 Source: http://www.lifeisajoke.com/flash4_html.htm
 If you are not into flatulent humor, don't bother with
 this interactive SWF video by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Sometimes You Will... (S239b, S488b)
          From: KMACINTY on 8/28/2001
      and From: jbcary1 on 6/1/2006
 Sometimes you will cry
 and no one will see your tears...

 Sometimes you will laugh
 and no one will see you smile...

 Sometimes you will fear
 and no one will see you shudder...

 Sometimes you will lie
 and no one will catch you up...

 Sometimes you will fall
 and no one sees you struggle...

 Sometimes you will be late
 and no one seems to notice...

 But fart just one time
 and everybody knows!!

Subj:     Silent Fart (S469b, S615)
          From: Dickschu on 1/24/2006
      and From: tom on 10/8/2008
 An elderly couple was attending church services.  About
 halfway through the service she leans over and says, "I
 just had a silent fart what do you think I should do?"

 He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Subj:     Don't Hold Farts In (S432d)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/6/2005
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 You can view this cartoon by clicking 'HERE'.

 What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen,
 21% hydrogen  and 9% dioxide?
 A fart.

From: humorlist-digest V1 #200 on 97-09-17
 Everyone farts, admit it or not.  Kings fart, queens fart.  Edward
 Lear, the 19th century English landscape painter, wrote
 affectionately of a favorite Duchess who gave enormous dinner
 parties attended by the cream of  society.

 One night she let out a ripper and quick as a flash she turned
 her gaze to her stoic butler, standing, as always, behind her.

 "Hawkins!" she cried, "Stop that!"

 "Certainly, your Grace", he replied with unhurried dignity,
 "Which way did it go?"

From: humorlist-digest V2 #218 on 98-09-15
 I don't think passing gas would be as funny if it were just
 the sound or just the smell.  It's the *combination* that
 makes it funny.

 Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
 A: A private tutor.  --  Eric Prestel

From: dogbyte on 8/30/2001 (S240)
 People who say that they don't fart are...
 probably full of hot air.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #178
 Q: Why do men fart more than women?
 A: Because women won't shut up long enough
    to build up pressure.

                           -(o o)-
Subj:     Beverage From A Foreign Country (S376b)
          From: drgolfmd on 4/9/2004
                           -(o o)-
............................From Smiley_Central.