Subj: Fart Jokes
(Includes 38 jokes and articles, 06839,11,no ads,md4,9)
Click "Here" for Fart-Supp
Animated Gifs Maniac
Also see CARS1 file - 'Lady
Farts While Buying Expensive Car'
COWBOY2 file - 'Jim Lisk, A Cowboy Cartoonist'
DARWIN AWRDS1- 'Died From Farting'
DARWIN AWRDS2- 'Pumping In Thailand'
DOCTOR-SUPP - 'Medical Students Diagnose Syndromes'
DRINKING - 'Lady Prefers Sherry To Port'
......................- 'Airplane Mechanics Get Drunk'
DRINKING_BR2 - 'Bud Lite Sleighride'
ELDERLY1 - 'Wife Puts Husband In Rest Home'
FACTS2 file - 'Smelling Poop At Taco Bell'
FISHING1 file- 'Blind Fishing Salesman'
FISHING2 file- 'Fart Fishing'
HARLEY file - 'World's First Hybrid Motorcycle'
HOSPITAL1 - 'Man Farts During Surgery'
HOSPITAL2 - 'True Hospital Stories'
Gay file - 'Football-Pool'
GATES file - 'Bill Gates And Farting'
GHOST file - 'Drunk Walks Past Hospital'
NUDIST file - 'New Nudist At Colony'
NUN2 file - 'A Nun Flies To Chicago'
PHONE-SUPP - 'European Fake Cell Phone Commercial' - Movie
PILOT file - 'Pilot School On Sublimation'
POLIT-BUSH - 'Bush Meets The Queen'
WOMEN-SUPP - 'Single Women Sign'
WAITER-WTRESS- 'Trucker's Breakfast'
Toot Tone - Movie (S481c,d)
This 5,600 KB, WMV movie is pure,
male, juvenile, farting humor.
You fellow lowlifes can view it on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Chili Farts (S590b)
From: gordonschuk on 5/1/2008
I went grocery shopping recently
while not being altogether
sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the
previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive
quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to $h!t
yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of
being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me
that if you eat the next day Both of your ***** cheeks WILL
Here's the thing. I had
awakened that morning, and even
after two cups of Coffee (and all of you know what I mean)
nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite
habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal
tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder
Knowing that a time of reckoning
had to come, yet not sure
of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-
Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty
Upon entering the store at first
all seemed normal. I
selected a cart and began pushing it about, dropping items
in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end
of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh,
don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always
seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain
The habaneras in the chili from
the night before were staging
a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way
through the small intestines, forcing their way into the
large intestines, and before I could take one step in the
direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it
happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice
and baking aisle, suddenly
enveloped in a Noxious cloud the likes of which has never
before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that
more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so
slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just
as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do
it, but I stopped to see what
her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that
refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions
emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you
at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman
but didn't. I simply
watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently
indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she
could do before gathering her senses and running, was to
stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as
though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course,
made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. MISTAKE!
Here's the thing. When
you laugh, it's hard to keep
things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each
new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether
region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later
told a Few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer
funny. IT was coming, and
I raced off through the store towards the restrooms,
laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make
it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just
in the nick of time I got to
the john, began the Inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above
the toilet seat because my *** is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of
what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a
gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then
Once finished I left the restroom,
reacquired my partially
filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a
store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might
want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some
prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager
is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two
which ought to take care of the problem.'
That of course set me off again,
causing residual gases to
escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back
pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me
in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off
returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none
too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped,
I realized that there
was nothing good to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed
two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at
Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we
are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
Subj: Poem - All About Farts (S462b, S646b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 12/1/2005 and 11/6/2009
and From: darrellvip on 5/30/2009
A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......
A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.
But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must not forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!
Subj: Ole Buys Cow In Nordakota (S314, S519)
From: FrankRoesch on 2/2/2003
Ole and Sven are neighbors in
Minnesota. Ole is in need of
a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in
Nordakota (that would be 'North Dakota' for you
non-Scandahoovians out there).
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.
Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk.
When he grabs the teat and pulls... the cow farts.
Ole is very surprised.
He looks at the farmer who is
selling the cow, then reaches
under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls,
and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so
after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole
decides to buy the cow and take it home.
When he gets back to Minnesota,
he calls over Sven, and says,
"Hey, Sven, come and look at dis her new cow I yust bought.
Pull her teat, and see vat happens." Sven reaches under,
pulls the teat... and the cow farts.
Sven looks at Ole and says, "You
bought dis here cow in
Nordakota, didn't yah?
Ole is very surprised since he
hadn't told Sven about his
Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."
Subj: The Farter From Sparta (S282)
From: dogbyte on 6/28/2002
There was a young fellow from
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.
This sparkling young farter from
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.
Nobody could play the classics
As he showed me one day in the diner.
I had a bagel with lox
while he played from his buttocks:
Chopin's Etude #12 in C-minor.
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!
He was great in the Christmas
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.
Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He'd proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.
His reportoire ranged from classics
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.
His basso profundo with timbre
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.
One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.
It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.
The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with his ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.
His bunghole was blown back to
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."
Subj: Fart Football (S275c, S839)
From: gheckman on 12/6/2001
and From: CKButch4Femme on 2/6/2012
An old man and his wife have
gone to bed. After laying
there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven
His wife rolls over and says,
"What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later the wife
lets one go and says,
"Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old
man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be out done the wife rips
another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets
out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressures on and the
old man refuses to get
beat by a woman, so he strains real hard but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it
everything he has but instead of farting he craps the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, switch sides."
Subj: Kids are a Gas! (S165, S514)
From: zeise on 2/18/00
and From: darrell94590 on 11/26/2006
(Also see 'Smelling Poop At Taco Bell' in Facts2)
Have you ever asked your child
a question too many times?
I hope you remember my story when they start getting
My three year old son had a lot
of problems with potty
training, and I was on his case constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining
room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven month old daughter, and
she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked
to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said "No."
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that
child has had an accident
and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Matt,
are you sure you did not have an accident?"
"No," he replied, but I knew
that he must have, because
the smell was getting worse.
I asked one more time, "Matt,
did you have an accident?"
This time, with a little smirk on his face, he jumped up,
yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and
yelled: "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST GAS!!" While 100 people
nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up
his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing
I was mortified, but some kind
elderly people made me feel
a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the
best laugh they had ever had.
Another old gentleman stopped
us in the parking lot as we
were leaving, bent over to my son and said, "Don't worry
son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time. I
just never had the nerve to make the point like you did."
Subj: Three Woman Share An Elevator (S285b)
From: thebartend on 7/6/99
and From: coreymac on 7/13/2002
An old woman is riding in an
elevator in a very lavish New
York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets
into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She
turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by
Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful
woman gets on the elevator,
and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying,
"Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the
old woman has reached her
destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before
she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then
bends over and farts and says ... "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."
Three Woman Share An Elevator II (S493d)
Cute SWF movie. You can
view it at the source above, or
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Hillary And Janet Girl Talk (S98)
From: thebartend on 98-12-11
First Lady Hillary Clinton and
Attorney General Janet Reno
were having one of those girl to girl talks............
Hillary says to Janet, "You're
lucky that you don't have
to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up
with Bill....and there's no telling where he last had his
Janet responded..."Just because
I am esthetically challenged
(that's "politically correct" for ugly), doesn't mean I don't
have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."
Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"
Janet says, "Whenever I feel
that a guy's getting ready to
make a pass me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the
loudest, nastiest fart I can."
Well, that night, Bill was already
in bed with the lights
out when Hillary headed to bed. She could hear him start
to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action.
She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for
him.....so, she tensed up her butt cheeks and forced
out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.
Bill rolls over and asks, "That you Janet?"
Subj: Device Reduces Flatulence Odor (S77)
From: smiles on 98-07-18
NEW YORK, Jul 16, 1998 (Reuters)
-- A polyurethane foam
cushion coated with activated charcoal can help people who
suffer from flatulence by absorbing offensive odors,
according to US researchers.
The device, known as the "Toot
Trapper" eliminated over 90%
of the odor generated by study volunteers whose diets had
been supplemented with pinto beans and lactulose, which
enhance flatus output and produces the gas hydrogen
Hydrogen sulphide is one of several
gases that have been found to cause the odor associated
"The charcoal-lined cushion effectively
limits the escape
of these sulphur-containing gases into the environment,"
write F.L. Suarez and colleagues of the Minneapolis
Veterans Affairs Medical Center, Minnesota, in a report
in the journal Gut, published by the British Medical
Study subjects ate 200 grams
of pinto beans on the night
before the study plus 15 grams of lactulose 2 hours before
gas collections. Researchers collected flatus via rectal
tubes from 16 healthy subjects age 18 to 47 with no
history of gastrointestinal disease or antibiotic use
(which can disrupt gut bacteria) for the preceding 3
The concentrations of sulphur-containing
correlated with odor intensity assessed by two judges.
Odor intensity was also determined after treatment of
flatus samples with zinc acetate or activated charcoal.
Gas tight pantaloons were also used in the study to
assess the ability of a charcoal-lined cushion to absorb
Study results showed that the
main sulphur-containing gas
was indeed hydrogen sulphide, and that the strength of
odor correlated with hydrogen sulfide concentration.
Zinc acetate was found to reduce
sulphur gas content, but
the researchers found that activated charcoal was more
effective in eliminating odor caused by the gas.
"The demonstration that activated
charcoal and zinc remove
sulphur gases and eliminate the offensive odour of flatus
suggests that these products, used either internally or
externally (around the anus), could have therapeutic
potential for individuals suffering from excessive
offensive rectal gas," the authors conclude.
According to the report, the
Toot Trapper, a foam cushion
with a coating of charcoal on one side, is manufactured by
UltraTech Products, based in Houston, Texas.
The researchers also report that
women have a higher
concentration of hydrogen sulphide in flatus "and a
greater odour intensity" than men. "However, men tended
to pass higher volumes of gas than did women. As a result,
the volume of sulphur gases (in flatus)... did not differ
between men and women," they note.
SOURCE: Gut 1998;43:100-104.
Subj: Old Lady Sees Doctor About Farting (S71, S433)
From: auntieg on 98-06-06
A little old lady goes to the
doctor and says, "Doctor I
have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me
too much. My flatulence never smells and it is always
silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times
since I've been here in your office.
You didn't know I was farting
because they don't smell and
The doctor says, "I see, take
these pills and come back to
see me next week."
The next week the lady comes
back. "Doctor," she says, "I
don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...
although still silent...stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now
that we've cleared up your
sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Subj: A Man Who Loved Beans (S38, S744)
From: rfslick on 1/11/2008
and From: email@example.com on 4/17/2011
Once upon a time there lived
a man who had a terrible
passion for baked beans. He loved them, he adored them,
he yearned for them. But they always caused him a great
deal of embarrassment shortly after eating them. The
reaction of his body to the beans was swift and terrible
One day he met a girl and fell
in love. When it became
apparent that they would marry, he realized she might be
even more embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to
baked beans. He decided to make the supreme sacrifice and
give up his beloved baked beans. A short time later they
Some months later, on his way
home from work, his car
broke down. He was not too far from home so he decided to
leave the car and walk the rest of the way. He passed a
small roadside cafe and decided to call his wife and tell
her that he would be late for supper. As he entered the
cafe, the smell of baked beans over him. After calling
his wife he ordered a bowl of beans. The beans tasted
better than any he had ever eaten, so he had a second bowl
and a third and a fourth until he passed gass. Like a
drunk who just fell off the wagon, he knew he was in
trouble. After leaving the cafe he walked home real
The farts came often and with
a terrible oder. The
closer to home, the frequency and forcefulness diminished
greatly, and he felt reasonably safe.
Just as he reached his home,
however, he felt a great
rumbling inside and was seized with a terrible urgency.
As he waited just outside his front door to release one
last effort, his wife threw open the door. She excitedly
exclaimed, "Darling, I have made the most wonderful
surprise dinner for you." She blindfolded him and led him
to his chair at the head of the table. Just as she was
ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She made
him promise not to peek until she returned and went to
answer the phone.
When she had gone, he seized
the opportunity, shifted his
weight to one leg and loudly broke wind. It was not only
loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he took his napkin and began to fan the air
about him. He just started feeling better when he felt
another urge. He again raised one leg and let her rip.
It sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started
gagging. He fanned until his arms ached. Things had just
about returned to normal when he felt another powerful
urge. He shifted his weight to the other leg and let go.
This was the prize-winner. The windows rattled, the
dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers
on the table were dead.
While keeping one ear on the
conversation in the hallway,
he continued like this for the next 15 or 20 minutes,
fanning away each time with his napkin. When the sounds
of farewells indicated the end of the telephone conver-
sation, he neatly laid his napkin in his lap and folded
his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the
picture of innocence when his wife returned to the room.
Apologizing for talking so long,
she asked if he had
peeked. After assuring her that he had not, she removed
the blindfold, revealing the dinner guests seated around
the table for his surprise birthday party!
Subj: The Priest Breaks Wind (S150, S509)
From: KMacinty on 12/13/1999
and From: vaterbenicia on 10/23/2006
The local priest goes over to
an old parishoner's house for
a chat and a cup of tea. He's there for half an hour when
he has a huge need to fart. Luckily he notices that the
old guy's dog has come over and is lying under his chair.
Maybe, he figures, the old guy will think the dog farted.
He sneaks out a fart and soon
a horrible smell filles the
"Rover!!", yells the old man.
"Get out of there you stupid
The dog runs out and the priest
is relieved. About five
minutes later the dog returns and not long after that the
priest has to fart again. He lets another one go. It's
one of those thick smelly ones that seem to cling to the
"Rover!!! You stupid dog!!!
Get out from there!!!" yells
the old guy and the dog takes off.
About five minutes later the
priest has to fart again. He
holds on for about ten minutes until the dog returns and
lies under his chair again. Again he lets go a fart that
would bring tears to your eyes.
"ROVER!!!!". yells the old bloke,
"YOU STUPID DOG!!!! GET
OUT FROM UNDER THERE BEFORE HE SHITS ON YOU!!!"
Subj: Life In A Fish Bowl (S489)
From: darrell94590 on 6/9/2006
Subj: Farting Your Guts Out (S220)
From: Vegas Jokes Archive on 06/27/97
and From: gheckman on 3/14/2001
There was an old
married couple that had happily lived
together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their
marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind
nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always
wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water
as she would choke and gasp for air.
Nearly every morning
she would plead with him to stop
ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't
help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything
could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told
her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he
would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away
with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural
about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart
his guts out".
The years went by
and the wife continued to suffer and the
husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his
guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the
wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed
pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey.
While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought
occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's
With a devilish
grin on her face, she placed the turkey
guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her
flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly
asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled
back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the
turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up,
replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish
preparing the family meal.
Several hours later
she heard her husband awake with his
normal loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a
blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as
her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.
The wife could not
control herself and her eyes began to
tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of
putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About
twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes.
She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what
was the matter.
He said, "Honey,
you were right - all those years you
warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well you always
told me that I would end up farting my
guts out one of these days and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I
got 'em all back in."
Subj: International Fart Glossary
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #187
"Old Faithful" - Mostly a smelly
one. Stays with his creator
for a long time. It occurs when you enter a restaurant/
meeting/church/party/etc. You deflate outside, enter the
location and right in the moment when you greet the most
important person/most beautiful woman in the group, it?s
right there to do its job.
"Between the Sheets" - Mostly
harmless if you are alone,
great fun if you can share it with someone. Develops its
full potential under the cover and is released by a
"random" move. Watch that it exits towards other person.
Under all circumstances hold back enjoyment until released.
"The Getaway" - It just simply
slips out. You don?t feel
it coming, you don?t have to, all of a sudden it?s there.
No smell, no extreme noise, just a little, mean "pfffrrrt".
Occurs when you bend down, kneel down, carry heavy, sneeze
(double audio pleasure), blow your nose (mean sucker, because
YOU don?t here or feel it yourself). If it happens to you,
just act normally as if nothing has happened.
"Pathfinder" - Sits in the tubes
just waiting for some room
to move (Or in football-terms: He is looking for daylight).
Happens when you burp, pee or deliver some clay at the
"Double trouble" - Extreme noise
and violent smell, but
would kill you if holded back. High pressure, no chance
of interrupting. Most of the time happens in public, e.g.
public toilets (more volume) or at somebody elses bathroom
during dinner, so that when you come back the women can?t
look at you and the guys laugh.
"Pretender" - Comes in two flavours
"Sound" or "Smell".
You feel it coming. You are in public. You give it a test
shot to monitor its behaviour (sound or smell). It is
perfectly ok. You open all valves and he shows his real
face. Big trouble.
Subj: Three Eskimos Brag (S39)
From: The Bartenders Joke of the day on 20 Oct 97
There were three Eskimos in Alaska,
and one time while they
were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold
it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could
agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so
they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's
igloo, where he said "Watch
this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the
water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not
bad", said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their
igloo was colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo's
igloo, and he said "Watch
this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his
breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow,
that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.
But the third Eskimo exclaimed
his was colder still. So
they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch
this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick
furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice
there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match
When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".
Subj: Short Farting Jokes
The Ring Of Fire (S579c,d)
From: gordonschuk on 2/20/2008
(See 'Vince Mira Sings Ring Of Fire' in Music-Supp
Subj: Star Trek's Gaseous Cloud (S253b)
From: jerry on 11/28/2001
"Let me tell you what's so outrageous - why would he assume
it's me and not Leonard?" Comment made by William Shatner
("Captain Kirk" ) on the Howard Stern radio show when asked
about the apparent sound of someone breaking wind during a
videotaped interview between himself and Leonard Nimoy ("Mr.
Spock") and the assertion of Adam Buckman, a columnist for
the NY Post, that he was the one who had the gas experience.
And what says Adam Buckman?
"No matter what William Shatner
says, I stand by my story - only not too closely."
NY Post 21-Nov-01
Tooted In The Tub (S536b,d)
Subj: Woman Explodes During Operation (S161)
From: KMacinty on 12/14/1999
An operation at Nottingham hospital in January 1989 ended
prematurely when the patient exploded. The casualty, an
82-year-old woman, was undergoing electrosurgery for cancer.
The blast was attributed to an unusual build-up of stomach
gases ignited by the sparks.
Bed Farts (S530c,d)
From: Chewy Central
Subj: Fart Artiste (S298b)
From: jerry on 10/13/2002
Paul Oldfield of the UK, a self-proclaimed "fart artiste"
who goes by the name "Mr. Methane" and who makes a living
playing tunes from his butt says he is sick of people
blaming him for increasing greenhouse gases. To "balance
out the damage" he has switched from using gas and coal-
based power in his home to wind power.
Wireless News Flash 10-Oct-02
Bad Timing (S495b, S839d)
Subj: Scratch And Sniff Webpage (S324b)
From: JOELFALLON on 4/14/2003
The first scratch and sniff Webpage. Click on
the above source to test this new technilogy.
Farting Dog Harmonics (S491c,d)
From: Life Is A Joke
Subj: Sometimes You Will... (S239b, S488b)
From: KMACINTY on 8/28/2001
and From: jbcary1 on 6/1/2006
Sometimes you will cry
and no one will see your tears...
Sometimes you will laugh
and no one will see you smile...
Sometimes you will fear
and no one will see you shudder...
Sometimes you will lie
and no one will catch you up...
Sometimes you will fall
and no one sees you struggle...
Sometimes you will be late
and no one seems to notice...
But fart just one time
and everybody knows!!
Fart Within The Matrix (S483d)
Subj: Silent Fart (S469b, S615)
From: Dickschu on 1/24/2006
and From: tom on 10/8/2008
An elderly couple was attending church services. About
halfway through the service she leans over and says, "I
just had a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
He replies " Put a new battery
in your hearing aid."
Don't Hold Farts In (S432d)
What common everyday occurrence
is composed of 59% nitrogen,
21% hydrogen and 9% dioxide?
From: humorlist-digest V1 #200 on 97-09-17
Everyone farts, admit it or not. Kings fart, queens fart. Edward
Lear, the 19th century English landscape painter, wrote
affectionately of a favorite Duchess who gave enormous dinner
parties attended by the cream of society.
One night she let out a ripper
and quick as a flash she turned
her gaze to her stoic butler, standing, as always, behind her.
"Hawkins!" she cried, "Stop that!"
"Certainly, your Grace", he replied
with unhurried dignity,
"Which way did it go?"
From: humorlist-digest V2 #218 on 98-09-15
I don't think passing gas would be as funny if it were just
the sound or just the smell. It's the *combination* that
makes it funny.
Q: What do you call a guy who
never farts in public?
A: A private tutor. -- Eric Prestel
From: dogbyte on 8/30/2001 (S240)
People who say that they don't fart are...
probably full of hot air.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #178
Q: Why do men fart more than women?
A: Because women won't shut up long enough
to build up pressure.
Subj: Beverage From A Foreign Country (S376b)
From: drgolfmd on 4/9/2004
.............................Smiley Farts from Smiley_Central.