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Subj:     Jokes About Fucking
                 (Includes 12 jokes and articles, 28829n,5,no ads,tb,md,3)

Sexy Dancer  from
Animated GIF Archive
Includes the following:..David Letterman - Harrison Ford Tells A Joke - Movie (S758)
.........................The Dr. Seuss Purity Test (S191, S633b)
.........................FUCK! Our Most Versatile Word III (S547, S778)
.........................FUCK! Our Most Versatile Word (S281)
.........................FUCK! Our Most Versatile Word II (S492)
..............................Twenty Famous Uses Of The "F" Word In History (S699b)
.........................Couple Shares Bed w/Friend (S244, DU)
.........................Word Exchange (DU)
.........................Famous Fucking Quotes (S191, S660)
.........................How To Get Laid (S42, S696)
.........................Short Fucking Jokes
..............................Fucking, Austria (S535b)
..............................Give-A_Fuck-O-Meter

Also see CAMEL file   - 'The Llama Movie'
         CARS2 file   - 'Guy Gets Help During Car Sex'
         COWS_SHEEP   - 'Stud Bulls At The State Fair'
         FACTS3 file  - 'Faux Cue'
         FACTS5 file  - 'African's Thoughts on Condoms And Aids'
         IRISH1 file  - 'Paul McCartney Tells A Dirty Joke' - Movie
         ITALIAN file - 'French, Italian, And American Discuss Sex W/Wives'
......................- 'Paolo The Carpenter'
         JOBS1 file   - 'Pickle Factory Worker Fired'
         JOB-STUFF    - 'Sales Methods'
         MARRIAGE2    - 'Husband To Die Tonight'
         MOVIE_ETC-SUP- 'Playing Your Trumpet In A Movie'
         PUSSY-SUPP   - 'Doctor Finds A Growth' - Porn Video
.........RATS-MICE    - 'Sex Maniac Mouse'
         REDNECK-SUPP - 'Sheep Lovers - Cartoon'
         SEX-SUPP     - 'Screwing Twins'
         THANKSGIVING - 'Learning Dirty Words On Thanksgiving'
         WORD JOKES1  - 'The Meaning Of Service'
============================================================Top
Subj:     David Letterman - Harrison Ford Tells A Joke (S758d)
          From: Mr. Anonymous
          on 7/22/2011
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jXTqOall4U
 Source2: http://www.cbs.com/late_night/late_show/video/
 (See 'Fries From Jack In The Box' in Food_Etc2)

 On July 21,2011, Harrison Ford appeared on Late Show w/David
 Letterman.  Click on either source, or 'HERE' for my copy,
 to hear Harrison tell the joke about a lady in a grocery
 store who wanted to buy some broccoli.

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Subj:     The Dr. Seuss Purity Test (S191, S633b)

 If you've been on the internet for long, you've invariably
 seen one of the many "Purity Tests" that circulate around
 the net, especially around the .edu sites.  Here, for you,
 is one of the most interesting I've seen ...

             The Dr. Seuss Purity Test

             Have you done it on a boat?
             Have you done it with a goat?

             Have you done it in a bed?
             Have you done it with the dead?

             Have you done it in the ass?
             Have you done it, high on grass?

             Have you done it in the car?
             Have you simply gone too far?

             Have you done it on the beach?
             Have you done it with the teach?

             Have you done it on your back?
             Have you done it strapped to a rack?

             Have you done it in a box?
             Have you done it with a fox?

             Have you done it in a tree?
             Have you done it with more than three?

             Have you done it in the rain?
             Have you done it for the pain?

             Have you done it 'tween the tits?
             Have you done it wearing mitts?

             Have you done it packed in rubber?
             Have you done it undercover?

             Have you done it on a perch?
             Have you done it in a church?

             Have you done it with a virgin?
             Have you done it with a sturgeon?

             Have you done it with ropes and chains?
             Have you done it while insane?

             Have you done it on the stage?
             Have you done it underage?

             Have you done it with all your friends?
             Have you done it in both ends?

             Have you done it with your dog?
             Have you done it on a log?

             Have you done it under clamps?
             Have you done it with the lamps?

             Have you done it without style?
             Have you done it up a mile?

             Have you done it for all to see?
             Have you ever had VD?

             Have you done it on Mother's couch?
             Have you done it in your mouth?

             Have you done it while on tape?
             Have you done it out of shape?

             Have you done it on live TV?
             Have you done it whilst you pee?

             Have you done it in the gym?
             Have you done it on a whim?

             Have you done it on a dare?
             Do you really think we care?

             Answer these and count your "no"s,
             pray this number never grows.
             Fifty questions we asked thee,
             score times two is thy Purity.

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Subj:     FUCK! Our Most Versatile Word III
          From: rfslick on 7/4/07 (S547d)
      and From: lubin100 on 12/10/11 (S778)
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/588ngaryDJo

 This old video describes our most versatile word
 in the English language.  Click 'HERE' to see this
 very funny video.  Watch it till the end for an
 interesting twist.

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Subj:     FUCK! Our Most Versatile Word (S281)
          From: dogbyte on 6/18/2002
          (See 'Shit Is A Powerful Word' in SHIT)

 Our most versatile word.  By its stress and inflection it
 can describe many emotions.  It can be used as a noun (I
 don't give a fuck), as an objective (it's fucked), as a
 verb in it's transitive form (the game was fucked up by
 the weather), and it's intransitive form (I'll be fucked),
 in the present tense (I'm fucked), in the past tense (I
 was fucked).

 It can be an an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in
 John).  It can also be used as an adjective(Mary is fucking
 beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date
 with Mary).

 It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck
 she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few
 words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck".

 Many everyday expresions show it's true versatility ...

 Denial              I didn't fucking do it
 Perplexity          I know fuck all about it
 Apathy              Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?
 Greetings           How the fuck are you
 Resignation         Oh fuck it
 Derision            He fucks everything up
 Suspicion           Who the fuck are you
 Panic               Let's get the fuck out of here
 Directions          Fuck off
 Disbelief           How the fuck did you do that
 Fraud               I got fucked by the car dealer.
 Trouble             I guess I'm fucked now.
 Aggression          FUCK YOU!
 Disgust             Fuck me.
 Confusion           What the fuck.......?
 Difficulty          I don't understand this fucking business!
 Despair             Fucked again...
 Pleasure            I fucking couldn't be happier.
 Displeasure         What the fuck is going on here?
 Lost                Where the fuck are we.
 Disbelief           UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!
 Retaliation          Up your fucking ass!

Subj:     Twenty Famous Uses Of The "F" Word In History (S699b)
          From: tom on 6/4/2010

 The word has been used throughout history by many famous
 people.  Some of the more notable quotations are:

 What the fuck was that
   -- The Mayor of Hiroshima
 Look at all the fucking Indians
   -- General Custer
 Where's all that fucking water come from
   -- Noah
 Any fucker can understand that
   -- Einstien
 It fucking looks like her
   -- Picasso
 Where the fuck are we
   -- Christopher Columbus
 I'm forever blowing bubbles
   -- Michael Jackson
 How the fuck do you work that out
   -- Pythagarus
 You want what on the fucking ceiling
   -- Michael Angelo
 Fuck a duck
   -- Walt Disney
 Why? Because it's fucking there
   -- Sir Edmond Hillary
 I don't suppose it's fucking raining
   -- Joan of Arc
 I didn't want to fucking go anyway
   -- Sebastian Coe
 I haven't got a fucking clue
   -- Miss Marples
 Scattered showers my fucking arse
   -- Noah
 She wants how much fucking money?!?!?
   -- Donald Trump
 Look!  Almost every fucking kernel popped!
   -- Orville Reddenbacher
 We'll fucking smoke those fuckers out of their fucking caves!
   -- George W. Bush

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Subj:     FUCK! Our Most Versatile Word II (S492)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 6/29/2006
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19961207
 

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Subj:     Couple Shares Bed w/Friend (S244, DU)
          From: dogbyte on 9/29/2001

 A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state,
 when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from
 traveling.  Since the couple has no guest room, he states
 his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in
 the morning.

 "Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough
 for all three of us, and we're all friends here."  The
 husband concurs, and before long they're settled in:
 husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his
 right.

 After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife
 sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites
 him to have sex with her.  Naturally, he'd like to, but
 he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband!
 He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

 "Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound
 sleeper, he'll never notice.  If you don't believe me,
 just yank a hair off of his ass. He won't even wake up."

 So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and
 sure enough, she's right.  Her husband sleeps right
 through having a hair yanked out of his ass.  So, she
 and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her
 side of the bed.

 After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his
 side of the bed, asking him to do it again.  The same
 argument follows, another hair is yanked from the
 husband's corn hole, and again they have sex.  This
 keeps up for about half the night, until after about
 the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.

 Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend,
 "I don't mind that you're shagging my wife, but do you
 really have to use my asshole as your scoreboard?"

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Subj:     Word Exchange (DU)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98

 I was sitting through a back-to-school night presentation
 on "Some Tips For Reading Aloud With Your Child", and to
 keep my mind awake, I noticed that if you changed the
 words:

   reading aloud -> fucking
   child         -> partner
   book          -> position
   word          -> body part

 it becomes a sex manual! I present for your edification...

 SOME TIPS FOR FUCKING WITH YOUR PARTNER

 1. Try to set a regular time for fucking.  This might be
    before school or before bedtime.

 2. Select positions that are appropriate for the age and
    interest of your partner.  Start with picture positions
    and build to story positions and novels.

 3. Involve your partner in the fucking by asking him or
    her to predict what will happen next, chime in on
    repetitive phrases, say a body part he or she knows,
    or link the picture to the position.

 4. Engage in discussions about the positions and talk
    about the meaning of some body parts your partner is
    interested in.

 5. From time to time, choose positions to fuck with your
    partner that he or she cannot fuck.

 6. Use lots of expression when you fuck.  Be dramatic when
    you fuck and make the position come to life.

 7. Change the pace of your fucking to match the position.
    If there is suspense in the position, slow down the
    fucking to build the suspense.  If there is a lot of
    action in a part of the fucking, increase the pace for
    effect.

 8. Don't fuck too fast.

 9. Let your partner see you fucking for pleasure at times
    other than when fucking together.  Share what you are
    fucking with your partner.

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Subj:     Famous Fucking Quotes (S191, S660)
          From: CHRISDADDYG on 9/26/00
      and From: tom on 9/4/2009

 "What the fuck was that?"  -- Mayor of Hiroshima
 "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
    -- General Custer
 "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
    -- Captain of the Titanic
 "That's not a real fucking gun."  -- John Lennon
 "Who's gonna fucking find out?"  -- Richard Nixon
 "Heads are going to fucking roll."  -- Anne Boleyn
 "Any fucking idiot could understand that."
    -- Albert Einstein
 "It does so fucking look like her!"  -- Picasso
 "How the fuck did you work that out?"  -- Pythagoras
 "You want what on the fucking ceiling?"  -- Michaelangelo
 "Fuck a duck."  -- Walt Disney
 "Why?- Because its fucking there!"  -- Edmund Hilary
 "I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"  -- Joan of Arc
 "Scattered fucking showers my ass."  -- Noah
 "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
    -- John F. Kennedy
 "Aw, c'mon, who the fuck is going to find out?"
    -- Bill Clinton

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Subj:     How To Get Laid (S42, S696)
          From HumourNet on 04/08/97

 The following piece is an article pirated from a
 1986 issue of Virginia Polytechnic's "Duckberg Times."
 -----
 Final Update's GUY PAGE:
 "All About Cars and Baseball"

 This issue's GUY PAGE is gonna be about baseball and fixing
 cars and stuff, so you girls can go on ahead to the next
 section, okay?

 Are they gone? Good. This issue's topic is HOW TO GET LAID.

 Whenever I venture into the wilds of Virginia or Maryland,
 hordes of wahoos inevitably descend upon me and ask, "Hey
 Buttface, where can we get us some poontang?"  Glancing
 nervously around at their power tools and tobacco-stained
 pink skin, I answer, "Come to Washington!"  And it's true.
 There are so many women in Washington even the Elephant
 Boy could get laid! Willing sex-starved nymphettes are
 waiting for you to cut through the games and the bullshit
 and RUB UP AGAINST THEM NAKED! Even if you are hung like
 a hamster and have never cracked the "60-second barrier,"
 you can now be thrashing about on the exposed parts of
 nubile coeds and yelling "Woo Woo!" whenever you feel
 like it! Daily! Hourly! Just study these simple
 instructions and you'll be on your way to sexual bliss.

 1. YOU HAVE TO GO WHERE THE WOMEN ARE. Face it.  You're
 not going to get the main vein drained hanging around
 the Asteroids machine at the 7-11.  You will have to get
 invited to parties, or else go to bars where women
 congregate.  Bars with live bands are best, because you
 won't have to talk much.  Check the papers for the new-
 wave bars, and for bars near area campuses.  Then go to
 these bars and check them out.  Get the feel of the
 places.  Adjust your mindset to suit your surroundings.
 What kind of people are there?  Is it all fat guys in
 leisure suits with white shoes and belts?  Or is it
 filled with gangs of lust-filled trollops trolling for
 trouser trout?  This is what you want.  As soon as you
 find a bar like this, stop looking.  This is now your
 bar.  Get to know the waitresses and bartenders. Tip
 big so they will pretend to like you.  Memorize their
 names.  Make sure they know yours.  Work at this.  Your
 job now is to lay down the seeds that will make you
 look like a neat guy later, when it counts.  Your
 eventual goal is to be able to walk into the bar and
 have everybody who works there turn around and yell
 "Hi! (your name here)."  This is remarkably effective
 in creating interest among the empty-headed bimbos
 you are trying to attract.

 2. LEARN TO MAKE SMALL TALK. As the guy, you will be
 expected to instigate the conversation.  You have to
 come up with some ice-breaking lines.  Ask her if she
 likes the band, or would like to dance.  However, if
 you are what is known as a "human boner" on the dance
 floor, forget dancing.  Lying can be a very useful
 tool then: Tell her she'd be perfect in the movie you
 are casting.  Tell her you'd like her opinion on what
 type of luxury car you should buy.  You want to come
 across as someone who has gotten rich in an artistic
 field.

 You should be warned here that no matter how slick
 your opening lines are, there are some women who live
 for the chance to verbally chop off a guy's nuts with
 a well-timed put-down. So be prepared.  Women can smell
 fear on a guy like dogs do.  The correct response to
 a woman like this is to chortle knowingly, and amble
 away.  Practice your chortling and ambling.  You have
 to think like "That's the dumbest move SHE ever made!"
 Got the idea?

 Opening lines are like resumes.  You don't want to use
 any buzz words that are gonna shoot you down before you
 get the interview.  Ask her lots of questions about
 herself.  Most girls love to tell their life stories,
 and this will keep the heat off you.  As she talks, try
 and adjust yourself to her karmal wavelength.  Modulate
 your voice to her tone and pace of speech.  This will
 make you seem like more her kind of guy.  Sure it's
 insidious, but this is no time to develop a conscience.
 Remember, your goal here is to have the sperm in your
 body removed by someone else.  If she asks about you,
 subtle innuendoes alluding to vast worlds beyond her
 comprehension are all you want to convey.  If you have
 a shit job, make up another one.

 Also, smile a lot. This must be an honest looking smile,
 not a smile telegraphing your bowel problems.  Give her
 your best fake laughter if she makes a joke.  Defer to
 her expertise on idiotic subjects.

 If you see her interest start to wane, or see her
 scanning the room for other guys, moan and rub your
 back, and tell her you hurt yourself falling out of bed
 last night.  When she asks how--and she will--explain
 you were sleeping on your side and got a hard-on.  Then
 lick your eyebrows suggestively.

 3. DO NOT GET REAL DRUNK EARLY.  It may seem obvious to
 you, but it took me ten years to learn that women don't
 think it's all that attractive when a guy drools all
 over himself and falls into things.  Two or three drinks
 to loosen you up is okay, but resist the urge to drink
 yourself into another dimension.  Buy her $20 drinks
 with palm trees in them, but you have to learn to nurse
 _your_ drinks.  If there aren't any women around, or
 nothing looks promising, then you can get blotto if you
 wanna.  Better yet, go to a different bar, where you'll
 be fresh meat for the sex-starved she-vixens who have
 already checked out the other creeps in the place and
 want... want... well, they don't exactly know WHAT they
 want, but a boffing from a stranger will keep their
 minds occupied for a while.

 4. CLOSING THE DEAL. If you keep this up, sooner or later
 you are bound to find a woman horny enough to stick around
 and give signs that she is interested.  Now you have to
 get her out of there.  If the showpiece of your apartment
 is your Hustler collection, and there are underwear stuck
 to the ceiling, or if you are living at a KOA, you will
 have to talk her into taking you back to her place.  If
 your place is nice, you're in good shape.  Invite her
 over for a drink and to listen to some CDs.  But frankly,
 if you are the typical "Final Update" reader you better
 try and get her back to her place.  Have a bottle of some
 sissy French wine in your car and tell her you want her
 to try it because your dad owns the vineyard.

 Once you're at her place, open the booze and make sure
 she drinks some.  Be cool.  Do NOT bellow like a moose
 and do the Philly Dog.  This comes later.  Sit on the
 couch with her, then get up, and when you come back sit
 closer to her.  Do this two or three times, always
 getting closer.  Touch her and pretend not to notice.
 Finally, when she's facing you and there's a lull in the
 conversation, lean forward and kiss her. If she doesn't
 scream, you've got it made.  Try to think of baseball,
 you'll last longer.

 FU SEX TIP: You must cuddle for a while after you are
 done wanting to.  Try to disguise your shudders of
 revulsion.

 THE AFTERMATH

 Once you have succeeded, one of four things can happen.

 1. YOU LIKE HER--SHE LlKES YOU: You will wake up and feel
 better than you have ever felt before.  You will stop and
 appreciate things you used to ignore, like flowers and
 birds singing.  She'll be very attentive, and you'll agree
 to see each other the following night, and make plans for
 the weekend.  In all honesty, this is about a million-to-
 one shot.

 2. YOU LIKE HER--SHE DOESN'T LlKE YOU: You'll try to arrange
 another date, but she'll be evasive and refuse to make a
 commitment.  You'll call and call, but she'll always be
 busy.  She'll mention other guys.  After a week of constant
 rejection, you'll end up drunk outside her window, smashing
 bottles and screaming her name until the police come.  Or
 she'll open up her blinds and let you watch her having sex
 with a traveling acrobatic team.

 3. SHE LIKES YOU--YOU DON'T LIKE HER: You'll wake up next to
 what appears to be a five-foot iguana.  You'll tiptoe to the
 bathroom, and, when you come back, a seven course breakfast
 will be waiting for you.  She'll be sitting at the table
 reading a "Names for Baby" book.  She'll call you every
 fifteen minutes, at home and at work--friendly at first,
 but then sobbing and threatening suicide.  You will event-
 ually have to change your name and move to Cleveland.

 4. YOU DON'T LIKE HER--SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU:  The true happy
 ending.  Mutual loathing.  If you run into each other, you
 will pretend you've never met.  You got your rocks off, and
 that's the important thing, isn't it?  Of course it is.

 P.S. Hey guys--whatever you do, don't show this to any
 girls!  I got enough problems without all those libbers
 coming down on me! Jeez!  Try peeing on a car hood, lady!
 Remember -- "Brothers are doin' it for themselves!"

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Subj:     Short Fucking Jokes

Top
Subj:     Fucking, Austria (S535b)
          From: SCOTCOB on 4/18/2007
      and From: ginafm on 10/18/2009
 British tourists keep stealing the signs from this
 quaint Austrian village.  To read the article and
 see the pictures on my web site, click 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Give-A_Fuck-O-Meter
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/26/2005
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19980603
 
.
.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #213 on 97-11-29
 Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
 A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

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..............................Two Bananas have fun from Smiliemania.da.
.