Subj: Jokes About Fucking
(Includes 12 jokes and articles, 28829n,5,no ads,tb,md,3)
Sexy Dancer from
Animated GIF Archive
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Subj: Jokes About Fucking (Includes 12 jokes and articles, 28829n,5,no ads,tb,md,3) |
|
Sexy Dancer from Animated GIF Archive |
Also see CAMEL
file - 'The
Llama Movie'
CARS2 file - 'Guy
Gets Help During Car Sex'
COWS_SHEEP - 'Stud
Bulls At The State Fair'
FACTS3 file - 'Faux
Cue'
FACTS5 file - 'African's
Thoughts on Condoms And Aids'
IRISH1 file - 'Paul
McCartney Tells A Dirty Joke' - Movie
ITALIAN file - 'French,
Italian, And American Discuss Sex W/Wives'
......................-
'Paolo
The Carpenter'
JOBS1 file - 'Pickle
Factory Worker Fired'
JOB-STUFF - 'Sales
Methods'
MARRIAGE2 - 'Husband
To Die Tonight'
MOVIE_ETC-SUP- 'Playing
Your Trumpet In A Movie'
PUSSY-SUPP - 'Doctor
Finds A Growth' - Porn Video
.........RATS-MICE
- 'Sex
Maniac Mouse'
REDNECK-SUPP - 'Sheep
Lovers - Cartoon'
SEX-SUPP - 'Screwing
Twins'
THANKSGIVING - 'Learning
Dirty Words On Thanksgiving'
WORD JOKES1 - 'The
Meaning Of Service'
============================================================Top
 |
Subj:
David Letterman - Harrison Ford Tells A Joke (S758d)
From: Mr. Anonymous on 7/22/2011 |
On July
21,2011, Harrison Ford appeared on Late Show w/David
Letterman.
Click on either source, or 'HERE'
for my copy,
to hear
Harrison tell the joke about a lady in a grocery
store
who wanted to buy some broccoli.
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Subj:
The Dr. Seuss Purity Test (S191, S633b)
If you've
been on the internet for long, you've invariably
seen one
of the many "Purity Tests" that circulate around
the net,
especially around the .edu sites. Here, for you,
is one
of the most interesting I've seen ...
The Dr. Seuss Purity Test
Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?
Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?
Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?
Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?
Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?
Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?
Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?
Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?
Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?
Have you done it 'tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?
Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?
Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?
Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?
Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?
Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?
Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?
Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?
Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?
Have you done it without style?
Have you done it up a mile?
Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?
Have you done it on Mother's couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?
Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?
Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?
Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?
Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?
Answer these and count your "no"s,
pray this number never grows.
Fifty questions we asked thee,
score times two is thy Purity.
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| Subj:
FUCK! Our Most Versatile Word III
From: rfslick on 7/4/2007 (S547) and From: lubin100 on 12/10/11 (S778) |
 |
This 3,300
KB movie describes our most versatile word
in the
English language. Click on the above source, or
'HERE'
for my copy to see this very funny video. Watch
it till
the end for an interesting twist.
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Subj:
FUCK! Our Most Versatile Word (S281)
From: dogbyte on 6/18/2002
(See 'Shit
Is A Powerful Word' in SHIT)
Our most
versatile word. By its stress and inflection it
can describe
many emotions. It can be used as a noun (I
don't
give a fuck), as an objective (it's fucked), as a
verb in
it's transitive form (the game was fucked up by
the weather),
and it's intransitive form (I'll be fucked),
in the
present tense (I'm fucked), in the past tense (I
was fucked).
It can
be an an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in
John).
It can also be used as an adjective(Mary is fucking
beautiful)
or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date
with Mary).
It can
even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck
she's
also stupid). As you can see, there are very few
words
with the overall versatility of the word "fuck".
Many everyday expresions show it's true versatility ...
Denial
I didn't fucking do it
Perplexity
I know fuck all about it
Apathy
Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?
Greetings
How the fuck are you
Resignation
Oh fuck it
Derision
He fucks everything up
Suspicion
Who the fuck are you
Panic
Let's get the fuck out of here
Directions
Fuck off
Disbelief
How the fuck did you do that
Fraud
I got fucked by the car dealer.
Trouble
I guess I'm fucked now.
Aggression
FUCK YOU!
Disgust
Fuck me.
Confusion
What the fuck.......?
Difficulty
I don't understand this fucking business!
Despair
Fucked again...
Pleasure
I fucking couldn't be happier.
Displeasure
What the fuck is going on here?
Lost
Where the fuck are we.
Disbelief
UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!
Retaliation
Up your fucking ass!
Subj:
Twenty Famous Uses Of The "F" Word In History (S699b)
From: tom on 6/4/2010
The word
has been used throughout history by many famous
people.
Some of the more notable quotations are:
What the
fuck was that
-- The Mayor of Hiroshima
Look at
all the fucking Indians
-- General Custer
Where's
all that fucking water come from
-- Noah
Any fucker
can understand that
-- Einstien
It fucking
looks like her
-- Picasso
Where
the fuck are we
-- Christopher Columbus
I'm forever
blowing bubbles
-- Michael Jackson
How the
fuck do you work that out
-- Pythagarus
You want
what on the fucking ceiling
-- Michael Angelo
Fuck a
duck
-- Walt Disney
Why? Because
it's fucking there
-- Sir Edmond Hillary
I don't
suppose it's fucking raining
-- Joan of Arc
I didn't
want to fucking go anyway
-- Sebastian Coe
I haven't
got a fucking clue
-- Miss Marples
Scattered
showers my fucking arse
-- Noah
She wants
how much fucking money?!?!?
-- Donald Trump
Look!
Almost every fucking kernel popped!
-- Orville Reddenbacher
We'll
fucking smoke those fuckers out of their fucking caves!
-- George W. Bush
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Subj:
FUCK! Our Most Versatile Word II (S492)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 6/29/2006
Source:
http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19961207
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Subj:
Couple Shares Bed w/Friend (S244, DU)
From: dogbyte on 9/29/2001
A couple
has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state,
when an
unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from
traveling.
Since the couple has no guest room, he states
his intention
to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in
the morning.
"Nonsense,"
says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough
for all
three of us, and we're all friends here." The
husband
concurs, and before long they're settled in:
husband
in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his
right.
After a
while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife
sneaks
over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites
him to
have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but
he's reluctant.
"We're in the same bed with your husband!
He'll
wake up, and he'll kill me."
"Don't
worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound
sleeper,
he'll never notice. If you don't believe me,
just yank
a hair off of his ass. He won't even wake up."
So the
friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and
sure enough,
she's right. Her husband sleeps right
through
having a hair yanked out of his ass. So, she
and the
friend have sex, and then she goes back to her
side of
the bed.
After about
twenty minutes, though, she's back on his
side of
the bed, asking him to do it again. The same
argument
follows, another hair is yanked from the
husband's
corn hole, and again they have sex. This
keeps
up for about half the night, until after about
the sixth
time, when the wife goes back to her side.
Then the
husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend,
"I don't
mind that you're shagging my wife, but do you
really
have to use my asshole as your scoreboard?"
\\\//
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Subj:
Word Exchange (DU)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
I was sitting
through a back-to-school night presentation
on "Some
Tips For Reading Aloud With Your Child", and to
keep my
mind awake, I noticed that if you changed the
words:
reading aloud -> fucking
child -> partner
book -> position
word -> body part
it becomes a sex manual! I present for your edification...
SOME TIPS FOR FUCKING WITH YOUR PARTNER
1. Try
to set a regular time for fucking. This might be
before school or before bedtime.
2. Select
positions that are appropriate for the age and
interest of your partner. Start with picture positions
and build to story positions and novels.
3. Involve
your partner in the fucking by asking him or
her to predict what will happen next, chime in on
repetitive phrases, say a body part he or she knows,
or link the picture to the position.
4. Engage
in discussions about the positions and talk
about the meaning of some body parts your partner is
interested in.
5. From
time to time, choose positions to fuck with your
partner that he or she cannot fuck.
6. Use
lots of expression when you fuck. Be dramatic when
you fuck and make the position come to life.
7. Change
the pace of your fucking to match the position.
If there is suspense in the position, slow down the
fucking to build the suspense. If there is a lot of
action in a part of the fucking, increase the pace for
effect.
8. Don't fuck too fast.
9. Let
your partner see you fucking for pleasure at times
other than when fucking together. Share what you are
fucking with your partner.
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Subj:
Famous Fucking Quotes (S191, S660)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 9/26/00
and From: tom on 9/4/2009
"What the
fuck was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where
did all these fucking Indians come from?"
-- General Custer
"Where
the fuck is all this water coming from?"
-- Captain of the Titanic
"That's
not a real fucking gun." -- John Lennon
"Who's
gonna fucking find out?" -- Richard Nixon
"Heads
are going to fucking roll." -- Anne Boleyn
"Any fucking
idiot could understand that."
-- Albert Einstein
"It does
so fucking look like her!" -- Picasso
"How the
fuck did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras
"You want
what on the fucking ceiling?" -- Michaelangelo
"Fuck
a duck." -- Walt Disney
"Why?-
Because its fucking there!" -- Edmund Hilary
"I don't
suppose its gonna fucking rain?" -- Joan of Arc
"Scattered
fucking showers my ass." -- Noah
"I need
this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
-- John F. Kennedy
"Aw, c'mon,
who the fuck is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton
\\\//
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Subj:
How To Get Laid (S42, S696)
From HumourNet on 04/08/97
The following
piece is an article pirated from a
1986 issue
of Virginia Polytechnic's "Duckberg Times."
-----
Final
Update's GUY PAGE:
"All About
Cars and Baseball"
This issue's
GUY PAGE is gonna be about baseball and fixing
cars and
stuff, so you girls can go on ahead to the next
section,
okay?
Are they gone? Good. This issue's topic is HOW TO GET LAID.
Whenever
I venture into the wilds of Virginia or Maryland,
hordes
of wahoos inevitably descend upon me and ask, "Hey
Buttface,
where can we get us some poontang?" Glancing
nervously
around at their power tools and tobacco-stained
pink skin,
I answer, "Come to Washington!" And it's true.
There
are so many women in Washington even the Elephant
Boy could
get laid! Willing sex-starved nymphettes are
waiting
for you to cut through the games and the bullshit
and RUB
UP AGAINST THEM NAKED! Even if you are hung like
a hamster
and have never cracked the "60-second barrier,"
you can
now be thrashing about on the exposed parts of
nubile
coeds and yelling "Woo Woo!" whenever you feel
like it!
Daily! Hourly! Just study these simple
instructions
and you'll be on your way to sexual bliss.
1. YOU
HAVE TO GO WHERE THE WOMEN ARE. Face it. You're
not going
to get the main vein drained hanging around
the Asteroids
machine at the 7-11. You will have to get
invited
to parties, or else go to bars where women
congregate.
Bars with live bands are best, because you
won't
have to talk much. Check the papers for the new-
wave bars,
and for bars near area campuses. Then go to
these
bars and check them out. Get the feel of the
places.
Adjust your mindset to suit your surroundings.
What kind
of people are there? Is it all fat guys in
leisure
suits with white shoes and belts? Or is it
filled
with gangs of lust-filled trollops trolling for
trouser
trout? This is what you want. As soon as you
find a
bar like this, stop looking. This is now your
bar.
Get to know the waitresses and bartenders. Tip
big so
they will pretend to like you. Memorize their
names.
Make sure they know yours. Work at this. Your
job now
is to lay down the seeds that will make you
look like
a neat guy later, when it counts. Your
eventual
goal is to be able to walk into the bar and
have everybody
who works there turn around and yell
"Hi! (your
name here)." This is remarkably effective
in creating
interest among the empty-headed bimbos
you are
trying to attract.
2. LEARN
TO MAKE SMALL TALK. As the guy, you will be
expected
to instigate the conversation. You have to
come up
with some ice-breaking lines. Ask her if she
likes
the band, or would like to dance. However, if
you are
what is known as a "human boner" on the dance
floor,
forget dancing. Lying can be a very useful
tool then:
Tell her she'd be perfect in the movie you
are casting.
Tell her you'd like her opinion on what
type of
luxury car you should buy. You want to come
across
as someone who has gotten rich in an artistic
field.
You should
be warned here that no matter how slick
your opening
lines are, there are some women who live
for the
chance to verbally chop off a guy's nuts with
a well-timed
put-down. So be prepared. Women can smell
fear on
a guy like dogs do. The correct response to
a woman
like this is to chortle knowingly, and amble
away.
Practice your chortling and ambling. You have
to think
like "That's the dumbest move SHE ever made!"
Got the
idea?
Opening
lines are like resumes. You don't want to use
any buzz
words that are gonna shoot you down before you
get the
interview. Ask her lots of questions about
herself.
Most girls love to tell their life stories,
and this
will keep the heat off you. As she talks, try
and adjust
yourself to her karmal wavelength. Modulate
your voice
to her tone and pace of speech. This will
make you
seem like more her kind of guy. Sure it's
insidious,
but this is no time to develop a conscience.
Remember,
your goal here is to have the sperm in your
body removed
by someone else. If she asks about you,
subtle
innuendoes alluding to vast worlds beyond her
comprehension
are all you want to convey. If you have
a shit
job, make up another one.
Also, smile
a lot. This must be an honest looking smile,
not a
smile telegraphing your bowel problems. Give her
your best
fake laughter if she makes a joke. Defer to
her expertise
on idiotic subjects.
If you
see her interest start to wane, or see her
scanning
the room for other guys, moan and rub your
back,
and tell her you hurt yourself falling out of bed
last night.
When she asks how--and she will--explain
you were
sleeping on your side and got a hard-on. Then
lick your
eyebrows suggestively.
3. DO NOT
GET REAL DRUNK EARLY. It may seem obvious to
you, but
it took me ten years to learn that women don't
think
it's all that attractive when a guy drools all
over himself
and falls into things. Two or three drinks
to loosen
you up is okay, but resist the urge to drink
yourself
into another dimension. Buy her $20 drinks
with palm
trees in them, but you have to learn to nurse
_your_
drinks. If there aren't any women around, or
nothing
looks promising, then you can get blotto if you
wanna.
Better yet, go to a different bar, where you'll
be fresh
meat for the sex-starved she-vixens who have
already
checked out the other creeps in the place and
want...
want... well, they don't exactly know WHAT they
want,
but a boffing from a stranger will keep their
minds
occupied for a while.
4. CLOSING
THE DEAL. If you keep this up, sooner or later
you are
bound to find a woman horny enough to stick around
and give
signs that she is interested. Now you have to
get her
out of there. If the showpiece of your apartment
is your
Hustler collection, and there are underwear stuck
to the
ceiling, or if you are living at a KOA, you will
have to
talk her into taking you back to her place. If
your place
is nice, you're in good shape. Invite her
over for
a drink and to listen to some CDs. But frankly,
if you
are the typical "Final Update" reader you better
try and
get her back to her place. Have a bottle of some
sissy
French wine in your car and tell her you want her
to try
it because your dad owns the vineyard.
Once you're
at her place, open the booze and make sure
she drinks
some. Be cool. Do NOT bellow like a moose
and do
the Philly Dog. This comes later. Sit on the
couch
with her, then get up, and when you come back sit
closer
to her. Do this two or three times, always
getting
closer. Touch her and pretend not to notice.
Finally,
when she's facing you and there's a lull in the
conversation,
lean forward and kiss her. If she doesn't
scream,
you've got it made. Try to think of baseball,
you'll
last longer.
FU SEX
TIP: You must cuddle for a while after you are
done wanting
to. Try to disguise your shudders of
revulsion.
THE AFTERMATH
Once you have succeeded, one of four things can happen.
1. YOU
LIKE HER--SHE LlKES YOU: You will wake up and feel
better
than you have ever felt before. You will stop and
appreciate
things you used to ignore, like flowers and
birds
singing. She'll be very attentive, and you'll agree
to see
each other the following night, and make plans for
the weekend.
In all honesty, this is about a million-to-
one shot.
2. YOU
LIKE HER--SHE DOESN'T LlKE YOU: You'll try to arrange
another
date, but she'll be evasive and refuse to make a
commitment.
You'll call and call, but she'll always be
busy.
She'll mention other guys. After a week of constant
rejection,
you'll end up drunk outside her window, smashing
bottles
and screaming her name until the police come. Or
she'll
open up her blinds and let you watch her having sex
with a
traveling acrobatic team.
3. SHE
LIKES YOU--YOU DON'T LIKE HER: You'll wake up next to
what appears
to be a five-foot iguana. You'll tiptoe to the
bathroom,
and, when you come back, a seven course breakfast
will be
waiting for you. She'll be sitting at the table
reading
a "Names for Baby" book. She'll call you every
fifteen
minutes, at home and at work--friendly at first,
but then
sobbing and threatening suicide. You will event-
ually
have to change your name and move to Cleveland.
4. YOU
DON'T LIKE HER--SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU: The true happy
ending.
Mutual loathing. If you run into each other, you
will pretend
you've never met. You got your rocks off, and
that's
the important thing, isn't it? Of course it is.
P.S. Hey
guys--whatever you do, don't show this to any
girls!
I got enough problems without all those libbers
coming
down on me! Jeez! Try peeing on a car hood, lady!
Remember
-- "Brothers are doin' it for themselves!"
\\\//
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Subj:
Short Fucking Jokes
| Subj:
Fucking, Austria (S535b)
From: SCOTCOB on 4/18/2007 and From: ginafm on 10/18/2009 |
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Top
Subj:
Give-A_Fuck-O-Meter
From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/26/2005
Source:
http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19980603
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.
............................
..Two
Bananas have fun from Smiliemania.da.
.