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>>>
Subj:     Hooker Jokes
                 (Includes 48 jokes and articles, 07 1016,3,no ads,vXT3,3)

Neon Hooker from
Best Animations
Includes the following:  The Animals - House of the Rising Sun - Video (S1016)
.........................Old Man Wants To See Natalie (S221, S670)
.........................Barmaid Does Sex For Money (S286b, S543)
.........................Streetwalker Sees Her Doctor (S311, DU)
.........................Streets Of New York (S235, DU)
.........................Apartment For Rent (S221, S618b)
.........................Little Boy Goes To Brothel (S170, DU)
.........................Three Hookers Talk (S157, DU)
.........................A House With A Red Light (S80, DU)
.........................Little Johnny And His Mother's Occupation (DU)
.........................Men Of Cloth Enter Brothel (S54, S642)
.........................Man Picks Ex-Teacher At Brothel (S52)
.........................Man Goes To High Class Brothel
.........................The Bloke And The Hooker On The Street (S39, S704)
.........................Ameriquest's Concert - Video (S581)
.........................Husband And Wife Need Extea Income (S08)
.........................The Whore, The Accountant, And Chicken Farming
.........................Mother, Daughter, And The Cabbie (S11, S368b)
.........................Boy And Girl Have Sex (S314b)
.........................Farmer's Son's First Time At Brothel
.........................Lumberjack Goes To A Brothel (S252b, S485)
.........................Trucker Man Goes To A Brothel (S219, S819)
.........................Union Man Goes To A Brothel (S13, S566)
.........................Doing It On Brothel Roof (S150)
.........................Man Offers A Millon Dollars
.........................Getting A Disease At A Whore House
.........................Woman Gets Shoes For Sex
.........................Brothel On Top Of A Mountain
.........................Short Whore Jokes
..............................Price War (S483)
..............................Cheap Hooker Arrested (S280)
..............................Two Car Salesmen Talk In A Bar (S279b)
..............................Cancer Victim Gets Lade (S256b)
..............................HMO Pays For Sex (S248)

Also see BARBER file  - 'Bush And Clinton At The Barbershop'
         BIRDS-CHICKEN- 'A Guy Mates A Chicken'
         BIRDS-PARROTS- 'Parrot Goes To Whore House'
......................- 'Parrot From A Whore House'
         CAMEL file   - 'Commander Has Sex With Camel'
         CARS2 file   - 'Girl Has Device That Causes Cars To Break Down'
         CHURCH-SUPP  - 'Old Lady Tithes $1000'
         EASTER file  - 'Overeasy'
         ELDERLY1     - 'Mr. Schwartz Sells Sex'
         ELDERLY2 file- 'Ellie Wants SUPERSEX'
         FOOD-ETC2    - 'Potato Prostitutes'
         FROG file    - 'Boy Goes To Whore House With Dead Frog'
         GAMES file   - 'Sees Something Under The Card Table'
         GOLF1 file   - 'Senator Has Hooker And Golf'
         Golf2 file   - 'Golfer And His Bride On The Honeymoon'
         GOLF3 file   - 'Ed And Nancy Met On A Cruise Ship'
         HOTEL file   - 'Traveler Meets Blond In Hotel'
......................- 'Hotel Guest Phones For Sex'
......................- 'Hotel For Women'
         IRISH2 file  - 'Irish Girl Brings Money Home For Mom'
......................- 'Irish Girl Sends Money To Parents'
         KIDS5 file   - 'Potential Vs Reality'
         MARRIAGE1    - 'Wife Plans To Sell Her Body'
         MATH1 file   - 'The Mathematician, The Engineer, And The Hooker'
         MONKEY file  - 'Man Pays To Loose Weight'
         NUNS1 file   - 'Sisters Of Mercy House Of Prostitution'
         POLIT-CLINTON- 'Clinton Jogs Past Prostitute'
         PRIEST2 file - 'Men Of The Cloth Visit Whore House'
.........SAILOR-MARINE- 'Retired Sailor And The Prostitute'
......................- 'Chief And Admiral Get Shaves'
         SEX1 file    - 'Sex Survey'
         SEX3 file    - 'Thor Has Sex'
         SHIT file    - 'Washington Crosses The Delaware'
         SOLDIER1 file- 'Boy Scout Troop Visits Army Base'
         SWEDISH_ETC  - 'Ole And The Hooker'
         WEDDING-HNYMN- 'Bride Charges Husband'
......................- 'Strangers Marry And Go On Honeymoon'
         WOMEN1 file  - 'A Woman Says Yes For Money'
============================================================Top
Subj:     The Animals - House of the Rising Sun (S1016)
          From: Claudia Rook on Facebook on 7/1/2016
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/MgTSfJEf_jM
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.......
.
.......Click 'HERE' to see The Animals perform
....................House of the Rising Sun in 1964.
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Top
Subj:     Old Man Wants To See Natalie (S221, S670)
          From: thebartend on 4/19/2001
      and From: tom on 11/13/2009

 (See 'Barmail Does Sex For Money' in HOOKER
  and see 'Work For Pay' in HOOKER2)

 The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly
 gentleman.

 "Can I help you?" the madam asked.

 "I want Natalie," the old man replied.

 "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps
 someone else..."

 "No, I must see Natalie."

 Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man
 that she charges $1,000 per visit.  Without blinking, the
 man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills.
 The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man
 calmly left.

 The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie.
 Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights
 in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still
 $1,000 a visit.  Again the old man took out the money, the
 two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

 When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one
 could believe it.  Again he handed Natalie the money and
 up to the room they went.  At the end of the hour Natalie
 questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services
 three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

 The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

 "Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."

 "Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and
 I'm your sister's attorney.  She asked me to give this
 $3,000 to you."

Top
Subj:     Barmaid Does Sex For Money (S286b, S543)
          From: coreymac on 7/13/2002
      and From: hellgunner50 on 6/13/2007

 (See 'Old Man Wants To See Natalie' in HOOKER)

 An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands.
 Jill the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices
 his Australian accent.  Over the course of the night they
 talk quite a bit.  At the end of the night he asks her if
 she wants to have sex with him.

 Although she is attracted to him she says no.  He then
 offers to pay her $200 for the dead.

 Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of
 funds she agrees.  The next night the guy turns up again
 and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the
 night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

 She figures in for a penny, in for a pound-and it was
 fantastic the night before-so she agrees.  This goes on
 for five nights.

 On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar.  This night
 he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner.
 Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay
 him more attention.  She goes over and sits next to him.
 She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne.

 "So am I," she says. "What suburb in Melbourne?"

 "Glen Iris," he says.

 "That's amazing" she says, "so am I-what street?"

 "Cameo Street" he says.

 "This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"

 He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.

 "You are not going to believe this" she says. "I'm from
 number 22 and my parents still live there!"

 "I know" he says. "Your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"

Top
Subj:     Streetwalker Sees Her Doctor (S311, DU)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 1/18/2003

 A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular
 checkup. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?"
 the doctor asked.

 "Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest
 cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you
 think I might be a hemophiliac?"

 "Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic
 disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is
 possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much
 you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired.

 After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh,
 about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."

Top
Subj:     Streets Of New York (S235, DU)
          From: dogbyte on 8/1/2001

 A man is walking around New York with his wife.  They find
 a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside.  A
 hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home
 with me, buddy?"

 "For how much?" asks the man.

 "One hundred dollars."

 "I'll give you five bucks."

 The girl spits at him and walks away.  A little later, the
 man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their
 walk.  On the first corner they come to there is the same
 hooker.  She takes one look at the man and his wife and
 says, "You see?  You see what you get for five bucks?"

Top
Subj:     Apartment For Rent (S221, S618b)
          From: JokesUncut on 12/21/2004

 (see "A woman says yes" 2ed vers. in Women1)

 A prosperous business man propositioned a beautiful girl and
 she agreed to spend the night with him for $500.  When he was
 ready to leave in the morning, he told her that he didn't have
 any money with him but that he would have his secretary write
 a check for it and make it out as "rent for an apartment."

 On the way to the office, he decided that the whole thing
 wasn't worth the price he had agreed to pay.  So he advised
 his secretary to send the check for $250 and include the
 following note:

    Dear Madam: enclosed is my check in the amount of $250
    for rent of your apartment.  I am not sending the amount
    I agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I
    was under the impression:
    1.  That it had never been occupied.
    2.  That there was plenty of heat.
    3.  That it was small.

 Last night, I found that it had been occupied, there wasn't
 any heat and it was entirely too large.  Upon the receipt
 of the note,  the girl immediately returned the check with
 the following note:

    Dear Sir: I am returning your check for $250.  I can not
    understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment
    to remain unoccupied.  As for the heat, there was plenty
    of it, if you knew how to turn it on.  As for the size,
    it isn't my fault if you didn't have sufficient furniture
    to fill it.

Top
Subj:     Little Boy Goes To Brothel (S170)
          From: RFSlick on 5/3/00

 A little boy hears the word whorehouse in school and asks
 his father what it means.  His father is quite shocked, and
 replies: "Well, uh... you go there to... have a good time."
 The boy starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go
 there too, but his father insists that he's too young.

 Saturday night his dad and a few friends go to "Suzie's" to
 "have a good time", not knowing the little boy is following
 them.  After his father leaves, the little boy enters the
 whorehouse and tells the madame that he wants to have a good
 time. She's a bit puzzled at first, but being a kind-hearted
 lady she gives him three doughnuts and tells him to leave.

 Later that night he comes home, his parents all worried.  His
 father approaches him first and asks him where he's been.
 "IN A WHOREHOUSE!" he screams proudly.

 "WHAT? Well... uh... how was it?"

 "I managed the first two without any problem, but I just
 licked the last."

Top
Subj:     Three Hookers Talk (S157)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #315 on 01/22/2000

 Three hookers of varying ages were standing around,
 discussing their  profession.

 The middle aged one said: "So, how's business?"

 "Awful!" replied the young one. "All anybody wants
 is blow jobs!"

 "What's wrong with that?" asked the mid-lifer. "It's
 easy work, a quick turn over, and you can make more
 money that way."

 "That's just the problem," exclaimed the young lady,
 "I can't get more than $20.00 for a blow job!  How can
 I make any money that way?"

 "Oh," she replied, shrugging, "that's nothing.  When I
 started working, we only got $10.00 for a blow job!"

 At this point the old hooker chimed in. "You kids have
 it so easy!  Why, back in my day, we had to give blow
 jobs for free!  And we were glad to get something warm
 in our bellies, too!"

Top
Subj:     A House With A Red Light (S80)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #263 on 98-08-01

 A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in
 front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight, and
 nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading
 "Over 35" and "Under 35."

 He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over
 35."  He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with
 2 doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

 Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and
 found himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading,
 "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."

 Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once
 a night" and found himself back out on the street.

 The moral of this story is, "Always tell the truth and you'll
 never get screwed."

Top
Subj:     Little Johnny And His Mother's Occupation (DU)
          From: RFSlick on 98-07-15
.
Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images
 The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their
 parents did for a living.  One little girl said her father
 was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.  When
 it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's
 a whore."

 Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the
 principal's office.  Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.

 So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you
 said in class?"

 Johnny said "Yes"

 "Well, what did the principal say?"

 "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me
 an apple and asked for my phone number."

Top
Subj:     Men Of Cloth Enter Brothel (S54, S642)
          From: hellgunner50 on 4/24/2009

 Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a
 brothel.

 Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door,
 glance around and duck inside.  "Ah, will you look at
 that?"  One ditch digger said, "What's our world comin'
 to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?"

 A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to
 the door and quietly slipped inside.  "Do you believe
 that?" the workman exclaimed.  "Why, 'tis no wonder th'
 young people today are so confused, what with the example
 clergymen set for them."

 After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic
 priest quickly entered the whore house.  "Ah, what a pity,"
 the digger said, leaning on his shovel.  "One of th' poor
 lasses must be ill."

Top
Subj:     Man Picks Ex-Teacher At Brothel (S52)
          From: Octagon999 on 98-01-18

 A horny young man went to a brothel... The lady at the
 counter asked him what his choice would be.  The man
 wanted to know what was available..

 Lady - "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they
 are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have
 our ex-actresses... they are all buxom and beautiful...
 On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers....they..."

 Man - "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor !"

 Lady- "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer
 ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses..."

 Man- "It's obvious, ma'am... teachers always make you do
 a thing over and over again... until you're perfect at it!!"

Top
Subj:     Man Goes To High Class Brothel

 A man goes to a high class brothel and asks the clerk what
 are his options.  The clerk replied "There's an absolutely
 gorgeous girl upstairs, in a luxury suite. Today's special
 offer, only $1000!"

 "Um, do you have anything cheaper?"

 "Well, one floor downwards, a not-absolutely-gorgeous-but-
  passable girl in a bit squeaky bed. Only $100."

 "Er... what's your next offer?"

 "Hrmph. In the basement, an ugly old lady, on a mouldy old
  mattress. You can fuck her for a tenner."

 "I'll take that!"

 The man gave the clerk his tenner and went to the basement.
 There was an ugly, pallid old lady lying on the mattress.
 He started his dirty work.  The lady said nothing.  He shot
 his load.  The lady still said nothing, but some sort of
 brown slime flew from her mouth.  The man saw it, zipped
 his jeans and left.  He explained what happened to the
 clerk.

 "Ah, well, I'll take care of her.", he said, so the man
 left.  After the man had left, the clerk picked up a phone
 and dialled the local pathologist institution.

 "Hello? Yes, could you send me a new one?  The old one just
  got full."

Top
Subj:     The Bloke And The Hooker On The Street (S39)

 A bloke walks down the street and he see the hooker.  He
 says "How good a handjob do you do?"  She says "Well you
 see that big shiny limo over there?"  He says "Yeah".  She
 says "Well, I bought that with the money I made from hand-
 jobs.  The bloke says "Alright give us a handjob".  After-
 wards he says "That was great.  I'll see you next week."

 Next week comes, the bloke walks down the street and he see
 the hooker again.  He says "How good a blowjob do you do?"
 She says "Well you see that big shiny limo over there?"  He
 says "Yeah".  She says "Well you see that big fancy block
 of apartments there with all the fancy railings and windows
 and that?"  He says "Yeah".  She says "Well, I bought that
 with all the money I made from headjobs.  I give the BEST
 headjobs around."  The blokes says "Alright I'll have one
 of those".  Afterwards he says "That was the best headjob
 I've ever had, it was brilliant. I'll see you next week".

 The bloke comes back next week and sees the hooker.  He
 says "Well you've given me a handjob and you've given me a
 headjob, how much do you charge for the real thing?".  She
 says "Well you see that limo over there?"  "Yeah"  "You see
 that big block of apartments over there?"  "Yeah"  "Well
 you see that massive warehouse behind the apartments?"  He
 says "Yeah".  She says "Well if I had one of those I'd own
 that!".

Second version (better)
Subj:     A Beautiful, High Priced Hooker (S704)
          From: lordblacknail on 7/9/2010

 A business man checks into a very fancy hotel and tells the
 desk clerk he has no meetings today and would like some
 "companionship", price is no object.

 The desk clerk says that he understands and someone will be
 at his door in ten minutes.  Ten minutes later there is a
 knock on the man's door.  He opens it and sees the most
 beautiful woman that he has ever seen in his life.  He
 tells her, "I'm in no hurry today, let's go real slow.
 What do you get for a hand-job?"

 She says, "$1000."

 He screams, "$1000! No hand-job is worth $1000!"

 She pulls him to the window, points outside and says, "You
 see that liquor store down there?  I bought that store
 with the money that I got just from hand-jobs!"

 He gives her the money and sure enough the hand-job is
 like nothing he's ever had before.  She does things that
 he didn't believe were possible with a hand.  It's worth
 every penny.

 "That's incredible," he says. What do you get for a blow-job?"

 "$5000."

 "$5000! No blow-job is worth $5000."

 She takes him to the window and points, "You see that Rolls-
 Royce dealership?  I bought that dealership with money I got
 from blow-jobs."

 He gives her the money and the blow-job is the greatest
 thing he's ever known.  Like rockets and fireworks and
 explosions.  When it's over, he says, "I've GOT to have
 that pussy!"  She takes him to the window, points, and
 says, "You see that skyscraper?... If I had a pussy, I
 could buy that skyscraper."

Top
Subj:     Ameriquest's Concert Video (S581) 
          From: AFine963 on 3/7/2008
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/pdHVVRq3xUw

 This is one of Ameriquest's cute "Maybe It Is Not What
 It Looks Like" commercials.  Click 'HERE' to view it.

Top
Subj:     Husband And Wife Need Extra Income (S08)

 A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving
 financially so they decided that the wife should try
 prostitution as an extra source of income.  The husband
 drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he
 would be at the side of the building if she had any
 questions or problems.

 A gentlemen pulled up shortly after and asked her how
 much to go all the way.  She told him to wait a minute
 and ran around the corner to ask her husband.  The
 husband told her to tell the client $100.  She went back
 and informed the client at which he cried "That was too
 much!"  He then asked "How much for a handjob?"  She
 asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband
 how much.  The husband said "Ask for $40".  The woman
 ran back and informed the client.

 He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to
 remove his pants and underwear.  Upon the removal of his
 clothing the woman noticed that the man had an enormous
 penis.  She asked him once more to wait a moment.  She
 ran around the corner again at which her husband asked
 "Now what?"  The wife replied "Can I borrow $60?"

Top
Subj:     The Whore, The Accountant, And Chicken Farming

 A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him
 that she needs to file her taxes.

 The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask
 a few questions."

 He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.
 and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

 The woman replies, "I'm a whore."

 The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no.  That will
 never work.  That is much too crass.  Let's try to
 rephrase that."

 The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."

 "No, that is still too crude.  Try again."

 They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm
 a chicken farmer."

 The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do
 with being a whore or a prostitute?"

 "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

Top
Subj:     Mother, Daughter, And The Cabbie (S11, S368b)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-04-09
      and From: RFSlick on 2/12/2004

 A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, were in New
 York City.  The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her
 daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were
 loitering on a nearby street corner.  The mother finally
 hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point
 the daughter asks her mother, "Mummie, what are all those
 ladies waiting for by that corner?", to which the mother
 replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to
 come home from work."

 The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother
 and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!!  Tell your daughter the
 truth!!!!  For crying out loud.  They're hookers!"

 A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then
 asks, "Mummie, do the ladies have any children?"

 The mother replies, "Of course dear.  Where do you think
 cabbies come from?"

Top
Subj:     Boy And Girl Have Sex (S314b)
          From: ipkis on 97-07-24

 A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance
 from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some
 distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

 "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm
 actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."  The boy
 reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

 Afterwards the boy got in the front seat and had a smoke.
 After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat
 looking out the window.

 "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

 "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually
 a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Top
Subj:     Farmer's Son's First Time At Brothel

 (See 'The First Time Adam And Eve Have Sex' in EDEN
  and 'Jane Meets Tarzan' in SEX3)

 Fellow brings his son into the big city from the bush to
 get him `initiated' to the ways of the world.  After
 picking up new clothes, boots, and hat, they stop at the
 `house that's not a home' in the evening.  The man explains
 to the madam that he wants his boy treated right.  She
 takes the boy aside for a moment and asks "Boy, have you
 ever been with a woman?"

 "Why, no ma'am", he replies.

 "Well, young man, have you ever practiced?" she asks him.

 He blushes and says to her "What do you mean by practice?"

 She tells him "Many of the boys that come in here have
 used holes in logs to practice their skills.  Is this
 something that you've tried?"

 He's amazed to find that she guessed what he assumed only
 he alone knew.  "Yes, ma'am," he stammers, "I-I-I can't
 believe you knew that."

 They rejoin his father.  "He'll be just fine, sir- I know
 just the lady for him."  She escorts the boy up the stairs,
 and leads him to a room with a woman waiting in it.  A few
 minutes later there's a wild commotion in his room.  The
 madam, the boy's father, a (flock, gaggle, pod) of hookers
 all burst into the room, only to see the boy standing there
 naked except for his hat and the hooker in the corner crying.

 "What's going on here?" demands the madam.

 "That horrible man took off my clothes and started kicking
 me really hard in the ass!" exclaimed the shocked prostitute.

 "Is this true?" asked the boy's father.

 "Well, yes," said the boy, "I had to check for bees."

Top
Subj:     Lumberjack Goes To A Brothel (S252b, S485)
          From: dogbyte on 11/29/2001
      and From: darrell94590 on 5/5/2006

 A grungy old lumberjack, in town for the first time in weeks,
 went to the local brothel and demanded the roughest, toughest
 and meanest girl in the house. "That'll be Mary," said the
 madam. "Go to Room Four and I'll send her up."

 "Fine," said the lumberjack, "and tell her to bring a couple
 of beers".  In due time, Mary appeared.  She put the two
 bottles of beer on the floor, took off her negligee,
 positioned herself on her hands and knees and pointed to her
 pussy.

 "No! No!" exclaimed the lumberjack. "In bed, the old
 fashioned way!"

 "Sure, pal," grunted Mary, "but I thought ya might want to
 open them beers first."

Top
Subj:     Trucker Man Goes To A Brothel (S219, S819)
          From: KMACINTY on 4/12/2001
      and From: tom on 9/20/2012

 A Louisiana trucker who had been out on the road for three
 straight weeks stopped at a brothel outside Las Vegas.

 He walked straight up to the Madam, plopped down $500.00,
 and said, "I want your fattest woman, a bologna sandwich
 and a six pack of beer.

 The Madam was astonished. She said, "OK, sir, but do you
 know that for that kind of money you could have two of my
 finest ladies, plus a three-course meal and a fine bottle
 of wine??"

 The trucker replied, "Listen, sweetie. I ain't horny....
 I'm homesick!"

Top
Subj:     Union Man Goes To A Brothel (S13, S566)
         From: V-lewis on 97-04-29
     and From: darrellvip on 11/21/2007

 A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas
 and decided to check out the local brothels.

 When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this
 a union house?"

 "No, I'm sorry it isn't."

 "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

 "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

 Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped
 off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

 His search continued as long as you want to draw things
 out, until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame
 said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

 "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

 "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

 "That's more like it!"  the man said.  He looked around
 the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead.
 "I'd like her for the night."

 "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, gesturing to
 a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here
 has seniority."

Top
Subj:     Doing It On Brothel Roof (S150)

 (I first heard this joke in 1955 in grade school.)

 A guy is given 6 weeks to live, so he figures to live it
 up every minute.  One hot night he goes to a whore house
 in Vegas, and because it is such a hot night, he asks the
 girl if she'd mind doing it outside on the roof where it's
 cooler.  She agrees and while they're going at it, the guy
 croaks and falls off the roof taking the girl with him.  A
 passing drunk sees them fall and goes racing up to the door
 and starts banging on it.  The madam opens the door, takes
 one look at the drunk and says, "I'm sorry, I can't let you
 in, you're too drunk."

 "Hell," says the drunk, "I didn't want to come in, I just
 wanted to tell you that your sign fell down."

Top
Subj:     Man Offers A Millon Dollars

 A grubby old man asks a woman if she would sleep with a
 man for a million dollars.  She thinks it over for a
 moment, and then replies that she would sleep with a man
 for a million dollars.

 He offers her $50 to sleep with him.

 "What kind of person do you think I am?"  And slaps him
 in the face.

 "We know what kind of person you are.  We're just haggling
 over price."

Top
Subj:     Getting A Disease At A Whore House
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #199 on 97-09-29

 A guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town
 and they go to a house of ill repute to round off the
 festivities.

 A week later he visits his doctor complaining of a large
 green lump on the end of his penis.  The doctor performs
 a thorough inspection and then pulls down a weighty medical
 book from the shelf and flicks through the pages,
 eventually finding a reference.

 "I'm afraid this is quite serious and we have to operate!"

 "Why, Doc, what's the problem?"

 "Well you know how boxers can develop a cauliflower ear?"

 "Yes!"

 "Well you've got a brothel sprout."

Top
Subj:     Woman Gets Shoes For Sex
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #207 on 97-11-03

 A woman was looking into an expensive shop window admiring
 a pair of silver shoes when a bloke sidled up beside her.

 "Like the shoes?  I'll buy them for you if you if you come
 to bed with me."

 "Okay.  But be warned - I don't like sex very much."

 He bought the silver shoes and took her back to his hotel
 where, once again, she emphasized her lack of enthusiasm.
 And, indeed, she just lay there motionless not giving him
 the slightest encouragement.  So much so that he was getting
 bored himself.

 Whereupon, she suddenly lifted her legs high in the air and
 shouted, "WOW!"

 "I thought you didn't like sex!" he said with mounting
 excitement.

 "I don't.  But I just *love* these new silver shoes!"

Top
Subj:     Brothel On Top Of A Mountain

 THERE IS A MOUNTAIN WITH A BROTHEL ON TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN.
 THERE IS ONE MAN GOING UP THE MOUNTAIN, ANOTHER HALF WAY
 DOWN THE MOUNTAIN, AND THE THIRD INSIDE THE BROTHEL.  WHAT
 ARE THEIR NATIONALITIES?

 THE GUY GOING UP THE MOUNTAIN IS RUSSIAN, THE GUY COMING
 DOWN THE MOUNTAIN IS FINNISH, AND THE GUY INSIDE THE BROTHEL
 IS HIMALAYAN!

Top
Subj:     Short Whore Jokes

Top
Subj:     Price War (S483)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/13/2006
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 To view this cute, dirty cartoon click 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Cheap Hooker Arrested (S280)
          From: jerry on 6/12/2002
 Italian police have arrested Monica Isa, a prostitute,
 because she charges too little, thereby breaking
 Italy's competition laws.  They claim she is low
 balling clients to force other prostitutes out of
 business.

 Ananova 23-May-02
 

Top
Subj:     Two Car Salesmen Talk In A Bar (S279b)
          From: dogbyte on 6/1/2002
 Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.  One complained
 to the other, "Boy, business sucks.  If I don't sell more
 cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass."

 Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.
 Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

 "That's okay," she said, "If I don't sell more ass this
 month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."
 

Top
Subj:     Cancer Victim Gets Lade (S256b)
          From: jerry on 12/27/2001
 A 15 year-old boy in Sydney, Australia, soon to die from
 cancer, was given his final wish -- that he not die a virgin.

 A child psychologist gave the approval for the boy to visit
 a prostitute, which was paid for by his friends.  His parents
 did not know about this.

 "He was very, very happy - and only slightly disappointed
 that it was over so quickly," said the psychologist.  He
 acknowledged that what they did was illegal but he said
 nobody cared about the legality of it all.

 The boy died a few days later.

 UK Sun 22-Dec-01
 

Top
Subj:     HMO Pays For Sex (S248)
          From: jerry on 10/30/2001
 A Dutch council is paying for a 48-year-old disabled man,
 Hennie van den Wittenboer, to have sex with a prostitute
 once a month, finally giving in after a seven year battle.

 Now Wittenboer says he is less stressed and needs less
 medication.

 The council claimed that sex wasn't part of the primary
 needs of human beings, for those of you who want to drive
 your HMO nuts.

 Brabants Dagblad.via Ananova (UK) 27-Oct-01
 

 Two prostitutes are standing at a street corner when a cop
 car drives past.  One turns to the other and ask, "Have
 you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"  The second replies,
 "No, but I have been swung around by my tits once or
 twice."

From: humorlist-digest V1 #178 on 97-08-22
 Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to
 the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars
 this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass."  Too late he
 noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.

 Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. "That's
 okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this
 month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."

From: BawdyNet Collage #whatever on 98-04-20
 There's the story about the man that walks into a house of
 ill repute in Reno and says, "I'll give $20,000 to any
 woman here who'll come into the desert with me and do it
 MY way."

 One of the ladies agrees, and off they go driving into the
 desert.  After about an hour she gets curious, and asks him
 "Just what is your way?"

 "On credit."

From: humorlist-digest V2 #171 on 98-07-10
 Three women are standing on the street corner.  If one
 of them is called a "ho", what are the other 2 called?
 Support "ho's".

From: RFSlick on 9/28/00 (S205)
 Two hookers are standing on the street corner.  The first
 hooker says, "I think it's going to be busy tonight....I
 can smell dick in the air".

 The second hookers says "Sorry, that's me, I burped"

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/20/2001 (S242)
 "There's no such thing as fun for the whole family;
  there are no massage parlors with ice cream and free
  jewelry."  -- Jerry Seinfeld

From: LABLaughs.com on 5/27/2002 (S278b)
 "Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."
    -- George Burns (1896-1996)
 

 Q: What do you call a hooker working the highway exits?
 A: A tollhouse cookie.

 Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
 A: A prostitute stops screwing you when you die.

From: BREWONETO on 98-02-16
 Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
 A: Full.

(S60)
 Q: What's the difference between a whore
    and a crack dealer?
 A: After turning a trick, a whore can wash her crack
    and use it again.

From: RFSlick on 98-08-13
 Q: What do you call kids born in whore houses?
 A: Brothel sprouts.

From: RFSlick on 98-12-09
 Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
 A: Beat it - we're closed.

From: icohen on 12/07/1999 (S149)
 Q: If there were 4 potatoes in a room,
    which one would be the prostitute?
 A: The one that's labeled "IDAHO"

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.............................Two Smileys Turn Out the Lignts from Smiliemania.da.
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