Subj:   Penis1 Jokes
             (Includes 23 jokes and articles, 20 1009n,7,no ads,wXT3,5)

Flasher from
Billy'S MovinG PictureS
Includes the following:  Puppet Show - GIF (S401)
.........................Buddy Hackett - Elephant Trunk Joke - Video (S769)
.........................Dick Replaced With Elephant Trunk (S05, S609)
.........................Man Gets Elephant Muscles (S291)
.........................The Voodoo Dick (S663b, S615)
.........................King Arthur Returns From Quest (S14)
.........................'Is It Weird' TV Show w/Steve Harvey (S935)
.........................Rewritten "I will survive" Song (S463b)
.........................Canadian Sex Criminals (S278b)
.........................Mom Explains The Facts Of Life To Daughter
.........................Mom Explains The Facts Of Life To Daughter II (S563)
.........................Drug Makes Your Dick Last (S135, S485
.........................Golfer Hits Hole In One And Meets Genie
.........................How To Get Babies (S280)
.........................Dicks From Around The World .... (S473b)
.........................Air Force Man Has Long Dick
.........................Man Thinks His Wife Is Unfaithful
.........................Dick Rings
.........................Penis Keeps Growing w/Drawings (S230, S747)
.........................Gay Bar Requires Dick Naming (S26, S326b)
.........................Soft Breasts And Hard Dicks (S609c)
.........................How To Use 'Maintain'
.........................The Cyber Harness (S503b)

Also see ANIMALS-OTHER- 'Hamsters Named Bert And Ernie'
         ASCII ART3   - 'Sexual Emoticons'
         ASIAN file   - 'Tongue Twister'
......................- 'Passage To Adulthood in Thailand'
         BALLS file   - 'Matador Has A Bad Day'
......................- 'Two Men Have Vasectomies'
......................- 'Woman Ties Ribbon To Scrotum'
......................- (See whole file)
         BAR2 file    - 'Two Triple Martinis At A Bar'
.........BASEBALL     - 'Queen Of England Watches Baseball'
         BATHROOM file- 'Man Needs Help Pissing'
......................- 'The Blokes Guide To Taking A Leak..'
         BATHROOM-GRAF- 'The Newest In Men's Bathroom Walls'
         BICYCLE file - 'Why Bicycle Shorts Are Always Black!!'
         BIRDS file   - 'Two Woodpeckers Argue'
         BIRD-CHICKEN - 'A Rooster, A Cat, And A River'
......................- 'Man And Chicken Go To The Movies'
         BLACK1 file  - 'Black Kid Is Better'
         BLACK2 file  - 'Painting Of Three Nude Black Men'
         BREAST file  - 'Kinds Of Breasts And Penises (Christmas Trees)'
......................- 'Ahmed Obsessed By Queen's Breasts'
         BROTHERS file- 'Two Old-Maid Sisters Are Virgins'
         Bugs_Etc file- 'Man Afraid Of Bees Is Tied To Tree'
         CAMEL file   - 'A Nun, A Priest And A Dead Camel'
         CANADA file  - 'Canada's Jean Chretien Retires'
         CANDY file   - 'A Chocolate Flavored Penis'
         CARS2 file   - 'Dick Hits Pickup Windshield'
         CARS3 file   - 'Repairing Your Car At K-Mart'
......................- 'Daughter Wants To Borrow Car From Dad'
         CHURCH-SUPP2 - 'Children's Sermon About The Resurrection'
         CLINTON file - 'Renaming Your Dick'
         CLINTON-SCDL1- 'Clinton Has A Red Rash'
         CLOTHING file- 'Underwear Dust'
......................- 'Texan Buys A City Suit'
         COLLEGE1 file- 'Masterbation In Showers At Durham'
         COLLEGE2 file- 'College Biology Class'
         COMPUTERS3   - '11 Reasons E-Mail Is Like A Penis:'
         COMPUTERS4   - 'Bobbit Virus'
         CONDOM file  -  (See whole file)
         COWBOY file  - 'Buying Cowboy Boots'
         DARWIN AWRDS1- 'Power Pole Death'
         DARWIN AWRDS2- 'Penis Electrocution'
         DATING1 file - 'Picking Up Girls With Potatoes'
......................- 'A Guy And Girl On Their First Date'
         DATING3 file - 'Sending A Lady A Bottle Of Wine'
         DIFFERENCES1 - 'Female Brain Cell In A Man'
         DOCTOR1 file - 'Hong Kong Dong'
......................- 'Man Is Castrated'
         DOCTOR2 file - 'Older Gent At Urologist's Office'
......................- 'Patient's Ball Turnes Blue'
......................- 'Surgeon Consults Patient After Operation'
......................- 'Country Doctor And The Gossip'
......................- 'Doctor's Advice For Premature Ejaculation'
         DOCTOR3 file - 'List of Viagra Jokes Not in Doctor3'
.........DOG1 file    - 'Dog Named MyPenis'
         EDEN file    - 'Adam Gets A Brain And A Penis'
         ELDERLY1     - 'Hillbilly's 60 Anniversary'
         ELDERLY2 file- 'Two Old Men, Wheat Bread and Sex'
......................- 'Elderly Man Visits Social Security Office'
         ELEPHANT     - 'Three Guys Get Elephant Parts'
         ENGLISHMAN   - 'British Soldiers Return From Falkland'
         FACTS2 file  - 'In Line At The Bank'
......................- 'Most Embarrassing Moments Contest'
         FAIRY TALES  - 'Climbing The Ladder To Success'
         FARMER1 file - 'Farm Boy, His Gal And His Rope'
         FISHING1 file- 'That's A Big One - Picture'
.........FOOD ETC2    - 'Viagra Soft Drink'
         FOOD-SUPP    - 'Parents Worry About Son's Small Penis'
         FOOTBALL file- 'Football Buddies'
         FRENCH file  - 'When Charles deGaulle Retired'
         FROG file    - 'Frog Sex'
.........FUNERAL file - 'Playing With Irving's Ashes'
......................- 'Mortician Cuts Off Cadaver's Penis'
         GAMES file   - 'BJ roulette'
         GOLF-SUPP    - 'Unique Golf Invention'
         HANDICAPPED  - 'Two Deaf People Get Married'
         HEAD-ADS-SUPP- 'German Eye Glasses Ad' - Video
         HOOKER2 file - 'Happy Hour in Bangkok' - Photo/Video
......................- 'An Unusual Hooker'
......................- 'A Dick Named Caesar'
         HORSES file  - 'Chicken And Horse Get Stuck'
         HOSPITAL1    - 'Handsome Man Goes To Hospital'
......................- 'Hillary Visits A Hospital'
......................- 'Man Farts During Surgery'
.........HOSPITAL2    - 'Man Gets Bionic Arm'
......................- 'Hospital wants To Cut Off Man's Penis'
......................- '18 Year Old India Girl Has Pain'
......................- 'A Hermaphrodite Baby'
......................- 'True Hospital Stories'
         HOSPITAL-SUPP- 'Nurses Aren't Supposed To Laugh'
         HUNTING file - 'Duck Hunter Wants Sex'
......................- 'Hunter Shoots Himself In The Arm'
         INDIAN file  - 'Indian Gives Lady A Horseback Ride'
         JEWISH2 file - 'Samurai Contest'
.........JOBS1 file   - 'Pickle Factory Worker Fired'
         JUDGE file   - 'Circumcision Lawsuit'
         KIDS2 file   - 'Little Boy Has To "Powder His Nose"'
         KIDS5 file   - 'Whyatt Cartoon'
         LISTS file   - 'Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped'
         LISTS-SUPP   - '30 Harsh Things a Woman can Say to a Naked Man'
         MAILMAM-ETC  - 'Playing "Who Am I"'
......................- 'Mailman And The Bedsheet'
.........MARRIAGE3    - 'Firing A Starter Gun During Sex'
         MARRIAGE6    - 'Husband And Wife Complain'
......................- 'Wife Has A Headache'
.........MENQUESTIONS - 'What Are Two Men Thinking?'
         MOVIES-SUPP2 - 'Lord Of The Rings Parody'
         MUSIC file   - 'The Dickhead Song' - Video
......................- 'Piano Duet' - Video
         NATIVE file  - 'Foreskin'
         NUDIST file  - 'Two Boys See Nude Woman'
......................- 'Man Swims Nude In Lake'
......................- '30 Harsh Things To Say To A Naked Guy'
......................- 'Women Grows Red Tomatoes'
         NUNS1 file   - 'Rubber Cement Commercial'
.........PIG file     - 'City Slicker Buys A Pig'
.........PLANE1 file  - 'Man On Plane Sneezes'
......................- 'Man Goes To Bathroom On A Plane'
         PLANE2 file  - 'All Female Flight Crew'
......................- 'Getting A Ticket From A Flasher'
         POETRY file  - 'Joe Awoke With An Erection'
         POLICE-SUPP  - 'Police Stop Old Lady w/Garbage Bags'
         POLITICAL1   - 'Penis For President'
         POLITICAL2   - 'Politician At News Conference'
         PREACHER file- 'Elderly Couple Healed By TV Preacher'
         PREGNANCY    - 'Couple Get Help For Pregnancy'
         PUSSY file   - 'Christmas Tree Decorations'
         RUSSIAN file - 'Russian Pees Vodka'
         SCHOOL1 file - 'Students Go To The Race Track'
......................- 'JC Biology Class'
         SCHOOL-SUPP2 - 'The Polite Way To Pee'
         SCOTTISH file- 'The Drunken Scotsman With Lyrics' - Video/Song
......................- 'The Gleam In Your Eye'
         SEX3 file    - 'Russian Tries For Sex Record'
         SHIT file    - 'Washington Crosses The Delaware'
         SKIING file  - 'Writing Your Name In The Snow'
         SOLDIER1 file- 'Secretary Notices Boss's Barracks Is Open'
         TATOO file   - 'Penis Tattooed For Profit'
......................- 'Man Tatoos Dick'
......................- (see whole file)
         TEST2 file   - 'What Am I?'
         THO-SILLY-SUP- 'Deep Throat' - Video
         TRACK file   - 'Wife's Lover Runs Nude In Race'
         TRUCK-BUS    - 'Helping A Lady On The Bus'
         WEDDING-HNYMN- 'Doing The Laundry'
......................- 'Couple Wait For Wedding Night'
......................- 'Man w/Dick In Splint Has Honeymoon'
         WOMEN2 file  - 'The Flasher'
         WOMENBETTER  - 'She Took The Law Into Her Own Hands'
......................- 'She Took The Law Into Her Own Hands II'

Penis1 has long jokes
Penis2 has jokes
Penis3 contains oddities and short jokes
Subj:     Puppet Show (S401)
          From: JokesUncut on 7/14/2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
Subj:     Buddy Hackett - Elephant Trunk Joke (S769d) 
          From: darrelldre on 10/7/2011
      and From: virv on 10/7/2011
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/MF5Y8kB824E

 This wonderful classic skit was performed by Buddy Hackett
 during a stand-up comedy routine.  Click 'HERE' to see this
 joke Buddy Hackett told on an HBO special about 10 years ago.

Subj:     Dick Replaced With Elephant Trunk (S05, S609)

 (See 'Three Guys Get Elephant Parts' in ELEPHANT)

 A guy gets his penis severed in a car accident.  When he
 wakes up in the hospital, he rings for the doctor.  The
 doctor comes in and tells him what happened.  "So what
 are my options?" the patient asks.

 "You have two options: we can sew your penis back on, but
 it will cost you about a million dollars.  Or...we can
 sew on a baby elephant's trunk.  It will look a bit
 different, but it will feel the same and that will only
 cost about a thousand dollars."

 The guy says, "Well, I'm low on cash so I'll have to go
 with the elephant trunk."

 About two weeks later the guy is out to dinner with some
 friends, when all of a sudden the trunk comes up from
 under the table, grabs a biscuit, then returns back
 under the table.  The guy thinks, "Shit, I hope nobody
 saw that!"  About five minutes later, the trunk comes up
 and grabs another biscuit.  This time the guy's friends
 see it.

 "Holy shit!  What the fuck was that?" his friends ask.
 So the guy tells them the story of the accident and the
 surgery.  "Wow, that's awesome!  Can you do that again?"
 they ask.

 The guy says, "Well, I probably could, but I don't think
 my ass could take another biscuit!"
. Drawing from tom on 8/21/2009
Second version
Subj:     Man Gets Elephant Muscles (S291)
          From: thebartend on 97-11-28

 Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble
 getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

 After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well
 the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of
 your penis are damaged.  There's really nothing I can do
 for you except if you're willing to try an experimental
 treatment."  Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"

 "Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the
 muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them
 in your penis."

 Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought
 of going through life without ever having sex again is too
 much, let's go for it."  A few weeks after the operation
 Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment.
 He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took
 her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

 In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs
 that continued to the point of being painful.  To release
 the pressure Jack unzipped his fly.  His penis immediately
 sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table,
 grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.

 His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a
 sly smile, "That was incredible!  Can you do it again?"

 Jack replied with his eyes watering, "Well, I guess so,
 but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

Subj:     The Voodoo Dick (S463b, S615)
          From: darrell94590 on 12/8/2005
      and From: gattica30 on 10/20/2008

 This lady walks into her psychiatrist one day and says:
 "Doctor, I just can't have an orgasm."  "Do you masturbate?",
 he says.  "No luck". is the reply.  "How about cunnilingus?"
 "Nope"  "Kick-start vibrator?" "Wakes up the neighbors, but
 not me." she complains.  "Hmm, looks like a problem.  Wait
 here."  The doctor says as he walks into the next room.  He
 walks out with a black velvet case and places it on his lap.
 Her eyes widen as he opens it, revealing its contents.

 "What is it", she gasps.

 "It's a VOODOO DICK," he proclaims, as he hoists the foot-
 long, meaty shaft from the case.  "It is VERY powerful, but
 it can fulfill your every desire.  Watch.  VOODOO DICK,
 hand!" he commands.  The dick leaps across his lap into his
 open palm faster than the eye can see.  "Ooooh", she sighs.
 "VOODOO DICK, case."  The dick returns in a shot to its case.
 "You may take this, but you must promise NOT to abuse its

 "Certainly, of course, anything you say," she sputters as
 the wetness in her mouth matches the wetness in her panties.
 So she takes the magic missile with her, thanking the good
 doctor and hurrying out to her car.  She can't wait to get
 home, so she prys the lid open on the seat next to her.
 "VOODOO DICK, hand!" she commands.  It flies eagerly into
 her hand.  She is amazed by the size of this veiny tool,
 and quickly removes her underwear.  "VOODOO DICK, pussy!"
 she screams, and it obliges. Burying itself inside her in
 an instant, she gasps with pleasure.  "VOODOO DICK, fuck me."
 It begins to thrust in and out.  "VOODOO DICK, faster!"  It
 quickens the pace while the woman sits in sexual bliss.
 Unbelievable sensations course through her body.  "VOODOO
 DICK, harder!"  It pounds away furiously as orgasms begin,
 one after the other.  Soon the woman begins to tire,
 unaccustomed to this sort of satisfaction.  "VOODOO DICK,

 BUT IT WON'T STOP !!!!!!  "VOODOO DICK, stop now!", she
 yells.  It continues its relentless assault.  "Quit it,
 VOODOO DICK.  That hurts"  It is oblivious to her desires.
 She finally manages to wrench it from her pussy and throw
 it out the window.  Just as she gets the window rolled up,
 it is there against the glass, trying to get it.

 She quickly starts the car and screeches away in terror.
 60, 70, 80 mph.  The VOODOO DICK hot on (and for) her tail.
 90, 100. The woman starts to pull away as the dick fades
 away behind the last corner.  Sirens blare.

 The women is babbling senselessly as the officer approaches
 her car.  "You-you have to let me go.  There is this-this
 thing- gotta go" she yells.  "Lady, you were doing 100 miles
 an hour.  What the hell is your problem?"

 "You don't under-understand.  There is this VOODOO DICK
 following me." she sputters.

 "A WHAT?", the cop yells?

 "A magic VOODOO DICK.  It's after me!" she exclaims.

 To which the cop replies, "VOODOO DICK, my ass!"

Subj:     King Arthur Returns From Quest (S14)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #13

 (Also see 'King Arthur's Chastity Belt' in KNIGHT)

 Once, in ancient times, King Arthur informed the Knights
 of the Round Table that he was about to embark on another
 quest.  As was the custom in those days, he acquired a
 chastity belt for Guinivere to wear while he was gone.
 This was no ordinary chastity belt because besides the
 lock, there was also a miniature guillotine hidden inside.
 So, off went the king and it was six months before his

 Upon his arrival he called for an assemblege of his
 Knights of the Round Table.  He had them line up and
 lower their pants.  One by one, he inspected them and
 was dismayed to see that each reveiled a heavily bandaged
 area - all except for Lancelot who didn't have a scratch.

 "So, Lancelot," the King said, embracing him, "you are the
 only Knight of the Round Table who did not betray my
 friendship and trust. Tell me which of my treasures you
 would have and it shall be yours!"

 Lancelot answered: "Nnnmm nnn nn mnnn..."

Subj:     Is It Weird w/Steve Harvey (S935d)
          Published by Steve Harvey
          From: Jane Hernandez on Facebook
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/35a1WaPSj0A
 Source2: https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=828827090508596

 In the TV show 'Is It Weird? with Steve Harvey, a woman
 signs her man's penis to be sure that he remains faithful.
 Click 'HERE' to see this very weird episode of this very
 weird show.

Subj:    Rewritten "I will survive" Song (S463b)
         From: auntiegah on 12/7/2005

 Sing along to the tune of "I will survive" when you read this.

 At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
 When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
 But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
 That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on....

 But there you are, another lie,
 I was ready for a big Mac and you've bought me a French fry!
 I should have known that it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream,
 Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans!

 Go on now go, walk out the door,
 Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
 Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't catch you out!?
 Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count???!

 I will survive!! I will survive! 'Cos as long as I have batteries,
 My sex life is gonna thrive!
 I will always have good sex with a handful of latex!
 I will survive! I will survive!
 Hey! Hey!

 (2nd verse)
 It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
 When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
 But to hell with all your egos and to hell with all your needs
 Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!

 I will survive! I will survive!
 'Cos as long as I have batteries,
 My sex life is gonna thrive!
 I will always have good sex with a handful of latex!
 I will survive! I will survive!
 Hey! Hey!

Subj:     Canadian Sex Criminals (S278b)
          From: wayweirdon 5/31/2002

 Canadian  lawmakers take sex crimes extremely serious.
 Currently, Canadian  lawmakers are passing a bill that
 will keep sex offenders in permanent  "lock down" even
 after they are released from prison.

 The bill is titled "Holland Ice Cup", and should be passed
 into law by next week.  The new "Holland Ice Cup" law is a
 device that acts much like a pair of handcuffs, but they
 are handcuffs for the male testicles.  The testicles of a
 sex offender will be kept in this metal grip from the
 moment they leave prison until the day they die.

 The test case study for this new law met with the press
 recently and explained how serious this law is, "I was
 arrested for stealing a porno magazine and spent 2 hours
 in jail.  When I get out I have these on my nuts."

Subj:     Mom Explains The Facts Of Life To Daughter

 (See 'Dad Explains The Facts Of Life II' in KIDS1
  and 'How To Get Babies' below)

 Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family
 when her youngest daughter walks in.

 Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

 Mom:  Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and
 get married. One night they go into their room...they
 kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.)
 That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina.
 That's how you get a baby, honey.

 Child:  Oh I see, but the other night when I came into
 you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth.
 What do you get when you do that?

 Mom:  Jewelry, dear.

Subj:     Mom Explains The Facts Of Life To Daughter II
          From: ginafm on 11/4/2007 (S563)
 You can view this cute, dirty, picture story by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Drug Makes Your Dick Last (S135, S485)
          From: icohen on 8/31/99
      and From: jtgalvan on 5/10/2006

 Once upon a time, in Ancient Egypt, a man walked into the
 Apothecary. (Egyptian equivalent of a Pharmacy or Drugstore.)
 He walked up to the counter, and said: "One Rhino's Horn,
 Please."  The Apothecary was startled and said, "But Sir!
 Most people require only a fraction of an ounce of this
 precious aphrodisiac!"

 "Look, I need this so just sell it to me and I'll be on my
 way," replied the Customer.  "Why?  This will cost over three
 times its weight in gold!  Are you sure you wish to purchase
 it?", the Apothecary queried.

 The man looked a bit annoyed, and explained his situation.
 "Right.  Tonight, I've got three of the most stunningly
 attractive women coming round tonight, and I know for a fact
 that none of them have had any sex for more than a year and
 that they're crying for it.  You know, "Gaggin' for a Shaggin'".
 That sort of thing.  I've got to be in TOP Form, ready to

 "Well Sir, you do seem to have a genuine need for it.  If
 you'll just step over here..."  The Apothecary weighed the
 man's gold and with a look in his eyes that you only see in
 men who've just made a ridiculous profit, handed over a full
 Rhino's Horn to his customer.  The man left the Shop with a
 silly smile on his face.

 Night Passed.....

 The next afternoon, the same man came back to the Apothecary,
 looking terrible.  His eyes were glazed and bloodshot, his
 skin was drawn and his cheeks pinched.  He had huge bags under
 his eyes, and the whole area around his eyes were black with
 fatigue.  His hair was lank and greasy, and his stubble was
 not designer. He was basically a wreck.  He staggered up to
 the counter and gasped, "A tube of 'Deep Heat" menthol rub,
 please.  I'm desparate."

 "Good grief.  What ever for Sir?", inquired the Apothecary.
 Without a second thought, the man immediately undid his robe-
 belt, and dropped his sack-cloth slacks.

 "Take a look at that!", he said as he placed his penis on the
 Apothecary's counter.  The Apothecary winced.  The man's penis
 was in no better shape than his customer, it was reddened,
 rubbed raw, bleeding in places, and definitely the worse for

 "You're going to put 'Deep Heat' on THAT!?", the Apothecary
 asked.  "Do you know how painful it will be on your dick?"

 "Oh, no.  It's not for my penis.  It's for my wrists....the
 girls didn't show up last night."

Subj:     Golfer Hits Hole In One And Meets Genie
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #84

 A guy is out golfing alone one day and shoots a hole in one
 on the 13th hole, a short par 3.  When he picks the ball up
 out of the cup, a genie pops out of the hole and says, "You
 got a hole in one, so I'll grant you any one wish you want."

 The guy thinks for a minute and says, "I'd like to have the
 longest dick in the world."  Poof.  Done.  The genie
 disappears and the guy attempts to finish the round, but it
 is nearly impossible.  His dick is so long, it's dragging
 on the ground, victim to every stone, pebble, and bramble
 along the way.  He even stepped on the end a couple of

 In obvious pain, he finally makes his way to the clubhouse
 where the greenskeeper asks him what's wrong.  He relates
 the story and the tragic consequences.  The greenskeeper
 says, "Ah, that genie again.  I'm afraid the only thing I
 know you can do is to take a case or two of golf balls
 back to the hole and keep hitting shots until you get
 another hole in one.  Then ask the genie for another wish."

 This makes sense to the guy, so he makes his way very
 gingerly back to the 13th tee and hits literally hundreds
 of golf balls in serious discomfort until he gets lucky
 and shoots another hole in one.  On pulling his ball out
 of the cup, the genie again appears: "You got a hole in
 one, so I'll grant you any one wish you want."
 The guy looks around, and with a smile on his face says,
 "I'd like to have longer legs!"

Subj:     How To Get Babies (S280)
          From: twistedhumor.com on 9/29/2000

 (See 'Dad Explains The Facts Of Life II' in KIDS1
  and 'Mom Explains The Facts Of Life To Daughter' above)

 One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached
 her mother, and announced that she had learned how you
 get a baby.  The mother was amused and said, "Oh really
 sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

 The little girl then explained, "Well, the mommy and daddy
 take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's wiener
 stands way up high, and the mommy kneels on the floor and
 puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy's
 wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the
 mommy's mouth, and then the mommy swallows the sticky juice,
 and that's how you get a baby."

 The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to
 meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but
 that's not how you get a baby. That's how you get jewelry."

Subj:     Dicks From Around The World .... (S473b)
          From: auntiegah on 2/8/2006

 Cute, witty set of drawings.  You can see it by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Air Force Man Has Long Dick
          From Bawdy.Net Collage #165

 (Also see 'Penis Keeps Growing' in this file)

 There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well
 endowed that it was bothering his knee.  Three Air Force
 doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room
 to remedy the situation.

 The first doctor said, "We`ll just take a big hunk off the
 end."  They discussed it and decided that would affect his

 The second doctor said, "We`ll just take a big hunk out of
 the middle of it."  They discussed it and decided it would
 change the texture and feel of it.

 The third doctor said, "We`ll just take a big hunk off the
 base of it."  They discussed it and said that would give
 him erection problems.

 The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running done
 her cheeks.

 The nurse cried, "Can`t we just make his legs longer?"

Subj:     Man Thinks His Wife Is Unfaithful
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #172

 A man was sitting in a bar one evening looking pretty

 The bartender notices him and asks what's wrong.  The man
 replies that he believes that his wife is being unfaithful
 but isn't sure how to confront her about it.  The bartender
 replies, "Here's what you do.  Tonight when you get home,
 pull down your pants, point to your willy and ask her what
 it is.

 If she say's its a dick, then that means she's lost her
 innocence and shyness which would indicate that she has
 been sleeping aroung.  If she say's it's a pecker then
 that indicates that she is still shy and innocent."

 The man decides to give it a try and immediately goes home
 to summon his wife.  As she enters the living room, our
 friend drops his pants, points to his member and asks her
 what it is.

 "Oh, that's a pecker." responds his wife.

 The man lets out a big sigh of relief and exclaims. "Whew,
 I was afraid you were going to call it a dick."

 His wife responds, "Oh no, that's a pecker all right.  A
 dick is twice that size!"

Subj:     Dick Rings
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97

 (Also see 'Clinton Has A Red Rash' in POLIT-CLINTON-SCANDAL1)

 Guy goes out drinking and bar hopping and gets real loaded.
 Has a great time and wakes up the next day but can't
 remember much about last night except he knows he had a
 great time. Goes into the bathroom to take a leak and sees
 two rings around his dick.  One ring is red and the other
 is brown.  He gets really worried so he goes to see his

 "Doc, he says, I was out drinking last night.  I don't
 remember too much but when I woke up and went to piss I
 saw these two rings around my dick.  What the hell are
 they from?"

 Doctor takes a look and says, "Hmmm, I don't know.  Let me
 run some quick tests and I'll see if I can't find out what
 they're from."

 Doctor goes out and comes back in ten minutes and says,
 "Well, I've got good news and bad news.  How do you want it?"

 "Give me the good news first Doc."

 Doc says, "The good news is the red ring is lipstick."

 "And the Bad news Doc?" asks the guy.....

 "The bad news is the brown ring is Skoal."

Subj:     Penis Keeps Growing (S230, S747)
          From: gheckman on 6/23/2001
      and From: darrellvip on 5/9/2011

 (also see 'Air Force Man Has Long Dick' in this file)
When the man first noticed that his penis was growing
longer, he was delighted.  Several weeks and several
inches later, he became concerned and went to see a
urologist.  While his wife waited outside, the
physician examined him and explained that, thought
rare his condition could be corrected by minor
 The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the
 doctor after the examination and was told of
 the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

 "How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.

 "Crutches???" the surprised doctor asked.

 "Well, yes," the woman said nonchalantly, "You are going to
 lengthen his legs, aren't you? "

Subj:     Gay Bar Requires Dick Naming (S26, S326b)
          From: DR SWITZER on 98-01-14
      and From: CKButch4Femme on 4/25/2003

 This guy walks into a bar and after only taking two steps
 in, he realizes it's a gay bar but says, "What the heck, I
 really want a drink".

 When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer,
 "What's the name of your penis?"

 The customer says "Look, I'm just not into that.  All I
 want is a drink".

 The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you
 until you tell me the name of your penis.  Mine for
 instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.'
 That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,'
 because 'It really Satisfies."

 The customer turns the man sitting to his left who is
 sipping on a beer and asks "hey bud, what's the name of
 your penis?"  The gentleman with a smile looks back and
 says  "TIMEX".  The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"
 The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and
 keeps on tickin'!"

 A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his
 right sipping on a fruity margarita.  "So, what do you call
 your penis?" The other gentleman turns to him and proudly
 exclaims "FORD".  The customer thinks how this naming thing
 works and says, "Because quality is Job 1?"  The gentleman
 replies, "No. Let me ask you, have you driven a Ford, lately?"

 Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment
 before he comes up with a name for his penis.  He turns to
 the bartender and exclaims,  "The name of my penis is Secret.
 Now give me my beer."

 The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with
 a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"

 The customer says "Strong enough for a man but made for a

Subj:     Soft Breasts And Hard Dicks (S609c)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
      and From: CKButch4Femme on 9/11/2008

 A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a
 question.  As he turns to go to the front desk, he
 accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does,
 his elbow goes into her breast.

 They are both quite startled.  The man turns to her and
 says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I
 know you'll forgive me."

 She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm
 in room 436"

Subj:     How To Use 'Maintain'
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #199 on 97-09-29

 From the Toronto Globe and Mail Newspaper:

 A pharmacist at a busy retail store received a phone call
 from a frantic man.  He wanted to know the side effects
 of Maintain.

 Maintain is a topical nerve blocker, which temporarily
 blocks sensations, and is used to treat premature
 ejaculation in men.

 The pharmacist explained to the man that a skin rash is
 always a possibility, but most people have no problem with
 this product.  The man was still upset, so the pharmacist
 finally asked him if there was a specific problem he was
 having with the product.

 He explained that he and his wife had just used the
 Maintain, and now his wife was slurring her words, and
 unable to control her tongue very well.

Subj:     The Cyber Harness (S503b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 9/6/2006
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)

 This cute, dirty, animated GIF can be seen by clicking 'HERE'.

                           -(o o)-
............................From Smiley_Central.