penis1

.
.

>>>
Subj: Penis1 Jokes
(Includes 26 jokes and articles, 19671n,4)

Penis1 has long jokes
Penis2 has jokes
Penis3 contains oddities and short jokes
============================================================Top

Subj:     Dicks From Around The World .... (S473b)
          From: auntiegah
          on 2/8/2006

Cute, witty set of drawings. You can see it on my web site
by clicking 'HERE'.
                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:    Rewritten "I will survive" Song (S463b)
         From: auntiegah on 12/7/2005

Sing along to the tune of "I will survive" when you read this.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on....

But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a big Mac and you've bought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans!

Go on now go, walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't catch you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count???!

(Chorus)
I will survive!! I will survive! 'Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life is gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex with a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive!
Hey! Hey!

(2nd verse)
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with all your egos and to hell with all your needs
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!

(Chorus)
I will survive! I will survive!
'Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life is gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex with a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive!
Hey! Hey!

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Canadian Sex Criminals (S278b)
          From: wayweirdon 5/31/2002

Canadian lawmakers take sex crimes extremely serious.
Currently, Canadian lawmakers are passing a bill that
will keep sex offenders in permanent "lock down" even
after they are released from prison.

The bill is titled "Holland Ice Cup", and should be passed
into law by next week. The new "Holland Ice Cup" law is a
device that acts much like a pair of handcuffs, but they
are handcuffs for the male testicles. The testicles of a
sex offender will be kept in this metal grip from the
moment they leave prison until the day they die.

The test case study for this new law met with the press
recently and explained how serious this law is, "I was
arrested for stealing a porno magazine and spent 2 hours
in jail. When I get out I have these on my nuts."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     The Voodoo Dick (S463b, S615)
          From: darrell94590 on 12/8/2005
      and From: gattica30 on 10/20/2008

This lady walks into her psychiatrist one day and says:
"Doctor, I just can't have an orgasm." "Do you masturbate?",
he says. "No luck". is the reply. "How about cunnilingus?"
"Nope" "Kick-start vibrator?" "Wakes up the neighbors, but
not me." she complains. "Hmm, looks like a problem. Wait
here." The doctor says as he walks into the next room. He
walks out with a black velvet case and places it on his lap.
Her eyes widen as he opens it, revealing its contents.

"What is it", she gasps.

"It's a VOODOO DICK," he proclaims, as he hoists the foot-
long, meaty shaft from the case. "It is VERY powerful, but
it can fulfill your every desire. Watch. VOODOO DICK,
hand!" he commands. The dick leaps across his lap into his
open palm faster than the eye can see. "Ooooh", she sighs.
"VOODOO DICK, case." The dick returns in a shot to its case.
"You may take this, but you must promise NOT to abuse its
power."

"Certainly, of course, anything you say," she sputters as
the wetness in her mouth matches the wetness in her panties.
So she takes the magic missile with her, thanking the good
doctor and hurrying out to her car. She can't wait to get
home, so she prys the lid open on the seat next to her.
"VOODOO DICK, hand!" she commands. It flies eagerly into
her hand. She is amazed by the size of this veiny tool,
and quickly removes her underwear. "VOODOO DICK, pussy!"
she screams, and it obliges. Burying itself inside her in
an instant, she gasps with pleasure. "VOODOO DICK, fuck me."
It begins to thrust in and out. "VOODOO DICK, faster!" It
quickens the pace while the woman sits in sexual bliss.
Unbelievable sensations course through her body. "VOODOO
DICK, harder!" It pounds away furiously as orgasms begin,
one after the other. Soon the woman begins to tire,
unaccustomed to this sort of satisfaction. "VOODOO DICK,
stop."

BUT IT WON'T STOP !!!!!! "VOODOO DICK, stop now!", she
yells. It continues its relentless assault. "Quit it,
VOODOO DICK. That hurts" It is oblivious to her desires.
She finally manages to wrench it from her pussy and throw
it out the window. Just as she gets the window rolled up,
it is there against the glass, trying to get it.

She quickly starts the car and screeches away in terror.
60, 70, 80 mph. The VOODOO DICK hot on (and for) her tail.
90, 100. The woman starts to pull away as the dick fades
away behind the last corner. Sirens blare.

The women is babbling senselessly as the officer approaches
her car. "You-you have to let me go. There is this-this
thing- gotta go" she yells. "Lady, you were doing 100 miles
an hour. What the hell is your problem?"

"You don't under-understand. There is this VOODOO DICK
following me." she sputters.

"A WHAT?", the cop yells?

"A magic VOODOO DICK. It's after me!" she exclaims.

To which the cop replies, "VOODOO DICK, my ass!"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Holding My Penis (S603c)
          (also see 'Dick Holding' below)

This couple got married as couples tended to do in the
good old days, went on the honeymoon, had sex. You know
the story. This couple had just had sex (sorry made love)
on their honeymoon when the wife noticed that her new
husband was holding his penis.

"Why are you doing that" she asked.

"I always hold my penis when I go to sleep" he replied.

"How cute" she exclaimed, "May I hold it for you".

"Sure" he agreed, and she did and they both fell asleep.

As the years rolled by, the couple were very happy falling
asleep together with her holder his penis. Then one day
he ups and leaves her for another woman.

Well she's distraught. What has she done? Why did he
leave? Hadn't she always been a devoted, loving wife.
What went wrong?

She happens to discovers him having lunch with his new
lover, a sick looking old women. How could he leave her
for this deasesed old hag. She desides to comfront them.
Marches up and bangs the table to get their attention.
"What has she got that I don't?" she demands.

"Parkinsons desease" he replys.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Dick Holding
          From: Tom_Adams on 98-05-08
          (also see 'Holding My Penis' above)

An elderly man and woman met after both moved into a
retirement home. They got pretty friendly and really
enjoyed each other's company. After about three weeks,
the man said, "I know we are both old and can't do much
sexually anymore, but if I pulled out my penis, would
you hold it?"

The woman saw no harm in it, so she agreed. Every day
for the next month the couple would sit in the park by
the lake and the old woman would hold the man's penis.

One day the man didn't show up at their regular meeting
place. Concerned, the woman set out to search for him.
She spotted him on a park bench farther down the shoreline
with another woman beside him. As she approached she saw
that his penis was in the other woman's hand.

Enraged and hurt, she said, "We have been together for two
months and I thought we were getting along just fine. Now
I find you here with this other woman. What does she have
that I don't?"

"Parkinson's," the old man said with a smile.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Drug Makes Your Dick Last (S135, S485)
          From: icohen on 8/31/99
      and From: jtgalvan on 5/10/2006

Once upon a time, in Ancient Egypt, a man walked into the
Apothecary. (Egyptian equivalent of a Pharmacy or Drugstore.)
He walked up to the counter, and said: "One Rhino's Horn,
Please." The Apothecary was startled and said, "But Sir!
Most people require only a fraction of an ounce of this
precious aphrodisiac!"

"Look, I need this so just sell it to me and I'll be on my
way," replied the Customer. "Why? This will cost over three
times its weight in gold! Are you sure you wish to purchase
it?", the Apothecary queried.

The man looked a bit annoyed, and explained his situation.
"Right. Tonight, I've got three of the most stunningly
attractive women coming round tonight, and I know for a fact
that none of them have had any sex for more than a year and
that they're crying for it. You know, "Gaggin' for a Shaggin'".
That sort of thing. I've got to be in TOP Form, ready to
satisfy!"

"Well Sir, you do seem to have a genuine need for it. If
you'll just step over here..." The Apothecary weighed the
man's gold and with a look in his eyes that you only see in
men who've just made a ridiculous profit, handed over a full
Rhino's Horn to his customer. The man left the Shop with a
silly smile on his face.

Night Passed.....

The next afternoon, the same man came back to the Apothecary,
looking terrible. His eyes were glazed and bloodshot, his
skin was drawn and his cheeks pinched. He had huge bags under
his eyes, and the whole area around his eyes were black with
fatigue. His hair was lank and greasy, and his stubble was
not designer. He was basically a wreck. He staggered up to
the counter and gasped, "A tube of 'Deep Heat" menthol rub,
please. I'm desparate."

"Good grief. What ever for Sir?", inquired the Apothecary.
Without a second thought, the man immediately undid his robe-
belt, and dropped his sack-cloth slacks.

"Take a look at that!", he said as he placed his penis on the
Apothecary's counter. The Apothecary winced. The man's penis
was in no better shape than his customer, it was reddened,
rubbed raw, bleeding in places, and definitely the worse for
wear.

"You're going to put 'Deep Heat' on THAT!?", the Apothecary
asked. "Do you know how painful it will be on your dick?"

"Oh, no. It's not for my penis. It's for my wrists....the
girls didn't show up last night."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     King Arthur Returns From Quest (S14)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #13
          (Also see 'King Arthur's Chastity Belt' in KNIGHT)

Once, in ancient times, King Arthur informed the Knights
of the Round Table that he was about to embark on another
quest. As was the custom in those days, he acquired a
chastity belt for Guinivere to wear while he was gone.
This was no ordinary chastity belt because besides the
lock, there was also a miniature guillotine hidden inside.
So, off went the king and it was six months before his
return.

Upon his arrival he called for an assemblege of his
Knights of the Round Table. He had them line up and
lower their pants. One by one, he inspected them and
was dismayed to see that each reveiled a heavily bandaged
area - all except for Lancelot who didn't have a scratch.

"So, Lancelot," the King said, embracing him, "you are the
only Knight of the Round Table who did not betray my
friendship and trust. Tell me which of my treasures you
would have and it shall be yours!"

Lancelot answered: "Nnnmm nnn nn mnnn..."

                           \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Golfer Hits Hole In One And Meets Genie
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #84

A guy is out golfing alone one day and shoots a hole in one
on the 13th hole, a short par 3. When he picks the ball up
out of the cup, a genie pops out of the hole and says, "You
got a hole in one, so I'll grant you any one wish you want."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "I'd like to have the
longest dick in the world." Poof. Done. The genie
disappears and the guy attempts to finish the round, but it
is nearly impossible. His dick is so long, it's dragging
on the ground, victim to every stone, pebble, and bramble
along the way. He even stepped on the end a couple of
times.

In obvious pain, he finally makes his way to the clubhouse
where the greenskeeper asks him what's wrong. He relates
the story and the tragic consequences. The greenskeeper
says, "Ah, that genie again. I'm afraid the only thing I
know you can do is to take a case or two of golf balls
back to the hole and keep hitting shots until you get
another hole in one. Then ask the genie for another wish."

This makes sense to the guy, so he makes his way very
gingerly back to the 13th tee and hits literally hundreds
of golf balls in serious discomfort until he gets lucky
and shoots another hole in one. On pulling his ball out
of the cup, the genie again appears: "You got a hole in
one, so I'll grant you any one wish you want."
The guy looks around, and with a smile on his face says,
"I'd like to have longer legs!"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Mom Explains The Facts Of Life To Daughter
          (See 'Dad Explains The Facts Of Life II' in KIDS1
           and 'How To Get Babies' below)

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family
when her youngest daughter walks in.

Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and
get married. One night they go into their room...they
kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.)
That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina.
That's how you get a baby, honey.

Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into
you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth.
What do you get when you do that?

Mom: Jewelry, dear.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top

Subj:     Mom Explains The Facts Of Life To Daughter II (S563)
          From: ginafm on 11/4/2007

You can view this cute, dirty, picture story on my web site
by clicking 'HERE'.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     How To Get Babies (S280)
          From: http://www.twistedhumor.com on 9/29/2000
         (See 'Dad Explains The Facts Of Life II' in KIDS1
           and 'Mom Explains The Facts Of Life To Daughter' above)

One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached
her mother, and announced that she had learned how you
get a baby. The mother was amused and said, "Oh really
sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl then explained, "Well, the mommy and daddy
take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's wiener
stands way up high, and the mommy kneels on the floor and
puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy's
wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the
mommy's mouth, and then the mommy swallows the sticky juice,
and that's how you get a baby."

The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to
meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but
that's not how you get a baby. That's how you get jewelry."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Dick Replaced With Elephant Trunk (S05, S609)
          (See 'Three Guys Get Elephant Parts' in ELEPHANT)

A guy gets his penis severed in a car accident. When he
wakes up in the hospital, he rings for the doctor. The
doctor comes in and tells him what happened. "So what
are my options?" the patient asks.

"You have two options: we can sew your penis back on, but
it will cost you about a million dollars. Or...we can
sew on a baby elephant's trunk. It will look a bit
different, but it will feel the same and that will only
cost about a thousand dollars."

The guy says, "Well, I'm low on cash so I'll have to go
with the elephant trunk."

About two weeks later the guy is out to dinner with some
friends, when all of a sudden the trunk comes up from
under the table, grabs a biscuit, then returns back
under the table. The guy thinks, "Shit, I hope nobody
saw that!" About five minutes later, the trunk comes up
and grabs another biscuit. This time the guy's friends
see it.

"Holy shit! What the fuck was that?" his friends ask.
So the guy tells them the story of the accident and the
surgery. "Wow, that's awesome! Can you do that again?"
they ask.

The guy says, "Well, I probably could, but I don't think
my ass could take another biscuit!"

Top
Second version
Subj: Man Gets Elephant Muscles (S291)
From: thebartend on 97-11-28

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble
getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well
the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of
your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do
for you except if you're willing to try an experimental
treatment." Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"

"Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the
muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them
in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought
of going through life without ever having sex again is too
much, let's go for it." A few weeks after the operation
Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment.
He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took
her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs
that continued to the point of being painful. To release
the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately
sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table,
grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.

His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a
sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

Jack replied with his eyes watering, "Well, I guess so,
but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Puppet Show (S401)
          From: JokesUncut on 7/14/2004
          At: www.ezines4all.com/at200406/019.htm

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Air Force Man Has Long Dick
          From Bawdy.Net Collage #165
          (Also see 'Penis Keeps Growing' in this file)

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well
endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force
doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room
to remedy the situation.

The first doctor said, "We`ll just take a big hunk off the
end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his
sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We`ll just take a big hunk out of
the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would
change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We`ll just take a big hunk off the
base of it." They discussed it and said that would give
him erection problems.

The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running done
her cheeks.

The nurse cried, "Can`t we just make his legs longer?"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Man Thinks His Wife Is Unfaithful
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #172

A man was sitting in a bar one evening looking pretty
bummed-out.

The bartender notices him and asks what's wrong. The man
replies that he believes that his wife is being unfaithful
but isn't sure how to confront her about it. The bartender
replies, "Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home,
pull down your pants, point to your willy and ask her what
it is.

If she say's its a dick, then that means she's lost her
innocence and shyness which would indicate that she has
been sleeping aroung. If she say's it's a pecker then
that indicates that she is still shy and innocent."

The man decides to give it a try and immediately goes home
to summon his wife. As she enters the living room, our
friend drops his pants, points to his member and asks her
what it is.

"Oh, that's a pecker." responds his wife.

The man lets out a big sigh of relief and exclaims. "Whew,
I was afraid you were going to call it a dick."

His wife responds, "Oh no, that's a pecker all right. A
dick is twice that size!"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Dick Rings
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
          (Also see 'Clinton Has A Red Rash' in POLIT-CLINTON-SCANDAL1)

Guy goes out drinking and bar hopping and gets real loaded.
Has a great time and wakes up the next day but can't
remember much about last night except he knows he had a
great time. Goes into the bathroom to take a leak and sees
two rings around his dick. One ring is red and the other
is brown. He gets really worried so he goes to see his
doctor.

"Doc, he says, I was out drinking last night. I don't
remember too much but when I woke up and went to piss I
saw these two rings around my dick. What the hell are
they from?"

Doctor takes a look and says, "Hmmm, I don't know. Let me
run some quick tests and I'll see if I can't find out what
they're from."

Doctor goes out and comes back in ten minutes and says,
"Well, I've got good news and bad news. How do you want it?"

"Give me the good news first Doc."

Doc says, "The good news is the red ring is lipstick."

"And the Bad news Doc?" asks the guy.....

"The bad news is the brown ring is Skoal."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Gay Bar Requires Dick Naming (S26, S326b)
          From: DR SWITZER on 98-01-14
      and From: CKButch4Femme on 4/25/2003

This guy walks into a bar and after only taking two steps
in, he realizes it's a gay bar but says, "What the heck, I
really want a drink".

When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer,
"What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says "Look, I'm just not into that. All I
want is a drink".

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you
until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for
instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.'
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,'
because 'It really Satisfies."

The customer turns the man sitting to his left who is
sipping on a beer and asks "hey bud, what's the name of
your penis?" The gentleman with a smile looks back and
says "TIMEX". The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and
keeps on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his
right sipping on a fruity margarita. "So, what do you call
your penis?" The other gentleman turns to him and proudly
exclaims "FORD". The customer thinks how this naming thing
works and says, "Because quality is Job 1?" The gentleman
replies, "No. Let me ask you, have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment
before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to
the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret.
Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with
a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"

The customer says "Strong enough for a man but made for a
woman."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     50 Inch Long Penis (S307b)
          From: ipkis on 97-07-02
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 12/19/2002

A man with a 50 inch long penis goes to his doctor to
complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex
with him. They all tell me that my penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any
way you can shorten it?" The doctor replied, "Medically
son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch
who may be able to help you."

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch,
my penis is 50 inches long and I can't get any women to
have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?" The witch
asked him to "Pull it out and let me look at it." The man
uncoils his 50 inch penis. The witch stares in amazement,
scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a
solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to
this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a
frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma.
First you must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time
the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be ten
inches shorter."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.
He came upon the pond and sure enough, there sat this frog
on a log. He called out to the frog, "will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO". The
man looked down and suddenly his penis was 10 inches shorter.
"WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!! But it's still
too long at 40 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me
again."

"Frog, will you marry me?," the guy shouted. The frog
rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and
it was another 10 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is
fantastic."

He looked down at his penis again, 30 inches long, and
reflected for a moment. Thirty inches is still a monster,
just a little less would be ideal. So, I'll ask the frog to
marry me one more time. Grinning, he looked across the pond
and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, "NO....
NO..........and for the last time..........NO."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     The Teacher And The Penis (S24)
         From: ipkis on 97-07-09

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she
noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny
letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking
for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off
and began class.

The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board
again; this time it was written about halfway across the
board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit,
so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom
and found the same disgusting word written on the board,
each day's being larger than the previous one, and each
being rubbed off vigorously.

At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to
be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found
the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Soft Breasts And Hard Dicks (S609c)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
      and From: CKButch4Femme on 9/11/2008

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a
question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he
accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and
says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I
know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm
in room 436"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Sun Burned Dick (S29)
          From: sking on 97-08-17

A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde
female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his
apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young
man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in
order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show,
he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof,
and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade".
But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so
he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and
the young man treated her to a homecooked dinner, after
which they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn
started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went
into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk.

He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and
experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde,
however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the
kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass
of milk.

Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how
you guys load those things!"

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     How To Use 'Maintain'
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #199 on 97-09-29

From the Toronto Globe and Mail Newspaper:

A pharmacist at a busy retail store received a phone call
from a frantic man. He wanted to know the side effects
of Maintain.

Maintain is a topical nerve blocker, which temporarily
blocks sensations, and is used to treat premature
ejaculation in men.

The pharmacist explained to the man that a skin rash is
always a possibility, but most people have no problem with
this product. The man was still upset, so the pharmacist
finally asked him if there was a specific problem he was
having with the product.

He explained that he and his wife had just used the
Maintain, and now his wife was slurring her words, and
unable to control her tongue very well.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj:     Penis Keeps Growing S230)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #226 on 97-10-18
      and From: gheckman on 6/23/2001
      (also see 'Air Force Man Has Long Dick' in this file)

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer,
he was delighted. Several weeks and several inches later,
he became concerned and went to see a urologist. While his
wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained
that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor
surgery.

The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after
the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need
for surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.

"Crutches???" the surprised doctor asked.

"Well, yes," the woman said nonchalantly, "You are going to
lengthen his legs, aren't you? "

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top

Subj:     The Cyber Harness (S503b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult
          on 9/6/2006

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19951106
This cute, dirty, animated GIF can be seen at the source
above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================

Smiley pees from
Smiley_Central

.
.
.