Subj: Penis2 Jokes
(Includes 38 jokes and articles, 10960,5,no ads,vXT,3)
Clown ? Mouse
Badger's Animated GIF Gallery
Penis1 has long jokes
Penis2 has jokes
Penis3 contains oddities and short jokes
Subj: Wow, Your Baby Is So Small (S960)
From: Tom Mason on Facebook
German Ketchup Technique (S475c,d)
From: darrell94590 on 2/21/2006
This funny German commercial
was banned on TV. Click on
the above source, or 'HERE'. for my copy, to learn how to
get a Handjob - Like A Bottle Of Ketchup.
Subj: Self-Examination (S459, S688)
From:LABLaughsAdult on 11/10/2005
Our instructor was lecturing
about self-examination of the
breast or testicles when a female student asked another male
student and me if we ever got an erection while we did
self-examination of our testicles. We answered that it was
possible that we had. You know, you don't really want
everyone to know when you get aroused. She then asked, "What
do you do about it?" We said in unison, "Nothing, why?"
She then said, "You mean you go around with a hard penis all
day?" We said no way! She then states, "You mean a man's
penis will go down without having an orgasm?" We both said
yes. At which time she says, "I'm going to kill my husband!"
Subj: Cucumber, Pickle, And Penis Talk (S396b)
From: ICohen on 8/24/2004
A cucumber, a pickle and a penis
were all sitting around
one day talking about how much their lives sucked.
The cucumber said, "Man, my life
sucks. Whenever I get big,
fat, and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."
So, the pickle looks at him and
says, "You think you have it
bad? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone puts me in
vinegar, puts spices on me and sticks me in a jar."
The penis glared at them
both and said, "You guys think you
have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put
a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang
my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out."
Subj: Doctor Helps Man Get Erections (S319)
From: JokesUncut on 3/12/2003
There was a man who had a problem
getting an erection so
he goes to the doctor. The doctor takes all kinds of
tests and finally decides that he can cure the man.
The doctor tells the man to go
home and wait until his
wife is asleep, and then to reach down between her legs
and get a little love juice on his finger and rub it
under his nose, and that this would stimulate his brain
and then he would get an erection.
The man takes the doctor's advice
and that night after
his wife has gone to sleep he reaches down between her
legs and gets some of her juice and he rubs it on his
upper lip right under his nose. After a minute or two
he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he
grabs some more juice and rubs it under his nose. The
next thing he knows he has a full erection.
He is real excited he wakes up
his wife to share in the
good news. He wakes her up and says "Look Honey! Look
what I've got!"
She rolls over, looks at him
and asks: "You wake me up
at two in the morning to show me you've got a nose bleed?"
Subj: Orange Penis (S288)
From: dogbyte on 8/7/2002
A guy goes to a doctor and says,
"Doc, you've got to help
me. My penis is orange."
The doctor pauses to think and
asks the guy to drop his
pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't
orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Some-
times things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a
Probing as to the causes of possible
stress, the doc asks
the guy, "How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was
fired about six weeks ago.
The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the
stress. The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real ass-
hole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and
I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a
new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours,
I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the
boss is a really great guy."
So the doc figures this isn't
the reason. He asks the guy,
"How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got
divorced about eight months ago."
The doc figures that this has
got to be the reason for all
of the guys stress.
But the guy says, "No.
For years, all I listened to was
nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!"
So the doc takes a few minutes
to think a little longer.
He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"
The guy replies, "No, not really.
Most nights I just sit
at home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!!!"
Subj: Three Women Compete (S245b, DU)
From: thebartend on 10/11/2001
Three young women are at a cocktail
party. The conversation
turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are
trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, "My husband
is taking me to the French
Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the
others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my
husband just bought me a new
Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, "Well, to
be perfectly honest with you,
we don't have much money and we don't have any material
possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my
husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to
shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks
shamefaced! and says,
"Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying
to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you
about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my
parents house for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty
has shamed me. It's not
a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth."
"Well," the third one says, "I
also have a confession to
make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"
Subj: Body Builder Strips (S242b, DU)
From: thebartend on 9/21/2001
A body builder picks up a woman
at a bar and takes her home
with him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says, "What
a great chest you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite."
He takes off his pants and the
woman says, "What massive
calves you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's
another 100 lb. of
dynamite." He then takes off his underwear and the woman
goes running and screaming out of the apartment.
The body builder puts his clothes
back on and chases after
her. He finally catches up to her and asks why she ran out
of the apartment.
The woman replies, "I was afraid
to be around all that
dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."
Subj: Penis Asks For Raise (S231, S476b)
From: ICohen on 7/2/2001
and From: jbcary1 on 3/3/2006
I, the penis, hereby request
a raise in salary for the
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I am not paid overtime.
My workplace is dark and has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments
you have raised, the administration rejects your request
for the following reasons:
You do not work eight hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the
You do not stay in your allocated position, and
often visit other areas.
You do not take initiative - you need to be
pressured and stimulated to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end
of your shift.
You do not always observe necessary safety regulations,
such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before reaching 65.
You're unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your allocated position
before you have completed the day's work.
Finally, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving
the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Herschel The Magnificent (S830d)
From: AFine963 on 12/1/2012
Photo from YouTube.com
Lou Charloff was born in Romania
and moved to New York
(specifically, the Bronx) when he was two years old.
He speaks five languages and served as an interpreter
for the military government of occupied Germany after
World War II. Four years ago, he decided to try his
hand at stand-up comedy in Los Angeles, making him,
simultaneously, one of the oldest and one of the newest
comics in the business.
||Click on either source,
or 'HERE' for my
copy, to see and hear Lou's cute, old joke.
Or click on http://blip.tv/oldjewstellingjokes
Drawing from OldJewsTeTellingJokes.com
A salesman visits a little town
and he sees a sign for the
circus and it reads "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein."
Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual
circus acts...animals, clowns, contortionists, and other
questionable acts. Finally the trumpets blare and all
eyes turn to the center ring.
There in the middle of the ring
is a table with three
walnuts on it. In comes a little old Jewish man, almost
five feet tall and barely able to walk to the table. He
unzips his pants and whips out his lengthy tool and
proceeds to smash all three walnuts with three mighty
swings! The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the
elderly Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of
Twenty years later the salesman
visits the same little
town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the
same "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein."
The salesman can't believe the
old guy is still alive
much less still doing his act!
Again he buys a ticket sits through
the acts and again the
center ring is illuminated. This time three coconuts are
on the table and old Goldstein takes forever to make it to
the table. He smashes the coconuts with three swings of
his amazing weapon and the crowd goes crazy!
The salesman requests a meeting
with him after the show.
In his dressing room he tells him he's never seen anything
like the act. But he wants to know why he is now smashing
coconuts instead of the much easier walnuts.
"Hey," says Goldstein, "at my
age, my eyes aren't what
they used to be!"
Subj: 5 Reasons Not To Be A Penis... (S476c)
From: jbcary1 on 3/3/2006
1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and
5. Every time you get excited,
you throw up and then faint.
Subj: Mr. Goldstein's Penis Dies (S230)
From: gheckman on 6/25/2001
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was
living the last of his life
in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and
depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr.
Goldstein, "My penis died today,
and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and
sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr.
Goldstein, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Goldstein
was walking down the hall
with his penis hanging out of his pajamas. "Mr. Goldstein,"
said Nurse Tracy, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall
like this. Please put your penis back inside your pajamas."
"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr.
Goldstein, "I told you
yesterday that my penis died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but
why is it hanging out of
"Well," he replied. "Today is the viewing."
Subj: Nudist Sends Photo To Grandma (S190)
From: KMACINTY on 9/21/00
A man moves into a nudist colony.
He receives a letter
from his grandmother asking him to send her a current
photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed
to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts
a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of
He's really worried when he realizes
that he sent the wrong
half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight
is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives
a letter from his grandmother.
It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style
....it makes your nose look too short.
Subj: Texan Has A Baby (S143, S413)
From: KMacinty on 10/26/1999
and From: drgolfmd on 12/20/2004
A Texan is drinking in a New
York bar, when he gets a call
on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear,
and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar
because, he announces, his wife has just produced a baby
boy weighing 15 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new
baby can weigh in at 15
pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average
down home, folks. Like I said, "My boy's a typical Texas
baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around,
and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman
actually faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're
the father of that typical
Texas baby that weighed 15 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two
weeks. We were gonna call you. So... How much does he weigh
The proud father answers, "11
pounds." The bartender is
puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 15
pounds the day he was born!
The Texas father takes a slow
swig from his long-neck Lone
Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into
the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised "
Subj: Man In Accident Looses Penis (S125b, S639b)
From: From: Imogenelumen on 4/13/2004
and From: tom on 4/7/2009
A man was in a terrible accident,
and his "manhood" was
mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him
that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but
that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it
was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would
be $3,500 for "small, $6,500
for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he
would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to
talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their
The doctor came back into the
room, and found the man
looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?"
asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel
Subj: Penis Problems (S83, S466)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #270 on 98-08-31
and From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/20/2005
Please don't feel bad.
It wasn't you entering the men's
washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to
him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare us guys
ever hit what were aiming for.
Sometimes I go into the washroom,
start to pee, and then
just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit
something. You see, something you ladies should under-
stand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their
own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the
urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet,
and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll
of toilet paper, down his left pant leg,and onto his shoe.
I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years
my wife has me trained. I'm
no longer allowed to pee like a man standing up. I am
required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that
this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone
to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on
a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet
because I forgot to put the seatdown, she was going to
kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't
usually like to talk about,
but because you and I have become such good friends and you
think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you
because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be
understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".
Most mornings us guys wake up
with two things. A
tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could
cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try,
you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend
you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no
choice but to piss all over the wall paper and that damn
fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the
And by the way, when you use
those damn fuzzy toilet seat
covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself.
So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet
seat and the other hand to try to control our less than
Now sometimes, when you're newly
married, (and I know the
guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get
the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You
jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat
stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that
compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning
that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack
off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat
with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain
this morning situation to my
wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "so
sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time."
OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".
Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat,
and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath
towels hanging on the wall across the room.
Now, even if you are sitting
down and you can get it forced
down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee
shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet
seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back
of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs onto
that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on
the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective
maneuver to deal with this
morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman
position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great
deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision
but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl
during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand
that us men are not totally
to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene
and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things
just get beyond our control.
It's not our fault, it's just
Mother Nature. Now, if it
was Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem!
Subj: Squeeze The Veg - Cartoon (416b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/14/2005
Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
..........To see an older version of this cartoon click 'HERE'.
Subj: Man Has Sex With Pumpkin (S76)
From: auntieg on 98-07-14
Police arrested Jon Terrence
McCarter, a 27 year old white
male, resident of Dixon, IL, in the Sanderson Pumpkin patch
at 11:38pm Friday. McCarter will be charged with lewd and
lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxi-
cation at the County courthouse Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated
that as he was passing a
pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is
soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here
for miles. At least I thought there wasn't." he stated in
a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. McCarter
went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his
purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his
alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you
know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, McCarter apparently
failed to notice the
Dixon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of
his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said
officer Taylor. "I walked up to (McCarter) and he's...
just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to
describe what happened when she approached McCarter.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse
me sir, but do you
realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real
surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in
the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight
Taylor arrested him but said
that the suspect accepted his
predicament in good humor. "I have to give him credit...
that was a quick comeback." Taylor said of the man's
comment. Taylor summed up the event with one statement.
"Seven years I've been patrolling this area; this was a
Subj: Man Goes Into Hospital For Circumcision (S61)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #78 on 98-03-28
A man was experiencing chronic
infections so he took his
urologist's advice and entered the hospital for a routine
circumcision. When he came to, he was perturbed to see a
large group of doctors standing around his hospital bed.
"What's up doc?" he asked nervously.
"Uh, well......there's been a
bit of a mix-up," admitted his
surgeon. "I'm afraid that instead of a circumcision, we
performed a sex-change operation on you. You now have a
very nice vagina instead of a penis."
"What!" gasped the patient. "You
mean I'll never experience
"Oh, I'm sure you *will*, reassured
the doctor, "only it'll
be somebody else's."
Husband Wants A Big Dick Like Bubba's
From: thebartend on 6/4/00 (S175, S514)
Bubba drawing from Quizarama
The man asked Bubba, "I don't
mean to be too personal, but
how did your dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice."
Bubba laughed and said, "Every night before bed, I bang it
on the bedpost 3 times. Heck, it impresses the girls at
The husband was excited at the
simplicity of this technique
and could hardly wait to try it himself! Before he climbed
into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the
bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with
newfound confidence when the wife sits up, half-asleep and
rubbing her eyes, and says, "Bubba, is that you?"
Subj: Man Needs Help At Urinal (S60)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #237 on 98-03-26
(Also see 'Man Needs Help Pissing' in BATHROOM)
A man visiting a Disabled American
Veterans Post found him-
self answering the call of nature in the men's room. As he
walked in and squared off in front of the urinal he noticed
an older gentleman standing in front of a urinal just down
The man was just standing there
looking at the urinal with
his hands in his pockets. As the visitor finished he asked
the gentleman if he could use some help. To which the
gentleman replied, "I would be most grateful if you could
assist me by unzipping my fly and holding my penis over the
urinal while I relieve myself."
The visitor, was pleased to be
able to help this disabled
veteran, and as he was shaking off the man's penis and
replacing it in his pants he glanced up at the gentleman
and asked, "Korea?".
To which the gentleman answered,
"No, gonorrhea - wouldn't
touch it myself."
Subj: Cutting Off A Husband's Dick (DU)
From: The Bartenders Joke of the Day on 24 Feb 98
In a sleepy town in Central Scotland,
Jimmy and his childhood
sweetheart Morag, are wed. In the Honeymoon bed, Morag lays
down the law: 'Now that we are wed, I have one rule. If you
are ever unfaithful to me I'll chop your bits off!!'
Years pass peacefully, until
one day Morag returns home to
find Jimmy in bed with another woman. True to her word, she
runs out to the garden and returns with a set of garden sheers
and exacts her revenge. Still gripping the severed giblets,
she leaps into her car and flees. She speeds through the
village, swerving from left to right in her rage. This
attracts the attention of two local coppers - Bill and Bob
who take off in pursuit. Seeing them in her rear view mirror,
Morag panics, winds down the window and hurls out the evidence,
which thumps with a bloody splat! on Bob and Bill's windscreen.
'Mother of God' swears Bill,
'Did you see the size of the dick
on that fly?'
Subj: Stuttering Problem (S38, S397)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #226 on 97-10-18
and From: Anonymous Junior on 8/25/2004
Source: (Removed from sex-jokes-4all.com)
A man had a bad case of stuttering.
He went to many doctors
over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally
one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your
stuttering". The man asked, "Wha.. wha.. wha..what is my
pro.. pro.. problem."
The doctor replied, "Your penis
is very, very large. The
weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx,
and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to
this is to perform a penis transplant." The man was really
tired of his stuttering, so he agreed to a transplant.
Several days later the doctor called the man up and informed
him that they have found a suitable donor. The transplant
operation was successfully performed and the man could speak
without any stutter.
At first he was happy, but after
a while he began to miss his
large penis, and how the girls used to love it. He finally
went back to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I am grateful for
the opportunity you have given me to speak without a stutter,
but I miss my old penis. Please find the transplant donor
and tell him that we have to exchange penises back."
The doctor shook his head and
replied, "That's im.. im.. im..
Subj: Teaching His Son How To Pee (DU)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #212 on 97-11-27
A father sees his 4 year old
son make a mess while taking a
pee and decides to teach him the right way to pee. He calls
his son aside and says, "Son, follow these steps when you go
to the toilet.
1) Open your zip.
2) Pull your tool out.
3) Pull back the foreskin.
5) Push the skin back.
6) Zip up your pants."
The next day, father goes near
the toilet, and hears his son
following the six steps, "one, two, three, four, five, six".
Eleven years later, the father,
wondering if his son still
follows the six steps goes near the toilet. He hears his son
saying "one, two, three, five, three, five, three, five,
three, five, three, five, ...., three, five, three, aaahhhhh!!!,
four, five, six".
Circumcision (S116, S514b)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-08-20
and From: RFSlick on 4/15/99
from Yahoo! Images
(Also see 'Mom's Advice' in FACTS2)
A little boy was 8 yrs old when
his parents decided to have
him circumcised (looking different than dad, other kids,
etc). After a few days of recovery, the boy went back to
school. After about an hour, the pain was really starting
to bother him so he asked if he could see the school nurse.
He went to see her but was too embarrassed to tell her what
the problem was. She suggested that he call his Mom and see
if she could come and get him. The nurse waited in the
other room while the call was made.
After a few minutes the little
boy came out and started
walking back to class, but the nurse noticed that his penis
was hanging out of his pants. She said "Johnny, what are
you doing? You can't walk around like that."
He replied, "Well I told my Mom
how much I hurt and she said
that if I could just stick it out till lunchtime she would
come pick me up."
Subj: Two Boys Talk About Circumcision
From: humorlist-digest V1 #238 on 97-11-02
Two five year old boys are standing
at the potty to pee.
One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised."
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
Subj: Female Pharmacists (S453b, S846)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #178 on 97-08-22
and From: AFine963 on 3/26/2013
One day a young man went to a
pharmacy and asked the little
old lady behind the counter if he could speak with the
pharmacist. "I am the pharmacist," she informed him.
"Oh, in that case forget it," he replied and started to leave.
"Young man," the lady said to
him, "my sister and I have been
pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven't
heard, so what is your problem?"
"Well," the young man said reluctantly,
"I have a problem with
erections. Once I get hard, it won't go down for hours and
hours, no matter how much I masturbate or how many times I
have intercourse! Please, can you give me something for it?
"I'll have to go in the back
and talk to my sister." she
informed him. About ten minutes later she came back. "Young
man, I have consulted with my sister and the best we can give
you is $100 a week and a third interest in the pharmacy."
Subj: Husband Visits Witch Doctor For Impotency (S510b)
From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
and From: ICohen on 10/30/2006
After a few years of married
life, this guy finds that he is
unable to "perform" anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his
doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him
"this is all in your mind",
and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the
shrink, the shrink confess, " I am at a loss as to how you
could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers
him to witch doctor. The
witch doctor says, "I can cure this", and throws some powder
on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke ...
The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can
only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and
it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor
"What happens when it's
over?" The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234'
and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for
The guy goes home and that night
he is ready to surprise his
wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and
says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns
over and says "What did you say '123' for???"
Subj: Girl Sees Brothers Dick (DU)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #187
I am fortunate to live next door
to a lovely family of four.
One day at about 5 pm, I was sitting on my porch when I saw
Trisha, the fourteen year old darling of the family, come
running out of their front door. She was clearly agitated
and I motioned her over. She sat down and I asked her what
was going on.
She kind-of stammered a bit,
and then she began to explain
to me that upon arriving home from school, she happened to
walk in on her older brother - he was completely nude. She
had obviously seen some things she had never seen before and
had some thoughts she had never thought before. I said,
"You must have some questions. I would be glad to help you
understand anything you saw."
So she said, "Okay, I do have
questions. First of all, what
was that thing hanging down between his legs?"
I carefully answered, "That is
called a penis," and I explained
the functions of the penis.
She then said, "All right, what
was that enlarged thing at the
end of the, umm, the penis?"
I was in reverse, "Whoops, I
forgot that. That is called the
head of the penis," and I explained the nature of the head.
Then she said, "I only have one
more question - What were
those two large rounded things about 13 or 14 inches back from
the head of the penis?"
And I had to say, "On your brother,
I don't know. But on me,
they're the cheeks of my ass!"
Subj: Penis Extortion (DU)
From: Bawdy.Net All Female Collage #196 on 97-09-14
A girl had devised a device to
cause any car that passed in
front of her house to suddenly break down, but couldn't
find any practical way to profit from it.
So, thinking clearly, she set
up the device, and as the
cars passed the house and broke down, she'd offer the man
in the car a place to stay for the night. Then as soon as
the man was alseep, he'd be jarred awake by her with his
penis in her mouth, and she'd hold a sign up saying "$50 or
I'll bite hard!" Of course usually the guy would pay and
she'd let him go.
Well one day a Newfoundlander
broke down, and had to stay
the night. Sure enough, he felt something between his legs
at night, and there she is with him in her mouth and holding
the sign, "$50 or I'll bite."
The Newfie just smiled and said, "$100 or I'll piss!"
Subj: Hurt Tally Wacker
The mother was cooking dinner
in the kitchen when she heard
a loud shriek from the bathroom. She ran to see what it
was, and found her 5 year old son crying his eyes out.
"What happened!" she demanded.
He tearfully replied, "The toilet
seat fell down and bit my
The mother reached down and rubbed
it a little until the child
asked, "Mommy, will you kiss it and make it better."
She said, "Christ, you get more like your father every day!"
Subj: Man Dates With Little Dick (DU)
This couple has been dating for
about four months, but the
guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because
of his tiny organ.
Finally, he gets up his courage
and takes her to a secluded
spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper
and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
Subj: Magic Mirror And The Penis (DU)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-04-25
A young woman buys an old mirror
at an antique shop and
hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting
undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door,
make my bustline forty-four". There's a brilliant flash
of light, and her breasts are suddenly quite large.
Excitedly, she runs to tell her
husband what happened, and
in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses
his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my
penis much bigger!" But nothing happens. His wife says
"Maybe it has to rhyme, honey." So he thinks for a moment
and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch
the floor!". This time, there's a bright flash... and his
legs fall off.
Subj: Dick Caught In Toilet Paper Dispensor (DU)
PO Box 1302
Minnetonka, MN 55345
Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
1423 W. 90th St.
New York, NY 05016
This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting
a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment
at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an
expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form
(reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put
"Stupidity." I realize now that this answer was somewhat
vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the
circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.
I had needed to use the restroom
and had just finished a
quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the
bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the
moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the
locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such
places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthink-
ingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned
the lid back to its normal position.
Unfortunately, as I did this
I also turned and certain parts
of my body, which were still exposed, were trapped between
the device's lid and its main body. Feeling such intense
and immediate pain caused me to jump back.
It quickly came to my attention
that, when one's privates
are firmly attached to an unmovable object, it is not a good
idea to jump in the opposite direction.
Upon recovering some of my senses,
I attempted to reopen the
lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficient to allow
the locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a
hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them.
I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with
one of my keys; thus extracting myself.
Unfortunately, when I attempted
this, my key broke in the
lock. Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique
position became a minor concern, and I began to call for
help in as much of a calm and rational manner as I could.
An employee from the restaurant quickly arrived and decided
that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store
manager. Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to
unlock the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key
off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no
other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated on your
form in block 21(b)(1)).
After approximately 15 minutes,
the EMS arrived, along with
two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4
"On-the-Spot" news team.
The guys from the fire department
quickly took charge as this
was obviously a rescue operation.
The senior member of the team
discovered that the device was
attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be
reached once the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by
means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next
to the one that I was in. (Since the value of the property
destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductible)
I did not include it in my claim.)
His partner, who seemed like
an intelligent fellow at the
time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the
wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.
The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and
commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I
been in a state to think of such things, I might have realized
that in cutting the device from the wall several things would
also inevitably happen. First, the air inside of the device
would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to
suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing
things in an oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good
conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the
device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And, third,
molten metal would shoer the inside of the device as the torch
The one bright note of the propane
torch was that it did manage
to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole
big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the
device. The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device,
into the waiting ambulance as stated on your form. Due the
small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full
explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I
thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.
Subj: For Girls Who Can't Sleep! (S514c)
From: darrell94590 on 11/25/2006