Subj:     Penis3 Jokes
                 (Includes 99 jokes and articles, 15934n,4,no ads,m4w,3)

          Click "Here" for Penis-Supp

Old Couple on Bus
Funny Pictures Collection
Includes the following:  84 Year Old STUNS Americas Got Talent - Video (S912 -Supp)
.........................Sun Burned Dick (S29 in Supp)
.........................Federally Funded Penis Pumps - Video (S895 in Supp)
.........................50 Inch Long Penis (S307b in Supp)
.........................Perrier Commercial - Video (S642b in Supp)
.........................The Teacher And The Penis (S24 in Supp)
.........................Skeleton Of An Ancient Man - Video (S563c in Supp)
.........................US Medical School Entrance Exam (S836 in Supp)
.........................36 Hours Cialis Commercial - Video (S593b in Supp)
.........................Dennis Miller On Reaching Puberty (S634c in Supp)
.........................Dickens Cider (S604 in Supp)
.........................Man Turned On By His Neighbor's Garage Door (S495 in Supp)
.........................Emergency Medical Advice (S828 in Supp)
.........................Ode To Impotance - The Penis Poem (S404, S926)
.........................The "First" Wives' Penis Names (S234)
.........................Buying A New Penis (S204)
.........................Penis Facts (S166)
.........................A Guide to Blow Job Etiquette (S122, S345)
.........................Top 10 Viagra Slogans Currently Being Considered:
.........................Oral Sex - An Ode To Love
.........................Why E-Mail Is Like A Penis (S51)
.........................Penis Research (S134)
.........................Penis Research II (S476b)
.........................Penis Tax (S175)
.........................The Bobbitt Prayer
.........................Penis Length Survey
.........................Penis Names (S695b)
.........................Names For Masturbation
                         Short Penis Jokes
..............................Pickles Comic Strip (S823 in Supp)
..............................Where's Dildo (S785 in Supp)
..............................Surprise Balloons 25 Cents (S771 in Supp)
..............................Life Is Like A Boner (S613c in Supp)
..............................Happy And Sad In The Same Sentence (S641c in Supp)
..............................Viagra Comic Strip (S598 in Supp)
..............................No Masterbating Sign (S567b in Supp)
..............................Going Blind (S710 in Supp)
..............................Picking Up Girls On The Beach (S566b in Supp)
..............................Teatime Love Bite (S540c in Supp)
..............................What A Bad Dream (S539c in Supp)
..............................Blow Job (S532c in Supp)
..............................Celebrity Dicks (S481b in Supp)
..............................The Good Fairy And The Small Dick (S596 in Supp)
..............................A Man's Life - Photo (S465b)
..............................Wife Catches Husband Cheating (S348b, S592b)
..............................Sexy Peek-A-Boo - GIF (S452)
..............................A Man Named Mort - Poem (S398b)
..............................Englishman Shoots Self In Groin (S397)
..............................Worst Resort Name Ever (S313)
..............................Penis Frozen to Shed (S312b)
..............................Penis Stuck In Zippers (S293b)
..............................Getting Penis Sizing On Internet (S289b)
..............................Breaking Blocks On Your Groin (S285b)
..............................Dangers Of Being A Flasher (S273e)
..............................Boy Forced To Receive Oral Sex (S270b)
..............................Weatherman Predicts Snow (S260c)
..............................Police Officer's Deadly Shot (S256)
..............................Man Stuck In Swimming Pool (S250)
..............................Man Cuts Off His Penis (S245b)
..............................Man Cuts Off His Penis II (S254b)
..............................Puppetry Of The Penis (S243)
..............................Computer Password (S190, S628c)
..............................Lorena Bobbitt's Sister (S183, S349)
..............................For Y2K (S122)
..............................Guy Wants To Be Adam At A Costume Party
..............................Mom Explains The Facts Of Life
..............................It Ain't Easy Being A Dick! (S553)
..............................Toast And The Penis
..............................Willie Nelson Quotation (S597c)

Penis1 has long jokes
Penis2 has jokes
Penis3 contains oddities and short jokes
Subj:     Ode To Impotance (S404, S926)
          From: JokesUncut on 5/13/2004
      and From: Linda Davies on Facebook
 Source: http://s1llypeople.weebly.com/silly-blog/the-penis-poem
Subj:     The "First" Wives' Penis Names (S234)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 7/22/01

 Four "first" wives are talking together about alternatives
 for the word "penis" in their respective countries...

 Cherie Booth, wife of Prime Minister Tony Blair, says in
 England people call it a GENTLEMAN, because it stands up
 when women are entering.

 President Boris Yeltsin's wife Naina says in Russia you call
 it a PATRIOT, because you never know if it will hit you on
 the front or on the backside.

 Bernadette Chodron de Courcel, President Jacques Chirac's
 wife, says in France you call it a CURTAIN, because it goes
 down after the act.

 President Clinton's wife Hillary says in the USA you call
 it a RUMOR, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

Subj:     Buying A New Penis (S204)
          From: ICohen on 12/18/2000

 They had been having a few beers at the bar together
 recounting old times when the call of nature caused them
 to line up at the same time, still deep in conversation.

 Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Chas was very well
 endowed. "I say, that's a remarkable dick you have there."
 Fred was prompted to remark.

 "Wasn't always that way," replied Chas, "medical science
 can do wonders with transplants these days.  I got this
 done over in Harley Street, England.  Cost a thousand
 bucks, but as you can see, well worth every cent."

 Fred was very envious.  In fact, he packed his bag that
 night and flew off to England first thing.

 It was a good six months later before he ran into his old
 friend once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him
 that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with
 the result.

 "But Chas, I will tell you something else," said Fred.
 "You were gypped, I got mine for $500, not a thousand
 like you paid."

 Chas could hardly believe it.  Same address in Harley
 Street, same doctor.  Complaining that he had been ripped
 off, he asked Fred if he could take a look.

 Once more they lined up at the urinals and when Chas took
 a peek over the partition the worried frown which had
 creased his face disappeared.

 "No wonder," he laughed. "That's my old one!"

Subj:     Penis Facts (S166)
          From: JCary on 04/06/2000

 "The Things You Didn't Know About Sex"
     from Cosmopolitan, October 1996

 According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis
 on record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at
 1 3/4 inches.

 The Caramoja tribe of northern Uganda tie a weight on the
 end of their penises to elongate them--sometimes to such a
 degree that the men literally have to knot them up--while
 the Mambas of New Hebrides wrap theirs in yards and yards
 of cloth, making them look up to 17 inches long.

 In 1609, a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in Bologna
 with two penises.  Since then, there have been eighty
 documented cases of men similarly endowed.

 SO LONG THE NIGHT: Among the Mangaians of Polynesia, 18-
 year-old couples make love an average of three times a
 night, every night, until their thirties, when the weekly
 average drops to a mere 14.  That's it?!

 The maximum speed at which erotic sensations travel from
 skin to brain has been clocked at 156 miles per hour.

 A honeymooning couple are suing Holiday Inn for ten
 thousand dollars, claiming their sex life is now
 dysfunctional because an  employee mistakenly walked in
 on them on their wedding night.

 At least 500 Americans die each year from asphyxia in an
 attempt to lessen oxygen flow to the brain in order to
 induce a more powerful orgasm.

 England's King Edward VII, a man of considerable heft, had
 a special table built so that he could comfortably engage
 in sexual intercourse.

 It was considered elegant for aristocratic ladies of the
 sixteenth century to let their pubic hair grow as long as
 possible so it could be pomaded and adorned with bows and

 In fourteenth-century Europe, high-ranking noblemen were
 permitted to display their genitals below a short tunic,
 while those not impressively endowed could, if they chose,
 wear a leather falsie called a briquette.

 Given today's average frequency of sexual intercourse, it
 would take the typical American couple more than four years
 to try every one of the 529 positions described in the Kama

 French President Francois Faure expired in a bordello in
 1899 during the act of copulation, which so terrified his
 lady of the evening that her vagina constricted intractably,
 necessitating the surgical removal of the dead man's member.

 When men of the Walibri tribe of central Australia greet
 each other, they shake penises instead of hands.

 "There may be some things that are better than sex, and
 there may be some things that are worse.  But there is
 nothing exactly like it." --W.C. Fields

Subj:     A Guide to Blow Job Etiquette (S122, S345)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #304 on 5/30/99
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 8/12/2003

  1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
  2. Extension to rule # 1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
  3. I don't care what they did in the porn video you saw,
     it is not standard practice to cum on somebody's face.
  4. Extension to rule # 3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
  5. My ears are not handles.
  6. Extension to rule # 5 - Do not push on the top of my
     head.  Last I heard, deep throat had been done.  And
     additionally, do you really want puke on your dick?
  7. I don't care how relaxed you get - it is NEVER okay
     to fart.
  8. Having my period does not mean that it is "hummer week"
     - get it through your head.  I'm bloated and feel like
     shit, so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to
     blow you just because you can't have sex right now.
  9. Extension to rule # 8 - "Blue balls" might have worked
     on high school girls.  If you're that desperate, go
     jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
 10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my
     teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
 11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games
     immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you
     would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
 12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to
     speculate about the origins of our talent.  Just enjoy
     the moment and be happy that we're good at it.  See
     also rule # 2 about gratitude.
 13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good.  And I don't
     care about the protein content.
 14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
 15. When you hear your friends complain about how they
     don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut.
     It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
 16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not
     mean I have to "kiss it good morning."

 Blowjob Etiquette, The Man's Reply...:

  1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it.  If you
     don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier, and
     dirtier) who will.
  2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell
     of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
  3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef"
     mean anything to you?
  4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about
     it ? be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
  5. If you ever tell me what to say ? not to say to my
     friends again, you won't have to worry about getting
     those little hairs stuck in your teeth...because you
     won't have any.
  6. Maybe if you brushed your teeth ? got the dick off
     your breath we would stick around afterward.
  7. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your
     mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and
  8. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five
     straight days, you need all the fluids you can get,
     trust me.
  9. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell
     you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor
 10. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in
     your mouth.
 11. Play with the balls.
 12. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've
     had better.
 13. Blowjobs are the only reason we spend time with you
     instead of our friends, take that away and you are,
     literally, useless.
 14. Caress the ass, too, we like that.
 15. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the
     morning now, but when you get old ? fat (and you will)
     and looking for some action, gah-ron-tee it'll be
     "sound asleep".
 16. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about
     getting any on your face, now will you?  Leave the
     thinking to us, okay?

Subj:     Top Ten Viagra Slogans Currently Being Considered:
          From: bmd on 98-06-08

 10.   "Viagra.  The quicker dicker upper"
  9.   "One-A-Day, like iron"
  8.   "Get a piece of the rock"
  7.   "You've come a long way, baby"
  6.   "Viagra, it plumps when you taken 'em"
  5.   "Strong enough for a man, but made for
        a woman"
  4.   "Tastes great, more filling"
  3.   "Viagra, built ram tough"
  2.   "Here's the beef"
       and the number one slogan being considered
       by Viagra ---
  1.     "Just do her"

Subj:     Oral Sex - An Ode To Love
         From: Bawdy.Net Collage #237 on 98-03-26

 Penis breath, a lover's dread
 Is what you get when you give head
 Unpleasant as it tends to be
 Be grateful that he doesn't pee

 It's times like this, you wonder why
 You bothered reaching for his fly
 But it's too late, can't be a tease
 Accept the facts, get on your knees

 You know you've got a job to do
 So open wide and shove it through
 Lick the tip then take it all
 Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl

 Slide up and down, use your tongue
 And feel the precum start to run
 Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb
 So when the fuck's he gonna cum

 Just, when you can't take anymore
 You hear your lover's mighty roar
 And when he hits that real high note
 You feel it oozing down your throat

 Salty, fishy, sticky stuff
 Okay already, that's enough
 Let's switch you say, before you gag
 And what revenge, you're on the rag.

Subj:     Why E-mail Is Like A Penis (S51)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #13 on 98-01-14

  1. Some folks have it, some don't.

  2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were
     ever cut off.

  3. Those who have it think that those who don't are
     somehow inferior.

  4. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but
     think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it
     make about it.

  5. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it
     (e-mail envy).

  6. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up,
     but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

  7. In the long distant past, its only purpose was to
     transmit information vital to the survival of the
     species.  Some people still think that's the only
     thing it should be used for, but most folks today
     use it for fun most of the time.

  8. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it
     can spread viruses.

  9. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more
     and more difficult to think coherently.

 10. We attach an importance to it that is far greater
     than its actual size and influence warrant.

 11. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get
     you into a lot of trouble.  You might even be sent to

 12. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind.

Subj:     Penis Research (S134)
          From Bawdy.Net Collage #83
      and From: FrankRoesc on 8/21/99

 Three British educational institutions were commissioned by
 the government to discover why the human penis is the shaped
 the way it is.

 Oxford University allocated a budget of #500,000 for research.
 After 2 years they concluded that the reason the head of the
 penis is wider than the shaft is that it fits better, when in
 situ, so to speak.  This would prevent leakage of semen and
 increase the probability of successful fertilisation.

 Cambridge University spent #750,000 on a research programme
 that lasted 3 years.  The results showed that the penis
 widened near the tip because it maximised the number of
 nerve endings stimulated during sex.  This would lead to
 increased sensitivity and a better chance of impregnation.

 Finally, the Open University spent #2.50 on a copy of Play-
 boy and 10 minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover
 that the penis widens at the tip in order to prevent your
 hand from slipping off the end.

Subj:     Penis Research II (S476b)
          From: darrell94590 on 3/2/2006

 In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why
 the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After
 one year and $180, 000.00, they concluded that the reason
 the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more
 pleasure during sex.

 After the US published the study, France decided to do their
 own study. After $250, 000.00, and 3 years of research, they
 concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure
 during sex.

 Canada, unsatisfied with these findings, concluded their
 own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2
 cases of beer, they concluded that the large head of the penis
 was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in
 the forehead.

Subj:     Penis Tax (S175)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
      and From: CoreyMac on 5/9/00

 To: All Male Taxpayers
 From: Internal Revenue Service
 Re: Notice of increase in Tax Payments

 The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis.
 This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging
 around and unemployed; 20% of the time it is pissed off;
 30% of the time it is hard up; and 10% of the time it is
 in a hole.  On top of all this, it has two dependents and
 they are both nuts.

 Accordingly, starting January 1, 2001, your penis will be
 taxed according to its size.  To determine your category,
 please consult the chart below and confirm this information
 on Page 2, Section 7, Sub-section 9(c), Line 3 on your 1040
 Form which contains a measuring device to accurately
 determine your correct size and correct tax.  If we, the
 IRS, sense that you are lying, you will be required to
 attach a photocopy of your penis to your return.

 TAX CHART-For Additional Taxes Due on Size of Penis
 10" to 12"-----Luxury Tax-----$300.00
  8" to 10"-----Pole Tax--------250.00
  6" to 8" -----Privilege Tax---150.00
  4" to 6" -----Nuisance Tax-----50.00

 NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
 Please do not ask for an extension.  Males exceeding
 12 inches must file under Capital Gains.

From: LABLaughs.com on 7/28/2003

 Issues still under consideration are as follows:
 Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
 Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
 Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

Subj:     The Bobbitt Prayer

 Now I lay me down to sleep,
 I pray my penis I will keep,
 And if I wake and it is gone,
 I hope to find it on the lawn.

 I hope the dog that's running free,
 Doesn't see that little part of me,
 Many precautions I must take,
 To keep this part I love to shake.

 Much attention I must pay,
 To assure I put the knives away,
 The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too,
 Why there's no telling what she'd do.

 To rid me of my manly charm,
 I must keep it safe, away from harm,
 So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes,
 and I cross my legs to avoid surprise!

 Bawdy.Net Collage #25
 Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt was killled
    in a car accident?
 A: Some dick cut her off.

Subj:     Penis Length Survey
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #168

 Men are notorious liars about their penis length, so I have
 devised the following foolproof test.

 1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard.  Rest your left
 testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the "1" key.
 Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below
 that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably
 something different on the Dvorak keyboard.  You lumber-
 jacks may have to use the A or even the Z key).

 2. Grasp your thing in your right hand and slap it firmly
 across the number key row on your keyboard. (For instance,
 my result is ``1234567890-+'' the backspace key removes
 the `.)

 3. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the
 centerfold at a distance of 2.5 feet.  Rest your thing on
 the keyboard and stare intently at the girl pictured for
 five minutes or until your feet leave the ground.  Repeat
 the above test.

 4. Please post your results to net.general and I'll
 summarize to everyone on the net by personal mail.


 1. Do not attempt this test after swimming.  You will skew
 the results.

 2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard;
 or place two keyboards end to end.

 3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want
 to swab it down with alcohol first.

 4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result.  Be sure
 to keep a fire extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO

 Remember, Larry Bud Melman is not an attorney.

 Incidentally, this test can also be used to diagnose some
 genital disorders:

 Test Results          Diagnosis

 1                     You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome

 12367                 You have a strange gap in your penis

 12efgbn               Your penis has a right hand bend;
                       sometimes called Jerker's Lean.

 12wgui,l=]\           Seek immediate medical care.

 Copyright by Scott Turner, reproduced with permission.

Subj:     Penis Names (S695b)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #29

 Ladies, I'm going to let you in on a little secret.  Men
 name their penis'.  Now, this may come as a shock to you
 but it's true.  It's mostly done because we hate having
 strangers make all our decisions for us.

 Russell The One-Eyed Wonder Muscle
 Pumping Pole of Penile Power
 Harry and the Hendersons (Hendersons are the balls)
 One-Eyed Fred
 Dip Stick
 Love Pump
 Richard and the Twins
 One Eyed Wonder Weasel
 Tobias the Cheeky Monkey
 Trouser Snake
 Thrill Drill
 Sex Pistol
 Pocket Rocket
 One Hole Friction Whistle
 The Pink Oboe
 Purple-Helmeted Warrior
 Trouser Trout
 The Baldheaded Champ
 Mr. Who Ha
 The Head That Does All The Thinking
 Buford The One Eyed Monster
 Womb Freshner
 The Male Brain
 Arnie (had to throw my guy's name on the list)
 The Mighty Python of Pleasure
 The Heat Seeking Moisture Missle

Subj:     Names For Masturbation
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #219 on 97-12-30


 Beating the Bait
 Beating the Bishop
 Buffing the Banana
 Burping the Worm
 Calling Down For More Mayo
 Charm the Cobra
 Dropping Stomach Pancakes
 Giving it a Tug
 Hammering Howie
 Holding Your Sausage Hostage
 Jackin' the Beanstalk
 Jelly Roll
 Jenny Macarthy Jaunt
 Jerk the Gherkin
 Jiggle the Jewelry
 Making the Bald Guy Puke
 One Handed Clapping
 Pam Anderson Polka
 Play Pocket Pool
 Play the Organ
 Play the Skin Flute
 Popping the Porpoise
 Pulling The Wire
 Pulling Your Goalie
 Punchin' The Clown
 Punchin' The Munchkin
 Punishing Percy
 Rolling The Fleshy Blunt
 Roughing up the Suspect
 Rounding Up the Tadpoles
 Shaking Hands With the Governor
 Shooting Putty at the Moon
 Slap Boxing the One-Eyed Champ
 Slap the Salami
 Squeeze the Cream From the Flesh Twinkie
 Tease the Python
 The Sticky Page Rhumba
 Tickle The Elmo
 Tug of War with Cyclops
 Tussle with Your Muscle
 White Water Wristing
 Winding the Jack In The Box
 Yank My Doodle (It's a Dandy)


 Beat the Beaver
 Dialing the Rotary Phone
 Flickin' the Bean
 Hitchhiking South
 Mauling Matilda
 Muffin Buffin'
 Paddling the Pink Canoe
 Pet The Petunia
 Rubbin' the Nubbin
 Squeeze the Peach
 Teasing the Kitty
 Tickling the Taco

Subj:     Short Penis Jokes

Subj:     A Man's Life (S465b)
          From: DoctorDebt
          on 12/18/2005
 A man's life summed up in one photograph !!  You can
 view the photo on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Wife Catches Husband Cheating (S348b, S592b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 9/13/2003 and 5/16/2008
 A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed
 with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury,
 she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and
 into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in
 a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
 Next she picked up a hacksaw.

 The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop!
 You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

 The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the
 saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set
 the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to"

Subj:     Sexy Peek-A-Boo (S452)
          From: LABLaughsAdult
          on 9/14/2005
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19990423
 You can view this silly animated GIF at the source above,
 or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     A Man Named Mort - Poem (S398b)
          From: JokesUncut on 9/16/2004
 There once was a man named Mort
 Whose dick was incredibly short
 When he climbed into bed
 His lady friend said
 "That's not a dick it's a wart"

Subj:     Englishman Shoots Self In Groin (S397)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 8/31/2004
 An Englishman shot himself in the groin recently after
 drinking fifteen pints of beer and stuffing a sawed-off
 shotgun down his pants.  Apparently, the man was under
 the impression the gun wasn't fully cocked.  Now he
 isn't, either.

Subj:     Wife Catches Husband Cheating (S348b, S592b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 9/13/2003 and 5/16/2008
 A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed
 with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury,
 she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and
 into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in
 a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
 Next she picked up a hacksaw.

 The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop!
 You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

 The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the
 saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set
 the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to".

Subj:     Worst Resort Name Ever (S313)
          From: RFSlick on 2/1/2003
 To see the photo "Worst Resort Name Ever" go to
 on my web site, or click on 'Here'.

Subj:     Penis Frozen to Shed (S312b)
          From: jerry on 1/9/2003
 A man in Stavropol, Russia who, during -22F (-30C) night,
 got his willy frozen fast onto a metal bus shelter after
 he urinated into the street and then turned toward the
 shelter before zipping back up his fly.

 A large crowd gathered around him, no doubt offering all
 sorts of useful and serious advice.  But he remained
 stuck until rescue workers arrived with some warm water.

 He refused medical treatment.

 BBC 9-Jan-03

Subj:     Penis Stuck In Zippers (S293b)
          From: jerry on 9/8/2002
 Some Men Prefer To Zipper Their Lips After They Zipper
 Their ...

 Queensland hospitals in Australia say that the leading
 cause of clothing-related injuries in Australia, with
 regards to men, is men getting their wieners stuck in
 their trouser zippers.  They had 13 cases in the past
 four years but feel that substantially more men treat
 themselves for the injuries rather than risk the
 embarrassment of seeking medical treatment.

 But it wasn't just zippers. Eighty-one other injuries
 relating to clothing included finger dislocations from
 putting socks on and off and fractures sustained in
 falls that came about while trying to get the other
 leg into the trousers.

 Sydney Morning Herald (Sydney, Australia) 9-Sep-02

Subj:     Getting Penis Sizing On Internet (S289b)
          From: jerry on 8/14/2002
 At the web site http://www.sizehimup.co.uk/, when given the
 size of a man's hands, feet and nose, calculates the size
 of a man's willie.  Newspaper reports are already reporting
 the supposed sizes of some public officials.

 It is done in a cute cartoon setting.  Try it.

Subj:     Breaking Blocks On Your Groin (S285b)
          From: jerry on 7/17/2002
 An Indian man who has now achieved, according to the
 Guinness Book of World Records, the record for a having
 the greatest number of cement blocks broken on a his groin.

 He endured three 41-pound blocks smashed on his groin with
 a sledgehammer.  This same man also holds the record for
 enduring the most kicks to the groin (43) according to the
 Limca Book of Records.

 Ananova 15-Jul-02

Subj:     Dangers Of Being A Flasher (S273e)
          From: jerry on 4/23/200
 A UK flasher exposed his genitals to a woman who was out
 walking her German shepherd.  He failed to excite the
 woman but did manage to excite the dog, which then lunged
 at him and bit him in the groin.

 We pause for a few seconds until the empathetic pain
 waves pass.

 And what says the woman?

 "I could see the man was in a state of excitement but
 Tara [dog] wiped the smile off his face.  He [flasher]
 hobbled away doubled up in agony."

 The UK Sun via Ananova (UK) 19-Apr-02

Subj:     Boy Forced To Receive Oral Sex (S270b)
          From: jerry on 3/26/2002
 It all began when a 17-year-old boy, working at a gasoline
 station in Toronto, reported that he was forced by a woman
 in her 40s, under threat of being stabbed, to let her
 perform oral sex on him.

 Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

 The next day the owner of the gasoline station says he
 received a flood of calls from teenage boys wanting to
 work at the station.

 Be careful what you wish for ...

 Police say they found their "man."  The "woman" ended up
 being a man who was a math and physics teacher at a Toronto
 Catholic high school.

 Canadian News 20-Mar-02
 Winnipeg Sun 21-Mar-02

Subj:     Weatherman Predicts Snow (S260c)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 1/23/2002
 This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
 and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the
 future, likely think before she speaks.

 What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....
 True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it
 was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
 weatherman and asked "So Ken, where's that 7 inches you
 promised me last night?"

 Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
 did too they were laughing so hard!

 Pascal, Montreal, Canada

 This is an Urban Legend.  See attached website for the truth.

Subj:     Police Officer's Deadly Shot (S256)
          From: jerry on 12/26/2001
 A Peruvian police officer who, while changing into his
 uniform at the Lima Peru police station, pulled his
 revolver from his holster to see if it was loaded and
 accidentally shot off his partner's penis.  It wasn't
 known at the time whether his penis could be reconstructed..

 Ananova 21-Dec-01

Subj:     Man Stuck In Swimming Pool (S250)
          From: jerry on 10/23/2001
 Bonehead award three goes to a man who, trying to get
 sexual pleasure by putting his penis in the vacuum
 intake of his swimming pool, got it stuck because the
 vacuum was more powerful than he thought it would be,
 according to a 911 dispatcher.

Subj:     Man Cuts Off His Penis (S245b)
          From: jerry on 10/10/2001
 ''I do not regret doing what I did because I will not
 marry anyone else.''

 Comment made by Mahd Al-Dahab when asked if he regretted
 cutting off his own penis after learning that his
 girlfriend had married another man.  Doctors saved his
 life, but not his penis.

 Sapa-AFP (South Africa) via the Independent (South Africa)

Subj:     Man Cuts Off His Penis II (S254b)
          From: jerry on 12/11/2001
 Bonehead award two goes to a 32-year-old Filipino farmer
 who, having read Matthew 18.8 in the bible which states,
 "If your hand or your foot cause you to sin, cut it off
 and throw it away.  It is better for you to enter the
 maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet
 and be thrown into eternal fire."  And then believing
 that his penis was driving him to sin, cut it off and
 threw it away.

 Apparent evil surgeons reconstructed his penis, but it's
 20% less evil than it was before, being that much shorter
 since the piece he cut off could not be found.  It will
 be, otherwise, fully functional.

 Reuters via Yahoo News 7-Dec-01

Subj:     Puppetry Of The Penis (S243)
          From: jerry on 9/25/2001
 For those who need a career change and who like playing
 with themselves.

 The creators of Puppetry of the Penis whose three troops
 travel the world over performing ''genital origami'' to
 sellout crowds in Canada, Edinburg and Australia are
 looking to expand their size, and start new troops.

 And what does it take to be a penis puppeteer besides
 the most obvious qualification?

 A flexible (no, not what you're thinking) working
 attitude and readiness to demonstrate your ''own genital
 installations.''  They will accept both circumcised and
 non-circumcised men.

 Canadian News 6-Sep-01

Subj:     Computer Password (S190, S628c)
          From: KMACINTY on 9/21/00
      and From: hellgunner50 on 1/21/2009
 A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer,
 and at the appropriate time in the process, told him he
 would now need to enter a password.  Something he would
 use to log-on.  Her husband was in a rather amorous mood
 and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring
 this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked
 him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to
 his wife that he was keying in:






 His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer
 replied... ***PASSWORD INVALID...........NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Subj:     Lorena Bobbitt's Sister (S183, S349)
          From: RFSlick on 7/31/00
      and From: Imogenelumen on 10/4/2003
 Lorena Bobbitt's sister was arrested last night for
 attempting to cause the same damage to her husband
 that Lorena had inflicted on her spouse.  The sister
 didn't hit the mark and stabbed her husband in the
 leg by mistake.

 Are you ready for this!!!!!!!!!

 She has been charged with a misdaweiner

Subj:     For Y2K (S122)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #303 on 5/28/99
 New on store shelves -- just in time for Y2K!
 KY-2K Jelly.  For when you'd like 4 digits to fit
 where only 2 did before.

Subj:     Guy Wants To Be Adam At A Costume Party
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #136 on 98-06-02
 A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a
 costume party, I want to go as Adam."

 The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."
 She brings out a bigger one.

 He says, "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge
 fig leaf.
 He says, "Still not big enough."

 She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it
 over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

Subj:     Mom Explains The Facts Of Life
          From: auntieg on 98-05-20
          (Also see 'Mother ? Daughter Discuss Sex' in SEX3)
 A young teenager comes home from school and asks her
 mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?  Babies come
 out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

 "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject
 had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

 "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

Subj:     It Ain't Easy Being A Dick (S553)
          From: LABLaughsAdult
          on 8/23/2007
 Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20060829
 You can see this cute cartoon at the source above,
 or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Toast And The Penis
          From: RFSlick on 98-02-09
 A husband and wife noticed that their little boy's penis
 was a little too small so they took him to the doctor.
 They expressed their concerns to the doctor.  The doctor
 said to feed the little boy lots of toast.

 The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes
 a huge stack of toast.  When the little boy comes down to
 breakfast, the mother says, "Take the top two slices.  The
 rest are for your father."

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #8
 Volodya asks, "Did you hear about the man who
 had a penis transplant? His hand rejected it.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #82
 A woman says to her girlfriend, "My husband has dandruff."
 "So give him Head and Shoulders." Her friend answers.
 "OK, how do I give Shoulders?"

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #86
 The average size of the penis is six inches, and the
 average size of the vagina is seven inches.  This means
 that there are approximately one hundred thousand
 kilometers of unused pussy in the world.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #87 (S18)
 I hate the ones I have to read twice before I figure them
 out.  A man was looking all over town to find a friend of
 his.  He walked down the street and came to a barber shop.
 He stuck his head inside and asked, "Bob Peters here?"
 The barber replied, "Nah, we just do shaves and haircuts."

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #172
 There's a guy crossing the grand canyon with a tightrope.
 On the other side of the country, there's a guy getting a
 blow job from an 87-year-old woman.  What do these two guys
 have in common?  Neither one of them wants to look down.

From: sking on 97-08-23
 "It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor."
 Testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
 "Explain that statement!" harrumphed the Judge.
 "Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar
 ? she asked me what I wanted most in a woman -- so I
 showed her."

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #195
 A guy races into the men's toilet, runs up to the urinal,
 whips out his twelve inch dick and says with a sigh of
 relief, "Phew, just made it."  The guy next to him looks
 over and says, "Impressive.  Can you make me one too?"

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #202 on 97-10-17
 "Psychologists at the University of Texas have come up
 with a Cheater's Check List.  They say the findings reveal
 personality traits that identify whether your spouse is
 likely to be an adulterer. The research indicates your
 partner is probably cheating if they interrupt conversation,
 are often late for dinner or has a penis."

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #82 (S239)
 "God gave me a Penis and a Brain, but didn't give me enough
 blood to run both at the same time."  -- Robin Williams

From: RFSlick on 98-02-15
 Two Minnesotans were sitting outside a medical clinic. One
 of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.  The
 other Minnesotan asked, " Why are you crying?"
 The first one replied, " I came here for blood test."
 The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"
 The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test
 they cut my finger."
 Hearing this, the second one started crying.  The first one
 was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"
 The second guy replied, "I have come for my urine test."

From: dmswitzer on 98-03-30
 Men are like vacations....they never seem to be long enough.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #99 on 98-04-21
 A husband comes home with a hal-gallon of ice cream
 and asks his wife if she wants some.

 "How hard is it?"  she asks.

 "About as hard as my dick."  he replies.

 "Ok, then pour me some!"

From: humorlist-digest V2 #122 on 98-05-17
 Gay, straight... they all want blow jobs.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #307 on 6/18/99
 Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

From: jerry on 10/1/2001 (S244)
 Doctors at the University of Essen in Germany say the men's
 penises continue growing during adulthood.  Now if only the
 nose hair didn't grow along with it.  Sigh!

 Ananova 27-Sep-01

From: dogbyte on 12/26/2001 (S256)
 Life is like a penis:
 When it's soft, you can't beat it,
 and when it's hard, you get f*cked!

From: dogbyte on 3/24/2002 (S269c)
 Did I tell you about the worst blow job I ever got?

 Yeah, it was great!

From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/23/2004 (S409b)
 Mom's have Mother's Day,
 Father's have Father's Day.
 What do single guys have?
 Palm Sunday.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #210 on 97-11-16 (S43)
 Q: What five sizes do penises come in ?
 A: Small, medium, large, "Ohmygod!", and, "Does that come
    in white?"

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #212 on 97-11-27
 Q: What five sizes do penises come in ?
    Any woman could tell you that
    THESE are the five sizes men really come in:
 A: Is it in yet?, Small, Medium, Large, and
    Nice. Just where do you think you're going to put THAT?!?!

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #138 (S13)
 Q: What do walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon and
    getting a blowjob from a 90 year old women have in common?
 A: They both are all right so long as you don't look down.

 Q: Why do men name their penises?
 A: Because they want to be on a first name basis
    with the person who makes 95% of their decisions.

 Q: What is the difference between LIGHT and HARD?
 A: You CAN sleep with the LIGHT ON.

 Q. What's the definition of small?
 A. Is it in yet?

 Q: What's the difference between cum and yogurt?
 A: Yogurt doesn't hit the back of your throat
    at 90 miles an hour.

 Q: What is 10 inches long and white?
 A: Nothing

 Q: What's hard and stiff when you stick it in,
    and soft and sticky when you pull it out?
 A: Chewing gum.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #83
 Q: What is 6" long, has a big head, and
    every woman wants one?
 A: A new $100 bill!

From: Neal's Nasty Free Filthy Daily Dirty Joke For 2/18/97
 Q: What do dildos and soybeans have in common?
 A: They are both meat substitutes.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #178
 Q: What's the difference between hard and dark?
 A: It stays dark all night!

 Q: What does a rattlesnake and a soft penis have in common?
 A: You can't fuck with either one.

 Q: What's the best thing to come out of a penis?
 A: The wrinkles!

 Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
 A: Donuts.

 Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
 A: So oxygen can get to their brains.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #213 on 97-11-29
 Q: What's the difference between Caviar ? a Blowjob?
 A: No difference. You don't get either of them at home!

From: humorlist-digest V2 #4 on 98-01-04
 Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
 A: You never know when he's coming, how many inches
    you'll get, or how long it will last.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #224 on 98-01-22
 Q: Why do men like big tits and tight pussy?
 A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #224 on 98-01-22
 Q: What's the definition of "Indecent"?
 A: When it's in long, in hard, an in deep, it's in decent.

From: RFSlick on 98-02-12 (S288b)
 Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes
    and clean the house?
 A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis,
    it's not time.

From: BREWONETO on 98-02-16
 Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbit died in a car crash?
 A: Some dick cut her off.

From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
 Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
 A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

 Q:  Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
 A:  He heard the snowblower coming.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #104 on 98-04-29
 Q: What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
 A: The man...

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #247 on 98-05-16
 Q: What part of a woman does a man like looking at best?
 A: The top of her head.

 Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
 A: Come in eight flavors.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #260 - Quickies! on 98-07-18
 Q: How do you know when you've had a good blow job?
 A: All the sheets are sucked up your arse.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #178 on 98-07-17
 Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce
    and getting circumcised?
 A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

From: RFSlick on 98-08-13 (S82)
 A: Is it in?

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #278 on 99-01-15
 Q: What's a birth control pill?
 A: The other thing a woman can put in her mouth
    to keep from becoming pregnant.

From: icohen on 12/07/1999 (S149)
 Q: If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on,
    what does a hard-sleeper sleep with?

 Q: What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
 A: About three inches.

From: tnkr on 3/2/2002 (S266)
 Q: What gets stiff after 3 strokes?
 A: Princess Margaret

From: kmacinty on 6/23/2002 (S282b)
 Q: What's the difference between a BONUS and a BONER?
 A: Your wife will blow your bonus.

From: DoctorDebt on 6/1/2003 (S322b)
 Q: What is a Yankee?
 A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

From: LABLaughs@LABLaughs.com on 2/25/2004 (S383b)
 Q: What do Rubick's Cubes and penises have in common?
 A: The more you play with them, the harder they get.

From: JokesUncut on 10/4/2004 (S401b)
 Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
 A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/23/2005 (S434b)
 Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?
 A: It's easy to blow a paycheck, even if it wrinkly,
    stained or smells funny.

From: Anon Jr. on 9/17/2005 (S452b)
Q. What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife,
   but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

                           -(o o)-
........................From Smiley_Central.