penis3

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Subj: Penis3 Jokes
(Includes 99 jokes and articles, 30785,2,cf)

Click "Here" for Penis-Supp

Old Couple on Bus
from
Funny Pictures Collection

Penis1 has long jokes
Penis2 has jokes
Penis3 contains oddities and short jokes
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Subj: Ode To Impotance (S404, S695)
From: JokesUncut on 5/13/2004

My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my waterspout

Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full time job
To find the blasted thing

It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand up and watch me shave

Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     The "First" Wives' Penis Names (S234)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 7/22/01

Four "first" wives are talking together about alternatives
for the word "penis" in their respective countries...

Cherie Booth, wife of Prime Minister Tony Blair, says in
England people call it a GENTLEMAN, because it stands up
when women are entering.

President Boris Yeltsin's wife Naina says in Russia you call
it a PATRIOT, because you never know if it will hit you on
the front or on the backside.

Bernadette Chodron de Courcel, President Jacques Chirac's
wife, says in France you call it a CURTAIN, because it goes
down after the act.

President Clinton's wife Hillary says in the USA you call
it a RUMOR, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Buying A New Penis (S204)
          From: ICohen on 12/18/2000

They had been having a few beers at the bar together
recounting old times when the call of nature caused them
to line up at the same time, still deep in conversation.

Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Chas was very well
endowed. "I say, that's a remarkable dick you have there."
Fred was prompted to remark.

"Wasn't always that way," replied Chas, "medical science
can do wonders with transplants these days. I got this
done over in Harley Street, England. Cost a thousand
bucks, but as you can see, well worth every cent."

Fred was very envious. In fact, he packed his bag that
night and flew off to England first thing.

It was a good six months later before he ran into his old
friend once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him
that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with
the result.

"But Chas, I will tell you something else," said Fred.
"You were gypped, I got mine for $500, not a thousand
like you paid."

Chas could hardly believe it. Same address in Harley
Street, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped
off, he asked Fred if he could take a look.

Once more they lined up at the urinals and when Chas took
a peek over the partition the worried frown which had
creased his face disappeared.

"No wonder," he laughed. "That's my old one!"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Penis Facts (S166)
          From: JCary on 04/06/2000

"The Things You Didn't Know About Sex"
from Cosmopolitan, October 1996

THE LONG AND THE SHORT:
According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis
on record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at
1 3/4 inches.

HOTDOG HELPERS:
The Caramoja tribe of northern Uganda tie a weight on the
end of their penises to elongate them--sometimes to such a
degree that the men literally have to knot them up--while
the Mambas of New Hebrides wrap theirs in yards and yards
of cloth, making them look up to 17 inches long.

DOUBLE TROUBLE
In 1609, a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in Bologna
with two penises. Since then, there have been eighty
documented cases of men similarly endowed.

SO LONG THE NIGHT: Among the Mangaians of Polynesia, 18-
year-old couples make love an average of three times a
night, every night, until their thirties, when the weekly
average drops to a mere 14. That's it?!

FAST LANE:
The maximum speed at which erotic sensations travel from
skin to brain has been clocked at 156 miles per hour.

COITUS SEMI-INTERRUPTUS:
A honeymooning couple are suing Holiday Inn for ten
thousand dollars, claiming their sex life is now
dysfunctional because an employee mistakenly walked in
on them on their wedding night.

LES LIAISONS DANGEREUSES:
At least 500 Americans die each year from asphyxia in an
attempt to lessen oxygen flow to the brain in order to
induce a more powerful orgasm.

NOBLESSE OBLIGE:
England's King Edward VII, a man of considerable heft, had
a special table built so that he could comfortably engage
in sexual intercourse.

It was considered elegant for aristocratic ladies of the
sixteenth century to let their pubic hair grow as long as
possible so it could be pomaded and adorned with bows and
ribbon.

In fourteenth-century Europe, high-ranking noblemen were
permitted to display their genitals below a short tunic,
while those not impressively endowed could, if they chose,
wear a leather falsie called a briquette.

MISSIONARIES TAKE NOTE:
Given today's average frequency of sexual intercourse, it
would take the typical American couple more than four years
to try every one of the 529 positions described in the Kama
Sutra.

GALLIC WAY OF DEATH:
French President Francois Faure expired in a bordello in
1899 during the act of copulation, which so terrified his
lady of the evening that her vagina constricted intractably,
necessitating the surgical removal of the dead man's member.

JUST SAY HOWDY:
When men of the Walibri tribe of central Australia greet
each other, they shake penises instead of hands.

BONBON MOTS:
"There may be some things that are better than sex, and
there may be some things that are worse. But there is
nothing exactly like it." --W.C. Fields

                            \\\//
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Subj:     A Guide to Blow Job Etiquette (S122, S345)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #304 on 5/30/99
      and From: LABLaughs.com on 8/12/2003

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule # 1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care what they did in the porn video you saw,
     it is not standard practice to cum on somebody's face.
4. Extension to rule # 3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are not handles.
6. Extension to rule # 5 - Do not push on the top of my
     head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And
     additionally, do you really want puke on your dick?
7. I don't care how relaxed you get - it is NEVER okay
     to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it is "hummer week"
     - get it through your head. I'm bloated and feel like
     shit, so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to
     blow you just because you can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to rule # 8 - "Blue balls" might have worked
     on high school girls. If you're that desperate, go
     jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my
     teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games
     immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you
     would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to
     speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy
     the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See
     also rule # 2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't
     care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they
     don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut.
     It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not
     mean I have to "kiss it good morning."

Blowjob Etiquette, The Man's Reply...:

1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you
     don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier, and
     dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell
     of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef"
     mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about
     it ? be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. If you ever tell me what to say ? not to say to my
     friends again, you won't have to worry about getting
     those little hairs stuck in your teeth...because you
     won't have any.
6. Maybe if you brushed your teeth ? got the dick off
     your breath we would stick around afterward.
7. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your
     mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and
     moaning.
8. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five
     straight days, you need all the fluids you can get,
     trust me.
9. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell
     you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor
     country.
10. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in
     your mouth.
11. Play with the balls.
12. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've
     had better.
13. Blowjobs are the only reason we spend time with you
     instead of our friends, take that away and you are,
     literally, useless.
14. Caress the ass, too, we like that.
15. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the
     morning now, but when you get old ? fat (and you will)
     and looking for some action, gah-ron-tee it'll be
     "sound asleep".
16. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about
     getting any on your face, now will you? Leave the
     thinking to us, okay?

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Top Ten Viagra Slogans Currently Being Considered:
          From: bmd on 98-06-08

10.   "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
9.   "One-A-Day, like iron"
8.   "Get a piece of the rock"
7.   "You've come a long way, baby"
6.   "Viagra, it plumps when you taken 'em"
5.   "Strong enough for a man, but made for
        a woman"
4.   "Tastes great, more filling"
3.   "Viagra, built ram tough"
2.   "Here's the beef"
       and the number one slogan being considered
       by Viagra ---
1.     "Just do her"

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Oral Sex - An Ode To Love
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #237 on 98-03-26

Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee

It's times like this, you wonder why
You bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees

You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl

Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb
So when the fuck's he gonna cum

Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat

Salty, fishy, sticky stuff
Okay already, that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what revenge, you're on the rag.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Why E-mail Is Like A Penis (S51)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #13 on 98-01-14

1. Some folks have it, some don't.

2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were
ever cut off.

3. Those who have it think that those who don't are
somehow inferior.

4. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but
think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it
make about it.

5. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it
(e-mail envy).

6. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up,
but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

7. In the long distant past, its only purpose was to
     transmit information vital to the survival of the
     species. Some people still think that's the only
     thing it should be used for, but most folks today
     use it for fun most of the time.

8. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it
can spread viruses.

9. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more
and more difficult to think coherently.

10. We attach an importance to it that is far greater
than its actual size and influence warrant.

11. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get
you into a lot of trouble. You might even be sent to
jail.

12. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Penis Research (S134)
          From Bawdy.Net Collage #83
      and From: FrankRoesc on 8/21/99

Three British educational institutions were commissioned by
the government to discover why the human penis is the shaped
the way it is.

Oxford University allocated a budget of #500,000 for research.
After 2 years they concluded that the reason the head of the
penis is wider than the shaft is that it fits better, when in
situ, so to speak. This would prevent leakage of semen and
increase the probability of successful fertilisation.

Cambridge University spent #750,000 on a research programme
that lasted 3 years. The results showed that the penis
widened near the tip because it maximised the number of
nerve endings stimulated during sex. This would lead to
increased sensitivity and a better chance of impregnation.

Finally, the Open University spent #2.50 on a copy of Play-
boy and 10 minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover
that the penis widens at the tip in order to prevent your
hand from slipping off the end.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Penis Research II (S476b)
          From: darrell94590 on 3/2/2006

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why
the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After
one year and $180, 000.00, they concluded that the reason
the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more
pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their
own study. After $250, 000.00, and 3 years of research, they
concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure
during sex.

Canada, unsatisfied with these findings, concluded their
own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2
cases of beer, they concluded that the large head of the penis
was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in
the forehead.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Penis Tax (S175)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
      and From: CoreyMac on 5/9/00

INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE
To: All Male Taxpayers
From: Internal Revenue Service
Re: Notice of increase in Tax Payments

The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis.
This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging
around and unemployed; 20% of the time it is pissed off;
30% of the time it is hard up; and 10% of the time it is
in a hole. On top of all this, it has two dependents and
they are both nuts.

Accordingly, starting January 1, 2001, your penis will be
taxed according to its size. To determine your category,
please consult the chart below and confirm this information
on Page 2, Section 7, Sub-section 9(c), Line 3 on your 1040
Form which contains a measuring device to accurately
determine your correct size and correct tax. If we, the
IRS, sense that you are lying, you will be required to
attach a photocopy of your penis to your return.

TAX CHART-For Additional Taxes Due on Size of Penis
10" to 12"-----Luxury Tax-----$300.00
8" to 10"-----Pole Tax--------250.00
6" to 8" -----Privilege Tax---150.00
4" to 6" -----Nuisance Tax-----50.00

NOTE: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
Please do not ask for an extension. Males exceeding
12 inches must file under Capital Gains.

From: LABLaughs.com on 7/28/2003

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!
Issues still under consideration are as follows:
Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

                            \\\//
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Subj:     The Bobbitt Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my penis I will keep,
And if I wake and it is gone,
I hope to find it on the lawn.

I hope the dog that's running free,
Doesn't see that little part of me,
Many precautions I must take,
To keep this part I love to shake.

Much attention I must pay,
To assure I put the knives away,
The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too,
Why there's no telling what she'd do.

To rid me of my manly charm,
I must keep it safe, away from harm,
So I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes,
and I cross my legs to avoid surprise!

Bawdy.Net Collage #25
Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt was killled
in a car accident?
A: Some dick cut her off.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Penis Length Survey
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #168

Men are notorious liars about their penis length, so I have
devised the following foolproof test.

1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left
testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the "1" key.
Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below
that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably
something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumber-
jacks may have to use the A or even the Z key).

2. Grasp your thing in your right hand and slap it firmly
across the number key row on your keyboard. (For instance,
my result is ``1234567890-+'' the backspace key removes
the `.)

3. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the
centerfold at a distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your thing on
the keyboard and stare intently at the girl pictured for
five minutes or until your feet leave the ground. Repeat
the above test.

4. Please post your results to net.general and I'll
summarize to everyone on the net by personal mail.

Cautions

1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew
the results.

2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard;
or place two keyboards end to end.

3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want
to swab it down with alcohol first.

4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure
to keep a fire extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO
USE IT.

Remember, Larry Bud Melman is not an attorney.

Incidentally, this test can also be used to diagnose some
genital disorders:

Test Results Diagnosis

1 You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome

12367 You have a strange gap in your penis

12efgbn Your penis has a right hand bend;
sometimes called Jerker's Lean.

12wgui,l=]\ Seek immediate medical care.

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Penis Names (S695b)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #29

Ladies, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Men
name their penis'. Now, this may come as a shock to you
but it's true. It's mostly done because we hate having
strangers make all our decisions for us.

Russell The One-Eyed Wonder Muscle
Pumping Pole of Penile Power
Harry and the Hendersons (Hendersons are the balls)
One-Eyed Fred
Dip Stick
Nightcrawler
Love Pump
Richard and the Twins
One Eyed Wonder Weasel
Tobias the Cheeky Monkey
Johnson
Trouser Snake
Thrill Drill
Sex Pistol
Pocket Rocket
One Hole Friction Whistle
The Pink Oboe
Purple-Helmeted Warrior
Trouser Trout
The Baldheaded Champ
Mr. Who Ha
The Head That Does All The Thinking
Buford The One Eyed Monster
Womb Freshner
The Male Brain
Arnie (had to throw my guy's name on the list)
The Mighty Python of Pleasure
The Heat Seeking Moisture Missle

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Names For Masturbation
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #219 on 97-12-30

Males:

Beating the Bait
Beating the Bishop
Buffing the Banana
Burping the Worm
Calling Down For More Mayo
Charm the Cobra
Dropping Stomach Pancakes
Giving it a Tug
Hammering Howie
Holding Your Sausage Hostage
Jackin' the Beanstalk
Jelly Roll
Jenny Macarthy Jaunt
Jerk the Gherkin
Jiggle the Jewelry
Making the Bald Guy Puke
One Handed Clapping
Pam Anderson Polka
Play Pocket Pool
Play the Organ
Play the Skin Flute
Popping the Porpoise
Pulling The Wire
Pulling Your Goalie
Punchin' The Clown
Punchin' The Munchkin
Punishing Percy
Rolling The Fleshy Blunt
Roughing up the Suspect
Rounding Up the Tadpoles
Shaking Hands With the Governor
Shooting Putty at the Moon
Slap Boxing the One-Eyed Champ
Slap the Salami
Squeeze the Cream From the Flesh Twinkie
Tease the Python
The Sticky Page Rhumba
Tickle The Elmo
Tug of War with Cyclops
Tussle with Your Muscle
White Water Wristing
Winding the Jack In The Box
Yank My Doodle (It's a Dandy)

Females:

Beat the Beaver
Dialing the Rotary Phone
Flickin' the Bean
Hitchhiking South
Mauling Matilda
Muffin Buffin'
Paddling the Pink Canoe
Pet The Petunia
Rubbin' the Nubbin
Squeeze the Peach
Teasing the Kitty
Tickling the Taco

                            \\\//
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Subj:     Short Penis Jokes

Top

Subj:     A Man's Life (S465b)
          From: DoctorDebt
          on 12/18/2005

A man's life summed up in one photograph !! You can
view the photo on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj: Wife Catches Husband Cheating (S348b, S592b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/13/2003 and 5/16/2008
A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed
with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury,
she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and
into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in
a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop!
You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the
saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set
the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to"

Top

Subj:     Sexy Peek-A-Boo (S452)
          From: LABLaughsAdult
          on 9/14/2005

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A19990423
You can view this silly animated GIF at the source above,
or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj: A Man Named Mort - Poem (S398b)
From: JokesUncut on 9/16/2004
There once was a man named Mort
Whose dick was incredibly short
When he climbed into bed
His lady friend said
"That's not a dick it's a wart"

Top
Subj: Englishman Shoots Self In Groin (S397)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 8/31/2004
An Englishman shot himself in the groin recently after
drinking fifteen pints of beer and stuffing a sawed-off
shotgun down his pants. Apparently, the man was under
the impression the gun wasn't fully cocked. Now he
isn't, either.

The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop!
You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the
saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set
the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to".

Top
Subj: Worst Resort Name Ever (S313)
From: RFSlick on 2/1/2003
To see the photo "Worst Resort Name Ever" go to
http://jokelibrary.150m.com/yyPictures/penis.html#inn
on my web site, or click on 'Here'.

Top
Subj: Penis Frozen to Shed (S312b)
From: jerry on 1/9/2003
A man in Stavropol, Russia who, during -22F (-30C) night,
got his willy frozen fast onto a metal bus shelter after
he urinated into the street and then turned toward the
shelter before zipping back up his fly.

A large crowd gathered around him, no doubt offering all
sorts of useful and serious advice. But he remained
stuck until rescue workers arrived with some warm water.

He refused medical treatment.

BBC 9-Jan-03

Top
Subj: Penis Stuck In Zippers (S293b)
From: jerry on 9/8/2002
Some Men Prefer To Zipper Their Lips After They Zipper
Their ...

Queensland hospitals in Australia say that the leading
cause of clothing-related injuries in Australia, with
regards to men, is men getting their wieners stuck in
their trouser zippers. They had 13 cases in the past
four years but feel that substantially more men treat
themselves for the injuries rather than risk the
embarrassment of seeking medical treatment.

But it wasn't just zippers. Eighty-one other injuries
relating to clothing included finger dislocations from
putting socks on and off and fractures sustained in
falls that came about while trying to get the other
leg into the trousers.

Sydney Morning Herald (Sydney, Australia) 9-Sep-02

Top
Subj: Getting Penis Sizing On Internet (S289b)
From: jerry on 8/14/2002
At the web site http://www.sizehimup.co.uk/, when given the
size of a man's hands, feet and nose, calculates the size
of a man's willie. Newspaper reports are already reporting
the supposed sizes of some public officials.

It is done in a cute cartoon setting. Try it.

Top
Subj: Breaking Blocks On Your Groin (S285b)
From: jerry on 7/17/2002
An Indian man who has now achieved, according to the
Guinness Book of World Records, the record for a having
the greatest number of cement blocks broken on a his groin.

He endured three 41-pound blocks smashed on his groin with
a sledgehammer. This same man also holds the record for
enduring the most kicks to the groin (43) according to the
Limca Book of Records.

Ananova 15-Jul-02

Top
Subj: Dangers Of Being A Flasher (S273e)
From: jerry on 4/23/200
A UK flasher exposed his genitals to a woman who was out
walking her German shepherd. He failed to excite the
woman but did manage to excite the dog, which then lunged
at him and bit him in the groin.

We pause for a few seconds until the empathetic pain
waves pass.

And what says the woman?

"I could see the man was in a state of excitement but
Tara [dog] wiped the smile off his face. He [flasher]
hobbled away doubled up in agony."

The UK Sun via Ananova (UK) 19-Apr-02

Top
Subj: Boy Forced To Receive Oral Sex (S270b)
From: jerry on 3/26/2002
It all began when a 17-year-old boy, working at a gasoline
station in Toronto, reported that he was forced by a woman
in her 40s, under threat of being stabbed, to let her
perform oral sex on him.

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

The next day the owner of the gasoline station says he
received a flood of calls from teenage boys wanting to
work at the station.

Be careful what you wish for ...

Police say they found their "man." The "woman" ended up
being a man who was a math and physics teacher at a Toronto
Catholic high school.

Canadian News 20-Mar-02
and
Winnipeg Sun 21-Mar-02

Top
Subj: Weatherman Predicts Snow (S260c)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 1/23/2002
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the
future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....
True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked "So Ken, where's that 7 inches you
promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
did too they were laughing so hard!

Pascal, Montreal, Canada

This is an Urban Legend. See attached website for the truth.
http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/snowjob.htm

Top
Subj: Police Officer's Deadly Shot (S256)
From: jerry on 12/26/2001
A Peruvian police officer who, while changing into his
uniform at the Lima Peru police station, pulled his
revolver from his holster to see if it was loaded and
accidentally shot off his partner's penis. It wasn't
known at the time whether his penis could be reconstructed..

Ananova 21-Dec-01

Top
Subj: Man Stuck In Swimming Pool (S250)
From: jerry on 10/23/2001
Bonehead award three goes to a man who, trying to get
sexual pleasure by putting his penis in the vacuum
intake of his swimming pool, got it stuck because the
vacuum was more powerful than he thought it would be,
according to a 911 dispatcher.

Top
Subj: Man Cuts Off His Penis (S245b)
From: jerry on 10/10/2001
''I do not regret doing what I did because I will not
marry anyone else.''

Comment made by Mahd Al-Dahab when asked if he regretted
cutting off his own penis after learning that his
girlfriend had married another man. Doctors saved his
life, but not his penis.

Sapa-AFP (South Africa) via the Independent (South Africa)
8-Oct-01

Top
Subj: Man Cuts Off His Penis II (S254b)
From: jerry on 12/11/2001
Bonehead award two goes to a 32-year-old Filipino farmer
who, having read Matthew 18.8 in the bible which states,
"If your hand or your foot cause you to sin, cut it off
and throw it away. It is better for you to enter the
maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet
and be thrown into eternal fire." And then believing
that his penis was driving him to sin, cut it off and
threw it away.

Apparent evil surgeons reconstructed his penis, but it's
20% less evil than it was before, being that much shorter
since the piece he cut off could not be found. It will
be, otherwise, fully functional.

Reuters via Yahoo News 7-Dec-01

Top
Subj: Puppetry Of The Penis (S243)
From: jerry on 9/25/2001
For those who need a career change and who like playing
with themselves.

The creators of Puppetry of the Penis whose three troops
travel the world over performing ''genital origami'' to
sellout crowds in Canada, Edinburg and Australia are
looking to expand their size, and start new troops.

And what does it take to be a penis puppeteer besides
the most obvious qualification?

A flexible (no, not what you're thinking) working
attitude and readiness to demonstrate your ''own genital
installations.'' They will accept both circumcised and
non-circumcised men.

Canadian News 6-Sep-01

Top
Subj:     Computer Password (S190, S628c)
          From: KMACINTY on 9/21/00
      and From: hellgunner50 on 1/21/2009
A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer,
and at the appropriate time in the process, told him he
would now need to enter a password. Something he would
use to log-on. Her husband was in a rather amorous mood
and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring
this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked
him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to
his wife that he was keying in:

P...

E...

N...

I...

S...

His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer
replied... ***PASSWORD INVALID...........NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Top
Subj:     Lorena Bobbitt's Sister (S183, S349)
          From: RFSlick on 7/31/00
      and From: Imogenelumen on 10/4/2003
Lorena Bobbitt's sister was arrested last night for
attempting to cause the same damage to her husband
that Lorena had inflicted on her spouse. The sister
didn't hit the mark and stabbed her husband in the
leg by mistake.

Are you ready for this!!!!!!!!!

She has been charged with a misdaweiner

Top
Subj: For Y2K (S122)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #303 on 5/28/99
New on store shelves -- just in time for Y2K!
KY-2K Jelly. For when you'd like 4 digits to fit
where only 2 did before.

Top
Subj: Guy Wants To Be Adam At A Costume Party
From: humorlist-digest V2 #136 on 98-06-02
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a
costume party, I want to go as Adam."

The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a bigger one.

He says, "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge
fig leaf.
He says, "Still not big enough."

She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it
over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

Top
Subj:     Mom Explains The Facts Of Life
          From: auntieg on 98-05-20
          (Also see 'Mother ? Daughter Discuss Sex' in SEX3)
A young teenager comes home from school and asks her
mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come
out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject
had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

Top

Subj:     It Ain't Easy Being A Dick (S553)
          From: LABLaughsAdult
          on 8/23/2007

Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/adult_toon.php?id=A20060829
You can see this cute cartoon at the source above,
or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj: Toast And The Penis
From: RFSlick on 98-02-09
A husband and wife noticed that their little boy's penis
was a little too small so they took him to the doctor.
They expressed their concerns to the doctor. The doctor
said to feed the little boy lots of toast.

The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes
a huge stack of toast. When the little boy comes down to
breakfast, the mother says, "Take the top two slices. The
rest are for your father."

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #8
Volodya asks, "Did you hear about the man who
had a penis transplant? His hand rejected it.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #82
A woman says to her girlfriend, "My husband has dandruff."
"So give him Head and Shoulders." Her friend answers.
"OK, how do I give Shoulders?"

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #86
The average size of the penis is six inches, and the
average size of the vagina is seven inches. This means
that there are approximately one hundred thousand
kilometers of unused pussy in the world.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #87 (S18)
I hate the ones I have to read twice before I figure them
out. A man was looking all over town to find a friend of
his. He walked down the street and came to a barber shop.
He stuck his head inside and asked, "Bob Peters here?"
The barber replied, "Nah, we just do shaves and haircuts."

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #172
There's a guy crossing the grand canyon with a tightrope.
On the other side of the country, there's a guy getting a
blow job from an 87-year-old woman. What do these two guys
have in common? Neither one of them wants to look down.

From: sking on 97-08-23
"It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor."
Testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
"Explain that statement!" harrumphed the Judge.
"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar
? she asked me what I wanted most in a woman -- so I
showed her."

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #195
A guy races into the men's toilet, runs up to the urinal,
whips out his twelve inch dick and says with a sigh of
relief, "Phew, just made it." The guy next to him looks
over and says, "Impressive. Can you make me one too?"

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #202 on 97-10-17
"Psychologists at the University of Texas have come up
with a Cheater's Check List. They say the findings reveal
personality traits that identify whether your spouse is
likely to be an adulterer. The research indicates your
partner is probably cheating if they interrupt conversation,
are often late for dinner or has a penis."

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #82 (S239)
"God gave me a Penis and a Brain, but didn't give me enough
blood to run both at the same time." -- Robin Williams

From: RFSlick on 98-02-15
Two Minnesotans were sitting outside a medical clinic. One
of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face. The
other Minnesotan asked, " Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, " I came here for blood test."
The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"
The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test
they cut my finger."
Hearing this, the second one started crying. The first one
was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"
The second guy replied, "I have come for my urine test."

From: dmswitzer on 98-03-30
Men are like vacations....they never seem to be long enough.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #99 on 98-04-21
A husband comes home with a hal-gallon of ice cream
and asks his wife if she wants some.

"How hard is it?" she asks.

"About as hard as my dick." he replies.

"Ok, then pour me some!"

From: humorlist-digest V2 #122 on 98-05-17
Gay, straight... they all want blow jobs.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #307 on 6/18/99
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

From: jerry on 10/1/2001 (S244)
Doctors at the University of Essen in Germany say the men's
penises continue growing during adulthood. Now if only the
nose hair didn't grow along with it. Sigh!

Ananova 27-Sep-01

From: dogbyte on 12/26/2001 (S256)
Life is like a penis:
When it's soft, you can't beat it,
and when it's hard, you get f*cked!

From: dogbyte on 3/24/2002 (S269c)
Did I tell you about the worst blow job I ever got?

Yeah, it was great!

From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/23/2004 (S409b)
Mom's have Mother's Day,
Father's have Father's Day.
What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #210 on 97-11-16 (S43)
Q: What five sizes do penises come in ?
A: Small, medium, large, "Ohmygod!", and, "Does that come
in white?"

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #212 on 97-11-27
Q: What five sizes do penises come in ?
    Any woman could tell you that
    THESE are the five sizes men really come in:
A: Is it in yet?, Small, Medium, Large, and
    Nice. Just where do you think you're going to put THAT?!?!

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #138 (S13)
Q: What do walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon and
getting a blowjob from a 90 year old women have in common?
A: They both are all right so long as you don't look down.

Q: Why do men name their penises?
A: Because they want to be on a first name basis
with the person who makes 95% of their decisions.

Q: What is the difference between LIGHT and HARD?
A: You CAN sleep with the LIGHT ON.

Q. What's the definition of small?
A. Is it in yet?

Q: What's the difference between cum and yogurt?
A: Yogurt doesn't hit the back of your throat
at 90 miles an hour.

Q: What is 10 inches long and white?
A: Nothing

Q: What's hard and stiff when you stick it in,
and soft and sticky when you pull it out?
A: Chewing gum.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #83
Q: What is 6" long, has a big head, and
every woman wants one?
A: A new $100 bill!

From: Neal's Nasty Free Filthy Daily Dirty Joke For 2/18/97
Q: What do dildos and soybeans have in common?
A: They are both meat substitutes.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #178
Q: What's the difference between hard and dark?
A: It stays dark all night!

Q: What does a rattlesnake and a soft penis have in common?
A: You can't fuck with either one.

Q: What's the best thing to come out of a penis?
A: The wrinkles!

Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
A: Donuts.

Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So oxygen can get to their brains.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #213 on 97-11-29
Q: What's the difference between Caviar ? a Blowjob?
A: No difference. You don't get either of them at home!

From: humorlist-digest V2 #4 on 98-01-04
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You never know when he's coming, how many inches
you'll get, or how long it will last.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #224 on 98-01-22
Q: Why do men like big tits and tight pussy?
A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #224 on 98-01-22
Q: What's the definition of "Indecent"?
A: When it's in long, in hard, an in deep, it's in decent.

From: RFSlick on 98-02-12 (S288b)
Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes
and clean the house?
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis,
it's not time.

From: BREWONETO on 98-02-16
Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbit died in a car crash?
A: Some dick cut her off.

From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snowblower coming.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #104 on 98-04-29
Q: What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
A: The man...

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #247 on 98-05-16
Q: What part of a woman does a man like looking at best?
A: The top of her head.

Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
A: Come in eight flavors.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #260 - Quickies! on 98-07-18
Q: How do you know when you've had a good blow job?
A: All the sheets are sucked up your arse.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #178 on 98-07-17
Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce
and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

From: RFSlick on 98-08-13 (S82)
Q: WHAT ARE 3 TWO LETTER WORDS THAT MEAN SHORT?
A: Is it in?

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #278 on 99-01-15
Q: What's a birth control pill?
A: The other thing a woman can put in her mouth
to keep from becoming pregnant.

From: icohen on 12/07/1999 (S149)
Q: If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on,
what does a hard-sleeper sleep with?

Q: What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
A: About three inches.

From: tnkr on 3/2/2002 (S266)
Q: What gets stiff after 3 strokes?
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A: Princess Margaret

From: kmacinty on 6/23/2002 (S282b)
Q: What's the difference between a BONUS and a BONER?
A: Your wife will blow your bonus.

From: DoctorDebt on 6/1/2003 (S322b)
Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

From: LABLaughs@LABLaughs.com on 2/25/2004 (S383b)
Q: What do Rubick's Cubes and penises have in common?
A: The more you play with them, the harder they get.

From: JokesUncut on 10/4/2004 (S401b)
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/23/2005 (S434b)
Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?
A: It's easy to blow a paycheck, even if it wrinkly,
stained or smells funny.

From: Anon Jr. on 9/17/2005 (S452b)
Q. What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife,
but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================

Smiley the Snow Artist from
Smiley_Central

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