Subj: Pregnant Jokes
(Includes 37 jokes and articles, 03839n,5,cf,md4,3)
Click "Here" for Pregnant-Supp
Pregnant Lady from
Animation Factory
| >>>
Subj: Pregnant Jokes (Includes 37 jokes and articles, 03839n,5,cf,md4,3) Click "Here" for Pregnant-Supp |
|
Pregnant Lady from Animation Factory |
Also See ASIAN-CHINESE- 'Chinese
Couple Names Wong Have A Baby'
BALLS file - 'Kicked In
Balls Vs Child Birth'
BIRDS file - 'Storks
Delivering Babies'
BLONDE1 file - 'Three
Pregnant Ladies Having Exams'
BLONDE2 file - 'Where
Babies Come From'
BREAST file - 'Three Babies
Poem'
BUTLER-MAID - 'Live-In
Maid'
CARS-SUPP2 - 'Super
Bowl 2013 Ad: Where Do Babies Come From?' - Movie
CLINTONSCDL1 - 'Hillary
Is Pregnant'
.........COLLEGE1
file- 'Qualifications
For US President'
COMPUTERS-SUP- 'How
Was I Born?'
DENTIST file - 'Dentist
Tells Woman Of Cavity'
DOCTOR2 file - 'Doctor
Gets Nurse Pregnant'
......................-
'Doctor
Invents Pain Transfer Machine'
DOCTOR3 file - 'Country
Doctor Delivers Baby w/Dad's Help'
DOCTOR-SUPP -
'Mother
Consults Doctor About Daughter Dating'
DRINKINGBEER2- 'Beer
Cartoon'
ELDERLY2 file- '80
Year Old Has Three Kids'
......................-
'90
Year Old Geezer Has Baby'
FACTS2 file - 'Woman
Eats Contraceptive Jelly And Get Pregnant'
FACTS5 file - 'Some
Abortions Illegal'
FARMER2 file - 'Charges
For Servicing A Cow'
......................-
'Handsome
Man Wants To Marry'
FIREMAN file - 'The
Pregnant Fireman'
FUNERAL file - 'Woman
Dies After Three Husbands'
HOSPITAL2 - 'True
Hospital Stories'
......................-
'Guessing
Baby's Weight'
......................-
'Lamaze
Class'
......................-
'A
Hermaphrodite Baby'
......................-
'Four
Guys In The Waiting Room'
......................-
'Rescuing
Hug'
JOBS3 file - 'Secretary
Tells Boss Bad News'
JUDGE file - 'Laughing
Man Goes On Trial'
JUDGE-SUPP - 'Child
Support Lawsuit May Send Mom To Jail'
KIDS2 file - 'Baby
Born Who Can Talk'
......................-
'The
Last Child Support Check'
KIDS4 file - 'Preparation
For Parenthood'
KIDS5 file - 'Baby
Picture - Learning To Walk'
LOVE file - 'Two
Brooms In Love'
MARRIAGE2 - 'Husband
Sobbing In Basement'
......................-
'Couple
Wants To Have Another Child'
OTHER-ANIMALS- 'Hamsters
Named Bert And Ernie'
OTH-ANIM-SUP2- 'Dolphin
Birth In Hawaii' - Movie
OTHER-OCCUP - 'Baby
Names Based On Occupation'
PENIS2 file - 'Texan Has A
Baby'
PREACHER file- 'The
Preacher's Wife Was Pregnant'
PRIEST1 file - 'The
Priest Has A Baby'
PUSSY file - 'Country
Doctor Delivers Baby w/Kid's Help'
REDNECK-SUPP - 'Two
Rednecks Discuss Infidelity'
SEX3 file - 'Sex
In The Dark'
SIGNS-NAMES - 'Baby's
Name Based On Occupation'
......................-
'Cute
Pan
Handler Sign'
SOUTHERN file- 'Two
Southern Ladies Talk'
THANKSGV-SUPP- 'Pregnant
Turkey'
============================================================Top
| Subj:
Birth Of Japanese Baby (S474b,d)
From: darrell94590 on 2/14/2006 |
 |
To view this funny, MPG movie on my web site, click 'HERE'.
Top
Subj: Italian
Girl Pregnant (S554)
From: allenbergman on 8/28/2007
An 18 year old Italian girl tells
her Mom that she has missed
her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to
the drugstore and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result
shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying,
the mother says, "who was the
pig that did this to you? I
want to know!" The girl
picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari
stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man
with grey hair and impeccably
dressed in an Armani suit steps
out of the of the Ferrari
and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the
father, mother,and the girl
and tells them: "Good morning,
your daughter has informed me
of the problem. I can't marry
her because of my personal family
situation but I'll take
charge. I will pay all
costs and provide for your daughter
for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born,
I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2
retail stores, a townhouse, a
beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000
bank account. If a boy
is born, my legacy will be a
couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a
factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a
miscarriage, what do you suggest
I do?"
At this point, the father, who
had remained silent, places
a hand firmly on the man's shoulder
and tells him, "You
try again."
Top
Subj: The
Midwife Show-And-Tell (S423b, S639b)
From: DoctorDebt on 3/5/2005
This is a classroom story, NOT a joke.
I've been teaching now for about
fifteen years. I have two
kids myself, but the best birth
story I know is the one I
saw in my own second-grade classroom
a few years back. When
I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell.
So I always have a few
sessions with my students.
It helps them get over shyness
and usually, show-and-tell is
pretty tame. Kids bring in
pet turtles, model airplanes,
pictures of fish they catch,
stuff like that. And I
never, ever place any boundaries or
limitations on them. If
they want to lug it to school and
talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl,
Erica, a very bright, very
outgoing kid, takes her turn
and waddles up to the front of
the class with a pillow stuffed
under her sweater. She
holds up a snapshot of an infant.
"This is Luke, my baby brother,
and I'm going to tell you
about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as
a symbol of their love, and
then Dad put a seed in my Mom's
stomach, and Luke grew in
there he ate for nine months
through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her
hands on the pillow, and I'm
trying not to laugh and wishing
I had my camcorder with me.
The kids are watching her in
amazement. "Then, about two
Saturdays ago, my Mom starts
saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'
Erica puts a hand behind her
back and groans. "She walked
around the house for, like an
hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!
Now the kid's doing this hysterical
duck walk, holding her
back and groaning. "My
Dad called the middle wife. She
delivers babies, but she doesn't
have a sign on the car
like the Domino's man." "They
got my Mom to lie down in
bed like this." Then Erica
lies down with her back against
the wall.
"And then, pop! My Mom
had this bag of water she kept in
there in case he got thirsty,
and it just blew up and
spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!" This kid has
her legs spread and with her
little hands are miming water
flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts
saying 'push, push, and breathe,
breathe.'" "They started counting,
but never even got past
ten." "Then, all of a sudden,
out comes my brother. He was
covered in yucky stuff, they
all said was from Mom's play-
center! , so there must be a
lot of stuff inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big
theatrical bow and returned
to her seat. I'm sure
I applauded the loudest. Ever since
then, if it's show-and-tell
day, I bring my camcorder, just
in case another Erica comes
along.
Top
Subj: Pregnant
Lady And Farmer Talk On Bus (S411, S608c)
From: JokesUncut on 12/2/2004
and
From: hellgunner50 on 8/26/2008
A young lady had just visited
her doctor and he informed her
that she was pregnant. The young
lady had been married for
ten years and had wanted a baby
very badly. As she sat on
the bus, on her way home, she
felt that she had to share
the good news with someone.
The gentleman sitting next to
her seemed as good as anyone
to share the good news with.
Sir, she said, I just received
the best news you could ever
imagine. I have to share it
with someone or I'll bust. She
told him the news that the doctor
had told her about being
pregnant. The man shared her
enthusiasm as he shared his
experience. He said he was a
farmer and he had trouble with
his hens laying eggs. He stated
that he went out to the
hen house one morning and all
of his hens had laid eggs.
He was so happy. he added, "but
confidentially, I changed
cocks." The newly pregnant woman
responded, "Confidentially,
me too."
Top
Subj: Granddaughter
Born In Japan (S390b, S743)
From: mrx on 7/17/2004
and
From: ezines@arcamax.com on 4/6/2011
Stationed in Okinawa, Japan,
my son and his wife were
expecting their first baby.
I was elated when he called
me at work with the news of
my grandchild's birth.
I took down all the statistics
and turned to relate it all
to my co-workers. "I'm
a grandmother!" I declared. "It's
a baby girl, and she weighs
five pounds."
"When was she born?" someone asked.
Recalling the date my son told
me, I stopped, looked at
the calendar, and said in amazement,
"Tomorrow!"
Top
Subj: German
Couple Wanted To Have A Baby (S386)
From: jerry on 6/12/2004
A German couple who, after 8
frustrating years of failing to
have a baby, sought help from
the University Clinic of Lubek
only to be told that they must
have s*ex if they want to have
a baby.
According to a University spokesperson,
"When we asked them
how often they had had sex,
they looked blank, and said:
'What do you mean?'".
"We are not talking retarded people
here," the spokesperson continued,
"but a couple who were
brought up in a religious environment
who were simply unaware,
after eight years of marriage,
of the physical requirements
necessary to procreate."
The couple, also smiling for
the first time, are now being
given appropriate counseling
... and a high speed Internet
connection.
The University, amazed to have
found a man who actually
thinks only with his brain,
is undertaking a study to see
if there are other such couples.
Charlotte Observer (Charlotte, North Carolina) 3-Jun-04
| Subj: German
Couple Wanted To Have A Baby II
From: LABLaughsAdult on 7/5/2006 (S493c) |
 |
This is a newspaper clipping
of German couple who had
not been able to have children.
This amazing article
can be read at the source above,
or on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.
Top
Subj: British
Child Support Forms (S374, S537c)
From: jbcary1 on 3/26/2004
and
From: AFine963 on 5/3/2007
The following are all replies
that British women have put
on Child Support Agency forms
in the section for listing
father's details. These are
genuine excerpts from the forms.
1. Regarding the identity of
the father of my twins, child A
was fathered by Jim Munson.
I am unsure as to the identity of
the father of child B, but I
believe that he was conceived on
the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity
of the father of my child
as I was being sick out of a
window when taken unexpectedly
from behind. I can provide you
with a list of names of men
that I think were at the party
if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of
the father of my little girl.
She was conceived at a party
at 36 Grand Avenue where I had
unprotected sex with a man I
met that night. I do remember
that the sex was so good that
I fainted. If you do manage
to track down the father, can
you send me his phone number?
Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity
of the father of my daughter.
He drives a BMW that now has
a hole made by my stiletto in
one of the door panels. Perhaps
you can contact BMW service
stations in this area and see
if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with
a man. I am awaiting a letter
from the Pope confirming that
my son's conception was
immaculate and that he is Christ
risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name
of child A's dad as he informs
me that to do so would blow
his cover and that would have
cataclysmic implications for
the British economy. I am torn
between doing right by you and
right by the country. Please
advise.
7. I do not know who the father
of my child was as all
squaddies look the same to me.
I can confirm that he was a
Royal Green Jacket.
8. Peter Smith is the father
of child A. If you do catch up
with him, can you ask him what
he did with my AC/DC CDs?
9. From the dates it seems that
my daughter was conceived
at Euro Disney; maybe it really
is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night
is a blur. The only thing that
I remember for sure is Delia
Smith did a program about eggs
earlier in the evening. If I'd
have stayed in and watched
more TV rather than going to
the party at 146 Miller Drive,
mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity
of the father of my
baby, after all when you eat
a can of beans you can't be
sure which one made you fart.
Top
Subj: Pregnant
Lady Shot Three Times (S290, DU)
From: Grampsboyd on 8/20/2002
A pregnant woman with triplets
was walking down the street,
when a masked robber runs out
of a bank and shoots her
three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay!
The surgeon decides to leave
the bullets in because it was
too risky to operate.
The woman had two healthy girls and
a healthy son.
All went fine for 16 years, until
one day, one of the
daughters busted in her room
in tears. "What's wrong?",
asks the mother. "I was
taking a pee, and this bullet
came out.", replied the daughter.
The mother tells her
that it`s okay, and explains
to her what happened sixteen
years ago.
A week later, the second daughter
runs into her room in
tears. "Mom, I was taking
a pee, and this bullet came out."
Again the mother tells her daughter
not to worry and
explains what happened sixteen
years ago.
A week later, her son came into
her room in tears. "It`s
okay!", says the Mom. "I know
what happened! You were
taking a pee, and a bullet came
out."
"No.", says the boy. "I was playing
with myself, and I shot
the dog!!"
Top
Subj: Mother
Angry, Daughter Pregnant (S288)
From: dogbyte on 7/31/2002
A mother took her daughter to
the doctor and asked him to
give her an examination to determine
the cause of the
daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about
2 seconds to say, "Gimme a
break, lady! Your daughter
is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury,
and she argued with the
doctor that *her* daughter was
a good girl, and would
*never* compromise her reputation
by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and
screamed, "Quit looking out
the window! Aren't you
paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention,
ma'am. It's just
that the last time this happened,
a star appeared in the
east, and three wise men came.
I was hoping they'd show
up again, and help me figure
out who got your daughter
pregnant!"
Top
Subj: Baby
Sues Over Pregnancy (S258b)
From: jerry on 1/2/2002
A state appeals court in Miami,
Florida, ruled that children
have the right to sue their
mothers for injuries caused by
bad driving during pregnancy.
The lawsuit was initiated by
a MOTHER on behalf of her 7-year-old
daughter who sustained
severe permanent injuries in
a traffic accident the day
before she was born and whose
mother was deemed to be
partially responsible for the
accident.
Why does the mother want her daughter to sue her?
Because it's the insurance company who gets to pay the award.
Meanwhile, although winning the
suit against her mother, as
her mother wishes, bears evidence
that the mother was
responsible for the injuries,
no criminal charges can be
brought against the mother for
endangering her child because
Florida has a law against such
criminal actions.
The insurance company will appeal
the decision to the Florida
Supreme Court hoping that the
concept will be rejected as it
was by the Illinois Supreme
Court which contended that if
such lawsuits were permitted,
then the moment of conception
would create a relationship
between mother and fetus as that
of legal adversaries.
Miami Herald 20-Dec-01
Top
Subj: Couple
Get Help For Pregnancy (S251, S538c)
From: RFSlick on 11/22/2001
and
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/20/2007
The Smiths were unable to conceive
children, and decided to
use a surrogate father to start
their family.
On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed
his wife and said, "I'm off.
The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by
chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell,
hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to ..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've
been expecting you," Mrs.
Smith cut in. "Really?" the
photographer asked. "Well,
good! I've made a specialty
of babies."
"That's what my husband and I
had hoped. Please come in
and have a seat."
After a moment she asked,
blushing, "Well, where do we
start?"
"Leave everything to me.
I usually try two in the bath-
tub, one on the couch and perhaps
a couple on the bed.
Sometimes the living room floor
is fun too; you can
really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor?
No wonder it didn't work
for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can
guarantee a good one every
time. But if we try several
different positions and I
shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased
with the results."
"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a
man must take his time. I'd
love to be in and out in five
minutes, but you'd be
disappointed with that, I'm
sure."
"Don't I know it." Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase
and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the
top of a bus."
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed,
tugging at her
handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally
well - when you
consider their mother was so
difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I
finally had to take her to the
park to get the job done right.
People were crowding
around four and five deep, pushing
to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs.
Smith, eyes widened in
amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said.
"For more than three hours,
too. The mother was constantly
squealing and yelling - I
could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I
began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began
nibbling on my equipment, I
just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
"You mean they actually chewed
on your, um...equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if
you're ready, I'll set up
my tripod so that we can get
to work."
"Tripod??"
Oh yes, I have to use a tripod
to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big for me to hold
very long ...
Madam? Madam?
Top
Subj: Changes
Now That The Baby Has Arrived (S250, DU)
From: WSelwa on 11/16/20
Hubby drops to No.2 on the list
of people drooling at the
sight of your breasts.
Finally, someone you can beat
at "Got Your Nose," at least
for a year or so.
You develop a liking for minivans,
sensible shoes, and a
deep-seated contempt for Michael
Jackson.
You're not so tolerant of strangers
asking to touch your
round little belly anymore now
that you're just FAT.
Goodbye, Happy Hour ... Hello, Happy Meal!
Can't leave the AK-47s under the couch anymore.
No longer get arrested for whipping
out your breast on the
subway.
The realization that caca comes in a rainbow of lovely colors.
Well, there goes the pet dingo.
Cases of Bud Light quickly replaced by cases of Butt Wipes.
Junior looks adorable in his
little "sandbox," but the cat
is seriously torqued about it.
For efficiency, your paycheck now direct-deposited to Disney.
The closest you come to orgasm
is when you think of sleep.
Top
Subj: Lamaze
Class (S240)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/3/2001
A couple just started their Lamaze
class and they were
given an activity requiring
the husband to wear a bag of
sand to give him an idea of
what it feels like to be
pregnant. The husband
stood up and shrugged saying,
"This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a
pen and asked the husband
to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen
as if I were pregnant,
the way my wife would do it?"
the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands,
he turned to his
wife and said, "Honey, pick
up that pen for me."
Top
Subj: Six-Year
Old's Mother Is Pregnant (S146, DU)
From: KMacinty on 11/18/1999
For weeks, a six-year old lad
kept telling his first-grade
teacher about the baby brother
or sister that was expected
at his house. One day
the mother allowed the boy to feel the
movements of the unborn child.
The six-year old was obviously
impressed, but made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped
telling his teacher about the
impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy
on her lap and said, "Tommy,
whatever has become of that
baby brother or sister you were
expecting at home?" Tommy
burst into tears and confessed,
"I think Mommy ate it!"
Top
Subj: Where
Babies Come From (S398b)
From: JokesAndHumor.com on 9/8/04
At: http://www.jokesandhumor.com/babies.html
 |
Top
Subj: Basic
Pregnancy Questions (S131A, S381b)
From: KMacinty on 8/3/99
and
From: Imogenelumen on 5/15/2004
Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant
if my husband wears
boxers rather
than briefs?
A: Yes, but you'll have an
even better chance if he doesn't
wear anything
at all.
Q: What is the easiest way to
figure out exactly when
I got pregnant?
A: Have sex once a year.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy
craving?
A: For men to be the ones who
get pregnant.
Q: My husband and I are very
attractive. I'm sure our baby
will be beautiful
enough for commercials. Who should I
contact about
this?
A: Your therapist.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now.
When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after
he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting
is morning sickness or
the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll
get better.
Q: My husband has a big nose,
and genes for big noses are
dominant,
my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A: The odds are greater that
your brother will have a fat lip.
Q: Since I became pregnant,
my breasts, rear end, and even
my feet have
grown. Is there anything that gets smaller
during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: Ever since I've been pregnant,
I haven't been able to go to
bed at night
without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A: Depends on what you're doing
with them.
Q: The more pregnant I get,
the more often strangers smile
at me. Why?
A: Cause you're fatter then
they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant
and so moody that
sometimes
she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: Will I love my dog less when
the baby is born?
A: No, but your husband might
get on your nerves.
Q: Under what circumstances
can sex at the end of pregnancy
bring on
labor?
A: When the sex is between
your husband and another woman.
Q: What's the difference between
a nine-month pregnant
woman and
a Playboy centerfold?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant
woman's husband knows what's
good for
him.
Q: My childbirth instructor
says it's not pain I'll feel
during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that
a tornado might be called an
air current.
Q: When is the best time to
get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out
you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have
to be in the delivery room
while my
wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony"
means anything to you.
Q: I'm modest. Once I'm in the
hospital to deliver, who
will see
me in that delicate position?
A: Authorized personnel only
doctors, nurses, oderlies,
photographers,
florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labor causes anything you
want to blame it for.
Q: Where is the best place to
store breast milk?
A: In your breasts.
Q: Is there a safe alternative
to breast pumps?
A: Yes, baby lips.
Q: What does it mean when a
baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's
mother may want to rethink
her plans
to nurse.
Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
A: Bathe daily and wear a clean
bra. It beats boiling
them in a
saucepan.
Q: What are the terrible twos?
A: Your breasts after baby
stops nursing cold turkey.
Q: What is the best time to
wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: What is the grasp reflex?
A: The reaction of new fathers
when they see a new
mother's
breasts.
Q: Can a mother get pregnant
while nursing?
A: Yes, but it's much easier
if she removes the baby from
her breast
and puts him to sleep first.
Q: What happens to disposable
diapers after they're thrown away?
A: They are stored in a silo
in the Midwest, in the event
of global
chemical warfare.
Q: Do I have to have a baby
shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's
diaper very quickly.
Q: What causes baby blues?
A: Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
Q: What is colic?
A: A reminder for new parents
to use birth control.
Q: What are night terrors?
A: Frightening episodes in
which the new mother dreams
she's pregnant
again.
Q: Our baby was born last week.
When will my wife begin
to feel and
act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
From: Cypriot on 1/4/2002
Q: Should I have a baby after
35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: What is the most reliable
method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: Is there anything I should
avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Top
Subj: Lady
Has Strange Baby (S104, S353)
From: humorlist-digest V3 #18 on 99-01-21
A young lady in the maternity
ward just prior to labour is
asked by the midwife if she
would like her husband to be
present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing
baby girl, but I must warn you
before you see her that the
baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I
was very down on my luck, with
no money and nowhere to live,
and so I accepted a job in a
Porno movie. The lead
man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the
midwife, "that's really none
of my business and I'm sorry
that I have to ask you these
awkward questions but I must
also tell you that the baby
has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies,
"you see I desperately
needed the money and there was
this Swedish guy also involved
in the movie, what else could
I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife
repeats, "that's really none of
my business and I hate to pry
further but your baby has
slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl,
"I was incredibly hard up and
there was a little Chinese man
also in the movie, I really
had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises
collects the baby and
presents her to the girl, who
immediately proceeds to give
baby a slap on the bum.
The baby starts crying and the
mother exclaims, "Well thank
god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely
relieved, "I had this horrible
feeling that it was going to
bark."
Top
Subj: If Men
Got Pregnant (58, DU)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #235 on 98-03-09
* Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay
* There would be a cure for stretch marks
* Natural childbirth would become obsolete
* Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem
* All methods of birth control would be 100% effective
* Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained
* Men would be eager to talk about commitment
* They wouldn't think twins were so cute
* Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM
* Briefcases would be used as diaper bags
* Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes
* They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy
* Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's
* Women would rule the world
Top
Subj: Three
Pregnant Ladies Knitting Baby Clothsn (DU)
Three pregnant ladies are knitting
cloths for their unborn
babies. The first woman
looks at her watch, "oh" she says,
stops knitting and reaches into
her purse and pulls out a
little black box, and out from
the little black box pulls
a pill, and then swallows the
pill. She turns and smiles
to the other ladies and says
"Iron, good for mother
(pointing at her chest) good
for baby" (then rubs her
stomach). The other ladies
smile and all continue knitting.
15 minutes later, the second
woman looks at her watch, "oh"
she says, stops knitting and
reaches into her purse and
pulls out a little black box,
and out from the little black
box pulls a pill, and then swallows
the pill. She turns
and smiles to the other ladies
and says "Calcium, good for
mother (pointing at her chest)
good for baby" (then rubs
her stomach). The other
ladies smile and all continue
knitting.
15 minutes later, the third woman
looks at her watch, "oh"
she says, stops knitting and
reaches into her purse and
pulls out a little black box,
and out from the little
black box pulls a pill, and
then swallows the pill. She
then continues to knit. The
other two are curious and
ask her what the pill was.
"Thalidomide, I can't knit
sleeves.
Top
Subj: Pregnant
Lady On A Bus Is Laughed At (S95)
From: JOELFALLON on 98-11-21
This is from an actual trial in the UK:
A young woman (several months
pregnant) boarded a bus. When
she noticed a young man smiling
she began feeling humiliated
on account of her condition.
She changed her seat and he
seemed more amused. She
moved again and on her fourth move
he burst out laughing.
She had him arrested and when the
case came before the court this
was the man's reply when
asked why he acted in such a
manner.
"When the lady boarded the bus
I couldn't help noticing her
condition. She sat under
an advertisment which read "Coming
Soon The Gold Dust Twins", then
she moved under "Sloans
Liniments remove Swelling'.
I was even more amused when
she sat under a shaving advertisment
which read 'William
Stick Did The Trick'.
I could not control myself any longer
when on the fourth move she
sat under an advertisment which
read 'Dunlop Rubber would have
prevented this accident.'
He won the case.
Top
Subj: Pregnant
Lady Has A Car Accident (S273e)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/24/2002
Young pregnant lady was going
to the hospital, on the way
they had a car accident they
were fine except a bit shocked.
The lady gave birth, she had
twins. but was so tired from
the accident and giving birth
that she fell asleep.
Her uncle who was travelling
with her, was told to name her
babies. After thinking
hard he named them. Later on the
lady woke up and wanted her
babies so she could name them.
The doctor said her uncle had
already done this.
The lady was quite shocked, she
said to the doctor that her
uncle didn't do very well in
school and had a problem with
English. The doctor said
he had guessed that already. The
lady asked what her uncle named
them.
The doctor said he named the girl Denise.
The lady said wow thats a really nice name.
The doctor said he named the boy Denephew.
Subj: Short
Pregnant Jokes
 |
Subj:
Sure Sign of Being Pregnant (S559c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 10/2/2007 |
| Subj:
Bad Baby Names (S457)
From: igiggle on 11/5/2005 |
 |
Top
Subj: Prenant
Lady Goes into Labor and Start Shouting (S448b)
From: Readers Digest on September of 2005
My wife was in labor with iur
first child. Things were
going pretty well when suddenly
she began to shout,
Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't,
didn't, can't".
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing. She's just having
contractions."
Top
Subj: Present
At Birth? (S425b)
From: JokesUncut on 3/3/2005
"Will the father be present
during the birth?" asked
the obstetrician solicitously.
"Nah," replied the mother to
be. "He and my husband
don't get along."
Top
Subj: Doctor
Answers Pregnant Lady's Question (S405b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/20/2004
A woman pregnant with her first
child paid a visit to her
obstetrician's office. After
the exam, she shyly said,
"My husband wants me to ask
you...," to which the doctor
replies, "I know, I know," placing
a reassuring hand on
her shoulder. "I get asked
that all the time. Sex is fine
until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it," the woman
confessed.
"He wants to know if I can still
mow the lawn."
Top
Subj: Winners
In The Sexual Abstinence Contest (S275c)
From: jerry on 5/8/2002
Two winners in a sexual abstinence
essay contest in
Paterson, NJ, a part of the
annual Healthy Mothers, Healthy
Babies teen health fair, are
now pregnant, and they are not
married and they are still in
high school.
CBS News 2-May-02
Top
Subj: Couple
Couldn't Have Baby (S259b)
From: jerry on 10/22/2001
A Romanian couple who went to
their local fertility clinic
to complain that, despite frequent
sex, they could not
conceive. They went home
however with new hope after
doctors explained to them that
they were doing it all wrong.
That one cannot get pregnant
having anal sex.
Evenimentul Zilei (Romania) via
Ananova 19-Oct-01
Top
Subj: Mother
And Daughter Discuss Pregnancy (S211)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/17/2001
When I was six months pregnant
with my third child, my three
year old came into the room
when I was just getting ready to
get into the shower. She
said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember
Mommy has a baby growing in
her tummy."
"I know," she replied, "but what
is growing in your butt?"
Top
Subj: Two
Rednecks Discuss Vacation (S208, S729)
From: DoctorDebt on 2/14/2005
and
From: hilary.miller05 on 1/5/2011
Billy Bob and Lester were talking
one afternoon when Billy
Bob tells Lester, "Ya know,
I reckon I'm about ready for a
vacation. Only this year
I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your
suggestions as to where to
go.
Three years ago you said to go
to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii
and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told
me to go to the Bahamas, and
Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti
and darned if Earline didn't
get pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what
you gonna do this year that
is different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm
taking Earline with me."
Top
Subj: Pregnant
Lady Fishes (DU)
From: Newsgroup: rec.humor.funny
Heard way back in the late 1940's:
A popular
place to fish nearby is a bridge across a salt water river.
Frequently folks would change
from one side of the bridge to another. One
of these was an obviously pregnant
lady who simply stepped off the curb
right in the path of a pickup
truck. Fortunately, the driver was able to
stop in time. He yelled
out the window, "You could get knocked down, too!"
What first went on sale to the
public in pharmacies on May 9, 1960?
Birth control pills
A man spoke frantically into
the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes
apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
doctor asked. "No, you idiot!"
the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
From: BawdyNet Collage on 98-04-20
New studies show that women
who drink tea are twice as likely to get
pregnant. Related studies
have revealed that women who drink Long
Island Ice Tea are twice as
likely to wake up in the back seat of a
Camaro with sticky hair.
Q: Did you hear about the woman
with a piece of glass for a belly button?
A: She was said to have a womb
with a view !!!
Q: Why did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A: Burger King forgot to wrap
his whopper!!
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.............................
..Pregnant
Smiley from Smiley_Central.
.
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