Subj: Sperm Joke
(Includes 40 jokes and articles, 24732n,3,cf,md,1)
Animated Gifs Maniac
Also see BAR2 file
- 'Two Triple
Martinis At A Bar'
BROTHERS file- 'Bunk Bed Brothers'
COLLEGE1 file- 'Masterbation In Showers At Durham'
......................- 'Professor Discusses Sperm'
......................- 'Cheek Cells Under A Microscope'
CONDOM file - 'Truck Driver Picks Up Two Hitchhickers'
DATING1 file - 'Guy Meets Girl At Mailbox'
......................- 'A Guy And Girl On Their First Date'
DATING3 file - 'Three Roommates Discuss Dates'
HOOKER file - 'Three Hookers Talk'
HOSPITAL1 - 'Wife Dying In Hospital'
INDIAN file - 'Indian Gives Lady A Horseback Ride'
IRISH file - 'Irish Gang Robs A Bank'
PLANE1 file - 'Man On Plane Sneezes'
POPE file - 'The Pope Buys A Camera'
Subj: The Vanilla Pudding Robbery (S616c)
From: hellgunner50 on 10/28/2008
This is just too funny not to
share. Excerpted from an
article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank
robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly
after midnight, their efforts
at disabling the security system got underway immediately.
The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes
filled with cash ?valuables, were surprised to see hundreds
of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first
safe's combination, and
inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio
tape system, one robber
said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'
The robbers opened up a second
safe, and it also contained
nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until
all safes were opened.
They did not find one euro, a
diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made
a quiet exit, each leaving
with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:
'IRELAND 'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'...
This is an Urban Legend as confirmed
by Snopes.com at
Subj: Couple Want Artificial Insemination (S313, DU)
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/24/2003
After much soul searching and
having determined the husband
was infertile, the childless couple decided to try
artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the
clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on
the table and place her feet in the stirrups.
She was feeling rather awkward
about the entire procedure
when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by
the sight of him pulling down his pants! "Wait a minute!
What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling
herself into a sitting position.
"Don't you want to get pregnant?"
asked the doctor. "Well,
yes, I do," answered the woman.
"Then lie back and spread 'em,"
replied the doctor. "We're
all out of the bottled stuff. You'll just have to settle
for what's on tap."
Subj: News - Hormones in Semen (S282, DU)
From: Yahoo! News on 6/26/02
Hormones in Semen Shown to Make Women Feel Good
LONDON (Reuters) - Hormones in
semen may help to ease
female depression because women whose partners don't
use condoms are less likely to feel down.
Scientists at the State University
of New York suspect
the mood-altering hormones are absorbed through the
vagina and make women feel good but they stressed that
their results are not an excuse for unprotected sex.
"I want to make it clear that
we are not advocating that
people abstain from using condoms," Gordon Gallup, who
led the study, told New Scientist magazine on Wednesday.
"Clearly an unwanted pregnancy
or a sexually transmitted
disease would more than offset any advantageous psychological
effects of semen," he added.
The researchers assessed the
moods of 300 female students
using a standard questionnaire. A score of more than 17
was considered moderately depressed.
Women whose partners never used
condoms scored about eight
on the test while those who never had sex without condoms
scored 11.3. Women who weren't having sex at all scored
Depression in the students who
sometimes or never used
condoms was more severe the longer they went without sex.
The scientists said they looked
at other factors, such as
the use of oral contraceptives, frequency of sex and
personality type, but found that none could account for
The magazine said the results
are not a complete surprise
because scientists know that semen contains several mood-
altering hormones including testosterone.
"Some of these have been detected
in a woman's blood within
hours of exposure to semen," the magazine said.
The scientists suspect semen
will have the same effect on
women regardless of how they are exposed to it.
Subj: Harold And Sperm Specimen (S158, S709)
From: KMacinty on 02/07/2000
and From: kgilmour2000 on 8/15/2010
Harold was 82 and having some
prostate problems. After
examining him the doctor gave him a specimen jar, saying
"Take this home with you and try to produce a semen specimen.
Stop by tomorrow and drop it off so I can run a few tests."
Harold took the jar and headed home.
The next day Harold came in and
asked to speak to the doctor.
When he was taken into the office, the doctor asked how he
made out. "Not good, Doc," said Harold. "I went home and
tried to do what you said.
Tried with my right hand 'til
it was cramped from the arthritis
-- no luck. I tried with my left hand until I had blisters --
no luck. "I asked my wife to help me out, so she tried with
her left hand and with her right hand -- no luck.
"She even tried with her mouth.
She tried with her teeth in
and she tried with her teeth out -- no luck.
Then we called Edna next door to see if she could help."
"Good grief, Man!" exclaimed
the doctor, "you asked your
neighbor to help you?"
"Yep," said Harold, "couldn't
none of us get the lid off that
Subj: Mother Calls Sex 'Making Cakes (S101, DU)
From: scott_pryor on 99-01-02
A little girl and her mother
walking through the park one
day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy what are they doing?"
The mother hesitates then quickly
replies "Ummm they are
The next day they are at a zoo
and the little girl sees
two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what
they are doing and her mother replies with the same
response, making cakes.
The next day the girl says to
her mother, "Mummy, you and
daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night."
The mother says, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
Subj: Donating At The Sperm Bank (S54, S664)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98
A girl got in line to donate
blood at the local blood bank.
She got to talking to the man in line in front of her and
asked how often he donated blood.
He corrected her, stating that
he was there to donate
sperm. Really, she said, how much do they pay for sperm
$50.00 the man stated. The girl
replied that she only made
$10.00 each time she donated blood.
After the donations, each went their own way.
The following week, the same
girl and guy got in line again.
The man turned to the girl and asked "Are you here to donate
Girl, with cheeks puffed out,
mumbled Nooumm, Dunnnafdsf
Subj: Fish Fry (DU)
From: ipkis on 97-07-24
A mother and her son were at
the zoo and at the monkey
exibit the two monkeys were having sex. The little boy
asked his mom, "Mommy what are they doing?".
The mother replied, "Fishfry dear".
They continued on to the next
exibit and saw that the two
zebras were also having sex. The little boy asked, "What
are they doing mommy?"
The mother replied once again, "Fishfry dear".
Later that night the mother and
father were in the bedroom
while the little boy sat outside the door. When the mother
opened the door the little boy asked, "Mommy, were you and
daddy doin fishfry?"
The mother said, "Why do you ask that?".
The boy answered, "Because you
have tartar sauce on your
Subj: Two Sperm Talking
Two sperms are swimming. The
young one says:
"Hey, how long is it to get to the ovaries?"
To which the other replies:
"Ovaries? We haven't passed the tonsils yet!"
Subj: Wasted Sex
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #177
Wasted Resources/Missed Opportunities
by A. Kohn and F. Fish
Orgenics, Yavne, Israel
In the July 6, 1992, issue of
Time International we are
informed that the World Health Organization (WHO) estimates
that 100 million acts of human sexual intercourse occur
each day but that only 910,000 of them result in conception.
The rest are simply wasted. Thus more than 99 million acts
of intercourse are squandered and have no practical results
except momentary pleasure for the participants.
If one takes into account the
volume of the lost sperm,
assuming at least 5 mL per act of intercourse, we may
calculate that about 5 x 10E-3 x 99 x 10E6 or 500 cubic
meters of fertil fluid are wasted per day. This brings
the number to 15,000 cubic meters per month!
Assuming that the need for irrigation
of an acre of
agricultural land in arid areas is about 40 cubic meters
per acre per month, we find that the available volume of
sperm would be sufficient to irrigate, as wall as fertilize,
about 350 acres of land.
In addition, the squandered acts
of intercourse require
energy that may be calculated to be equivalent to about
300 kcal per act of intercourse. Thus the redundant energy,
if properly harnessed, would be sufficient to operate a
power station and to supply 1500 mW/day, enough for a city
the size of New York.
These energy calculations can
be made more accessible to
the layperson. Let us say that the starter motor in your
car has a power requirement of 500W. Thus the energy
wasted on nonproductive acts of intercourse would be
sufficient to start three million cars. If you cannot
start your car on a cold morning in winter, think of your
neighbors having wasted all that energy the night before,
enjoying themselves with their partners.
This from the Journal of Irreproducible Results, which,
for those who've never heard of it, is a hilarious send-up
of scientific inquiry and scientific journals.
US subscriptions are $21. Contact
Publications at 1-800-759-6102. Contributions of articles
are also welcome: contact J.I.R. at POB 380853, Cambridge,
Subj: Sperm Bank Complaint (S401b)
From: From: JokesUncut on 10/5/2004
Subj: Sperm Donor (S35)
From: Daemonic Funnies Page
Unless his father is rich, a
graduate student in computer
science will most likely end up supporting himself by
working on university research projects or, if he doesn't
speak English, by teaching undergraduates. These students
make less than a freelance can recycler. A few students
work part-time at a useful craft or trade that supports
them in comfort. I decided that I would practice such a
trade: Professional sperm donation, the jack of all trades.
During my first visit to the
sperm bank, I was taken to the
office of the doctor in charge. His walls were covered by
medical degrees and citations for his achievements in sperm
preservation. One of the citations said "Honorable
Discharge", which I thought was a bit grandiose.
"It is of the utmost importance
that semen samples remain
sterile," the doctor explained.
"Sterile semen?" I oxymoroned.
"Thus, samples must be produced
by unassisted direct manual
stimulation of the genital protuberance."
"Choke the purple-helmeted love nazi."
"Furthermore, before the production
of each sample, there
must be three days of abstinence."
"Three days? 4320 minutes!
Is that really a good idea?"
I had visions of being rushed to the emergency room to have
my scrotum lanced and drained as it expanded like a Jiffy
Pop bag. "I'm no doctor, but I think an hour of abstinence
is enough. I mean, we're not aging a fine wine, are we?..."
I was scheduled for a donor room,
where I would have to
deliver samples, piping hot, in 30 minutes or less. I
didn't know if I could become aroused under such conditions.
I was of an impressionable age when I first saw Racquel
Welch in "Fantastic Voyage", and afterward I could only be
aroused by women who wore rubber diving suits and were
covered by foot-long antibodies. (These days, having your
partner in a rubber suit covered with large antibodies is
not a bad idea.) I've since grown out of this habit.
Although now I can only become
aroused by a woman if she
turns the letters on my "Wheel of Fortune" board game. I
decided to get some men's magazines for immoral support.
As a teenager I found Penthouse
to be highly stimulating.
(As a teenager I found everything to be highly stimulating.
I had to take up tennis just to explain my tennis elbow.)
However, Penthouse photographs are often rendered in a
diffused soft focus, which is why you go blind. Eyestrain
is the reason you often see men crying when they read the
Once, when I was fourteen, my
father wondered if he should
get a subscription to Penthouse. "Great idea!" I panted.
"It offers an insightful editorial posture and interviews
with personalities of topical interest."
He shrugged indifferently.
"You have to get it! You
absolutely have to! It offers
guides to fashion and accessories, goddammit!" I shrieked
before passing out. Now I've started to actually read
those articles. I used to put magazines under my
mattresss so they wouldn't be found; now they're there for
lower back support.
I thought that, if I'm going
to be a professional in a
medical facility, I should forget the over-the-counter
products like Penthouse and look for more potent
prescription remedies in the shops of the red light
These magazines did not have
interviews with personalities
of topical interest. Their titles generally were the
names of female body parts. One was called "Female Body
Parts". The magazines might serve a medical professional
as references of female anatomy and its many diseases, but
they were too much for me. I settled for this month's
issue of "NBC Anchorwomen in Chains".
As it turned out, I was able
to wield Excalibur without
anxiety in the clinic's donor room, and I looked forward
to returning there on my twice-weekly visits. I didn't
appreciate it at first, but I eventually realized what a
terrific room it was. It had a wicked, shameless chair,
a voluptuous, come-hither lamp and a coy, pouting paper
towel dispenser. However, the room was small, or perhaps
it only seemed so because when there I was usually homo
erectus, so I was constantly upsetting lamps and clearing
shelves. Okay, maybe not.
I produced so many test specimens
that the doctor could
have built an infant from scratch and avoided conception
altogether. But after several weeks, the testing was over
and I was sent back to the doctor's office.
He said that I had been accepted
into the program: my sperm
count was five times higher than average.
There it was. In seconds,
I had become an awesome engine
of fertility, a sexual force to be feared. Condoms and
diaphragms could be shredded by my Zulu sperm cells as
their superior numbers overwhelmed the British outpost of
the ovum. My minions could overcome any female
contraceptive resistance and commit countless acts of
microscopic date rape.
My ego was further engorged by
the fact I'd finally met
someone who wanted me just for my body. I was a sex object,
meat on the hoof. The doctor obliged by talking about me
in the cold quantities of sperm counts and motilities,
reciting my "tale of the tape" as us pro athletes call it.
He also referred to donor candidates by number instead of
name to preserve anonymity. To the doctor I was The Man
With No Name, a hired gun.
"A hun'rd and ten million!
That's pretty good shootin',
stranger. What'd you say your name was again?"
"I didn't say...."
From now on, I would be paid.
My one-armed bandit had
consistently hit the jackpot, and now I was going to cash
in. Some guys think their penis has a mind of its own.
Mine had a career of its own.
It was during my next visit,
as I approached the main desk,
that I first saw her: Candy the candystriper.
I had never been particular about
my women. Two X
chromosomes sufficed. But Candy was different. Perhaps it
was the three days of fluid backing up into my brain that
made her look like an angel floating toward me. Perhaps it
was her helium breast implants. All I knew was that I
wanted to suckle that bosom till I talked like Donald Duck.
She noticed my groin, which bulged
handsomely due to the
bag of ice I put in my pants to keep down the swelling.
She gave me a specimen cup and
I went into the donor room,
where I was great. A minute later I returned.
My headache was gone. I
sauntered over to Candy's desk and
turned on the charm, which I can do pretty much at will.
"Sorry, but my cup runneth over with love."
She smiled the dazzling smile
that is the gift of a woman
with braces. She said, "You might want to zip up your fly."
"Why, you eagle-eyed minx," I
teased. "You've been watching
my fly, haven't you, like a photographer waiting for a
glimpse of the Loch Ness monster."
She giggled. "So, what do you do?"
"Here? Um, I do what all the other guys do. But better."
"I mean, what do you do for a living?"
I hung my head. "I'm a computer science graduate student."
"Really? Can you say something in computerese?"
"Awk grep sed lex yacc?"
She squealed with delight, and
her sudden increase in body
heat caused her implants to expand. I had it made.
On our first date, I learned
all about her. A woman of
compassion, she had bought a water bed because it made the
fleet feel more at home. She had also bought a high-tech,
no-mess vibrator, only to learn it was an electric orange
I thought it would be responsible
of me to inquire about
her medical history. Her gynecologist had said that,
though she needed retreads, she didn't have any social
diseases. This was a relief because it meant the
president wouldn't have to order a stand down of all naval
operations. Her neurologist had said that her brain was
still a virgin, its fragile tissues untouched by knowledge.
Her favorite literary work was
She hadn't read it, but she had seen an ad for the promo of
the music video. She could emphathize with a human mind
that finds itself trapped inside the body of an insect,
because she suffered the opposite problem.
She was my girl of my dreams.
Toward the end of the evening,
I made my move. "Pound
bang slash bin slash cush semi ell ess minus ell splat."
She fell against me, nearly swooning.
Should I strike
while the iron is hot? The sperm bank had already
scheduled to within 4 minutes every ejaculation I would
have in the next year. But how often does a man find true
love? I decided I would service both Candy and the sperm
bank, spreading myself thin, so to speak.
"Candy, would you like to go
to my place and view my
itchings? We could practice CPR. I'll check you for
tumors. Maybe a lower GI series?"
We got to my apartment and with
a flourish I opened the
door to my my lair of lust. "Welcome to my Altar of
Ecstasy, my Boudoir of Bliss."
"Gee, it looks just like a sperm donor room."
We wasted no time. She
was so hot her bust deployed like
a Chrysler air bag. All night it was twiddle twiddle
twiddle pipe mount socket pound bang pound bang splat
return. Consummate, consummate, consummate.
In the morning I staggered to
the sperm bank. The vigor
of youth had abondoned me. I needed a heavy styling mousse
to achieve the hardness needed to raise my flag over Iwo
Jima and produce a specimen. The cup would've held more
microbes if it was filled with Jersey tapwater.
Unfortunately, the doctor chose
that day for a spot check
of my handiwork. He looked at my specimen under a micro-
scope, but couldn't find anything. He continued hunting
for Red October and finally found a sperm. It tried to
swim, but then it grabbed its chest and rolled over.
So, my career ended as soon as
it started. But my romance
has flourished. Candy has proven to be a challenging
libidinal dynamo, but nothing me and some new vacuum
cleaner attachments can't handle.
Subj: Sperm Bank Robber (S44)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #212 on 97-11-27
A masked man walks into a sperm
bank, points a gun at the
woman behind the counter and shouts, "open the safe!"
"But this is not a real bank!"
the woman replies "it's a
"Open the safe or I'll shoot!" the man shouts.
The woman, now terrified, opens the safe.
"Now take one of the bottles and drink it.", he says.
"But sir, these are sperm samples!" the woman replies.
"Just drink it or I'll shoot!"
The woman opens the bottle and
drinks the lot. "Now take
another bottle and drink it."
"But sir, I just drank one!"
"Drink another one or I'll shoot you!"
The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle.
When she has emptied it the man
now takes off his mask and
the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband.
"Now you see, Honey", he says,
"it isn't so difficult now
Subj: Short Sperm Jokes
Subj: New York State County Worker Fired (S261b)
From: jerry on 1/31/2002
A New York State man, a supervisor with the Onondaga County
Department of Social Services, who has been arrested and
suspended without pay. For more than 30 years, he has been
masturbating into the coffee cups of coworkers. His
targets were six women.
He and all coworkers will be
tested for diseases and
counseling is being provided.
Post-Standard (Syracuse, NY)
New Hand Cream - Cartoon (S418)
Subj: Taking Your Dress To the Cleaners (S260, S697)
From: thebartend on 1/21/2002
Monica went to the dry cleaners and said, "Excuse me, I
would like to get my dress cleaned."
And the little old man was barely
able to hear her and
said," What did you say?"
She replied, "I would like to get my dress cleaned sir."
And the old man still could not
hear her and said, "Come
She replied. "No, Mustard."
Subj: Three Guys Discuss Early Memories (S232)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/10/2001
Three guys are debating who has the best memory. First guy
says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class."
Second guy says, "I can remember
my first day at Nursery
School!" Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell,
that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom
with my father, and coming home with my mother."
Subj: Tonto And Lone Ranger Are Lost (S17)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #80
Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost on the prairie one day.
The Lone Ranger, says to Tonto, "Use your Indian instincts
and get us out of this mess."
Tonto bends down and puts his
ear to the ground. He turns
and says to the Lone Ranger, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "How do you know?"
Tonto says, "Ear sticky."
Subj: Mayonnaise And The Adult Movies (S36)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #198 on 97-09-25
In college, my best friend told me that he would visit an
adult movie when he was bored. (They used to have 'em in
theatres; this was before VCRs.) He would take a spoon
and a jar of mayonnaise, sit in the back row, and every
so often flick a glob forward.
My boyfriend said that for his
physical, the doctor
needed a urine specimen, a stool sample, and a semen
specimen. I told him, "Just give them your underwear."
From: KMACINTY on 11/5/2002 (S301b)
The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm
when it ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it
into his mate. So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean
every time one unloads. And you wonder why the ocean is
From: The Sequel Collage Beta #2 on 98-02-23
Q: Why do men make millions of sperm cells when only
one is needed to fertilize the egg?
A: Have you ever known a man to ask for directions?
Q: Why is semen white and urine
A: So you can tell if you are coming or going.
Q: Using nautical terminology,
define the word 'dancing'.
A: Dancing is a navel engagement without loss of semen.
Q: What did one gay sperm say
to the other?
A: fuck it..we'll never find an egg in all this shit.
Q: What does a lawyer have in
common with a sperm?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming
a human being.
Q: How does a girl know when
her boyfriend's sperm count
is to high?
A: When she has to chew before swallowing. (Playboy April, 1997)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #19
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #83
Q: Why are you being paid more for a sperm donation than
for a blood one?
A: Because it's hand made.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #86
Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #178
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A: His wife died.
Q: What's the difference between
men and jelly beans?
A: Jelly beans come in colours.
From: dscott on 97-07-24
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird
of true love?
A: The swallow.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #193
Q: What should you do if you come across a tiger
in the jungle?
A: Wipe it off and apologise.
Q: What's gray and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.
From: BREWONETO on 98-02-16
Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
From: BawdyNet Test Message on 98-02-28
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a coffin ?
A: You come in one and go in the other.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #247 on 98-05-16
Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
A: Come in eight flavors.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #136 on 98-06-02
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a coffin ?
A: You come in one and go in the other.
From: kmacinty on 6/23/2002 (S282b)
Q: How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
A: If your girlfriend chews before swallowing.
.........................Smiley Gets Chased from Smiliemania.da.