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Subj:     "Who's On First"
          (A Sketch by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello)

Lou:  I love baseball.  When we get to St. Louis, will you
      tell me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see
      them in that St. Louis ballpark, I'll be able to know
      those fella's?
Bud:  All right.  But you know, strange as it may seem, they
      give ball players nowadays very peculiar names... nick-
      names, like "Dizzy Dean."  Now on the St. Louis team,
      we have "Who" is on first, "What" is on second and "I
      Don't Know"'s on third -
Lou:  That's what I want to find out.  I want you to tell me
      the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.
Bud:  I'm telling you.  "Who"'s on first, "What"'s on second,
      "I Don't Know" is on third -
Lou:  You know the fellows' names?
Bud:  Yes.
Lou:  Well, then who's playing first?
Bud:  Yes.
Lou:  I mean the fellow's name on first base.
Bud:  "Who."
Lou:  The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.
Bud:  "Who."
Lou:  The guy on first base.
Bud:  "Who" is on first.
Lou:  Well, what are you askin' me for?
Bud:  I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you.  "WHO" IS ON FIRST!
Lou:  I'm asking you -- who's on first?
Bud:  That's the man's name!
Lou:  That's who's name?
Bud:  Yes.
Lou:  Well, go ahead and tell me.
Bud:  "Who."
Lou:  The guy on first.
Bud:  "Who."
Lou:  The first baseman.
Bud:  "Who" is on first.
Lou:  Have you got a first
      baseman on first?
Bud:  Certainly.
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Lou:  Then who's playing first?
Bud:  Absolutely.
Lou:  (pause)  When you pay off the first baseman every
      month, who gets the money?
Bud:  Every dollar of it.  And why not, the man's entitled to it.
Lou:  Who is?
Bud:  Yes.
Lou:  So who gets it?
Bud:  Why shouldn't he?  Sometimes his wife comes down
      and collects it.
Lou:  Who's wife?
Bud:  Yes.  After all the man earns it.
Lou:  Who does?
Bud:  Absolutely.
Lou:  Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guys
      name on first base.
Bud:  Oh, no, no.  "What" is on second base.
Lou:  I'm not asking you who's on second.
Bud:  "Who"'s on first.
Lou:  That's what I'm trying to find out.
Bud:  Well, don't change the players around.
Lou:  I'm not changing nobody.
Bud:  Now, take it easy.
Lou:  What's the guy's name on first base?
Bud:  "What"'s the guy's name on second base.
Lou:  I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
Bud:  "Who"'s on first.
Lou:  I don't know.
Bud:  He's on third.  We're not talking about him.
Lou:  How could I get on third base?
Bud:  You mentioned his name.
Lou:  If I mentioned the third baseman's name,
      who did I say is playing third?
Bud:  No, "Who"'s playing first.
Lou:  Stay offa first, will ya?
Bud:  Well, what do you want me to do?
Lou:  Now what's the guy's name on first base?
Bud:  "What"'s on second.
Lou:  I'm not asking ya who's on second.
Bud:  "Who"'s on first.
Lou:  I don't know.
Bud:  He's on third.
Lou:  There I go back on third again.
Bud:  Well, I can't change their names.
Lou:  Say, will you please stay on third base?
Bud:  Please.  Now what is it you want to know?
Lou:  What is the fellow's name on third base?
Bud:  "What" is the fellow's name on second base.
Lou:  I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
Bud:  "Who"'s on first.
Lou:  I don't know.
Bud:  Third base!!!
Lou:  You got an outfield?
Bud:  Oh, sure.
Lou:  St. Louis has got a good outfield?
Bud:  Oh, absolutely.
Lou:  The left fielder's name?
Bud:  "Why."
Lou:  I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.
Bud:  Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
Lou:  Then tell me who's playing left field.
Bud:  "Who"'s playing first.
Lou:  Stay out of the infield!
Bud:  Don't mention any names out here.
Lou:  I want to know what's the fellow's name in left field?
Bud:  "What" is on second.
Lou:  I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
Bud:  "Who" is on first.
Lou:  I don't know.
Bud & Lou:  (together and calmly)  Third base.
Lou:  And the left fielder's name?
Bud:  "Why."
Lou:  Because.
Bud:  Oh he's center field.
Lou:  (whimpers)  Center field.
Bud:  Yes.
Lou:  Wait a minute.  You got a pitcher on this team?
Bud:  Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.
Lou:  I don't know.  Tell me the pitcher's name.
Bud:  "Tomorrow."
Lou:  You don't want to tell me today?
Bud:  I'm telling you, man.
Lou:  Then go ahead.
Bud:  "Tomorrow."
Lou:  What time?
Bud:  What time what?
Lou:  What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
Bud:  Now listen, "Who" is not pitching.  "Who" is on --
Lou:  I'LL BREAK YOUR ARM IF YOU SAY "WHO'S ON FIRST!"
Bud:  Then why come up here and ask?
Lou:  I want to know what's the pitcher's name.
Bud:  "What"'s on second.
Lou:  I don't know.
Bud & Lou:  (very quickly) Third base!!
Lou:  You gotta catcher?
Bud:  Yes.
Lou:  The catcher's name?
Bud:  "Today."
Lou:  "Today."  And "Tomorrow" is pitching.
Bud:  Now you've got it.
Lou:  That's all.  St. Louis has a couple of days on their team.
Bud:  Well, I can't help that.
Lou:  You know I'm a good catcher, too.
Bud:  I know that.
Lou:  I would like to play for the St. Louis team.
Bud:  Well I might arrange that.
Lou:  I would like to catch.  Now I'm being a good catcher,
      "Tomorrow"'s pitching on the team, and I'm catching.
Bud:  Yes.
Lou:  "Tomorrow" throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.
Bud:  Yes.
Lou:  Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher --
      I want to throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up
      the ball and throw it to who?
Bud:  Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Lou:  I don't even know what i'm talking about!!!!!
Bud:  Well, that's all you have to do.
Lou:  Is to throw it to first base?
Bud:  Yes.
Lou:  Now who's got it?
Bud:  Naturally.
Lou:  Who has it?
Bud:  Naturally.
Lou:  "Naturally."
Bud:  Naturally.
Lou:  Okay.
Bud:  Now you've got it.
Lou:  I pick up the ball and I throw it to "Naturally."
Bud:  No you don't, you throw the ball to first base.
Lou:  Then who gets it?
Bud:  Naturally.
Lou:  Okay.
Bud:  All right.
Lou:  I throw the ball to "Naturally."
Bud:  You don't.  You throw it to "Who."
Lou:  "Naturally."
Bud:  Well, naturally.  Say it that way.
Lou:  That's what I said.
Bud:  You did not.
Lou:  I said I'd throw the ball to "Naturally."
Bud:  You don't.  You throw it to "Who."
Lou:  "Naturally."
Bud:  Yes.
Lou:  So I throw the ball to first base and "Naturally" gets it.
Bud:  No.  You throw the ball to first base --
Lou:  Then who gets it?
Bud:  Naturally.
Lou:  That's what I'm saying.
Bud:  You're not saying that.
Lou:  I throw the ball to "Naturally."
Bud:  You throw it to "Who"!
Lou:  "Naturally."
Bud:  Naturally.  Well say it that way.
Lou:  That's what I'm saying!!!
Bud:  Now don't get excited.
Lou:  Who's gettin' excited? I throw the the ball to first base --
Bud:  Then "Who" gets it.
Lou:  (annoyed)  He better get it!!
Bud:  That's it.  All right now, take it easy.
Lou:  Hrmmph.
Bud:  Hrmmph.
Lou:  Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever-it-is
      grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second.
Bud:  Uh-huh.
Lou:  "Who" picks up the ball and throws it to "What."
      "What" throws it to "I Don't Know."  "I Don't Know"
      throws it back to "Tomorrow" - a triple play.
Bud:  Yeah.  It could be.
Lou:  Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to
      center.  Why?  I don't know, he's on third, and I
      don't give a darn.
Bud:  What did you say?
Lou:  I said "I don't give a darn."
Bud:  Oh, that's our shortstop!
Lou:  Abbott!
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