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Subj:     Baseball Jokes
                 (Includes 75 jokes and articles, 05 1012,13,cf,wYT3,9)

          Click "Here" for Baseball-Supp
 


Ball ? Bat from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  There's No Crying In Baseball - Video (S1012 in Supp)
.........................MadBum Impersonations - Video (S931 in Supp)
.........................FreeD Technology At Yankee Stadium - Video (S865 in Supp)
.........................Two Baseball Buddies And Heaven (S78, S385b in Supp)
.........................B.C. Comic Strip (714b in Supp)
........................."Who's On First?", The Sequel - Video (S838 in Supp)
.........................Ballplayer's Amazing Wall-Climbing Catch - Vid (S708b-Sup)
.........................Cooperation (S716b in Supp)
.........................B.C. Comic Strip II (S743 in Supp)
.........................Fordham Baseball Player Goes Airborn - Video (S692 - Supp)
.........................Baseball Explained (S611c in Supp)
.........................Ken Griffey Jr. And Sr. Making Catches - Video (S861-Supp)
.........................
.........................Charley Brown Preparing For Baseball - Video (S950)
.........................Rick Monday's Greatest Play - Video (S549b)
.........................Out By A Hare
........................."Who's On First"
........................."Who's On First" - Radio Broadcast (S499c)
.........................Greatest Hitter In The World (S269, S688)
.........................Giants Vs Dodgers Drawing (S919)
.........................Tale of a Sport's Mom (S173)
.........................Bronx Hospitality
.........................A Softball Homerun - Video (S593)
.........................Since The Cubs Won The World Series (S357)
.........................Queen Of England Watches Baseball
.........................The Ballgirl - Video (S597c)
.........................The Ballgirl Video Is A Fake (S598)
.........................Three Baseball Fans And A Nude Body (S37)
.........................Standardized Guide To Sex As Baseball (S42)
.........................Adam Bender Plays Baseball - Video (S610)
.........................Bill And Hillary At A Baseball Game (S449)
.........................A Baseball Riddle (S263, S575c)
.........................The Real History Of Baseball - Video (S998)
.........................Great Baseball Quotes
..............................Quotes By Yogi Berra (S310, S831)
..............................Dave Barry On Baseball And Women (S452b)
..............................Great Athletic Quotes (S114)
                         Short Baseball Jokes
..............................Baseball Bat Fluke - Video (S750 in Supp)
..............................Bumgarner's Grand Slam - Video (S897 in Supp)
..............................Uncle Art's Funland (S646b in Supp)
..............................Amazing Japanese Pitch - Video (S735 in Supp)
..............................Popsicle Stick Riddle (S826 in Supp)
..............................
..............................Barry Bonds Political Cartoon (S550)
..............................How To Diaper A Baby (S544b)
..............................Time Spent With Dad (S456)
..............................Three Old Ladies Get Drunk At A Game (S427b)
..............................Wee Pals Comic (S371)
..............................Bidding On Gum (S271)
..............................Little League Baseball (S213, S751)

Also see DOG2 file    - 'Mother Goose And Grimm II - Cartoon
         HANDICAPPED  - 'Shay Plays Baseball'
         HAND-SUPP    - '2011 Beep Baseball World Series' - Video
         HELL file    - 'Farmer Goes To Hell And Likes It'
         MATH4 file   - 'Baseball Logic Problem'
         MUSIC file   - 'Beethoven's Ninth'
         PRIEST1 file - 'Unfaithful Wife's Son Wants Money'
         RIDDLE-SUPP  - 'Explain This Riddle'
         SCOTTISH     - 'Scotsman Attends Baseball Game'
         THOUGHTS-KIDS- 'The Failure List'

============================================================Top
Subj:     Charley Brown Preparing For Baseball (S950d)
          From: Joan Lamb on Facebook
 Source2: https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=932952750088815
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.......
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.......Click 'HERE' to see this short, cute video clip.
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Top
Subj:     Rick Monday's Greatest Play (S549b,d)
          From: rfslick on 7/16/2007
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/IrV8QPQAhxo

 It's April 25,1976.  The Cubs are at Dodger Stadium.  Rick
 Monday is in center field, and Tommy Lasorda is the third
 base coach.  Professional baseball has chosen this play
 as one of the top one hundred plays in baseball history.
 Click 'HERE' to see this play.

Top
Subj:     Out By A Hare

 This story was related by a baseball announcer, who
 attributed it to Honus Wagner.

 Way back when Honus played, they didn't have stadium lights
 and when it got dark, you couldn't see what you were doing
 very well.  One time, he was playing in the outfield and the
 ball was hit his way, but he just lost it in the darkness.
 Fortunately, a rabbit was running by at the time and he
 grabbed it and threw it to first for the out.

 This was the very first time anyone was ever thrown out by a
 hare.

Top
Subj:     "Who's On First" (d)
..........A Sketch by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello
..........(See 'Abbott And Costello 13 X 7 is 28' - Video in Math2)
...........and 'Johnny Carson As Ronald Reagan' in Movies2
...........and 'Bush Does "Who's on first?"' in POLIT-BUSH
...........and 'Abbot Teaches Costello About Computers' in QUOTES-COMED
...........and 'Pearls Before Swine Sunday Comic Strip' in MUSIC)
 Picture from Vintage Radio Shows.com

 To read this Abbott and Costello sketch on my web site,
 click 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     "Who's On First" - Radio Broadcast (S499c)
          (A Sketch by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello)
           From: baseball-almanac.com on 8/12/2006
 Source1: http://www.phoenix5.org/humor/WhoOnFirst.html
 Source2: http://www.phoenix5.org/humor/WhosOnFirstAudio.mp3
 
Picture from
Abbott And Costello Quarterly

 To listen to this 5 minute broadcast click 'HERE'.
 

         From: RadioLovers.com on 8/12/2006
 Source: (Removed from radiocrazy.com)

 To listen to the full 30 minute (5,300 KB) broadcast on my
 site click 'HERE'.

 The "Who's On First" routine is at the end of the broadcast,
 which also contains many old commercials.  If you only
 want to hear this famous routine, move the round nob to
 the last one-fourth of the broadcast.

 Little known fact: They were the first non-baseball playing
 celebrities to be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame.
 They were inducted in 1957.

Top
Subj:     Greatest Hitter In The World (S269, S688)
          From: twistedhumor.com on 03/24/02
          Thanks Gayle for the joke.

 A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted
 through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a
 ball and bat.  "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he
 announced.

 Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

 "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and
 said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"  He tossed
 the ball into the air.

 When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he
 cried.

 The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball
 carefully.  He spit on his hands and rubbed them together.

 He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest
 hitter in the world!"  Again he tossed the ball up in the air
 and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"

 "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest PITCHER in the world!"

Top
Subj:     Giants Vs Dodgers Drawing (S919)
          Drawn by Blanchard in 2009
          From: Dan Seeman on Facebook
 Source: (Removed from facebook.com/photo)
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Top
Subj:     Tale of a Sport's Mom (S173)
          From: RFSlick on 5/14/00

 It's a chilly Saturday in May.  I could be home sweeping
 cobwebs from the corners of the living room or curled up on
 the couch with a good mystery.  Instead I'm sitting on a cold
 metal bench in the stands of a baseball park in Kirkland,
 Washington.  An icy wind creeps through my heavy winter jacket.
 I blow on my hands, wishing I'd brought my woolen mittens.

 "Mrs. Bodmer?"  It's the coach my son Matthew admires so
 much that he gave up soda pop to impress him with his fitness.
 "I'm starting your son today in right field.  He's worked hard
 this year and I think he deserves the opportunity."

 "Thanks," I say, feeling proud of my son who has given
 this man and this team everything he has.  I know how badly
 he wants this.  I'm glad his hard work is being rewarded.

 Suddenly I'm nervous for him as the team members, in their
 white pinstriped uniforms, trot onto the field.  I search
 for my son's number.  It isn't there.  Instead, Eddie, the
 most inexperienced player on the team, takes right field.  I
 look again, unbelieving.  How can that be?

 I want to run over and ask the coach what's going on, but I
 know Matthew wouldn't like that.  I've learned the proper
 etiquette for moms;  talking to the coach is not acceptable
 unless he initiates it.

 My son, gripping the chain-link fence in front of the dugout,
 is yelling encouragement to his teammates.  I try to read his
 expression, but I know he, like most males, has learned to
 hide his feelings.  My heart breaks because he has worked so
 hard and received so much disappointment.  I don't understand
 what drives boys to put themselves through  this.

 "Atta Boy, Eddie," yells the right-fielder's father, proud
 that his son is starting.  I've seen this same man walk out
 of games in disgust when his son dropped a ball or made a bad
 throw.  But for now, he is proud of his son, who is starting,
 while my son is on the bench.

 By the fourth inning my fingers are stiff from the cold and
 my feet are numb, but I don't care.  Matthew has been called
 into the game.  He stands, chooses a batting helmet, picks up
 a bat and struts out to the plate.  I grip the metal seat.
 He takes a couple of practice swings.  The pitcher looks like
 an adult.  I wonder if anyone has checked his birth certificate.

 Strike one.  "Nice swing!" I yell.  The next pitch is a ball.
 "Good eye!  Good eye!"  Strike two.  I pray.  I cross my
 fingers.  The pitcher winds up.  I hold my breath. Strike three.
 My son's head hangs, and he slowly walks back to the dugout.  I
 wish with all my heart I could help.  But I know there's nothing
 I can do.

 For eight years I've been sitting here.  I've drunk gallons of
 terrible coffee, eaten tons of green hot dogs and salty popcorn.
 I've endured cold and heat, wind and rain.

 Some people may wonder why a sane person would go through this.
 It's not because I want to fulfill my dream of excelling at
 sports through my kids.  I also don't do this for the emotional
 highs.     Of, yes, I've had some.  I've seen my two sons score
 winning goals in soccer, hit home runs in baseball, and spark
 come-from-behind wins in basketball.  I've seen them make some
 incredible leaping catches in football.  But mostly I've seen
 heartache.

 I've waited with them for that phone call telling them they'd
 made the team.  The call that never came.  I've watched coaches
 yell at them.  I've watched them sit on the bench game after
 game.  I've sat in emergency rooms as broken bones were set
 and swollen ankles x-rayed.  I've sat here year after year,
 observing it all and wondering why.

 The game ends.  I stretch my legs and try to stomp life back
 into my frozen feet.  The coach meets with the team.  They
 yell some rallying cry and then descend on their parents.  I
 notice Eddie's dad has big grin and is slapping his son on
 the back.  Matthew wants to get a hamburger.  While I wait
 for him, the coach approaches me.  I can't bring myself to
 look at him.

 "Mrs. Bodmer, I want you to know that's a fine young man you
 have there."  I wait for him to explain why he broke my son's
 heart.

 "When I told your son he could start, he thanked me and turned
 me down.  He told me to let Eddie start, that it meant more to
 him."

 I turn to watch my son stuffing his burger into his mouth.  I
 realize then why I sit in the stands.  Where else can I watch
 my son grow into a man?"

 By Judy Bodmer
 from Chicken Soup for the Mother's Soul
 Copyright 1997 Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Jennifer
    Read Hawthorne, and Ron Marci Shimoff

Top
Subj:     Bronx Hospitality
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/1/99

 Jose lived in San Juan, and all he ever wanted was to see a
 baseball game in Yankee Stadium.  Jose loved baseball, he
 loved the Yankees.

 He worked and saved and at long last bought a ticket, took a
 plane, but when he got to Yankee Stadium, it was all sold out.
 Not a seat to be had.  Jose pleaded, touched the heart of the
 ticket office and they found him a seat way out in the bleachers
 behind the flagpole.

 Jose saw his baseball game and went back to Puerto Rico, flying
 so high he almost didn't need a plane.

 "Well, Jose," they asked when he returned, "how was it?"

 Jose raved.  The Stadium, the game, the Yankees...  And most of
 all the fans, so friendly, so concerned about him that before
 the game they all stood up and turned to him and sang, "Jose?
 Can you see?"

Top
Subj:     A Softball Homerun (S593d)
          From: rfslick on 6/4/2008
 Source: https://www.youtube.com/embed/xVlKtI7yd_s

 This video is of one of the most touching moments in sports
 history.  Sara Tucholsky of Western Oregon is up to bat
 against Central Washington. Sara hits her first ever homerun,
 but tears a ligament rounding first.   The umpire stated that
 if her teammates or coaches assisted her she will be declared
 out and if a pinch runner is substituted for her, her homerun
 will be declared a single.  This event won a 2008 ESPY as
 "Best Moment" for its example of great sportsmanship.

 You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Since The Cubs Won The World Series (S357)
          From: RFSlick on 11/16/2003

 Just in case we need to remember how bad it can be... here
 are 20 major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs
 last laid claim to a World Series Championship:

  1. Radio was invented. _(Cubs fans get to hear their team lose)

  2. TV was invented. _(Cubs fans get to see their team lose)

  3. Baseball added 14 teams. _(Cubs fans get to see and hear
     their team lose to more clubs)

  4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th,
     60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.

  5. Halley's comet passed Earth - twice.

  6. Harry Caray was born... and died. _Incredible, but true!

  7. The NBA, NHL, NFL, IHL, and ISL were formed. (Each of
     those Chicago teams have each won championships)

  8. Man landed on the moon. (As have several home runs given
     up by Cubs pitchers)

  9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.

 10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.

 11. Prohibition was created and repealed.

 12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered,
     and became the subject of major motion pictures.  The
     latter giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes
     on the bottom can come out on top.

 13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in
     the National League.

 14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold
     all of the team's future World Series pennants. (Those
     flag poles have since rusted and been taken down)

 15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympic games have
     been held.

 16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown.
     (Several thanked Cubs pitchers)

 17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style,
     and came back in.

 18. The Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, Arizona Diamondbacks
     and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.

 19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games.
     (They lost the majority of them)

 20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma, and New Mexico were
     added to the Union.

Top
Subj:     Queen Of England Watches Baseball
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #30

 (Also see 'Scotsman Attends Baseball Game' in SCOTTISH)

 The Queen of England visited America and decided to take
 in one of America's favorite past-times, baseball.  So she
 and her attendants went to a game.  A man in the row in
 front of her had obviously been enjoying the game in fine
 style - read: was half drunk and getting loud.  A batter
 swings and connects with the pitch and the guy jumps up,
 spilling beer, and shouts, "Run you bastard, RUN!"

 "Oh," the Queen says as she blushes and flusters.

 "It's OK," says one of her attendants, "cheering the players
 is part of the game."  The next batter gets up there and
 takes four pitches without moving his bat.  He throws the
 bat down and starts off in a trot towards first base.  The
 Queen jumps out of her chair, spilling Coke, and shouts
 (British accent required:), "Run, you bastard, RUN!!"

 The guy in front of her turns around and says, through a
 half-chewed pretzel,  "Lady, he's got four balls..... "

 "Oh," stammers the Queen, then shouts, "Walk proudly, sir!
 WALK PROUDLY!"

Top
Subj:     The Ballgirl (S597c,d)
          From: tom on 6/23/2008
 Source1: https://www.youtube.com/embed/4SqJz0NgnnE
 Source2: http://www.snopes.com/photos/advertisements/ballgirl.asp

 This is part of a commercial for Gatorade sports drink
 which was never aired on TV.  There is no mention of
 Gatorade in the video, though there is a bottle by the
 chair where the ball girl sits near the end of the clip.
 Click 'HERE' to view this amazing catch.

Top
Subj:     The Ballgirl Video Is A Fake (S598)
          From: Chris on 7/12/2008

 In the above video of a ballgirl making an amazing catch,
 it is fake footage.  The footage is a shelved commercial
 for Gatorade sports drink.  Gatorade ended its association
 with the agency that created the ad, Element 79, shortly
 after the video was completed and shelved the campaign.

 "We were not planning to release the ball girl video,"
 [Gatorade spokeswoman Jill] Kinney said.  "However, now
 that it's out there, we're thrilled with the response it's
 getting."

 Kinney said Gatorade doesn't know who posted the video,
 and Element 79 said on its website that it had nothing to
 do with posting the video.

 There is no mention of Gatorade in the video, though there
 is a bottle by the chair where the ball girl sits near the
 end of the clip.  And Gatorade has clearly become associated
 with it, to the company's delight.

 http://www.snopes.com/photos/advertisements/ballgirl.asp

 Chris, again thank your for spotting this fake video.

Top
Subj:     Three Baseball Fans And A Nude Body (S37)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #200 on 97-10-03

 Three guys are leaving a ball game, and while going to their
 parked car down an alley, spot a naked woman lying on the
 ground, face up.

 Going over to her, they discover that she is dead.  Modestly,
 the first fan puts his Orioles cap over her left breast, while
 the second fan puts his Red Sox cap over the right breast.
 Finally, the last fan puts his Yankees cap over her pussy.

 Eventually, they find a cop to inform him.  Together, they
 walk back to the body, and the cop examines her.  Quickly
 he looks under the Orioles and Sox caps, then under the
 Yankees cap. He makes some notes, then goes back again, and
 again, to look under the Yankees cap.

 One of the fans asks the cop what he's doing.

 The cop responds, "It's been a long time since I've seen
 anything but an Asshole under a Yankeees cap!"

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #201 on 97-10-09
Heard variations of this one.

 In one case an army officer finds the naked woman, takes
 off his hat and covers her pussy with it, and then calls
 the MPs.  The MP is an enlisted man, and the first thing
 he does is lift the hat.  The officer asks him just what
 he thinks he's doing.  Scratching his head, the MP replies,
 "Well, sir, this is the first time I've seen an officer's
 hat without a prick underneath!"

Top
Subj:     Standardized Guide To Sex As Baseball (S42)
          From: Daemonic Funnies Page

 Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school?  If
 so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your
 friends?

 "Yeah man, at the dance, Vinny and Amy went behind the gym
 and they got to second base!"

 Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second
 base?  Tongue kissing?  Up the shirt?  No one was really
 sure.  Also, the bases tended to get progressively more
 intense as you got older.  What's a person to do?

 Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to
 describe sexual activity.  But let's face it, there are
 more than four stages in todays day and age of sex play.
 So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex meta-
 phors in line with the complications of modern romance
 and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standard-
 ized Guide to the Bases.

 First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in
 the old days.

 --First Base-  This was almost always kissing, although
 one guy I know thought it meant holding hands.  Sometimes
 it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.

 --Second Base-  Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast
 feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.

 --Third Base-  Usually this was a hand down the pants of you
 or your partner.

 --Home Run-  This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely
 reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms
 of bases. And if it was, EVERYONE knew!

 Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a
 repressed sex drive.  But what happens when you reach
 maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral
 sex?  (a.k.a. sloppy third)  And what about the exact
 definitions?  Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling
 questions and present without further ado...

 Standardized Guide to the Bases!

 --On Deck-  Having plans for a date

 --Strike-Out-  Duh!!

 --Walk-  Kissing

 --Bunt-  Masturbation

 --Single-  Tongue kissing

 --Double-  Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots
   of grabbing and feels

 --Triple-  Most of the clothes off, genital contact,
   mutual masturbation

 --Inside the park home run-  Oral Sex

 --Home Run- SEX!!!

 --Ground Rule Double-  would have sex, but no condom

 --Error-  Condom breaks during sex

 --Banned for life for gambling-  sex without condom

 --Hall of Fame-  Marriage

 Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms
 to better explain all the things that can happen now a days.

 --Balk-  Premature ejaculation

 --Pine Tar- KY jelly

 --Relief pitcher-  Vibrator

 --Rain Delay-  parents/roommate return home unexpectedly

 --Box Seats-  Waterbed

 --Seventh Inning Stretch-  Unusual positions

 --Dead Ball-  Blue balls / passion cramps

 --Florida Snow-  Cocaine  (I know you don't get it...tough.)

 --Rookie-  Virgin

 --Minor Leagues-  Under 18

 --Loaded Bases-  manage a trois

 --Grand Slam-  Sex three times in twelve hours

 --Foul tip-  VD

 --Three up and three down-  impotency

 --"All you"-  Make the first move

 --Batting Glove-  Sexual aide

 Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the
 old confusion with current clarity.

 OLD WAY- we um got to third base i guess and then we um got
 like past third base, but not to home plate.  i really like
 her.

 NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got an inside
 the park home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame
 time.

 NEW WAY- So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out,
 when i balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to
 call in a relief pitcher.

Top
Subj:     Adam Bender Plays Baseball (S610d)
          From: tom on 9/18/2008
 Source1: http://www.heraldleaderphoto.com/2008/05/31/adam-bender/
 Source2: http://www.youtube.com/embed/-UdPBPGqt88

 Adam Bender, 8, is one of several kids who plays catcher in
 Southeastern's rookie league at Veterans Park.  What makes
 Adam stand out is that he plays one of the toughest positions
 on the field with only one leg.  Because of cancer, he had
 his left leg amputated when he was one.  Adam doesn't use a
 prosthesis, and only uses crutches when he reaches base for
 the Astros.  You can view a video of Adam playing baseball
 by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Bill And Hillary At A Baseball Game (S449)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 8/25/2005

 Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a Red Sox-Yankees baseball
 game a few years ago.  They were sitting in the first row,
 with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

 One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers
 something to Bill.  At first, Clinton stares at the guy,
 looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his
 head "no".

 The agent then says, "Mr.  President, it was an unanimous
 request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to
 the bat boy."

 Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the
 agent tells him the fans would love it!

 Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay!
 If that is what the people want.  C'mere Hilly baby..."

 With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and
 the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right
 over the wall onto the field.

 She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming,

 "Bill you "!^$#@?!".

 The crowd goes absolutely wild.  Fans are jumping up ? down,
 cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving.  Bill is
 bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.

 He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that!

 I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy
 that!"

 Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is
 wrong.

 The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out
 the first Pitch!"

Top
Subj:     A Baseball Riddle (S263, S575c)
          From: mbucher on 1/28/2002

 This riddle concerns three elderly ladies, a large bottle
 of Jack Daniels, and a baseball game.  You get to be the
 detective.

 The three ladies went to their first baseball game.  This
 was something that was an occasion of great excitement to
 them.  To add to the excitement, they smuggled a bottle
 of booze into the game, and started immediately to enhance
 the soft drinks they bought.  It was a good game.

 There was a lot of action on the field and a lot of action
 in the stands.  All too soon, long before the game was over,
 the bottle was nearly empty  and one lady was passed out in
 her seat.

 By now, you should have enough information to be able to
 tell how far along the game is, and what the status of the
 game is.

 Don't scroll down until you have an answer.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 It's the bottom of the fifth, the bags are loaded, and
 there's one out.

Top
Subj:     The Real History Of Baseball (S998d)
          From: Sean Triplet on Facebook on 2/25/2016
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/H8gGXAOkbfI
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.........Click 'HERE' to see this Adam Sandler skit.
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Subj:     Great Baseball Quotes
          from Long Beach Independent Press-Telegram on 03/22/89

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Subj:     Quotes By Yogi Berra (S310, S831)
         From: pns on 1/6/2003
      and From: tom on 12/14/2012

 Lawrence Peter Berra played Major League Baseball for 19 years
 for the New York Yankees.  He played on 10 World Series Champ-
 ionship teams, is a MLB Hall of Famer and has some awe-inspiring 
 stats.  His name is consistently brought up as one of the best
 catchers in baseball history, and he was voted to the Team of
 the Century in 1999.

 Amazing accomplishments aside, they probably aren't how you know
 Lawrence.  You know him as Yogi, a nickname given to him by a
 friend who likened his cross-legged sitting to a yogi.  Yogi is
 famous for his fractured English, malapropisms and sometimes
 nonsensical quotes called Yogi-isms.  He's closing in on 86,
 and there seems to be no end to his fan's love for him.

 Here are 25 Yogi-isms that will make you shake your head and smile.

  1. "It's like deja vu all over again."
  2. "We made too many wrong mistakes."
  3. "You can observe a lot just by watching."
  4. "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
  5. "Mantle can hit just as good right-handed as he can
     left-handed. He's just naturally amphibious."
  6. "If the world was perfect, it wouldn't be."
  7. "If you don't know where you're going,
     you might end up some place else."
  8. Responding to a question about remarks attributed to him
     that he did not think were his:
     "I really didn't say everything I said."
  9. "The future ain't what it use to be."
 10. "I think Little League is wonderful.
     It keeps the kids out of the house."
 11. On why he no longer went to Ruggeri's, a St. Louis restaurant:
     "Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded."
 12. "I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."
 13. "We have deep depth."
 14. "All pitchers are liars or crybabies."
 15. When giving directions to Joe Garagiola to his 
     New Jersey home, which is accessible by two routes:
     "When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
 16. "Always go to other people's funerals,
     otherwise they won't come to yours."
 17. "Never answer anonymous letters."
 18. On being the guest of honor at an awards banquet:
     "Thank you for making this day necessary."
 19. "The towels were so thick there
     I could hardly close my suitcase."
 20. "Half the lies they tell about me aren't true."
 21. As a general comment on baseball:
     "90% of the game is half mental."
 22. "I don't know (if they were men or women running
     naked across the field), they had bags over their heads."
 23. "It gets late early out there."
 24. Carmen Berra, Yogi's wife asked: "Yogi, you are from St. Louis,
     we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York.
     If you go before I do, where would you like me to have
     you buried?"  Yogi's answer: "Surprise me."
 25. And his most famous quote of all. . .
     "It ain't over till it's over."

 And here are nineteen more Yogi-isms.

 When watching a Steve McQueen movie on TV: "He must have
 made that before he died."

 "If people don't want to come out to the ball park,
 nobody's gonna stop 'em."

 "There's nothing like a home opener, whether it's at home
 or on the road."

 After a poor game: "I think they just got through
 marinating the greens."

 When asked what time it is: "Do you mean now?"

 "I usually take a two hour nap from one to four."

 Testifying before a grand jury about a New York Yankees'
 brawl in a nightclub: "Nobody did nothin' to nobody."

 "I am going to buy a Volkswagen or a foreign car."

 New York mayor Lindsay's wife, on a hot day: "You look
 nice and cool, Yogi." Yogi: "You don't look so hot yourself."

 For a spring training drill, Yogi instructed his players
 to "Pair off in threes."

 Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
 Yogi: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."

 After a waitress asked if Yogi wanted his pizza cut into
 four or eight slices: "Four, I don't think I can eat eight."

 Yogi used to work with the Yoo-Hoo soft drink company.  A
 woman once called and asked if Yoo-Hoo was hyphenated.  Yogi
 said, "No, ma'am, it's not even carbonated."

 After attending an opera, Yogi mentioned that he liked it,
 and added, "Even the music was nice."

 "I never really said all those things I said."

 Yogi's son, Dale: "The similarities between me and my
 father are different."

 Because it gets late early., on why it's so tough to play
 left field in Yankee stadium.

From: LABLaughs@LABLaughs.com on 7/28/2002 (s287b)
 You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going,
 because you might not get there.  -- Yogi Berra

From: Anonymous Jr. on 2/18/2008 (S632b)
 "If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up
  somewhere else."  -- Yogi Berra
 


Subj:     Dave Barry On Baseball And Women (S452b)

 It's a weird scene.  You win a few baseball games and all
 of a sudden, you're surrounded by reporters an TV men with
 cameras asking you about Vietnam and race relations.
   -- Vida Blue, 1971

 Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second
 base, where the maximum possible number of males can get
 there on short notice to help out in case of emergency.  As
 far as I can tell, our second base woman is a pretty good
 baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no
 way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near
 her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to
 deal with it.  She's been on the team for three seasons
 now, but the males still don't trust her.  They know, deep
 in their souls, that if she had to choose between catching
 a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would
 elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering
 whether there were men on base.  - Dave Barry, "Sports Is A Drag"

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 9/26/2005 (S452b)
 "What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be
 desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and
 sometimes, just to be held.  What Men Want: Tickets for the
 world series."  -- Dave Barry
 

 I watch a lot of baseball on the radio.  --  Gerald Ford, 1978

 It's a beautiful day for a night game.  --  Announcer Frankie Frisch

 The most important things in life are good friends and a
 strong bull pen.  -- Pitcher Bob Lemon, 1981 -

 Well, that kind of puts a damper on another Yankees win.
   --  Announcer Phil Rizzuto, after a news bulletin reporting
       the death of Pope Paul VI, 1978

 It was too bad I wasn't a second baseman; then I'd probably
 have seen a lot more of my husband.  --  Karolyn Rose, ex-wife
 of Pete Rose, 1981
 

 Casey Stengel Quotes
 Being with a woman never hurt no professional baseball player.
    It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.
 If you hit a home run, you can take your time running the bases.
 The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from
    the guys who are undecided.

 They brought me up with the Brooklyn Dodgers, which at time was
 in Brooklyn  --  Casey Stengel, 1962

 I won't play for a penny less than $1500.
   --  Honus Wagner, turning down an offer of $2000

From: the Humor Box 03/18/97
 "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."  -- Dizzy Dean
  explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a
  ball in the 1934 World Series.

From: vcar.lew on 98-09-01
 "Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him
 spit.  That's why you should never date a baseball player."
   -- Marsha Warfield

From: Tom_Adams on 98-12-12 (S99)
 We are anxiously awaiting the death of Joe DiMaggio but just
 as the cold hands of death seem to wrap its hands around him,
 he recovers.  It's like he's fouling off some pitches!

 If God can't get him out, who can?

 Javier

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Subj:     Great Athletic Quotes (S114)
          From: RFSlick on 3/14/99
 1981 - Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what
 terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela
 might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations:
 "He wants Texas back."

From: RFSlick on 5/31/99
 Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A?M, recounting
 what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
 "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on
 one subject." (1987)

From: Cypriot on 5/3/2002 (S274c)
 Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
   "I wan all them kids to do what I do, to look up to me.
    I wan all the kids to copulate me."

From: KMACINTY on 8/13/2002 (S289b)
 "Half this game is ninety percent mental."
   -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
 


Subj:     Short Baseball Jokes

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Subj:     Barry Bonds Political Cartoon (S550)
          From: Con and Forkum on 7/29/2007
Picture from Cox and Forkum
 Source: http://www.coxandforkum.com/archives/2007_07.html
 This political cartoon is well done and great.  You
 can view it by clicking 'HERE'.
 

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Subj:     How To Diaper A Baby (S544b)
          From: Joke-of-the-Day.com on 6/16/2007
 "Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you
 at bat.  Then fold second base down to home and set the
 baby on the pitcher's mound.  Put first base and third
 together, bring up home plate and pin the three together.
 Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and
 start all over again."
   -- Jimmy Piersal, on how to diaper a baby, 1968
 

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Subj:     Time Spent With Dad (S456)
          From: darrell94590 on 10/16/2005
 To view this cute baseball story and picture click 'HERE'.
 

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Subj:     Three Old Ladies Get Drunk At A Game (S427b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 3/31/2005
 Q: Three old ladies snuck a bottle of Jack Daniels into a
    baseball game and were having a great time drinking and
    cheering, when all of a sudden they noticed the bottle
    was almost empty. What inning is it, and how many are on
    base?
 A: Bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.
 

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Subj:     Wee Pals Comic (S371)
          Author: Morrie Turner on 03/04/04
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/weepals
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Subj:     Bidding On Gum (S271)
          From: jerry on 4/10/2002
 People have bid for a wad of chewed up and spat out gum
 from Arizona Diamondback's baseball star Luis Gonzalez.
 Bidding ends April 15th but so far the bids have topped
 $3,200.  At least the money goes towards a good purpose -
 helping to build a new high school.

 Associated Press via Yahoo News 8-Apr-02
 

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Subj:     Little League Baseball (S213, S751)
          From: flovilla on 3/1/2001
      and From: tom on 6/2/2011
 As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch
 a local Little League baseball game that was being played
 in a park near my home.  As I sat down behind the bench
 on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the
 score was. "We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a
 smile.

 "Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very
 discouraged."

 "Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face.
 "Why should we be discouraged?   We haven't been up to bat
 yet."
 

Heard on Jay Leno:
 And here in L.A., there's talk of a teachers' strike.  You
 know, if they ever strike, here's what they should do:  The
 striking teachers and the striking baseball players should
 switch jobs.  You see, this way, the teachers would get paid
 what they deserve, and the players would get paid what they
 deserve.

 Baseball players do it for a lot of money.
 Baseball players do it in teams.
 Baseball players do it with their bats.
 Baseball players hit more home runs.
 Baseball players make it to first base.

 Confucius say that baseball very funny game; man can walk on 4 balls.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #164
 Cleveland Indians closer-extraordinaire Jose Mesa was recently
 acquitted of several sex-related crimes (rape, gross sexual
 imposition, etc.). Here's a joke that is currently making the
 rounds.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #4 on 98-01-04 (S306)
 Pete Rose is seeking readmission to baseball.  He's
 confident major league officials will OK his reentry.
 In fact, he's willing to bet on it.

 Why can't they have baseball stadiums in Poland?
 Everyone would be sitting behind a pole!  --  Peter G. Harwood

From: BawdyNet test part 3! on 98-03-01
 The only two days of the year in which there are no pro-
 fessional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day
 before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

 Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

 Bank robber John Dillinger played professional baseball.

 Q: What goes 97 miles an hour and smells like pussy?
 A: A Jose Mesa fastball.

 Q: What is the difference between baseball and law?
 A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

 Q: What do you get when you cross a tree with a baseball player?
 A: Babe Root.

 Q: What is a Yankee?
 A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

From: LABLaughsClean on 10/16/2008 (S614b)
 Q: Why don't grasshoppers go to baseball games?
 A: They prefer cricket!

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..........................From Smiley_Central.
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