baseball

Subj: Baseball Jokes
(Includes 73 jokes and articles, 25854n,10,cf,md4,7)

Click "Here" for Baseball-Supp

Also see HANDICAPPED - 'Shay Plays Baseball'
         HAND-SUPP    - '2011 Beep Baseball World Series' - Movie
         HELL file    - 'Farmer Goes To Hell And Likes It'
         MATH4 file   - 'Baseball Logic Problem'
         MUSIC file   - 'Beethoven's Ninth'
         PRIEST1 file - 'Unfaithful Wife's Son Wants Money'
         RIDDLE-SUPP - 'Explain This Riddle'
         SCOTTISH     - 'Scotsman Attends Baseball Game'
         THOUGHTS-KIDS- 'The Failure List'
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Subj:     Rick Monday's Greatest Play (S549b,d)
          From: rfslick on 7/16/2007
Baseball card from Old Baseball Cards...

Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrV8QPQAhxo

It's April 25,1976. The Cubs are at Dodger Stadium. Rick
Monday is in center field, and Tommy Lasorda is the third
base coach. Professional baseball has chosen this play
as one of the top one hundred plays in baseball history.
Click 'HERE' to see this play on my web site.

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Subj: Bill And Hillary At A Baseball Game (S449)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 8/25/2005

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a Red Sox-Yankees baseball
game a few years ago. They were sitting in the first row,
with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers
something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy,
looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his
head "no".

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was an unanimous
request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to
the bat boy."

Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the
agent tells him the fans would love it!

Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay!
If that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly baby..."

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and
the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right
over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming,

"Bill you "!^$#@?!".

The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up ? down,
cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is
bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.

He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that!

I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy
that!"

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is
wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out
the first Pitch!"

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Subj: Since The Cubs Won The World Series (S357)
From: RFSlick on 11/16/2003

Just in case we need to remember how bad it can be... here
are 20 major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs
last laid claim to a World Series Championship:

1. Radio was invented. _(Cubs fans get to hear their team lose)

2. TV was invented. _(Cubs fans get to see their team lose)

3. Baseball added 14 teams. _(Cubs fans get to see and hear
their team lose to more clubs)

4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th,
60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.

5. Halley's comet passed Earth - twice.

6. Harry Caray was born... and died. _Incredible, but true!

7. The NBA, NHL, NFL, IHL, and ISL were formed. (Each of
those Chicago teams have each won championships)

8. Man landed on the moon. (As have several home runs given
up by Cubs pitchers)

9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.

10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.

11. Prohibition was created and repealed.

12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered,
     and became the subject of major motion pictures. The
     latter giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes
     on the bottom can come out on top.

13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in
the National League.

14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold
all of the team's future World Series pennants. (Those
flag poles have since rusted and been taken down)

15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympic games have
been held.

16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown.
(Several thanked Cubs pitchers)

17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style,
and came back in.

18. The Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, Arizona Diamondbacks
and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.

19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games.
(They lost the majority of them)

20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma, and New Mexico were
added to the Union.

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Subj:     Greatest Hitter In The World (S269, S688)
          From: http://www.twistedhumor.com/ on 03/24/02
          Thanks for the site Gayle, it's a good one.

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted
through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a
ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he
announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and
said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed
the ball into the air.

When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he
cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball
carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together.

He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest
hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air
and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest PITCHER in the world!"

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Subj:     "Who's On First" (d)
          (A Sketch by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello)
          (See 'Abbott And Costello 13 X 7 is 28' - Movie in Math2)
           and 'Johnny Carson As Ronald Reagan' in Movies2
           and 'Bush Does "Who's on first?"' in POLIT-BUSH
           and 'Abbot Teaches Costello About Computers' in QUOTES-COMED)

Picture from Vintage Radio Shows.com

To read this Abbott and Costello sketch on my web site,
click 'HERE'.

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Subj:     "Who's On First" - Radio Broadcast (S499c)
          (A Sketch by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello)
           From: www.baseball-almanac.com on 8/12/2006
Source1: http://www.phoenix5.org/humor/WhoOnFirst.html
Source2: http://www.phoenix5.org/humor/WhosOnFirstAudio.mp3

Picture from
Abbott And Costello Quarterly

To listen to this 5 minute (400 KB) broadcast either click
on the source above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

From: RadioLovers.com on 8/12/2006
Source: http://www.radiocrazy.com/shows/A/AbbottCostello
........./ABCO47061824-22-m30m10sWhosOnFirst.mp3

To listen to the full 30 minute (5,300 KB) broadcast either
click on the source above, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

The "Who's On First" routine is at the end of the broadcast,
which also contains many old commercials. If you only
want to hear this famous routine, move the round nob to
the last one-fourth of the broadcast.

Little known fact: They were the first non-baseball playing
celebrities to be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame.
They were inducted in 1957.

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Subj: A Baseball Riddle (S263, S575c)
From: mbucher on 1/28/2002

This riddle concerns three elderly ladies, a large bottle
of Jack Daniels, and a baseball game. You get to be the
detective.

The three ladies went to their first baseball game. This
was something that was an occasion of great excitement to
them. To add to the excitement, they smuggled a bottle
of booze into the game, and started immediately to enhance
the soft drinks they bought. It was a good game.

There was a lot of action on the field and a lot of action
in the stands. All too soon, long before the game was over,
the bottle was nearly empty and one lady was passed out in
her seat.

By now, you should have enough information to be able to
tell how far along the game is, and what the status of the
game is.

Don't scroll down until you have an answer.

It's the bottom of the fifth, the bags are loaded, and
there's one out.

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Subj: Tale of a Sport's Mom (S173)
From: RFSlick on 5/14/00

It's a chilly Saturday in May. I could be home sweeping
cobwebs from the corners of the living room or curled up on
the couch with a good mystery. Instead I'm sitting on a cold
metal bench in the stands of a baseball park in Kirkland,
Washington. An icy wind creeps through my heavy winter jacket.
I blow on my hands, wishing I'd brought my woolen mittens.

"Mrs. Bodmer?" It's the coach my son Matthew admires so
much that he gave up soda pop to impress him with his fitness.
"I'm starting your son today in right field. He's worked hard
this year and I think he deserves the opportunity."

"Thanks," I say, feeling proud of my son who has given
this man and this team everything he has. I know how badly
he wants this. I'm glad his hard work is being rewarded.

Suddenly I'm nervous for him as the team members, in their
white pinstriped uniforms, trot onto the field. I search
for my son's number. It isn't there. Instead, Eddie, the
most inexperienced player on the team, takes right field. I
look again, unbelieving. How can that be?

I want to run over and ask the coach what's going on, but I
know Matthew wouldn't like that. I've learned the proper
etiquette for moms; talking to the coach is not acceptable
unless he initiates it.

My son, gripping the chain-link fence in front of the dugout,
is yelling encouragement to his teammates. I try to read his
expression, but I know he, like most males, has learned to
hide his feelings. My heart breaks because he has worked so
hard and received so much disappointment. I don't understand
what drives boys to put themselves through this.

"Atta Boy, Eddie," yells the right-fielder's father, proud
that his son is starting. I've seen this same man walk out
of games in disgust when his son dropped a ball or made a bad
throw. But for now, he is proud of his son, who is starting,
while my son is on the bench.

By the fourth inning my fingers are stiff from the cold and
my feet are numb, but I don't care. Matthew has been called
into the game. He stands, chooses a batting helmet, picks up
a bat and struts out to the plate. I grip the metal seat.
He takes a couple of practice swings. The pitcher looks like
an adult. I wonder if anyone has checked his birth certificate.

Strike one. "Nice swing!" I yell. The next pitch is a ball.
"Good eye! Good eye!" Strike two. I pray. I cross my
fingers. The pitcher winds up. I hold my breath. Strike three.
My son's head hangs, and he slowly walks back to the dugout. I
wish with all my heart I could help. But I know there's nothing
I can do.

For eight years I've been sitting here. I've drunk gallons of
terrible coffee, eaten tons of green hot dogs and salty popcorn.
I've endured cold and heat, wind and rain.

Some people may wonder why a sane person would go through this.
It's not because I want to fulfill my dream of excelling at
sports through my kids. I also don't do this for the emotional
highs. Of, yes, I've had some. I've seen my two sons score
winning goals in soccer, hit home runs in baseball, and spark
come-from-behind wins in basketball. I've seen them make some
incredible leaping catches in football. But mostly I've seen
heartache.

I've waited with them for that phone call telling them they'd
made the team. The call that never came. I've watched coaches
yell at them. I've watched them sit on the bench game after
game. I've sat in emergency rooms as broken bones were set
and swollen ankles x-rayed. I've sat here year after year,
observing it all and wondering why.

The game ends. I stretch my legs and try to stomp life back
into my frozen feet. The coach meets with the team. They
yell some rallying cry and then descend on their parents. I
notice Eddie's dad has big grin and is slapping his son on
the back. Matthew wants to get a hamburger. While I wait
for him, the coach approaches me. I can't bring myself to
look at him.

"Mrs. Bodmer, I want you to know that's a fine young man you
have there." I wait for him to explain why he broke my son's
heart.

"When I told your son he could start, he thanked me and turned
me down. He told me to let Eddie start, that it meant more to
him."

I turn to watch my son stuffing his burger into his mouth. I
realize then why I sit in the stands. Where else can I watch
my son grow into a man?"

By Judy Bodmer
from Chicken Soup for the Mother's Soul
Copyright 1997 Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Jennifer
Read Hawthorne, and Ron Marci Shimoff

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Subj: Bronx Hospitality
From: http://www.Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/1/99

Jose lived in San Juan, and all he ever wanted was to see a
baseball game in Yankee Stadium. Jose loved baseball, he
loved the Yankees.

He worked and saved and at long last bought a ticket, took a
plane, but when he got to Yankee Stadium, it was all sold out.
Not a seat to be had. Jose pleaded, touched the heart of the
ticket office and they found him a seat way out in the bleachers
behind the flagpole.

Jose saw his baseball game and went back to Puerto Rico, flying
so high he almost didn’t need a plane.

"Well, Jose," they asked when he returned, "how was it?"

Jose raved. The Stadium, the game, the Yankees... And most of
all the fans, so friendly, so concerned about him that before
the game they all stood up and turned to him and sang, "Jose?
Can you see?"

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Subj:     A Softball Homerun (S593d)
          From: rfslick
          on 6/4/2008

Source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xVlKtI7yd_s

This video is of one of the most touching moments in sports
history. Sara Tucholsky of Western Oregon is up to bat
against Central Washington. Sara hits her first ever homerun,
but tears a ligament rounding first. The umpire stated that
if her teammates or coaches assisted her she will be declared
out and if a pinch runner is substituted for her, her homerun
will be declared a single. This event won a 2008 ESPY as
"Best Moment" for its example of great sportsmanship.

You can view it at the above source, or on my web site by
clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Two Baseball Buddies And Heaven (S78, S385b)
         From: thebartend on 98-07-24
      and From: mrx on 6/8/2004

Two buddies Chris and John were two of the biggest baseball
fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Chris and
John discussed baseball history in the winter and they
pored over every box score during the season. They went to
60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first
would try to come back and tell the other if there was
baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Chris passed away in his sleep after
watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died
happy. A few nights later, his buddy John awoke to the
sound of Chris's voice from beyond. "Chris is that you?"
John asked.

"Of course it me," Chris replied.

"This is unbelievable!" John exclaimed. "So tell me, is
there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you.
Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in
heaven, John."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the
bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

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Subj: Out By A Hare

This story was related by a baseball announcer, who
attributed it to Honus Wagner.

Way back when Honus played, they didn't have stadium lights
and when it got dark, you couldn't see what you were doing
very well. One time, he was playing in the outfield and the
ball was hit his way, but he just lost it in the darkness.
Fortunately, a rabbit was running by at the time and he
grabbed it and threw it to first for the out.

This was the very first time anyone was ever thrown out by a
hare.

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Subj:     Queen Of England Watches Baseball
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #30
          (Also see 'Scotsman Attends Baseball Game' in SCOTTISH)

The Queen of England visited America and decided to take
in one of America's favorite past-times, baseball. So she
and her attendants went to a game. A man in the row in
front of her had obviously been enjoying the game in fine
style - read: was half drunk and getting loud. A batter
swings and connects with the pitch and the guy jumps up,
spilling beer, and shouts, "Run you bastard, RUN!"

"Oh," the Queen says as she blushes and flusters.

"It's OK," says one of her attendants, "cheering the players
is part of the game." The next batter gets up there and
takes four pitches without moving his bat. He throws the
bat down and starts off in a trot towards first base. The
Queen jumps out of her chair, spilling Coke, and shouts
(British accent required:), "Run, you bastard, RUN!!"

The guy in front of her turns around and says, through a
half-chewed pretzel, "Lady, he's got four balls..... "

"Oh," stammers the Queen, then shouts, "Walk proudly, sir!
WALK PROUDLY!"

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Subj:     The Ballgirl (S597c,d)
          From: tom
          on 6/23/2008

Source1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4SqJz0NgnnE
Source2: http://www.snopes.com/photos/advertisements/ballgirl.asp

This is part of a commercial for Gatorade sports drink
which was never aired on TV. There is no mention of
Gatorade in the video, though there is a bottle by the
chair where the ball girl sits near the end of the clip.
Click on the top source, or 'HERE' for my copy to view
this amazing catch.

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Subj: The Ballgirl Video Is A Fake (S598)
From: Chris on 7/12/2008

In the above video of a ballgirl making an amazing catch,
it is fake footage. The footage is a shelved commercial
for Gatorade sports drink. Gatorade ended its association
with the agency that created the ad, Element 79, shortly
after the video was completed and shelved the campaign.

"We were not planning to release the ball girl video,"
[Gatorade spokeswoman Jill] Kinney said. "However, now
that it's out there, we're thrilled with the response it's
getting."

Kinney said Gatorade doesn't know who posted the video,
and Element 79 said on its website that it had nothing to
do with posting the video.

There is no mention of Gatorade in the video, though there
is a bottle by the chair where the ball girl sits near the
end of the clip. And Gatorade has clearly become associated
with it, to the company's delight.

http://www.snopes.com/photos/advertisements/ballgirl.asp

Chris, again thank your for spotting this fake video.

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Subj: Three Baseball Fans And A Nude Body (S37)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #200 on 97-10-03

Three guys are leaving a ball game, and while going to their
parked car down an alley, spot a naked woman lying on the
ground, face up.

Going over to her, they discover that she is dead. Modestly,
the first fan puts his Orioles cap over her left breast, while
the second fan puts his Red Sox cap over the right breast.
Finally, the last fan puts his Yankees cap over her pussy.

Eventually, they find a cop to inform him. Together, they
walk back to the body, and the cop examines her. Quickly
he looks under the Orioles and Sox caps, then under the
Yankees cap. He makes some notes, then goes back again, and
again, to look under the Yankees cap.

One of the fans asks the cop what he's doing.

The cop responds, "It's been a long time since I've seen
anything but an Asshole under a Yankeees cap!"

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #201 on 97-10-09
Heard variations of this one.

In one case an army officer finds the naked woman, takes
off his hat and covers her pussy with it, and then calls
the MPs. The MP is an enlisted man, and the first thing
he does is lift the hat. The officer asks him just what
he thinks he's doing. Scratching his head, the MP replies,
"Well, sir, this is the first time I've seen an officer's
hat without a prick underneath!"

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Subj: Standardized Guide To Sex As Baseball (S42)
From: Daemonic Funnies Page

Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If
so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your
friends?

"Yeah man, at the dance, Vinny and Amy went behind the gym
and they got to second base!"

Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second
base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really
sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more
intense as you got older. What's a person to do?

Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to
describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are
more than four stages in todays day and age of sex play.
So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex meta-
phors in line with the complications of modern romance
and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standard-
ized Guide to the Bases.

First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in
the old days.

--First Base- This was almost always kissing, although
one guy I know thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes
it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.

--Second Base- Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast
feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.

--Third Base- Usually this was a hand down the pants of you
or your partner.

--Home Run- This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely
reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms
of bases. And if it was, EVERYONE knew!

Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a
repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach
maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral
sex? (a.k.a. sloppy third) And what about the exact
definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling
questions and present without further ado...

Standardized Guide to the Bases!

--On Deck- Having plans for a date

--Strike-Out- Duh!!

--Walk- Kissing

--Bunt- Masturbation

--Single- Tongue kissing

--Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots
of grabbing and feels

--Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact,
mutual masturbation

--Inside the park home run- Oral Sex

--Home Run- SEX!!!

--Ground Rule Double- would have sex, but no condom

--Error- Condom breaks during sex

--Banned for life for gambling- sex without condom

--Hall of Fame- Marriage

Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms
to better explain all the things that can happen now a days.

--Balk- Premature ejaculation

--Pine Tar- KY jelly

--Relief pitcher- Vibrator

--Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly

--Box Seats- Waterbed

--Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions

--Dead Ball- Blue balls / passion cramps

--Florida Snow- Cocaine (I know you don't get it...tough.)

--Rookie- Virgin

--Minor Leagues- Under 18

--Loaded Bases- manage a trois

--Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours

--Foul tip- VD

--Three up and three down- impotency

--"All you"- Make the first move

--Batting Glove- Sexual aide

Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the
old confusion with current clarity.

OLD WAY- we um got to third base i guess and then we um got
like past third base, but not to home plate. i really like
her.

NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got an inside
the park home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame
time.

NEW WAY- So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out,
when i balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to
call in a relief pitcher.

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Subj:     Adam Bender Plays Baseball (S610d)
          From: tom
          on 9/18/2008

Source1: http://www.heraldleaderphoto.com/2008/05/31/adam-bender/
Source2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4LMBEBM1qc

Adam Bender, 8, is one of several kids who plays catcher in
Southeastern’s rookie league at Veterans Park. What makes
Adam stand out is that he plays one of the toughest positions
on the field with only one leg. Because of cancer, he had
his left leg amputated when he was one. Adam doesn’t use a
prosthesis, and only uses crutches when he reaches base for
the Astros. You can view a video of Adam playing baseball
at the either source, or on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj: Great Baseball Quotes
from Long Beach Independent Press-Telegram on 03/22/89

Top
Subj:     Quotes By Yogi Berra (S310, S831)
          From: pns on 1/6/2003
      and From: tom on 12/14/2012

Lawrence Peter Berra played Major League Baseball for 19 years
for the New York Yankees. He played on 10 World Series Champ-
ionship teams, is a MLB Hall of Famer and has some awe-inspiring
stats. His name is consistently brought up as one of the best
catchers in baseball history, and he was voted to the Team of
the Century in 1999.

Amazing accomplishments aside, they probably aren't how you know
Lawrence. You know him as Yogi, a nickname given to him by a
friend who likened his cross-legged sitting to a yogi. Yogi is
famous for his fractured English, malapropisms and sometimes
nonsensical quotes called Yogi-isms. He's closing in on 86,
and there seems to be no end to his fan's love for him.

Here are 25 Yogi-isms that will make you shake your head and smile.

1. "It's like deja vu all over again."
2. "We made too many wrong mistakes."
3. "You can observe a lot just by watching."
4. "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
5. "Mantle can hit just as good right-handed as he can
     left-handed. He's just naturally amphibious."
6. "If the world was perfect, it wouldn't be."
7. "If you don't know where you're going,
     you might end up some place else."
8. Responding to a question about remarks attributed to him
     that he did not think were his:
     "I really didn't say everything I said."
9. "The future ain't what it use to be."
10. "I think Little League is wonderful.
     It keeps the kids out of the house."
11. On why he no longer went to Ruggeri's, a St. Louis restaurant:
     "Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded."
12. "I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."
13. "We have deep depth."
14. "All pitchers are liars or crybabies."
15. When giving directions to Joe Garagiola to his
     New Jersey home, which is accessible by two routes:
     "When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
16. "Always go to other people's funerals,
     otherwise they won't come to yours."
17. "Never answer anonymous letters."
18. On being the guest of honor at an awards banquet:
     "Thank you for making this day necessary."
19. "The towels were so thick there
     I could hardly close my suitcase."
20. "Half the lies they tell about me aren't true."
21. As a general comment on baseball:
     "90% of the game is half mental."
22. "I don't know (if they were men or women running
     naked across the field), they had bags over their heads."
23. "It gets late early out there."
24. Carmen Berra, Yogi's wife asked: "Yogi, you are from St. Louis,
     we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York.
     If you go before I do, where would you like me to have
     you buried?" Yogi's answer: "Surprise me."
25. And his most famous quote of all. . .
     "It ain't over till it's over."

And here are nineteen more Yogi-isms.

When watching a Steve McQueen movie on TV: "He must have
made that before he died."

"If people don't want to come out to the ball park,
nobody's gonna stop 'em."

"There's nothing like a home opener, whether it's at home
or on the road."

After a poor game: "I think they just got through
marinating the greens."

When asked what time it is: "Do you mean now?"

"I usually take a two hour nap from one to four."

Testifying before a grand jury about a New York Yankees'
brawl in a nightclub: "Nobody did nothin' to nobody."

"I am going to buy a Volkswagen or a foreign car."

New York mayor Lindsay's wife, on a hot day: "You look
nice and cool, Yogi." Yogi: "You don't look so hot yourself."

For a spring training drill, Yogi instructed his players
to "Pair off in threes."

Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
Yogi: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."

After a waitress asked if Yogi wanted his pizza cut into
four or eight slices: "Four, I don't think I can eat eight."

Yogi used to work with the Yoo-Hoo soft drink company. A
woman once called and asked if Yoo-Hoo was hyphenated. Yogi
said, "No, ma'am, it's not even carbonated."

After attending an opera, Yogi mentioned that he liked it,
and added, "Even the music was nice."

"I never really said all those things I said."

Yogi's son, Dale: "The similarities between me and my
father are different."

Because it gets late early., on why it's so tough to play
left field in Yankee stadium.

From: LABLaughs@LABLaughs.com on 7/28/2002 (s287b)
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going,
because you might not get there. -- Yogi Berra

From: Anonymous Jr. on 2/18/2008 (S632b)
"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up
somewhere else." -- Yogi Berra

Subj: Dave Barry On Baseball And Women (S452b)

It's a weird scene. You win a few baseball games and all
of a sudden, you're surrounded by reporters an TV men with
cameras asking you about Vietnam and race relations.
-- Vida Blue, 1971

Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second
base, where the maximum possible number of males can get
there on short notice to help out in case of emergency. As
far as I can tell, our second base woman is a pretty good
baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no
way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near
her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to
deal with it. She's been on the team for three seasons
now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep
in their souls, that if she had to choose between catching
a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would
elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering
whether there were men on base. - Dave Barry, "Sports Is A Drag"

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 9/26/2005 (S452b)
"What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be
desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and
sometimes, just to be held. What Men Want: Tickets for the
world series." -- Dave Barry

I watch a lot of baseball on the radio. -- Gerald Ford, 1978

It's a beautiful day for a night game. -- Announcer Frankie Frisch

The most important things in life are good friends and a
strong bull pen. -- Pitcher Bob Lemon, 1981 -

Well, that kind of puts a damper on another Yankees win.
-- Announcer Phil Rizzuto, after a news bulletin reporting
the death of Pope Paul VI, 1978

It was too bad I wasn't a second baseman; then I'd probably
have seen a lot more of my husband. -- Karolyn Rose, ex-wife
of Pete Rose, 1981

Casey Stengel Quotes
Being with a woman never hurt no professional baseball player.
It's staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.
If you hit a home run, you can take your time running the bases.
The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from
the guys who are undecided.

They brought me up with the Brooklyn Dodgers, which at time was
in Brooklyn -- Casey Stengel, 1962

I won't play for a penny less than $1500.
-- Honus Wagner, turning down an offer of $2000

From: the Humor Box 03/18/97
"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." -- Dizzy Dean
explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a
ball in the 1934 World Series.

From: vcar.lew on 98-09-01
"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him
spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player."
-- Marsha Warfield

From: Tom_Adams on 98-12-12 (S99)
We are anxiously awaiting the death of Joe DiMaggio but just
as the cold hands of death seem to wrap its hands around him,
he recovers. It's like he's fouling off some pitches!

If God can't get him out, who can?

Javier

Top
Subj: Great Athletic Quotes (S114)
From: RFSlick on 3/14/99
1981 - Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what
terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela
might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations:
"He wants Texas back."

From: RFSlick on 5/31/99
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A?M, recounting
what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on
one subject." (1987)

From: Cypriot on 5/3/2002 (S274c)
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan all them kids to do what I do, to look up to me.
I wan all the kids to copulate me."

From: KMACINTY on 8/13/2002 (S289b)
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

Subj: Short Baseball Jokes

Top

Subj: Barry Bonds Political Cartoon (S550)
From: Con and Forkum on 7/29/2007
Picture from Cox and Forkum

Source: http://www.coxandforkum.com/archives/2007_07.html
This political cartoon is well done and great. You
can view it at the source above, or on my web site
by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     How To Diaper A Baby (S544b)
          From: Joke-of-the-Day.com on 6/16/2007
"Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you
at bat. Then fold second base down to home and set the
baby on the pitcher's mound. Put first base and third
together, bring up home plate and pin the three together.
Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and
start all over again."
   -- Jimmy Piersal, on how to diaper a baby, 1968

Top

Subj:     Time Spent With Dad (S456)
          From: darrell94590
          on 10/16/2005

To view this cute baseball story and picture click 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Three Old Ladies Get Drunk At A Game (S427b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 3/31/2005
Q: Three old ladies snuck a bottle of Jack Daniels into a
    baseball game and were having a great time drinking and
    cheering, when all of a sudden they noticed the bottle
    was almost empty. What inning is it, and how many are on
    base?
A: Bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.

Top
Subj:     Wee Pals Comic (S371)
          From: DailyComics.Net on 03/04/04
          at http://www.dailycomics.net/read.php?pid=128

Top
Subj: Bidding On Gum (S271)
From: jerry on 4/10/2002
People have bid for a wad of chewed up and spat out gum
from Arizona Diamondback's baseball star Luis Gonzalez.
Bidding ends April 15th but so far the bids have topped
$3,200. At least the money goes towards a good purpose -
helping to build a new high school.

Associated Press via Yahoo News 8-Apr-02

Top
Subj:     Little League Baseball (S213, S751)
          From: flovilla on 3/1/2001
      and From: tom on 6/2/2011
As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch
a local Little League baseball game that was being played
in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench
on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the
score was. "We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a
smile.

"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very
discouraged."

"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face.
"Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat
yet."

Heard on Jay Leno:
And here in L.A., there's talk of a teachers' strike. You
know, if they ever strike, here's what they should do: The
striking teachers and the striking baseball players should
switch jobs. You see, this way, the teachers would get paid
what they deserve, and the players would get paid what they
deserve.

Baseball players do it for a lot of money.
Baseball players do it in teams.
Baseball players do it with their bats.
Baseball players hit more home runs.
Baseball players make it to first base.

Confucius say that baseball very funny game; man can walk on 4 balls.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #164
Cleveland Indians closer-extraordinaire Jose Mesa was recently
acquitted of several sex-related crimes (rape, gross sexual
imposition, etc.). Here's a joke that is currently making the
rounds.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #4 on 98-01-04 (S306)
Pete Rose is seeking readmission to baseball. He's
confident major league officials will OK his reentry.
In fact, he's willing to bet on it.

Why can't they have baseball stadiums in Poland?
Everyone would be sitting behind a pole! -- Peter G. Harwood

From: BawdyNet test part 3! on 98-03-01
The only two days of the year in which there are no pro-
fessional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day
before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Bank robber John Dillinger played professional baseball.

Q: What goes 97 miles an hour and smells like pussy?
A: A Jose Mesa fastball.

Q: What is the difference between baseball and law?
A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

Q: What do you get when you cross a tree with a baseball player?
A: Babe Root.

Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

From: LABLaughsClean on 10/16/2008 (S614b)
Q: Why don't grasshoppers go to baseball games?
A: They prefer cricket!

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..........................Smileys playing baseball from Smiley_Central.
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