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>>>
Subj:     Football Jokes
                 (Includes 77 jokes and articles, 18 1027,13,cf,tr3,wYT2a4,6)

          Click "Here" for Football-Supp
 


Spinning Football from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  The Novice Cartoon (DU)
.........................BMichael Vick Experience - Nike Commercial (S889 in Supp)
.........................Bad British NFL Commentary - Video (S889 in Supp)
.........................Terry Bradshaw On Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson-Vid(S887-Sp)
.........................Norman Rockwell's "Fumble" Drawing (S819 in Supp)
.........................Barry Switzer Visits Mariucci (S47 in Supp)
.........................Inside The Control Room Of An NFL Game - Video (S884 - Supp)
.........................I Am A Champion - The Greatest Speech Ever - Vid (S783-Supp)
.........................Field of Dreams 2: Lockout - Video (S756 in Supp)
.........................Final Football Play Of Trinity Vs. Millsaps - Vid(S737-Supp)
.........................Wilson Football Factory - Video (S729 in Supp)
.........................Lingerie Bowl - Videos (S672b in Supp)
.........................South Park-isms (DU in Supp)
.........................Football Like It Was - Video (S664 in Supp)
.........................NFL Fantasy Files: The Best Players (S626b in Supp)
.........................Bob Nelson's Classic Football Routine - Video (S615b - Supp)
.........................Oakland Raider Alert (S505 in Supp)
.........................Plaxico Burress On Gun Safety - Video (S627 in Supp)
.........................The Chaplain For Notre Dame (S495c in Supp)
.........................Craziest Touchdown Ever - Video (S674b in Supp)
.........................College Entrance Exam (Football Player Version - in Supp)
.........................
.........................Dave, Oprah, And Jay Leno's Super Bowl Ad - Vid (S711b)
.........................Peyton Manning For The United Way - Video (S535)
.........................Super Bowl Seats (S21, S632c)
.........................Non Sequitur Cartoon (S783)
.........................Two Different Generations Argue At Football Game (S437)
.........................Andy Griffith's Football Story In 1953 - Audio file (S998)
.........................A 49er Fan (S353, S570b)
.........................John Cleese Rant: Soccer Vs. Football - Video (S701)
.........................The Stock Boy Falls In Love (S266b, S626b)
.........................Peanuts Sunday Comic Strip II (DU)
.........................Football Player Takes Math Test (S236)
.........................NFL 2015 A Bad Lip Reading - Video (S974)
.........................Man w/Dachshund Goes To A Bar(S161)
.........................NFL Stars Read Their Own Superlatives - Video (S974)
.........................Two Football Players Take Final Exam (S153)
.........................Kaepernick Takes A Knee - Animated GIF (S1027)
.........................NFL Quarterback Blocks A Tackle
.........................Peanuts Sunday Comic Strip (DU)
.........................Sex Change Girl Knows Football (S86)
.........................The Sensitive Man - Cartoon (S451b)
.........................Al Davis Finds A Quarterback (S11, S787)
.........................Reading An Anouncement Badly
.........................Football Buddies - Cartoon (S400b)
.........................Bubba Catches The Baby
.........................Female Playing Football
.........................The Best/Worst Football Score
                         Short Football Jokes
..............................Jim Harbaugh And Siku Do Push-Ups - Video (S896 - Supp)
..............................Mallard Comic Strip (S876 in Supp)
..............................Girl Football Player Is Fast (S826 in Supp)
..............................Kid Tricks Opponents To Win A Football Game (S785-Supp)
..............................Jerome Simpson's Front Flip Touchdown - Vid (S780-Supp)
..............................College Football Coach Quotes (S760 in Supp)
..............................B.C. Comic Strip (S626b in Supp)
..............................Plaxico Burress (S619b in Supp)
..............................Frank And Ernest (S606b in Supp)
..............................NFL Quarterbacks' Names (S593 in Supp)
..............................Maxine On The Super Bowl (S573c in Supp)
..............................Georgia Mascot Missing (S554c in Supp)
..............................Michael Vick Trial (S553b in Supp)
..............................Homemade Popsicle Stick Riddle (S830 in Supp)
..............................Eight Raider Question-Answers (S523b in Supp)
..............................
..............................Watching Football w/Grandson (S436)
..............................Football 95 Years Ago (S395b)
..............................Blocked Kick - Photo (S373b)
..............................After The Super Bowl (S367b)
..............................Campbell's Soup And The NFL (S358)
..............................Blonde At A Football Game (S293b, S772)
..............................New England Pats ? Mountain Oysters (S261b)
..............................Minnesota Vikings Cancel Practice (S250)
..............................NFL Announcement (S158)
..............................Great Athletic Quotes (S114)
..............................Thirteen College Football Question-Answers (S869-Supp)

Also see BEAR file    - 'Three Bears Go To Court'
         BIRDS file   - 'MIT Student Feeds Birds'
         BLONDE2 file - 'Blonde Football'
         CANDY file   - 'SNICKERS - The Brady Bunch Super Bowl Ad'
         CHURCH file  - 'Church Football'
.........CLOTHING-SUPP- 'Jim and Sarah Harbaugh's #StopDadPants Dockers Ad
.........COLLEGE1 file- 'Boy Beaten Up'
         COWBOY file  - 'Two Texans, Two Nuns, And A football Game'
         DRINKING_BER1- 'Bud Light Super Bowl Ad - Real Life PacMan' - Video
         FART file    - 'Fart Football'
         FUNERAL file - 'Football Fan's Funeral'
         Gay file     - 'Football-Pool'
         HEAD-ADS-SUP2- 'BEST Super Bowl XLVII (2013) Ads' - Video
         HELL file    - 'Biker Goes To Hell And Likes It'
         LETTERS1     - 'Dear Payton Letters' - Video
         NATIONAL-SUP2- 'Chrysler's "It's Halftime in America"' - Video
         OTHER_SPORTS - 'Romanian Football Moat'
         POLICE-SUPP  - 'Police Stop Old Lady w/Garbage Bags'
         POLITICAL-SUP- 'NBA OR NFL?'
.........PSYCHOLOGY   - 'Three Nuts At The Insane Asylum'
         PSYCH-SUPP   - 'Classic Peanuts III By Schultz'
         SCHOOL3 file - 'Teacher Gets To Know Kids II'
         SCHOOL-SUPP2 - 'No Child Left Behind - Football Version'
         STAR TREK Sup- 'VW Passat Super Bowl Commercial: The Force' - Video
         THANKSGIVING - 'Thanksgiving Football'
         TRAIN file   - 'Army-Navy Football Train'

============================================================Top
Subj:       Dave, Oprah, And Jay Leno's Super Bowl Ad
............From: YouTube.com on 8/28/2010 (S711b,d)
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/-KSKkmypTZM
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.......Click 'HERE' to see the worst Super Bowl party 
.......ever? Watch Dave, Oprah and Jay in this Super
.......Bowl commercial for The Late Show.
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Top
Subj:     Peyton Manning For The United Way (S535d)
          From: drgolfmd on 4/21/2007
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/ueOyFydWX7s

 In this Saturday Night Live spoof, Peyton hates your kids.
 Click 'HERE'. to see this funny, harsh video.

Top
Subj:     Super Bowl Seats (S21, S632c)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-24
      and From: ginafm on 2/1/2009

 (Also see 'Golf Match During Funeral' in GOLF1)

 A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl
 from his company.  Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the
 stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the
 corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear
 Blimp than the field.

 About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an
 empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line.
 He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the
 stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
 As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him,
 "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"  The man says no.

 Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game,
 Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is
 incredible!  Who in their right mind would have a seat like
 this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"

 The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I
 was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
 This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at
 since we got married in 1967."

 "Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't
 you find someone to take the seat?  A relative or close
 friend?"

 "No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

Top
Subj:     Non Sequitur Cartoon (S783)
          By Wiley Miller on 2/4/2012
Source: http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2012/02/04
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Top
Subj:     Two Different Generations Argue At Football Game (S437)
          From: chicababe1978 on 6/12/2005

 (Also see 'Two Generations Argue' in  Elderly3-Supp)

 A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a
 senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible
 for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a
 different world,"  the student said, loud enough for the whole
 crowd to hear, "Today we have television, jet planes, space
 travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited
 Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars,
 computers with light-speed processing  . . etc . .etc . "

 Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer
 said, "You're right.  We didn't have those things when we were
 young, so we invented them, you little twit!  What the hell are
 you doing  for the next generation??"

Top
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Subj:     Andy Griffith's Football Story In 1953 (S998d)
          From: Shrug News on 2/24/2016
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/oNxLxTZHKM8

Click 'HERE' to see hear this audio recording.

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Top
Subj:     A 49er Fan (S353, S570b)
          From: niner282003 on 11/5/2003

 An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in San
 Diego and trying to make a good impression on her first
 day, explains to her class that she's a Chargers fan.
 She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are
 Charger fans.

 Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little
 girl.  The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and
 says: "Jessica, why didn't you raise your hand?"

 "Because I'm not a Chargers fan," she replied.

 The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not
 a Chargers fan, then who do you support?"

 "I'm a 49ers fan, and proud of it," Jessica replied.

 The teacher could not believe her ears. "Jessica, why
 are you a 49ers fan?"

 "Because my Mom and Dad are from the bay area and my Mom
 is a 49ers fan and my dad is a 49ers fan, so I'm a 49ers
 fan too."

 "Well, said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone,
 that's no reason for you to be a 49ers fan.  You don't
 have to be just like your parents all of the time.  What
 if your Mom was a prostitute and your Dad was a drug
 addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"

 Jessica said, "I'd be a Raider fan."

Top
Subj:     John Cleese Rant: Soccer Vs. Football
          From: Wimp.com on 6/21/2010 (S701d)
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/2sD_8prYOxo
 Source2: http://www.wimp.com/soccerfootball/

 This is an excerpt from the documentary "The Art of
 Football from A to Z".  John Cleese compares soccer
 and American football.  Click 'HERE' to listen to
 this very articulate man.

Top
Subj:     The Stock Boy Falls In Love (S266b, S626b)
..........From: RFSlick on 3/7/2002
      and From: tom on 1/21/2009
 Source: http://www.snopes.com/glurge/warner.asp

 This is mostly a true story ..........

 In a supermarket, Kurtis the stock boy, was busily working
 when a new voice came over the loudspeaker asking for a
 carry out at check register 4.  Kurtis was almost finished,
 and wanted to get some fresh air, and decided to answer
 the call.  As he approached the check-out stand a distance
 smile caught his eye, the new check out girl was beautiful.
 She was an older woman (maybe 26, and he was only 22) and
 he fell in love.

 Later that day, after his shift was over, he waited by the
 punch clock to find out her name.  She came into the break
 room smile softly at him and took her card and punched out,
 then left.  He looked at her card, BRENDA.  He walked out
 only to see her start walking up the road.

 Next day, he waited outside as she left the supermarket,
 and offered her a ride home.  He looked harmless enough,
 and she accepted.  When he dropped her off, he asked if
 maybe he could see her again, outside of work.  She simply
 said it wasn't possible. He pressed and she explained she
 had two children and she couldn't afford a baby-sitter, so
 he offered to pay for the baby-sitter.  Reluctantly she
 accepted his offer for a date for the following Saturday.

 That Saturday night he arrived at her door only to have
 her tell him that she was unable to go with him.  The
 baby-sitter had called and canceled.  To which Kurtis
 simply said, "Well, lets take the kids with us."

 She tried to explain that taking the children was not an
 option, but again not taking no for an answer, he pressed.
 Finally Brenda, brought him inside to meet her children.
 She had an older daughter who was just cute as a bug,
 Kurtis thought.  Next Brenda brought out her son, in a
 wheelchair, he was born a paraplegic with down syndrome.
 Kurtis asked Brenda, "I still don't understand why the
 kids can't come with us?"

 Brenda was amazed.  Most men would run away from a woman
 with two kids, especially if one had disabilities.  Just
 like her first husband and father of her children did.

 That evening Kurtis and Brenda loaded up the kids, went
 to dinner and the movies.  When her son needed anything
 Kurtis would take care of him.  When he needed to use the
 rest room, he picked him up out of his chair, took him,
 brought him back.  The kids loved Kurtis.  At the end of
 the evening, Brenda knew this was the man she was going
 to marry and spend the rest of her life with.

 A year later, they were married and Kurtis adopted both
 of her children and since they have added two more kids.

 So what happened to the stock boy and check out girl?
 Well, Mr. and Mrs. Kurt Warner now live in Arizona, where
 he is currently employed as the quarterback of the
 National Football League Arizona Cardinals and has his
 Cardinal's appearing in this year's Super Bowl.  Is this
 a surprise ending or could you have guessed that he was
 not an ordinary person.

 It should be noted that he also quarterbacked the Rams
 in Super Bowl XXXVI

Top
Subj:     Peanuts Sunday Comic Strip (DU)
          By Charles M. Schulz on 11/11/2001
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/peanuts/2001/11/11
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Top
Subj:     Football Player Takes Math Test (S236)
          From: Jester on 8/7/01

 A football coach walked into the locker room before a game,
 looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed
 to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in
 there.  So, what I have to do is ask you a math question,
 and if you get it right, you can play."

 The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently
 and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the
 answer to this. What is two plus two?"

 The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"

 "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had
 got it right.

 Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming...,
 "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Top
Subj:     NFL 2015 A Bad Lip Reading (S974d)
          Made by Bad Lip Reading on 9/7/2015
          From: Kristin Kelson Hinchman on Facebook
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/OTRmyXX6ipU

 Click 'HERE' to see the words of NFL players and coaches
 changed to something very funny.

Top
Subj:     Man w/Dachshund Goes To A Bar(S161)
          From: RFSlick on 2/29/00

 A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm.  The
 dog is wearing a Cincinnati Bengals jersey and helmet, and
 is festooned with Bengal pom-poms.

 The bartender says, "Hey!  No pets are allowed!  You'll have
 to leave."

 The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate!  We're both big
 fans, the TV's broken at home, and this is the only place
 around where we can see the game."

 After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and
 warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's
 any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in
 the bar and watch the game.

 The big game begins with the Bengals receiving the kickoff.
 They march down field, get stopped at the 30, and kick a
 field goal.  Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins
 walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to
 everyone.

 The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing
 I've seen!  What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"

 The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for three
 years."

Top
Subj:     NFL Stars Read Their Own Superlatives (S974d)
          From: The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/oB4R7twWMjs
 Source2: https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1015362
..........7469403896?set=vb.31732483895?type=2?theater

 On the The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, NFL stars
 such as Peyton Manning, Aaron Rodgers, Rob Gronkowski read
 their own Tonight Show Superlatives!  Click 'HERE' to view.

Top
Subj:     Two Football Players Take Final Exam (S153)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 01/05/2000

 Two football players were taking an important final exam.
 If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not
 allowed to play in the big game the following week.  The
 exam was fill-in-the-blank.

 The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a  _________."
 Bubba was stumped.  He had no idea what to answer.  But he
 knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

 Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny
 on the shoulder.  "Pssst. Tiny.  What's the answer to the
 last question?"  Tiny laughed. He looked around to make
 sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.
 "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had
 a FARM."

 "Oh yeah," said Bubba.  "I remember now."  He picked up his
 No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank.
 He stopped.  Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered,
 "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

 "You are really dumb, Bubba.  That's so easy.  Farm is
 spelled - E-I-E-I-O."

Top
Subj:     Kaepernick Takes A Knee - GIF (S1027)
          From: South Park on Facebook on 9/18/2016
 Source: https://media.giphy.com/media/26ufoMEgT3wQTLknC/giphy.gif
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.........For our national anthem we now ask you all
.........in solidarity to please rise, or sit, or
.........take a knee, in order to honor America!

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Top
Subj:     NFL Quarterback Blocks A Tackle
          from A 3rd Serving of Chicken Soup for the Soul
          Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen
         From: Tom_Adams on 98-09-23

 For those of you, gentle readers, that haven't read any of
 the Chicken Soup for the Soul series of books, you have
 missed a lot.  Here is a selection I hope you enjoy.

 Recognize Your Winners

       Fran Tarkenton, former Minnesota Vikings quarterback,
  once called a play that required him to block onrushing
  tacklers.
       NFL quarterbacks almost never block. They're usually
  vastly outweighed by defenders, so blocking exposes them
  to the risk of severe injury.
       But the team was behind, and a surprise play was
  needed. Tarkenton went in to block, and the runner scored
  a touchdown. The Vikings won the game.
       Watching the game films with the team the next day,
  Tarkenton expected a big pat on the back for what he'd
  done.
       It never came.
       After the meeting, Tarkenton approached coach Bud
  Grant and asked, "You saw my block, didn't you, Coach?
  How come you didn't say anything about it?"
       Grant replied, "Sure, I saw the block. It was great.
  But you're always working hard out there, Fran. I figured
  I didn't have to tell you."
       "Well," Tarkenton replied, "if you ever want me to
  block again, you do!"

Top
Subj:     Peanuts Sunday Comic Strip (DU)
          By Charles M. Schulz on 11/16/1952
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/peanuts/1952/11/16
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Top
Subj:     Sex Change Girl Knows Football (S86)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #215 on 98-09-12

 A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball
 game.  During the game the guys notice the girl knew just
 as much about the game as themselves, and are really
 impressed.  After the game they ask her, "How is it that
 you know so much about baseball?"

 She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."

 The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.

 "What was the most painful part of the process?
 Was it when  they cut IT off?"

 "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

 "Was it when they cut off your balls?"

 "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

 "What was the most painful part?"

 "The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in
 half!"

Top
Subj:     The Sensitive Man (S451b)
          From: darrell94590 on 9/9/2005
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Top
Subj:     Al Davis Finds A Quarterback (S11, S787)
          From: DR SWITZER on 97-04-10
      and From: virv on 2/6/2012

 Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for '96.
 The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback.  He
 had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools,
 and he couldn't find a quarterback that would ensure a
 Super Bowl win.

 Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia.
 In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted
 a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm.  He
 threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200
 yards away -- ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a
 group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away--ka-blooey!
 A car passes going 90 miles an hour--bulls-eye!  Right into
 the barely open window.

 "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself, "he has the
 perfect arm!"  So he brings him to the states and teaches
 him the great game of football.

 Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for
 completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the Super
 Bowl.  The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of
 Super Bowl XXXII, and when Al asks him what he wants, all
 the young man wants to do is to call his mother.

 "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won
 the Super Bowl."

 "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You
 deserted us. You're not my son."

 "I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads.
 "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in
 the middle of thousands of adoring fans."

 "No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very
 moment, there are gun shots all around us.  The neighbor-
 hood is a pile of rubble.  Your two brothers were beaten to
 within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your
 sister was raped in broad daylight...."

 The old lady pauses, in tears.  "I'll never forgive you for
 moving us to Oakland."

Top
Subj:     Reading An Anouncement Badly

 This was told to me about the Swazi Sun Hotel

 Whilst the guests gathered around in the hotel lounge waiting
 for the "big screen" television to be switched on, a group of
 nervous trainee managers fidgeted and fussed, preparing the
 room for the comfort of those who were going to watch the big
 game on TV.  One of them stepped forward hesitantly and,
 reading from a scrap of paper, announced to the room:

 "The fuck up will start in 5 minutes".

 After a moment's shocked silence, the hotel manager himself
 rushed to the front of the room and, blushing, said:

 "Our apologies for that last announcement which should have
 been that the FAC up will start in 5 minutes."

Top
Subj:     Football Buddies (S400b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 8/19/2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
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Top
Subj:     Bubba Catches The Baby

 The star wide receiver for the Texas A?M Aggies football
 team, Bubba, was walking down the street one day when he
 came across a fire in a four-story building.  On the fourth
 floor, a woman was yelling out the window, "Save my baby!
 Save my baby!"

 The gathering crowd had no idea of what to do until Bubba
 got a great idea, so he shouted, "Ma'am, just throw the baby
 down to me and I will catch it.  I am the star wide receiver
 for the Aggies."

 At first, the woman was not convinced, but the approaching
 flames eventually changed her mind.  So, she closed her eyes
 after Bubba was ready and flung the baby out of the window.
 It happened to be a bit of a windy day, so Bubba had trouble
 judging the baby's trajectory.  He had to run a bit left,
 then a bit right, then left again. At the last moment, a
 gust of wind caused the baby to go back to the right.  Bubba
 stretched his arms out, jumped, and made a spectacular diving
 catch to the roar of the crowd.

 Bubba then jumped back up, held the baby in the air while
 yelling and doing a celebratory dance.  After that, Bubba
 went ahead and spiked the baby.

Top
Subj:     Female Playing Football

 In 1989, a Union Bridge, Md., high school permitted a female
 student, Tawana Hammond, 17, to try out for its football
 team under the pressure of a federal statute that bars school
 discrimination on the basis of gender.  On her first scrimmage,
 Tawana, a running back, was tackled and suffered massive
 internal injuries.  In October 1992, she filed a $1.5 million
 lawsuit against the county board of education for its alleged
 failure to tell her how dangerous football is.

Top
Subj:     The Best/Worst Football Score

 Georgia Tech: 222 to Cumberland Gap: 0

 GT played everybody they had, anyone in uniform, and maybe
 the waterboys and cheerleaders (I forget).  CG immediately
 and permanently disbanded its football team.  Personally,
 I have always suspected that the Falcons were comprised
 primarily of old CG men.

 [A whole book has been written on this game, and it is
 quite amusing.  I don't remember the title, but I remember
 seeing the book. -spaf]


Subj:     Short Football Jokes
 

Top
Subj:     Watching Football w/Grandson (S436)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 6/1/2005
 MY HUSBAND, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football
 game with our grandchildren.  He had just a turned 75 and
 was feeling a little wistful.

 "You Know" he said to our grandson, Nick, "it's not easy
  getting old."

 "Don't worry, Grandpa," Nick said cheerily. "Maybe
  you'll go into overtime"
 
 

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Subj:     Football 95 Years Ago (S395b)
          From: igiggle on 8/18/2004
 If you think football is rough now, ninety-five years ago
 it was played without helmets.  Punching, kicking, and
 gouging were legal moves.  During the 1905 college season,
 eighteen players were killed on the field.
 

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Subj:     Blocked Kick (S373b)
          From: gheckman on 3/22/2004
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Subj:     After The Super Bowl (S367b in Pictures)
          From: DoctorDebt on 2/11/2004
 Immediately following the Super Bowl, George W Bush called
 the Patriots and complimented them on a great game.

 Al Gore called the Panthers and said he thought they were robbed.

 Bill Clinton called Janet Jackson.  Click 'Here' for why.
 

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Subj:     Campbell's Soup And The NFL (S358)
          From: agrief on 12/9/2003
 Here is an easy way to make a difference this holiday season.
 Campbell's is donating a can of soup to the needy for every
 person that goes to their site
 ?http://www.chunky.com/click_for_cans.asp>
 and votes for their favorite NFL team.
 Please forward this message along. Thanks.
 Their Tackling Hunger(tm) campaign is supposed to result in
 donations up to 5 million cans on behalf of NFL teams.  When
 I clicked earlier, it was at 3,173,156. So go click!

 I checked with Snopes.com and this program is for real.
 http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/charity/campbells.asp
 

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Subj:     Blonde At A Football Game (S293b, S772)
          From: coreymac on 9/11/2002
      and From: tom on 10/27/2008 and 10/27/2011
 A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football
 game.  They had great seats right behind their team's
 bench.  After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

 "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the
 tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just could
 not understand why they were killing each other over
 25 cents."

 Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

 "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then
 for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...
 Helloooooo?  It's only 25 cents!!!!"
 
 

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Subj:     New England Patriots ? Mountain Oysters (S261b)
          From: KMACINTY on 1/31/2002
 New England Patriots guard Grey Ruegamer used to castrate
 sheep and bulls on a Montana farm.  According to a
 published report, he did it using an old Basque method of
 cutting off the testicles with his teeth:

 "You cook them up with some garlic and a little oil."
 Ruegamer said.  "It's like a chicken wing."  When asked if
 there was anything he wouldn't eat, he said: "Seafood. It
 creeps me out."
 

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Subj:     Minnesota Vikings Cancel Practice (S250)
          From: jerry on 11/15/2001
 Bonehead award one goes to the Minnesota Vikings football
 team who canceled a practice session and had the National
 Guard and the FBI called in when one of the players noticed
 a white powdery substance on the field, which turned out to
 be the goal line.

 Daily Pantagraph, Bloomington-Normal, Illinois
 

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Subj:     NFL Announcement (S158)
          From: RFSlick on 01/19/2000
 The NFL announced today in a press conference that one team
 from the league needed to be eliminated.  What officials have
 decided to do is combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa
 Bay Buckaneers and form one team therefor saving jobs.  They
 will be known as the TAMPACKS....  They are good for only one
 period and have no second string. (Its a groaner)
 

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Subj:     Great Athletic Quotes (S114)
          From: RFSlick on 3/14/99
 "Nobody in football should be called a genius.
 A genius is a guy like Norman  Einstein."

 Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996
 "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

 Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line
 up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of
 three, then line up in a circle."

 1991 -Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans
 that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books:
 "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."

 1986 - Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after
 a loss what he thought of the refs:   "I'm not allowed to
 comment on lousy officiating."

 The Houston Oilers name will be changed next season to the
 Houston Tampons as they are only good for one period and don't
 have a second string.

 The L.A. Rams have a new line of cologne.
 It's a little different though; you wear it and the other guy
 scores.

 John Elway couldn't get into his house Sunday night.  It
 seems someone had painted a goal line in front of his door!

 Baseball is to football as Beethoven is to rap.  --  Patrick Mott

 Football combines the two worst features of American life.
 It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.  - "Men At
 Work: The Craft of Baseball" by George F. Will, quoted in the
 April 1 "New York Times Book Review"

 Because it is not natural for a human being to hurl his body
 directly at another human being.  - Chuck Noll, ex-Pittsburgh
 Steelers football coach, when asked why it is difficult to
 play pro football

 Today was mostly decision day.  We made an agreement to agree
 over what we had agreed upon before.  --  Tom Flores, former
 Seahawks general manager

From: KMACINTY on 8/13/2002 (S289b)
 Metro Radio, "Julian Dicks is everywhere.
 It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

From: LABLaughs.com on 8/30/2002 (S291b)
 If you aren't going all the way; why go at all?
   -- Joe Namath, Hall of Fame Football Player

From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366)
 Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.'
   -- Joe Namath

From: Joke-Of-The-Day@joke-of-the-day.com on 1/24/2003 (S313b)
 Dictionary is the only place that success comes before work.
 Hard work is the price we must pay for success.  I think you
 can accomplish anything if you're willing to pay the price.
   -- Vince Lombardi

 The "huddle" in football was formed due a deaf football player
 who used sign language to communicate and his team didn't want
 the opposition to see the signals he used and in turn huddled
 around him.

 Steve Young, the San Francisco 49ers quarterback, is the
 great-great-grandson of Mormon leader Brigham Young.

From: BawdyNet test part 3! on 98-03-01
 * No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium
   has ever won a Super Bowl.

 It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a
    year's supply of footballs.

From: RFSlick on 5/31/99
 Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes
 his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because
 she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye."

 New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
 season:"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes
 first."

 And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my
 own mother to win the Super Bowl,"  Matt Millen of the Raiders
 said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

 Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996:
 "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy
 like Norman Einstein."

 Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman
 because of academic  requirements: "I play football. I'm not
 trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense
 to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in
 school."

 Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal
 number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor
 physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke
 his nose.  How do you go about getting a nose in condition
 for football?" (1966)

 Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after
 the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled
 a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against
 St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out
 for the toss next time." (1981)

 Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not
 to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid
 I'd get shot." (1996)

 Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach,
 John Jenkins: "He treats us like men.  He lets us wear
 earrings." (1991)

From: DrRibeiro on 8/2/99 (S131B)
 Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game,"
 when their team is winning.

From: Scott's Joke Archive on 7/22/01
 During a nationally-televised August pre-season game,
 Denver Bronco defensive tackle Darren Drozdov, who was
 in his stance opposite the offensive center awaiting
 the snap, vomited on the ball.  Afterward, he told
 reporters, "I get sick a lot.  I was a quarterback in
 high school, and I'd start throwing up on my center's
 back. I don't have a lot of control out there."
 [San Francisco Chronicle, 8-27-93] (294)

From: gheckman on 10/2/2001
 Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model
 "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I
 want all the kids to copulate me.

From: RFSlick on 2/4/2002 (S262)
 If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the"Jags"
 and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs",
 what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?

From: igiggle on 12/28/2003 (S361b)
 "They boo for a living in those places.  We played on
 Christmas Eve and they even booed Santa Claus."
    -- Jerry Glanville, Houston Oilers coach,
    on Cleveland and Cincinnati fans.

From: LABLaughsRiddles on 1/25/2006 (S472b)
 "Football isn't a contact sport, it's a collision sport.
  Dancing is a contact sport."  -- Duffy Daugherty
 

 Q: What is the difference between Cheerios and the Broncos.
 A: Cheerios belongs in a bowl.

 Q: Why does John Elway eat his cereal from a plate?
 A: Because he's lost all three of his bowls.

 Q: Why can't John Elway use the phone anymore?
 A: Because he can't find the receiver.

 Q: What do you get when you cross a defensive lineman with
    a prostitute?
 A: A quarter-ton pickup.

 Q: Do you know why the new football stadium
    they built in Warsaw could not be used?
 A: No matter where you sat, you were behind a Pole.

 Q: What is the difference between a sofa and
    a man watching Monday Night Football?
 A: The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

From: RFSlick on 98-04-10
 Q: What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have
    in common?
 A: Neither of them can stop a Bronco.

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