Subj:     Golf1 Jokes
..........(Includes 38 jokes, 08 1121n,15,cf,wXT1a8a,13)

..........L5 Update

Golfer from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  GolfBoarding - Video (S956)
.........................Husband And Wife Have Golf Lessons (S462)
.........................Rory Vs The Robot - Video (S951)
.........................Assassin Plays Golf (S14, S598)
.........................Family Guy Teaches Golf - Animated Video (S953)
.........................Mini Masters - Crazy Golf - Video (S902)
.........................Man Hit By Golf Ball (S67)
.........................Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S650b)
.........................Four Married Golfer's Problems (S100)
.........................Golf Trivia Challenge - SWF Game (S588)
.........................New Golf Term (S579b)
.........................Sixteen New Golf Terms (S630c)
.........................Polar Bear Plays Golf - Animated Video (S567)
.........................Two Golfers And A Pine Tree (S517c)
.........................Two Rednecks And Two Gays Play Golf (S71)
.........................18 Hole Miniature Golf SWF Game (S593)
.........................Golf Match During Funeral (S28)
.........................Stevie Wonder Meets Tiger Woods (S479)
.........................Dumb Golfers And Beer - Video (S585)
.........................Man And His Secretary Have An Affair (S240)
.........................Golfer Dies And Goes To Heaven (S558b)
.........................Keeping Active in Retirement? - Photo (S888)
.........................Senator Has Hooker And Plays Golf (S02)
.........................Arizona Golf Course Sign (S77, S669)
.........................Distracting Your Instructor - Web Page w/Photo (S518b)
.........................Golfing Lawyer Meets Beautiful Babe (S17)
.........................Christmas Day Golfing (S417)
.........................Lady Golfer Stung By Bee - Web Page w/Nude Photo (S482b)
.........................Guy And His Wife Shoot A Round Of Golf (S164)
.........................Golfer Dies On The Course (DU)
.........................The Wizard of Id - Web Page (S607b)
.........................Golfer Hurt On Course (S15)
.........................Golfer Stranded On Island (S389)
.........................Coming Between A Couple - Web Page w/Drawing (S387b)
.........................Golf Pro Teaches Sweet Young Thing (DU)
.........................Famous Men (S605b)
.........................Golf/Miles (S610b)
.........................Beetle Bailey Sunday Comic Strip - Web Page (S611c)

Also see ARKANSAS.....- 'Cadillac Gets Gas In Arkansas'
         BALLS file   - 'A Golfer And His Balls'
         BAR1 file    - 'Shoe Sunday Comic Strip'
         BATHROOM file- 'Vegan Floater' - Twitter Photo
         CHURCH-SUPP  - 'Sunday's Sermon "Forgive Your Enemies"'
         DOCTOR-SUPP  - 'Three Texas Surgeons Brag'
         GENIE file   - 'Wife's Golf Shot Breaks Window'
......................- 'Three Wishes From A Frog Genie II'
         FACTS2 file  - 'Lady Golfer'
         FACTS4 file  - 'Golf Match Ends'
         FACTS5 file  - 'The History Of The Word Caddie'
         FROG file    - 'Golfer And Talking Frog'
         GERMANY file - 'The World Is Going Crazy'
         HEAVEN2 file - 'Don't Hit The Duck'
         HOSPITAL2    - 'Lamaze Class'
         HUNTING-SUPP - 'Non Sequitur Cartoon'
         JEWISH1 file - 'Jewish Wife Was Unfaithful'
         JOBS2 file   - 'Worker's Favorite Sports'
         JOBS3 file   - 'Confused Owner Seeks Math Help'
         KIDS5 file   - 'Playing Miniature Golf With Your Kids'
         LEPRECHAUN   - 'Golfer Meets Leprechaun'
         LISTS file   - 'Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't:'
         MARRIAGE1    - 'Will Husband Remarry?'
         MEN4 file    - 'The Homeless Man'
         PENIS1 file  - 'Golfer Hits Hole In One And Meets Genie'
         PRIEST2 file - 'Priest Says Hoover'
......................- 'Priest Plays Golf On Sunday'
......................- 'Priest And Youth Play Golf'
......................- 'Priest And Youth Play Golf II'
......................- 'Priest Hears Golfer's Confession'
......................- 'Two Fellows Play Golf'
         POLITICAL2   - 'Tiger Woods To Resign Over Rule Change'
         POPE file    - 'The Pope Is Challenged To A Golf Match'
         PREGNANT-SUPP- 'Pregnancy Class For Couples'
         PSYCHOLOGY   - 'Marriage Counselor'
         QUOTES-CMD-SP- 'Crazy World by Chris Rock'
        SCOTTISH     - 'Scotsman Washed Ashore On A Island'
         WEDDING-HNYMN- 'Man w/Dick In Splint Has Honeymoon'
                      - 'Bride Had Been With Arnold Palmer'
         WED-HNYM-SUPP- 'Drew Litton Cartoon'

GOLF1, 2 file has best jokes
GOLF3 file contains jokes, oddities and Q/A
Subj:     GolfBoarding (S956d-On Site)
          From: Zoraida Alilin McNorton
 Source: www.facebook.com/fox12oregon
.Could this Oregon invention turn you into a fan of golfing?
.It's called GolfBoard, and Nick Krupke KPTV in Oregon got
.to try it out at Trysting Tree Golf Club.  Click 'HERE' to
 see this great invention.
Subj:     Husband And Wife Have Golf Lessons (S462)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive in 1997

 A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither
 of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to
 take private lessons.  The husband has his lesson first.

 After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no," you're
 gripping the club way too hard!"

 "Well, what should I do?" asks the man.

 "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold
 your wife's breast."  The man takes the advice, takes a swing,
 and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds straight up the fairway.
 The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife
 can't wait for her lesson.

 The next day the wife goes for her lesson.  The pro watches
 her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way
 too hard."

 "What can I do?" asks the wife.

 "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's
 penis."  The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes
 a swing, and THUMP.  The ball goes straight down the fairway ...
 about 15 ft.  "That was great," the pro says, "Now, take the
 club out of your mouth, put it in your hands, and we'll go for

Subj:     Rory Vs The Robot (S951, S1121)
          Made by European Tour
          From: tom in 2015 (d-iFrame)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/Ft2fLuz9mF0

Rory McIlroy has beaten just about every
human on the planet so for the latest
European Tour challenge he's up against
a robot.  Click 'HERE' to watch Rory
face a Golf Laboratory Computer.

Subj:     Assassin Plays Golf (S14, S598)
          From: DoctorDebt in 2004

 (Also see 'Hunter Buys A New Scope' in HUNTING-CAMPING)

 Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole
 of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag
 called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you?  My partner
 didn't turn up."  "Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

 So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company
 of the newcomer.  Part way around the course, one of the
 friends asked the newcomer,  "What do you do for a living?"
 "I'm a hit man," was the reply.  "You're joking!" was the
 response.  "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf
 bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with
 a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

 "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend,
 "Can I take a look?  I think I might be able to see my house
 from here."  So he picked up the rifle and looked through the
 sight in the direction  of his house.  "Yeah, I can see my
 house all right.  This sight is fantastic.  I can see right
 in the window."  "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.
 Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!!  Wait a minute, that's my
 neighbor in there with her.......He's naked, too!!!  The

 He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
 "I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time
 I pull the  trigger."  "Can you do two for me now?"  "Sure,
 what do you want?"

 "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot
 her in the mouth.  Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine,
 and just a kid, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a
 lesson."  The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing
 perfectly still for a  few minutes.  "Are you going to do
 it or not?" said the golfer impatiently.

 "Just be patient," said the hitman calmly,  "I think I can
 save you a grand here....."

Subj:     Family Guy Teaches Golf (S953)
          From: Patricia Pineo Manzato (d-On Site)
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/OfD5My-TSfM
.......Click 'HERE' to see this cute, seventeen second clip.
Subj:     Mini Masters - Crazy Golf
          By Connor and Gandolfi
 Source1: www.youtube.com/embed/_oQAjtXz-Vc
 Source2: www.wimp.com/watchgolf/

 This would definitely make golf more exciting to watch.
 Simon Connor and Stephen Gandolfi, video editors at the
 Adverbox advertising agency, reimagine The Masters golf
 tournament as a game of miniature golf.  Known for their
 unique approach to advertisement, Adverbox has done
 similar projects for other brands.  Click 'HERE' to see
 the Mini Masters.

Subj:     Man Hit By Golf Ball (S67, S560)
          From: Tom_Adams in 1998

 A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday
 morning.  The first of the two-some teed-off and watched
 in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome
 of men playing the next hole.  Indeed, the ball hit one
 of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together
 at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
 around in agony.

 The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began
 to apologize.  She then explained that she was a physical
 therapist and offered to help ease his pain.

 "Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I
 know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me,"
 she told him earnestly.

 "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right... I'll be fine
 in a few  minutes," he replied as he remained in the
 fetal position still clasping his hands together at his

 The woman persisted, and he finally allowed her to help
 him.  She gently took his hands away and laid them to
 the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands
 inside.  She began to massage him.  She then asked him,
 "How does that feel?"

 The man looked up at her and replied, ""It feels great,
 but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Subj:     Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S650b)
          By Bob Thaves in 2009
 Source: www.gocomics.com/frankandernest/2009/06/19
Subj:     Four Married Golfer's Problems (S100, S600c)
          From: thebartend in 1998

 (Also see 'Christmas Day Golfing' above)

 Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the
 following conversation took place:

 First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able
 to come out golfing this weekend.  I had to promise my
 wife that I will paint every room in the house next

 Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife
 that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

 Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise
 my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

 They continue to play the hole when they realized that
 the fourth guy has not said a word.  So they ask him.
 "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to
 be able to come golfing this weekend.  What's the deal?"

 Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am.  When it
 goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and
 say, 'Golf course or intercourse?'  So she says, 'Wear
 your sweater.'"

Subj:     Golf Trivia Challenge (S588, S783)
          From: tom in 2008 and 2012 (d-On Site,SWF)
 Source: (Removed from Cincinnati.com/golf)

 This Golf Trivia Challenge is great fun even if you
 don't play golf.  You can test your reasoning skills
 by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     New Golf Term (S579b, S732)
          From: tom in 2008 and 2011

 Four retired geezers came into the pro shop after playing
 18 holes of golf.  They were a bit exhausted.  The pro
 asked, "Did you gents have a good game today?"

 The first old feller said, "Oh, I had three riders today."

 The second bent over guy said, "I had the most riders ever.
 I had five."

 The third old man said, "I did about the same.  I had seven
 riders, the same as last time."

 The last ancient sport said, "I beat my old record.  I had
 12 riders today.

 Aren't you fellers proud of me?"

 After they went into the men's locker room, an elderly lady
 club member that had heard the old gents telling of their
 game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf here
 for 40 years and thought I knew all the terminology of the
 game..... but what in the world is a rider?"

 The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough
 to get in the golf cart and ride to it."

Subj:     Sixteen New Golf Terms (S630c)
..........From: tom in 2009

 A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't

 A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another

 A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand

 A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water

 A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed

 An 'O.J.' - got away with one

 A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver

 A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver

 A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole

 A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a little to the right

 A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way to the left and out of bounds

 A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's impossible to read

 A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out

 A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist

 A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees

 A 'Mickey Mantle' - a dead yank

Subj:     Polar Bear Plays Golf
          By Backkom (S567d-iFrame)
          From: edapsmas in 2007
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/kX1Ha0I5mcM

 The animated video of a polar bear playing golf is a
 very funny parody of golfers. Click 'HERE' to view it.

Subj:     Two Golfers And A Pine Tree (S517c)
          From: LABLaughsClean in 2006

 A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with
 a few hours to spare one afternoon.  He figured that if he
 hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before
 he had to head home.

 Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled
 onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man
 as he was golfing alone.  Not being able to say no, he
 allowed the old man to join him.

 To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly.  He did
 not hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and
 didn't waste much time.

 Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found
 himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right
 in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the

 After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the
 old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit
 the ball right over that tree."

 With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung
 hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree
 trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from
 where it had originally lay.

 The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was
 your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Subj:     Two Rednecks And Two Gays Play Golf (S71, DU)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #252 in 1998

 (See 'Two Poofs And A Truck Driver In An Accident' in GAYS file)

 Two rednecks are playing golf behind two flamingly
 effeminate golfers who are just flitting about after
 every shot, every putt, everything.  The rednecks are
 getting so mad watching the unmacho behavior of the two
 at the "gentleman's game", so they decide they're going
 to hit into them to get off.

 The rednecks' shots are getting dangerous close to the
 two gays, and finally, a shot from one of the rednecks
 hits one of the gays on the head and it knocks him out

 The other gay is in an angry panic, shaking his friend
 to get up - "Felipe!  Felipe!  Get up!  Get up...!" -
 and at the rednecks - "You bad men!  We are going to
 sue you!"

 One of the rednecks yelled back, "You ain't gonna sue us!
 I'd just as soon let you suck my dick!"

 The gay heard that and started shaking his friend, "Felipe!
 Felipe!  Get up! Hurry! They want to settle out of court!"

Subj:     18 Hole Miniature Golf Game (S593)
          From: tom in 2008 (d-On site,SWF)
 Source: (Removed from ibogleif.dk/)

 This is an excellent miniature golf game that you can play
 by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Golf Match During Funeral (S28, S604c)
          From: Anonymous Jr in 2004

 (Also see 'Superbowl Seats' in FOOTBALL)

 A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf
 for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot
 putt to win the round, and the $200.

 As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to
 pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off,
 placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral
 procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter
 and returned to lining up his putt.

 One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I
 have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing,
 possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects."

 "Well, we were married for 25 years."

Subj:     Stevie Wonder Meets Tiger Woods (S479)
          From: drgolfmd in 2006

 Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having
 dinner.  Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing
 career going?"

 Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad How's the golf?"

 Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my
 swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

 Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes
 wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think
 about it.  Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all

 Tiger says, "You play golf?"

 Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

 Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you
 can't see?"

 Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the
 fairway and call to me.  I listen for the sound of his voice
 and play the ball toward him.  Then, when I get to where the
 ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the
 fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice"

 "But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

 Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of
 the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I
 just play the ball toward his voice."

 Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

 Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

 Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a
 round sometime."

 Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I
 only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a

 Woods thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would
 you like to play?"

 Stevie says, "Pick a night."

Subj:     Dumb Golfers And Beer
          From: tom in 2008
 Source: www.youtube.com/embed/MOPWqVFD3-0

 Nothing is more dangerous than a bunch of golfers with
 lots of beer and a video camera.  How many beers before
 you would make this video?  Click 'HERE' to see these
 dumb golfers.

Subj:     Man And His Secretary Have An Affair (S240, S605)
          From: CatScratch in 2001

 A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair.
 One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they
 rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon
 making passionate love.  When they were finished, they fell
 asleep and didn't wake up until 8 o'clock.

 They got dressed quickly.  Then the man told his secretary
 to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.
 Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking he was pretty

 The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the
 door.  Upset, she asks where he's been.  The man replies
 "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an
 affair.  Today we left work early, went to her place,
 spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep.  That's
 why I'm late."

 The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says,
 "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes.  YOU
 GODDAMN LIAR!!! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

Subj:     Golfer Dies And Goes To Heaven (S558b)
          From: SCOTCOB in 2007

 A man dies and approaches the pearly gates where he encounters
 St. Peter.  "Ah," says St. Peter, "we've been expecting you.
 I'd like to let you walk through the pearly gates here, and
 looking through my book, I notice you've lived a good life....
 BUT...I see that one time, ONE TIME, you got a little angry
 and said the "F" word, didn't you?"

 "Yes," says the man, "but it was only one time."

 St. Peter:  "Well, I've been known to make an exception when
 there are extenuating circumstances."

 Man: "Well, I said the "F" word when I was playing golf.."

 St. Peter:  "Oh, so you're a golfer, are you?  Well that
 explains a lot.  Go ahead and tell me why you said the "F"

 Man:  "Well, I was playing in a tournament, and I had a one
 stroke lead.  As I started into my backswing for my drive
 on the last hole, just at the peak of my swing, I realized
 that I had chosen the wrong club!  I had the five iron
 instead of the four iron..."

 St. Peter: "And THAT'S when you said the "F" word?"

 Man: "Well, no, as it turned out I hit the five iron shot
 of my life!  The ball was headed straight up the fairway,
 when all of a sudden, a passing bird flew right into the
 ball's path..."

 St. Peter: "You said the "F" word then, didn't you?"

 Man: "Well, no, just as the bird got to the ball, it
 started to hook, and the bird actually helped direct the
 ball towards the green where it landed and started to
 roll towards the cup!  It was rolling real well, when
 all of a sudden, a squirrel came onto the green and came
 towards my ball..."

 St. Peter: "The "F" word, you said it then, yes?"

 Man: "Well, the squirrel actually pushed the ball towards
 the hole, where it stopped rolling just about 2 inches
 from the cup.."

 St. Peter:" You didn't miss the fucking putt, did you?!?!?"

Subj:     Keeping Active In Retirement? (S888d)
          From: tom in 2014
To all the die hard golfers in my life...

It's important to remain active in retirement...
Subj:     Senator Has Hooker And Plays Golf (S02, S601)

 An important senator arranges to use an escort service (high-
 class prostitution) and winds up with this beautiful japanese
 girl who speaks little English, but hey, he wasn't in the
 mood for conversation anyway.  So they get at it, and she
 gets into it like no woman he's ever seen!  She starts
 yelling, "Gama Su!, Gama Su!" while making faces.  He can
 tell he's driving her crazy!  He's never had it so good.

 The next morning, he's golfing with the Japanese ambassador,
 and he makes a birdie.  He suddenly remembers the word that
 the woman yelled at what must have been the moment of
 climax the night before, and he yells it out.  The ambassador
 looks at him rather oddly, looks at the pin, and says, "no,
 that was the right hole..."

 The phrase may also have been 'Achii Hi, Achii Hi!', 'Ben-wah,
 or Ben-wah'.

Subj:     Arizona Golf Course Sigh (S77, S669)
          From: Tom_Adams in 1998

 (Also see 'Golf Rules' in GOLF3)

 Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale,

 10.  Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
  9.  Form a loose grip.
  8.  Keep your head down.
  7.  Avoid a quick back swing.
  6.  Stay out of the water.
  5.  Try not to hit anyone.
  4.  If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
  3.  Don't stand directly in front of others.
  2.  Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
  1.  Don't take extra strokes.

  Well done.  Now flush the urnal, go outside, and tee off.

Subj:     Distracting Your Instructor
          From: RDOBRY in 2006 (S518b)

 You can view this cute golf picture by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Golfing Lawyer Meets Beautiful Babe (S17, S603)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #167

 This lawyer was so fanatical about his golf game that he
 played every day.  One morning after he has competed the
 first hole and was just about ready to tee off on the
 second, he noticed the most gorgeous woman he had ever
 seen putting alone on the first green.

 The lawyer waited until the woman had reached the second
 tee and asked if she would like to join him, and they could
 finish together.  To his surprise the woman agreed, and
 they played the remaining holes.  Not only was this woman
 beautiful, she was also a good golfer.

 When they completed their round, the lawyer told the woman
 that, not only was he a lawyer, but he was also a cordon
 bleu chef and wine buff.  He invited her back to his place
 for a meal and a few drinks.

 The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back
 at the house, the lawyer cooked a magnificent meal. In fact
 it was more than just cooking; it was a performance to behold.
 They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation. After
 the meal, the woman repaid the lawyer with the best oral sex
 he had ever experienced.

 The lawyer was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman
 that he desired her to no end.  He then asked if she would
 like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed.
 Once again, they enjoyed a great game of golf together, a
 magnificent evening meal, and once more the lawyer received
 sensational oral sex.

 This went on for three weeks, when the lawyer finally said,
 "Listen, the golf and the company has been fantastic!  But,
 there is only so much oral sex a man can take.  When are we
 going to go at it?"

 "We can't." said the woman. "Why not?" cried the lawyer.
 "Because I'm a transvestite." replied the woman.

 "YOU BITCH!" screamed the lawyer. "I can't believe you have
 been playing off the LADIES' TEES FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS!!!"

Subj:     Christmas Day Golfing (S417)
          From: JokesUncut in 2005

 (Also see 'Four Married Golfer's Problems' below)

 Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and
 one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas
 morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go
 directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a

 His buddies all chimed in and said,

 "Let's do it!  We'll make it a  priority, figure out a way,
 and meet here early Christmas morning."

 Months later, that special morning arrives, and there
 they are on the golf course!

 The first guy says,

 "Boy, this game cost me a fortune!  I bought my wife
 such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

 Number 2 guy says,

 "I spent a ton, too.  My wife is at home planning the
 cruise I gave her.  She was up to her eyeballs in

 Number 3 guy says,

 "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading
 the manual."

 They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring
 at them like they have lost their minds.

 "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf
 game.  I woke the wife up early, gave her a couple of
 pinches and a wink, and said,

 'Well, babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex
 or golf, '.... and she said.....

 "Take your sweater."

Subj:     Lady Golfer Stung By Bee
          From: darrell94590
..........in 2006 (S482b)

 You can view this joke with picture by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Guy And His Wife Shoot A Round Of Golf (S164, DU)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com in 2000

 Guy is constantly being bugged by his wife to take her golfing.
 Finally he gives in.  Not wanting to be seen by his buddies,
 he takes her to a course on the outskirts of town located next
 to an old farm.  About the 5th hole he slices to the right and
 the ball lands right in front of a barn which now stands between
 the ball and the hole.  Although he did not have a clear shot to
 the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the
 shack, and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened,
 he might be able to hit through.

 Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go around to the
 other side and open the far door.  Sure enough, this gave him a
 clear path to the green.  He stepped up to his ball and prepared
 to hit.  His wife had been standing by the far door, waiting for
 him to hit through.  After a moment, she became curious and stuck
 her head in the doorway to see what he was doing.  At that exact
 moment, the husband cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square
 on the forehead, killing her instantly.

 Two years later, he's playing the same course with a bunch of
 guys and he slices the ball to the same spot on the same hole.
 When one of his pals suggests he open the barn doors and hit the
 ball through.

 The man replies, "I tried that last time, it was a disaster."

 "Why, what happened?" his friend asked.

 "I had a bloody seven."

Subj:     Golfer Dies On The Course (DU)

 One night a man returns home well after dark after having
 supposedly left at 6:30 that morning to play golf.  His
 wife is furious and demands to know where he's been.

 "Well, I got up this morning at 6:30, went to the car and
 it wouldn't start.  So I called Frank to drive and it was
 7:15 until he could pick me up.  On our way to the course,
 Frank gets a flat tire so we have to walk 8 miles to the
 nearest station to get someone to help us.  By the time we
 finally get going again, it's 10:30.  When we get to the
 course, there is a seniors group going off so we have to
 wait two hours before we can tee off."

 "Yeah, but that was still almost eleven hours ago!" his
 wife nagged.

 "Well, we were playing along when on the fifth hole a golf
 ball comes whizzing by and strikes Frank in the head,
 killing him.  So for the next thirteen holes, its hit the
 ball, drag Frank, hit the ball, drag Frank, hit the ball."

Subj:     The Wizard of Id (S607b)
          by Parker and Hart in 2008
Drawing from Creators.com
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/wizardofid/2008/08/21

 You can view this cute comic strip by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Golfer Hurt On Course (S15, S563)
          From: RFSlick in 2002

 A man staggers into an emergency room with two black
 eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.
 Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.  "Well, it
 was like this," said the man.  "I was having a quiet
 round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into
 a pasture of cows."

 "We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I
 noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear

 "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough,
 there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle
 of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

 "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

 "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this
 looks like yours!'"

Subj:     Golfer Stranded On Island (S389, S599b)
          From: Anonymous Jr in 2004

 (Also see 'Scotsman Washed Ashore On A Island' in SCOTTISH)

 This man got stranded on an island in the middle of the
 ocean.  For eleven years, he was stuck there until, one
 day, he saw a liferaft in the lagoon.  He watched with
 excitement as a very attractive young woman got out of the
 raft and waded to the shore, her wet and tattered dress
 gripping her curvaceous body.

 It seems that her ship hit the coral reef near the island
 during the previous night while a big party was going
 onboard and the woman had just enough time to jump into the
 raft with her purse before the ship quickly sank.

 The man, overjoyed at seeing another person, blurts out his
 whole story about how he managed to live on the island
 alone, how he learned to live off the land, surviving by
 his wits.

 "How long did you say you've been on this island?" she

 "Eleven long years," he replied.

 "How long has it been since you had a smoke?  Care for one?"
 she then asked as she pulled a cigarette out of her purse.

 "Oh yes, indeed!" exclaimed the man.

 The woman handed the man a cigarette, who smoked it with
 great relish.

 "How long has it been since you had a drink?" asked the

 "Eleven long years!" replied the poor man.

 The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a flask
 with some liquor in it and handed it to the man who drank
 it with a sigh.

 "Gee, I just realized.  You've been on this island for
 eleven years and I guess you haven't had any human contact
 or intimacy all this time...how long has it been since you
 played around?" asked the woman then with a wolfish grin on
 her face.

 "Well, eleven long years also" the man replied with a smile.

 The woman, with a sexy gaze, began to unzip her dress and
 dropped her purse onto the ground.

 "Holy smokes!" exclaimed the very excited man.  "Don't tell
 me you have a set of golf clubs in there, too!!!!"

Subj:     Coming Between A Couple...
          From: mrx in 2004
..........(S387b, in Drawing)
 Source: (Removed by ezines4all.com/)

 You can view this cute cartoon by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Golf Pro Teaches Sweet Young Thing (DU)

 The golf pro was teaching some sweet young thing how to golf.
 He was standing behind here holding her arms showing her how
 to swing the club.  Suddenly, his belt buckle got stuck in
 the cloth of her shorts and wouldn't come loose. "Don't worry,
 I've got a pair of pliers back at the clubhouse and I'll have
 us loose in a jiffy."

 So there they were walking back to front toward the clubhouse
 when a dog saw them.  The dog took one look, and then went
 racing around the side of the clubhouse, and coming back,
 threw a bucket of water on them.

Subj:     Famous Men (S605b)

 Did you know who in 1923 was:
 1. president of the largest steel company?
 2. President of the largest gas company?
 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
 4. Greatest wheat speculator?
 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
 6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

 These men should have been considered some of the world's most
 successful men.  At least they found the secret of making money.
 Now more then 55 years later, do you know what has become of
 these men?

 1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab,
    died a pauper.
 2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson,
    is insane.
 3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released
    from prison to die at home.
 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad,
 5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot
 6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of

 The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf
 championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA
 Tournaments.  Today he is still playing golf and is solvent.


Subj:     Golf/Miles (S610b)
          From: tom in 2008

 A recent study found the average golfer walks about
 900 miles a year.

 Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22
 gallons of alcohol a year.

 That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles
 to the gallon.

 Kind of makes you proud.  Almost feel like a hybrid.

Subj:     Beetle Bailey Sunday Comic Strip
          by Mort Walker in 2008 (S611c)
 Source: http://comicskingdom.com/beetle-bailey-1

 This Beetly Bailey Sunday comic strip discusses changing
 clothing fashion.  You can read it by clicking 'HERE'.

                           -(o o)-
.............................From Smiley_Central