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Subj:     Golf3 Jokes
                 (Includes 93 jokes and articles, 04 1038,7,cf,vYT1a,3)
 
 

          Click "Here" for Golf-Supp


Golf Swing from
Millanimations
Includes the following:  B.C. Cartoon (DU in Supp)
.........................Husband And Wife Go Golfing - Video (S869 in Supp)
.........................Mickelson's Best Still To Come - Web Page (S906 in Supp)
.........................My Wife Won't Like It (S865 in Supp)
.........................David Feherty's Funny Golf Quotes And Videos (S846 - Supp)
.........................Nike Golf: No Cup Is Safe - Video (S836 in Supp)
.........................The Dreaded Phone Call... (S847 in Supp)
.........................Natalie Gulbis Plays Hacky Sack Golf - Video (S1038 - Supp)
.........................OTL: Veteran's Golf - Video (S843 in Supp)
.........................Every Shot Imaginable - Video (S822 in Supp)
.........................The Privilege Of Playing Golf! (S837 in Supp)
.........................The VILLAGES Fl - Town of.Custom Golf Carts - (S751 -Supp)
.........................Bundaberg Rum's Golf Ad - Video (S730 in Supp)
.........................Lee Trevino Mows His Lawn (S761 in Supp)
.........................No Arms Athlete - Butch Lumpkin - Videp (S658 in Supp)
.........................Penn And Teller Putting Trick - Video (S690 in Supp)
.........................Sergio Garcia's Golf Shot From A Tree - Video (S850 - Supp)
.........................God Helps An Old Golfer (S672b in Supp)
.........................Actual Calls Received At A Public Golf Course (S716b -Supp)
.........................Facts On Golf (S47, DU in Supp)
.........................Mother Goose And Grimm (S987)
.........................Facts On Golf II (S571b in Supp)
.........................Ripley's Believe It Or Not! (S675b in Supp)
.........................
.........................Frank and Ernest On Golf - Cartoon (S601c)
.........................Tiger Woods Jokes - Videos/Etc (S670b)
.........................Ed And Nance Met On A Cruise Ship (S131B, S802)
.........................Why Golf Is Better Than Sex..... (S492b)
.........................Golfing Realities (S467b)
.........................Callaway Golf Commercial - Video (S667)
.........................Actual Caddy Quotes (S455b)
.........................A Series Of Unfortunate Events (S455, S767)
.........................Golfing Parrot - Video (S536b)
.........................Golfer Looses Ball In Ravine (S396, S616)
.........................Riddle-100 Golfers In Match Play (S393b)
.........................Using The Women's Tee (S330b, S579)
.........................Golfer Gets Robot Caddie (S306, S587b)
.........................Fanatic Golfer Has Bad Weather (S234, S458)
.........................Mother Nature And The Golfers (S232, DU)
.........................Learning To Play Golf (S617)
.........................Rules For Bedroom Golf (S308, S612)
.........................Golf Quotations (S507b)
 ........................Short Golf Jokes
..............................The Golfer's Dilemma - Video (S898 in Supp)
..............................24 Golf Signs (S861 in Supp)
..............................Practicing High-lob Shots - Video (S860 in Supp)
..............................Unique Golf Invention (S793 in Supp)
.............................."The Game" By Robert 'Buck' Brown (S780 in Supp)
..............................Shoe Comic Strip II (S774 in Supp)
..............................The Big Daddy Golf Driver - Video (S753 in Supp)
..............................The Golf Swing Made Easy (S746 in Supp)
..............................Hagar Sunday Comic Strip (S732 in Supp)
..............................Shoe Comic Strip (S722 in Supp)
..............................Robin Williams Jokes About Golf - Video (S674 in Supp)
..............................Fred Astaire Dancing And Golfing - Video (S673 in Supp)
..............................Putting Game (S662b in Supp)
..............................B.C. Sunday Comic Strip (S919 in Supp)
..............................Popsicle Stick Riddle (S806 in Supp)
..............................
..............................Frank And Ernest Play Golf (S508b)
..............................Golfer Needs Dentures (S460b)
..............................BC on Golf (S464)
..............................Golf Gun Murder (S323, S514b)
..............................Golf Cource Sign (S461b)
..............................Jack Nicklaus On Golf (S322b)
..............................Worst Forsome In Golf (S305b, S588b)
..............................Golf Rules (S175)
..............................Stranded Golfer Meets Old Lady (S202, S349b)
..............................Three Deaf Retirees Play Golf (S353b)
..............................Four Senior Golfers Complain

GOLF1 and 2 file has best jokes
GOLF3 file contains jokes, oddities and Q/A
============================================================Top
Subj:     Frank and Ernest On Golf (S601c)
          By Bob Thaves on 7/18/2008
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/frank-and-ernest/2008/07/18
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Top
Subj:     Tiger Woods Jokes (S670b in Famous People2)
          From: tom on 12/2/2009
      and From: gaylevallejo on 12/2/2009
 Photo from TopNews.in

 Tiger Woods was injured in a car accident at 2:30 AM
 Friday, Nov 27.  The Florida Highway Patrol said the
 33-year-old PGA star hit the hydrant and a tree after
 pulling out of his driveway in his SUV sports utility
 vehicle.  When the FHP arrived, Tiger was unconscious
 on the ground beside his Cadillac Escalade with cuts.
 The airbags did not deploy and Woods' wife told
 Windermere police she used a golf club to smash the
 back windows to help him out.

 Click 'HERE' for the latest Tiger Woods jokes including
 "The Wanda Sykes Show: Tiger Woods Car Accident"

Top
Subj:     Ed And Nancy Met On A Cruise Ship (S131B, S802)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com ON 7/29/99
      and From: tom on 5/22/2012
 Source: http://www.broadbandreports.com/forum/r27136180-Joke-Ed-Nancy.
 (Also see 'Golfer And His Bride On The Honeymoon' in Golf2)

 Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell
 head over heels for her.

 When they discovered they lived in the same city only a
 few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic.  He immediately started
 asking her out when they got home.

 Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance
 clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.  Ed
 became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and
 true love.  Every date seemed better than the last.

 On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the
 cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant.  While
 having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,
 "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you.
 I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship
 continues to the next stage.  So, before I get a box out
 of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's
 only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut.  I play golf,
 I read about golf, I watch golf on TV.  In short, I eat,
 sleep, and breathe golf.  If that's going to be a problem
 for us, you'd better say so now!"

 Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly
 won't be a problem.  I love you as you are and I love golf
 too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other,
 you need to know that for the last five years I've been a
 hooker."

 Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists
 straight when you hit the ball."

Top
Subj:     Why Golf Is Better Than Sex..... (S492b)
          From: fischer-j on 6/23/2006

 David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.

 #10...A below par performance is considered damn good.
  #9...You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger
       and a couple of beers.
  #8...It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
  #7...Foursomes are encouraged.
  #6...You can still make money doing it as a senior.
  #5...Three times a day is possible.
  #4...Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play
       with someone else.
  #3...If you live in Florida, you can do it almost everyday.
  #2...You don't have to cuddle with your partner when
       you're finished.
 And the number one reason why golf is better than sex.....
  #1...If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!

Top
Subj:     Golfing Realities (S467b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 12/28/2005

 * Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by
   the dozen, and every week you have to buy more.

 * A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to
   have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything
   in there.

 * It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the
   house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and
   rake his sand traps.

 * When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that
   it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than
   at 10:00 to mow the lawn?

 * It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain
   surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around
   on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing
   brain surgery.

 * A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer
   from giving up the game.

 * Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you
   always end up praying a lot.

 * A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse
   than you.

 * That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who
   feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

 * If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he
   shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

Top
Subj:     Callaway Golf Commercial (S667d) 
          From: brucejohnsonbaugh on 10/21/2009
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/OrhKS7BO0OY

 This Callaway Golf Commercial compares sex excitement to
 golf excitement. Click 'HERE' to see this cute, bedroom
 commercial.

Top
Subj:     Actual Caddy Quotes (S455b)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 10/10/2005

 (See "Frank and Ernest Play Golf" in this file)

 Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going
         to go drown myself in that lake."

 Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."

 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100
         on this course."

 Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."

 Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!

 Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."

 Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"

 Caddy: "Oh yes, sir!  You miss the ball much closer than
        you used to."

 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time,
         caddy. It's distracting!"

 Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"

 Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play
         golf on Sunday?"

 Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day
        of the week!"

 Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."

 Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."

 Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy.  It looks
         far too old."

 Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."

 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"

 Caddy: "Eventually."

 Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy
        in the world!"

 Caddy: "I doubt it.  That would be too much of
        a coincidence!"

Top
Subj:     A Series Of Unfortunate Events (S455, S767)
          From: DoctorDebt on 10/9/2005
      and From: virv on 9/28/2011

 At dawn the telephone rings.

 "Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your
  country house."

 "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

 "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your
 parrot died.

 "My parrot? Dead?  The one that won the International
 competition?"

 "Si, Senor,that's the one."

 "Damn! That's a pity!  I spent a small fortune on that bird.
  What did he die from?"

 "From eating rotten meat, Senor"

 Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

 "Nobody, Senor.  He ate the meat of  the dead horse."

 "Dead horse?  What dead horse?"

 "The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky.  He died from all that work
  pulling the water cart."

 "Are you insane?  That animal was a racehorse not a donkey -
  What water cart?"

 "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

 "Good Lord!  What fire are you talking about, man?"

 "The one at your house, Senor!  A candle fell and the curtains
  caught on fire and burned the house to the ground."

 "What the.....!!!  But there's electricity at the house!!!
  What was the candle for?"

 "For the funeral, Senor."

 "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

 "Your wife's, Senor...  She showed up one night out of the
 blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your
 new Ping G15 204 g titanium head golf club with the TFC
 149D graphite shaft."

 DEAD SILENCE...................

 "Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

Top
Subj:     Golfing Parrot (S536b in Birds-Parrots)
          From: edapsmas on 4/27/2007
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/V6Fxclwdfxc

 This is a cute video of a parrot playing minizature golf.
 Clicking 'HERE' to view it.

Top
Subj:     Golfer Looses Ball In Ravine (S396, S616)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 8/26/2004

 One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing.  Ben
 slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine.  He grabs his
 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in
 search of his ball.

 Ben searches diligently throughout the thick underbrush
 and suddenly he spots something shiny.  As he gets closer,
 he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in
 the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

 Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas,
 come here, I got big trouble down here."

 Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and
 calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"

 Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron!
 Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

Top
Subj:     Riddle-100 Golfers In Match Play (S393b)
          From: LABLaughsRiddles on 8/6/2004
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com/)

 There are 100 golfers in the local match play contest.  If
 a player loses a match, he is immediately eliminated from
 the contest. How many matches will be played to determine
 the winner?

x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x

 If there is to be only one winner, than there are 99 loses,
 therefore there were 99 matches.  You can also do this with
 math: in round 1 there would be 50 matches to produce 50
 winners, round 2 would have 25 matches to produce 25 winners,
 round 3 would have 12 matches to produce 12 winners (one
 person of the 25 winners would have to wait until later to
 play again), round 4 would have 6 matches to produce 6
 winners, round 5 would have 3 matches to produce 3 winners,
 round 6 would have 2 matches (the player left out before
 would now play to make it an even field) to produce 2
 winners, these 2 would play for the championship. So:
 50+25+12+6+3+2+1=99

Top
Subj:     Using The Women's Tee (S330b, S579)
          From: RFSlick on 5/23/2003
      and From: tom on 2/20/2008

 It was a sunny Saturday morning on the first hole of
 a busy course.  I was beginning my pre-shot routine,
 visualizing my upcoming shot when a voice came over
 the Clubhouse speaker: " Would the gentleman on the
 women's tee back up to the men's tee".

 I could feel every eye on the course looking at me.  I
 was still in my routine, seemingly impervious to the
 interruption.  Again came an announcement from the
 Clubhouse.  "Would the man on the woman's tee kindly
 back up to the men's tee".

 I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when
 once more the speaker blared out its message.  "Would
 the man on the woman's tee, please back up to the men's
 tee".  I finally stopped, turned, looked through the
 clubhouse window, directly at the person with the
 microphone, cupped my hands over my mouth, and shouted
 back. "Would the asshole in the clubhouse kindly shut
 up and let me play my second shot."

Top
Subj:     Golfer Gets Robot Caddie (S306, S587b)
          From: flovilla on 12/11/2002
      and From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/17/2008

 A man goes to a public golf course.  He approaches the man
 behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like
 18 holes of golf and a caddie,"

 The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is
 no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course.
 What I will do for you is this..  We just got 8 brand new
 robot golf caddies.  If you're willing to take one with
 you out on the course and if you will come back and tell
 me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today!"

 The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.  He
 approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said
 to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

 The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir.  Use
 your 3 wood.  A driver is far too much club for this hole."

 Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good
 contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet
 to the right front of the hole on the green.  The golfer,
 delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his
 assistance.

 As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think
 this green is gonna break left to right."

 The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir.  I do
 believe this green will break right to left."

 Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his
 prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.
 He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot
 and his advice.  But his luck didn't end there!

 His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks
 to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie!  Upon
 returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter
 asked, "How was your game?"

 The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever
 played.  Thank you very much for letting me take one of
 your robots. See you next week!"

 A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the
 pro shop.  Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the
 man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes
 of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please!"

 The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man
 and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem.  However,
 we had to get rid of the robots.  We had too many
 complaints."

 Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS?  Who in the hell
 could've complained about those robots?  They were
 incredible!"

 The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance.
 It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare
 from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the
 fairway."

 The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them
 black?"

 The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Three of 'em
 didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one was
 arrested for dealing drugs, and the other two robbed the
 pro shop!"

Top
Subj:     Fanatic Golfer Has Bad Weather (S234, S458)
          From: thebartend on 7/23/2001
      and From: darrell94590 on 11/2/2005

 (Also see 'Fisherman And The Rain' in Fishing2)

 There's a fellow who is an avid golfer.  Actually he's a
 golf fanatic.  Every Saturday morning he has an early tee
 time.  He gets up early and eager, and golf's all day long,
 even 36 holes sometimes.

 Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses
 quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to
 his car to drive to the course.  Coming out of his garage
 rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour.
 There is also snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is
 blowing 50 mph.  He returns to the garage.

 He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the
 weather channel.  He finds  it's going to be bad weather
 all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet,
 quietly undresses and slips back into bed.  There he
 cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different kind
 of anticipation than golf, and whispers, "The weather out
 there is terrible."

 To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid
 husband is out golfing."

Top
Subj:     Mother Nature And The Golfers (S232, DU)
          From: gheckman on 7/8/2001

 (See 'Johnny Kicks The Animals' in FARMER1)

 Toward the end of the golf course, Fred hit his ball into
 the woods.  Harry, his partner, had laughed and poked fun,
 but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods,
 just a few yards beyond.  Fred looked for a long time,
 getting angrier every minute.

 Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found
 his ball.  Instead of just continuing the game, he took his
 club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.

 All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old
 woman appeared.  She said, "I'm Mother Nature!  Do you know
 how long it took me to make those buttercups?  Just for
 that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest
 of your life!  Better still; you won't have any butter for
 your toast for the rest of your life!  As a matter of fact,
 you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your
 life!"  Then POOF!...she was gone.

 After Fred got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend,
 "Harry!....Harry!...Where are you?"

 Harry yells, "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

 Fred screams back, "DON'T SWING! FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWING!"

Top
Subj:     Learning To Play Golf (S617)

 I believe this one is best done with a bit'a the brogue
 after a wee sip.  Me wife says to me one day, "Tain't it
 about time you learned to play this golf thing that all
 the other husbands are play'n?"

 So I goes next door and says to me neighbor, "Can you teach
 me to play golf?"

 He: "Sure. Have you got any balls and club?"

 Me: "?.....of course. Why?"

 H: "Well bring'em to the club house tomorrow and
 we'll T-off."

 M: "?T-off?  Whats this T-off?"

 H: "Oh, it's just a golf term and we'll T-off right next
    to the clubhouse."

 M: "Look, you T-off where ever you want to but I'll T-off
    in private if you don't mind."

 H: "(chuckle) No no, a T's that little thing about the
    size of your little finger."

 M: (them damn women been talk'n again)

 H: "Look, the first thing you do is stick you T in the
    ground and put you ball on top of it."

 M: "Oh, this is sit down game?"

 H: "No, your standing up when you put your ball on the T."

 M: "Is'nt that stretch'n things a bit far"?

 H: "No. You got a bag to go along with your balls'n clubs"?

 M: "?.....of course. Why?"

 H: "Zippered bag or velcro"?

 M: "?...........neither."

 H: "Oh, well how do you hold you club"?

 I: "Two fingers."

 H: "No, no.  That's not right.  Look let me get around
    behind you like this. Now spread your feet apart a bit.
    Bend over a bit.  Now I'll put my arms around you and
    show you how to swing."

 M: "Damn man, I spent six years in the Navy and I know what
    you got on your mind.

 H: "Ok, look, you take your club and swing it over your
    shoulder..."

 M: "No, no, that's me brother Jimmy you be think'n of."

 H: "...and you hit your ball with it and it'll soar and soar."

 M: "I can well believe that."

 H: "Then when your on the green..."

 M: "What's the green thing"?

 H: "Ah, that's where the hole is."

 M: "You color blind"?

 H: "No, why"?  "...anyway, when you get there, you take
    your putter..."

 M: "Whats a putter"?

 H: "Smallest club made."

 M: (Damn that woman, just can't keep her mouth shut).

 H: "...and with it you put the ball in the hole."

 M: "You mean the putter"?

 H: "No, the ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball
    and the putter."

 M: "Well, that's when I knew he didn't know what he was
    talk'n about.  Cuz I seen holes big enough for a horse-
    n-wagon."

 H: "Then after the first hole, you go on to the next 17."

 M: "I quit.  Takes me 18 days to make one hole.  Besides,
    how would I know when I in the 18th one"?

 H: "Why, the holes got a flag in it."

 M: Sheeez!

Top
Subj:     Golf Rules (S175)
          From: RFSlick on 5/8/2002

 (Also see 'Top 10 Suggestions For Men Who Golf Or
............Use Public Restrooms:' in GOLF1)

 THIS SIGN WAS POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB

  1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
  2. Form a loose grip.
  3. Keep your head down.
  4. Avoid a quick back swing.
  5. Stay out of the water.
  6. Try not to hit anyone.
  7. If you are taking too long, please let others
     go ahead of you.
  8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
  9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
 10. Don't take extra strokes.

 Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
 

Top
Subj:     Rules For Bedroom Golf (S308, S612)
          From: thebartend on 12/23/2002
      and From: LABLaughsAdult on 9/17/2008

  1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play,
     normally one club  and two balls.
  2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
  3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in
     the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
  4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm
     shaft.  Course owners are permitted to check the shaft
     for firmness before play begins.
  5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length
     of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
  6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as
     necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play
     is complete.  Failure to do so may result in being
     denied permission to play on the course again.
  7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole
     immediately upon arrival at the course.  Experienced
     player will normally take time to admire the entire
     course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
  8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses
     they have playe or are currently playing to the owner
     of the course being played.  Upset course owners have
     been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
  9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along,
     just in case.
 10. Players should assure themselves that their match has
     been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course
     is being played for the first time.  Previous players
     have been known to become irate if they discover someone
     else is playing what they consider to be a private course.
 11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play
     at all times.  Some players may be embarrassed if they
     find the course is temporarily under repair.  Players
     are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.
     More advanced players will find alternate means of play
     when this is the case.
 12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners
     permission before attempting to play the back nine.
 13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be
     prepared to proceed at quicker pace, at least
     temporarily, at course owner's request.
 14. It is considered outstanding performance, time
     permitting, to play the same hole several times in
     one match.
 15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is
     the best player.
 16. The course's owner is responsible for the manicuring
     and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for
     improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to
     the hole.
 17. It is considered bad form to reveal your score to
     other players, or even that you have played the course.
 *HINT- Players are advised to think twice before
     considering membership at a given course.  Additional
     assessments may be levied by the owner and the rules
     are subject to change.  For this reason, many players
     prefer to continue to play several different courses.

Top
Subj:     Golf Quotations (S507b)
          From: darrell94590 on 10/5/2006

 One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you
 seldom lose a bowling ball.  -- Don Carter

 You can make a lot of money in this game.  Just ask my
 ex-wives.  Both if them are so rich that neither of
 their husbands work.  -- Lee Trevino

 The great thing about starting golf in your forties is that
 you can start golf in your forties.  You can start other
 things in your forties but generally your wife makes you
 stop them, as Bill Clinton found out.  (probably a Republican)

 There are two things you can do with your head down, play
 golf and pray.  -- Lee Trevino

 A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked
 an interesting question: "IS THE WORD SPELT P-U-T OR P-U-T-T?"
 she asked the instructor.  "P-U-T-T IS CORRECT," he replied
 "PUT MEANS TO PLACE A THING WHERE YOU WANT IT.  PUTT MEANS
 MERELY A VAIN ATTEMPT TO DO THE SAME THING."

 Art said he wanted to get more distance.  I told him to hit
 it and run backwards.  -- Ken Venturi, on Art Rosenbaum

 I read the greens in Spanish, but putt in English.
   -- Chi Chi Rodriguez

 The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.
   -- Bruce Lansky

 Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are
 those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
   (unknown)

 I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.
   -- Buddy Hackett

 Relax?  How can anybody relax and play golf?  You have to
 grip the club, don't you?  -- Ben Hogan

 My body is here, but my mind has already teed off.

 Golf is what you play when you're too out of shape to play
 softball.

 I found out that all the important lessons of life are
 contained in the three rules for achieving a perfect golf
 swing:
    1. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
    2. FOLLOW THROUGH.
    3. BE BORN WITH MONEY

From: drgolfmd on 5/7/2007 (S538c)

 Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your
 foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.
   -- Grantland Rice

 Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child.  Just how
 childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent
 inability to count past five.  -- John Updike

 It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the
 world is when one is playing golf.  -- Robert Lynd

 If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball,
 the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
   -- Horace G. Hutchinson

 They say golf is like life, but don't believe them.  Golf
 is more complicated than that.  -- Gardner Dickinson

 If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as
 they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.  -- Sam Snead

 Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
   -- William Wordsworth

 If you drink, don't drive.  Don't even putt.  -- Dean Martin

 If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw
 it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to
 waste energy going back to pick it up.  -- Tommy Bolt

 Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally
 responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.  -- Bishop Sheen

 I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes
 they'd come up sliced.  -- Arnold Palmer

 My handicap?  Only woods and irons.  -- Chris Codiroli

 The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody
 would put a flag stick on top.  -- Pete Dye

 I'm hitting the woods just great but having a terrible
 time getting out of them!  -- Buddy Hackett

 The only time my prayers are never answered is when I'm
 playing golf.  -- Billy Graham

 If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up
 the wrong golf ball.  -- Jack Lemmon

 It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls
 while they are still rolling.  -- Mark Twain

 Don't play too much golf.  Two rounds a day are plenty.
   -- Harry Vardon

 Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without
 being good at either of them.  -- Jimmy Demaret

 May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
   -- Ben Hogan

 If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a
 hook.  If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.  -- All Us Hackers

 The difference in golf and government is that in golf you
 can't improve your lie.  -- George Deukmejian

 Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music
 comes out of a bagpipe.  -- Lee Trevino

From: tom on 6/1/2009 (S647b)

 The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest
 cart never has to play the bad lie.  -- Mickey Mantle

 Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win
 20% of the time, you're the best  -- Jack Nicklaus

 The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf.
 It's almost a law.  -- H G Wells

 If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's
 recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.  -- Bob Hope


Subj:     Short Golf Jokes
 

Top
Subj:     Frank And Ernest Play Golf (S508b)
          By Bob Thaves on 10/18/2006
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/frankandernest/2006/10/18
 You can view this cute cartoon by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:    Golfer Needs Dentures (S460b)
         From: Joke-of-the-Day-Mail.com on 11/16/2005
 A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going
 to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.

 His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a
 few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do
 a good job?"

 "Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the
 ninth hole hooked a shot," he said.

 "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the
 stomach.

 That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth
 didn't hurt."
 

Top
Subj:     BC on Golf (S464)
          By Johnny Hart on 12/11/2005
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com/)
 You can view this comic strip by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Golf Gun Murder (S323, S514b)
          From: RFSlick on 4/2/2003
      and From: cappucinid on 11/27/2006
 Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of
 Juan Gonzalez.  "How was he killed?" asked one detective.
 "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf
 gun?!  What is a golf gun?"  "I don't know. But it sure
 made a hole in Juan."
 

Top
Subj:     Golf Cource Sign (S461b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 11/18/2005
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com/)
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Top
Subj:     Jack Nicklaus On Golf (S322b)
          From: jtgalvan on 3/29/2003
 A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus.

 He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is
 synonymous with the game of golf. You really know
 your way around the course. What is your secret?"

 To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"
 

Top
Subj:     Worst Forsome In Golf (S305b, S588b)
          From: gheckman on 12/3/2002
      and From: tom on 4/23/2008
  1. Monica Lewinski
  2. O.J.Simpson
  3. Ted Kennedy
  4. Bill Clinton

  Why you ask?  well......
  1. Monica is a hooker
  2. O.J. is a slicer
  3. Ted can't drive over water, and.....
  4. Bill can't remember which hole he played last.
 

Top
Subj:     Stranded Golfer Meets Old Lady (S202, S349b)
          From: mbucher on 12/14/2000
      and From: JBCARY1 on 9/30/2003
 A golfer whose cart broke down flagged down a passing bus
 and got aboard.  He sat down on the bus, with his pants
 pockets full of golf balls, next to a little old lady.

 The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and
 his bulging pockets.  Finally, after many such glances
 from her he said, "It's golf balls,"

 The little old lady continued to look at him thoughtfully
 and finally said, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?
 

Top
Subj:     Three Deaf Retirees Play Golf (S353b)
          From: woneye on 11/7/2003
 Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf
 one fine March day.  One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't
 it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."  And the
 third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
 

Top
Subj:     Four Senior Golfers Complain
          From: RFSlick on 98-10-25
 A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning
 enthusiasm for the sport.  "These hills are getting steeper
 as the years go by," one complained.  "These fairways seem
 to be getting longer too," said one of the others.  The
 sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,"
 said the third senior.
 After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest,
 and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped
 up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right
 side of the grass!"
 

 Two guys are playing golf when one says, "Did you hear about Bill?"
   "No," said the other. "What about him?"
   "He went nuts and beat his wife to death with a golf club."
   "God, that's awful."
   They were quiet for a moment and then the friend asks,
   "How many strokes?"

 He was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of
 golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench
 fighting his way out of the rough, when his caddy coughed
 during a 12-inch putt.  The duffer exploded.  "You've got to
 be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.
 "I doubt it," replied the caddy.  "That would be too much of
 a coincidence."

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #27
 I was playing golf one time and I hit my shot into a field
 of buttercups.  It was so beautiful that I decided to take a
 drop and not damage the field.  After doing this a voice came
 out of the sky and said, "My son, that was very magnanimous
 and as a reward I'm going to give you a lifetime supply of
 butter."
 I said, "Thanks a lot, but where were you on the last hole
 when I hit my ball into that field of pussywillows?"

 Golf:  The game where ya gotta get it up to get it in.

 Why did the golfer wear two pairs of shoes?
 In case he got a hole in one.

 Do you know why they call it golf?
 All the other four letter words were taken.

 All morning, the American businessman talks about golf in
 his office.  The rest of the day, he discusses work on
 the golf course.

 In Africa, some of the native tribes have a custom of
 beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine chilling
 cries.  Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-
 expression.  In America, we call it golf.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #22
 A foursome of ladies was standing on a tee when a streaker
 ran across the fairway in front of them.  One lady asks,
 "Is that Dick Green?"  Another replied, "No, I think it's
 just the reflection off of the grass."

 Pressure is playing for $50 a hole with only $5 in your pocket.
  --  Lee Trevino

 Every time I look at the ball, I see my ex-wife.  --  John
 Daly, explaining why he can hit a golf ball farther than
 anyone else on the pro tour.

 Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives
 of some of our most useless citizens.  --  Bob Hope

 The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes
 they would not be caught dead in otherwise.  --  Roger Simon

 If you want to take long walks, take long walks.  If you
 want to hit things with a stick, hit things with a stick.
 But there's no excuse for combining the two and putting the
 results on TV.  Golf is not so much a sport as an insult to
 lawns.  --  National Lampoon

From: auntieg 98-05-09
 There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

From: RFSlick on 98-05-27
 One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what!
    I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
 The other replies: "GREAT trade!"

From: KMacinty on 8/24/99 (S134)
 "Hockey is a sport for white men.  Basketball is a sport
 for black men.  Golf is a sport for white men dressed like
 black pimps."  -- Tiger Woods

From: KMACINTY on 8/13/2002 (S289b)
 US TV Commentator, "One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer]
 is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife
 takes out his balls and kisses them, oh my God, what have I
 just said?"

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/26/2002 (S288b)
 "Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man
  who is playing golf with his boss."  -- Jim Murray.

From: LABLaughs.com on 2/10/2003 (S315b)
 It was the worst round of golf that I've ever played.
 All I hit were two good balls, and that was because
 I stepped on a rake!

From: pns on 2/14/2003 (S319)
 Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,
 it was called witchcraft...............  Today, it's
 called golf.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 7/5/2005 (S440b)
 In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled
 Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word
 GOLF entered into the English language.

From: igiggle on 1/10/2006 (S468b)
 You've got just one problem.  You stand too close to the
 ball - after you've hit it.  -- Sam Snead

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 6/10/2006 (S490b)
 "Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball
  into a even smaller hole, with weapons singularly
  ill-designed for the purpose."  -- Winston Churchill
 

 Q: What's the best thing to do if you get caught out on a
    golf course in a lightning storm?
 A: Hold a one iron over your head because even God can't
    hit a one iron.

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #195 (S183)
 and From: RFSlick on 7/31/00
 Q: What do you call 100 white guys chasing a black guy?
 A: Years ago, they called it the Ku Klux Klan.
 A: Today they call it the PGA Tour!

From: RFSlick on 7/8/99 (S128)
 Q: What's the hardest thing about playing golf with your wife?
 A: Having to say, "Great shot, Honey!" 142 times.

From: JBCARY1 on 8/22/2001 (S238)
 Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer
    and a bad skydiver?
 A: A bad golfer goes whack, damn.
    A bad skydiver goes damn, whack.

From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/23/2005 (S434b)
 Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris??
 A: Men will spend hours looking for a golf ball.

                            \\\//
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............................From Smiley_Central.
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