Subj: Carnac Jokes
(Includes 60 jokes, 13822,2,cf,md,1)
Also see FOOTBALL-SUPP- 'Football
Like It Was' - Movie
MOVIES-SUPP2 - 'Johnny Carson and Dom deLuise' - Movie
......................- 'George Gobel On The Johnny Carson Show' - Movie
MOVIES2 file - 'Johnny Carson Takes A Japanese Bath' - Movie
......................- 'Johnny Carson As Ronald Reagan' - Movie
......................- 'The Best Of Johnny Carson' - Movie
The Great Carnac was a 'Swami' routine
done by Johnny Carson
on late night television.
Johnny Carson Does Carnac the Magnificent
..........On 5/21/1974 (S822d)
Photo from ScrabbleSense.com
In this video, Carnac the Magnificent
discusses Three Dog Night,
and Mount Baldy on "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson"
in 1974. Click on the above source, or 'HERE' for my copy,
to see this very funny, seven minute skit.
Subj: Some Of The Best Of Carnac The Magnificent (S455b, S629b)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #125 on 98-05-20
| The Great Carnac
was a 'Swami' routine done
by Johnny Carson on late night television.
Johnny would foretell you the answer,
meditare and then say it's funny question.
Photo from SportsmanRevies.com...
QUESTION: What does an alligator get on welfare?
A: Bible belt.
Q: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants?
A: Milk and honey.
Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?
A: Clean air, a virgin and a
gas station open on Sunday.
Q: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.
A: Black and white and twenty
Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong.
A: Ben Gay.
Q: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?
A: An unmarried woman.
Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm
on June 1, 1952?
Q: What was dat hippie smoking?
A: The Laughing Policeman.
Q: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?
A: Dustin Hoffman.
Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.
A: Until he gets caught.
Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?
A: Old wives tale.
Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest?
Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?
Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?
Q: What does your skalli do when it's happy?
A: David Frost.
Q: On a cold morning what forms on your david?
A: Head and shoulders.
Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the
A: Hickory Dickory Dock.
Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your
A: "Rose Bowl."
Q: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the
A: That darn cat.
Q: Who ruined that darn rug?
A: High rollers.
Q: Describe a stoned bowling team.
A: Gunga din.
Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?
A: "Follow the yellow brick road."
Q: What are good directions to a urologist's office?
A: At both ends.
Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?
Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?
Q: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"?
A: Grape Nuts.
Q: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?
Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?
Q: What do crabs get high on?
Q: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and
The Towering Inferno.
A: Blazing Saddles.
Q: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?
Q: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper?
A: Deep freeze.
Q: Name an Eskimo porno film.
Q: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker?
Subj: The Best of Carnac (S687)
ANSWER: Nestea Plunge.
QUESTION: What does the president of Nestea use when his
toilet is stopped up?
A: Peter Pan.
Q: What do you use to fry a peter?
A: Mount Baldy.
Q: How do you play piggyback with Telly Savales?
A: The ZIP Code.
Q: What do CIA agents have to remember to go to the bathroom?
A: A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
Q: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H?
A: Short eyes.
Q: What do you get when you put Preperation H in your Murine?
Q: What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?
Q: What do you get on your fon if you leave it out all night?
Q: Name two words that have no meaning.
A: Executive action.
Q: What does a president look for in a singles bar?
Q: What is the total of Bo Derek and Phyllis Diller?
A: Trapper John
Q: What do you call an outhouse built on quicksand?
A: Mr. Coffee.
Q: Name the father of Mrs. Olsen's illegitamate baby.
Q: What would you find in Superman's bathroom?
A: Zippo Marx.
Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your Zippo?
Q: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?
Q: How does Howard Cosell call his toupee? "Oh, hair..."
A: Over 15 billion served.
Q: What will be written on the Happy Hooker's tombstone?
Q: What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy Kitchy?
A: Damnation Alley.
Q: What do they call the entrance to "The Gong Show"?
A: The American people.
Q: Name the loser in the 1976 presidential race.
A: A mule, a horse, Billy Carter.
Q: Name three things that go to the bathroom outdoors.
A: Once is not enough.
Q: What's the major cause of divorce?
A: "Leave it to Beaver."
Q: What did the dead raccoon say in his will?
A: Big Ben, Joe Nameth and the
candidates' campaign promises.
Q: Name a clock, a jock and a crock.
A: Bambi, the White House grounds
and the new TV season.
Q: Name a fawn, a lawn and a yawn.
A: Kirk Douglas, Terhan Bey and
Q: Name a Kirk, a Turk and a jerk.
From "Carson's Comedy
Classics," 12:00 midnight / 11:00
central weeknights on The Family Channel. Watch it,
you'll make Pat Robertson happy.
..........................Neon Smiley from GIFs Rubrik:Neon Smiley