English Language Supp Jokes
(Includes 49 jokes and articles, 16970,25,cf,vXT2,21)
Book and bird from
by John Graziano
From: Comics.com on 3/20/2009
"Weird Al" Yankovic - Word Crimes (S970d)
Created by alyankovicVEVO
From: Rosie Switzer on Facebook
Photo from YouTube.com...
to see Weird Al's parody of Robin Thicke's
"Blurred Lines." Grammar sticklers everywhere are in
George Carlin On Euphemistic Language
From: Wimp.com on 10/8/2011 (S769d)
In this stand-up routing from
1990, George Carlin discusses
euphemisms in the English language. A euphemism is the
substitution of an agreeable or inoffensive expression for
one that may offend or suggest something unpleasant; such
as using "eliminate" as a euphemism for "kill," or using
"post-traumatic stress disorder" as a euphemism for "shell
shock." Click 'HERE' to see this great video on our use
of the "Soft Language."
Subj: Complete Vs Finished (S855)
From: darrelldre on 5/29/2013
For the linguists among us...
No English dictionary has been
able to adequately explain the
difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent
linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by
some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a
Guyanese, was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this:
Some say there is no difference
between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference
between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you
are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are
FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
His answer was received with a standing ovation.
Do you ACTUALLY Know English? (S915)
Created By Jon Bumpus
From: DianeJames Malicki on Facebook
Find out if you're in good grammatical
standing with the
English language! Click on the above source to take this
not-so-easy, sixteen question test. I got eleven right.
Subj: Collective Nouns In The English Language (S765)
From: AFine963 on 8/30/2011
The English language has some
collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
We are all familiar with a Herd
of cows, a Flock of chickens,
a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese. However, less widely
known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their
cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and,
presumably because they look so wise a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most
dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least
intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective
noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not ....... a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains
the things that come out of
Going West By Maurice Gee (S706d)
From: Wimp.com on 7/25/2010
Photo from YouTube.com
Filmed for NewZeland Book Council
Produced by Agency: Colenso BBDO
Animated by Andersen M Studio
Design and animation: Line Andersen
Photography and lighting: Martin Andersen
Sound design: Mikkel H. Eriksen (Instrument Studio)
I put all the above credits in
this description, because
this video is absolutely amazing. Click 'HERE' to see
how to make a book come alive. The pages come to life
beautifully. This video is sinister, clever, and real art.
Subj: Find A 12 Letter Word (S555)
From: Puzzles And Brain Teasers on 9/5/2007
Find a common 12 letter English
word containing three P's,
two R's, two A's, one O, one E, one D, one T, and one other
The solution can be found at the source above.
Word Riddle... Amazing! (S528c,d)
From: gordonschuk on 3/1/2007
There is a common English word
that is nine letters long.
Each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains
an English word-from nine letters right down to a single
letter. What is the original word, and what are the words
that it becomes after removing one letter at a time?
This video is a riddle. You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Forgotten Words (S503b)
From: flovilla on 9/13/2006
I came across this phrase in
a book yesterday "FENDER SKIRTS."
A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about
"FENDER SKIRTS" started me thinking about other words that
quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.
Like "CURB FEELERS" and "STEERING
KNOBS". Since I'd been
thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first.
Kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50
to explain dome of these terms to you.
Remember "CONTINENTAL KITS?"
They were rear bumper extenders
and "SPARE TIRE COVERS" that were supposed to make any car
as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them
"EMERGENCY BRAKES?" At some
point "PARKING BRAKE" became the proper term. But I miss
the hint of drama that went with "EMERGENCY BRAKE".
I'm sad too, that almost all
the old folks are gone who
would call the "ACCELERATOR" the "FOOT FEED".
Didn't you ever wait at the street
for your daddy to come
home, so you could ride the "RUNNING BOARD" up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the
time in my youth but never
hear anymore - "STORE-BOUGHT." Of course, just about every-
thing is "STORE-BOUGHT" these days. But once it was bragging
material to have a "STORE-BOUGHT" dress or "STORE-BOUGHT" bag
"COAST TO COAST" is a phrase
that once held all sorts of
excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the
term "WORLD WIDE" for granted. This floors me.
On a smaller scale, "WALL-TO-WALL"
was once a magical term
in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her
hardwood floors with, wow "WALL-TO-WALL" carpeting! Today,
everyone replaces their "WALL-TO-WALL" carpeting with
hardwood floors. Go figure!
When's the last time you heard
the quaint phrase "IN A
FAMILY WAY?" It's hard to imagine that the word "PREGNANT"
was once considered a little too graphic, a little too
clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that
talk about stork visits and "BEING IN THE FAMILY WAY" or
Apparently "BRASSIERE" is a word
no longer in usage. I
said it the other day and my daughter cracked up, I guess
it's just "BRA" now "UNMENTIONABLES" probably wouldn't be
understood at all.
I always loved going to the "PICTURE
SHOW", but I considered
"MOVIE" an affection.
Most of these words go back to
the '50s, but here's a pure-
'60's word I came across the other day- "RAT FINK". Ooh,
what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss- "PERCOLATOR".
That was just a fun
word to say. And what was it replaced with? "COFFEE MAKER".
How dull. Mr.Coffee, I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing
words that were meant to
sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DYNAFLOW"
and "ELECTROLUX." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now
Food for thought- was there a
telethon that wiped out lumbago?
Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what Castor
Oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with
Caster Oil anymore.
Some words aren't gone, but are
definitely on the endangered
list. The one that grieves me most is "SUPPER". Now everybody
Save a great word. Invite
someone to supper. Discuss "Fender
Sunday Comic Strip (S620b)
by Jef Mallett on 11/23/2000
In this episode janitor Edwin
Frazier and a student discuss
poetry and the different parts of speech. Click 'HERE' to
see this cute comic strip.
Subj: Modern Shakespeare (S427b)
From: jbcary1 on 4/5/2005
William Shakespeare was a very
wise man. But you'd never know
it because he used such fancy-schmancy words. Now our crack
team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shake-
speare's quotes into modern day English. It's about time we
were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly
Self-love, my liege, is not so
vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should masturbate more.
The weakest kind of fruit drops
earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.
Great floods have flown from
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during
The first thing we do, let's
kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers. Really.
Be to yourself as you would to
Translation: It's OK to sleep with your sister because your
friend sure would.
Is the jay more precious than
the lark because his feathers
are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.
Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to.
Or try wearing five condoms at once.
I can express no kinder sign
of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.
Men at some time are masters
of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you're screwed.
They that thrive well take counsel
of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man,
listen to them.
That man that hath a tongue,
I say, is no man, if with his
tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you can
always resort to oral sex.
Heaven hath a hand in these events.
Translation: How else would you explain that Pamela Anderson
O, flatter me, for love delights
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when
it comes to penis size.
The course of true love never
did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a
I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after.
Alas, poor world, what treasure
hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some
parts of the country.
Love's gentle spring doth always
Translation: With a little help from our friends at
Massengill, that is.
Praising what is lost, makes
the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your
conquests, exaggerate. A lot.
'Tis better to be brief than
Translation: Nooners rock.
My endeavors have ever come too
short of my desires.
Translation: You've never had twins and you never will.
Get over it.
Advanced Reliability Technologies, LLC
Subj: 4 Cans Of Alphabet Soup (S925)
From: Siretta Tuttle on Facebook
Source: (Removed from facebook.com/photo)
Subj: Romeo And Juliet-Net Txt Version (S333b)
From: DafterLafter on 5/29/2003
--------------------- Act 1 -----------------------
Romeo : R u awake? Want 2 chat?
Juliet: O Rom. Where4 art thou?
Romeo: Outside yr window.
Romeo: Had 2 come. feeling jiggy.
Juliet: B careful. My family h8 u.
Romeo: Tell me about it. What about u?
Juliet: 'm up for marriage f u are.. Is tht a bit fwd?
Romeo: No. Yes. No. Oh, dsnt mat-r, 2moro @ 9?
Juliet: Luv U xxxx
Romeo: CU then xxxx
--------------------- Act 2 -----------------------
Friar: Do u?
Juliet: I do
Romeo: I do
--------------------- Act 3 -----------------------
Juliet: Come bck 2 bed. It's
the nightingale not the lark.
Juliet: !!! I ws wrong !!!. It's the lark. U gotta go.
Romeo: Damn. I shouldn't hv wasted Tybalt ? gt banished.
Juliet: When CU again?
Romeo: Soon. Promise. Dry sorrow drinks our blood. Adieu.
Juliet: Miss u big time.
--------------------- Act 4 -----------------------
Nurse: Yr mum says u have
2 marry Paris!!
Juliet: No way. Yuk yuk yuk. n-e-way, am mard 2 Rom.
--------------------- Act 5 -----------------------
Friar: Really? O no. U
wl have 2 take potion
that makes u look ded.
--------------------- Act 6 -----------------------
Romeo: J-why r u not returning
Romeo: RUOK? Am abroad but phone still works.
Romeo: TEXT ME!
Batty: Bad news. J dead. Sorry m8.
--------------------- Act 7 -----------------------
Romeo: J-wish u wr able
2 read this...am now poisoning ?
and climbing in yr grave. LUV U Ju xxxx
--------------------- Act 8 -----------------------
Juliet: R-got yr text! Am alive!
Ws faking it! Whr RU? Oh...
Friar: Vry bad situation.
Juliet: Nightmare. LUVU2. Always. Dagger.
Word Riddle II (S639c)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 3/12/2009
Photo from TPTB.co.uk...
These are well known sayings
some of us use week in,
week out. How well can you translate them?
1. Scintillate, Scintillate, asteroid exiguous.
2. Members of an avian species
identical plumage congregate.
3. Surveillance should precede salutations.
4. Pulchritude poses possesses
5. It is fruitless to become
over precipitately departed lacteal fluid.
6. Freedom from incrustations
is contiguous to rectitude.
7. The stylus is more potent then the claymore.
8. It is fruitless to attempt
to indoctrinate a
superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.
9. Eschew the implement of correction
of vitiate the scion.
10. The temperature of the aqueous
content of an
unremittingly ogled saucepan does not does reach 100C?.
11. All articles that coruscate
resplendence are not truly auriferous.
12. Where there are visible vapors
carbonaceous material, there is conflagration.
13. Sorting on the part of mendicants
must be interdicted.
14. A plethora of individual
with expertise in
culinary techniques vitiate the potable
concoctions produced by steeping certain
15. Eleemosynary deeds have their incipience intramurally.
16. Male cadavers are incapable of yielding any testimony.
17. Individuals who make their
abode in vitreous
edifices would be advised to refrain from
catapulting petrous projectiles.
18. Neophyte's serendipity.
19. Exclusive dedication to necessitous
without interludes of hedonistic diversion
renders John a habatudinous fellow.
20. A revolving lithic conglomerate
congeries of a small, green bryophytic plant.
21. A person presenting the ultimate
possess thereby the optimal cachinnation.
22. Abstention from any aleatory
precludes a potent potential escalation
of lucrative nature.
23. Missiles of ligneous or petrous
have the potential of fracturing my osseous
structures but appellations will eternally
Click 'HERE' to view the answers.
Subj: Rules Of English (S559c)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #274 on 97-12-13
and From: LABLaughsClean on 10/1/2007
Here are several very important
but often forgotten rules
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands ? abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations.
As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said:
"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't
more use words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best..
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?
24. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
25. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
26. No sentence fragments.
27. Eliminate commas, that are,
28. however should be enclosed in commas.
29. Never use a big word when
one would suffice.
30. Use words correctly, irregardless
others use them.
31. Understatement is always
the absolute best
way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
32. If you've heard it once,
you've heard it a
thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one
writer in a million can use it correctly.
33. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
34. Proofread carefully to see
if you any
Sketch Show - The English Course Sketch (S764d)
From: Wimp.com on 9/1/2011
The Sketch Show was a British
television sketch comedy
program. It aired on ITV between 2001 and 2003.
A short-lived spinoff of the
same title was produced in
the United States. The American version of the show,
produced by Kelsey Grammer, aired during 2005 on Fox.
The main cast consisted of Malcolm Barrett, Kaitlin
Olson, Mary Lynn Rajskub (Chloe O'Brian from the hit
TV show 24 Hours), and Paul F. Tompkins, as well
as Lee Mack from the British version of the show.
The English Course Sketch is
a skit in which the cast is
taking an English course and each one has a particular
problem with an aspect of the language, which comes out
in their cafeteria conversation.
Click 'HERE' to see this cute, short skit.
Subj: Grammar Rules For The Unenlightened; Or, How To Write Good (S119)
From: Ossama's Laugh on 12/31/97
Don't use no double negatives
Don't never use no triple negatives.
No sentence fragments
Corollary: Complete sentences: important.
Stamp out and eliminate redundancy.
Avoid cliches like the plague.
All generalizations are bad.
Corollary: All statements must be specific.
Never listen to advice.
Take care that your verb and subject is in agreement.
A preposition is a bad thing to end a sentence with.
Down with categorical imperatives.
Avoid those run-on sentences that just go on, and on, and on,
they never stop, they just keep rambling, and you really
wish the person would just shut up, but no, they just keep
going, they're worse than the Energizer Bunny, they babble
incessantly, and these sentences, they just never stop,
they go on forever... if you get my drift...
Never contradict yourself always.
You should never use the second person.
When dangling, watch your participles.
Never go off on tangents, which are lines that intersect a
curve at only one point and were discovered by Euclid, who
lived in the sixth century, which was an era dominated by
the Goths, who lived in what we now know as Poland...
As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "I hate quotations."
Excessive use of exclamation points can be disastrous!!!!!
Remember to end each sentence with a period
Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
Don't use question marks inappropriately?
Don't be terse.
Don't obfuscate your theses with extraneous verbiage.
Never use that totally cool, radically groovy out-of-date
Avoid tumbling off the cliff of triteness into the black
abyss of overused metaphors.
Keep your ear to the grindstone, your nose to the ground,
take the bull by the horns of a dilemma, and stop mixing
Avoid those abysmally horrible, outrageously repellent
Avoid any awful anachronistic aggravating antediluvian
Subj: More Short English Jokes
Pickles Sunday Comic Strip (S741)
By Brian Crane on 3/27/2011
Uncle Art's Funland (S659b)
By N.A.Nugent on 8/23/2009
..........Source: (Removed from unitedfeatures.com)
Uncle Art's Funland II (S645c)
By N.A.Nugent on 5/3/2009
Source: (Removed from unitedfeatures.com)
||Drawing from UnitedFeatures.com|
Uncle Art's Funland III (S666b)
By N.A.Nugent on 10/11/2009
..........Source: (Removed from unitedfeatures.com)
Uncle Art's Funland IV (S683b)
By N.A.Nugent on 2/14/2010
Source: (Removed from unitedfeatures.com)
||Drawing from UnitedFeatures.com|
Uncle Art's Funland V (S669)
By N.A.Nugent on 4/4/2009
..........Source: (Removed from unitedfeatures.com)
Importance Of Learning English (S639c)
From: tom on 4/6/2009
Photo from Flickr...
One Big Happy Comic Strip (S631c)
by Rick Detorie on 2/9/2009
A Lick And A Promise (S625c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 12/31/2008
Photo from Comics and Sketches...
Subj: Grammer Lesson (S350)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 10/13/2003
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Text Reversal (S569b)
From: TextReversal on 12/16/2007
Photo from Link.BrightCove.com...
Subj: Grammar Problem (S504c)
From: curiouser on 9/18/2006
Can you make the words below
into grammatically correct
English simply by adding punctuation? You may not change
the word order, or add or remove any words. You may
replace lower case with upper case letters.
James while Emily
had had had had had had had
had had had had a better effect on the teacher
A solution is provided at the
Shakespeare-Battleship Comic Strip (S545c)
By Darby Conley on 6/24/2007
Subj: Words As Nouns And Verbs (S486b)
From: igiggle on 5/17/2006
After I explained to my sophomore English class that party
is a noun, not a verb, several students argued that since
everybody uses the word as a verb, it should be acceptable.
"Okay," I said. "Give me some good examples."
"How about Shakespeare?"
Josh replied. "Remember, Juliet
tells Romeo that partying is such sweet sorrow."
~~ Reader's Digest
Encyclopedias And Dictionaries Online
By Danielle Hollister
From: igiggle on 1/23/2006 (S471c)
Subj: How To Write Badly But Readable (S346, S528c)
From: woneye on 9/16/2003
and From: darrell94590 on 3/6/2007
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the
rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll
raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey
lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
This is wondefull to ear.
Now us lexdysics will be able to
right hour oan grate bks.
How To Write Badly But Readable II (S545c)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 6/23/2007
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: How To Write Badly But Readable III (S764)
From: RDobry on 9/6/2011
If you can read this you have a strong mind:
7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG
7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD
BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N
P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15. R3 P057 1F U C4N R35D 7H15.
Agnes Comic Strip (S650)
by Tony Cochran on 6/26/2009
One Big Happy Comic Strip V (S640c)
..........by Rick Detorie on 5/2/2009
From: DafterLafter on 6/14/2003 (S333b)
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's
not at all true. I have the heart of a young boy. ... In a
jar.... On my desk. -- Steven King
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/3/2003 (S336b)
Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by
mankind. -- Rudyard Kipling (1865 - 1936)
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/16/2003 (S345b)
Most people would succeed in small things,
if they were not troubled with great ambitions.
-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807 - 1882)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 1/31/2006
"Necessity may be the mother of invention, but
play is certainly the father." -- Roger von Oech
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 5/16/2006 (S486b)
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read
and nobody wants to read. -- Mark Twain
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 6/8/2006
"You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream
things that never were; and I say, 'Why not?"
-- George Bernard Shaw
From: catlynnbray on 8/14/2006 (S490b)
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea
of any man I know." -- Abraham Lincoln
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/18/2002 (S281b
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who
travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
-- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
From: LABLaughs.com on 11/28/2006 (S515b
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.
Live the life you have imagined." -- Henry David Thoreau
From: ginafm on 8/27/2009 (S659b)
Was learning cursive really necessary?
From: LABLaughs.com on 2/1/2010 (S681b)
"Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tries,
and a touch that never hurts." -- Charles Dickens
From: Rebecca Champion on Facebook
on 9/17/2011 (S766)
You are never too old to set another goal
or to dream a new dream. -- C. S. Lewis