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Subj:     English Language Jokes
                 (Includes 74 jokes and articles, 17 1035,10,cf,wYT2b4a,3)

          Click "Here" for English-Supp


Turnong Book from
The Teachers Lounge
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Includes the following:  Ripley's Believe It Or Not! (S638c in Supp)
........................."Weird Al" Yankovic - Word Crimes - Musical Vid (S970-Supp)
.........................Ships In The Night (DU in Supp)
.........................George Carlin On Euphemistic Language - Video (S769 - Supp)
.........................Complete Vs Finished (S855 in Supp)
.........................Do you ACTUALLY Know English? - Web Site Test (S915 - Supp)
.........................Collective Nouns In The English Language (S765 in Supp)
.........................Going West By Maurice Gee - Video (S706 in Supp)
.........................Find A 12 Letter Word (S555 in Supp)
.........................Word Riddle... Amazing! - Video (S528c in Supp)
.........................Forgotten Words (S503b in Supp)
.........................Frazz Comic Strip (S620b in Supp)
.........................Modern Shakespeare (S427b in Supp)
.........................4 Cans Of Alphabet Soup - Drawing (S925 in Supp)
.........................Romeo And Juliet-Net Txt Version (S333b in Supp)
.........................Word Riddle II (S639c in Supp)
.........................Rules Of English (S559c in Supp)
.........................Sketch Show - The English Course Sketch - Video (S764-Supp)
.........................Grammar Rules For The Unenlightened (S119 in Supp)
.........................
.........................I Love Lucy - Ricky Learns English - Video (S1004)
.........................Cute English Sentences
.........................FUCK! Our Most Versatile Word - Video (S547)
.........................No Wonder English Is So Difficult To Learn (S158, S520c)
.........................Frank And Ernest Cartoon II (S825)
.........................Singlar And Plural In English (S207, S758)
.........................Thesaurus Joke/Cartoon (S1035)
.........................Word Facts - Web Page (S108, S599c)
.........................If English Words Had Gender (S261)
.........................Bizarro Cartoon (S622c)
.........................New Definitions For Old Words (S284, S800)
.........................New Definitions For Old Words II (S391, S686b)
.........................Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S773)
.........................New Words For 2001 (S263b)
.........................New Words For 2002 (S320b)
.........................Bizarro Cartoon II (S739)
.........................Definitions for The New Year! (S258)
.........................Proper Punctuation Makes The Difference (S58)
.........................I Before E - Sign (S975)
.........................Green Eggs And Hamlet
.........................Memory Training
.........................Double Negative (S42, S895)
                         Short English Jokes
..............................Pickles Sunday Comic Strip (S741 in Supp)
..............................Uncle Art's Funland (S659b in Supp)
..............................Uncle Art's Funland II (S645c in Supp)
..............................Uncle Art's Funland III (S666b in Supp)
..............................Uncle Art's Funland IV (S683b)
..............................Uncle Art's Funland V (S669)
..............................One Big Happy Comic Strip V (S640c in Supp)
..............................Importance Of Learning English (S639c in Supp)
..............................One Big Happy Comic Strip (S631c in Supp)
..............................A Lick And A Promise (S625c in Supp)
..............................Text Reversal (S569b in Supp)
..............................Shakespeare-Battleship Comic Strip (S545c in Supp)
..............................Grammar Problem (S504c in Supp)
..............................Words As Nouns And Verbs (S486b in Supp)
..............................Encyclopedias And Dictionaries Online (S471c in Supp)
..............................Grammer Lesson (S350 in Supp)
..............................How To Write Badly But Readable (S346 in Supp)
..............................How To Write Badly But Readable II (S545c in Supp)
..............................How To Write Badly But Readable III (S764 in Supp)
..............................Bad Writing Contest (S341b in Supp)
..............................Agnes Comic Strip (S650 in Supp)
..............................
..............................Vowel Riddle (S241b)
..............................The Tilde (S120)
..............................The Apostrophe (S107)
..............................A Concise Essay (S126, S486b)
..............................English Professor And Punctuation (S126)
..............................Number Of Words (S183)

Also see BAR-SUPP file- 'Bad Grammar Coffee Mug'
         BASKETBALL   - 'The 3 Rs And Basketball'
         BATHROOM-GRFF- 'The Sink At IBM's Watson Center'
         BIRDS file   - 'The End of the Raven'
         BOTTLE CAPS  - 'Read Books... Not Bottlecaps'
         BRAINTEASERS - 'The History Of Crossword Puzzles'
         BRAINTSR-SUPP- 'Can You Read These Two Message?'
......................- 'Bizarro Sunday Puzzle #2'
         CLINTON-SCDL1- 'The Tragic Comedie Of King Leer'
         COMPUTERS4   - 'Young Man Wanter To Be A Writer'
         CONTRACTOR   - 'Construction Tongue Twister'
         COWBOY file  - 'Boy Sees His First Cowboy'
         DIFFERENCES2 - 'Gender Language Differences'
......................- 'She/He Definitions'
         DIFFERENCES3 - 'Blondie Comic Strip'
         ELDERLY4-SUPP- 'Word Of The Day: Exhaustipated - Button'
         FOOD_ETC file- 'MacDonald's Soliloquy'
         FUCK file    - 'Word Exchange'
         HANDICAP-SUPP- 'The Power Of Words' - Video
.........HEADLINS-ADDS- 'The Newspapers'
         HUNTING-CAMP - 'Camping Store Sign'
.........JEWISH1 file - 'Hebronics'
.........KIDS4 file   - 'Woman Gives Up Twins'
         LATIN file   - 'Dead Poet's Society - Carpe Diem'
         LETTERS1 file-  (the whole file)
         LETTERS2 file-  (the whole file)
         LIBRARY file - 'The Future Of Publishing' - Video
......................- 'B.O.O.K'
         LISTS file   - 'Top Ten Rejected Dr. Seuss Books'
......................- 'World's Shortest Books'
         LOVE file....- 'Forbidden Love II'
         MATH4 file   - 'PUZZLE - Seven Puzzles'
         MIDDLE_EAST  - 'Shakespeare On Iraq'
         NATIVE AMERCN- 'Priest Teaches Indian English'
         OTHER_NATIONL- 'Swiss Meets Two Americans'
         POETRY file  - 'Cute Poem About Spell Checkers'
......................- (See whole file)
         POETRY-SUPP  - 'Poem By Taylor Mali' - Video
         PENIS-SUPP   - 'Happy And Sad In The Same Sentence'
         PL-CINT-SCLD2- 'Buying Titanic Or My Life'
         PREACHER     - 'Three Boys Discuss Their Dad's Ability To Write'
         QUOT-COMD_SUP- 'George Carlin - Seven Dirty Words' - Video
         RIDDLES file - 'A What Am I Riddle #15'
......................- 'Find A Word Riddle #1-13 '
......................- 'Find A Word Riddle #14-'
         RIDDLE SUPP2 - 'Jonathan Swift's Clever Puzzle-Poem'
......................- 'Word Square'
         SAILOR file  - 'Why Is It We Have To Speak English?'
         SCHOOL1 file - 'Teacher Deals With Sexual Exhaustion'
.........SCHOOL-SUPP  - 'Using 'I' IN A Sentence'
         SHIT file    - 'Interesting Word Origin'
         SOUTHERN     - 'The Yankee or Dixie Quiz'
         TESTS1 file  - 'Puzzles Of Names'
......................- 'Word Puzzles'
......................- 'Intriguing Intelligence Test'
         THO-LRN-SUPP2- 'Frazz Comic Strip'
         THOUGHTS-SLLY- 'Silly Questions'
         THOUGHTS-QOTS- 'Why Are Things The Way They Are?'
         WORDJOKES2   - 'Chevy Nova Awards'
                      - 'Microsoft 'Word' Oddities'
......................- 'Three Words Ending in "gry"'
         WORDJOKES-SUP- 'Every Time You Make A Typo' - Button

============================================================Top
Subj:     I Love Lucy - Ricky Learns English (S1004)
          From: Keith Murray on Facebook on 4/9/2016
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/uZV40f0cXF4
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.Click 'HERE' to see this cute skit on the 'I Love Lucy' TV show.
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Top
Subj:     Cute English Sentences

 Tom, where Bill had had "had" had had "had had".
 "Had had" had been correct.

 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the
 words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish and Chips
 sign" have been clarer if quotation marks had been placed
 before Fish, and between Fish and and and and and And and
 And and and and and and And and And and and and and and
 Chips, as well as after Chips?

 In order to make sense of "this sentence"
 you must remove the quotes from "it".

Top
Subj:    FUCK! Our Most Versatile Word
         From: rfslick
.........on 7/4/2007 (S547d in Fuck)
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/588ngaryDJo

 This old video describes our most versatile word
 in the English language.  You can watch it by
 clicking 'HERE'. Watch it till the end for an
 interesting twist.

Top
Subj:     No Wonder English Is So Difficult To Learn (S158, S520c)
          From: smiles on 02/08/2000
      and From: darrell94590 on 1/5/2007

 No wonder English is difficult to learn:

 We polish the Polish furniture.
 He could lead if he would get the lead out.
 A farm can produce produce.
 The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
 The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
 The present is a good time to present the present.
 At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head
    of a bass drum.
 The dove dove into the bushes.
 I did not object to the object.
 The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
 The bandage was wound around the wound.
 There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
 They were too close to the door to close it.
 The buck does funny things when the does are present.
 They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
 To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
 The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
 After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
 I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
 I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
 How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
 I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Top
Subj:     Frank And Ernest Cartoon II (S825)
          By Bob Thaves on 10/1/2012
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/frank-and-ernest/2012/10/01
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Top
Subj:     Singlar And Plural In English (S207)
          From: spyda on 1/19/2001
      and From: Ft.Apache on 7/18/2011

 Why English Is So Hard

 We'll begin with a box,
 and the plural is boxes.
 But the plural of ox should be oxen,
 not oxes.

 Then one fowl is goose,
 but two are called geese.
 Yet the plural of moose
 should never be meese.

 You may find a lone mouse
 or a whole lot of mice.
 But the plural of house is houses,
 not hice.

 If the plural of man
 is always called men,
 Why shouldn't the plural of pan
 be called pen?

 The cow in a plural
 may be cows or kine,
 But the plural of vow is vows,
 not vine.

 And I speak of foot,
 and you show me your feet,
 But I give you a boot ...
 would a pair be called beet?

 If one is a tooth
 and the whole set are teeth,
 Why shouldn't the plural of booth
 be called beeth?

 If the singular is this
 and the plural is these,
 Should the plural of kiss
 be nicknamed kese?

 Then one may be that,
 and three may be those,
 Yet the plural of hat
 would never be hose.

 We speak of a brother,
 and also of brethern,
 But though we say mother,
 we never say methern.

 The masculine pronouns are
 he, his and him,
 But imagine the feminine
 she, shis and shim!

 So our English,
 I think you'll all agree,
 Is the trickiest language
 you ever did see.

 author unknown

Top
Subj:     Thesaurus Joke/Cartoon (S1035)
          Created by Scott Hilburn
          From: Siretta Tuttle on 11/17/2016
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/theargylesweater/2013/12/21
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Top
Subj:     Word Facts (S108, S599c)
          From: RFSlick on 99-02-14
      and From: tom on 7/6/2008
Drawing from Flickr.com

 You can view these twenty-one, interesting 'word facts'
 with pictures on my site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     If English Words Had Gender (S261)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 1/28/2002

 (Also see 'Male Or Female?' in MENQUESTIONS)

 From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it
 was postulated that English should have male and female
 nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns
 of their choice and explain their reason.

 The best submissions:

 SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears
 useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its
 time just opening bottles.

 KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in
 pairs.

 TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

 HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you
 have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the
 hot air part.

 SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and
 retain water.

 WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

 SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its
 tongue hanging out.

 COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while
 to warm up.  Because it is an effective reproductive
 device when the right buttons are pushed.  Because it can
 wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

 ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but
 you can always see right through them.

 SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick
 people up.

 HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts
 to the bottom.

 HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last
 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

 REMOTE CONTROL: Female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male.
 But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost with-
 out it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons
 to push,he keeps trying.

Top
Subj:     New Definitions For Old Words (S284, S800)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/7/2002
      and From: kgilmour2000 on 5/11/2012

 (See 'Humorous Definitions' in WORDJOKES2)

 Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray'-ter : A cook that leaves
    Arby's to work at McDonald's.

 Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl'  : What a bullfighter
    tries to do.

 Bernadette burn'-a-det' : The act of torching a
    mortgage.

 Burglarize bur'-gler-ize'  : What a crook sees with.

 Control kon'-trol : A short, ugly inmate.

 Counterfeiters kown'-ter-fit'-ers : Workers who put
    together kitchen cabinets.

 Eclipse ee-klips'  : What a Cockney barber does for
    a living.

 Eyedropper i'-drop-ur : A clumsy ophthalmologist.

 Heroes hee-rhos'  : What a guy in a boat does.

 Left Bank left' bangk'  : What the robber did when
    his bag was full of loot.

 Misty mis-tee'  : How golfers create divots.

 Paradox par'-u-doks'  : Two physicians.

 Parasites par'-ih-sites' : What you see from the top
    of the EiffelTower.

 Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist  : A helper on the farm.

 Polarize po'-lur-ize'  : What penguins see with.

 Primate pri'-mate'  : Removing your spouse from in
    front of the TV.

 Relief ree-leef'  : What trees do in the spring.

 Selfish sel'-fish'  : What the owner of a seafood
    store does.

 Subdued sub-dood'  : Like, a guy who, like, works on
    one of those, like, submarines, man.

 Sudafed sood'-a-fed'  : Brought litigation against a
    government official

Top
Subj:     Bizarro Cartoon (S622c in Phone-Supp)
          by Dan Piraro on 12/13/2008
 Source: http://bizarro.com/comics/december-13-2008/
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Top
Subj:     New Definitions For Old Words II (S391, S686b)
          From: ICohen on 7/28/2004
      and From: gattica30 on 3/7/2010

 For those who appreciate the intricacies of the English
 language, the Washington Post publishes a yearly contest
 in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
 for various words. Some winning entries:

 1. Coffee (n.) - a person who is coughed upon.

 2. Flabbergasted (adj.) - appalled over how much weight
    you have gained

 3. Abdicate (v.) - to give up all hope of ever having
    a flat stomach.

 4. Esplanade (v.) - to attempt an explanation while drunk.

 5. Willy-nilly (adj.) - impotent.

 6. Negligent (adj.) - describes a condition in which
    women absentmindedly answer the door in their nighties.

 7. Lymph (v.) - to walk with a lisp.

 8. Gargoyle (n.) - an olive-flavored mouthwash.

 9. Flatulence (n.) - the emergency vehicle that picks you
    up after you are run over by a steamroller.

 10 Balderdash (n.) - a rapidly receding hairline.

 11. Testicle (n.) - a humorous question on an exam.

 12. Rectitude (n.) - the formal, dignified demeanor assumed
     by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

 13. Oyster (n.) - a person who sprinkles his conversation
     with Yiddish expressions.

 14. Circumvent (n.) - the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) - The belief that, when you die,
     your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Top
Subj:     Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S773)
          By Bob Thaves on 11/1/2011
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/frank-and-ernest/2011/11/01
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Top
Subj:     New Words For 2001 (S263b)
          From: ICohen on 1/30/2002
      and From: gheckman on 2/6/2002

 (See 'Humorous Definitions' in WORDJOKES2)

 Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks
 readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by
 adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a
 new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:

 Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which
 lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

 Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

 Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the
 purpose of getting laid.

 Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

 Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
 the person who doesn't get it.

 Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are
 running late.

 Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

 Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
 credit.)

 Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all
 these really bad vibes, right?  And then, like, the Earth
 explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

 Glibido: All talk and no action.

 Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
 smarter when they come at you rapidly.
 

 And, the pick of the literature:

 Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Top
Subj:     New Words For 2002 (S320b)
          From: cappucid on 3/14/2003

 (See 'Humorous Definitions' in WORDJOKES2)

 The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which
 readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various
 words. The following were some recent winning entries:

  1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
  2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much
     weight you have gained.
  3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever
     having a flat stomach.
  4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
  5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
  6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
     absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
  7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
  8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
  9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you
     up after you are run over by a steamroller.
 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed
     by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
 13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his
     conversation with Yiddish expressions.
 14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of
     boxer shorts.
 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die,
     your soul lands on the roof and gets stuck there.
 16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

Top
Subj:     Bizarro Cartoon II (S739)
          By Dan Piraro on 3/11/2011
Source: http://bizarro.com/comics/march-11-2011/
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Top
Subj:     Definitions for The New Year! (S258)
          From: gheckman on 1/4/2002

 (See 'Humorous Definitions' in WORDJOKES2)

 Cigarette :
 A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end
 and a fool on the other.

 Divorce :
 Future tense of marriage.

 Lecture :
 An art of transferring information from the notes of the
 Lecturer to the notes of the Students without passing
 through the minds of either.

 Conference :
 The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

 Compromise :
 The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
 believes he got the biggest piece.

 Tears :
 The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is
 defeated by feminine water power...

 Dictionary :
 The only place where success comes before work.

 Conference Room :
 A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and
 everybody disagrees later on.

 Classic :
 A book which people praise, but do not read.

 Smile :
 A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

 Office :
 A place where you can relax after your strenuous
 home life.

 Yawn :
 The only time some married men ever get to open their
 mouth.

Top
Subj:     Proper Punctuation Makes The Difference (S58)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #62 on 98-03-12

 Proper Punctuation (read each version carefully, it's the
 same words)

 Dear John,
 I want a man who knows what love is all about.  You are
 generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you
 admit to being useless and inferior.  You have ruined me
 for other men.  I yearn for you.  I have no feelings what-
 soever when we're apart.  I can be forever happy--will you
 let me be yours?  Sheila

 Dear John,
 I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are
 generous, kind, thoughtful people who are not like you.
 Admit to being useless and inferior.  You have ruined me.
 For other men, I yearn.  For you, I have no feelings what-
 soever.  When we're apart, I can be forever happy.  Will
 you let me be?  Yours,  Sheila

Top
Subj:     I Before E (S975)
          From: Floyd Stiewig on Facebook on 9/21/2015
 Source: https://www.pinterest.com/416danp/english-memes/
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Top
Subj:     Green Eggs And Hamlet
          by Tim Hnetka
          From: Amy's Humor Archive on 06/27/97

  I ask to be, or not to be.
  That is the question, I ask of me.
  This sullied life, it makes me shudder.
  My uncle is boffing my dear, sweet mother.
  Would I, could I take my life?
  Could I, should I end this strife?
  Should I jump out of a plane?
  Or throw myself in front of a train?
  Should I from a cliff just leap?
  Could I put myself to sleep?
  Shoot myself, or take some poison?
  Maybe try self immolation?
  To shudder off this mortal coil,
  I could stab myself with a fencing foil.
  Should I slash my wrists while in the bath?
  Would it help to end my angst and wrath?
  To sleep, to dream, now there's the rub.
  I could drop an appliance into my tub.
  Would everyone be happy, if I were dead?
  Could I maybe kill them instead?
  This line of thought takes consideration.
  After all, I'm the king of procrastination.

Top
Subj:     Memory Training
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-10-04

 The teacher was describing a new system of memory-training
 to the class.  "It's like this," she said.  "Suppose you
 want to remember the name of a poet, for instance, Robert
 Burns.  Let's call him Bobby Burns.  Now fix in your mind
 a picture of a London policeman, a bobby, in flames.  See
 -- Bobby Burns."

 "I see what you mean, teacher," said a boy.  "But how can
 you tell if it's not Robert Browning?"

Top
Subj:     Double Negative (S42d, S895)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-11-11
      and From: George Takei on 12/13/2014
Drawing from Ivman's Blague...

 A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
 "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive.
 In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative
 is still a negative.  However, there is no language wherein a
 double positive can form a negative."

 A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
.
 Click 
 to see three cartoons/jokes about "Double Negatives"
 and "Double Positives."
.

Subj:     Short English Jokes

Top
Subj:     Vowel Riddle (S241b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 9/14/2001
 There are several English words that contain all the 5
 vowels. Can you name some of them?

x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x

Answer:

Education, Euphoria, Precarious, Pneumonia, Ambidextrous,
Adventitious and Unequivocal.
 

Top
Subj:     The Tilde (S120)
          From: smiles on 5/23/99
 As has been pointed out, that "~" thing is called a "tilde:.
 Walt Whitman was one of the most avid advocates of it's
 usage, and until his death he devoted untold hours making
 others aware of it's potential.  So today, as I use that
 little button on the upper left of my keyboard, I often
 feel like ... Walt's in my tilde.
 

Top
Subj:     The Apostrophe (S107)
          From: smiles on 99-02-11
  It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you
  mean it is.  If you don't, it's its.  Then too, it's hers.
  It isn't her's.  It isn't our's either.  It's ours, and
  likewise yours and theirs.
                -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News

Top
Subj:     A Concise Essay (S126, S486b)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #218 on 97-10-10
      and From: darrell94590 on 5/13/2006
 A university creative writing class was asked to write a
 concise essay containing these four elements:

 - religion
 - royalty
 - sex
 - mystery

 The prize-winning essay read:

 "My God," said the Queen.  "I'm pregnant.  I wonder who did it?"
 

Top
Subj:     English Professor And Punctuation (S126)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-11-09
 An English Professor wrote the words, "woman without her
 man is a savage" on the blackboard and directed his students
 to punctuate it correctly.

 The men wrote:  "Woman, without her man, is a savage."

 The women wrote:  "Woman: Without her, man is a savage."
 

Top
Subj:     Number Of Words (S183)
          From: RFSlick on 7/31/00
 Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
 The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
 Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
 The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
 The Gettysburg Address: 286 words.
 The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
 The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage:
    26,911 words.
 

          From: Funnies.com
 My Favorite Haiku
 Writing a short poem
 with seventeen syllables
 is very diffi

          From: Funnies.com
 Twisted Greeting Cards
 by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu
 I must express my gratitude
 for such a lovely gift.
 Your thoughtfulness and taste is matched
 only by your thrift.
 It's clear that you spared all expense,
 if you catch my drift.
 Remove the anti-theft device
 when you again shoplift.
 

 The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine
 different ways.  The following sentence contains
 them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful
 ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough;
 after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

 The longest word in the English language, according to the
    Oxford English Dictionary, is
    pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.  The only
    other word with the same amount of letters is
    pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.
    Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones
    are the largest anagrams.

 The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms
    which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

 The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without
 repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

 Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the
 correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing
 arsenic."

Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only
write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.

From: LABLaughs.com on 9/18/2002 (S294b)
 When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
   -- Goethe (1749-1832)

 "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

 First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

 Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

 The 'y' in signs reading "ye olde.."  is properly pronounced
 with a 'th' sound, not 'y'. The "th" sound does not exist in
 Latin, so ancient Roman occupied (present day) England used
 the rune "thorn" to represent "th" sounds.  With the advent
 of the printing press the character from the Roman alphabet
 which closest resembled thorn was the lower case "y".

From: Daemonic Funnies Page on 12/1/97
 When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

From: grs on 98-04-05
 Is there another word for synonym?

 Why is the word abbreviation so long?

 Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

 The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant.
 If omitted in one place, they turn up in another.  When a
 Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest,
 causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

From: RFSlick on 98-04-30
 No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
 silver and purple.

From: auntieg 98-05-09
 "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

 There are only four words in the English language which end
 in"-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

 "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

From: RFSlick on 98-12-09
 The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog."
 uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western
 Union to test telex/twx communications)

From: humorlist-digest V3 #25 on 99-01-27
 Editing is a rewording activity

From: unknown
 Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/9/2002 (S272c)
 "Half the world is composed of people who have something
 to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to
 say and keep on saying it."  -- Robert Frost

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 1/13/2006 (S469b)
 "A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's
  birthday but never remembers her age"  -- Robert Frost

From: LABLaughs.com on 4/21/2002 (S273c)
 "There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented
  by a good teacher."  -- Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964)

From: LABLaughs.com on 4/29/2002 (S274c)
 "The difference between fiction and reality?  Fiction has
  to make sense."  -- Tom Clancy

From: LABLaughs.com on 5/28/2002 (S278b)
 I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of
 the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
   -- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

From: LABLaughs.com on 9/6/2002 (S292b)
 Never mistake motion for action.
   -- Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)

From: LABLaughs.com on 11/6/2002 (S3001b)
 I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
   -- Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/7/2002 (S301b)
 They say the seeds of what we will do are in all of us,
 but it always seemed to me that in those who make jokes
 in life the seeds are covered with better soil and with
 a higher grade of manure.  -- Ernest Hemingway

From: darrell94590 on 6/9/2006 (S489b)
 "He has never been known to use a word that might
  send a reader to the dictionary."
    -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

From: catlynnbray 8/14/2006 (S490b)
 "Poor Faulkner.  Does he really think big emotions come from
  big words?"  -- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

From: LABLaughs.com on 9/7/2002 (S292b)
 Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
   -- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

From: LABLaughs.com on 3/19/2003 (S320b)
 Wise men put their trust in ideas and not in circumstances.
   -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

From: LABLaughs.com on 6/19/2003 (S335b - thou-learn-sup)
 The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
   -- Emerson, Ralph Waldo

From: LABLaughs.com on 6/29/2003 (S335b)
 What lies behind us and what lies before us
 are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
   -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

From: LABLaughs.com on 9/9/2002 (S293b)
 Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
   -- T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)

From: LABLaughs.com on 9/27/2002 (S295b)
 I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
 and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
   -- A. J. Liebling (1904-1963)

From: LABLaughs.com on 10/12/2002 (S297b)
 To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
   -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/18/2002 (S303b)
 "Anyone who lives within their means suffers
  from a lack of imagination."  -- Oscar Wilde.

From: LABLaughs.com on 12/18/2002 (S307)
 You are the same today that you are going to be five years
 from now except for two things: the people with whom you
 associate and the books you read.  -- Charles Jones

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