English

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Subj: English Language Jokes
(Includes 72 jokes and articles, 03825,2,cf,md,1)

Click "Here" for English-Supp

Also see BASKETBALL   - 'The 3 Rs And Basketball'
         BATHROOM-GRFF- 'The Sink At IBM's Watson Center'
         BIRDS file   - 'The End of the Raven'
         BOTTLE CAPS - 'Read Books... Not Bottlecaps'
         BRAINTEASERS - 'The History Of Crossword Puzzles'
         BRAINTSR-SUPP- 'Can You Read These Two Message?'
......................- 'Bizarro Sunday Puzzle #2'
         CLINTON-SCDL1- 'The Tragic Comedie Of King Leer'
         COMPUTERS4   - 'Young Man Wanter To Be A Writer'
         CONTRACTOR   - 'Construction Tongue Twister'
         COWBOY file - 'Boy Sees His First Cowboy'
         DIFFERENCES2 - 'Gender Language Differences'
......................- 'She/He Definitions'
         DIFFERENCES3 - 'Blondie Comic Strip'
         ELDERLY4-SUPP- 'Word Of The Day: Exhaustipated - Button'
         FOOD_ETC file- 'MacDonald's Soliloquy'
         FUCK file    - 'Word Exchange'
         HANDICAP-SUPP- 'The Power Of Words' - Movie
.........HEADLINS-ADDS- 'The Newspapers'
.........KIDS4 file   - 'Woman Gives Up Twins'
         LATIN file   - 'Dead Poet's Society - Carpe Diem'
         LETTERS1 file- (the whole file)
         LETTERS2 file- (the whole file)
         LIBRARY file - 'The Future Of Publishing' - Movie
......................- 'B.O.O.K'
         LISTS file   - 'Top Ten Rejected Dr. Seuss Books'
......................- 'World's Shortest Books'
         LOVE file....- 'Forbidden Love II'
         MATH4 file   - 'PUZZLE - Seven Puzzles'
         MIDDLE_EAST - 'Shakespeare On Iraq'
         NATIVE AMERCN- 'Priest Teaches Indian English'
         OTHER_NATIONL- 'Swiss Meets Two Americans'
         POETRY file - 'Cute Poem About Spell Checkers'
......................- (See whole file)
         POETRY-SUPP - 'Poem By Taylor Mali' - Movie
         PENIS-SUPP   - 'Happy And Sad In The Same Sentence'
         PL-CINT-SCLD2- 'Buying Titanic Or My Life'
         PREACHER     - 'Three Boys Discuss Their Dad's Ability To Write'
         QUOT-COMD_SUP- 'George Carlin - Seven Dirty Words' - Movie
         RIDDLES file - 'A What Am I Riddle #15'
......................- 'Find A Word Riddle #1-13 '
......................- 'Find A Word Riddle #14-'
         RIDDLE SUPP2 - 'Jonathan Swift's Clever Puzzle-Poem'
......................- 'Word Square'
         SAILOR file - 'Why Is It We Have To Speak English?'
         SCHOOL1 file - 'Teacher Deals With Sexual Exhaustion'
.........SCHOOL-SUPP - 'Using 'I' IN A Sentence'
         SHIT file    - 'Interesting Word Origin'
         SOUTHERN     - 'The Yankee or Dixie Quiz'
         TESTS1 file - 'Puzzles Of Names'
......................- 'Word Puzzles'
......................- 'Intriguing Intelligence Test'
         THO-LRN-SUPP2- 'Frazz Comic Strip'
         THOUGHTS-SLLY- 'Silly Questions'
         THOUGHTS-QOTS- 'Why Are Things The Way They Are?'
         WORDJOKES2   - 'Chevy Nova Awards'
                      - 'Microsoft 'Word' Oddities'
......................- 'Three Words Ending in "gry"'
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Subj:    FUCK! Our Most Versatile Word
         From: rfslick
         on 7/4/2007 (S547 in Fuck)

This 3,300 KB movie describes our most versatile word
in the English language. You can watch it on my
web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     If English Words Had Gender (S261)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 1/28/2002
          (Also see 'Male Or Female?' in MENQUESTIONS)

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it
was postulated that English should have male and female
nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns
of their choice and explain their reason.

The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears
useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its
time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in
pairs.

TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you
have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the
hot air part.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and
retain water.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its
tongue hanging out.

COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while
to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive
device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can
wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but
you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick
people up.

HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts
to the bottom.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last
5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male.
But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost with-
out it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons
to push,he keeps trying.

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Subj:     New Definitions For Old Words (S284, S800)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/7/2002
      and From: kgilmour2000 on 5/11/2012
          (See 'Humorous Definitions' in WORDJOKES2)

Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray'-ter : A cook that leaves
Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl' : What a bullfighter
tries to do.

Bernadette burn'-a-det' : The act of torching a
mortgage.

Burglarize bur'-gler-ize' : What a crook sees with.

Control kon'-trol : A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters kown'-ter-fit'-ers : Workers who put
together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse ee-klips' : What a Cockney barber does for
a living.

Eyedropper i'-drop-ur : A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes hee-rhos' : What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank left' bangk' : What the robber did when
his bag was full of loot.

Misty mis-tee' : How golfers create divots.

Paradox par'-u-doks' : Two physicians.

Parasites par'-ih-sites' : What you see from the top
of the EiffelTower.

Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist : A helper on the farm.

Polarize po'-lur-ize' : What penguins see with.

Primate pri'-mate' : Removing your spouse from in
front of the TV.

Relief ree-leef' : What trees do in the spring.

Selfish sel'-fish' : What the owner of a seafood
store does.

Subdued sub-dood' : Like, a guy who, like, works on
one of those, like, submarines, man.

Sudafed sood'-a-fed' : Brought litigation against a
government official

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Subj:     New Definitions For Old Words II (S391, S686b)
          From: ICohen on 7/28/2004
      and From: gattica30 on 3/7/2010

For those who appreciate the intricacies of the English
language, the Washington Post publishes a yearly contest
in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for various words. Some winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.) - a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.) - appalled over how much weight
you have gained

3. Abdicate (v.) - to give up all hope of ever having
a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.) - to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.) - impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.) - describes a condition in which
women absentmindedly answer the door in their nighties.

7. Lymph (v.) - to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.) - an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) - the emergency vehicle that picks you
up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10 Balderdash (n.) - a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.) - a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.) - the formal, dignified demeanor assumed
by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.) - a person who sprinkles his conversation
with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.) - the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) - The belief that, when you die,
your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

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Subj:     New Words For 2001 (S263b)
          From: ICohen on 1/30/2002
      and From: gheckman on 2/6/2002
          (See 'Humorous Definitions' in WORDJOKES2)

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by
adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a
new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the
purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are
running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth
explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.

And, the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

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Subj:     New Words For 2002 (S320b)
          From: cappucid on 3/14/2003
          (See 'Humorous Definitions' in WORDJOKES2)

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which
readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various
words. The following were some recent winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much
     weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever
     having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
     absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you
     up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed
     by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his
     conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of
     boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die,
     your soul lands on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

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Subj:     Definitions for The New Year! (S258)
          From: gheckman on 1/4/2002
          (See 'Humorous Definitions' in WORDJOKES2)

Cigarette :
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end ?
a fool on the other.

Divorce :
Future tense of marriage.

Lecture :
An art of transferring information from the notes of the
Lecturer to the notes of the Students without passing
through the minds of either.

Conference :
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise :
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears :
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is
defeated by feminine water power...

Dictionary :
The only place where success comes before work.

Conference Room :
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and
everybody disagrees later on.

Classic :
A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile :
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office :
A place where you can relax after your strenuous
home life.

Yawn :
The only time some married men ever get to open their
mouth.

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Subj:     Singlar And Plural In English (S207)
          From: spyda on 1/19/2001
      and From: Ft.Apache on 7/18/2011

Why English Is So Hard

We'll begin with a box,
and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen,
not oxes.

Then one fowl is goose,
but two are called geese.
Yet the plural of moose
should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse
or a whole lot of mice.
But the plural of house is houses,
not hice.

If the plural of man
is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan
be called pen?

The cow in a plural
may be cows or kine,
But the plural of vow is vows,
not vine.

And I speak of foot,
and you show me your feet,
But I give you a boot ...
would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth
and the whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth
be called beeth?

If the singular is this
and the plural is these,
Should the plural of kiss
be nicknamed kese?

Then one may be that,
and three may be those,
Yet the plural of hat
would never be hose.

We speak of a brother,
and also of brethern,
But though we say mother,
we never say methern.

The masculine pronouns are
he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine
she, shis and shim!

So our English,
I think you'll all agree,
Is the trickiest language
you ever did see.

author unknown

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Subj:     ADC 1999 Awards (S178)
          From: gheckman on 6/29/00

The American Dialect Society, a scholarly association
dedicated to the study of English in North America, annually
publishes its Words of the Year winners in a number of
categories, as determined by the voting of ADS members. The
January 2000 voting established the following terms as 1999's
Most Euphemistic:

1. compassionate conservative
2. your call is very important to us
3. possum-rider (student slang for person indiscriminate
with sexual partners)
4. m'kay (South Park movie substitute for F-word)

For comparison, here are the terms considered "Most
Euphemistic" in 1998. Different words, same sense of cynicism.

1. senior moment
2. symmetry failure (surgery mistakenly performed on the
wrong side of the body)
3. controlled flight into terrain (plane crash with
good pilot and good plane)
4. demographic fatigue (problems caused by overpopulation)

Check out winners in the Most Outrageous, Most Useful, Most
Likely to Succeed, Most Unnecessary, and other categories:

http://www.americandialect.org/woty.shtml

--Barbara Lewis and Steven Gray

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Subj:     No Wonder English Is So Difficult To Learn (S158, S520c)
          From: smiles on 02/08/2000
      and From: darrell94590 on 1/5/2007

No wonder English is difficult to learn:

We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head
of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

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Subj:     Vocabulary Builders
          From: KMacinty on 5/18/99

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the
ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with
your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when
     vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint
     at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up,
     examining it, then putting it back down to give the
     vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of
candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming
this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people
maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to
     be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person
     across the room until he finally decides to give up and
     sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n. Manhand-
ling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly
that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant
whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking
diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a
phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just
as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window
after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of
always letting the phone ring at least twice before you
pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

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Subj:     Word Facts (S108, S599c)
          From: RFSlick on 99-02-14
      and From: tom on 7/6/2008
Drawing from Flickr.com

You can view these twenty-one, interesting 'word facts'
with pictures on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.

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Subj:     Tandem Writing (S102, S464b)
          From: RFSlick on 98-10-19
      and From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/12/2005

College English Assignment Here's a prime example of "Men
Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English
professor from the University of Phoenix. The professor
told his class one day, "Today we will experiment with a
new form called the tandem story. The process is simple.
Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his
or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you
will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will
e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy
to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then
add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also
sending another copy to me. The first person will then
add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember
to re-read what has been written each time in order to
keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO
talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to
say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when
both agree a conclusion has been reached." The following
was actually turned in by two of his English students:
Rebecca and Gary.

--------------------------------------------------------
THE STORY
(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.
The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings
at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in
happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must
now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness
was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma
started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

----------------------------------------------------------
(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things
to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic
bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over
a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his
transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign
of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through
his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him
flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

--------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before
he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing
the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon after-
wards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the
peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently
Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper
one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored
her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when
the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers
to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent
wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one
lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

--------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-
witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace
Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defense-
less target for the hostile alien empires who were determined
to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage
of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth,
carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With
no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical
plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded.
The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters
on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably
massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other
Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table.
"We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's
blow 'em out of the sky!"

--------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.
My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate
adolescent.

--------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious
neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary
equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea?
Or shall I have some other sort of F**KING TEA??? Oh no,
what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads
too many Danielle Steele novels!"

--------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)

Asshole.

--------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)

Bitch.

--------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)

F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

--------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)

Go drink some tea - whore.

--------------------------------------------------------
(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one.

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Subj:     Proper Punctuation Makes The Difference (S58)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #62 on 98-03-12

Proper Punctuation (read each version carefully, it's the
same words)

Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are
generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you
admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me
for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings what-
soever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you
let me be yours? Sheila

Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are
generous, kind, thoughtful people who are not like you.
Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me.
For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings what-
soever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will
you let me be? Yours, Sheila

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Sunj:     Ships In The Night
          by Lawrence Bush

I had only just arrived at the club when I bumped into Roger.
After we had exchanged a few pleasantries, he lowered his
voice and asked, "What do you think of Martha and I as a
potential twosome?"

"That," I replied, "would be a mistake. Martha and me is
more like it."

"You're interested in Martha?"

"I'm interested in clear communication."

"Fair enough," he agreed. "May the best man win." Then
he sighed.

"Here I thought we had a clear path to becoming a very
unique couple."

"You couldn't be a very unique couple, Roger."

"Oh? And why is that?"

"Martha couldn't be a little pregnant, could she?"

"Say what? You think that Martha and me..."

"Martha and I."

"Oh." Roger blushed and set down his drink. "Gee, I
didn't know."

"Of course you didn't," I assured him. "Most people don't."

"I feel very badly about this."

"You shouldn't say that: I feel bad..."

"Please, don't," Roger said. "If anyone's at fault here,
it's me!"

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Subj:     Making English The Language Of EU (S469b)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-19 07
      and From: flovilla on 1/11/2006

The European Commission have just announced an agreement
whereby English will be the official language of the EU
rather than German, which was the other possibility. As
part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's govt. conceded
that English spelling had some room for improvement and
has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known
as "EuroEnglish".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly,
this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard
"c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear
up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year,
when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f".
This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan
be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal
of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to
akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of
the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they
should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from
vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be
aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil
find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

And zen ve vil take over ze vorld!!!

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Subj:     Green Eggs And Hamlet
          by Tim Hnetka
          From: Amy's Humor Archive on 06/27/97

I ask to be, or not to be.
That is the question, I ask of me.
This sullied life, it makes me shudder.
My uncle is boffing my dear, sweet mother.
Would I, could I take my life?
Could I, should I end this strife?
Should I jump out of a plane?
Or throw myself in front of a train?
Should I from a cliff just leap?
Could I put myself to sleep?
Shoot myself, or take some poison?
Maybe try self immolation?
To shudder off this mortal coil,
I could stab myself with a fencing foil.
Should I slash my wrists while in the bath?
Would it help to end my angst and wrath?
To sleep, to dream, now there's the rub.
I could drop an appliance into my tub.
Would everyone be happy, if I were dead?
Could I maybe kill them instead?
This line of thought takes consideration.
After all, I'm the king of procrastination.

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Subj:     Cute English Sentences

Tom, where Bill had had "had" had had "had had".
"Had had" had been correct.

Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the
words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish and Chips
sign" have been clarer if quotation marks had been placed
before Fish, and between Fish and and and and and And and
And and and and and and And and And and and and and and
Chips, as well as after Chips?

In order to make sense of "this sentence"
you must remove the quotes from "it".

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Subj:     Memory Training
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-10-04

The teacher was describing a new system of memory-training
to the class. "It's like this," she said. "Suppose you
want to remember the name of a poet, for instance, Robert
Burns. Let's call him Bobby Burns. Now fix in your mind
a picture of a London policeman, a bobby, in flames. See
-- Bobby Burns."

"I see what you mean, teacher," said a boy. "But how can
you tell if it's not Robert Browning?"

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Subj:     Double Negative (S42, S424)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-11-11
      and From: LABLaughsClean on 3/3/2005

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative
is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a
double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

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                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Rules Of English (S559c)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #274 on 97-12-13
      and From: LABLaughsClean on 10/1/2007

Here are several very important but often forgotten rules
of English:

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

4. Employ the vernacular.

5. Eschew ampersands ? abbreviations, etc.

6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

8. Contractions aren't necessary.

9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

10. One should never generalize.

11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said:
"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

13. Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous.

14. Profanity sucks.

15. Be more or less specific.

16. Understatement is always best..

17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be avoided.

21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

23. Who needs rhetorical questions?

24. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

25. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.

26. No sentence fragments.

27. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words

28. however should be enclosed in commas.

29. Never use a big word when a diminutive
one would suffice.

30. Use words correctly, irregardless of how
others use them.

31. Understatement is always the absolute best
way to put forth earth shaking ideas.

32. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a
thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one
writer in a million can use it correctly.

33. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

34. Proofread carefully to see if you any
words out.

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                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Grammar Rules For The Unenlightened; Or, How To Write Good (S119)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 12/31/97

Don't use no double negatives
Don't never use no triple negatives.
No sentence fragments
Corollary: Complete sentences: important.
Stamp out and eliminate redundancy.
Avoid cliches like the plague.
All generalizations are bad.
Corollary: All statements must be specific.
Never listen to advice.
Take care that your verb and subject is in agreement.
A preposition is a bad thing to end a sentence with.
Down with categorical imperatives.
Avoid those run-on sentences that just go on, and on, and on,
    they never stop, they just keep rambling, and you really
    wish the person would just shut up, but no, they just keep
    going, they're worse than the Energizer Bunny, they babble
    incessantly, and these sentences, they just never stop,
    they go on forever... if you get my drift...
Never contradict yourself always.
You should never use the second person.
When dangling, watch your participles.
Never go off on tangents, which are lines that intersect a
    curve at only one point and were discovered by Euclid, who
    lived in the sixth century, which was an era dominated by
    the Goths, who lived in what we now know as Poland...
As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "I hate quotations."
Excessive use of exclamation points can be disastrous!!!!!
Remember to end each sentence with a period
Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
Don't use question marks inappropriately?
Don't be terse.
Don't obfuscate your theses with extraneous verbiage.
Never use that totally cool, radically groovy out-of-date
    slang.
Avoid tumbling off the cliff of triteness into the black
    abyss of overused metaphors.
Keep your ear to the grindstone, your nose to the ground,
    take the bull by the horns of a dilemma, and stop mixing
    your metaphors.
Avoid those abysmally horrible, outrageously repellent
    exaggerations.
Avoid any awful anachronistic aggravating antediluvian
    alliterations.

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
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Subj:     Short English Jokes

Top
Subj: Vowel Riddle (S241b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/14/2001
There are several English words that contain all the 5
vowels. Can you name some of them?

x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x

Answer:

Education, Euphoria, Precarious, Pneumonia, Ambidextrous,
Adventitious and Unequivocal.

Top
Subj: The Tilde (S120)
From: smiles on 5/23/99
As has been pointed out, that "~" thing is called a "tilde:.
Walt Whitman was one of the most avid advocates of it's
usage, and until his death he devoted untold hours making
others aware of it's potential. So today, as I use that
little button on the upper left of my keyboard, I often
feel like ... Walt's in my tilde.

Top
Subj:     The Apostrophe (S107)
          From: smiles on 99-02-11
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you
mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers.
It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and
likewise yours and theirs.
                -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News

Top
Subj:     A Concise Essay (S126, S486b)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #218 on 97-10-10
      and From: darrell94590 on 5/13/2006
A university creative writing class was asked to write a
concise essay containing these four elements:

- religion
- royalty
- sex
- mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

Top
Subj: English Professor And Punctuation (S126)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-11-09
An English Professor wrote the words, "woman without her
man is a savage" on the blackboard and directed his students
to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is a savage."

Top
Subj:     Number Of Words (S183)
          From: RFSlick on 7/31/00
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg Address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage:
    26,911 words.

From: Funnies.com
My Favorite Haiku
Writing a short poem
with seventeen syllables
is very diffi

From: Funnies.com
Twisted Greeting Cards
by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu
I must express my gratitude
for such a lovely gift.
Your thoughtfulness and taste is matched
only by your thrift.
It's clear that you spared all expense,
if you catch my drift.
Remove the anti-theft device
when you again shoplift.

The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine
different ways. The following sentence contains
them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful
ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough;
after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

The longest word in the English language, according to the
    Oxford English Dictionary, is
    pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only
    other word with the same amount of letters is
    pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.
    Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones
    are the largest anagrams.

The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms
which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without
repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the
correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing
arsenic."

Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only
write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.

From: LABLaughs.com on 9/18/2002 (S294b)
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
-- Goethe (1749-1832)

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

The 'y' in signs reading "ye olde.." is properly pronounced
with a 'th' sound, not 'y'. The "th" sound does not exist in
Latin, so ancient Roman occupied (present day) England used
the rune "thorn" to represent "th" sounds. With the advent
of the printing press the character from the Roman alphabet
which closest resembled thorn was the lower case "y".

From: Daemonic Funnies Page on 12/1/97
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

From: grs on 98-04-05
Is there another word for synonym?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant.
If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a
Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest,
causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

From: RFSlick on 98-04-30
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver and purple.

From: auntieg 98-05-09
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

There are only four words in the English language which end
in"-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

From: RFSlick on 98-12-09
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog."
uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western
Union to test telex/twx communications)

From: humorlist-digest V3 #25 on 99-01-27
Editing is a rewording activity

From: unknown
Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/9/2002 (S272c)
"Half the world is composed of people who have something
to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to
say and keep on saying it." -- Robert Frost

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 1/13/2006 (S469b)
"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's
birthday but never remembers her age" -- Robert Frost

From: LABLaughs.com on 4/21/2002 (S273c)
"There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented
by a good teacher." -- Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964)

From: LABLaughs.com on 4/29/2002 (S274c)
"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has
to make sense." -- Tom Clancy

From: LABLaughs.com on 5/28/2002 (S278b)
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of
the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

From: LABLaughs.com on 9/6/2002 (S292b)
Never mistake motion for action.
-- Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)

From: LABLaughs.com on 11/6/2002 (S3001b)
I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
-- Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/7/2002 (S301b)
They say the seeds of what we will do are in all of us,
but it always seemed to me that in those who make jokes
in life the seeds are covered with better soil and with
a higher grade of manure. -- Ernest Hemingway

From: darrell94590 on 6/9/2006 (S489b)
"He has never been known to use a word that might
send a reader to the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

From: catlynnbray 8/14/2006 (S490b)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from
big words?" -- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

From: LABLaughs.com on 9/7/2002 (S292b)
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

From: LABLaughs.com on 3/19/2003 (S320b)
Wise men put their trust in ideas and not in circumstances.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

From: LABLaughs.com on 6/19/2003 (S335b - thou-learn-sup)
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
-- Emerson, Ralph Waldo

From: LABLaughs.com on 6/29/2003 (S335b)
What lies behind us and what lies before us
are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

From: LABLaughs.com on 9/9/2002 (S293b)
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
-- T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)

From: LABLaughs.com on 9/27/2002 (S295b)
I can write better than anybody who can write faster,
and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
-- A. J. Liebling (1904-1963)

From: LABLaughs.com on 10/12/2002 (S297b)
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
-- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/18/2002 (S303b)
"Anyone who lives within their means suffers
from a lack of imagination." -- Oscar Wilde.

From: LABLaughs.com on 12/18/2002 (S307)
You are the same today that you are going to be five years
from now except for two things: the people with whom you
associate and the books you read. -- Charles Jones

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..............................Shocked Smiles from Smiley_Central.
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