(Includes 7 jokes and articles, 18697n,0,cf,md4w,0)
Also see Arkansas
State Residency Application'
HEADLNRS&ADDS- (see whole file)
GOD2 file - 'God's Questionnaire'
Subj: Application For Minnesota Citizenship
From: flovilla on 2/14/2004
Sex: _____ Ole _____ Lena
Religion: _____ Lutheran ______ Catholic
Income: _____We do OK
_____ None of your beeswax
Qualifications: (check all that apply)
___ I own a gas powered ice auger.
___ Fargo floods hit a little close to home.
___ I can name a dozen celebrities
who've stayed at
the Mayo Clinic.
___ I've been trick or treating in two feet of snow.
___ My grandmother made me eat lutefisk.
___ I liked it!
___ I've been to a block party.
___ My first beer was Hamms
___ My snowmobile has more miles on it than my car.
___ Despite what everyone else
says I DON'T HAVE AN ACCENT!
(For sure, you betcha I don't.)
___ I actually listen to telemarketers.
___ "Have a Nice Day" is an ORDER!
___ TV news anchors in Minnesota are celebrities.
___ Part of my tongue is on a flagpole somewhere.
___ It's not a rubber band! It's a rubber binder.
___ They mistake pop for "soda" or "coke" in most other states.
___ Hot Dish is neither a beautiful
woman nor an
___ Paw is both a hand and the
It's time to wear a hat when:
A) The temperature is below 10 degrees.
B) Your mother tells you to!
C) The temperature is -10 and the wind chill
is in double digits.
1. What "uff-da" means to me ______________________________
2. What "oopsy daisy" means to
You know you're from Minnesota when.....
1. Your idea of a traffic jam
is 10 cars waiting
to pass a tractor.
2. "Vacation" means going to Brainerd for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.
6. You use a down comforter in the summer.
7. Your grandparents drive 65
mph through 13 feet of snow
during a blizzard, without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes to social events.
9. You install security lights
on your house and garage
and leave both doors unlocked.
10. You think of the major food
groups as venison, walleye,
11. You carry jumper cables in
your car and your girlfriend
knows how to use them.
12. There are 7 empty cars running
in the parking lot at the
grocery store at any given time.
13. You design your kid's Halloween
costume to fit
over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the
winter because the potholes are
filled with snow.
15. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel p.j.'s.
16. You know all four seasons:
almost winter, winter,
still winter and road construction.
17. It takes you 3 hours to go
to the store for one item
even when you're in a rush because you have to stop
to talk to everyone in town.
18. You actually understand these
jokes and forward them to all
your friends from Minnesota (and some not from Minnesota).
Subj: Walmart Application (S346b, DU)
From: RFSlick on 9/14/2003
I hear he got the job~~~~~
This is an actual job application
that a 75 year old senior
submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas .... and they hired him
because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for
the right person
(or one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President
or Vice President. But
seriously,whatever's available. If I was in a position to be
picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY : $185,000 a year
plus stock options and a
Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible,
make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen
pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they're better suited
to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one,
would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS
THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the
more appropriate question
here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL
AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks no.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING
IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the
Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel
who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually,
I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE
IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Sagittarius
Subj: Personal Survey (DU)
From: Tom_Adams on 4/14/99
Name given at birth: Thomas Allen Whitney
Nicknames: Magnum TA. I'm too boring to have nicknames.
Favorite Word (s): Excellent! (Before Bill OR Ted)
Hometown: San Francisco, CA
Current Residence: Houston, Texas
Croutons or Bacon Bits: Croutons
Favorite Salad Dressing: Thousand Island
Shampoo or Conditioner: Shampoo
Have you ever gone skinny dipping: No.
Do you make fun of people: Rarely.
Favorite color (s): Blue
Have you ever been convicted of a crime: No
Pets: An adopted cat (Cherokee)
and dog (Kato) headed for
the pound. All my other pets but one have been strays,
and that one was a rescue mission.
Favorite type of music: Jazz, New Age Rock, Christmas.
Hobbies: Politics, internet
gaming, sharing stuff via
email with old, dear friends, Civil War.
Favorite Food: Shrimp. Any way, any how.
Do you get along with your parents:
No. Raised by my
grandparents, so for them, yes.
Favorite town to chill in: The City by the Bay.
Favorite Ice Cream: Pistachio,
Cherry Vanilla, and Mint n.
Chip triple scoop from Thrifty.
Favorite drink (non-alcoholic):
RC Cola, in a glass bottle,
or Coke, in the little 6 oz glass bottle.
Adidas, Nike, or Reebok: Payless
Favorite Perfume/Cologne: Copenhagen
Favorite Web Site: www.freerepublic.com
Favorite subject in school: Jazz Band
Least Favorite subject in (High)
(ironic for a chemist)
Favorite Book: Lord of the Rings
Favorite Movie: Kelly's
2nd favorite: Titanic... sorry but I want to look at
Kate Winslow naked. (Just kidding, Ash!)
Favorite alcoholic drink: Tom Collins or Gin n. Tonic.
Favorite Sport to Watch: Football
Humiliating moment: Nope, I am too insecure to go there.
What do you look for in the opposite
sex: A person who is
interesting with character and class.
Say one nice thing about the
person who sent this to you:
She's has a way to make me laugh no matter what mood I'm in.
Person you sent this to who is
least likely to respond: Oh
I'll get grief from everyone I'm sure...
Person you sent this to who is most likely to respond: Switz.
Destination (s) you most want
to visit: The LOVE Boat. (Soon
she'll be making another run... The LOVE boat, oh, never mind)
Subj: Application To Date My Daughter (DU)
From: Scott's Joke Archive 0n 5/31/97
(See 'Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter' in DATING2)
M. Initial___ Age____
Religion: _______________#Attendance's in the Last Year_____
1. Do you own or drive a Van? ______________
(If so Please Stop Filling Out Form)
2. In 50 words or less, describe what NO!!!! Means to you_____
3. In 50 words or less, describe what LATE!! Means to You_____
4. Where would you least like
To Be SHOT?_____________________
5. Which is the Last BONE You Want Broken?____________________
6. What do you want to be IF you grow up?_____________________
7. The Place for a WOMAN Is?__________________________________
8. What is MY Daughter's NAME?________________________________
9. Who besides GOD Should YOU FEAR the most?__________________
Parental Use Only:
Appearance Looks Like: Status:
Mel Gibson ___________Accepted:__________
David Letterman_______Rejected: __________
Pee-Wee Herman________Pending: __________
Subj: Application To Date My Daughter Form 2 (DU)
NOTE: This application will be
incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history,
lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________
GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #_______________
BOY SCOUT RANK __________
Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________
If NO, explain________________________________________________
Number of years married________
If less than your age, explain________________________________
Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____
A waterbed?______ A pickup with a mattress in back?______
A condom?______ Pornography?_______
Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring?_______
(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)
In 50 words or less, what does
DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, means
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
When would be the best time to
father, mother, and priest?_____________
Answer by filling in the blank.
Please answer freely, all
answers are confidential. (that means I won't tell anyone
EVER) The one thing I hope this application does not ask
me about is
When I first meet a girl,
the thing I notice about her first is ______________________
NOTE: if above answer begins
with T or A, discontinue. Leaving
premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine
fashion is advised.
What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ______________
Condoms come in packages of A:
3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OF THE ABOVE
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION
SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT
TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH,
DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION,
ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE AND RED HOT POKERS.
(that means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest.
Please allow four to six years
for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are
approved. Please do not try to call or write.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two
gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might
watch your back).
Subj: Application For A Date (DU)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #172
This is to certify that I, _____________________,
signed, being a female about to enjoy sexual relations with
Mr.__________, am above the age of legal consent, in my right
mind, and in possession of a sound body certify the following,
1. I am not under the influence
of any narcotics, liquor, or
other substance that might impair my senses during the act of
2. The gentleman in question
will not have to use force,
threats or promises of any kind to induce me, as I will
assume all the necessary positions with a clear mind and
of my own free will.
3. I don't give a damn about
his marital status: I will
4. I have no fear of him and
will not bite, kick fight,
scratch or use any other force to ward him off (unless, of
course he desires it).
5. I am not asleep or drunk and
am entering into this act,
because I love it as much as he does -- or will.
6. I assume all responsibilities
for damage to any bed sheets,
torn pillow cases, broken bed springs, and any other articles
that may become damaged as the result of pleasurable use.
7. I will not cry, grunt, or
scream so loud that everyone in
the neighborhood will hear me.
8. I expect during intercourse
to be bounced around, that is
to receive all that is coming to me; to stand or lie in any
position that he may deem necessary for the betterment of the
sexual connection; to sit, squeeze, pull, tighten, or loosen
any thing he determines to be important and beneficial to a
better relationship with him.
9. I will never under any circumstances
appear as a witness
against him or prosecute him in any way as the result of the
culmination of this sexual intercourse.
Signed before going to bed this
_____ day, __________, 20___.
NAME:____________; ADDRES______________ PHONE:__________
Personally appeared before me
who swears and affirms that the above is her signature, given
this day freely and without purpose of evasion or mental
Subj: Short Application Jokes
Subj: Mafia Application (S362b)
From: JokeOrNot.com on 12/26/03
The Mafia Application can be found on my web site at
or click 'Here' to see it in this file.