>>> Subj:     Application                  (Includes 7 jokes and articles, 18697n,0)

Yellow Rose from Gifarchiv.net

Also see Arkansas     - 'Arkansas State Residency Application'
         HEADLNRS&ADDS-  (see whole file)
         GOD2 file    - 'God's Questionnaire'
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Subj:     Application For Minnesota Citizenship
          From: flovilla on 2/14/2004

 Personal Information:

 Name ___________________son

 Sex: _____ Ole _____ Lena

 Home Address_________________________________________

 Cabin Address________________________________________

 Religion: _____ Lutheran ______ Catholic

 Income: _____We do OK
         _____We're Blessed
         _____ None of your beeswax

 Qualifications: (check all that apply)

 ___ I own a gas powered ice auger.

 ___ Fargo floods hit a little close to home.

 ___ I can name a dozen celebrities who've stayed at
     the Mayo Clinic.

 ___ I've been trick or treating in two feet of snow.

 ___ My grandmother made me eat lutefisk.

 ___ I liked it!

 ___ I've been to a block party.

 ___ My first beer was Hamms

 ___ My snowmobile has more miles on it than my car.

 ___ Despite what everyone else says I DON'T HAVE AN ACCENT!
     (For sure, you betcha I don't.)
 

 True/ False:

 ___ I actually listen to telemarketers.

 ___ "Have a Nice Day" is an ORDER!

 ___ TV news anchors in Minnesota are celebrities.

 ___ Part of my tongue is on a flagpole somewhere.

 ___ It's not a rubber band! It's a rubber binder.

 ___ They mistake pop for "soda" or "coke" in most other states.

 ___ Hot Dish is neither a beautiful woman nor an
     overheated plate.

 ___ Paw is both a hand and the male parent.
 

 Multiple Choice:

 It's time to wear a hat when:
    A) The temperature is below 10 degrees.
    B) Your mother tells you to!
    C) The temperature is -10 and the wind chill
       is in double digits.

 Essay Questions:

 1. What "uff-da" means to me ______________________________

 2. What "oopsy daisy" means to me _________________________
 
 

 You know you're from Minnesota when.....

 1. Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting
    to pass a tractor.

 2. "Vacation" means going to Brainerd for the weekend.

 3. You measure distance in hours.

 4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

 5. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.

 6. You use a down comforter in the summer.

 7. Your grandparents drive 65 mph through 13 feet of snow
    during a blizzard, without flinching.

 8. You see people wearing hunting clothes to social events.

 9. You install security lights on your house and garage
    and leave both doors unlocked.

 10. You think of the major food groups as venison, walleye,
     and Leinenkugels.

 11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend
     knows how to use them.

 12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the
     grocery store at any given time.

 13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit
     over a snowsuit.

 14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are
     filled with snow.

 15. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel p.j.'s.

 16. You know all four seasons: almost winter, winter,
     still winter and road construction.

 17. It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item
     even when you're in a rush because you have to stop
     to talk to everyone in town.

 18. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all
     your friends from Minnesota (and some not from Minnesota).

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Subj:     Walmart Application (S346b, DU)
          From: RFSlick on 9/14/2003

 I hear he got the job~~~~~

 This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior
 submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas .... and they hired him
 because he was so honest and funny!
 

 NAME:     George Martin

 SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person
      (or one who'll cooperate).

 DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President.  But
 seriously,whatever's available.  If I was in a position to be
 picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

 DESIRED SALARY : $185,000 a year plus stock options and a
 Michael Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible,
 make an offer and we can haggle.

 EDUCATION:    Yes.

 LAST POSITION HELD:    Target for middle management hostility.

 SALARY:   A lot less than I'm worth.

 MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen
 pens and post-it notes.

 REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

 HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

 PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

 DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited
 to a more intimate environment.

 MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one,
 would I be here?

 DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
 FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.?:    Of what?

 DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question
 here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

 HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:   I may
 already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

 DO YOU SMOKE?:   On the job no, on my breaks no.

 WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the
 Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel
 who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually,
 I'd like to be doing that now.

 DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
 OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

 SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

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Subj:     Personal Survey (DU)
          From: Tom_Adams on 4/14/99

 Name given at birth:   Thomas Allen Whitney

 Nicknames:  Magnum TA.  I'm too boring to have nicknames.

 Favorite Word (s):  Excellent!  (Before Bill OR Ted)

 Hometown:  San Francisco, CA

 Current Residence:   Houston, Texas

 Croutons or Bacon Bits:  Croutons

 Favorite Salad Dressing:  Thousand Island

 Shampoo or Conditioner:  Shampoo

 Have you ever gone skinny dipping:   No.

 Do you make fun of people:    Rarely.

 Favorite color (s):  Blue

 Have you ever been convicted of a crime:  No

 Pets:  An adopted cat (Cherokee) and dog (Kato) headed for
 the pound.  All my other pets but one have been strays,
 and that one was a rescue mission.

 Favorite type of music:  Jazz, New Age Rock, Christmas.

 Hobbies:  Politics, internet gaming, sharing stuff via
 email with old, dear friends, Civil War.

 Toothpaste:  Crest

 Favorite Food:  Shrimp.  Any way, any how.

 Do you get along with your parents:  No.  Raised by my
 grandparents, so for them, yes.

 Favorite town to chill in: The City by the Bay.

 Favorite Ice Cream:  Pistachio, Cherry Vanilla, and Mint n.
 Chip triple scoop from Thrifty.

 Favorite drink (non-alcoholic):  RC Cola, in a glass bottle,
 or Coke, in the little 6 oz glass bottle.

 Adidas, Nike, or Reebok:  Payless

 Favorite Perfume/Cologne:  Copenhagen

 Favorite Web Site:   www.freerepublic.com

 Favorite subject in school:  Jazz Band

 Least Favorite subject in (High) school:   Chemistry
 (ironic for a chemist)

 Favorite Book:  Lord of the Rings

 Favorite Movie:  Kelly's Heroes.
 2nd favorite: Titanic...  sorry but I want to look at
 Kate Winslow naked. (Just kidding, Ash!)

 Favorite alcoholic drink:  Tom Collins or Gin n. Tonic.

 Favorite Sport to Watch:  Football

 Humiliating moment:   Nope, I am too insecure to go there.

 What do you look for in the opposite sex:  A person who is
 interesting with character and class.

 Say one nice thing about the person who sent this to you:
 She's has a way to make me laugh no matter what mood I'm in.

 Person you sent this to who is least likely to respond:   Oh
 I'll get grief from everyone I'm sure...

 Person you sent this to who is most likely to respond:  Switz.

 Destination (s) you most want to visit:  The LOVE Boat. (Soon
 she'll be making another run...  The LOVE boat, oh, never mind)

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Subj:     Application To Date My Daughter (DU)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive 0n 5/31/97
          (See 'Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter' in DATING2)

 Form 1

 Name: Last___________First____________ M. Initial___ Age____
 Address:________________________________County___________
 Religion: _______________#Attendance's in the Last Year_____
 Parents:
 Father's Name________________#Marriages______#Years_________
 Address________________________________________________
 Mother's Name________________#Marriages______#Years_____
 Address________________________________________________
 1. Do you own or drive a Van? ______________
 (If so Please Stop Filling Out Form)

 2. In 50 words or less, describe what NO!!!! Means to you_____

 ______________________________________________________________

 ______________________________________________________________

 3. In 50 words or less, describe what LATE!! Means to You_____

 ______________________________________________________________

 ______________________________________________________________

 4. Where would you least like To Be SHOT?_____________________
 5. Which is the Last BONE You Want Broken?____________________
 6. What do you want to be IF you grow up?_____________________
 7. The Place for a WOMAN Is?__________________________________
 8. What is MY Daughter's NAME?________________________________
 9. Who besides GOD Should YOU FEAR the most?__________________

 Parental Use Only:
 Appearance Looks Like: Status:
 Mel Gibson ___________Accepted:__________
 David Letterman_______Rejected: __________
 Pee-Wee Herman________Pending: __________

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Subj:     Application To Date My Daughter Form 2 (DU)

 NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
 accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history,
 lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
 NAME______________________________________
 DATE OF BIRTH_____________
 HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________
 GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________
 DRIVERS LICENSE #_______________
 BOY SCOUT RANK __________
 AND BADGES_____________________________________________
 HOME ADDRESS__________________________
 CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____
 Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________
 If NO, explain________________________________________________
 Number of years married________
 If less than your age, explain________________________________
 ______________________________________________________________
 Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____
 A waterbed?______      A pickup with a mattress in back?______
 A condom?______        Pornography?_______
 Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring?_______
 A tattoo?___________

 (IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)

 In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, means
 to you?

 ______________________________________________________________

 ______________________________________________________________

 In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

 ______________________________________________________________

 ______________________________________________________________

 When would be the best time to interview your
 father, mother, and priest?_____________

 Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all
 answers are confidential. (that means I won't tell anyone
 EVER) The one thing I hope this application does not ask
 me about is

 _____________________________________________________________

 When I first meet a girl,
 the thing I notice about her first is ______________________

 NOTE: if above answer begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving
 premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine
 fashion is advised.

 What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ______________

 Condoms come in packages of A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OF THE ABOVE
 (circle one)

 I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT
 TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH,
 DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION,
 ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE AND RED HOT POKERS.

 ___________________________________________ Signature
 (that means sign your name)

 Thank you for your interest.  Please allow four to six years
 for processing.  You will be contacted in writing if you are
 approved.  Please do not try to call or write.
 If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two
 gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might
 watch your back).

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Subj:     Application For A Date (DU)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #172

 This is to certify that I, _____________________, the under-
 signed, being a female about to enjoy sexual relations with
 Mr.__________, am above the age of legal consent, in my right
 mind, and in possession of a sound body certify the following,
 to wit:

 1. I am not under the influence of any narcotics, liquor, or
 other substance that might impair my senses during the act of
 coitus.

 2. The gentleman in question will not have to use force,
 threats or promises of any kind to induce me, as I will
 assume all the necessary positions with a clear mind and
 of my own free will.

 3. I don't give a damn about his marital status: I will
 capitulate.

 4. I have no fear of him and will not bite, kick fight,
 scratch or use any other force to ward him off (unless, of
 course he desires it).

 5. I am not asleep or drunk and am entering into this act,
 because I love it as much as he does -- or will.

 6. I assume all responsibilities for damage to any bed sheets,
 torn pillow cases, broken bed springs, and any other articles
 that may become damaged as the result of pleasurable use.

 7. I will not cry, grunt, or scream so loud that everyone in
 the neighborhood will hear me.

 8. I expect during intercourse to be bounced around, that is
 to receive all that is coming to me; to stand or lie in any
 position that he may deem necessary for the betterment of the
 sexual connection; to sit, squeeze, pull, tighten, or loosen
 any thing he determines to be important and beneficial to a
 better relationship with him.

 9. I will never under any circumstances appear as a witness
 against him or prosecute him in any way as the result of the
 culmination of this sexual intercourse.

 Signed before going to bed this _____ day, __________, 20___.
 NAME:____________; ADDRES______________ PHONE:__________

 Personally appeared before me _____________________________
 who swears and affirms that the above is her signature, given
 this day freely and without purpose of evasion or mental
 reservation.

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Subj:     Short Application Jokes

Top
Subj:     Mafia Application (S362b)
          From: JokeOrNot.com on 12/26/03
          at http://www.jokeornot.com/voting_pics.php
 The Mafia Application can be found on my web site at
 http://jokelibrary.150m.com/yyPictures/work3.html
 or click 'Here' to see it in this file.

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Suprised Smiley from Imogenelumen

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