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Subj:     Letters1 Jokes
                 (Includes 14 jokes and articles, 02 1007,6,cf,wXT2a3,2)

Rose from
Blaufalkes Bonepage
Includes the following:  Dear Peyton Letters (S1007)
.........................All the Good Things - A Letter (S37)
.........................Johnny Carson Reads Letters From 3rd Graders - Video (S842d)
.........................Posted to Craig's List Personals: (S664)
.........................Peanuts Comic Strip (DU)
.........................Divorce Letters (S597b)
.........................Calvin and Hobbes - Cartoon (DU)
.........................A letter to Mom... (S402b, S768)
.........................Great Resignation Letter (376b-Ref)
.........................Letter From A US Soldier In Iraq - Web Page (S583)
.........................Dead Men Read No Mail
.........................Letter From The Smithsonian (S34)
.........................Goofy Writes A Letter - Cartoon (DU)
.........................Sex Chain Letter (S14)
.........................Letters With Hidden Meanings

Also see ARKANSAS file- 'A Letter From An Arkansas Mother To Her Son'
         BANKING-SUPP - 'An Old Lady's Letter To Her Bank'
         BARBIE file  - 'Barbie's Letter To Santa:'
         BATHROOM-SUPP- 'Toilet Seat Note To Bro'
         CHRISTMAS4   - 'Christmas Letter From Grandma'
         CHURCH file  - 'Chain Letter At Church'
         COLLEGE1 file- 'Letter Home From College Coed'
......................- 'Letter Home From College Son'
         COMPUTERS3   - 'Man E-Mails His Wife'
......................- 'Letter From Your Computer'
         COMPUTERS4   - 'Email Fraud'
.........COMPUTRS-SUP2- 'A Wife E-Mails Her Husband'
         DATING2 file - 'The Mr. Right Rejection Form Letter'
         DATING3 file - 'Mother Has Dinner At Son's Home'
         DIFFERENCES3 - 'Her Story And His Story'
         DOCTOR3 file - 'Dear Doctor...'
         DOGS3 file   - 'Dog's Letters To God'
         ELDERLY1     - 'Suicide Note' - Cartoon
......................- 'Suicide Note 2' - Cartoon
         ELDERLY3-SUPP- 'Letter From Grandma'
         GOD2 file    - 'Children's Letters To God'
......................- 'Letter From G-d'
......................- 'More Children's Letters To God'
......................- 'Children's Letters To God II'
         HALLOWEEN    - 'Bald Man w/Wooden Leg Goes To Party'
         IRISH2 file  - 'Irishman Needs His Garden Spaded'
         JOBS3 file   - 'New Manager And Three Envelopes'
......................- 'Resumes And Cover Letters'
......................- 'Resume Bloopers'
         LAWYER1 file - 'The Lawyer Wins One......'
         LETTERS2 file- 'Letter From Camp'
         MAILMAN-ETC  - 'Letter To God At Christmas'
         MARRIAGE1    - 'Accountant Leaves Wife For Secretary'
         NERD file    - 'Nerd Letters From Camp'
.........PENIS2 file  - 'Penis Asks For Raise'
......................- 'Dick Caught In Toilet Paper Dispensor'
         PILOT file   - 'Two Letters About A F-16 Flyby'
         POETRY file  - 'Rejected Hallmark Cards'
         POLIT-BUSH   - 'Osama Writes George Bush'
......................- 'Letter From Senior Against Bush'
         SANTA file   - 'Letter From Santa'
......................- 'If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly...'
         SANTA-SUPP   - 'Letters to Santa'
         SANTA2-DRAW  - 'Dear Santa Letter'
         SCHOOL2 file - 'Excuses To Stay Home'
         SHIT file    - 'Daughter's Poop Letter' - Photo
         SOLDIER2 file- 'Soldier At Front Gets 'Dear John' Letter'
......................- 'Redneck Joins The Army'
         SOLDIER-SUPP2- 'Veteran's Day School Note'
         STARTREK-SPAC- 'Hyundai: A Message to Space' - Video
         TAXES file   - 'Letter To The IRS'
......................- 'Letter To The IRS II'
         TAXES-SUPP   - 'A Letter To Our Senator'
         TEAR-JERKER2 - 'The Wallet'
         TRAINS file  - 'Letters About Train Service'
         TREES file   - 'Burning Your Mail'
         YOU_ARE_FROM - 'Moved To Silicon Valley'

============================================================Top
Subj:     Dear Peyton Letters (S1007)
          Created by Gatorade
          From:  Barbara Patterson on 5/1/2016
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/gDOP5-LqeaI
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.......Click 'HERE' to learn about Peyton Manning's letters.
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Top
Subj:     All the Good Things - A Letter (S37)
..........From: TNKRTEACH on 97-10-12

 He was in the first third grade class I taught at Saint Mary's
 School in Morris, Minn.  All 34 of my students were dear to
 me, but Mark Eklund was one in a million.  Very neat in
 appearance, but had that happy-to-be-alive attitude that
 made even his occasional mischieviousness delightful.

 Mark talked incessantly.  I had to remind him again and
 again that talking without permission was not acceptable.
 What impressed me so much, though, was his sincere
 response every time I had to correct him for misbehaving -
 "Thank you for correcting me, Sister!"  I didn't know what to
 make of it at first, but before long I became accustomed to
 hearing it many times a day.

 One morning my patience was growing thin when Mark
 talked once too often, and then I made a novice-teacher's
 mistake.  I looked at him and said, "If you say one more
 word, I am going to tape your mouth shut!"

 It wasn't ten seconds later when Chuck blurted out, "Mark is
 talking again."  I hadn't asked any of the students to help
 me watch Mark, but since I had stated the punishment in
 front of the class, I had to act on it.

 I remember the scene as if it had occurred this morning.  I
 walked to my desk, very deliberately opened my drawer and
 took out a roll of masking tape. Without saying a word, I
 proceeded to Mark's desk, tore off two pieces of tape and
 made a big X with them over his mouth.  I then returned to
 the front of the room.  As I glanced at Mark to see how he
 was doing he winked at me. That did it!  I started laughing.
 The class cheered as I walked back to Mark's desk,
 removed the tape and shrugged my shoulders.  His first
 words were, "Thank you for correcting me, Sister."

 At the end of the year I was asked to teach junior-high math.
 The years flew by, and before I knew it Mark was in my
 classroom again.  He was more handsome than ever and
 just as polite.  Since he had to listen carefully to my
 instructions in the "new math," he did not talk as much in
 ninth grade as he had in the third.

 One Friday, things just didn't feel right.  We had worked
 hard on a new concept all week, and I sensed that the
 students were frowning, frustrated with themselves - and
 edgy with one another.  I had to stop this crankiness
 before it got out of hand.  So I asked them to list the names
 of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper,
 leaving a space between each name.  Then I told them to
 think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their
 classmates and write it down.

 It took the remainder of the class period to finish the
 assignment, and as the students left the room, each one
 handed me the papers.  Charlie smiled.  Marked said,
 "Thank you for teaching me, Sister.  Have a good weekend."

 That Saturday, I wrote down the name of each student on a
 separate sheet of paper, and I listed what everyone else had
 said about that individual.  On Monday I gave each student
 his or her list.  Before long, the entire class was smiling.
 "Really?"  I heard whispered.  "I never knew that meant
 anything to anyone!" "I didn't know others liked me so
 much!"

 No one ever mentioned those papers in class again.  I never
 knew if they discussed them after class or with their
 parents, but it didn't matter.  The exercise had
 accomplished its purpose.  The students were happy with
 themselves and one another again.

 That group of students moved on.  Several years later, after I
 returned from vacation, my parents met me at the airport.
 As we were driving home, Mother asked me the usual
 questions about the trip - the weather, my experiences in
 general.  There was a light lull in the conversation.  Mother
 gave Dad a side-ways glance and simply says, "Dad?"  My
 father cleared his throat as he usually did before something
 important.  "The Eklunds called last night," he began.
 "Really?" I said.  "I haven't heard from them in years.  I
 wonder how Mark is."

 Dad responded quietly.  "Mark was killed in Vietnam," he
 said.  "The funeral is tomorrow, and his parents would like it
 if you could attend."  To this day I can still point to the exact
 spot on I-494 where Dad told me about Mark.

 I had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before.
 Mark looked so handsome, so mature.  All I could think at
 that moment was, Mark, I would give all the masking tape in
 the world if only you would talk to me.

 The church was packed with Mark's friends.  Chuck's sister
 sang "The Battle Hymn of the Republic."  Why did it have to
 rain on the day of the funeral?  It was difficult enough at the
 graveside.  The pastor said the usual prayers, and the bugler
 played taps.  One by one those who loved Mark took a last
 walk by the coffin and sprinkled it with holy water.

 I was the last one to bless the coffin.  As I stood there, one
 of the soldiers who had acted as pallbearer came up to me.
 "Were you Mark's math teacher?" he asked.  I nodded as I
 continued to stare at the coffin.  "Mark talked about you a
 lot," he said.

 After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates headed
 to Chucks farmhouse for lunch.  Mark's mother and father
 were there, obviously waiting for me.  "We want to show you
 something," his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket.
 "They found this on Mark when he was killed.  We thought
 you might recognize it."

 Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of
 notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and
 refolded many times.  I knew without looking that the papers
 were the ones on which I had listed all the good things each
 of Mark's classmates had said about him.  "Thank you so
 much for doing that" Mark's mother said.  "As you can see,
 Mark treasured it."

 Mark's classmates started to gather around us.  Charlie
 smiled rather sheepishly and said, "I still have my list.
 It's in the top drawer of my desk at home."  Chuck's wife
 said, "Chuck asked me to put this in our wedding album."
 "I have mine too," Marilyn said.  "It's in my diary."  Then
 Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took
 out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the
 group.  "I carry this with me at all times," Vicki said
 without batting an eyelash.  "I think we all saved our lists."

 That's when I finally sat down and cried.  I cried for Mark
 and for all his friends who would never see him again.

     THE END
      written by: Sister Helen P. Mrosia

 The purpose of this letter, is to encourage everyone to
 compliment the people you love and care about.  We often
 tend to forget the importance of showing our affections and
 love.  Sometimes the smallest of things, could mean the
 most to another.    I am asking you, to please send this
 letter around and spread the message and encouragement,
 to express your love and caring by complimenting and being
 open with communication.  The density of people in society,
 is so thick, that we forget that life will end one day.  And
 we don't know when that one day will be.  So please, I beg
 of you, to tell the people you love and care for, that they
 are special and important.

 Tell them, before it is too late.

Top
Subj:     Johnny Carson Reads Letters From 3rd Graders (S842d)
          From: Wimp.com on 2/21/2013
 Source1: https://www.youtube.com/embed/Eoj1iBKPmOU
 Source2: http://www.wimp.com/thirdgraders/

 On "The Tonight Show" on June 20,1986, Johnny Carson read
 letters from third graders in which they finish off proverbs.
 Click 'HERE' to see Johnny read these cute proverbs from
 3rd graders.

Top
Subj:     Posted to Craig's List Personals: (S664)
          From: tom on 9/25/2009
 Source: http://www.snopes.com/crime/justice/mugger.asp

 This Ad Was Posted to Craig's List Personals:

 To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night
 before last.  Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.

 I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you
 demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the
 knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.

 You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

 I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather
 important message.

 First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when
 I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket.  The evening
 was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

 My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45A
 CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder
 holster for it that very evening.

 Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon
 when pointed at your head wasn't it?

 I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd
 come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes,
 cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from
 calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

 After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed
 in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd
 done.  Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four
 other people's in the gas station on your credit card.  The
 guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely
 grateful!

 I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's,
 along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

 I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that
 was parked at the curb... after I broke the windshield and
 side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

 Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.

 Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the
 phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

 Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the
 DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama
 as my possible target.  The FBI guy seemed really intense and we
 had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

 In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you... but
 I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punish-
 ment for your threatened crime.  I wish you well as you try to
 sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and
 can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and
 perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

 Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

 Have a good day!

 Thoughtfully yours,

 Alex

Top
Subj:     Peanuts Comic Strip (DU)
          By Charles M. Schulz
 Source: https://www.twitter.com/arianamedina/status/437761893642797056
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Top
Subj:     Divorce Letters (S597b)
          From: ginafm on 6/25/2008

 (See 'Accountant Leaves Wife For Secretary' in MARRIAGE1)

 Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm
 leaving you forever.  I've been a good man to you for seven
 years and I have nothing to show for it.  These last two
 weeks have been hell.  Your boss called to tell me that you
 quit your job today and that was the last straw.  Last week,
 you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut,
 had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair
 of silk boxers.

 You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
 watching all of your soaps.  You don't tell me you love me
 anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as
 husband and wife.  Either you're cheating on me or you don't
 love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

 Signed,
 Your EX-Husband

 P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away
 to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
.
Drawing from tom on 8/21/2009
.
 Dear Ex-Husband - Nothing has made my day more than receiving
 your letter.  It's true that you and I have been married for
 seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've
 been.  I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your
 constant whining and griping.  Too bad that doesn't work.  I
 DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first
 thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!"

 Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say
 something nice, I didn't comment.  And when you cooked my
 favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER,
 because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.  About those
 new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99
 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a
 coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars
 from me that morning.  After all of this, I still loved you
 and felt that we could work it out.  So when I hit the lotto
 for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two
 tickets to Jamaica.  But when I got home you were gone.

 Everything happens for a reason, I guess.  I hope you have
 the fulfilling life you always wanted.  My lawyer said that
 the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
 So take care.

 Signed,
 Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

 P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister
 Carla was born Carl.  I hope that's not a problem.

Top
Subj:     Calvin and Hobbes (DU)
          Created by Bill Watterson
 Source: http://www.asiapacificoffset.com/index.php/blog
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Top
Subj:     A Letter To Mom... (S402b, S768)
          From: drgolfmd on 9/22/2004 and on 3/7/2009
      and From: dawineguy on 10/1/2011

 (See 'Letter Home From College Coed' in COLLEGE1)

 A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to
 see the bed was  nicely made and everything was picked up.
 Then she saw an envelope propped  up prominently on the
 center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom".

 With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and
 read the letter with trembling hands:

 Dear Mom,
 It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
 I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to
 avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real
 passion with John and he is so nice-even with all his
 piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes.
 But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John
 said that we will be very happy.  He already owns a
 trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
 whole winter.  He wants to have many more children with
 me and that's now one of my dreams too.  John taught me
 that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be
 growing it for us and trading it with his friends for
 all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.  In the meantime,
 we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
 John can get better; he sure deserves it!!  Don't worry
 Mom, I'm 15 years old ! now and I know how to take care
 of myself.  Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so
 you can get to know your grandchildren.

 Your daughter, Judith

 PS: Mom, none of the above is true.  I'm over at the
 neighbor's house.  I just wanted to remind you that
 there are worse things in life than my report card
 that's in my desk center drawer.  I love you!  Call
 when it is safe for me to come home.

Top
Subj:     Great Resignation Letter (S376-Ref)
          From: gheckman on 4/8/2004

 Actual letter of resignation from an employee at ******
 Computers, USA, to her boss, who apparently resigned very
 soon afterwards!

 Dear Mr. Baker,

 As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have
 a few very basic expectations.  Chief among these is that my
 direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the
 common ground squirrel.  After your consistent and annoying
 harassment of my coworkers and me during the commission of
 our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few
 true genetic wastes of our time.

 Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little
 nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into
 my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of
 precious oxygen.  I was hired because I know how to network
 computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide
 amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly
 attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the
 hundredth time.

 You will never understand computers.  Something as incredibly
 simple as binary still gives you too many options.  You will
 also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to
 try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will
 be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny
 new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

 You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for
 fault in others.  You have a sharp dressed useless look about
 you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you
 actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked
 staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring
 ineptitude.  In a world of managerial evolution, you are the
 blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at.
 Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
 Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting
 a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my
 resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

 1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it
 is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation.  The
 most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment."
 I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple
 of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be
 unable to do it on your own.

 2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system,
 and I know every password you have used for the last five
 years.  If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish
 your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you
 made me "back up" your useless files.  I do believe that
 terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the
 administration.

 3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures
 of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that
 you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror
 nude.  Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron
 you really are.  Suffice it to say I have never seen such
 odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those
 have been copied and kept in safe places pending the
 authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to
 use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your
 mistakes.)

 Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of
 recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow.  One word
 of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted
 repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.  Never
 f*** with your systems administrator.  Why? Because they
 know what you do with all that free time!

 Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

 Cecelia

Top
Subj:     Letter From A US Soldier In Iraq (S583)
          From: hellgunner50 on 3/26/2008
          (in Soldier-supp)
Drawing from Flickr.com

 This soldier's letter discusses the 4,000 soldiers who
 died in the Iraq War from a personal perspective.  You
 read his letter on my site by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Dead Men Read No Mail
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 1/31/98

 Dead Men Read No Mail

 By Scott Hanson
 (Scott Hanson is a news reporter and anchor
  with WESH-Channel 2 in Orlando.)

 My father died on Jan 02, 1995. He left no forwarding address.
 Therefore, it fell to me to collect his mail.  I didn't expect
 much really, since my sisters and I had been careful to notify
 his bank, insurance agent and a host of other businesses that
 one of their customers was no more.

 You would think a death notice would cut down on the amount
 of correspondence from those firms. Quite the contrary. Instead
 -- for months, mind you -- my deceased father continued to
 receive mail from companies that had been told of his passing
 but pressed on, determined to contact him anyway.

 The first to hope for a reply from beyond the grave was my
 father's bank.

    Dear Mr. Hanson,
    Our records indicate payment is due for overdraft
    protection on your checking account. Efforts to
    contact you have proven unsuccessful. Therefore, we
    are automatically withdrawing your monthly $28.00
    service charge from you account. Please adjust your
    records accordingly.
    Sincerely,
    The Phoenix Branch

    Dear Phoenix Branch,
    This is to notify you once again that Mr. Hanson died
    Jan 02, 1995. It is therefore unlikely he will be
    overdrawing his account. Please close his account, and
    adjust your books accordingly.
    Sincerely,
    Scott Hansom

 Later that same week, I receive this note from Dad's
 insurance company.  Again, this is a firm that had been
 told in no uncertain terms of his death.

    Dear Mr. Hanson,
    It's time to renew your auto insurance policy! To
    continue your coverage, you must send $54.17 to this
    office immediately. Failure to do so will result in
    the cancellation of your policy, and interruption of
    your coverage.
    Sincerely,
    Your Insurance Agent

    Dear Insurance Agent,
    This is to remind you that Mr. Hanson has been dead
    since January. As such, the odds he'll be involved in
    a collision are quite minimal. Please cancel the
    policy, and adjust your books accordingly.
    Sincerely,
    Scott Hanson.

The next day, I went to my mailbox to find this:

    Dear Mr. Hanson,
    Let me introduce myself. I am a psychic reader, and it
    is very important that you contact me immediately. I
    sense that you are about to enter a time of
    unprecedented financial prosperity. Please call the
    enclosed 900 number immediately, so I can tell you how
    best to take full advantage of the opportunities that
    are coming your way.
    Sincerely,
    Your Psychic Reader

    Dear Psychic Reader,
    My father regrets he will be unable to call your 900
    number. As a psychic reader, I'm sure you already know
    my father is dead, and had been for more that three
    weeks when you mailed your letter to him. I sense my
    father would be more than happy to take you up on your
    offer of a psychic reading, should you care to meet
    with him personally.
    Sincerely,
    Scott Hanson
    P.S. Should you be in contact with my father in the
    future, please ask him if he'd like to renew his car
    insurance.

A few months of calm passed, and then these arrived:

    Dear Mr. Hanson,
    Our records indicate a balance of $112 has accrued for
    overdraft protection on your checking account. Efforts
    to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Please pay
    the minimum amount due, or contact this office to make
    other arrangements.
    We appreciate your business and look forward to serving
    all of your future borrowing needs.
    Sincerely,
    Your Bank's San Diego
    District Office

    Dear San Diego District Office,
    I am writing to you for the third time now to tell you
    my father died in January. Since then, the number of
    checks he's written has dropped dramatically. Being
    dead, he has no plans to use his overdraft protection
    or pay even the minimum amount due for a service he no
    longer needs.
    As for future borrowing needs, well, don't hold your
    breath.
    Sincerely,
    Scott Hanson

    Dear Mr. Hanson,
    Records show you owe a balance of $54.17 to your
    insurance agent. Efforts to contact you have proven
    unsuccessful. Therefore, the matter has been turned
    over to us for collection.
    Please remit the amount of $54.17 to our office or we
    will be forced to take legal action to collect the debt.
    Sincerely,
    Your Insurance Agent's Collection Agency

    Dear Collection Agency,
    I told your client. Now I'm telling you. Dad's dead.
    He doesn't need insurance. He's dead. Dead, dead,
    dead. I doubt even your lawyers can change that.
    Please adjust your books accordingly.
    Sincerely,
    Scott Hanson

A few more months, and:

   Dear Mr. Hanson,
    Our records show an unpaid balance of $224 has accrued
    for overdraft protection on your checking account. Our
    efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful.
    Please remit the amount in full to this office, or the
    matter will be turned over to a collection agency.
    Such action will adversely affect your credit history.
    Sincerely,
    Your Bank's Los Angeles Regional Office

    Dear Los Angeles Regional Office,
    I am writing for the fourth time to the fourth person
    at the fourth address to tell your bank that my father
    passed away in January.
    Since that time, I've watched with a mixture of
    amazement and amusement as your bank continues to
    transact business with him. Now, you are even
    threatening his credit history.
    It should come as no surprise that you have received
    little response from my deceased father. It should
    also be small news that his credit history is of minor
    importance to him now.
    For the fourth and final time, please adjust your books
    accordingly.
    Sincerely,
    Scott Hanson

    Dear Mr. Hanson,
    This is your final notice of payment due to your
    insurance agent. If our firm does not receive payment
    of $54.17, we will commence legal action on the matter.
    Please contact us at once.
    Sincerely,
    Your Insurance Agent's Collection Agency

    Dear Insurance Agent's Collection Agency,
    You may contact my father via the enclosed 900 number.
    Sincerely,
    Scott Hanson

 It has now been a couple of months since I've heard from these
 firms. Either the people writing these letters finally believe
 my father is dead, or they themselves have died and are now
 receiving similar correspondence.

 Actually, there has been a lesson in these letters.  Any one
 of them would be cause for great worry, if sent to a living
 person.  The dead are immune from corporate bullying. There's
 nothing like dying to put business correspondence in its
 proper perspective.

 Perhaps that's the best reason not to fear death.  There's
 no post office there.

Top
Subj:     Letter From The Smithsonian (S34)
          From Snopes.com
 Source: http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/smithsonian.asp

 This is a letter that Sunni Mercer gave me to read.  There's
 this guy who digs up stuff in his back yard and mails it to
 the Smithsonian Institution as if it were real fossils and
 things.  This is an actual letter that the Institution mailed
 back to him.  It's hilarious!

 Jeremy Hoffpauir
 (Juan Gonzalez 4 President)
 

 Paleoanthropology Division
 Smithsonian Institution
 207 Pennsylvania Avenue
 Washington, DC  20078

 Dear Sir:
 Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
 "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post.  Hominid
 skull."  We have given this specimen a careful and detailed
 examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with
 your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the
 presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years
 ago."  Rather, it appears that what you have found is the
 head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who
 has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie".  It
 is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to
 the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain
 that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in
 the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your
 findings.

 However, we do feel that there are a number of physical
 attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off
 to its modern origin:

 1. The material is molded plastic.  Ancient hominid
    remains are typically fossilized bone.
 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately
    9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even
    the earliest identified proto-hominids.
 3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more
    consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is
    with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate
    roamed the wetlands during that time.  This latter finding
    is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have
    submitted in your history with this institution, but the
    evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it.  Without
    going into too much detail, let us say that:

 A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll
    that a dog has chewed on.
 B. Clams don't have teeth.

 It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny
 your request to have the specimen carbon dated.  This is
 partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its
 normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious
 inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.  To the best
 of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956
 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate
 results.

 Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the
 National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the
 concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name
 "Australopithecus spiff-arino."  Speaking personally, I, for
 one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed
 taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species
 name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound
 like it might be Latin.

 However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
 fascinating specimen to the museum.  While it is undoubtedly
 not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another
 riveting example of the great body of work you seem to
 accumulate here so effortlessly.  You should know that our
 Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for
 the display of the specimens you have previously submitted
 to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily
 on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site
 you have discovered in your back yard.

 We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that
 you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are
 pressing the Director to pay for it.  We are particularly
 interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding
 the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a
 structural matrix" that makes the excellent Tyrannosaurus
 rex femur that you recently discovered take on the deceptive
 appearance of a rusty 9 mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent
 wrench.
 

 Yours in Science,
 Harvey Rowe
 Curator,  Antiquities
 Carl Milofsky
 Department of Sociology
 and Anthropology
 Bucknell University
 Lewisburg, PA  17837
 (717) 524-3468; fax: 524-3760

 Snopes.com states that this letter is an Urban Legend
 written by Harvey Rowe in the spring of 1994 when he
 was a graduate student at MUSE in Charleston, SC.

Top
Subj:     Goofy Writes A Letter (DU)
 Source:  https://emilyelst.wordpress.com/tag/nanowrimo/
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Top
Subj:     Sex Chain Letter (S14)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #14

 With Sex, All Things are Possible
 This paper has been sent to you for good luck.  The original
 has been worn out from having passed through the hands of so
 many people. It had travelled around the world 70 times
 [Dear Reader: please help keep this count current.  If this
 letter falls into your hands after just completing one more
 circuit of the world, please add one to the count.]  The
 luck has now been sent to you.  You will experience great
 sex within four days of receiving this letter, provided you
 send it on.  Since the copy must tour the world, you must
 make ten copies and send them to others.  This is no joke.
 Send no money.  Send copies to people who need to get laid
 within 96 hours.  After he passed this letter on, a Montana
 Spinach Control Officer got his penis stuck in a cow-milking
 machine and had the longest series of orgasms of his life.
 John Elliot tried to pick up a prostitute, but, because he
 broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead.  When
 they searched his home, they found magazines of little boys
 which they showed to his neighbors.  In a suburb of Paris,
 Don Loray's trousers were ripped by an unsatisfied erection,
 51 days after failing to circulate the letter.  However,
 before this happened, a condom machine gave him three
 condoms for the price of one. (was this the consolation
 prize?)

 Do note the following: Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in
 1953.  He asked his secretary to make ten copies and send
 them out.  A few days later he encountered her in a red-light
 district making more than he had every paid her at work.
 General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw what he
 thought was a quarter in the street.  When he bent down to
 pick it up, a beautiful woman in a miniskirt walked by, and
 he got a great view.  Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken
 choker, received the letter and forgot that it had to leave
 his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went bowling with
 his best friend and never returned. Later, after finding the
 letter again, he mailed ten copies.  A few days later he got
 a wife and discovered that his old wife, who he thought was
 wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon for all
 these years! Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not
 believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled
 hot coffee in his crotch.

 In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was
 faded and barely readable, so she did not realize that this
 paragraph applied to her.  She promised herself she would
 retype the letter and send it on, but she put it aside to
 do later.  She was plagued with problems including herpes
 and other venereal diseases she contracted in her futile
 attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar.  The letter
 did not leave her hands in 96 hours.  She finally typed
 the letter and found a man with a 10-inch penis.

 Beware, however of the fate of the E-mail user at Trent
 University, Peterborough ON, that sent this letter to
 himself over five thousand times in one afternoon. Before
 leaving the computer lab a strange woman came up behind him,
 bit his ear and put her hand down his pants.  The ensuing
 surprise caused him to stumble forward and cry out.  As he
 attempted to arrest his fall by grabbing a nearby PC, a gob
 of spittle that had been flung from his mouth (as he cried
 out) landed deep into the inner recesses of the computer,
 all three (student, strange woman and computer) then
 experienced simultaneous Cyber-Orgasms of exponential
 intensity before exploding in a puff of smoking data.

 You must distribute at least ten copies within 96 hours of
 receiving this letter.  Those who do will find their love
 lives more fulfilling.  Those who do not will be doomed to
 one-night stands with mechanical devices.

Top
Subj:     Letters With Hidden Meanings
          From: Daemonic Funnies Page

 Dear Dad,
      $chool i$ really great.  I am making lot$ of friend$
 and $tudying very hard.  With all my $tuff, I $imply can't
 think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can
 ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
      Love,
      Your $on.

 ------------------------------------------------------------
 Dear Son,

 I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are
 eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.  Do NOt forget
 that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you
 can never study eNOugh.
      Love,
      Dad

                            \\\//
                           -(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
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.............................From Smiley_Central
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