Subj:     Letters2 Jokes
                 (Includes 21 jokes and articles, 12970,4,cf,wXT2,1)

Rose from
Some New Light Shed
Includes the following:  The Best "Dear John" Letter Ever Sent (S941)
.........................Letter From Mom (S737)
.........................Beetle Bailey Comic Strip (S603c)
.........................Little Bobby Writes A Letter To God (S541b, S739)
.........................Dear Husband: - Dear Ex-Wife: (S455)
.........................Great Divorce Letter (S377, DU)
.........................Dear Tide (S239b, S460b)
.........................Letters To Landlords (S194, DU)
.........................Chain Letter For Men (S258)
.........................Peanuts Comic Strip (DU)
.........................Male-Bashing Humor Chain Letter (S166, S593c)
.........................Letter From Camp (S142, DU)
.........................Chain Letters (S93)
.........................Pearls Before Swine Comic Strip (S970)
.........................The Four Types Of Chain Letters
.........................Dog And Cat Diaries (S375b)
.........................Lost Diary Of Noah
.........................Mortgage Letter (DU)
.........................Short Letter Jokes
..............................A Letter To God (S650b)
..............................A Love Letter (S355, S626b)
..............................Want Ad (S179)

Subj:     The Best "Dear John" Letter Ever Sent (S941)
          By Ben Dreyfuss
          Published by Mother Jones
 Source: http://www.motherjones.com/mixed-media/
......In 1947, years before she met John F. Kennedy,
......Jacqueline Lee Bouvier sent her high school
......boyfriend what is maybe my favorite Dear John
......letter of all time. Click 'HERE' to read it.

Subj:     Letter From Mom (S737)
          From: ezines@arcamax.com on 2/23/2011

 When the man came home, his wife was crying.

 "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.

 "My mother?  How could she do that when she is on vacation
 on the other side of the world?" the man asked.

 "I know.  But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived.
 I opened it because I was curious."


 "At the end of the letter it was written:
 PS.  Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter,
 don't forget to give it to my son."

Subj:    Beetle Bailey Comic Strip (S603c)
         By Mort Walker on 7/28/2008
Source: http://comicskingdom.com/beetle-bailey-1
Subj:     Little Bobby Writes A Letter To God (S541b, S739)
          From: Joke-of-the-Day-Mail.com on 5/20/2007
      and From: allenbergman on 3/10/2011

 Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was
 making dinner.  His birthday was coming up and he thought
 this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

 "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

 Little Bobby was a bit of a trouble maker.  He had gotten
 into trouble at school and at home.  Bobby's mother asked
 him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
 Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.  Bobby's mother,
 being a Christian woman, wanted Bobby to reflect on his
 behavior over the year.

 "Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have
 behaved this year.  Then write a letter to God and tell
 him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."  Little
 Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to
 write God a letter.


 Dear God,

 I have been a very good boy this year and I would like
 a bike for my birthday.  I want a red one.

 Your Friend,

 Bobby knew that this wasn't true.  He had not been a
 very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and
 started over.


 Dear God,

 I have been an "OK" Boy this year.  I still would
 really like a bike for my birthday.


 Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God
 either. So, Bobby wrote a third letter.


 Dear God,

 I know I haven't been a good boy this year.  I am
 very sorry.  I will be a good boy if you just send
 me a bike for my birthday please.

 Thank you,

 Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was
 not going to get him a bike.  Now, Bobby was very
 upset.  He went down stairs and told his Mom that
 he wanted to go to church.  Bobby's mother thought
 her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. "Just
 be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.

 Bobby walked down the street to the church on the
 corner.  Little Bobby went into the church and up to
 the alter.  He looked around to see if any one was
 there.  Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of
 the Virgin Mary.  He slipped the statue under his
 shirt and ran out of the Church, down the street,
 into the house, and up to his room.  He shut the
 door to his and sat down with a piece of paper and
 a pen and began to write his letter to God.





Subj:     Dear Husband: - Dear Ex-Wife: (S455)
          From: darrell94590 on 10/5/2005

 Dear Husband:

 I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you
 for good.  I've been a good woman to you for seven years and
 I have nothing to show for it.  These last two weeks have
 been hell.  Your boss called to tell me that you had quit
 your job today and that was the last straw.

 Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten
 my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even
 wore a brand new negligee.  You came home and ate in two
 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.
 You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or
 anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore.

 Whatever the case is, I'm gone.

 P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I
 are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

 Your EX-Wife

 Dear Ex-Wife:

 Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.  It
 is true that you and I have been married for seven years,
 although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

 I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant
 nagging.  Too bad that doesn't work.  I did notice when you
 cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that
 came to mind was "You look just like a man!"  My mother
 raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

 When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
 confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork
 seven years ago.  I went to sleep on you when you had on
 that new negligee because the price tag was still on it.  I
 prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just
 borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your
 negligee was $49.99.

 After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could
 work it out.  So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto
 for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two
 tickets to Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone.
 Everything happens for a reason I guess.  I hope you have
 the fulfilling life you always wanted.

 My lawyer says that with the letter you wrote, you won't
 get a dime from me.  So take care.

 P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but my brother,
 Carl was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

 Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

Subj:     Great Divorce Letter (S377, DU)
          From: Grampsboyd on 4/7/2004

 Dear Connie,

 I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other
 during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.

 The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again.  But
 that was just the wounded little boy in me talking.  Still,
 I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.  In my
 fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to
 me.  I guess my pride needed that.  But now I see that my
 pride's cost me a lot of things.

 I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you.  I don't care about
 looking bad anymore.  I don't care who makes the first move
 as long as one of us does.  Maybe it's time we let our hearts
 speak as loudly as our hurt.  And this is what my heart says:
 "There's no one like you, Connie."  I look for you in the
 eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you.
 They're not even close.

 Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her
 home with me.  I don't say this to hurt you, but just to
 illustrate the depth of my desperation.  She was young, maybe
 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and
 maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you.  I mean,
 just a perfect body.  Tits like you wouldn't believe and an
 ass that just wouldn't quit.  Every man's dream, right?

 But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I
 thought look at the stuff we've made important in our lives.
 It's all so superficial.  What does a perfect body mean?
 Does it make her better in bed?  Well, in this case, yes,
 but you see what I'm getting at.  Does it make her a better
 person?  Does she have a better heart than my moderately
 attractive Connie?  I doubt it.  And I'd never really
 thought of that before.  I don't know, maybe I'm just
 growing up a little.

 Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat
 yogurt, I found myself thinking,

 "Why do I feel so drained and empty?"  It wasn't just her
 flawless technique or her slutty shameless hunger, but
 something else.  Some nagging feeling of loss.  Why did it
 feel so incomplete?  And then it hit me.  It didn't feel
 the same because you weren't there to watch.  Do you know
 what I mean?  Nothing feels the same without you.  Jesus,
 Connie, I'm just going crazy without you.  And everything
 I do just reminds me of you.

 Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the
 Holiday Inn lounge last year?  Well, she dropped by last
 week with a pan of lasagna.  She said she figured I wasn't
 eating right without a woman around.  I didn't know what
 she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
 Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing
 you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom.  And this
 tart's a total monster in the sack.  She's giving me
 everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's
 not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the
 kids can hear us.  And all of a sudden, she spots that
 tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity.  So she
 puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can
 watch ourselves.  And it's totally hot, but it makes me
 sad, too.  Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie
 ever put the mirror on the floor?   We've had this old
 vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex

 Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the
 restraining order.  I mean Vicky's just a kid and all, but
 she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's
 been a real friend to me during this painful time.  She's
 given me lots of good advice about you and about women in
 general.  She's pulling for us to get back together,
 Connie, she really is.

 So we're doing Jell-O shots in the hot tub and talking
 about happier times.  Here's this teenage girl with the
 same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much
 she looked like you when you were 18.  And that just
 about makes me cry.  And then it turns out Vicky's
 really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to
 thinking about how many times I pressured you about
 trying it and how that probably fueled some of the
 bitterness between us.  But do you see how even then,
 when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon
 ring, all I can do is think of you?

 It's true, Connie.  In your heart you must know it.
 Don't you think we could start over?  Just wipe out
 all the grievances away and start fresh?  I think we
 can.  If you feel the same please, please, please
 let me know.

 Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking
 remote is...

 Love, Ken

Subj:     Dear Tide (S239b, S460b)
          From: pns on 8/29/2001
      and From: rfslick on 11/15/2005

 Dear Tide:

 I have always used your product ever since my college days,
 because Mom said it was the best.  One weekend about three
 months ago, I was at my girlfriend's place, wearing my new
 white shirt.  Much to my chagrin, I spilled some red wine
 all over the shirt.

 My girlfriend made the comment that I have a drinking
 problem, and one thing led to another and soon, I had her
 blood all over my now not-so-nice white shirt.  I tried
 washing it with her detergent, and it just didn't do the
 trick.  So, on my way home, I stopped at the store and
 picked up a box of new ULTRA TIDE.  It washed the stain
 so well that the DNA tests were entirely inconclusive.

 I can't praise your product enough. Thank you for saving
 my life, and my white shirt.

 I must go now, I also have to send my praise to the makers
 of Hefty garbage bags.

 Thanks again!
 Scott Peterson

Subj:     Letters To Landlords (S194, DU)
          From: RFSlick on 10/20/2000

 Genuine Excerpts from Letters Sent to Landlords...

 The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until
 it is cleared.

 I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and
 burnt my knob off.

 This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from
 the man next door.

 The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

 I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away
 from the wall.

 I request your permission to remove my drawers in the

 Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three

 The person next door has a large erection in his back
 garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

 Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
 Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

 Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and
 would like a third, so will you please send someone to do
 something about it.

 Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a
 funny color and not fit to drink.

 Would you please send a man to repair my down spout.  I am
 an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

 Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap.  My wife
 got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

 When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's
 new drawers and made a mess.  Please send men with clean
 tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

Subj:     Chain Letter For Men (S258)
          From: TAdams on 1/3/2002

 This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief
 to other tired and discouraged men.  Unlike most chain
 letters, this one does not cost anything.  Just send a
 copy of this letter to five of your friends who are
 equally tired and discontented.  Then bundle up YOUR WIFE
 and/or GIRLFRIEND and send her to the man whose name
 appears at the top of the following list, and add your
 name to the bottom of the list.

 When your turn comes, you will receive 5,625 women.  One
 of them is bound to be better than the one you already
 have.  At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine
 had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth

 REMEMBER this chain brings luck.  One man's pit bull died,
 and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model.  An
 unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was
 able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood
 super model.

 You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!  One man
 broke the chain, and got his own wife back again.  Let's
 keep it going, men!  Just add your name to the list below!

 Bill Clinton
 780 3rd Ave
 New York, NY 10017

 William Jefferson Clinton
 780 3rd Ave
 New York, NY 10017

 W. J. Clinton
 780 3rd Ave
 New York, NY 10017

 William Clinton
 780 3rd Ave
 New York, NY 10017

 W Jefferson Clinton
 780 3rd Ave
 New York, NY 10017

 William J Clinton
 780 3rd Ave
 New York, NY 10017

 Slick Willie Clinton
 780 3rd Ave
 New York, NY 10017

 Mr. Hillary Clinton
 780 3rd Ave
 New York, NY 10017

Subj:     Peanuts Comic Strip (DU)
          By Charles M. Schulz
 Source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/553098397958950220/
Subj:     Male-Bashing Humor Chain Letter (S166, S593)
          From: gheckman on 04/04/2000
      and From: ginafm on 5/30/2008

 Finally a chain letter worth sending!

 This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to
 other tired and discouraged women. Unlike most chain letters,
 this one does not cost anything.

 Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who
 are equally tired and discontented.  Then bundle up your
 husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name
 appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the
 bottom of the list.

 When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 men.  One of
 them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

 At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already
 received 184 men, 4 of whom were worth keeping.

 REMEMBER----this chain brings luck.  One woman's pit bull
 died, and the next day she received an NFL offensive tackle.

 An unmarried Jewish woman living with her widowed mother was
 able to choose between an orthodontist and a successful

 You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!  One woman
 broke the chain, and got her own husband back again.

Subj:     Letter From Camp (S142, DU)
          From: kate289 on 10/22/1999
      and From: DoctorDebt on 4/13/2004

 (See 'Nerd Letters From Camp' in NERD)

 Dear Mom and Dad,

 We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster
 Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw
 the flood on TV and worried.  We are okay.  Only 1 of our
 tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.

 Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on
 the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.  Oh yes,
 please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay.  He
 can't write because of the cast.  I got to ride in one of
 the Search and Rescue jeeps.  It was neat.

 We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been
 for the lightning.  Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for
 going on a hike alone without telling anyone.  Chad said he
 did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably did
 not hear him.  Did you know that if you put gas on a fire,
 the gas can will blow up?  The wet wood still didn't burn,
 but one of our tents did.  Also some of our clothes.

 John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.  We
 will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car
 fixed.  It wasn't his fault about the wreck.  The brakes
 worked OKAY when we left.  Scoutmaster Webb said that a car
 that old you have to expect something to break down; that's
 probably why he can't get insurance on it.

 We think it's a neat car.  He doesn't care if we get it
 dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the
 tailgate.  It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.  He
 let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway
 patrolman stopped and talked to us.

 Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good
 driver.  In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive.  But
 he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there
 isn't any traffic.  All we ever see up there are logging

 This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and
 swimming out in the lake.  Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me
 because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink
 because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the

 It was great.  You can still see some of the trees under
 the water from the flood.  Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby
 like some scoutmasters.  He didn't even get mad about the
 life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the
 car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

 Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges.
 When Billy dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to
 see how a Tourniquet works.  Brian and I threw up, but
 Scoutmaster Wayne said it probably was just food poisoning
 from the leftover chicken.  He said he got sick the same
 way with food he ate in prison.  I'm so glad he got out
 and became our scoutmaster.  He said he sure figured out
 how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
 By the way, what is a pedal-file?

 I have to go now.  We are going into town to mail our
 letters and buy bullets.  Don't worry about anything.  We
 are fine.


 P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

Subj:     Chain Letters (S93)
          From: RFSlick on 98-11-02

 reinforcing my request to PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME CHAIN

 1. Big companies don't do business via chain letter.  Bill
 Gates is not giving you $1,000, and Disney is not giving
 you a free vacation.  There is no baby food company issuing
 class-action checks.  You can relax; there is no need to
 pass it on ``just in case it's true.''  Furthermore, just
 because someone said in the message, four generations back,
 that ``we checked it out and it's legit,'' that does not
 actually make it true.

 2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans.  No one is
 waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a
 friend swears it happened to their cousin.  If you are hell-
 bent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see:
 urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm.  And I
 quote: ``The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly
 issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come
 forward and tell their stories.  None have.'' That's ``none''
 as in ``zero.'' Not even your friend's cousin.

 3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe.
 And even if they do, we all have it.  And even if you don't,
 you can get a copy at www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html.  Then,
 if you make the recipe and decide that the cookies are that
 awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.

 4. We all know 500 ways to drive roommates crazy, irritate
 co-workers and creep out people on an elevator.  We also
 know exactly how many engineers, college students, Usenet
 posters and people from each and every world ethnicity it
 takes to change a lightbulb.

 5. EVEN IF THE latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain
 plutonium that went particulate over the Eastern seaboard,
 do you REALLY think this information would reach the public
 via an AOL chain letter?

 6. There is no ``Good Times'' virus. In fact, you should
 never, ever, ever forward any e-mail containing any virus
 warning unless you first confirm it at an actual site of
 an actual company that actually deals with virii.  Try
 www.norton.com. And even then, don't forward it.  We don't

 7. If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual
 content of your message, you're probably going to hell.

 8. If you're using Outlook, IE or Netscape to write e-mail,
 turn off the ``HTML encoding.'' Those of us on UNIX shells
 can't read it and don't care enough to save the attachment
 and then view it with a Web browser, since you're probably
 forwarding us a copy of the damn Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe

 9. IF YOU STILL absolutely must forward that 10th-generation
 message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the
 eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received
 it over the last six months.  It sure wouldn't hurt to get
 rid of all the ``)'' that begin each line. Besides, if it
 has gone around that many times -- I've probably already
 seen it.

 10. Craig Shergold in England is not dying of cancer or
 anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop
 sending him their business cards. He apparently is also no
 longer a ``little boy'' either.

 Also, I am aware of the "move-on" petition; I think it's naive.

Subj:     Pearls Before Swine (S970)
          By Stephan Pastis on 8/12/2015
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2015/08/12
Subj:     The Four Types Of Chain Letters
          From: ossama on 98-07-05

 There are four basic types of chain letters:

 Chain Letter Type I:  Make a wish!!!

 (This is where you have to scroll down)

 Really, go on and make one wish!!!

 Oh please, s/he'll never go out with you!!!

 Wish something else!!!

 Not *that* either, you pervert!!

 Is your finger getting tired yet?

 You Can Stop now moron!!!!!!!!

 Wasn't that fun?  Hope you made a great wish.  Now, to make
 you feel guilty, here's what I'll do.  First of all, if you
 don't send this to a certain number of people in the next 5
 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown
 off a high building into a pile of manure.  It's true!
 Because, you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake
 ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes.

 Send this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you
 for sending them a stupid chain letter.

 Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be upset with you
 for sending them a stupid chain letter.

 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be upset with at you for
 sending them a stupid chain letter.

 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be upset with at you for
 sending them a stupid chain letter.

 20 to 674,951 1/2 people: 20 to 674,951 1/2 people will be
 upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

 Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!


 Chain Letter Type II

 Hello, and thank you for reading this letter.  You see,
 there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen
 who as no arms, no legs, no parents, and no pecker.  This
 little boy's life could be saved, because for every time
 you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Starving
 Legless Armless Parentless Peckerless Little Boys from
 Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.  Remember, we have no way of
 counting letters sent.  So go on, reach out.

 Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds.  Oh, and a
 reminder- if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people,
 you will die instantly and a mad goat will rape your dead
 body.  Thanks again!!


 Chain Letter Type III

 Hi there!!  This chain letter has been in existence since
 1897.  This is absolutely incredible because there was no
 email then and probably not as many little 8 year olds
 writing chain letters.  So this is how it works.  Pass
 this on to 1,5067 people in the next 7 minutes or some-
 thing horrible will happen to you like:

 Queer Horror Story #1
 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday.
 She had recently received this letter and ignored it.  She
 then tripped in a crack in the side walk, fell into the
 sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poop, and
 went flying out over a waterfall.  Not only did she smell
 nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

 Queer Horror Story #2
 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his
 mail and ignored it.  Later that day, he was hit by a car
 and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way,
 especially at Oklahoma City University).  They both died
 and went to hell.  They continued to suffer in hell where
 they were both cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for
 eternity.  This Could Happen To You!!!

 Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did.  Just
 send this letter to all of your loser friends, and every-
 thing will be Ok.

 Of course, there's the guy in Peoria Illinois who DID
 forward this on and then he married his secret crush, they
 moved to the suburbs, had 2.3 children and lived happily
 ever after.

 Right up until he started working late every night, started
 an affair with his secretary and boozing.  Then she started
 sleeping with the golf pro at the local country club, became
 addicted to sleeping pills and their 2.3 children got into
 gangs and drugs.  Then everything went to hell, and they got
 divorced.  She got the house and the kids, and he got the
 car and child support payment, and got to keep the mortgage
 payment, lost his job and his car and now is working the
 midnight shift at the local McDonald's.


 Chain Letter Type IV

 As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote.  Send it to
 every one of your friends.

 - A friend is someone who is always at your side,
 - A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell
   like a wet dog,
 - A friend is someone who likes you even though you're
   disgustingly ugly,
 - A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've
   soiled yourself,
 - A friend is someone who stays with you all night while
   you cry about your loser life,
 - A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they
   really think you should be raped by a mad goat and then
   thrown to vicious dogs,
 - A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums
   and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much
   English no, sorry that's the cleaning lady,

 Now pass this on!  If you don't, Satan will send dogs in
 heat to your room in your sleep!!

 There.  Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main
 types of chain letters, onto the ironic part.  In order for
 this to get any popularity, send it on!!!  If you don't
 think it was funny at all, don't bother, but otherwise
 forward this sucker to everyone you know!!  If you don't,
 I don't care.  Thanks!

 Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain
 letter, ignore it.  TRASH IT!!!  If it's a joke or some-
 thing, send it, sure!  Just don't forget to delete the
 chain letter part.  But if it's gonna make people feel
 guilty (i.e. the willieless boy from
 Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley
 who ended up in a waterfall of poop), just DELETE it.

 Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and
 say NO!!! to  BLOODY CHAIN LETTERS!!"  Thank you.

Subj:     Dog And Cat Diaries (S375b)
          From: riznliz on 4/1/2004

 Excerpt's from a dog's daily diary:

 8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

 9:30 a.m. Oh, boy! A  car ride! My favorite!

 9:40 a.m. Oh, boy! A walk! My  favorite!

 10:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My  favorite!

 11:30 a.m. Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

 Noon-Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!

 1:00 p.m. Oh,  boy! The yard! My favorite!

 4:00 p.m. Oh, boy! To the park! My  favorite!

 5:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

 5:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!

 6:00 p.m.  Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

 6:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Watching  TV with my master! My favorite!

 8:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Sleeping in  my master's bed! My favorite!

 Excerpts from a cat's daily  diary:

 Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me
 with bizarre little dangling objects.  They dine lavishly
 on fresh meat, while I am  forced to eat dry cereal.  The
 only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
 the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional
 piece of furniture.

 Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.  Today my attempt
 to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they
 were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of
 the stairs.

 In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors,
 I once again induced myself to vomit on  their favorite
 chair, must try this on their bed.

 Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
 an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and
 to try to strike fear into their hearts.  They only cooed
 and condescended about what a good little cat I was. (Hmmm,
 not working according to plan.)

 There  was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.  I
 was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event.
 However, I could hear the noise and smell the food.  More
 importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to
 my power of "allergies."  Must learn what this is and how
 to use it to my advantage.

 I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
 snitches.  The dog is routinely released and seems more
 than happy to return.  He is obviously a half-wit.  The
 bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and
 speaks with them regularly.  I am certain he reports my
 every move.  Due to his current placement in the metal
 room, his safety is assured.  But I can wait; it is only
 a matter of  time....

Subj:     Lost Diary Of Noah
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 5/11/98

 425 b.c. Day One

 Dear Diary,
 First day at sea. Whew! Just made it under the wire.  The
 animals seem happy, but the lions and tigers are beginning
 to become restless, and it was a bad idea to put the rhinos,
 hippos and elephants on the starboard side, and the birds,
 insects, gerbils and hamsters port. Took some work to
 'straighten" that one out, har har.  Too tired to talk to
 God tonight. (Get Him started about the furies of His
 judgement, and He just goes on and on...) So, off to bed...

 425 b.c. Day Three

 Dear Diary,
 Rain has stopped, finally, and there's not a whole lot of
 land left to see.  Saw a whole village's worth of people,
 all tied together in a pitiful attempt to save their own
 lives through common struggle. Sure glad I read those books
 about building my own shelter and surviving the Apocalypse;
 now if I can figure out what "canned rations" and
 "ferroconcrete bunkers" mean, I'll be in business.

 Shem lost his left hand to one of the lions yesterday.  God
 provided food, all right: a thick, mealy white powder that
 you could almost eat if you added a little salt water.  The
 budgies didn't like it, though, and the koala bears kept
 yelping for fresh eucalyptus leaves.

 425 b.c. Day Seven

 Dear Diary,
 Time to sweep the decks. No time to write.

 425 b.c. Day Seventeen

 Dear Diary,
 God decided to "help" by giving my the power to understand
 the animals' speech.  Imagine over fifteen thousand married
 couples, forced to live in cramped and confined conditions,
 squabbling over how much yummy white powder mixed with sea
 water they get to have. They also whine about how good they
 used to have it, on the green earth, eating trees and nuts
 and berries and each other. Can't sleep at night.

 425 b.c. Day Twenty-Two

 Dear Diary,
 Got so sick of white powder that we skinned and ate the
 unicorns.  This caused quite a ruckus in the equestrian
 section, and morale among the cows and chickens has sunk
 to a new low. God has helped the situation somewhat by
 confusing the thoughts of the higher primates, thus keeping
 them from undoing the knots on their cages.  Only problem
 is that they know they're being kept from thinking, and all
 I hear are anguished cries of "What are they _doing_ to
 us?" Meat was stringy anyway, and tasted like sandal thongs.

 425 b.c., Day Thirty

 Dear Diary
 Can't sleep.  Can't eat.  Quelled mutiny by executing the
 centaurs as an example.  Oldest son has developed strange
 religious beliefs based upon the frustrated mating cycles
 of our hyenas. Sight of humpbacked whale off port bow
 excited animals into thinking that God had sent it to
 destroy me and my family.  The night has a thousand
 phantoms that torment my soul.

 425 b.c., Day Thirty-Eight

 Dear Diary,
 I can't be-LEEVE what happened today.  You know Bobby
 Forester, that rilly cute guy in chemistry class?  Get this:
 he walked over to where Sondra and I were talking, and he
 asked me out to the new James Dean movie with him! God, can
 you be-LEEVE it? Sondra was _mortified_! (And I know she
 digs guys with motorcycles, like, you know she went to see
 "Wild One" something like twenty jillion times?

 She's gonna grow up to be a skag, doncha know...)  So now
 she's mad a me, but I gotta get some new crinolines because
 my old ones got chocolate syrup poured on them last week at
 the drive-in, so....

 425 b.c. Day Thirty-Nine

 Dear Diary,
 Becoming steadily less connected with day-to-day matters.
 Read yesterday's entry: thought someone else had written it.
 Had vision of strange birds.  Have forgotten what land looks
 like.  See no hope: God has forsaken me.  Tomorrow I shall
 go into the hold and begin putting the animals out of their
 misery, and ending this charade once and for all.  I shall
 begin with the gryphons and dragons....

Subj:     Mortgage Letter (DU)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 12/29/97

 (See 'The Lawyer Wins One......' in LAWYER1)

 To Whom It May Concern:
 After nine weeks and many phone calls, I am writing this
 letter to discuss a few items that the underwriter has not
 yet brought up (but probably will).

 I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of the Communist
 Party.  Neither my parents nor my grandparents were ever
 members of the Communist Party.

 I was born seven months after my parents were married.  I
 hope this doesn't disqualify me for the mortgage, I will
 have my mother and father send a letter to you explaining
 how this happened if you feel it is necessary.

 I am not a bedwetter or a homosexual.

 I have no religious affiliation.  If this is a problem, I
 will get a letter from a priest, minister and rabbi stating
 they will let me join up if you feel it is necessary.

 I want to apologize for having $36,000 in the bank account
 that I reported having $8,000.  I guess if the underwriters
 find out that I have over $100,000 spread out in other banks
 and investments, I never will get the mortgage.  I also want
 to apologize for only putting $55,000 down on a $115,000
 house.  I'm really concerned because my wife and I are
 earning only $78,000 this year.  If you decide this is not
 enough, I will be happy to take a part time job at night at
 Roy Rogers.  I will have the manager at Roy Rogers send you
 a letter if you feel it is necessary.

 I am a registered Republican.  I know this may not sit well
 with the underwriters who are Democrats.  My only defense
 for this is anytime you see a man driving a Jaguar, wearing
 $600 custom made suits, $165 Gucci loafers, $70 custom made
 shirts, wearing a $2000 diamond pinkie ring, a $750 Cartier
 watch, carrying a $265 cigarette case and a $400 attache
 case he is either a Republican or a dope dealer.  I am not
 a dope dealer and will send you a letter stating so if you
 feel it is necessary.

 There are three things that concern me:
 1. When you buy a mattress there is a label that says "Do
 not remove under penalty of fine or imprisonment".  I'm
 sorry!  It was a rash, impulsive thing for me to do.  I was
 only a kid at the time.  I promise I will never do it again.
 2. In February of 1934 my grandmother missed a payment to
 Sears.  She is dead, but I will have the undertaker send
 you a letter explaining why she can't send a letter
 explaining her delinquency if you feel it is necessary.
 3. On April 14, 1968 I got a traffic ticket.  I will
 certainly send a letter on this one.  However, the real
 problem is that the police officer who issued the summons
 was divorced.  I have requested that he send a copy of his
 divorce decree and separation agreement to you.  I hope
 this will suffice.

 In closing, let me thank you, the receptionist, the person
 who took my original application, the underwriting staff,
 your appraisal department, the manager of your branch, and
 the president of your company for granting me this loan.
 God willing, we will make it to the settlement table and
 we will realize the American Dream and live in our own home!

Subj:     Short Letter Jokes

Subj:     A Letter To God (S650b)
          From Gilmore at Napa bridge on 6/19/09
 Dear God,
      Please send those ladies on daddy's computer
 some cloths.

Subj:     A Love Letter (S355, S626b)
          From: tadams96 on 11/14/2003
 I shall seek and find you...
 I shall take you to bed and have my way with you...
 I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.
 I will make you beg for mercy... Beg for me to stop.
 I will exhaust you to the point that you will be
    relieved when I'm finished with you,
 And you will be weak for days.

 All my love,

 The Flu

 Now get your mind out of the gutter..............
    and GO GET YOUR FLU SHOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Subj:     Want Ad (S179)
          From: RFSlick on 7/2/00
 (Also see 'Personal Ad' in DATING1)
 A  tall  well-built  woman  with good
 reputation,   who   can  cook   frogs
 legs, who  appreciates a  good  fuc-
 schia garden, classic music and tal-
 king  without  getting  too  serious.
 But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

                           -(o o)-
.............................Smiley writes from Smiley_Central