Subj:     Funny Lists                  (Includes 22 jokes and articles, 22753,3,cf)           Click "Here" for List-Supp

Bookwork from Millanimations

Also see BUMPER STCKRS-  (see whole file)
         CANDY file   - 'Top Ten Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Men'
         CARS3 file   - 'Firestone Tires'
         CARS-SUPP    - 'Why There Are No Black NASCAR Drivers'
         COLLEGE-GRAD - 'The Top Ten Lies Told By Graduate Students'
......................- 'Top Five Lies Told By Teaching Fellows'
......................- 'You Just Might Be A Grad Student If'
         COMPUTERS3   - 'Funny E-Mail Addresses'
         COMPUTERS-SUP- 'The 10 Worst Website Names'
......................- '12 Steps For Leaving The Web'
         COWBOY2 file - 'Top 30 Things A Texan Will Never Say'
         DATING1 file - 'Pick-Up Line Retorts'
......................- 'Ways To Turn Men Down'
         DOGS2 file   - 'Things We Can Learn From A Dog...', etc.
......................- 'Dog Property Laws'
......................- 'Life Lessons Learned From A Dog'
         DRINKING file- 'New Wines From Wal-mart'
         DRINKINGBEER2- 'Why A BEER Is Better Than A Woman'
.........DRIN-BEER-SUP- '7 Year Old's Reasons To Like Beer'
         ELDERLY3 file- 'Games For When We Are Older'
         ELDERLY3-SUPP- 'The ABC's of Aging...'
         FACTS4 file  - 'True/False Trivia Test'
         FUCK file    - 'Famous Fucking Quotes"
         GOLF3 file   - 'Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....'
         HOWTO file   - 'How To Pick Up Women'
         JOBS3 file   - 'Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked'
......................- 'If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk'
......................- 'Bill Gates' Message on Life'
......................- '27 Signs You've Had Too Much Of The 90's'
         JUDGE file   - 'Top 20 Arguments in Microsoft's Appeal'
         KIDS2 file   - 'Kids On Love And Marriage'
         LIES file    - 'The Biggest Lies'
         MANNERS&ADV  - 'Some Cleaning Tips'
         MARRIAGE4    - 'The Ten Commandments Of Marriage'
......................- 'The Ten Commandments Of Love'
         MATH2 file   - 'Top 10 Reasons To Convert To Metric System'
         MEN2 file    - 'Ideal Man Quiz!'
         MEN3 file    - '100 Reasons Why it's Great Being A Guy'
......................- 'A Man's "50 Rules For Women"'
......................- 'If Men Were To Re-Write The Rules'
         MenQuestions - '5 Toughest Questions For Men'
         MOVIES_ETC   - 'Movie Titles for an Aging James Bond'
......................- 'If Schwarzenegger Was Gov Of Calif.'
         NATIONAL2    - 'The U.S.A. In The Year 1904'
         NUDIST file  - '30 Harsh Things To Say To A Naked Guy'
         ONE-LINERS   -  (see whole file)
         OTHER-OCCUP  - 'Baby Names Based On Occupation'
         PUSSY file   - 'Why The Internet Is Like A Vagina'
         SCHOOL2 file - 'Real Teachers'
         TESTS2 file  - 'The Best 'Pick A Color, Etc. Quiz''
         WOMEN2 file  - 'Ideal Woman!'
......................- 'What I Want In A Man II'
         WOMENBETTRTHT- 'Ten Reasons Why Some Men Prefer Handguns Over Women'
......................- 'Lists Of Why Beer, Guitars, Sheep And Cats
......................- 'Are Better Than Women'
         THOUGHTS-SLLY- 'We'd Like To See On Office Posters'
         THOU-SLY_SUPP- 'All I Need to Know About Life I Learned From Shopping'
         THO-TIME-SUPP- 'Top 25 things We Wish Would Comeback'
         VALENTINE    - 'Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards'
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Subj:     18 Things I've Learned By Dave Barry (S217, S753)
          From: spyda on 3/24/2001
      and From: tom on 2/7/2008

 18 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
 by Dave Barry

  1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
     compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

  2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the
     human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its
     full potential, that word would be "meetings."

  3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
     illness."

  4. People who want to share their religious views with you
     almost never want you to share yours with them.

  5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all
     of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity,
     He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV
     with a bad hairstyle.

  6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

  7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take
     it too seriously.

  8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always
     one individual who perceives a solution and is willing
     to take command.  Very often, that individual is crazy.

  9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and
     dance.

 10. Never lick a steak knife.

 11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

 12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

 13. The main accomplishment of almost all organized
     protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

 14. You should never say anything to a woman that even
     remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant
     unless you can see an actual baby emerging from
     her at that moment.

 15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting
     other people to make a big deal about your birthday.
     That time is age eleven.

 16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless
     of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic
     background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe
     that we are above average drivers.

 17. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter,
     is not a nice person.

 18. Your friends love you anyway.

 And a new one added

 19. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
     and a laxative on the same night.

 Thought for the day:
 Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that
 amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

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Subj:     Headlines 2050 (S215)
          From: JBCARY1 on 3/14/2001
          (see 'The Future In Year 2035' in NATIONAL2)

 Florida to be readmitted to Union
 Texas executes last remaining citizen
 Mother Monica dies: Revered hero of Bangkok slums overcame
    lurid past with US president
 Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, weds handsome young
    actor. 'This is true love.' he beams.
 Construction begins on Grenada War Memorial in DC
 President "Bonecrusher" Jones to face Chief Justice
    "Maddog" Ortega in cage Match.
 Baltimore Rams defeat St. Louis Ravens
 Pope Phil II settles custody battle with ex-wife
 Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on mutants
 Younger generation's music provokes outrage of elders
 DC Zoo to receive rare cow
 Authentic year 2000 chad sells for $6.9 Million at Sotheby's
 Nursing home lawsuit case: Clinton denies candy striper's allegations
 Court clears AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-Nabisco
    Exxon-Mobil of monopoly charges.
 50-year study: Diet and exercise key to weight loss
 Baby conceived naturally
 It wasn't the cigarettes - It was the ashtrays

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Subj:     Top Twenty Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped (S189)
          From: CHRISDADDYG on 09/14/2000

 A new one hear recently on "Friends" ,
 Gunther to Phoebe's jock boyfriend,
 "Hey man, put the mouse back in the house."

 20.  The cucumber has left the salad
 19.  I can see the gun of Navarone
 18.  Someone tore down the wall, & your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
 17.  You've got Windows on your laptop.
 16.  Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
 15.  Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
 14.  Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower & tend to his bells.
 13.  You need to bring your tray table to the upright
      and locked position.
 12.  Paging Mr. Johnson....Paging Mr. Johnson....
 11.  Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
 10.  Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
  9.  Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
  8.  Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir
  7.  The Buick is not all the way in the garage
  6.  Dr. Kimble has escaped!
  5.  You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
  4.  Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
  3.  You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
  2.  I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
  1.  Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis.
      or
  1.  I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

  0.  Do you have a license for that hot dog stand?
      (Told to me by Chuck Britt)

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Subj:     Your Character Based On Birth (DU)           From: RFSlick on 4/22/00 Picture from RoosunShine.blogspot...

 This list is so long that it needs its own file.
 Click 'HERE' to view it.
 

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Subj:     Top Ten Rejected Dr. Seuss Books
          From: RFSlick on 98-07-15

 10.      The Cat in the Microwave
  9.      Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
  8.      Your Colon Can Moo-Can You?
  7.      The Fox in Detox
  6.      The Grinch's Ten Inches
  5.      One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
  4.      Zippy the Gerbil
  3.      My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
  2.      Who Shat in the Hat?

 AND THE NUMBER ONE DR. SEUSS BOOK THAT WAS REJECTED BY HIS PUBLISHER
 

1.      Horton Hires a Ho

 Plus the newest reject from: ginafm on 12/13/2008
 
 

My Foot in Your Ass

 Click 'HERE' to see enlargements of these two covers.

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Subj:     Kids Books That Didn't Make It (S223)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/4/2001

  1) You're Different -- And That's Bad
  2) The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
  3) Robert: Dad's New Wife
  4) Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
  5) The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
  6) Kathy Was So Bad That her Mom Stopped Loving Her
  7) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
  8) All Cats Go to Hell
  9) The Little Sissy That Snitched
 10) Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
 11) That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption.
 12) Grandpa Gets a Casket
 13) 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool
 14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
 15) Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
 16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
 17) Strangers Have the Best Candy
 18) Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
 19) You Were an Accident
 20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
 21) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
 22) Your Nightmares Are Real
 23) Where Would You Like to be Buried?
 24) You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown
 25) Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of
     Things from Your Nose

 --Submitted by Travis Tyler

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Subj:     Lessons About Life (S75)
..........From: DR SWITZER on 98-07-06

  1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but
     it will be yours for the entire period this time round.

  2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full time
     informal school called life.  Each day in this school
     you will have the opportunity to learn lessons.  You
     may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

  3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process
     of trial and error: experimentation.  The 'failed'
     experiments are as much a part of the process as the
     experiment that ultimately 'works'.

  4. A lesson is repeated until learned.  A lesson will be
     presented to you in various forms until you have learned
     it.  When you have learned it, you can then go on to the
     next lesson.

  5. Learning lessons do not end.  There is no part of life
     that does not contain its lessons.  If you are alive,
     there are lessons to be learned.

  6. "There" is no better than "here."  When you're "there"
     has become a "here", you will simply obtain another
     "there" that will, again, look  better than "here."

  7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or
     hate something about another person unless it reflects
     something you love or hate about yourself.

  8. What you make of your life is up to you.  You have all
     the tools and resources you need.  What you do with
     them is up to you.  The choice is yours........

  9. Your answers lie inside you.  The answers to Life's
     questions lie inside you.  All you need to do is look,
     listen and trust!

 10. You will forget all this.

 11. You can remember it whenever you want !!!!!!!!!

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Subj:     Rules Men Wish Women Knew (S131B, S387b)
          From: RFSlick on 8/4/99
      and From: DoctorDebt on 6/19/2004

  1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
  2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
  3. Don't cut your hair, ever.
  4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
  5. Get rid of your cat.
  6. Sunday =3D Football.
  7. Anything you wear is fine, really.
  8. Women wearing Wonder bras and low cut blouses lose their
     right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
  9. You have too many shoes.
 10. Crying is blackmail.
 11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
 12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
 13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult that peeing
     from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
 14. Yes, and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
 15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
 16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
 17. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
 18. If you don't dress like the Victoria Secret girls, don't
     expect us to act like soap opera guys.
 19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways,
     and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, then we meant
     the other one.
 20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we
     know how pretty you are?
 21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to appear.
 22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell
     how you want it done-not both.
 23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and
     neither do we.
 24. You have enough clothes.
 25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.

and now a second version

Top
Subj:     Men's Rules For Women

  1.  It is only common courtesy that you should leave
      the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
  2.  If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be
      sure to include something from each of the four
      major male food groups:  Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
  3.  Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
  4.  Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in
      many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the
      country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
  5.  Shopping is not fascinating.
  6.  When he asks for a threesome with you and your best
      friend, he is only joking.
  7.  Unless the answer is yes.
  8.  In which case, can he videotape it?
  9.  If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking
      assholes.
 10.  The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire
      with a stick and/or tending the grill.
 11.  Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon
      from across the room is not funny.
 12.  Money does not equate love.  Not even in Nevada.
 13.  Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how
      feeble (ie. Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti,
      etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of
      praise a parent might shower upon their infant when
      it walks for the first time.
 14.  Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay.
      Accept it.
 15.  He heard you the first time.
 16.  You know, YOU can ask HIM out too...  Let's spread
      the rejection around a little.
 17.  If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you
      don't really want the answer to.
 18.  Of COURSE he wants another beer.
 19.  The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
 20.  Dogs good.  Cats bad.
 21.  Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
 22.  If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you
      have to sit through "Showgirls" [also "striptease" when
      it hits video]
 23.  "Fine." is not an acceptible way to end an argument.
 24.  Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities
      by suggesting he stop for directions.
 25.  He was not looking at that other girl.
 26.  Well, okay...  maybe a little.
 27.  Okay, so what!  He was looking at her.  Big deal.
      Like you never looked at another guy...
 28.  There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "cunt".
 29.  He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most
      successful man you have ever met.
 30.  And all your friends think so too.  Especially the cute ones.
 31.  Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs
      look fine.  As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good.
      Stop asking.
 32.  If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake
      an orgasm.
 33.  It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your
      menstrual flow with him.
 34.  Remember:  that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like
      shampoo if left in the shower.
 35.  Two words:  blow job.  Learn it.  Live it.  Love it.
 36.  Dirty laundry comes in several categories:  Looks fine/
      smells fine,  Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells
      fine.  Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to
      disrupt piles organized in this manner.
 37.  Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford  is
      prettier than you.  Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/
      Keanu Reeves is better looking than him.  But since
      neither one of you is going to be dating any of these
      people, love the one you're with.
 38.  Of course size matters, and boy does he have the
      grandaddy of them all.
 39.  His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer
      gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash,
      is cute.
 40.  Don't hog the covers.
 41.  Watching football is a major turn-on for you.  But
      please wait until the halftime show to act upon that...
 42.  He does not just want to be friends.
 43.  A successful date always starts with the woman uttering
      the sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the
      expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus
      sex all night?"

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Subj:     Things The Perfect Woman Would Say (S109)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #288 on 99-03-01

  1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
  2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
  3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
  4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie,
     a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy
     over for a threesome!
  5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm
     gonna bust!
  6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you
     please try again?
  7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
  8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than
     go shopping.
  9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
 10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
 11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out
     women's asses.
 12. I'll be out painting the house.
 13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's,
     I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
 14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing nude
     again, come see!
 15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
 16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
 17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
 18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing
     and buy yourself new clubs.
 19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year
     for Christ's sake.  You go hunting with the guys, it's
     a wonderful stress reliever.
 20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
 21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on
     let's go to that new strip joint!
 22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why
     don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down
     to 7 or 8.
 23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop
     getting up for the night feedings.
 24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
 25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles
     behind my head for ya.

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Subj:     The Last 10 Thinks A Woman Would Ever Say: (S36)

 10.  Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of
      just being friends.
  9.  Go ahead and leave the toilet seat up. It's easier to
      douche that way.
  8.  I think hairy butts are really sexy.
  7.  Hey, get a whiff of that one.
  6.  Please don't throw that old t-shirt away. The holes in
      the armpits are too cute.
  5.  This diamond is way too big.
  4.  Wow! It really IS fourteen inches!
  3.  Does this make my butt look too small?
  2.  I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get
      to swallow.
  1.  I have a headache; let's have sex.
      or
  1.  I'm wrong, you must be right again.

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Subj:     The Last 10 Thinks A Man Would Ever Say:

 10.  I think Barry Manilow is one cool M.F.
  9.  While I'm up can I get you a beer?
  8.  I'm absolutely wrong, you must be right.
  7.  Her tits are way too big.
  6.  Sometimes I just want to be held.
  5.  That chick on "Murder She Wrote" gives me a woody.
  4.  Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
  3.  We haven't been to the mall in ages.  Let's go!
  2.  Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
  1.  I think we're lost.  We'd better stop and ask for directions.

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Subj:     Top 10 Things You Never Say To A Woman During An Argument: (S336)
          From: pns on 7/3/2003

 10.  "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?"

  9.  "Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off."

  8.  "You're just upset because your ass is
      beginning to spread."

  7.  "Wait a minute...  I get it - what time
      of the month is it?"

  6.  "You sure you don't want to consult the
      Great Oprah on this one?"

  5.  "Sorry, I was just picturing you tied up and naked."

  4.  "Whoa, time out honey.  Football is on."

  3.  "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of
      Bitch Flakes this morning."

  2.  "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?"

  And The Number One Thing You Should Never
  Say To A Woman During An Argument....

  1.  "Who are you kidding?  We both know that thing
      ain't loaded."

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Subj:     Murphy's Laws On Love And Sex

 "Don't worry.  I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy."
 "I won't come in your mouth, I promise."
 "I'm not really married."
 "It's only a cold sore."
 "Looks aren't important to me.  I like you for your personality."
 "Size isn't important."
 "This won't hurt, I promise."
 "We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and
    hold each other."
 "We'll always be together."
 A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't
    love her.
 A man in the house is worth two in the street.
 A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
 A woman never forgets the men she could have had;
    a man, the women he couldn't.
 Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
 All the good ones are taken.
 Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
 Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to
    kiss a lot of frogs.
 Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant
 Do it only with the best.
 Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
 Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
 Fornication:  Term used by people who don't have anybody
 to screw with.
 If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
 If the effort that went in research on the female bosom
    had gone into our space program, we would now be
    running hot-dog stands on the moon.
 If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary
    to the above law)
 If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours,
    then you're bound to get married.
 If you get them by the balls, their hearts and
    minds will follow.
 If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more
    than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him;
    it means he experiments.
 It is always the wrong time of month.
 It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
 It is better to have loved and lost than never to
    have loved at all.
 It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the
    ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
 Love comes in spurts.
 Love is a hole in the heart.
 Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
 Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
 Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
 Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.
 Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great
    bargaining position.
 Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.
 Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
 Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
 Never say no.
 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
 Nice guys finish last.
 No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered
    take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
 No sex with anyone in the same office.
 Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M.
 Nothing improves with age.
 One good turn gets most of the blankets.
 People to whom you are attracted invariably think
    you remind them of someone else.
 Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people
    think you've got.
 Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
 Sex has no calories.
 Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned
    four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
 Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
 Sex is hereditary.  If your parents never had it,
    chances are you won't either.
 Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are
    going to get or how long it is going to last.
 Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation;
    the other eight are unimportant.
 Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most
    amount of trouble.
 Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday,
    pray for crop failure.
 The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely
    proportional to how much you love them.
 The best things in the world are free, and worth every
    penny of it.
 The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
 The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
 The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
    be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a
    fool of yourself in person.
 The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier
    it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
 The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
 The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually
    the same ones she can't stand years later.
 The younger the better.
 There is no difference between a wise man and a fool
    when they fall in love.
 There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
 There may be some things better than sex, and some things
    worse than sex.  But there is nothing exactly like it.
 Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
 Virginity can be cured.
 What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic
    in the stick.
 When a man's wife learns to understand him,
    she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa...
 When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
 You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating
    nine women.
 You will always fall in love and marry someone with
    the opposite body temperature.
 and Murphy's number one law on love and sex:
    Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!

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Subj:     20 Things I Learned From Video Games (S37)
          Originally By: Gwen Eckman
          Butchered By: Clay Halliwell
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #218 on 97-10-10

  1. There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence.

  2. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having
     enough quarters.

  3. If it moves, KILL IT!

  4. Operating any vehicle or weapon is simple and
     requires no training.

  5. "Bosses" always hire henchmen weaker than they are
     to do their dirty work.

  6. If you find food lying on the ground, eat it.

  7. You can smash things and get away with it.
  a. Smashing things doesn't hurt.
  b. Many nice things are hidden inside other things.

  8. When someone dies, they disappear.

  9. Money is frequently found lying on the streets.

 10. All shopkeepers carry high-tech weaponry.

 11. You never run out of bullets, only grenades.

 12. Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently.

 13. Whenever huge evil fat men are about to die, the
     begin flashing red or yellow.

 14. When you are born, you're invulnerable for a brief
     period of time.

 15. Although the enemy always has more aircraft than you,
     they fly in predictable patterns which makes it easier
     for you to shoot them all down.

 16. All women wear revealing clothing and have great bodies.

 17. The enemy always leaves weapons and ammo laying around
     for no other reason than so their bitter enemies can
     pick them up and defeat them with it.

 18. You sustain injury if you shoot innocents.

 19. Gang members frequently all look the same, and often
     have the same names.

 20. When driving, do not worry if your vehicle crashes and
     explodes. A new one will appear in its place.

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Subj:     Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't: (S236)
          From: cohen#il on 97-10-20
      and From: CHRISDADDYG on 8/6/2001

 10.I need to whip it out by 5.
  9.Mind if I use your laptop?
  8.Just stick it in my box.
  7.If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
  6.I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
  5.HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
  4.My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
  3.It's an entry-level position.
  2.When do you think you'll be getting off today?

 And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:

  1.It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!

Top
 Subj:     Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't: (S236)

 10.Nuts...my shaft is bent
  9.After 18 holes I can barely walk
  8.You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
  7.Look at the size of his putter
  6.Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
  5.Mind if I join your threesome?
  4.Stand with your back turned and drop it
  3.My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
  2.Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired

 And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:

  1.Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

Top
 Subj:     Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't: (S236)

 10.Have you looked through her briefs?
  9.He is one hard judge!
  8.Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
  7.Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
  6.Is it a penal offense?
  5.Better leave the handcuffs on.
  4.For $200 an hour, she better be good!
  3.Can you get him to drop his suit?
  2.The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

 And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:

  1.Think you can get me off?

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Subj:     Perplexing Questions

 Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of
    parachutes?
 Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is
    prohibited there?
 Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
 Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
 If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license
    to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
 Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
 Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
 How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work
    in the mornings?
 If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are
    there locks on the doors?
 If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
 If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON
    stick to the pan?
 If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped
    it from a height, what would happen?
 If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens
    when you turn on the headlights?
 You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the
    protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
 Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
 Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
 Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
 Why is it that when you transport something by car,
    it's called a shipment, but when you transport
    something by ship, it's called cargo?
 You know that little indestructible black box that
    is used on planes, why can't they make the whole
    plane out of the same substance?
 Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an
    address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
 If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror
    that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than
    they appear", how can that be possible?
 Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
 If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
 Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
 Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
 Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
 If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
 Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
 Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
 Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
 Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
 Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
 If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will
    something keep going wrong?
 Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
 How can someone "draw a blank"?
 Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
 Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
 Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
 What is another word for "thesaurus"?
 When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
 If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home,
    why not move 10 miles away?
 Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
 Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
 Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game',
    when we are already there?
 Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
 Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
 Does a fish get cramps after eating?
 Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
 Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called
    a "near miss"?  Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
 What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
 Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
 Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
 Why do light switches say on/off?  When it's on you can
    see it's on, when it's off you can't see to read.
 If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
 How do you know it's an ENDLESS LOOP?
 Why is FOOTball played by hand?

    Submitted by: Mark K. @ delcoelect.com

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Subj:     Laws To Remember (S41)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #236 on 97-10-30

    (The law of volunteering)
 1. If you dance with a grizzly bear, you'd better let him lead.

    (The first law of reality)
 2. There are days when no matter which way you spit, it's upwind.

    (The second law of reality.)
 3. When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

    (The third law of reality)
 4. Whatever it is that hits the fan, it will not be evenly
    distributed.

    (The fourth law of reality)
 5. Never get in a fight with an ugly person.
    They have nothing to lose.

    (The fifth law of realty.)
 6. Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

    (The law of goal-setting)
 7. Reality is a crutch for those who can't cope with fantasy (drugs)

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Subj:     World's Shortest Books (S156, S467b)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #237 on 97-10-31
      and From: RFSlick on 01/26/2000

 44. "FRENCH WAR HEROES" by: Jacques Chirac
 43. "How I Served My Country" by: Jane Fonda
 42. "My Little Book Of Persona; Hygiene" by: Osama Bin Laden
 41. Bridge Travel by: Ted Kennedy
 40. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
 39. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
 38. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
 37. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
 36. Human Rights Advances in China
 35. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
 34. Al Gore: The Wild Years
 33. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
 32. America's Most Popular Lawyers
 31. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
 30. Detroit - A Travel Guide
 29. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
 28. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
 27. Easy UNIX
 26. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
 25. Everything Men Know About Women
 24. Everything Women Know About Men
 23. French Hospitality
 22. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
 21. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
 20. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
 19. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
 18. Staple Your Way to Success
 17. The Amish Phone Directory
 16. Who's Who in Poland
 15. Italian War Heroes
 14. Jewish Business Ethics
 13. Negro Contributions to Civilization
 12. The Complete Book of Japanese Humor
 11. Blacks I Have Met While Yachting
 10. African-American Genealogy
  9. The Michelin Guide to Hasidic Hideaways
  8. The Gay Guide to Iran
  7. Afghan Vacation Spots
  6. The Delights of Canadian Cooking
  5. Bengali Etiquette
  4. Songs and Dances of the Amish
  3. Australian Archeology
  2. Doctors and Patients Who Like HMO's
 And the number one World's Shortest Book:
  1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

Second list
Top
Subj:     World's 20 Shortest Books (S279, S467b)
          From: mombear1 on 6/2/2002
      and From: LABLaughsAdult on 12/31/2005
 

 20. MY BEAUTY SECRETS.... by Janet Reno
 19. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE.... by John Denver
 18. MY SUPERBOWL HIGHLIGHTS.... by Dan Marino
 17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL.... by Hillary Clinton
 16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES.... by Ronald Reagan
 15. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD.... by Bill Gates
 14. THINGS I WOULDN'T DO FOR MONEY.... by Dennis Rodman
 13. THE WILD YEARS.... by Al Gore
 12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
 11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
 10. TRAVEL GUIDE FOR NEWARK
  9. A COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES.... by Dr. J.
     Kevorkian
  8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
  7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
  6. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE.... by Ellen DeGeneres
  5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
  4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES.... by PETA
  2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
  1. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS.... by O.J. Simpson

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