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Subj:      Manners and Advice
                  (Includes 66 jokes and articles, 15 1022,14,cif,wYT2d,5)
 
 
 

          Click "Here" for Manners-Supp


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Fireplace from
Pixelator Web Design
Includes the following:  B.C. Comic Strip (DU in Supp)
.........................Madea Gives Relationship Advice - Video (S890 in Supp)
.........................Flapjack Flap (S625c in Supp)
.........................Frank And Ernest Comic Strip (S619b in Supp)
.........................Fruitcake Lady III (S631 in Supp)
.........................Dear Missed Manners: (DU in Supp)
.........................B.C. Comic Strip II (DU in Supp)
.........................Early Table Manners (S82, DU in Supp)
.........................Dear Abby on Maturity - Newspaper Column (S1022 in Supp)
.........................
.........................Calvin As An Advice Columnist (S594b)
.........................Fruitcake Lady - Video (S505b)
.........................Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns (S608)
.........................B.C. Comic Strip (DU)
.........................Worried Man Writes For Advice (S410, S680)
.........................Fruitcake Lady II - Video (S518)
.........................Friendly Advice To Men (S351b)
.........................Garfield Comic Strip (DU)
.........................Horoscopes Worth Reading (S306b)
.........................Bass Fisherman Writes Dear Abby - Photo (S397b)
.........................Dear Abby - Unfaitful Husband (S223)
.........................Dear Abby - Unfaitful Husband II (S331)
.........................Some Cleaning Tips (S235)
.........................Some Cleaning Tips  II (S272d)
.........................Cleaning Tips III (S276b)
.........................Martha Vs The Rest Of Us (S231)
.........................B.C. Comic Strip II (DU)
.........................Dear Abby - On Mood Rings (S365, S566)
.........................Dear Abby - Tough Love - Photo (S349)
.........................Dear Abby - Wedding Preparations (S299)
.........................Actual "Dear Abby" Exerpts (S260, S605c)
.........................B.C. Comic Strip III (DU)
.........................Inner City Dear Abby (S208, S664b)
.........................If Dear Abby Was A Man (S198, DU)
.........................Short Manners Jokes
..............................Ask Amy Advice Column (S904 in Supp)
..............................
..............................Dear Abby On Cell Phones And Texting - Article (DU)
..............................Etiquette (S431b, S625)
..............................Dear Miriam - Article (S547)

Also see CLOTHING-SUPP- 'Advice from a Singer Sewing Machine Manual from 1949'
         DOCTORS3     - 'Dear Doctor...'
         GAYS file    - 'Gay Wedding Etiquette'
         SANTA file   - 'If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly...'
         REDNECK3 file- 'Redneck Etiquette'
         WOMEN2 file  - 'A Guide To Love For Today's Young Women'

============================================================Top
Subj:     Calvin As An Advice Columnist (S594b)
          Created by Bill Watterson on 8/17/2006
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes
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Top
Subj:     Fruitcake Lady (S505b,d)
          From: auntiegah on 9/25/2006
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/evocKJg03VE

 The video "Ask the Fruitcake Lady" was a segment from the
 Tonight Show with Jay Leno starting in 2003. The fruitcake
 lady was Marie Rudisill, Truman Capote's aunt. She was in
 her nineties when she appeared on the Tonight Show.  Click
 'HERE'. to see this very funny, tell-it-how-it-is lady.

Top
Subj:     Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns (S608)
          From: ginafm on 8/30/2008

 Dear Walter:

 I hope you can help me here.  The other day I set off for
 work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as
 usual.  I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when
 my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.  I
 walked back home to get my husband's help.  When I got home
 I couldn't believe my eyes.  He was in the bedroom with a
 neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.

 I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for
 twelve years.  When I confronted him, he tried to make out
 that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream,
 had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.  He'd
 carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and
 began CPR.  When she awoke she immediately began thanking
 him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free
 when I came back.  But when I asked him why neither of
 them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that
 he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

 I told him to stop or I would leave him.  He was let go
 from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling
 increasingly depressed and worthless.  I love him very much,
 but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become
 increasingly distant.  I don't feel I can get through to
 him anymore.

 Can you please help?

 Sincerely,

 Mrs.. Sheila Usk
 
 

 Dear Sheila:

 A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be
 caused by a variety of faults with the engine.  Start by
 checking that there is no debris in the fuel line, or it
 could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low
 delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

 I hope this helps.

 Walter

Top
Subj:     B.C. Comic Strip (DU)
          By Mastroianni and Hart on 8/6/2015
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/bc/2015/08/06
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Top
Subj:     Worried Man Writes For Advice (S410, S680)
          From: jbcary1 on 11/27/2004
      and From: sam.hutkins on 1/26/2010

 Dear Abby,

 I've never written to you before, but I really need your
 advice on what could be a crucial decision.  I've suspected
 for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

 The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller
 hangs up.  My wife has been going out with the girls a lot
 recently although when I ask their names she always says,
 "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

 I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home,
 but she always walks down the drive.  Although I can hear
 a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car
 round the corner.  Why?  Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

 I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it
 was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never
 touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

 Anyway, I have never approached  the subject with my wife.
 I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth,
 but last night she went out again and I decided to really
 check on her.

 I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle
 next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get
 a good view of the whole street when she came home.

 It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I
 noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be
 leaking a little oil.

 Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it
 back to the dealer?

Top
Subj:     Fruitcake Lady II (S518d)
          From: edapsmas on 12/13/2006
..........At: http://www.youtube.com/embed/vch8l_JmIfU

 The video "Ask the Fruitcake Lady II" was replayed on
 the Tonight Show after she died in 2006.  You can see
 this cute video by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Friendly Advice To Men (S351b)
          From: jokes on 10/16/2003

 (See 'Married To A Male Chauvinist' in MARRIAGE3)

 It is important for men to remember that as women grow older
 it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of
 housekeeping as they did when they were younger.  When men
 notice this, they should try not to yell.  Let me relate how
 one man handled the situation.

 "When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago,
 it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both
 for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we
 need.  She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some
 years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local
 medical center as a phlebotomist.

 It was shortly after she started working at this job that I
 noticed that she was beginning to show her age.  I usually
 get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she
 gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am,
 she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour
 or so before she starts supper.  I try not to yell at her
 when this happens.  Instead, I tell her to take her time.
 I understand that she is not as young as she used to be.  I
 just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper
 on the table.

 She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished
 eating.  It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table
 for several hours after supper.  I do what I can by reminding
 her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning
 themselves.  I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to
 help her get them done before she goes to bed.

 Our washer and dryer are in the basement.  When she was
 younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs
 all day and not get tired.  Now that she is older she seems
 to get tired so much more quickly.

 Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down
 those steps.  I don't make a big issue of this.  As long as
 she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing
 to overlook it.  Not only that, but unless I need something
 ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednes-
 day's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's
 bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until
 the next evening to do the ironing.  This gives her a little
 more time to do some of those odds and ends things like
 shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.

 Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows
 her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.
 Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally.  Not
 often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice.

 For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to
 find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.
 In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer
 encouragement.  I tell her to stretch it out over two or
 even three days.  That way she won't have to rush so much.
 I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and
 then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

 When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more
 rest periods than she used to have to take.  A couple of
 weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was
 only half finished mowing the yard.  I overlook comments
 like these because I realize it's just age talking.  In
 fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these
 little extra rest breaks.  I tell her to fix herself a
 nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and
 just sit for a while.  I tell her that as long as she
 is making one for herself, she may as well make one for
 me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk
 with me until I fall asleep.

 I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm
 coming from.  I know that I probably look like a saint
 in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis.  I'm not
 saying that the ability to show this much consideration
 is easy.  Many men will find it difficult.  Some will
 find it impossible.  No one knows better than I do how
 frustrating women can become as they get older.  My
 purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you
 make the effort.  I realize that achieving the exemplary
 level of showing consideration I have attained is out of
 reach for the average man."
 

 The author was found floating in a nearby river recently.

 [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

 All jokes are archived at the Yahoo Group
 http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Anns-Humor/

 If you received this mail from a friend and wish to
 subscribe, send an email to:
 Anns-Humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Top
Subj:     Garfield Comic Strip (DU)
          By Jim Davis on 8/27/2015
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/garfield/2015/08/27
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Top
Subj:     Horoscopes Worth Reading (S306b)
          From: pns on 12/12/2002

 Aries (March 21 - April 19)
 You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between
 rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the side-
 walk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat.
 Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling
 potstickers at people you've never met.

 Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
 Excellent day to sneak.

 Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
 Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery.  Try to be
 back in time for dinner, though.

 Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
 You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a
 significant amount of courage today.  And for heaven's
 sake, don't forget the twine.

 Leo (July 23 - August 22)
 Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel.

 Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
 Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment
 "I've never cared for those hairless cats".  That might
 not be a good thing to say.  Newborns can be a bit blotchy,
 and new parents can be a bit touchy...

 Libra (September 22 - October 22)
 Good day to mumble.

 Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
 Good time to be happy-go-lucky!  You'll find that works
 out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've
 been trying.

 Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
 You will be afire with enthusiasm today!  Unfortunately,
 someone will put you out.

 Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
 Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art.
 Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out
 something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes.

 Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
 Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and
 you will find sunlight hurts your eyes.  Probably just
 a cold, and nothing to worry about.

 Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
 You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges
 under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin.  When
 you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about
 it. That's just the way these things work.

Top
Subj:     Bass Fisherman Writes Dear Abby (S397b)
          From: DoctorDebt on 9/3/2004

 Dear Abby,

 I have been so blessed in my life. Great parents, great
 wife and kids, great job, and great education.

 When I finally retired, I could hardly wait to spend time
 enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing.  I got my
 own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join
 me, but she just never liked fishing.  Finally, one day
 at the Bait ? Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the
 shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much
 as I do.  We quickly became fishing buddies.  As I said
 the wife doesn't care about fishing; she not only refuses
 to join us she always complains that I spend too much time
 fishing.

 A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever.
 Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever
 seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his
 twin brother!  So I took a picture of Sam holding up the
 two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the
 wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.  Instead she
 says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore!
 And she wants me to sell the boat!  I think she just does
 not like to see me enjoying myself.

 What would you do?  Tell the wife to forget it and continue
 my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
 

 Thanks, A fisherman

 PS I have enclosed the picture of Sam showing off the bass
 we caught.
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Top
Subj:     Dear Abby - Unfaitful Husband (S223)
          From: pns on 5/7/2001

 Dear Abby:
 My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but
 he as cheated our entire marriage.  He is a good provider
 and has many friends and supporters.  They know he is a
 lying cheat, but they just avoid the issues.

 He is a hard worker but many of his co-workers are leery
 of him.  Every time he gets caught he first denies it all,
 then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive
 him.  This has been going on for so long, everyone in
 town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do.

 Signed:
 Frustrated

 Dear Frustrated:
 You should dump him.  Now that you are a New York senator,
 you don't need him anymore."

Top
Subj:     Dear Abby - Unfaitful Husband II (S331)
          From: DoctorDebt on 6/4/2003

 Dear Abby;

 My husband is a liar and a cheat. He cheated on me from the
 beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything.
 What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me.  It is so
 humiliating.

 Also, since he lost his job four years ago he hasn't even
 looked for a new one.  All he does is buy cigars, play golf,
 cruise around, and shoot the breeze with his pals, while I
 have to work to pay the bills.

 Since our daughter graduated from college he doesn't even
 pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.  What
 should I do?

 Signed,
 Clueless

 ------------------------

 Dear Clueless:

 Grow up and dump him.  For Pete's sake, you don't need him
 anymore.  You're a United States Senator from New York, act
 like it.

Top
Subj:     Some Cleaning Tips (S235)
          From: h2oman19 on 7/30/2001
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 To view "Some Cleaning Tips", click 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Some Cleaning Tips  II (S272d)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/17/2002
Drawing from Accent on Animation

 To view "Some Cleaning Tips II", click 'HERE'.

TopTop
Subj:     Some Cleaning Tips III (S276b)
          From: janeenmarie on 9/26/2003
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 To view "Some Cleaning Tips III", click 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Martha Vs The Rest Of Us (S231)
          From: flovilla on 7/1/2001

 Martha's way #1:  Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the
 bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

 My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the
 cone, for Pete's sake; you are probably lying on the couch
 with your feet up eating it anyway.
 ***********************************************
 Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake
 batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped
 pancakes every time.

 My way:  Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave
 for 30 seconds.  The hard part is getting them out of the
 plastic bag.

 ***********************************************
 Martha's way #3:   To keep potatoes from budding, place an
 apple in the bag with the potatoes.

 My way:  Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in
 the pantry for up to a year.
 ***********************************************
 Martha's way #4: To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a
 pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.

 My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take
 the shells off anyway?
 ***********************************************
 Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons,
 bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm
 against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

 My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and
 box springs.
 ***********************************************
 Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your
 skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough
 water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on
 stovetop.

 My way:  Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.
 ***********************************************
 Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking
 spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't
 be any stains.

 My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any
 leftovers.
 ***********************************************
 Martha's way #8:  When a cake recipe calls for flouring the
 baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there
 won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

 My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
 ***********************************************
 Martha's way #9:  If you accidentally over salt a dish while
 it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will
 absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"

 My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking,
 that's too damn bad.  My motto: I made it and you will eat
 it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
 ***********************************************
 Martha's way #10:  Wrap celery in aluminum foil when
 putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

 My way:  Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
 ***********************************************
 Martha's way #11:  Brush some beaten egg white over pie
 crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

 My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not
 include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I
 don't do it.
 ***********************************************
 Martha's way #12:  Place a slice of apple in hardened
 brown sugar to soften it.

 My way:  Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
 ***********************************************
 Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a
 pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural
 sweetness.

 My way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
 ***********************************************
 Martha's way #14:  To determine whether an egg is fresh,
 immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water.  If it sinks,
 it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

 My way:  Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad
 later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
 ***********************************************
 Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it
 in half and rub it on your forehead.  The throbbing will
 go away.

 My way:  Martha, dear, the only reason this works is
 because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without
 getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't
 the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.
 ***********************************************
 Martha's way #16:  Don't throw out all that leftover wine.
 Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

 My way:  Leftover wine?
 ***********************************************
 Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try
 using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip
 that makes opening jars easy.

 My way:  Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
 ***********************************************
 Martha's way #18:  Potatoes will take food stains off your
 fingers.  Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and
 rinse with water.

 My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-
 bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
 ***********************************************
 Martha's way #19:  Now look what you can do with Alka
 Seltzer.

Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait
 twenty minutes, brush and flush.  The citric acid and
 effervescent action clean vitreous china.

Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a
 glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two
 Alka-Seltzer tablets.

Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a
 glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water,
 drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an
 hour (or longer, if necessary).

 My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet.
 Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of
 problems at once.

Top
Subj:     B.C. Comic Strip II (DU)
          By Mastroianni and Hart on 8/22/2015
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/bc/2015/08/22
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Top
Subj:     Dear Abby - On Mood Rings (S365, S566b)
          From: DoctorDebt on 1/25/2004

 My husband is not happy with my mood swings.  The other day,
 he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my
 moods.  When I'm in a good mood it turns green.  When I'm in
 a bad mood it leaves a big fuc*ing red mark on his forehead.
 Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

 Sincerely,
 Bitchy in Buffalo

Top
Subj:     Dear Abby - Tough Love (S349)
          From: DoctorDebt on 10/8/2003

 Dear Abby,

 I recently read your column advising grandparents on "tough
 love" for grandparents to give misbehaving grandchildren
 whose own parents let them run wild.  I have followed your
 advice, and enclose a picture demonstrating my technique
 when my grandson just won't behave while I'm baby-sitting
 for his parents. They've told me not to spank him, so I just
 take him for a ride, and he usually calms down afterward.

 Sign me,
 

 Tough Love Grandma
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 scroll down
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Top
Subj:     Dear Abby - Wedding Preparations (S299)
          From: pns on 10/25/2002

 Dear Abby:
 I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married
 next month.  My fianc?e's mother is not only very attractive
 but really great and understanding.  She is putting the
 entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go
 over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond
 what we had expected it to be.

 When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it
 down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me.

 She said that in a month I would be a married man and that
 before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.  Then
 she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way
 said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

 I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that
 I knew exactly how to deal with this situation.  I headed
 straight out the front door...

 There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-
 law to be.  He was smiling.  He explained that they just
 wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their
 little girl.  I shook his hand and he congratulated me on
 passing their little test.

 Abby, should I tell my fianc?e what her parents did, and
 that thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting
 to my character?  Or should I keep the whole thing to myself
 including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my
 car was to get a condom?

Top
Subj:    Actual "Dear Abby" Exerpts (S260, S605c)
         From: humorlist-digest V1 #282 on 97-12-30
     and From: darrell94590 on 5/21/2005 and 8/11/2008

 DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust.  Why, he cheats
            so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying
            is his.

 DEAR ABBY: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who
            has been on the pill for two years.  It's getting
            expensive and I think my boyfriend should share
            half the cost, but I don't know him well enough
            to discuss money with him.

 DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling
            around, and when I confronted him with the
            evidence he denied everything and said it would
            never happen again.

 DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of a reliable
            illegitimate doctor?

 DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo.  Why
            would a boy who was raised in a good Christian
            home turn against his own?

 DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it.
            Now how do I get out?

 DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychia-
            trist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half
            years. He must be crazy.

 DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three months and I
            didn't know he drank until one night he came
            home sober.

 DEAR ABBY: Do you think it would be all right if I gave my
            doctor a little gift?  I tried for years to get
            pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.

 DEAR ABBY: My mother is mean and short-tempered.  I think
            she is going through her mental pause.

 DEAR ABBY: I met this nice guy who was in the service.  He
            is the chief petting officer.

 DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with this man for six
            years.  We see each other every night.  He says
            he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never
            mentions marriage.  Do you think he's going out
            with me just for what he can get?  GERTIE
 DEAR GERTIE: I don't know. What's he getting?

 DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to spend money!  I cut my own
            hair and make my own clothes, and I have to
            account for every nickel spend.  Meanwhile he
            has a stock of savings bonds put away that
            would choke a cow.  How do I get some money out
            of him before we are both called to our final
            judgment?  He says he's saving for a rainy day.
            FORTY YEARS HITCHED
 DEAR HITCHED: Tell him it's raining!

 DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old
            next month.  I'd like to give him something nice
            for his birthday.  What do you think he'd like?
            CAROL
 DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

 DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible?  KAY
 DEAR KAY:  Only if they don't work.

 DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January.  Five months
            later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl.  They
            said the baby was premature.  Tell me, can a
            baby this big be that early?  WONDERING
 DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late.
            Forget it.

 DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much?   CURIOUS
 DEAR CURIOUS: No, it's the last thing I want to do.

 DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two
            women at the same time?  JAKE
 DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.

 DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-
            three and he's still chasing women.  Any
            suggestions?   ANNIE
 DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for
            years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't
            know what to do with it.

 DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history
            traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of
            money to do  it.  Any suggestions?   SAM IN CAL.
 DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office.

 DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write? TED
 DEAR TED:  The Internal Revenue Service.

 DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right
            to say, "I've heard a lot about you"?  RITA
 DEAR RITA: It depends on what you've heard.

 DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to
            meet a man my age with no bad habits.  ROSE
 DEAR ROSE: So would I.

 DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a
            mistress? BESS
 DEAR BESS: Night and Day.

 DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from
            me.  One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the
            other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.
            These two women go everywhere together and I've
            never seen a man go into their apartment or come
            out.  Do you think they could be Lebanese?

 From: Ossama's Laugh on 12/31/97
 DEAR ABBY: I've been married for six years and have five
            kids. No twins.  My husband still wants to have
            sex every night and sometimes in the morning too.
            I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he
            says that is his hobby.

 From: cohen#il on 98-01-20
 Dear Abby: You told some woman whose husband had lost all
            interest in sex to send him to a doctor.  Well,
            my husband lost all interest in sex years ago
            and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

 From: darrell94590 on 5/21/2005
 Dear Abby:  What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl
            Language and Violence On My VCR?

Top
Subj:     B.C. Comic Strip III (DU)
          By Mastroianni and Hart on 8/29/2015
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/bc/2015/08/29
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Top
Subj:     Inner City Dear Abby (S208, S664b)
          From: CHRISDADDYG on 1/23/2001

 Dear Abby,

 I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been
 diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus.  My parents live
 in the suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who
 lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.

 My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing
 and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my
 other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City.

 I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-
 parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy
 in 1994.  The other brother is currently being held in the
 Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his three
 children.

 I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai
 prostitute who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a
 part-time "working girl" in a brothel.

 However her time there is limited, as we hope to open our
 own brothel with her as the working manager.  I am hoping
 my two sisters would be interested in joining our team.
 Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves,
 at least it would get them off the street, and hopefully
 the heroin.

 My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to
 bringing her into the family and of course I want to be
 totally honest with her.   Should I tell her about my
 cousin who voted for Bush????

 Signed,
 Worried About My Reputation

Top
Subj:     If Dear Abby Was A Man (S198, DU)
          From: ICohen on 11/16/2000

 Dear Mr. Abby:
 Q: My husband wants to experience a  threesome with my sister
    and me.
 A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you.  He cannot get
    enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing-your
    sister.  Far from being an issue, this can bring all of
    the family together. Why not get some cousins involved?
    If you are still apprehensive, then let him be with your
    relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him
    a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

 Dear Mr. Abby:
 Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
 A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10
    calories per spoonful.  It is nutritious, helps you to
    keep your figure, and gives a great glow to your skin.
    Interestingly, men know this. His offer to you to perform
    oral sex with him is totally selfless.  Oral sex is
    extremely painful for a man.  This shows he loves you. The
    best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive
    present, and cook him a nice meal.

 Dear Mr. Abby:
 Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
 A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be
    encouraged.  The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his
    prowess with other men.  Far from being pleasurable, a
    night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get
    back to you is a relief for him.  Just look at how emotional
    and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home.
    The best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive
    present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this
    aspect of his behavior.
 

 Dear Mr. Abby:
 Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
 A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband.  If you
    must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with
    the family budget you may wish to videotape yourself
    while doing this, and sell it.  To ease your selfish
    guilt, buy your man a nice, expensive present, and cook
    him a delicious meal.

 Dear Mr. Abby:
 Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
 A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful.  What it means is that
    you do not love your man as much as you should; he has to
    work a lot to get you in the mood.  Abandon all wishes in
    this area, and make it up to him by buying him a nice,
    expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

 Dear Mr. Abby:
 Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
 A: The female orgasm is a myth.  It is fostered by militant,
    man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit.
    Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him
    by buying a nice, expensive present, and don't forget to
    cook him a delicious meal!


Subj:     Short Manners Jokes

Top
Subj:     Dear Abby On Cell Phones And Texting (DU)
          From: Melissa Weers on Facebook on 9/15/2015
 Source: https://www.facebook.com/photos

Click 'HERE' to read this newspaper article

Top
Subj:     Etiquette (S431b, S625)
          From: Dickschu on 4/29/2005
Little Johnny
from Yahoo! Images
 During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says
 to her students: "If you were courting a well educated young
 girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you
 needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

 Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a pee"

 The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on
 your part."

 Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll
 be back in a minute."

 The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word
 ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant"

 And Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment.  I
 have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope,
 to be able to introduce to you after dinner."  The teacher
 passed out.
 

Top
Subj:     Dear Miriam (S547)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 7/9/2007
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)

 This advice column is too funny to miss.  You can read it
 by clicking 'HERE'.
 
 

Facts about Americans. Did you know that...
53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/17/2002 (S272c)
 "People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told
  that sorrow knows how to swim."  -- Ann Landers

From: JBCARY1 on 6/27/2003 (S335b)
 "Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work,
 so most people don't recognize them."  -- Ann Landers

From: igiggle on 1/8/2005 (S415b)
 What the vast majority of American children need is to stop
 being pampered, stop being indulged, stop being chauffered,
 stop being catered to. In the final analysis it is not what
 you do for your children but what you have taught them to do
 for themselves that will make them successful human beings.
   -- Ann Landers

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............................From Smiley_Central
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