Includes 25 signs

Title from The Fifties Web

 
 

. .             Nixon drawing from Pritchett Cartoons
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The Richard Nixon Memorial Burma Shave Showdown
From: jperry@oahu.cs.ucla.edu (John Perry)
Source: http://www.perry.com/bizarre/nixon.html

Let's face it, haikus are getting a bit blase.  For this reason John Perry decided Nixon deserves something more, something deeper.  He announced the start of the fabulous Dick Nixon Memorial Burma Shave Showdown.
People showed their appreciation for our ex-pres with a Burma Shave poem.  They send them to John, who finally announce the winners.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the form, Burma Shave was a shaving cream company in the U.S. that advertised from the `20s to the `60s by placing a series of signs alongside the road that composed  a short (4-line) poem.  Some were about shaving, some about how your date would like you better if you used Burma Shave, some about driving, etc.  An example of a set of five Nixon Burma-Shave signs follows:
 
 NIXON GOT US
 IN WITH CHINA
 NOW HE'S GONE TO
 SOMETHING FINA
 BURMA SHAVE

The winners of the Dick Nixon Memorial Burma Shave Showdown are listed below.  There were lots of good
entries, and I'm sure tricky Dick would have been proud to have had most of them inscribed on his headstone. 
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First prize goes to Scott Dorsey, for
 
 DICKIE SLEPT
 THROUGH MARTIN'S DREAM
 AT LEAST HE KEPT
 HIS TAPE HEADS CLEAN
 with BURMA SHAVE

First prize consists of Star Trek: The Screen Saver, issue #2 of Lunatic Binge, a Where's Dan Quayle book (kinda like Where's Waldo), and a Bush-Quayle 92 Bumper Sticker.

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Second prize goes to Ilana, for 
 
 NOW HE'S SIX FEET
 UNDERGROUND
WON'T HAVE DICK TO
 KICK AROUND
 BURMA SHAVE

The lucky second prize winner takes home a prize package of 3 mutant militant critter comics (Mildly-Microwaved Pre-Pubescent Kung-Fu Gophers, Naive Inter-Dimensional Commando Koalas, and Pre-Teen Dirty-Gene Kung-Fu Kangaroos), a Symantec solar powered disk-calculator, and a Donald Duck Pez dispenser.

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Finally, third prize goes to Sean Ryan for this campaign-slogan/memorial-Burma-Shave:
 
 Vote for Nixon
 In '72
Why change dicks
 In the middle of a screw
 Burma Shave

Consistent with the theme of his poem, Sean will receive an IN-N-OUT BURGER bumper sticker and a "Ross Perot for President '92" button [Ross came in third too].

All three lucky winners will also receive a tape of studio mixes of selections from the Liberal Materialists forthcoming release Brain Food Cookies (shameless plug for my band).

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Below is the complete list of entrants:

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 YOU CAN CROSS THE
 MASON-DIXON
 BUT YOU
 CAN'T CROSS
 RICHARD NIXON
 BURMA SHAVE
 HERE'S TO DICK FROM
 YORBA LINDA --
 THE INFERNO'S
 LATEST CINDA
 BURMA SHAVE
 Out of 'Nam with out a snag
 But now he is the one
 In the body bag
 How does he do it
 Burma Shave
. .
 DICKIE SLEPT
 THROUGH MARTIN'S DREAM.
 AT LEAST HE KEPT
 HIS TAPE HEADS CLEAN
 with BURMA SHAVE
 FAREWELL DICK
 WITH 3 O'CLOCK SHADE
 ONE LAST TRICK
 ON US HE PLAYED
 eat BURMA SHAVE
 NOW HE'S SIX FEET
 UNDERGROUND
 WON'T HAVE DICK TO
 KICK AROUND
 BURMA SHAVE
. .
 ON DROOPY JOWLS,
 'NEATH SKI SLOPE NOSE,
 TRICKY DICK'S FIVE O'CLOCK
 SHADOW GROWS.
 BURMA SHAVE.
 DID HE DIE
 AND GO TO HECK OR
 IS HE UP THERE
 WITH PAT AND CHECKERS?
 BURMA SHAVE
 IF RIGHT OR WRONG
 WHEN NIXON SAID
 I'M NOT A CROOK
 HE'S JUST AS DEAD.
 BURMA SHAVE
. .
 THOUGH NIXON'S PLAYED
 HIS FINAL GAME
 BART SIMPSON'S FRIEND
 RETAINS HIS NAME
 BURMA SHAVE
 NIXON HAD AN
 ANEURISM
 NOW HE'S GONE AND
 WE'LL SURE MISS 'IM
 BURMA SHAVE
 IF HE'D LIVED
 HE'D SHOW HIS CHARM
 BY FLASHING "PEACE"
 WITH JUST ONE ARM
 BURMA SHAVE
. .
 Richard Nixon
 Rest in peace
 Now he's got no
 One to fleece
 Richard Nixon
 What a guy
 Glad he's sleeping
 In the sky
 Richard Nixon
 Blamed the press
 For his raging
 Stubbornness
. .
 Watergate zapped
 Tricky Dick
 'Cause ol' Liddy
 Wasn't slick
 I AM NOT
 A CROOK, SAID HE
 FOLLOWING WITH
 PARDON ME
 BURMA SHAVE
 TRICKY
 DICKY
 DICKERED
 WITH COX
 BERMMA SHAVE
. .
 Vote for Nixon
 In '72
 Why change dicks
 In the middle of a screw
 Burma Shave
 NIXON SAID HE'S
 NOT A CROOK
 AND ALL WE GOT WAS
 GEORGE BUSH
 BURMA SHAVE
 NO LONGER HERE
 TO EXCITE US
 LIKE THE TIME HE
 HAD BURSITIS
 BURMA SHAVE
. .
 STRAIGHT TO HELL
 JUST LIKE A BOMB
 NIXON DROPPED
 ON VIETNAM
 BURMA SHAVE
 CAN WE GUESS
 HOW NIXON FEELS
 WITH SATAN NIPPING
 AT HIS HEELS
 BURMA SHAVE
 EVIL COWARD
 GONE TO HELL
 SURE DID HATE HIM
 KNOW DARN WELL
 BURMA SHAVE
. .
 NIXON, HOOVER,
 MCCARTHY, COHN
 SPIKED THEIR BALLS
 IN THE END ZONE
 BURMA SHAVE
 Nixon drawing
        from
Thomas' Web Page
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