Subj:..Rodney Dangerfield's Best One-Liners:        From: humorlist-digest V2 #127 on 98-05-22    and From: ICohen on 8/1/2006 (S69, S497c) Drawing from MorningCoffee.WordPress.com...

 A girl phone me the other day and said.....Come on over, 
 there's nobody home.  I went over.  Nobody was home. 

 If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all. 

 During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. 
 Just the other night she called me from a hotel 

 One day as I came home early from work.....I saw a guy joggin 
 naked.  I said to the guy....Hey buddy.....why are you doing 
 that?  He said.....Because you came home early. 

 Its been a rough day.  I got up this morning....put on a 
 shirt and a button fell off.  I picked up my briefcase and 
 the handle came off.  I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. 

 I was  such an  ugly kid........When  I played in the sandbox 
 the cat kept trying to cover me up. 

 I could tell that my parents hated me. 
 My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. 

 My mother never breast fed me.  She told me 
 that she only like me as a friend. 

 I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the 
 kid who came with his wallet. 

 When I was born.....the doctor came out to the waiting room 
 and said to my father....I'm very sorry. 
 We did everything we could..... But he pulled through. 

 I'm so ugly...my mother had morning sickness....after I was born. 

 I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece 
 of my finger to my father.  He said he wanted more proof. 

 Once when I was lost...I saw a policeman and asked him to
 help me find my parents. 
 I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them? 
 He said...I don't know kid......there are so many places
 they can hide. 

 My wife made me join a bridge club.  I jump off next Tuesday. 

 I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. 

 I went to see my doctor.  Doctor, every morning when I get up 
 and look in the mirror...  I feel like throwing up;  What's 
 wrong with me?  He said...I don't know but your eyesight is perfect. 

 I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
 pills.  My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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Other Rodney Dangerfield
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From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97  (S23)

 On Halloween, the parents send their kids out looking like me. 
 Last year, one kid tried to rip my face off! 
 Now its different, when I answer the door the kids hand me candy. 

 My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. 
 I told him, "If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion." 
 He said, "Alright, you're ugly too!" 

 When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, 
 turned me over and said, "Look ... twins!" 

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #256 on 98-06-26 

 "Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I
 said to her, "What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?"

From: humorlist-digest V2 #183 on 98-07-22

 My wife and I were happy for twenty years.  Then we met. 
    -- Rodney  Dangerfield 

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/12/2001 (S254)

 "I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I 
 was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." 
   -- Rodney Dangerfield. 

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/2/2002 (S270c)

 "What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I 
  found out Alpo was dog food." -- Rodney Dangerfield 

From: JokesUncut on 2/6/2003 (S315b)

 "I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you 
 rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good 
 at fractions.'"  -- Rodney Dangerfield 

From: igiggle on 6/5/2004 (S384b)

 The teacher told my kid, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." 
 He said, "What do you got for cops?"  -- Rodney Dangerfield 

From: igiggle on 1/13/2006 (S469b)

 What a childhood I had.  My parents sent me to a child 
 psychiatrist.  That kid didn't help me at all.  -- Rodney Dangerfield 

From: tadams96 on 10/13/2004 (S403b)

 With my old man I got no respect.  I asked him, "How can 
 I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. 

 Some dog I got.  We call him Egypt because in every room he 
 leaves a pyramid.  His favorite bone is in my arm.  Last 
 night he went on the paper four times - three of those times 
 I was reading it. 

 One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control. 

 My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; 
 he was in the electric chair. 

 I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother. 

From: igiggle on 12/19/2005 (S465b)

 For Christmas I gave my kid a BB gun.  He gave me a sweater 
 with a bullseye on the back.  -- Rodney Dangerfield 

From: igiggle on 12/20/2005 (S465b)

 Last Christmas, I got no respect.  In my stocking I got 
 an Odor Eater.  -- Rodney Dangerfield 

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 2/14/2001 (S274b)

 "Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire." 
    -- Rodney Dangerfield 

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 2/20/2006 (S475b)

 "My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. 
  She said, "All kids smell that way."  -- Rodney Dangerfield 

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 6/19/2006 (S491b)

 "Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a 
  zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'"  -- Rodney Dangerfield 

From: edapsmas on 6/20/2006 (S491b)

 "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on 
  Saturday night."  -- Rodney Dangerfield 

From: tom on 3/10/2009 (S636c)

 My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she 
 used me to  time an egg. 
 
 It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, 
 yet she won't drink from my glass! 
 
 Last night my wife met me at the front door.  She was wearing 
 a sexy negligee.  The only trouble was, she was coming home. 
 
 A hooker once told me she had a headache. 

 I went to a massage parlor. It was self service. 
 
 I was making love to this girl and she started crying. 
 I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' 
 She said, 'No, I hate myself right now.' 
 
 I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. 
 That's when you put a bag over your head in case the 
 bag over her head comes off. 
 
 I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. 
 
 My wife is such a bad cook; if we leave dental floss in the kitchen 
 the roaches hang themselves. 
 
 I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and
 got arrested for mooning. 

 My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka Seltzer. 
 
 I know I'm not sexy.  When I put my underwear on I can hear the 
 Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling. 
 
 My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. 
 
 My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex;
 she called me from Chicago last night.