.
.
>>>
Subj: Quotations By Comedians-Supp
          (Includes 57 jokes and articles, 09 1013,30,cf,vYT3,18)
 
 

      Click "Here" for Quotes-Commed-Supp2


Talking Man
from
ARG! Cartoon Aimation Studio
Includes the following:  You Bet Your Life w/Groucho Marx - 2 Videos (S870 in Supp2)
.........................Rodney Dangerfield On The Johnny Carson Show (S1013 - Sup2)
.........................George Carlin's "Stuff" Routine (S1008 in Supp2)
.........................Brainstorm With Arnold Schwarzenegger - Video (S962 - Sup2)
.........................Jack Benny and Mel Blanc - Video (S953 in Supp2)
.........................Kyle Kinane's Stand-Up - Video (S945 in Supp2
.........................Jim Gaffigan's Standup Routine (S938 in Supp2)
.........................Amy G Plays The Kazoo - Video (S893 in Supp2)
.........................Jim Carrey - Lincoln Ads On SNL (S928 in Supp2)
.........................Huffington Post's Memoriam To Robin Williams (S917 - Supp2)
.........................Hari Kondabolu On Conan On 6/16/14 - Video (S912 in Supp2)
.........................Jonathan Winters "The Stick" - Video (S886 in Supp2)
.........................Late Night Joke Archive (S283 in Supp2)
.........................Smothers Brothers - 'I'm a Pilot' - Video (S885 in Supp2)
.........................Jonathan Winters,Robin Williams On Johnny Carson (S885-Sup2)
.........................Foster Brooks Tells A Funny Joke - Video (S877 in Supp2)
.........................Jerry Seinfeld Performs Stand-Up - Video (S858 in Supp2)
.........................Brad Zimmerman - My Son The Waiter - Video (S865 in Supp2)
.........................The Jovers - Video (S825d in Supp2)
.........................Bill Cosby Discusses Drugs - Video (S841 in Supp2)
.........................Mary Maxwell Gives A Funny Invocation Prayer - Vid(S820-Sp2)
.........................Jeff Dunham and Walter At Spark Of Insanity - Vid (S820-Sp2)
.........................Father Guido Sarducci's Life Is A Job - Video (S814 in Sup2)
.........................'Joking Bad' With Jimmy Fallon - Video (S871 in Supp2)
.........................Abbott Teaches Costello On Computers (S63, S747 in Supp2)
.........................
.........................Bill Maher - Political Correctness - HBO (S961)
.........................George Carlin - Seven Dirty Words (S801)
.........................Mark Lowry Comedy Video!! (S811)
.........................Comedian Dan Nainan - Video (S764)
.........................Jerry Seinfeld On Men And Women - Video (S761)
.........................John Pinette's "Goes Camping" Stand-Up Routine - Video(S757)
.........................Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry Comedy Sketch - Video (S742)
.........................Rick Gutierrez: Prostate Exam - Video/Comedy Routine  (S738)
.........................Tim Hawkins: Old Rock Star Songs - Video (S736)
.........................Maz Jobrani, Iranian-American Comedian On TED - Video (S711)
.........................Carol Burnett Show - Wrong Number - Video (S710)
.........................Harpo/Chico Comic Piano Duet - Video (S700b)
.........................Hippieman On The Craig Ferguson Show - Video (S703)
.........................Jerry Seinfeld - Stand Up Routine - Video (S694, S825)
.........................Robin Williams On Obama's Election - Video (S662)
.........................The Copper Clapper Caper - Video (S485, S743)
.........................George Carlin's New Rules For 2008 (S580b)
.........................Jeff Dunham And Walter - Video (S535, S801)
.........................Red Skelton's Tip For A Happy Marriage!!! (S419)
.........................Party In The Stomach - Video (S575)
.........................Remembering Bob Hope (S371)
.........................Mrs. Hughes' Comedy - Video (S570
.........................Andy Rooney Interview On 60 Minutes (S330)
.........................More Andy Rooney (S317b)
.........................Johnny Carson and Dom deLuise - Video (S627, S801)
.........................George Gobel On The Johnny Carson Show - Video (S629, S801)
.........................Other Comedian Quotations
..............................Osama Bin Laden Song Performed By Frank Skinner (S712)
..............................Jack Benny: Your Money Or Your Life - Audio (S704)
..............................Seinfeld: How To Respond To A Telemarketer - Vid(S680)
..............................Patsy Cline Song/Comedy Video - Video (S631b)
..............................Bill Maher's New Rules (S551)
..............................More George Carlin #2 (S512c)
..............................Crazy World by Chris Rock
..............................10 Funny Movie Quotes - Video (S709)
..............................TEDx - John Cassidy's Talk On Kindness - Video (S721)

===========================================================Top
Subj:     Bill Maher - Political Correctness (S961d)
          From: Real Time with Bill Maher
 Source1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNJyDyCocGQ
 Source2: https://www.facebook.com/Maher/videos/vb.62
..........507427296/10153018339452297/?type=2&theater
.
.......
.
.......Click 'HERE' to hear Bill Maher express concern
.......about a new brand of politically correct censor-
.......ship that is threatening to silence comedy.
.
.
Top
Subj:     George Carlin - Seven Dirty Words (S801d)
          From: YouTube.com on 5/20/2012
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/vbZhpf3sQxQ

 This video is the best parts of George Carlin's twenty
 minute routine titled "Seven Words You Can Never Say
 on Television".  Click 'HERE' to see and listen to the
 most famous stand-up comedy routine in history.

Top
Subj:     Mark Lowry Comedy Video!! (S811d)
          From: darrelldre on 7/27/2012
Photo from YouTube.com
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/46fk02enulQ
 Source2: http://www.coolestone.com/media/
..........4288/They-Cut-My-Britches-Off/

 Comedian Mark Lowery tells about having a motorcycle wreck
 (while not wearing a helmet) and what happened to him
 afterwards.  Click 'HERE' to listen to this very funny
 comedian discuss when they cut his britches off.

Top
Subj:     Comedian Dan Nainan (S764d)
          From: hilary.miller05 on 8/30/2011
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/Ec_iYKigxRU

 Comedian Dan Nainan from the DVD "Thou Shalt Laugh 2:
 The Deuce," Dan Nainan jokes about the apparent mystery
 of his background.  Click 'HERE' to see this very funny
 comedian.

Top
Subj:     Jerry Seinfeld On Men And Women (S761d) 
          From: FunnyOrDie on 8/13/2011
 Source1: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/f80f01f1dd/
..........jerry-seinfeld-on-men-and-women-from-standupfan
 Source2: http://www.youtube.com/embed/aW6CoU2YtOU

 Click on either source, or 'HERE' for my copy, to see this
 funny stand-up routine by Jerry Seinfeld.

Top
Subj:     John Pinette's "Goes Camping" (S757d)
          From: tom on 7/15/11 (in Hunting-Supp)
 Source: (Removed by Image Entertainment)

 Click 'HERE' to see John Pinette doing his joke routine
 about camping in a 2006 stand-up, comedy routine.

Top
Subj:     Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry Comedy Sketch (S742d)
          From: Wimp.com on 3/23/2011 (in Englishman)
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/hNoS2BU6bbQ
 Source2: http://www.wimp.com/namesir/

 Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie perform a hilarious short
 comedy sketch in a police station.  A man making a
 statement has a surname that is pretty hard to pronounce!
 Watch this classic moment from the ground-breaking comedy
 sketch show 'A Bit of Fry and Laurie' for free with BBC
 Worldwide.  Click 'HERE' to see this very cute comedy
 sketch from Hugh Laurie's early days on British TV.

Top
Subj:     Rick Gutierrez: Prostate Exam (S738d) 
          From: RoofTopComedy on 3/6/2010
 Source: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/comics/RickGutierrez

 (See 'How To Enjoy A Colonoscopy' in Hospital1,
......'Scottish Colonoscopy' in Socttish,
......'Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal' in Doctor-Supp,
  and 'The Colon-Rectal Surgeon Song' in Doctor1)

 Rick Gutierrez performed this very funny, stand-up
 comedy routine at Cincinnati's "Go Bananas Comedy
 Club."  This two minute skit has been removed.

 If you go to Source, you can view nine comedy
 routines by Rick.  They are all so funny that
 I cried with laughter at each one of them.

Top
Subj:     Tim Hawkins: Old Rock Star Songs (S736d)
          From: sam.hutkins on 2/15/2011 (in Music2)
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/HxKeCmTCDV4
 Source2: http://dalesdesigns.net/rock-on.htm
 Source3: http://www.youtube.com/embed/9nh-odhhCh4

 In source 1, Comedian Tim Hawkins performs old rock
 star songs at the 5th annual Laugh for Life Gala in
 Edmonton, Alberta on Saturday, November 7, 2008.
 His opening comedy routing is great, but the audience
 isn't into his music.

 In sources 2 and 3, Tim Hawkins doesn't do his comedy
 routing, but the audience is very into his songs about
 famous Rock Stars.

 Click 'HERE' for my copy of the second source.

Top
Subj:     Maz Jobrani, Iranian-American(S711d)
             Comedian On TED on 8/31/2010
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/RmXiItk49Gw
 Source2: http://www.wimp.com/hearabout/

 A founding member of the Axis of Evil Comedy Tour, standup
 comic Maz Jobrani riffs on the challenges and conflicts of
 being Iranian-American -- "like, part of me thinks I should
 have a nuclear program; the other part thinks I can't be
 trusted ..."  Click 'HERE' to hear this great comedian on TED.

Top
Subj:     Carol Burnett Show - Wrong Number (S710d)
          From: CKButch4Femme on 8/23/2010  (in Movies2)
Photo from YouTube.com
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/vpSk2Hvqqgk

 The "Wrong Number" skit from the Carol Burnet Show featuring
 Carol and Tim Conway.  Click 'HERE' to see this cute video.

Top
Subj:     Harpo/Chico Comic Piano Duet (S700b,d)
          From: kgilmour2000 on 6/17/2010
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/F1-WEvM9spA
 Source2: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marx_Brothers

 Chico was an excellent pianist, but Harpo was hopelessly
 untalented on the guitar and piano.  Together on the piano
 they were great, funny and so talented that a crowd soon
 formed.  This is an excerpt from The Big Store (1941).  It
 is one of my favorite Marx Bros. moments.  Click 'HERE' to
 watch and listen to these two brothers do this great routine.

Top
Subj:     Hippieman On The Craig Ferguson Show (S703d)
          From: Anonymous Jr. on 6/12/2010
 Source: (Terminated due to copyright infringement)

 My cousin sent me the following joke from Hippieman:

 "So recently I was reading about another teacher who was
 having sex with a male student.  And I thought: where were
 all these teachers when I was in school.  Just my luck my
 teacher was a 70 year old overweight woman named Mrs. Fraker.
 I did her anyway but ended up with a C- in the class.  I
 asked her after the semester was over: what would it take
 to get it changed to an A?  I found out and said: I'll take
 the C-.  I don't need an A after all.  Which is how I became
 a vegetarian."

 I liked this joke so much, I wanted to see the video of John
 "Hippieman" Novosad performing it in the stand up routine on
 The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson on 6/11/10.  Click
 'HERE' to see this great stand-up comedian perform this joke.
 His delivery makes the joke even better.

Top
Subj:     Jerry Seinfeld - Stand Up Routine
          From: YouTube.com on 5/2/2010 (S694d, S825)
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/FzhypkGmdBA

 Click 'HERE' to see Seinfeld's ten minute routine on taking
 a commercial plane flight, McDonald's restaurants, expiration
 dates on milk cartons, seedless watermelons, men's brains and
 horse racing.

Top
Subj:     Robin Williams On Obama's Election (S662d)
          From: satam3 on 9/15/2009
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/KW2jSLuHlz4

 This video is Robin Williams' comedy routine in England.
 Prince Charles and Camilla were in the audience.  Click
 'HERE' to watch this great comedian.

Top
Subj:     The Copper Clapper Caper (S485, S743d)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 5/3/2006
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/cjquGpmgwOo

 This is the excellent Tonight Show skit done by Jack Webb and
 Johnny Carson in 1968.  You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     George Carlin's New Rules For 2008 (S580b)
          From: tom on 2/29/2008

 New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be
 just for weddings.  Now it's for babies and new homes and
 graduations from rehab.  Picking out the stuff "you" want
 and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving,
 it's the white people version of looting.

 New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
 There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.
 Because you don't particularly like them!  Besides, I
 already know what the captain of the football team is doing
 these days --- mowing my lawn.

 New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a
 window unless you're a seagull.  People are acting all
 shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's
 chili Hey, it cost less than a dollar.  What did you expect
 it to contain?  Lobster?

 New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with
 their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have
 a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

 New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.  Here's how
 much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them?
 Good, we're done.

 New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.  There's
 a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but,
 without that watery taste.  Sorry, but flavored water is
 called a soft drink.  You want flavored water?  Pour some
 scotch over ice and let it melt.  That's your flavored water.

 New Rule: Stop screwing with old people.  Target is
 introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a
 bigger label.  And the top is now the bottom.  And by the
 time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in
 the morgue.  Congratulations, Target, you just solved the
 Social Security crisis.

 New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the
 bigger the asshole.  If you walk into a Starbucks and order
 a 'decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla,
 double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,
 with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're
 a huge asshole.

 New Rule: I'm not the cashier!  By the time I look up from
 sliding my card, entering My PIN! number , pressing 'Enter,'
 verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back,
 and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be
 ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

 New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters
 in it doesn't make you Spiritual.  It's right above the
 crack of your ass.  And it translates to 'beef with
 broccoli.'  The last time you did anything spiritual, you
 were praying to God you weren't pregnant.  You're not
 spiritual.  You're just high.

 New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport.  It's one of
 the seven deadly sins.  ESPN Recently televised the U.S.
 Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes
 at the poker table was just too damned exciting.  What's
 next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing
 that.  It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

 New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M?Ms.  If I'm extra
 hungry for M?Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

 New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based
 on crappy old television shows, then you have to give
 everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's
 playing on the other screens.  Let's remember the reason
 something was a television show in the first place is that
 the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

 New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need
 to hear '27 months.'  'He's two' will do just fine.  He's
 not a cheese.  And I didn't really care in the first place.

 New Rule: If you ever hope to b e a credible adult and want
 a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's
 sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh.
 If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want
 fries with that?'

Top
Subj:     Jeff Dunham And Walter (S535, S801d)
          From: edapsmas on 4/20/2007
 Source: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x70qzc_
.........jeff-dunham-and-walter-best-damn-sp_fun

 (See 'Achmed The Dead Terrorist' in Middle East)

 How funny can a piece of wood be?  This is the funniest
 video I've seen in a long long while.  You can view
 Jeff and Walter on this episode of "Best Damn Sports Show"
 by clicking on the source.

Top
Subj:     Red Skelton's Tip For A Happy Marriage!!! (S419)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 2/4/2005

 (Just visualizing Red delivering this humor makes me smile.
 Humor without profanity... ...WHAT A CONCEPT!

 1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a
    little beverage, then comes good food and companionship.
    She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

 2. We also sleep in separate beds.
    Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

 3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her
    way back.

 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
    anniversary.  "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
    she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and
    electric bread maker.  Then she said "There are too
    many gadgets and no place to sit down!"  So I bought
    her an electric chair.

 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
    there was water in the carburetor.  I asked where the
    car was, she told me "In the Lake."

 8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
    Then the mud fell off.

 9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too
    late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

 10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

 11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
     name was Always.

 12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't
     like to interrupt her.

 13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's
     on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

From: igiggle@ on 11/28/2005 (S462b)
 There are three ages of man: youth, middle age,
 and "Gee, you look good."  -- Red Skelton

Top
Subj:    Party In The Stomach (S575d)
         Comedy Routine by Jim Breuer
         From: tom on 1/17/2008 (in drinking-supp)
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/mD_WPcSGHgs

 Jim Breuer describes a thing we all have had once or twice.
 Click 'HERE' to view this is a very good comedy routine.

Top
Subj:     Remembering Bob Hope (S371)
          From: Imogenelumen on 3/1/2004

 ON TURNING 70: "You still chase women, but only downhill."

 ON TURNING 80: "That's the time of life when even your
    birthday suit needs pressing."

 ON TURNING 90: "You know you're getting old when the
    candles cost more than the cake."

 ON TURNING 100: "I don't feel old.  In fact I don't feel
    anything until noon.  Then it's time for my nap."

 ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY BOXING CAREER: "I ruined my hands in
    the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."

 ON SAILORS: "They spend the first six days of each week
    sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday
    and pray for crop failure."

 ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR: "Welcome to the Academy Awards
    or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."

 ON GOLF: "Golf is my profession.  Show business just pays
    the green fees."

 ON PRESIDENTS: "I have performed for 12 presidents and
    entertained only six."

 ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER: "When I was born,
    the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations.  You
    have an eight-pound ham'."

 ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL: "I feel very
    humble, but I think I have the strength of character
    to fight it."

 ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY: "Four of us slept in one
    bed.  When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

 ON HIS SIX BROTHERS: "That's how I learned to dance.
    Waiting for the bathroom."

 ON HIS EARLY FAILURES: "I wouldn't have had anything to eat
    if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

 ON GOING TO HEAVEN: "I've done benefits for ALL religions.
    I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

From: igiggle on 4/9/2003 (S324b)
 I don't feel eighty.  In fact, I don't feel anything til
 noon.  Then it's time for my nap.  -- Bob Hope

From NBC News on 7/27/03 (S339b)
 Before his death Bob Hope's wife Dolores asked him where
 he wanted to be buried.  Bob's answer was "Suprise me!"

From: LABLaughsClean on 7/22/2005 (S444b)
 "Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better
  in the morning."  -- Bob Hope

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/26/2002 (S269c)
 "When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the
 Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in."
 Bob Hope talking about Jack Benny

Top
Subj:     Mrs. Hughes' Comedy (S570d)
          From: darrellvip on 12/19/2007
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/jWrj9TaA0Mc
 Source2: http://www.mrshughes.com/

 Mrs. Hughes is a very funny comedian, especially for the
 older generation.  Click 'HERE' to hear Mrs. Hughes live
 at the Ice House.

Top
Subj:     Andy Rooney Interview On 60 Minutes (S330)
          From: gibbz on 5/23/2003

 The views expressed in this posting are not necessarily the
 views of the management, but they're still rather pithy and
 many are worth consideration.

 Steve

 Andy Rooney said on 60 minutes a few weeks back:
 (for those of you that don't know Andy Rooney, he is a
  82 year old US TV commentator)

 I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses
 and big campfires.

 I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family,
 not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who
 wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting
 out babies.

 Guns do not make you a killer.  I think killing makes you
 a killer.  You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a
 car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the
 ball game.

 I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason,
 that is why there are no girls allowed.  Girls belong in
 the Girl Scouts!  ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?

 I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is
 not a phobia, it is an opinion.

 I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of
 anything except numbers.  The only things I can think
 of that are truly discriminatory are things like the
 United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment
 Television, and Miss Black America.  Try to have things
 like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine,
 White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America;
 and see what happens.  Jesse Jackson will be knocking
 down your door.

 I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because
 they are different, weird, or tick me off.

 When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in
 cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not
 racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.

 I know what sex is, and there are not varying degrees of
 it.  If I received sex from one of my subordinates in my
 office, it wouldn't be a private matter or my personal
 business.  I would be "FIRED" immediately!

 I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack
 of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do
 it in English!  As a matter of fact, if you want to be an
 American citizen, you should have to speak English!

 My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can
 leave the countries you were born in to come over and
 disrespect ours.  I think the police should have every
 right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after
 they tell you to stop.  If you can't understand the word
 "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

 I feel much safer letting a machine with no political
 affiliation recount votes when needed.  I know what the
 definition of lying is.

 I don't think just because you were not born in this
 country, you are qualified for any special loan programs,
 government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so
 you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any
 other business.

 We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and
 risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that
 decades later they could come over here and tell us our
 constitution is a living document; and open to their
 interpretations.

 I don't hate the rich.  I don't pity the poor.  I know
 pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television.
 That doesn't stop you from watching them.

 I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with
 a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.

 I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he
 made and continue to make more.  If it ticks you off, go
 and invent the next operating system that's better, and
 put your name on the building.  Ask your buddy that
 invented the Internet to help you.

 It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right,
 but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and
 smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"

 "I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them,
 but please don't pretend they are a political statement.
 And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals.  I
 don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you
 serve me french fries!

 I am sick of "Political Correctness."  I know a lot of
 black people, and not a single one of them was born in
 Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"?  Besides,
 Africa is a continent.

 I don't go around saying I am a European-American because
 my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather
 was from Europe.  I am proud to be from America and no-
 where else.

 And if you don't like my point of view, tough.
 DON'T PASS IT ON!!

Top
Subj:     More Andy Rooney (S317b)
          From: gheckman on 2/20/2003

 (See 'Words Of Wisdom' in THOUGHTS-LEARNED1)

 1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
 "Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning
 'lousy hunter.'"

 2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
 Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year
 to house each prisoner?  Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks
 apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house.  I live
 in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.

 I don't think we should give free room and board to
 criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours
 a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.  And if
 they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
 that's hooked up to the generator.

 3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
 My wife uses fabric softener.  I never knew what that
 stuff was for.  Then I noticed women coming up to me,
 sniffing, then saying under their breath," Married!"
 and walking away.  Fabric Softeners are how our wives
 mark their territory.  We can take off the ring, but
 it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your
 clothes.

 4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:
 Men and women are different in the morning.  We men
 wake up aroused in the morning.  We can't help it.  We
 just wake up and we want you.  And the women are
 thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the
 morning?'  It's because we can't see you.  We have no
 blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

 5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
 You know those shows where people call in and vote on
 different issues?  Did you ever notice there's always
 like 18% that say "I don't know."  It costs 90 cents
 to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know."
 Honey, I feel very strongly about this.  Give me the
 phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up
 looking proud.)  Sometimes you have to stand up for
 what you believe you're not sure about."  This guy
 probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say,
 "I'm not in the mood."

 6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
 My wife's from the Midwest.  Very nice people there.
 Very wholesome.  They Use words like 'Cripes'.  'For
 Cripe's sake.'  Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's?
 The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'?  I'm
 not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

 7. Andy Rooney On Grandma:
 My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that
 says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.'  You don't want to think
 of your grandmother that way, do you?  Out entering
 wet shawl contests.  Makes you wonder where she got
 that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

 8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
 Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages
 on someone's answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day
 and I'm out enjoying it right now.  I hope you are too.
 The thought for the day is: "Share the love."  Beep.

 "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking
 of being positive, your test results are back.  Stop
 sharing the love."

 9. Andy Rooney on Research:
 Because over the past few years, more money has been
 spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on
 Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by
 the year 2030 there will be a large number of people
 wandering around with huge breasts and erections...
 who can't remember what to do with them.

 10. Andy Rooney on the Supreme Court
 To view Andy Rooney's opinion of the U.S. Supreme Court,
 the founding fathers and God click 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Johnny Carson and Dom deLuise (S627, S801d)
          From: tom on 1/14/2009 (in Movies-Supp2)
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/Pl0B2JhZTF0

 Dom deLuise does a magic act on the Johnny Carson Show.
 This routine is very, very funny.  Don't miss this one.
 Click 'HERE' to see this wonderful routine.

Top
Subj:     George Gobel On The Johnny Carson Show
          From: LABLaughsClean (in Movies-Supp2)
          on 1/12/2009 (S629, S801d)
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/efHVcgUajtA

 Bob Hope, Dean Martin, and George Gobel on the Johnny
 Carson Show in 1969.  Click 'HERE' to see this very
 funny video.


Subj:     Other Comedian Quotations

Top
Subj:     "Osama Bin Laden" Song Performed
             By Frank Skinner (S712d)
          From: CKButch4Femme on Facebook on 9/6/10
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/q6ee1v6hlok
 In this video, the funny Osama Bin Laden song is performed
 by comedian Frank Skinner at the NIA.  Click 'HERE' to hear
 this cute song.
 

Top
Subj:     Jack Benny: Your Money Or Your Life (S704d)
          From: Anonymous Jr. on 7/10/2010
Photo from MortysTV.com
 Source1: http://noahscomedypalace.blogspot.com/2009/06/
..........jack-benny-your-money-or-your-life_12.html
 On March 28, 1948, Jack Benny's radio program's episode
 was titled "The Stolen Oscar."  It included his most
 famous comedy routine, "Your Money or Your Life."  Click
 'HERE' to hear Jack's great delivery and humor.

 Or listen by clicking on
 http://www.jokelibrary.net/words/q_to_w/q-comed-supp-benny_audio.MP3
 

Top
Subj:     Seinfeld: How To Respond To A Telemarketer
          From: Wimp.com on 1/22/2010 (S680d, S826)
 Source: http://www.wimp.com/respondtelemarketer/
 Click 'HERE' to see this cute, short video.
 

Top
Subj:     Patsy Cline Song/Comedy Video (S631b,d)
          From: darrellvip on 2/10/2009
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/bT0-WFsP0sM
 This very cute comedy routing is built around the Patsy
 Cline song "She's Got You".  Click 'Here' to see this
 lip sync at a high school reunion.
 

Top
Subj:     Bill Maher's New Rules (S551)
          From: rfslick on 8/9/2007
Photo from BarnesAndNoble.com...
 Source: http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/
 The following "New Rules for 2006" are different that
 the HBO list quoted above.  But the "New Rules" is
 a regular part of the show "Real Time with Bill Maher".
 You can read the list by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     More George Carlin #2 (S512c)
          From: momndadac on 11/10/2006

Drawing from JSOnline

 To read 'More George Carlin, click 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Crazy World by Chris Rock (S323)
          From: kmacinty on 4/9/2003
 "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is
 a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest
 guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's
 Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany
 doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful
 men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colin.'
 Need I say more?"  -- Chris Rock
 

Top
Subj:     10 Funny Movie Quotes (S709d)
          From: YouTube.com on 8/16/2010
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/_BmXlJc3kcc
 Click 'HERE' to see these ten very funny movie shorts.
 

Top
Subj:     TEDx - John Cassidy's Talk
             On Kindness (S721d)
          From: Wimp.com on 11/10/2010
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/rW28i_SBphU
 Source2: http://www.wimp.com/worthwatching/
 At TEDxPhoenixville in 2010 the comedian, magician
 John Cassidy gave a talk about kindness by using
 balloons. Cassidy acts very similar to Robin Williams
 and is also very funny.  Click 'HERE' to see this
 touching video.
 
 

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 7/15/2005 (S443b)
 "Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser.
 I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out
 of them." -- Chris Rock

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 12/30/2005 (S467b)
 "We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when
  we went to bed."  -- Chris Rock

Also see 'Chris Rock On Police Ass Kicking' in Black1
 

From: oke-of-the-day.com on 4/18/03 (S325b)
 I've had great success being a total idiot.
   -- Jerry Lewis

From: igiggle on 4/22/03 (S325b)
 Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.
   -- James Thurber

From: igiggle on 7/6/2004 (S388b)
 You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.
   -- Jay Leno

From: igiggle on 7/5/2004 (S389b)
 What's a home without a mother?  Dirty.  -- Soupy Sales

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 7/24/2005 (S444b)
 "If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching
  television by candlelight."  -- George Gobol.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 8/16/2005 (S446b)
 "If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest,
  craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all
  you have to do is go to a state fair.  Because five
  minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're
  alright. We are dang near royalty."  -- Jeff Foxworthy

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 10/11/2005 (S454b)
 "The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make
  strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and
  Make people talk like you because it's so much fun."
    -- Jerry Seinfeld

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 1/15/2006 (S469b)
 "Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled
  for a reason."  -- Jerry Seinfeld

From: igiggle on 12/13/2005 (S463b)
 Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them
 in time for Christmas.  -- Johnny Carson

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 4/8/2006 (S481b)
 "Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell
  what religion they are."  -- Robin Williams

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 7/2/2006 (S492b)
 "By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
  he's too old to go anywhere."  -- Billy Crystal

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..............................From Kurrus.Ne.
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