Subj: Quotations By Comedians
(Includes 323 jokes and articles, 04786n,6,cf)
Click "Here" for Quotes-Commed-Supp
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Subj: Quotations By Comedians (Includes 323 jokes and articles, 04786n,6,cf) Click "Here" for Quotes-Commed-Supp |
|
Cheshire Cat from Abdul's Animation Gallery |
Also see BASEBALL file- '"Who's
On First"'
BATHROOM file- 'Dave Barry
on Toilets'
BLACKS2 file - 'Bill
Cosby's Speech On May 17, 2004'
BREAST-SUPP - 'Homemade
Breast Implants' - Movie
CANADIAN file- 'Jim
Carrey Explains Canada' - Movie
CHRISTMAS-SUP- 'Red
Skelton - The Littlest Christmas Tree' - Audio
COMPUTERS3 - 'Millennium
Bug By Dave Barry'
COWBOY file - 'Will
Rogers Quotations'
DRINKINGBEER2- 'Norm
Peterson, from the TV show Cheers!'
ELDERLY3 file- 'Jeanne Robertson
Humorist' - Movie
......................-
'Age
Is A Funny Thing' by George Carlin
ENGLISH-SUPP - 'George Carlin On
Euphemistic Language' - Movie
FOURTH_OF_JLY- 'Robin Williams
As The American Flag' - Movie
......................-
'Pledge
Of Allegiance by Red Skelton' Movie/Audio
GOLF-SUPP - 'Robin
William Jokes About Golf'
MANNERS file - 'Fruitcake Lady' -
Movie
......................-
'Fruitcake
Lady II' - Movie
MANNERS-SUPP - 'Fruitcake Lady
III' - Movie
MARRIAGE5 - 'Red
Skelton's Recipe For A Good Marriage'
.........MEN2
file - 'Men In
Coats' - Movie
MIDDLE EAST - 'Jeff
Dunham - Achmed The Dead Terroist'
MOVIES_ETC - (W.C.
Fields' quotes)
MOVIES2 file - 'Johnny
Carson As Ronald Reagan' - Movie
MOVIES2-SUPP -
'Bill
Cosby - You Bet Your Life' - Movie
......................-
'Milton
Berle Vs. Statler ? Waldorf' - Movie
......................-
'Duck
Soup Movie - Mirror Scene' - Movie w/Marx brothers
MUSIC2 file - 'Harpo/Chico
Comic Piano Duet' - Movie
NATIONAL2 - 'Peace
Plan by Robin Williams'
OTHER_OCCUP - 'Steve
Martin's "The Great Flydini" - Movie
PENIS1 file - 'Buddy
Hackett - Elephant Trunk Joke' - Movie
PHONE file - 'Rooney's
Tips For Telemarketers'
POLIT-CLN-SC2- 'Clinton
As A Black'
POLIT-SUPP2 - 'Ronald
Reagan - Cow Manure Joke' - Movie
PUSSY file - 'Raquel
Welch Visits The Tonight Show'
QUOTES2 file - 'Steven Wright's
Greatest'
SEX-SUPP file- 'Robin Williams
- Weapons Of Self Destruction' - Movie
SHIT file - 'Shit
Is A Powerful Word' by George Carlin
TENNIS file - 'Tennis
Racket Contortionist'
THOUGHTS SLLY- (Whole
File)
THOUGHTS TIME- 'The
Paradox Of Our Time by George Carlin
============================================================Top
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/10/2001
(S254)
Give me a sense of humor, Lord...
Give me the grace to see a joke...
To get some humor out of life...
And pass it on to other folk."
-- Anonymous
\\\//
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Subj: Late
Night Joke Archive (S283)
From: http://www.newsmax.com/liners.shtml
on 7/5/02
Monday, July 1 (rerun)
Leno
They showed [Robert] Blake on
the news at the jail with his
priest. Then I realized,
that's not his priest, that was
his cellmate!
Jesse Jackson was in a car accident
this week. No one was
hurt, but the two women in the
other car are now pregnant.
Letterman
This show is like a Florida
flight school – we'll let anyone in!
I was just telling the crowd
about this before I came out.
All of a sudden it has gotten
hot here. It's like the middle
of summer now. It was
so hot today that Catholic priests were
defrocking themselves!
Friday Night June 28
Leno
It was so hot today, out in
Barstow the crystal meth labs
were making more money selling
Sno Cones.
And in Burbank, I was sweating
like God trying to sneak
into a public school.
Call me cynical, but my favorite
part of this whole thing
... did you see those congressmen
on the news yesterday?
Out on the Capitol steps holding
their hearts saying the
Pledge of Allegiance right in
front of TV cameras. Man,
those guys were grabbing their
hearts harder than Dick
Cheney after a couple cheeseburgers.
President Bush scheduled to undergo
a colonoscopy tomorrow.
You never know where that Osama
bin Laden might be hiding!
I guess this is pretty easy for
the anesthesiologist to
put Bush under. They're
just going to slip him a pretzel.
A retailer in Sweden is now launching
a line of paper
underwear. Underwear made
of paper. They can't be washed
but you can clean them with
an eraser.
\\\//
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Subj: George
Carlin's Thoughts (S238)
From: mombear1 8/21/2001
(See 'Age Is A
Funny Thing By Carlin' in Elderly3)
Here are some George Carlin thoughts
1. If you take an Oriental person
and spin him around
several times,
does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are
called Poles, why aren't
people from
Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is
out of whack?
What's a
whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy
as much as adults
enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A
penny for your thoughts",
and you put
your two cents in, what happens to the
other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests
all your money
called a
broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight
packages?
It's just
stale bread to begin with.
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays
the piano called a pianist
but a person
who drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the
shortest sentence in the
English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the
longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred
and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians
denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,
tree surgeons
debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to
merge, would they call it
Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put
on the driver's licenses
of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how
people seem to read the Bible
a whole lot
more as they get older, then it dawned on
me . . .
they're cramming for their final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers
feed their babies with tiny
little spoons
and forks so I wondered what do Chinese
mothers use?
Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures
of criminals up in the Post
Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't
they just put their pictures on the postage
stamps so
the mailmen could look for them while they
delivered
the mail?
23. If it's true that we are
here to help others, then
what exactly
are the others here for?
24. You never really learn to
swear until
you learn
to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only
a game",
when their
team is winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed
of lightning would be
if it didn't
zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank
tape at full blast.
The mime
next door went nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
\\\//
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Subj: George
Carlin's Old Stuff (S270d)
From: pns on 3/11/2002
1) Never raise your hands to
your kids. It leaves
your groin
unprotected.
2) I'm not into working out.
My philosophy: No pain;
no pain.
3) I am in shape. Round's a
shape...
4) I'm desperately trying to
figure out why kamikaze
pilots wore
helmets.
5) Ever wonder if illiterate
people get the full effect
of alphabet
soup?
6) I always wanted to be somebody,
but I should have
been more
specific.
7) Did you ever notice when
you blow in a dog's face
he gets mad
at you? But when you take him in a car
he sticks
his head out the window.
8) Have you ever noticed?
Anybody going slower than
you is an
idiot, and anyone going faster than you
is a maniac.
9) You have to stay in shape.
My grandmother started
walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97
today and
we have no idea where she is.
10) I have six locks on my door
all in a row. When I
go out,I
lock every other one. I figure no matter
how long
somebody stands there picking the locks,
they are
always locking three.
11) The statistics on sanity
are that one out of every
four Americans
is suffering from some form of mental
illness.
Think of your three best friends. If they
are okay,
then it's you.
12) Now they show you how detergents
take out bloodstains,
a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got
a T-shirt
with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry
isn't your
biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid
of the body
before you do the wash.
13) I ask people why they have
deer heads on their walls.
They always
say because it's such a beautiful animal.
There you
go. I think my mother in law is attractive,
but I only
have photographs of her.
14) A lady came up to me on
the street and pointed at my
suede jacket.
"You know a cow was murdered for that
jacket?"
she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone,
"I didn't
know there were any witnesses. Now I'll
have to kill
you too."
15) Future historians will be
able to study at the Gerald
Ford Library,
the James Carter Library, the Ronald
Reagan Library,
and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
\\\//
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Subj: More
George Carlin (S349)
From: KMacintyre on 9/29/2003
Just a few thoughts from George Carlin.
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have
to be before they are
considered assassinated instead
of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?
Once you're in heaven do you
get stuck wearing the clothes
you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did 'cured' ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on
the moon before we figured out it
would be a good idea to put
wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they
'slept like a baby' when
babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall
buildings and then put
money in binoculars to look
at things on the ground?
Why do we choose from just two
people for President and
fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room
while you change?
They're going to see you naked
anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
and finally...
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
From: humorlist-digest V2 #288 on 98-12-07
"May the forces of evil become
confused on the way to your house."
-- George Carlin
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/20/2001
(S230)
"Most people work hard enough
not to get fired and
get paid just enough not to
quit." -- George Carlin
From: TAdams on 9/5/2001 (S240)
"Men are from Earth. Women
are from Earth.
Deal with it." --- George
Carlin
From: igiggle on 1/5/2005 (S414b)
The day after tomorrow is the
third day of the rest of your life.
-- George Carlin
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 7/28/2005
(S445b)
"Comedy is a socially acceptable
form of hostility and aggression.
That is what comics do, stand
the world upside down."
-- George Carlin
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 11/4/2005
(S457b)
"People love to admit they have
bad handwriting or that they
can't do math. And they will
readily admit to being awkward:
'I'm such a klutz!' But they
will never admit to having a
poor sense of humor or being
a bad driver." -- George Carlin
\\\//
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Subj: I Am
A BAD American By George Carlin (S227, S438)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 5/17/2001
and
From: DoctorDebt on 6/21/2005
| I Am Your Worst
Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I am George Carlin. I believe the money I make belongs
to me and
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I don't think being a minority
makes you
|
 |
I believe that if you are selling
me a Big Mac, you'd better
do it in English.
I don't use the excuse "it's
for the children" as a shield
for unpopular opinions or actions.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
I think that being a student
doesn't give you any more
enlightenment than working at
Blockbuster. In fact, if
your parents are footing the
bill to put your pansy ass
through 4-7 years of college,
you haven't begun to be
enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God.
My heroes are John Wayne, the
Simpsons, and whoever canceled
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and
I don't waste my time arguing
about it.
I think global warming is a big
lie. Where are all those
experts now, when I am freezing
my ass through a long winter?
I've never owned a slave, or
was a slave, I didn't wander
forty years in the desert after
getting chased out of Egypt,
I haven't burned any witches
or been persecuted by the Turks
and neither have you, so shut
up already.
I want to know which church is
it exactly where the Reverend
Jesse Jackson preaches.
And where does he get his money.
And why is he always part of
the problem and not the solution.
I think the cops have every right
to shoot your sorry ass if
you're running from them.
I also think they have the right
to pull your ass over if you
are breaking the law, regardless
of what color you are.
I think if you are too stupid
to know how a ballot works, I
don't want you deciding who
should be running the most powerful
nation the world for the next
four years.
I hate those bastards standing
in the intersections trying to
sell me crap or trying to guilt
me into making 'donations' to
their cause. These people
should be targets.
I think if you are in the passing
lane, and not passing, your
license should be revoked, and
you should be forced to ride
the bus until you promise to
never delay the rest of us again.
I believe that it doesn't take
a village to raise a child, it
takes two parents.
I think tattoos and piercing
are fine if you want them, but
please don't pretend they are
a political statement.
I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised,
no matter how
desperately the mainstream media
would like the world to
believe otherwise.
I believe if she has her lips
on your willie, it is sex, and
it is sex for both of you.
This even applies when you are
President of the United States.
If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.
If you too are a BAD American please forward this.
\\\//
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Subj: George
Carlin's Perfect Life (S191, S564b)
From: ICohen on 9/25/00
and
From: jokes on gomilpitas on 11/9/2007
(Also see 'Reverse
Life Cycle' in THOUGHTS-TIME)
"The most unfair thing about
life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes
up a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of
it? A death. What's that,
a bonus? I think the life
cycle is all backwards. You
should die first, get it out
of the way. Then you live
in an old age home. You
get kicked out when you're too
young, you get a gold watch
and you go to work.
You work forty years until you're
young enough to enjoy
your retirement. You do
drugs, alcohol, you party, you
get ready for high school.
You go to grade school, you
become a kid, you play, you
have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby, you
go back into the womb,
spend your last nine months
floating. . . and you finish
off as an orgasm.
\\\//
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Subj: Abbott
Teaches Costello On Computers (S63, S747)
From: RFSlick on 8/21/2005 and 8/15/2008
and
From: gattica30 on 5/9/2011
(See 'Abbott And Costello
13 X 7 is 28' - Movie in Math2)
and 'Who's On First'
in BASEBALL
and 'Bush
Does "Who's on first?"' in POLIT-BUSH)
You have to be old enough to
remember Abbott and Costello,
and too old to REALLY understand
computers, to fully appreciate
this.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello
were alive today, their infamous
sketch, "Who's on First?" might
have turned out something like
this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting
up an office in my den and I'm
thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer!
I need something I can use to
write proposals, track expenses and run my business.
What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office
with windows! OK, let's
just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to
type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click
your blue "w" if you don't start
with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I
watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe
a cartoon. What I watch is
none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie,
I also want to watch reels 2,
3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer
and I want to watch a movie.
What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue " W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair,
there aren't many other Words
left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words
out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing
to do with Word. Real One isn't
even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that
again. What about financial
bookkeeping? You hav e anything I can track my
money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".......
\\\//
-(o o)-
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Subj: Who's
Job Is It? (S624b, Similar to 'Who's on first')
From: Yzmir's HUMOR LISTS Updated 5/22/1997
This is a story about four people
named
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody
and Nobody.
There was an Important job to
be done and
Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody
was sure Somebody would do it.
Anybody could
have done it, but Nobody did
it. Somebody
got angry about that, because
it was
Everybody's job. Everybody
thought that
Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up
that Everybody blamed Somebody
when Nobody
did what Anybody could have
done.
\\\//
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 |
Subj:
Quotes From Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
From: smiles on 7/8/99 (S128, S624b) Photo from TV and Movie Trivia Tribute |
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Click 'HERE' to read fifty other wonderful Groucho quotes.
\\\//
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| Subj:
Rodney Dangerfield's Best One-Liners:
From: humorlist-digest V2 #127 on 98-05-22 and From: ICohen on 8/1/2006 (S69, S497c) |
 |
Drawing from
MorningCoffee.WordPress.com |
Click 'HERE'
to read lots of wonderful Rodney Dangerfield
one-liners.
\\\//
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Subj: In Memory:
Henny Youngman (S84)
From: RFSlick on 98-09-09
From the book 'Take my wife, please! (and so much more)'
Henny Youngman
1906-1998
Airline Jokes
Getting on a plane, I told the
ticket lady, "Send one of my
bags to New York, send one to
Los Angeles, and send one to
Miami." She said, "We
can't do that!" I told her, "You did
it last week!"
I was just in London - there
is a 6 hour time difference.
I'm still confused. When
I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When
I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The food on the plane was fit
for a king. "Here, King!"
Doctor Jokes
A doctor gave a man six months
to live. The man couldn't pay
his bill, so he gave him another
six months.
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen
saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check
came back." Mrs. Cohen answered
"So did my arthritis!"
The Doctor says "You'll live
to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See,
what did I tell you?"
A doctor says to a man "You want
to improve your love life?
You need to get some exercise.
Run ten miles a day." Two
weeks later, the man called
the doctor. The doctor says
"How is your love life since
you have been running?" "I
don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
The patient says "Doctor, it
hurts when I do this."
"Then don't do that!"
The doctor says to the patient,
"Take your clothes off and
stick your tongue out the window".
"What will that do"
asks the patient. The
doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"
A doctor has a stethoscope up
to a man's chest. The man asks
"Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor
says "That's what puzzles
me!"
"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"
Doctor says to a man "You're
pregnant!" The man says "How
does a man get pregnant?"
The doctor says "The usual way, a
little wine, a little dinner...."
A man goes to a psychiatrist
"Nobody listen to me!" The
doctor says "Next!"
A man goes to a psychiatrist.
The doctor says "You're crazy"
The man says "I want a second
opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just
gave a clean bill of health
to dropped dead right as he
was leaving the office".
Doctor: "Turn him around, make
it look like he was walking in."
I know a guy who had his doctor
say "take some weight off, go
to a health club." This man
lost 20 pounds in one week! The
machine tore his leg off!
Drunk Jokes
A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says "You've been
brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's
get started."
Another drunk goes up to a parking
meter, puts in a quarter,
the dial goes to 60. The drunk
says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
Golf Jokes
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
I was playing golf. I swung,
missed the ball, and got a big
chunk of dirt. I swung again,
missed the ball, and got
another big chunk of dirt. Just
then, 2 ants climbed on the
ball saying "Let's get up here
before we get killed!"
Hollywood Jokes
Hollywood called me, asking me
"How much to do a movie with
Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They
called back "How about $20,000?"
I said "I'll pay it!"
Farrah's dressing room was next
to mine. There was a little
hole in the wall. I let her
look.
I'm now making a Jewish porno
film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.
Homeless Guys Jokes
A bum asked me "Give me $10 till
payday." I asked "When's
payday?" He said "I don't
know, you're the one who is
working!"
A bum came up to me saying "I
haven't eaten in two days!"
I said, "You should force yourself!"
Another bum told me "I haven't
tasted food all week." I told
him "Don't worry, it still tastes
the same!"
Another bum asked me "Can I have
$300 for a cup of coffee?"
I told him "Coffee's a quarter!"
The bum said "Yeah, but
I want to drink it in Brazil!"
I was walking down the street,
and I found a man's hand in my
pocket. I asked "What do you
want?" "A match" "Why didn't you
ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."
Wife Jokes
A woman says to a man, "I haven't
seen you around here."
"Yes, I just got out of jail
for killing my wife."
"So you're single?."
Take my wife, please!
I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
I've been in love with the same
woman for 49 years. If my
wife every finds out, she'll
kill me!
My wife and I have the secret
to making a marriage last. Two
times a week, we go to a nice
restaurant, a little wine,
good food..... She goes Tuesdays,
I go Fridays.
Someone stole all my credit cards,
but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my
wife did.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you
want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have
never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife has a black belt in shopping.
My wife will buy anything marked
down. Last year she bought
an escalator.
All my wife does is shop - once
she was sick for a week, and
three stores went under.
She has an electric blender,
electric toaster, electric bread
maker. Then she said "There
are too many gadgets, and no
place to sit down! So what did
I do? Bought her an electric
chair.
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's.
I bring her mail
there twice a week.
My wife and I went back to the
hotel where we spent our wedding
night. Only this time, I stayed
in the bathroom and cried.
My wife drives the wrong way
on a one way street. The cop
pulled her over and asked, "Where
are you going?" My wife
said, "I must be late, everyone
is all coming back!"
My wife told me the car wasn't
running well, there was water
in the carburetor. I asked where
the car was, and she told
me it was in the lake.
My wife and I went to a hotel
where we got a waterbed. My
wife called it the Dead Sea.
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts
and bananas. She hasn't
lost weight, but can she climb
a tree!
She was at the beauty shop for
two hours. That was only for
the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked
great for two days. Then the
mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck,
yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" "No, jump
in!"
I bought my wife a little Italian
car. A Mafia. It has a
hood under the hood.
Three weeks ago, she learned
how to drive. Last week she
learned how to aim it.
I came home, the car was in the
dining room. "How did you get
the car in here?" "Easy,
I took a left at the kitchen."
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Some
Jewish Jokes from Henny Youngman (S75)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #167 on 98-07-06
A Jewish woman had 2 chickens.
One got sick, so the woman made
chicken soup out of the other
one to help the sick one get well.
A Jewish man pulls up to the
curb and asks the policeman "Can
I park here?"
"No" says the cop.
"What about all these other
cars?"
"They didn't ask!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so
much?
They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before
their wives?
They want to.
Why don't Jews drink?
It interferes with their suffering.
I asked a Jewish man "Do you
know where Michigan Avenue is?"
He said "Yes", and walked away.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic
says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good
living."
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #303 on 5/28/99
(S122)
I once wanted to become an atheist
but I gave up . . .
they have no holidays.
-- Henny Youngman
.
 |
Drawing from tom on 8/21/2009 |
From: humorlist-digest V2 #183 on 98-07-22
My wife dresses to kill.
She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman
From: RFSlick on 98-12-06
You know what I did before I
married?
Anything I wanted
to. -- Henny Youngman
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/27/2002
(S269c)
"I've got all the money I'll
ever need if I die by
four o'clock this afternoon."
-- Henry Youngman.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/10/2002
(S272c)
"I've got a wonderful doctor.
If you can't afford the
operation, he touches up the
X rays." -- Henny Youngman
From: joke-of-the-day.com on 12/5/2002
(S305)
"If you're going to do something
tonight that you'll be be
sorry for tomorrow morning,
sleep late." -- Henry Youngman.
From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366)
What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
-- Henny Youngman
From: mrx on 6/15/2004 (S387b)
"What a hotel! The towels were
so fluffy I could hardly
close my suitcase." --
Henny Youngman
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 10/5/2005
(S455b)
"My dad was the town drunk.
Most of the time that's
not so bad; but New York City?"
-- Henry Youngman
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 10/10/2005
(S454b)
"My Grandmother is over eighty
and still doesn't need glasses.
Drinks right out of the bottle."
-- Henny Youngman
From: igiggle on 11/17/2005 (S460b
- college2)
College: a fountain of knowledge
where we all go to drink.
-- Henny Youngman
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/18/2006
(S486b)
"Some people ask the secret
of our long marriage. We take
time to go to a restaurant two
times a week. A little
candlelight, dinner, soft music
and dancing. She goes
Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
-- Henry Youngman
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 8/2/2006
(S497b)
"Americans are getting stronger.
Twenty years ago, it took
two people to carry ten dollars
worth of groceries. Today,
a five-year-old can do it."
-- Henry Youngman
From: igiggle on 3/5/2007 (S528b)
Is your teenage son or daughter
out for the evening? If so,
take advantage of the opportunity.
Pack your furniture, call
a moving van, and don't leave
a forwarding address.
-- Henny Youngman
.
|
Drawing from tom on 8/21/2009 |
Man calls 911 and says "I think
my wife is dead" The
operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the
same but the ironing is building
up!"
I was in bed with a blind girl
last night and she said
that I had the biggest penis
she had ever laid her hands
on. I said "You're pulling
my leg."
My girlfriend thinks that I'm
a stalker. Well, she's not
exactly my girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine check up
today and everything seemed
to be going fine until he stuck
his index finger up my
butt! Do you think I should
change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you're
always pushing me around
and talking behind my back.
He says what do you expect?
You're in a wheel chair.
I was explaining to my wife last
night that when you die you
get reincarnated but must come
back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come
back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not
listening. "
The wife has been missing a week
now. Police said to prepare
for the worst. So I have
been to the thrift shop to get all
her clothes back.
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: Other
Comedian Quotations
 |
Subj: Dave Barry Articles Photo from Speakers.Stanford.edu If you have never read Dave Barry's columns from |
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/living/columnists/dave_barry/
or
http://www.miami.com/herald/special/features/barry/
you can
look up all his articles with
cartoons in the last four years.
Dave Barry is a humor columnist
for the Miami Herald. Write
to him c/o Tropic Magazine,
The Miami Herald, One Herald
Plaza, Miami FL 33132.
DAVE BARRY'S column appears most
Sundays in 'The Way We Live'.
Write him c/o Detroit Free Press,
600 W. Fort, Detroit MI 48226.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 3/5/2006
(S477b)
"You can only be young once.
But you can always be immature."
-- Dave Barry
As I stumble upon old jokes by
Dave Barry, I will list them here.
......'British
Art' in ARTIST
......'Dave
Barry on Baseball and Women' in BASEBALL
......'Dave
Barry on Toilets' in BATHROOM
......'Dave
Barry on Bathroom Soap' in BATHROOM-SUPP
......'College
by DAVE BARRY' in COLLEGE1
......'How
to Install Software - A 12-Step Program' in COMPUTERS2
......'Millennium
Bug By Dave Barry' in COMPUTERS3
......'E-Mail
By Dave Barry' in COMPUTERS-SUPP
......'Dave
Barry On Beauty' in DIFFERENCES1
......'Dave
Barry On Relationships' in DIFFERENCES1
......'Dave
Barry On Differences' in DIFFERENCES3
......'Dave
Barry on Drinking' in DRINKING
......'Dave
Barry's Colonoscopy Journal' in DOCTOR-SUPP
......'Dog
Quote By Barry' in DOGS3
......'Better
Education Would Outlaw Stupid Crooks' in FACTS5
......'Dace
Barry on Cholesterol' in FAT
......'God's
Messenger By Dave Barry' in GOD2
......'Dave
Barry On Halloween' in HALLOWEEN
......'Dave
Barry On Religion' in Religion
......'Changing
Company Names' in JOB-STUFF
......'Econ
101: By DAVE BARRY' in JOB-STUFF-SUPP
......'18
Things I've Learned By Dave Barry' in LISTS
......'Dave
Barry On Mothers' in MOTHERS-SUPP
......'Dave
Barry On Forces' in SCIENCE2
......'Dave
Barry on Karate' in OTHER-SPORTS
......'Taxes
By Dave Barry' in TAXES
......'Tips
For Not Hosting Thanksgiving Dinner Next Year' in THANKSGIVING
......'25
Things I Have Learned In 50 Years' in THOUGHTS-LEARNED1
Top
Subj: Quote
On Jokes
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #226 on 98-01-28
Comedian Paul Rodriquez (of
Mexican heritage, for you ethnically
challenged) said recently on
PBS Television (of all places) when
asked if he was offended by
humour with racial connotations?
"Only if it isn't funny," was
his astute and prescient reply!"
From: RFSlick on 98-12-06 (S268c)
A good wife always forgives
her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle
From: dogbyte on 3/20/2002 (S268c)
Your marriage is in trouble
if your wife says, "You're only
interested in one thing," and
you can't remember what it is.
-- Milton Berle
From: humorlist-digest V2 #175 on 98-07-14
I don't date women my age. There
aren't any. (Milton Berle)
The trouble with life is, by
the time you can read a girl like a
book, your library card has
expired. (M. Berle)
From: joke-of-the-day.com on 3/20/2003
(S321b)
If evolution really works, how
come mothers only have
two hands? -- Milton Berle
From: igiggle on Date: 11/28/2005 (S462b
- school-supp)
A teacher was asked to fill
out a special quiestionnaire
for the state. One question
said, "Give two reasons for
entering the teaching profession."
The teacher wrote,
"July and August." --
Milton Berle
From: humorlist-digest V2 #282 on 98-12-01
I have my 87th birthday coming
up, and people ask me what
I'd most appreciate getting.
I tell them: a paternity
suit. -- George Burns
From: auntieg on 98-12-09
I was married by a judge. I
should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns
From: RFSlick on 8/25/2001 (S239)
And God said, "Let there be
Satan, so people don't blame
everything on me. And
let there be lawyers, so people
don't blame everything on Satan."
-- George Burns
From: pns on 11/25/2001 (S276c)
"I can remember when the air
was clean and sex was
dirty." -- George Burns
"Sex at age 90 is like trying
to shoot pool with a rope."
-- George Burns
From: LABLaughs.com on 5/27/2002 (S278b)
"Don't stay in bed, unless you
can make money in bed."
-- George Burns
(1896-1996)
From: joke@joke-of-the-day.com on 4/29/2003
(S327b)
You can't help getting older
but you don't have to
get old. -- George Burns
From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366)
The secret of a good sermon
is to have a good beginning and
a good ending; and have the
two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366)
It takes only one drink to get
me drunk. The trouble is,
I can't remember if it's the
thirteenth or the fourteenth.
-- George Burns
From: LABLaughsClean on 9/16/2004
(S398b)
"Happiness is having a large,
loving, caring, close-knit
family in another city."
-- George Burns (1896 - 1996)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 8/8/2005
(S447b)
"I'm at the age now where just
putting my cigar in its
holder is a thrill."
-- George Burns
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 8/11/2005
(S447b)
"This is the sixth book I've
written, which isn't bad
for a guy whos only read two."
-- George Burns
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 1/17/2006
(S469b)
"I'm very pleased to be here.
Let's face it, at my age
I'm very pleased to be anywhere."
-- George Burns
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 2/13/2006
(S474b)
"Acting is all about honesty.
If you can fake that,
you've got it made."
-- George Burns
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 3/29/2006
(S480b)
"I can't understand why I flunked
American history.
When I was a kid there was so
little of it."
-- George Burns
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 5/3/2006
(S484b)
"When I was a boy the Dead Sea
was only sick."
-- George Burns
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 6/24/2006
(S492b)
"Retirement at sixty-five is
ridiculous. When I was
sixty five I still had pimples."
-- George Burns
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 10/25/2006
(S509b)
"I look to the future because
that's where I'm going
to spend the rest of my life."
-- George Burns
"You know your getting old when
you stoop to tie your
shoelaces and then wonder if
there isn't something else
you can do as long as you are
already down there."
-- George Burns (in Quotes1)
From: grs on 98-04-05
They laughed at Joan of Arc,
but she went ahead and built
it anyway. -- G.Allen
From: igiggle on 5/7/2006 (S485b)
Smartness runs in my family.
When I went to school I
was so smart my teacher was
in my class for five years.
-- Gracie Allen
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 7/6/2006
(S493b)
"When I was born I was so surprised
I didn't talk for
a year and a half." --
Gracie Allen
Also see
.....'Gracie
Allen's Classic Recipe for Roast Beef' in Food_Etc2
| Subj:
Bill Cosby Quotations
From: RFSlick on 98-12-07
|
 |
Photo
from
Mr. B's Ticket Service |
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/12/2002
(S272c)
A word to the wise ain't necessary.
It's the stupid ones
who need the advice."
-- Bill Cosby
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/9/2002
(S306b)
Human beings are the only creatures
on earth that allow
their children to come back
home. -- Bill Cosby
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/2/2003 (S336b)
I don't know the key to success,
but the key to failure
is trying to please everybody.
-- Bill Cosby
From: igiggle on 8/27/2004 (S396b)
When I was a kid I never went
to school - I said I was sick
- but I always managed to get
better by 3:30. I'd run into
the kitchen, "Look Ma, a miracle
happened! I'm well! A
little angel came and sat on
my bed. She touched me with a
wand and said, "Go out and play."
-- Billy Cosby
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/19/2003 (S448b)
"You can turn painful situations
around through laughter.
If you can find humor in anything
- even poverty - you
can survive it." -- Bill
Cosby
From: igiggle on 8/27/2004 (S467b)
Trying to convince your wife
you're sticking to your diet?
Eat the whole cake; leftovers
will only prove you've been
snacking. -- Bill Cosby
From: LABLaughsClean on 3/7/2008 (S581b)
"Parents are not quite interested
in justice.
They are interested in quiet."
-- Bill Cosby
For more Cosby quotes see
.........'Bill
Cosby's Speech On May 17, 2004' in BLACKS2
.........'Cosby
On Mothers' in MOTHERS-SUPP
.........'Cosby
On Success' in THOUGHTS-LEARNED-SUPP
From: RFSlick on 98-12-09
If it weren't for electricity
we would all be watching
television by cndlelight
-- George Gobel
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/9/2001 (S241)
"If you should ever come across
a time bomb and there's
only a few seconds left, press
'Snooze'." -- Scott Magri
From: smiles on 4/6/99
Red meat is NOT bad for you.
Now blue-green meat,
THAT'S bad for you! --
Tommy Smothers
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #303 on 5/28/99
(S122)
I don't want to achieve immortality
through my work. I want
to achieve immortality through
not dying. -- Woody Allen
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/8/2001
(S223)
"Maybe there is no actual place
called hell. Maybe hell is
just having to listen to our
grandparents breathe through
their noses when they're eating
sandwiches." --Jim Carrey
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/20/2001
(S238)
"When I was little, my grandfather
used to make me stand
in a closet for five minutes
without moving. He said it
was elevator practice."
-- Steven Wright
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/6/2001 (S240)
"You can't have everything,
where would you put it?"
-- Steven Wright
From: LABLaughs.com on 5/10/2002 (S275c)
"Be nice to people on your way
up because you meet them on
your way down." -- Jimmy
Durante
From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366)
My wife has a slight impediment
in her speech.
Every now and then she stops
to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/7/2002 (S284b)
Life is about not knowing, having
to change, taking the
moment and making the best of
it, without knowing what's
going to happen next.
-- Gilda Radner
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/11/2002
(S293b)
Never raise your hands to your
kids. It leaves your
groin unprotected. --
Red Buttons
From: Puneet385@cs.com on 10/5/2002
(S296b)
A horse may be coaxed to drink,
but a pencil must be lead.
-- Stan Laurel
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/3/2002
(S305b)
The kind of humor I like is
the thing that makes me laugh
for five seconds and think for
ten minutes. -- William Davis
From: Joke-of-the-day.com on 2/3/2003
(S314b)
Health nuts are going to feel
stupid someday, lying
in hospitals dying of nothing.
-- Redd Foxx
 |
Subj:
Jack Benny Sound Clips (S381b, S624)
From: igiggle on 10/2004 Photo from Albie's Blog |
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/9/2002
(S297b)
My wife Mary and I have been
married for forty-seven years
and not once have we had an
argument serious enough to
consider divorce; murder, yes,
but divorce, never.
-- Jack Benny
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/26/2002
(S269c - comed-supp)
"When they asked Jack Benny
to do something for the
Actor's Orphanage - he shot
both his parents and moved in."
Bob Hope talking about Jack
Benny
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
 |
A fifth faceless Smiley from
Kurrus.Net |
