.
 
>>>
Subj:     Quotations By Comedians
                 (Includes 324 jokes and articles, 30 1037n,12,cf,wYT2a3,7)

          Click "Here" for Quotes-Commed-Supp
          Click "Here" for Quotes-Commed-Supp2
.


Cheshire Cat
from
Abdul's Animation Gallery
Includes the following:  You Bet Your Life w/Groucho Marx - 2 Videos (S870 in Supp2)
.........................Rodney Dangerfield On The Johnny Carson Show (S1013 - Sup2)
.........................George Carlin's "Stuff" Routine (S1008 in Supp2)
.........................Brainstorm With Arnold Schwarzenegger - Video (S962 - Sup2)
.........................Jack Benny and Mel Blanc - Video (S953 in Supp2)
.........................Kyle Kinane's Stand-Up - Video (S945 in Supp2)
.........................Jim Gaffigan's Standup Routine (S938 in Supp2)
.........................Amy G Plays The Kazoo - Video (S893 in Supp2)
.........................Jim Carrey - Lincoln Ads On SNL (S928 in Supp2)
.........................Huffington Post's Memoriam To Robin Williams (S917 - Supp2)
.........................Hari Kondabolu On Conan On 6/16/14 - Video (S912 in Supp2)
.........................Jonathan Winters "The Stick" - Video (S886 in Supp2)
.........................Late Night Joke Archive (S283 in Supp2)
.........................Smothers Brothers - 'I'm a Pilot' - Video (S885 in Supp2)
.........................Jonathan Winters,Robin Williams On Johnny Carson (S885-Sup2)
.........................Foster Brooks Tells A Funny Joke - Video (S877 in Supp2)
.........................Jerry Seinfeld Performs Stand-Up - Video (S858 in Supp2)
.........................Brad Zimmerman - My Son The Waiter - Video (S865 in Supp2)
.........................The Jovers - Video (S825d in Supp2)
.........................Bill Cosby Discusses Drugs - Video (S841 in Supp2)
.........................Mary Maxwell Gives A Funny Invocation Prayer-Vd(S820-Sup2)
.........................Jeff Dunham and Walter At Spark Of Insanity-Vid (S820-Sp2)
.........................Father Guido Sarducci's Life Is A Job - Video (S814-Supp2)
.........................'Joking Bad' With Jimmy Fallon - Video (S871 in Supp2)
.........................Abbott Teaches Costello On Computers (S63, S747 in Supp2)
.........................
.........................Bill Maher - Political Correctness - HBO (S961 in Supp)
.........................George Carlin - Seven Dirty Words (S801 in Supp)
.........................Mark Lowry Comedy Video!! (S811 in Supp)
.........................Comedian Dan Nainan - Video (S764 in Supp)
.........................Jerry Seinfeld On Men And Women - Video (S761 in Supp)
.........................John Pinette's "Goes Camping" Stand-Up - Video (S757-Supp)
.........................Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry Comedy Sketch-Video(S742-Supp)
.........................Rick Gutierrez: Prostate Exam - Video/Comedy (S738 - Supp)
.........................Tim Hawkins: Old Rock Star Songs - Video (S736 in Supp)
.........................Maz Jobrani, Iranian-American Comedian - Video (S711-Supp)
.........................Carol Burnett Show - Wrong Number - Video (S710 in Supp)
.........................Harpo/Chico Comic Piano Duet - Video (S700b in Supp)
.........................Hippieman On The Craig Ferguson Show - Video (S703 - Supp)
.........................Jerry Seinfeld - Stand Up Routine - Video (S694 in Supp)
.........................Robin Williams On Obama's Election - Video (S662 in Supp)
.........................The Copper Clapper Caper - Video (S485 in Supp)
.........................George Carlin's New Rules For 2008 (S580b in Supp)
.........................Jeff Dunham And Walter - Video (S535 in Supp)
.........................Red Skelton's Tip For A Happy Marriage!!! (S419 in Supp)
.........................Party In The Stomach - Video (S575 in Supp)
.........................Remembering Bob Hope (S371 in Supp)
.........................Mrs. Hughes' Comedy - Video (S570 in Supp)
.........................Andy Rooney Interview On 60 Minutes (S330 in Supp)
.........................More Andy Rooney (S317b in Supp)
.........................Johnny Carson and Dom deLuise (S627 in Supp)
.........................George Gobel On The Johnny Carson Show - Video (S629-Supp)
.........................
.........................Robin Williams On The Tonight Show w/Carson (S915)
.........................Anonymous Quote
.........................Louis C.K. - Awesome Possum - Video (S914)
.........................George Carlin's Thoughts (S238)
.........................Magazine Cover Talk w/Billy Crystal - Video (S1013)
.........................George Carlin's Old Stuff (S270d)
.........................More George Carlin (S349)
.........................I Am A BAD American By George Carlin (S227, S438)
.........................George Carlin's Perfect Life (S191, S564b)
.........................Quotes From Groucho Marx (S128)
..............................Jack Benny vs. Groucho 1955 - Video (S672b, S826)
..............................Duck Soup Movie - Mirror Scene - Video (S765)
..............................Harpo/Chico Comic Piano Duet - Video (S779)
.........................Who's Job Is It? (S624b, Similar to 'Who's on first')
.........................Rodney Dangerfield's Best One-Liners: (S69, S497c)
.........................In Memory: Henny Youngman (S84)
.........................Some Jewish Jokes from Henny Youngman (S75)
.........................Other Comedian Quotations
.............................."Osama Bin Laden" Song By Frank Skinner-Vid(S712-Supp)
..............................Jack Benny: Your Money Or Your Life - Audio(S704-Supp)
..............................Seinfeld: How To Respond To A Telemarketer-(S680-Supp)
..............................Patsy Cline Song/Comedy Video (S631b in Supp)
..............................Bill Maher's New Rules (S551 in Supp)
..............................More George Carlin #2 (S512c in Supp)
..............................Crazy World by Chris Rock (S323 in Supp)
..............................10 Funny Movie Quotes - Video (S709 in Supp)
..............................TEDx - John Cassidy's Talk On Kindness - Vid(S721-Sup)
..............................
..............................Dave Barry Articles
..............................Quote On Jokes
..............................Bill Cosby Quotations
..............................Jack Benny Sound Clips (S381b, S624)

Also see ASIAN-SUPP   - 'Comedian Gabriel Iglesias' - Video
         BALLS file   - 'Mr. Bean Is Kicked In The Balls' - Video
         BASEBALL file- '"Who's On First"'
.........BASEBALL-SUPP- '"Who's On First?", The Sequel' - Video
.........BATHROOM file- 'Dave Barry on Toilets'
         BLACKS1 file - 'Dave Chappelle Talks With Maya Angelou' - Video
......................- 'Redd Foxx On The Flip Wilson Show' - Video
         BLACKS2 file - 'Bill Cosby's Speech On May 17, 2004'
         BOXING file  - 'George Carlin On Muhammad Ali' - Video
         BREAST-SUPP  - 'Homemade Breast Implants' - Video
         CANADIAN file- 'Jim Carrey Explains Canada' - Video
         CATHOLIC     - 'Dave Allen On Being Catholic' - Video
         CHRISTMAS1   - 'Seinfeld's 'The Festivus' Skit' - Video
         CHRISTMAS-SUP- 'Red Skelton - The Littlest Christmas Tree' - Audio
         CHURCH-SUPP2 - 'Jeanne Robertson - Don't Go To Vegas w/o A Baptist' - Video
         COMPUTERS3   - 'Millennium Bug By Dave Barry'
         COWBOY file  - 'Will Rogers Quotations'
         DRINKING-SUPP- 'Robin Williams On Alcoholics' - Video
         DRINKINGBEER2- 'Norm Peterson, from the TV show Cheers!'
         ELDERLY3 file- 'Jeanne Robertson Humorist' - Video
......................- 'Age Is A Funny Thing' by George Carlin
         ENGLISH-SUPP - 'George Carlin On Euphemistic Language' - Video
         FOURTH_OF_JLY- 'Robin Williams As The American Flag' - Video
......................- 'Pledge Of Allegiance by Red Skelton' Video/Audio
         GOLF-SUPP    - 'Robin William Jokes About Golf'
         HONEYMOON-SUP- 'Chonda Pierce - The Honeymoon Package!' - Video
         ITALIAN file - 'Sebastian Maniscalco Stand-Up' - Video
......................- 'John Pinette On Eating In Italy' - Video
         JEWISH3 file - 'Bette Midler Pretty Legs And Soph Jokes' - Video
         KIDS1 file   - 'Michael McIntyre Talks About Kids' - Video
         MANNERS file - 'Fruitcake Lady' - Video
......................- 'Fruitcake Lady II' - Video
         MANNERS-SUPP - 'Fruitcake Lady III' - Video
         MARRIAGE5    - 'Red Skelton's Recipe For A Good Marriage'
.........MEN2 file    - 'Men In Coats' - Video
         MIDDLE EAST  - 'Jeff Dunham - Achmed The Dead Terroist'
         MOVIES_ETC   -  (W.C. Fields' quotes)
         MOVIES2 file - 'Johnny Carson As Ronald Reagan' - Video
         MOVIES2-SUPP - 'Bill Cosby On Late Night w/Jimmy Fallon' - Two Videos
......................- 'Carol Burnett - Funniest Moments' - 3 Videos
......................- 'The Cosby Show And The "Tacky Barrette"' - Video
......................- 'Michael Davis Comedian, Juggler, Musician' - Video
......................- 'Bill Cosby - You Bet Your Life' - Video
......................- 'Milton Berle Vs. Statler And Waldorf' - Video
......................- 'Duck Soup Movie - Mirror Scene' - Video w/Marx brothers
         MUSIC2 file  - 'Sid Caesar's Argument to Beethoven's 5th' - Video
......................- 'Harpo/Chico Comic Piano Duet' - Video
         NATIONAL2    - 'Peace Plan by Robin Williams'
         OTHER_OCCUP  - 'Steve Martin's "The Great Flydini" - Video
         OTH-OCCUP-SUP- 'Ventriloquist Nina Conti Live At The Apollo' - Video
......................- 'Two Jeff Dunham Bloopers' - Video
         PENIS1 file  - 'Buddy Hackett - Elephant Trunk Joke' - Video
         PHONE file   - 'Rooney's Tips For Telemarketers'
         POLIT-CLN-SC2- 'Clinton As A Black'
         POLIT-OBAMA  - 'Richard Pryor, 1st Black President' - Video
......................- 'Vocal Impersonator Steve Bridges' - Video
         POLIT-SUPP2  - 'Ronald Reagan - Cow Manure Joke' - Video
         PUSSY file   - 'Raquel Welch Visits The Tonight Show'
         QUOTES2 file - 'Steven Wright's Greatest'
.........SCHOOL1 file - 'Tonight Show "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?"'
         SEX-SUPP file- 'Robin Williams - Weapons Of Self Destruction' - Video
         SHIT file    - 'Shit Is A Powerful Word' by George Carlin
         SOLDIER-SUPP2- 'Bob Hope's Christmas w/Troops' - Video
         TENNIS file  - 'Tennis Racket Contortionist'
         THOUGHTS SLLY-  (Whole File)
         THOUGHTS TIME- 'The Paradox Of Our Time by George Carlin

============================================================Top
Subj:     Robin Williams On The Tonight Show w/Carson (S915)
          Published by Johnny Carson
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/Qr1DSLoHni0
.
.....
.
.....Robin Williams' first appearance on The Tonight Show Starring
.....Johnny Carson is so wacky that Robin has to calm himself down
.....and drink from Johnny's mug.  Click on the photograph to see
.....Robin Williams' crazy first appearance air on 10/14/1981.

Top
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/10/2001 (S254)

 Give me a sense of humor, Lord...
 Give me the grace to see a joke...
 To get some humor out of life...
 And pass it on to other folk."
   -- Anonymous

Top
Subj:     BLouis C.K. - Awesome Possum (S914d)
          Posted by AmmonRA.801
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/V5Z_ZducwbQ

 Comedian Louis CK does a stand-up act at the HBO special
 'Shameless'.  Click 'HERE' to see Louis CK do a six minute
 comedy routine.

Top
Subj:     George Carlin's Thoughts (S238)
          From: mombear1 8/21/2001

 (See 'Age Is A Funny Thing By Carlin' in Elderly3)

 Here are some George Carlin thoughts

  1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
     several times, does he become disoriented?

  2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't
     people from Holland called Holes?

  3. Why do we say something is out of whack?
     What's a whack?

  4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults
     enjoy adultery?

  5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

  6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

  7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts",
     and you put your two cents in, what happens to the
     other penny?

  8. Why is the man who invests all your money
     called a broker?

  9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
     It's just stale bread to begin with.

 10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

 11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist
     but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

 12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

 13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

 14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

 15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the
     English language.  Could it be that "I do" is the
     longest sentence?

 16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
     doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
     musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,
     tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

 17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it
     Fed UP?

 18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

 19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses
     of bald men?

 20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible
     a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on
     me . . . they're cramming for their final exam.

 21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
     little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese
     mothers use? Toothpicks?

 22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post
     Office?  What are we supposed to do, write to them?
     Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage
     stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they
     delivered the mail?

 23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then
     what exactly are the others here for?

 24. You never really learn to swear until
     you learn to drive.

 25. No one ever says, "It's only a game",
     when their team is winning.

 26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be
     if it didn't zigzag?

 27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
     The mime next door went nuts.

 28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Top
Subj:     Magazine Cover Talk w/Billy Crystal (S1013)
          Produced by Tonight Show w/Jimmy Fallon
          From: Tony Gerritsen on Facebook on 5/23/2016
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/t6aYl7AniYI
.
 Click 'HERE' to see Jimmy and Billy Crystal have a conversation
 using various magazine covers with celebrities on them.
.
Top
Subj:     George Carlin's Old Stuff (S270d)
          From: pns on 3/11/2002

  1) Never raise your hands to your kids.  It leaves
     your groin unprotected.
  2) I'm not into working out.  My philosophy: No pain;
     no pain.
  3) I am in shape. Round's a shape...
  4) I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze
     pilots wore helmets.
  5) Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect
     of alphabet soup?
  6) I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have
     been more specific.
  7) Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face
     he gets mad at you?  But when you take him in a car
     he sticks his head out the window.
  8) Have you ever noticed?  Anybody going slower than
     you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you
     is a maniac.
  9) You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother started
     walking five miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97
     today and we have no idea where she is.
 10) I have six locks on my door all in a row.  When I
     go out,I lock every other one. I figure no matter
     how long somebody stands there picking the locks,
     they are always locking three.
 11) The statistics on sanity are that one out of every
     four Americans is suffering from some form of mental
     illness.  Think of your three best friends.  If they
     are okay, then it's you.
 12) Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains,
     a pretty violent image there.  I think if you've got
     a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry
     isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid
     of the body before you do the wash.
 13) I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls.
     They always say because it's such a beautiful animal.
     There you go.  I think my mother in law is attractive,
     but I only have photographs of her.
 14) A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my
     suede jacket.  "You know a cow was murdered for that
     jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone,
     "I didn't know there were any witnesses.  Now I'll
     have to kill you too."
 15) Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald
     Ford Library, the James Carter Library, the Ronald
     Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Top
Subj:     More George Carlin (S349)
          From: KMacintyre on 9/29/2003

 Just a few thoughts from George Carlin.

 Can you cry under water?

 How important does a person have to be before they are
 considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

 If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

 Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?

 Once you're in heaven do you get stuck wearing the clothes
 you were buried in for eternity?

 Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

 What did 'cured' ham actually have?

 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it
 would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

 Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when
 babies wake up every two hours?

 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

 Why are you IN a movie, but ON TV?

 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put
 money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

 Why do we choose from just two people for President and
 fifty for Miss America?

 Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
 They're going to see you naked anyway.

 If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

 and finally...

 Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

From: humorlist-digest V2 #288 on 98-12-07
 "May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
   -- George Carlin

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/20/2001 (S230)
 "Most people work hard enough not to get fired and
 get paid just enough not to quit."  -- George Carlin

From: TAdams on 9/5/2001 (S240)
 "Men are from Earth.  Women are from Earth.
  Deal with it."  --- George Carlin

From: igiggle on 1/5/2005 (S414b)
 The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
   --  George Carlin

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 7/28/2005 (S445b)
 "Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression.
  That is what comics do, stand the world upside down."
    -- George Carlin

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 11/4/2005 (S457b)
 "People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they
  can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward:
  'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a
  poor sense of humor or being a bad driver."  -- George Carlin

Top
Subj:     I Am A BAD American By George Carlin (S227, S438)
          From: CHRISDADDYG on 5/17/2001
      and From: DoctorDebt on 6/21/2005
 
 I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.

 I am George Carlin.

 I believe the money I make belongs to me and
 my family, not some mid-level governmental
 functionary with a bad comb over who wants
 to give it away to crack addicts squirting
 out babies.

 I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.

 I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

 I don't think being a minority makes you
 noble or victimized.

 I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better
 do it in English.

 I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield
 for unpopular opinions or actions.

 I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

 I think that being a student doesn't give you any more
 enlightenment than working at Blockbuster.  In fact, if
 your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass
 through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be
 enlightened.

 I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God.

 My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled
 Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

 I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

 I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing
 about it.

 I think global warming is a big lie.  Where are all those
 experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

 I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander
 forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt,
 I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks
 and neither have you, so shut up already.

 I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend
 Jesse Jackson preaches.  And where does he get his money.
 And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.

 I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if
 you're running from them.

 I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you
 are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

 I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I
 don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful
 nation the world for the next four years.

 I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to
 sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to
 their cause.  These people should be targets.

 I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your
 license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride
 the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

 I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it
 takes two parents.

 I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but
 please don't pretend they are a political statement.

 I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how
 desperately the mainstream media would like the world to
 believe otherwise.

 I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and
 it is sex for both of you.  This even applies when you are
 President of the United States.

 If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

 If you too are a BAD American please forward this.

Top
Subj:     George Carlin's Perfect Life (S191, S564b)
          From: ICohen on 9/25/00
      and From: jokes on gomilpitas on 11/9/2007

 (Also see 'Reverse Life Cycle' in THOUGHTS-TIME)

 "The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
 I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
 What do you get at the end of it?  A death.  What's that,
 a bonus?  I think the life cycle is all backwards.  You
 should die first, get it out of the way.  Then you live
 in an old age home.  You get kicked out when you're too
 young, you get a gold watch and you go to work.

 You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy
 your retirement.  You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you
 get ready for high school.  You go to grade school, you
 become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities.

 You become a little baby, you go back into the womb,
 spend your last nine months floating. . . and you finish
 off as an orgasm.

Top
Subj:     Quotes From Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
          From: smiles on 7/8/99 (S128, S624b,cf,md4,2)
Photo from TV and Movie Trivia Tribute

 Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 Click 'HERE' to read fifty other wonderful Groucho quotes.

Top
Subj:     Who's Job Is It? (S624b, Similar to 'Who's on first')
          From: Yzmir's HUMOR LISTS Updated 5/22/1997

 This is a story about four people named
 Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
 There was an Important job to be done and
 Everybody was asked to do it.  Everybody
 was sure Somebody would do it.  Anybody could
 have done it, but Nobody did it.  Somebody
 got angry about that, because it was
 Everybody's job.  Everybody thought that
 Everybody wouldn't do it.  It ended up
 that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody
 did what Anybody could have done.

Top
Subj:     Rodney Dangerfield's Best One-Liners:
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #127 on 98-05-22
      and From: ICohen on 8/1/2006 (S69, S497c)
Drawing from 
MorningCoffee.WordPress.com

 Click 'HERE' to read lots of wonderful Rodney Dangerfield
 one-liners.

Top
Subj:     In Memory: Henny Youngman (S84)
          From:  RFSlick on 98-09-09

Photo from JPIC

 Click 'HERE' to read lots of wonderful Henny Youngman
 one-liners.

Top
Subj:     Other Comedian Quotations

Top

Subj:     Dave Barry Articles

Photo from Speakers.Stanford.edu

If you have never read Dave Barry's columns from

 the Miami Herald, you have missed a great treat.  Go to

 http://www.davebarry.com/misccol/misccol.htm

 to read  Vintage Columns from Dave over the last four years.

 Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald.  Write
 to him c/o Tropic Magazine, The Miami Herald, One Herald
 Plaza, Miami FL 33132.

 DAVE BARRY'S column appears most Sundays in 'The Way We Live'.
 Write him c/o Detroit Free Press, 600 W. Fort, Detroit MI 48226.
 

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 3/5/2006 (S477b)
 "You can only be young once. But you can always be immature."
    -- Dave Barry
 

 As I stumble upon old jokes by Dave Barry, I will list them here.
......'British Art' in ARTIST
......'Dave Barry on Baseball and Women' in BASEBALL
......'Dave Barry on Toilets' in BATHROOM
......'Dave Barry on Bathroom Soap' in BATHROOM-SUPP
......'College by  DAVE BARRY' in COLLEGE1
......'How to Install Software - A 12-Step Program' in COMPUTERS2
......'Millennium Bug By Dave Barry' in COMPUTERS3
......'E-Mail By Dave Barry' in COMPUTERS-SUPP
......'Dave Barry On Beauty' in DIFFERENCES1
......'Dave Barry On Relationships' in DIFFERENCES1
......'Dave Barry On Differences' in DIFFERENCES3
......'Dave Barry on Drinking' in DRINKING
......'Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal' in DOCTOR-SUPP
......'Dog Quote By Barry' in DOGS3
......'Better Education Would Outlaw Stupid Crooks' in FACTS5
......'Dace Barry on Cholesterol' in FAT
......'God's Messenger By Dave Barry' in GOD2
......'Dave Barry On Halloween' in HALLOWEEN
......'Dave Barry On Religion' in Religion
......'Changing Company Names' in JOB-STUFF
......'Econ 101: By DAVE BARRY' in JOB-STUFF-SUPP
......'18 Things I've Learned By Dave Barry' in LISTS
......'Dave Barry On Mothers' in MOTHERS-SUPP
......'Dave Barry On Forces' in SCIENCE2
......'Dave Barry on Karate' in OTHER-SPORTS
......'Taxes By Dave Barry' in TAXES
......'Tips For Not Hosting Thanksgiving Dinner Next Year' in THANKSGIVING
......'25 Things I Have Learned In 50 Years' in THOUGHTS-LEARNED1
 

Top
Subj:     Quote On Jokes
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #226 on 98-01-28
 Comedian Paul Rodriquez (of Mexican heritage, for you ethnically
 challenged) said recently on PBS Television (of all places) when
 asked if he was offended by humour with racial connotations?
 "Only if it isn't funny," was his astute and prescient reply!"

From: RFSlick on 98-12-06 (S268c)
 A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
   -- Milton Berle

From: dogbyte on 3/20/2002 (S268c)
 Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only
 interested in one thing," and you can't remember what it is.
   -- Milton Berle

From: humorlist-digest V2 #175 on 98-07-14
 I don't date women my age. There aren't any. (Milton Berle)

 The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a
 book, your library card has expired. (M. Berle)

From: joke-of-the-day.com on 3/20/2003 (S321b)
 If evolution really works, how come mothers only have
 two hands?  -- Milton Berle

From: igiggle on Date: 11/28/2005 (S462b - school-supp)
 A teacher was asked to fill out a special quiestionnaire
 for the state.  One question said, "Give two reasons for
 entering the teaching profession."  The teacher wrote,
 "July and August."  -- Milton Berle
 

From: humorlist-digest V2 #282 on 98-12-01
 I have my 87th birthday coming up, and people ask me what
 I'd most appreciate getting.  I tell them:  a paternity
 suit.  -- George Burns

From: auntieg on 98-12-09
 I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
   -- George Burns

From: RFSlick on 8/25/2001 (S239)
 And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame
 everything on me.  And let there be lawyers, so people
 don't blame everything on Satan."  -- George Burns

From: pns on 11/25/2001 (S276c)
 "I can remember when the air was clean and sex was
  dirty."  -- George Burns

 "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
    -- George Burns

From: LABLaughs.com on 5/27/2002 (S278b)
 "Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."
    -- George Burns (1896-1996)

From: joke@joke-of-the-day.com on 4/29/2003 (S327b)
 You can't help getting older but you don't have to
 get old.  -- George Burns

From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366)
 The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and
 a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.
   -- George Burns

From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366)
 It takes only one drink to get me drunk.  The trouble is,
 I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
   -- George Burns

From: LABLaughsClean on 9/16/2004 (S398b)
 "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit
  family in another city."  -- George Burns (1896 - 1996)

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 8/8/2005 (S447b)
 "I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its
  holder is a thrill." -- George Burns

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 8/11/2005 (S447b)
 "This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad
  for a guy whos only read two."  -- George Burns

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 1/17/2006 (S469b)
 "I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age
  I'm very pleased to be anywhere."  -- George Burns

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 2/13/2006 (S474b)
 "Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that,
  you've got it made."  -- George Burns

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 3/29/2006 (S480b)
 "I can't understand why I flunked American history.
 When I was a kid there was so little of it."
   -- George Burns

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 5/3/2006 (S484b)
 "When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."
    -- George Burns

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 6/24/2006 (S492b)
 "Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous.  When I was
  sixty five I still had pimples."  -- George Burns

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 10/25/2006 (S509b)
 "I look to the future because that's where I'm going
  to spend the rest of my life."  -- George Burns

 "You know your getting old when you stoop to tie your
  shoelaces and then wonder if there isn't something else
  you can do as long as you are already down there."
  --  George Burns (in Quotes1)
 

From: grs on 98-04-05
 They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went ahead and built
 it anyway.  --  G.Allen

From: igiggle on 5/7/2006 (S485b)
 Smartness runs in my family.  When I went to school I
 was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
   -- Gracie Allen

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 7/6/2006 (S493b)
 "When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for
  a year and a half."  -- Gracie Allen

Also see
.....'Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Roast Beef' in Food_Etc2

Top
Subj:     Bill Cosby Quotations

From: RFSlick on 98-12-07
 Any husband who says. "My wife and I are
 completely equal partners," is talking about
 either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
    -- Bill Cosby

Photo from
Mr. B's Ticket Service

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 4/12/2002 (S272c)
 A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones
 who need the advice."  -- Bill Cosby

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/9/2002 (S306b)
 Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow
 their children to come back home.  -- Bill Cosby

From: LABLaughs.com on 7/2/2003 (S336b)
 I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure
 is trying to please everybody.  -- Bill Cosby

From: igiggle on 8/27/2004 (S396b)
 When I was a kid I never went to school - I said I was sick
 - but I always managed to get better by 3:30.  I'd run into
 the kitchen, "Look Ma, a miracle happened!  I'm well!  A
 little angel came and sat on my bed.  She touched me with a
 wand and said, "Go out and play."  -- Billy Cosby

From: LABLaughs.com on 8/19/2003 (S448b)
 "You can turn painful situations around through laughter.
  If you can find humor in anything - even poverty - you
  can survive it."  -- Bill Cosby

From: igiggle on 8/27/2004 (S467b)
 Trying to convince your wife you're sticking to your diet?
 Eat the whole cake; leftovers will only prove you've been
 snacking.  -- Bill Cosby

From: LABLaughsClean on 3/7/2008 (S581b)
 "Parents are not quite interested in justice.
  They are interested in quiet."  -- Bill Cosby
 

For more Cosby quotes see
.........'Bill Cosby's Speech On May 17, 2004' in BLACKS2
.........'Cosby On Mothers' in MOTHERS-SUPP
.........'Cosby On Success' in THOUGHTS-LEARNED-SUPP
 

From: RFSlick on 98-12-09
 If it weren't for electricity we would all be watching
 television by cndlelight  -- George Gobel

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/9/2001 (S241)
 "If you should ever come across a time bomb and there's
 only a few seconds left, press 'Snooze'."  -- Scott Magri

From: smiles on 4/6/99
 Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat,
 THAT'S bad for you!  -- Tommy Smothers

From: Bawdy.Net Collage #303 on 5/28/99 (S122)
 I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want
 to achieve immortality through not dying.  -- Woody Allen

From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/8/2001 (S223)
 "Maybe there is no actual place called hell.  Maybe hell is
 just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through
 their noses when they're eating sandwiches." --Jim Carrey

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 8/20/2001 (S238)
 "When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand
 in a closet for five minutes without moving.  He said it
 was elevator practice."  -- Steven Wright

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/6/2001 (S240)
 "You can't have everything, where would you put it?"
    -- Steven Wright

From: LABLaughs.com on 5/10/2002 (S275c)
 "Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on
  your way down."  -- Jimmy Durante

From: Imogenelumen on 1/27/2004 (S366)
 My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
 Every now and then she stops to breathe.  -- Jimmy Durante

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/7/2002 (S284b)
 Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the
 moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's
 going to happen next.  -- Gilda Radner

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/11/2002 (S293b)
 Never raise your hands to your kids.  It leaves your
 groin unprotected.  -- Red Buttons

From: Puneet385@cs.com on 10/5/2002 (S296b)
 A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead.
   -- Stan Laurel

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/3/2002 (S305b)
 The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh
 for five seconds and think for ten minutes.  -- William Davis

From: Joke-of-the-day.com on 2/3/2003 (S314b)
 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying
 in hospitals dying of nothing.  -- Redd Foxx
 
 

Top
Subj:    Jack Benny Sound Clips (S381b, S624)
          From: igiggle on 10/2004
Photo from Albie's Blog
 Several clips from one of my favorite comedians on the
 Source: (Removed from soundamerica.com)
 This Internet address no longer exists, but Jack Benny's
 'Your Money Or Your Life' is in Quotes-Comed-Supp.
 

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/9/2002 (S297b)
 My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years
 and not once have we had an argument serious enough to
 consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
   -- Jack Benny

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/26/2002 (S269c - comed-supp)
 "When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the
 Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in."
 Bob Hope talking about Jack Benny

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