(Includes 283 jokes and articles, 12765,2,cf)
Book Worm Runs from
Joseph's Free Stuff
Pickles Comic Strip (S601c)
By Brian Crane
From: WashingtonPost on 7/16/2008
This Pickles comic strip discusses
a quotation by
Christopher Morley. You can read it by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: Other Quotes
From: Bawdy.Net II introduction on
"The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to
hold in higher regard those who think alike than those
who think differently." -- Nietzche
No law or ordinance is mightier
-- Plato, Laws
From NBC News on 7/6/00 (S179)
The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in
San Francisco. -- Mark Twain
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/23/2002 (S273c)
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over
the man who cannot read them. -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #59 on 98-03-09
BE GOOD AND YOU WILL BE LONELY... MARK TWAIN
"Reader, suppose you were an
idiot. And suppose you were
a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." -- Mark Twain
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/4/2002 (S283b)
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/16/2002
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do
the day after tomorrow." -- Mark Twain
YOU CAN'T GET AHEAD WHILE YOU'RE TRYING TO GET EVEN!
Be careful the toes you step
on today maybe be attached
to the butt you kiss tomorrow.
From: email@example.com on 98-04-05
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at
the stars. -- Oscar Wilde
From: humorlist-digest V2 #118 on 98-05-13
Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #148 on 98-06-15
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
From: Tom_Adams on 98-07-22
"The quality of our thinking will determine the quality
of our future." -- Edward de Bono
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #266 on 98-08-15
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #267 on 98-08-21
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity
to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #270 on 98-08-31
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over
and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #201 on 98-08-29
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if
you wish they were.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #215 on 98-09-12
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
From: smiles on 98-10-01
"To say of what is that it is not, or of what is not that it
is, is false; while to say of what is that it is, or of what
is not that it is not, is true." -- Aristotle, _Metaphysics_
"One only needs two tools in
life: WD-40 to make things go,
and duck tape to make them stop." -- G. Weilacher
From: RFSlick on 98-10-17
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that
it can't be blamed on somebody else.
From: LABLaughsClean on 4/20/2009 (S641b)
"A joke is a very serious thing."
-- Winston Churchill
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #274 on 98-12-25
"Men show their character in nothing more clearly
than by what they find laughable." -Anon
From: LABLaughsClean on 4/25/2005 (S430)
"A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the
joke he resents." -- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742 - 1799)
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/13/2005 (S437)
"Men show their characters in nothing more clearly than in
what they think laughable."
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)
From: LABLaughsClean on 3/23/2006 (S479)
"Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or
a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humor?"
-- Frank Moore Colby
From: LABLaughsClean on 10/13/2006
"He who laughs, lasts."
-- Mary Pettibone Poole
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 10/19/2006
"They say the seeds of what we will do are in all of us,
but it always seemed to me that in those who make jokes
in life the seeds are covered with better soil and with
a higher grade of manure. " -- Ernest Hemingway
From: LABLaughsClean on 10/25/2006
"A serious and good philosophical work could be written
consisting entirely of jokes." -- Ludwig Wittgenstein
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 11/12/2006
"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
-- Victor Borges
From: LABLaughsClean on 11/8/2006 (S512b)
"I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of
which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized
music in the world." -- Peter Ustinov
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 11/18/2006
"You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down
in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants."
-- Stephen King
From: mbucher on 99-02-03 (S106)
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right
thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the
wrong thing at the tempting moment.
From: a_fool on 5/18/99
I can never accomplish what I want, only what I
would have wanted had I thought of it before hand.
-- Richard Diebenkorn
He who fights with monsters should
look to it that
he himself does not become a monster.... When you
gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
From: TA989287 on 8/16/99 (S133)
A day without sunshine is like, --night!
From: TA989287 on 8/16/99 (S133)
That best portion of a good man's life; his little,
nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.
-- William Wordsworth (1770-1850, British Poet)
From: grs on 8/31/99 (S135)
Act as if the maxim of thy action were to
become by thy will a universal law of nature,
on which every other person would act. -- I. Kant
From: TA989287 on 09/11/1999 (S137)
Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
From: Anaise on 11/05/1999 (S145)
Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness
always pays off now.
The tallest blade of grass is
the first to be cut
by the lawnmower.
From: smiles on 11/22/1999 (S147)
a quote I just read:
Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
From: agrief on 12/09/1999 (S149)
You only lose if you refuse to get back up.
From: RFSlick on 01/29/2000 (S157)
Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
From: RFSlick on 02/14/2000 (S159)
"Work like you don't need the money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
Dance like nobody's watching"
From: octagon999 on 8/5/00 (S184)
If no one ever took risks, Michelangelo would have painted
on the Sistine floor. -- Neil Simon (1927-, American Playwright)
From: Newsweek, October 2,2000, Page
42 (S191 in schools3)
"By the time students graduate from high school, they've
spent a full year being taught by substitutes,...
From: TAdams on 11/16/2000 (S198)
"The people who vote decide nothing. The people who count
the vote decide everything." -- Josef Stalin.
(posthumous advisor to a certain un-named campaign)
From: TAdams on 1/24/2001 (S208)
There is no limit to what a man can do or where he can go,
if he doesn't mind who gets the credit.
-- Ronald R. Reagan
From: gheckman on 1/28/2001 (S209)
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -
to steal from many is research.
From: TAdams on 4/20/2001 (S221)
"We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready
in the night tovisit violence on those who would do us harm."
-- George Orwell
From: KMACINTY on 5/9/2001 (S223)
"YOU!!... off my planet!!!"
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/9/2001
"What's another word for thesaurus?" -- Steven Wright.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/29/2001
"I spilled spot remover on my dog-now he's gone."
-- Steven Wright
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/27/2001
"The chip on my shoulder's a little heavy. I have back
problems now." -- Janeane Garofalo
From: TAdams on 8/20/2001 (S238)
No lack of strategy cannot be overcome by good dice rolling.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/10/2001
"My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything
because I procrastinate." I said, "Just wait."
-- Judy Tenuta
From: dogbyte on 10/23/2001 (S247)
"Virtue" is the failure to achieve vice.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/15/2001
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others
whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde
From: dogbyte on 11/26/2001 (S252)
If you don't care where you are,
then you ain't lost.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/28/2001
"Here's a bonehead error that guys often commit in guest
bathrooms: They see soap on a soap dish, and they use it to
wash their hands. This of course ruins the guest soap, which
is defined as "soap that guests are not supposed to use."
Its purpose is to match the guest towels." -- Dave Barry
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/7/2002 (S271c)
"People demand freedom of speech to make up for the
freedom of thought which they avoid."
-- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 1/13/2002
"When you're moving your whole world becomes finding boxes.
You become obsessed. You could be at a funeral, everyone's
crying, you're looking at the casket. 'That's a nice box.
It even has handles.'" -- Jerry Seinfeld
From: LABLaughs.com on 10/10/2002 (S297b)
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
-- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
From: LABLaughs.com on 10/14/2002 (S298b)
Criticism is prejudice made plausible.
-- Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/7/2004 (S404b)
"I cannot believe that the inscrutable universe turns on an
axis of suffering; surely the strange beauty of the world
must somewhere rest on pure joy!" -- Louise Bogan
||From: Newsweek magazine
on Dec. 7,2009 (S673)
Photo from Heritge Channel
Subj: Quotes From Mike Bucher (S211)
From: mbucher on 2/14/2001
and From KPIG.com site
1. "Clinton lied. A man might
forget where he parks or where
he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad
it is." -- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
2. "Honesty is the key to a relationship.
If you can fake
that, you're in." -- Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")
3. (On going to war over religion)
"You're basically killing
each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
-- Yassir Arrafat (PLO leader)
4. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and
try not to die."
-- Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)
5. "There are only two reasons
to sit in the back row of an
airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet
people who do." -- Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)
Finding Joy Movie (S617b in Happiness)
From: darrellvip on 11/2/2008]
Animated GIF from MySpace-Dave Miller
This is a movie of beautiful
and impressive quotations about "Simple
secrets to a happy life." Click 'HERE' to
Subj: One-Liners From David Riberio (S151)
From: DVR on 12/20/1999
It is hard to understand how
a cemetery raised its burial cost
and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime
you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up
all the cars in the world end to
end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out
of 4 people make up 75% of the
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The things that come to those
that wait may be the things left
by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will
eat for a day. Teach a man to
fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
When you're swimming in the creek,
and an eel bites your cheek,
that's a moray!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
When you go into court you are
putting yourself in the hands
of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
Subj: Quotes From The Workplace (S166, S488b)
From: smiles on 04/05/2000
and From: LABLaughsClean on 5/30/2006
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert
Quotes" contest. They
were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-
life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top eleven
quotes from the Dilberts who inhabit our world ...
And the managers thus spoke:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees
will only be able to access the
building using individual security cards. Pictures will be
taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards
in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at
Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
2. "What I need is a list of
specific unknown problems we
will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used
to pass on information or data.
It should be used only for company business." (Accounting
manager, Electric Boat Company)
4 "This project is so important,
we can't let things that
are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing
manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse
for not meeting the schedule.
No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We
have been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a
few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
6. "My Boss spent the entire
weekend retyping a 25-page proposal
that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her
was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was
write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork
is a lot of people doing what
I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. My sister passed away and
her funeral was scheduled for
Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so
that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year.
He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He
said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD
9. "We know that communication
is a problem, but the company
is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching
supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. We recently received a memo
from senior management saying:
"This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding
the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
11. One day my Boss asked me
to submit a status report to him
concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow
would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I
would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business
manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
Subj: More Quotes From The Workplace (S286)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/23/2002
Quote from a recent meeting:
"We are going to continue
having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why
no work is getting done".
Quote from the Boss... "I didn't
say it was your fault.
I said I was going to blame it on you."
A motivational sign at work:
The beatings will continue
until morale improves.
A direct quote from the Boss:
"We passed over a lot of
good people to get the ones we hired."
My Boss frequently gets lost
in thought. That's because
it's unfamiliar territory.
My Boss said to me, "What you
see as a glass ceiling, I
see as a protective barrier.
My Boss needs a surge protector.
That way his mouth
would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.
I thought my Boss was an idiot,
and quit, to work for
myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least
I respect him.
He's given automobile accident
victims new hope for
recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary
tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
Some people climb the ladder
of success. My Boss
walked under it.
Quote from the Boss after overriding
the decision of
a task force he created to find a solution: "I'm sorry
if I ever gave you the impression your input would
have any effect on my decision for the outcome of
HR Manager to job candidate "I
see you've had no
computer training. Although that qualifies you for
upper management, it means you're under-qualified
for our entry level positions."
Quote from telephone inquiry
"We're only hiring one
summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing
candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter
finishes her summer classes.
Subj: Quotes On The Nature Of The Universe
Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the
Force. It has a light
side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe
and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire
universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others."
Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to `know' the
universe when it's hard enough to find your way
William J. Broad: "The crux... is that the vast majority of
the mass of the universe seems to be missing."
Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software
engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof
programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and
better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though
I don't know what it's a plan for."
Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."
Edward Chilton: "I'm worried that the universe will soon
need replacing. It's not holding a charge."
Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that
intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that
it has never tried to contact us."
Thanks to: Skye Ridley for this contribution
Subj: Debunking Famous Quotes (S329b)
From: FridaySilliness on 5/16/2003
Time to debunk some patently
And who are *They* anyway??
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ...
* "Everything Comes In Threes"
Not true. In reality,
everything comes in ones. Some-
times, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like
everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval
times, it was widely believed that everything came in
twenty-sixes. They were wrong too. It just took them
longer to recognize the pattern.
* "You Can't Take It With You (when you die)"
Well, that depends on what It
is. If it's your dark
blue suit, you can certainly take it with you. In fact,
not only can you take it with you, you can probably put
some things in your pockets.
* "You Learn Something New Every Day"
Actually, you learn something
old every day. Just
because you've just learned it, doesn't mean it's new.
Other people already knew it. Columbus is a good example
* "The Sky's The Limit"
Well, how can the sky be the
limit? The sky never ends.
What kind of a limit is that? The earth is the limit.
You dig a hole and what do you keep getting? More earth.
The earth is the limit.
* "You Get What You Pay For"
Clearly this is not true.
Have you been shopping recently?
Only a very naive person would believe that you get what
you pay for. In point of fact, if you check your purchases
carefully, you'll find that you get whatever they feel like
giving you. And if corporations get any more powerful, you
soon might not even get that.
* "Tomorrow Is Another Day"
Not necessarily true.
Today is another day. We have no
idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to
be another day, but we can't be sure. If it happens, I'll
be the first to say so. But you know what? By that time,
it will be today again.
* "You Can't Have Your Cake and Eat It Too"
Absurd. What good is having
a cake if you can't eat it?
I myself have eaten many a cake that I've first had. And
for that matter, how can you eat a cake that you *don't*
* "Nice Guys Finish Last"
Not true. Studies have
shown that, on average, nice guys
finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys
finish last. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely
believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can
see how limited those people were.
* "If You've Seen One, You've Seen Them All"
Do we even have to talk about
this one? This should be
obvious. If you've seen one, you've seen ... one. If
you've seen them all, *then* you've seen them all. I
don't even understand how this one got started.
* "Only the Good Die Young"
This isn't necessarily so.
Mother Theresa was very old
when she died, and she is almost a saint. So what is
this saying really trying to tell us? To live forever
you must be very very bad??? Was Mother Theresa really
Satan then??? I am confused!
Subj: Some Famous Quotes
from the Humor Box 03/18/97
From: Joke-of-the-Day-Mail.com on 12/4/2005
(S463b - political2)
"It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books
of quotations." -- Sir Winston Churchill
"Smoking kills. If you're
killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during
an interview to become spokesperson for a federal
"They gave me a book of checks.
They didn't ask for any
deposits." -- Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press
conference to answer questions about the House Bank Scandal.
"He didn't say that. He
was reading what was given to him
in a speech." -- Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining
why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge
that there would be no loss of wetlands.
"It depends on your definition
of asleep. They were not
stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated
at their desks with their heads in a nodding position."
-- John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News
Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory
Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant
operators were sleeping on the job.
"I didn't accept it. I
received it." -- Richard Allen,
National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining
the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two
Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private
interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.
"I was a pilot flying an airplane
and it just so happened
that where I was flying made what I was doing spying."
-- Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by
the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was
returned to the US.
"I was under medication when
I made the decision not to
burn the tapes." -- President Richard Nixon
"I've never had major knee surgery
on any other part of my
body." -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky
"Sure, it's going to kill a lot
of people, but they may be
dying of something else anyway." -- Othal Brand, member
of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane.
"Beginning in February 1976 your
assistance benefits will
be discontinued. Reason: it has been reported to our
office that you expired on January<br> 1, 1976."
-- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid
"In the early sixties, we were
strong, we were virulent..."
-- John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard
Nixon, in an early seventies speech, as reported in a
contemporary "American Scholar".
"Rotarians, be patriotic!
Learn to shoot yourself."
-- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator".
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia.
It's only the people
who make them unsafe." -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and
mayor of Philadelphia.
"I've always thought that underpopulated
Africa are vastly underpolluted." -- Lawrence Summers,
chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should
export toxic wastes to Third World countries.
"The crime bill passed by the
Senate would reinstate the
Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes:
assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and
murdering a government poultry inspector."
-- Knight Rider News Service dispatch
"After finding no qualified candidates
for the position of
principal, the school board is extremely pleased to
announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
-- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools,
Barrington Rhode Island.
From: humorlist-digest V1 #208 on 97-09-26
I'm not offended by all the dumb blond jokes because I
know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blond.
-- Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with
dumb women, but you
hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
-- Erica Jong
I want to have children, but
my friends scare me. One of
my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't
even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.
-- Rita Rudner
I figure that if the children
are alive when I get home,
I've done my job. -- Roseanne
My husband and I are either going
to buy a dog or have a
child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our
lives. -- Rita Rudner
I was on a date recently, and
the guy took me horseback
riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
-- Susie Loucks (S114)
This guy says, "I'm perfect for
you, 'cause I'm a cross
between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay
trucker?" -- Judy Tenuta
He tricked me into marrying him.
He told me he was pregnant
-- Carol Leifer
I've been on so many blind dates,
I should get a free dog.
-- Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone
to whom you have given birth.
-- Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful,
men would be wearing them.
-- Sue Grafton
I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -- Gilda Radner
I'm not going to vacuum 'til
Sears makes one you can ride on.
I would love to speak a foreign
language, but I can't. So I
grew hair under my arms instead. -- Sue Kolinsky
I look just like the girls next
door . . . if you happen to
live next door to an amusement park. -- Dolly Parton
I found out why cats drink out
of the toilet. My mother
told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like:
How did my mother know THAT? -- Wendy Liebman
I think - therefore I'm single -- Lizz Winstead
There is nothing more frightful
than ignorance in action.
From: smiles on 4/6/99
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther
with a smile and a gun. -- Al Capone
Subj: Quotes By Emo Phillips
From: Amy's Humor Archive on 06/27/97
Women: You can't live with them,
and you can't get them to
dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm
squash. -- Emo Phillips
The toughest time...in anyone's
life...is when you have to
kill a loved one just because they're the devil.
-- Emo Phillips
I ran three miles today, finally
I said "lady take your
purse." -- Emo Phillips
Some mornings it just doesn't
seem worth it to gnaw through
the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips
I was walking down the street,
something caught my eye...
and dragged it fifteen feet. -- Emo Phillips
The other day a woman came up
to me and said, "Didn't I see
you on television?"
I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."
-- Emo Phillips
Emo Phillips was pulled over
in Massachusetts for reckless
driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if
he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state
was. His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?"
I love to go down to the schoolyard
and watch all the little
children jump up and down and run around yelling and
screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.
-- Emo Phillips
I discovered my wife in bed with
another man, and I was
crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!" -- Emo Phillips
I was walking across a bridge
one day, and i saw a man
standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and
said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said,
"Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?"
I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or
Baptist Church of the Lord?"
He said, "Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god,
or are you reformed baptist church of god?"
He said, "Reformed baptist church of god!"
I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god,
reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god,
reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. -- Emo Phillips
The IRS sent back my tax return
saying I owed $800. I said
"If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return.
Given what you've been paying for things lately, that
should more than make up the difference." -- Emo Phillips
A friend of mine gave me a Philip
Glass record. I listened
to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on
it. -- Emo Phillips
[Note: Philip Glass's music is
pseudo classical-new age
stuff that repeats incessently. I'm serious. I listened
to a CD -- and the first 15 minutes was the same chord
progression on a tinkly type thing. Pretty boring.]
Subj: Quotes From Becky
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-04-09
Moved to 'Addemdum To Murphy's Law' in LAWS
Subj: Supermodel Quotes
Below are actual quotes from
some of today's hardest
working and best-known supermodels on various topics.
As you can see not everyone is cut out to be a supermodel.
ON COURAGE: "They were doing
a full back shot of me in a
swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave.
See, every woman hates herself from behind."
-- Cindy Crawford
ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE: "Everywhere
I went, my cleavage
followed. But I learned I am not my cleavage."
-- Carole Mallory
ON POVERTY: "Everyone should
have enough money to get
plastic surgery." -- Beverly Johnson
ON FATE: "I wish my butt did
not go sideways, but I guess
I have to face that." -- Christie Brinkley
ON PSYCHOLOGY: "I loved making
'Rising Sun'. I got into
the psychology of why she liked to get strangled and tied
up in plastic bags. It has to do with low self-worth."
-- Tatjana Patitz
ON ARRIVING: "Because modeling
is lucrative, I'm able to
save up and be more particular about the acting roles I
take." -- Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and
ON CAREER CHOICES: "My boyfriend
thinks I lost my true
calling to be a librarian." -- Paulina Porizkova
ON PRIORITIES: "I would rather
exercise than read a
newspaper." -- Kim Alexis
ON GEOPOLITICS: "Mick Jagger
and I just really liked each
other a lot. We talked all night. We had the same views
on nuclear disarmament." -- Jerry Hall
ON INNER STRENGTH: "I love the
confidence that makeup
gives me." -- Tyra Banks
ON DEATH: "Richard doesn't really
like me to kill bugs,
but sometimes I can't help it." -- Cindy Crawford
ON TRAVEL: "I haven't seen the
Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame,
the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really
care." -- Tyra Banks
ON BREAKTHROUGHS: "Once I got
past my anger toward my
mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling."
-- Gabrielle Reece
ON EPIPHANY: "I just found out
that I'm one inch taller
than I thought." -- Christie Brinkley
ON HEREDITY: "My husband was
just OK looking. I was in
labor and I said to him, 'What if she's ugly? You're
ugly." -- Beverly Johnson
ON THE BASICS: "It's very important
to have the right
clothing to exercise in. If you throwON an old T-shirt
or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."
-- Cheryl Tiegs
ON INTRODUCTIONS: "I think most
people are curious about
what it would be like to be able to meet yourself --
it's eerie." -- Christy Turlington
ON COURTSHIP: "The soundtrack
to 'Indecent Exposure' is
a romantic mix of music that I know most women love to
hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are nearby."
ON PARADOX: "Sometimes I get
lonely, but it's nice to be
alone ..." -- Tatjana Patitz
ON THE CONSERVATION OF MATTER:
"I've looked in the mirror
every day for 20 years. It's the same face."
-- Claudia Schiffer
ON TRAGEDY: "The worst was when
my skirt fell down to my
ankles -- but I had on thick tights underneath."
-- Naomi Campbell
ON INSTINCT: "If I'm making a
movie and get hungry, I call
time-out and eat some crackers." -- Carol Alt
ON THE CASTE SYSTEM: "We're not
Prince Charles and Princess
Di. We don't think of ourselves as royalty. We happen to
be working people." -- Christie Brinkley
ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS: "I tried
on 250 bathing suits in
one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down
my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all
over them." -- Cindy Crawford
ON ECONOMICS: "I don't wake up
for less than $10,000 a day."
-- Linda Evangelista
ON ZEN: "When I model I pretty
blank. You can't think too
much or it doesn't work." -- Paulina Porizkova
ON LOGIC: "I think, If my butt's
not too big for them to be
photographing it, then it shouldn't be too big for me."
-- Christy Turlington
ON BODY PARTS: "I don't know
what to do with my arms. It
just makes me feel weird and I feel like people are looking
at me and that makes me nervous." -- Tyra Banks
ON BODY LANGUAGE: "You can usually
tell when I'm happy by
the fact that I've gained weight." -- Christy Turlington
ON DEPRIVATION: "If they had
Nautilus on the Concorde, I
would work out all the time." -- Linda Evangelista
ON MOTIVATION: "It was kind of
boring for me to have to
eat. I would know that I had to, and I would." -- Kate Moss
ON VERSATILITY: "I can do anything
you want me to do so
long as I don't have to speak." -- Linda Evangelista
ON THE GRIEF PROCESS: "When my
Azzedine jacket from 1987
died, I wrapped it up in a box, attached a note saying
where it came from and took it to the Salvation Army. It
was a big loss." -- Veronica Webb
ON VENGEANCE: "Girls are always
getting mad at each other
and they tell their hairdresser to purposely mess up another
girl's hair." -- Tasha
ON BATTING .667: "I'm a pretty
girl who's a model who doesn't
suck as an actress." -- Cameron Diaz
"Smoking kills. If you're killed,
you've lost a very
important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an
interview to become spokeswoman for a federal anti-smoking
Subj: Great Quotes For People Who Won't Consider The Internet
"Computers in the future may
weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
-- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march
of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market
for maybe five computers."
-- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and
breadth of this country and
talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data
processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
-- The editor in charge of business books
for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?"
commenting on the microchip.
-- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems
Division of IBM, 1968,
"There is no reason anyone would
want a computer in their
home." 1977 quote -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and
founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,
"This 'telephone' has too many
shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is
inherently of no value to us."
-- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no
imaginable commercial value.
Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
-- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings
for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and
well-formed, but in order
to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
-- A Yale University management professor in response to
Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery
service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors
-- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark
Gable who's falling on his
face and not Gary Cooper." -- Gary Cooper on his decision
not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea.
Besides, the market research
reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and
chewy cookies like you make."
-- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of
starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and
guitar music is on the way
out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines
-- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I
wouldn't have done the
experiment. The literature was full of examples that said
you can't do this." -- Spencer Silver on the work that led
to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said,
'Hey, we've got this amazing
thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you
think about funding us? Or we' ll give it to you. We just
want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.'
And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard,
and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got
through college yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc. founder
Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in
his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"You want to have consistent
and uniform muscle development
across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a
fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle
development as an unalterable condition of weight training."
-- Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable"
problem by inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean
drill into the ground to try and
find oil? You're crazy." -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake
tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks
like a permanently high
plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale
"Airplanes are interesting toys
but of no military value."
-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented
has been invented."
-- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs
is ridiculous fiction".
-- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at
"The abdomen, the chest, and
the brain will forever be
shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
-- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon,
appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
Subj: Quotes About Computer Programming
If a programmer is found to be
indispensable, the best
thing to do is to get rid of him as quickly as possible.
-- The Psychology of Computer Programming,
Gerald M. Weinberg, (Van Nostrand Reinhold Co., 1971)
Some years ago, when COBOL was
the great white programming
hope, one heard much talk of the possibility of executives
being able to read programs.. nobody can seriously have
believed [this]... even programmers do not read programs.
-- Weinberg, p.5
Asking for efficiency and adaptibility
in the same program
is like asking for a beautiful and modest wife... we'll
probably have to settle for one or the other.
-- Weinberg, p.31
To detect errors,
the programmer must have a conniving
mind, one that delights in uncovering flaws where beauty and
perfection were once thought to lie.
-- Weinberg, p.136
For locating errors, however,
we want a person who has the
persistence of a mother-in-law and the collecting instincts
of a pack rat. -- Weinberg, p.136
Another effect [of not having
a spoken form] is the
difficulty with which we can talk about a programming
language without a blackboard or pencil and paper. Every
programming office should have a blackboard, chalk, and
many erasers. -- Weinberg, p.207
'Programming' - like 'loving'
- is a single word that
encompasses an infinitude of activities. -- Weinberg, p.121
The expert is a person who avoids
the small errors as he
sweeps on to the grand fallacy. -- Anonymous
The nature of programming being
what it is, there is no
relationship between the 'size' of the error and the problems
it causes. -- Weinberg, p.247
Documentation is the castor oil
of programming... the
managers know it must be good because programmers hate it
so much. -- Weinberg, p.262
The human mind ordinarily operates
at only ten per cent of
its capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system.
We stand at the brink of a new
age, an age made possible by
the revolution that is embodied in the computer. Standing
on the brink, we could totter either way - to a golden age
of liberty or a dark age of tyranny, either of which would
surpass anything the world has ever known. Perhaps no
individual's efforts will make any difference in the result,
but we must never cease trying, for then the result is sure
to be tyranny. -- Weinberg, p.279
He'll sit here and he'll
say, 'Do this! Do that!' And
nothing will happen. -- Harry S. Truman
Never go to sea with two chronometers;
take one or three.
I know it. I know what
needs to be done - but every time I
try to tackle a technical problem some bloody fool wants me
to make a decision about trucks - or telephones - or some
damn thing. -- Robert Heinlein, The Man Who Sold the Moon
I don't know any reason why we
couldn't do it, but maybe
we can think of one. -- Mark C. Davison
The user does not know what he
wants until he sees what he
gets. -- Ed Yourdon
It is impossible to make anything
foolproof because fools
are so ingenious. -- Edsel Murphy, dec.
"Beware the fury of a patient man" -- John Dryden
"Kids in the front of cars cause
Accidents in the back of cars cause kids!"
From: Yzmir's HUMOR LISTS Updated 5/22/1997
Blessed are the Deaf for they cannot hear the Dumb.
... when you're up to your ass
in alligators, it is
difficult to remind yourself that your initial objective
was to drain the swamp.
Subj: Quotes About Apple computers
From: BawdyNet test part 3! on 98-03-01
"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits, the rebels, the
troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes, the
ones who see things differently. They're not fond of
rules and they have no respect for the status quo. You
can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because
they change things, they push the human race forward. And
while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius,
because the people who are crazy enough to think they can
change the world, are the ones who do."
-- Apple commercial "Think Different"
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #168 &
"I view the Apple tragicomedy not as a war of operating
systems but as a fascinating case study in the potentially
fatal alchemy of arrogance, bad marketing, ingenious
product development, loyal customers and abysmal public
relations." -- Paul Furiga, editor, Pittsburgh Business Times
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #172
What's the difference between Apple and the Boy Scouts of
America? The Boy Scouts have adequate adult supervision.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #173
"Despite the cute recycle can and other Mac-like features,
Windows 95 is still an inelegant pretender to the invitingly
simple Mac operating system."
-- Paul Furiga, editor, Pittsburgh Business Times
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #174
"The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in
shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of
technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it
was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led
them into it in the first place."
-- Douglas Adams, on Windows '95.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #181
If you're having problems with your computer, check the
upper left corner of your screen. If there isn't an Apple
there, that's your problem.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #191
"It would not be an exaggeration to describe the history
of the computer industry for the past decade as a massive
effort to keep up with Apple. In 1984, critics derided
the Mac for its appliance-like simplicity, but it went on
to pioneer or popularize almost every innovation in personal
computing: the GUI, desktop publishing, built-in networking,
plug and play, integrated multimedia..."
-- BYTE Magazine, December 1994
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #192
"It would also not be an exaggeration to describe the history
of the computer industry for the past decade as a massive
effort by Apple to keep ripping off the unknowing public with
an over-priced, under-supported, non-standard computing
system in a vain attempt to keep from quietly going into
that dark night."
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #195
"Don't get me started on Windows 95, which, as they say,
has the look and feel of Macintosh 84. It's no coincidence
the Macintosh is the platform of choice for artists of all
kinds, while every pencil-pushing fluorescent-lit drudge
in the world hunches over a PC." -- Keir Serris
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #230 ON 98-02-14
"The Macintosh may only have 10% of the market, but it is
clearly the top 10%." -- Douglas Adams, 1996 WWDC.
From: Contra Costa Times, Business
page C1 on 9/11/2011 (S765)
"Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.
They somehow always know what you truly want to become."
-- Steve Jobs
Subj: Quotes Not About Apple Computers
From: Anaise on 98-02-10
Imagine the disincentive to software development if after
months of work another company could come along and copy
your work and market it under its own name... without legal
restraints to such copying, companies like Apple could not
afford to advance the state of the art"
-- Bill Gates, 1983 (New York Times, 25 Sep 1983, p. F2)
From Bawdy.Net Collage #81
In formal protest to the Communications Decency Ammendment
of the Telecommunications Act signed into US law on Feb. 8,
all my electronic communication will now include George
Carlin's original "Seven Words You Can't Say On Television":
shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker and tits.
From Bawdy.Net Collage #176
"Hunting for porn on the Internet combines the best of art
photography (picture's of people private parts) with the
excitement of video games (hunt...click...hunt....click...
click...dirty pictures...Score!)." -- Dan Savage
From Bawdy.Net Collage #179
Life's a bitch, and then she fucks you for your money.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #192
"Scientists estimate that by the end of this century, via
the means of Virtual Reality, a man will be able to simulate
making love to any women he wants to through his television
set. You know, folks, the day an unemployed ironworker can
lay in his Barc-a-lounger with a Fosters in one hand and a
channel flicker in the other and fuck Claudia Schiffer for
$19.95, it's gonna make crack look like Sanka, all right?!"
-- Dennis Miller
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #196
"We have put forth a great deal of effort to ensure the
offensiveness of at least one of the preceeding jokes. If
you were not offended, we sincerely apologize."
From: humorlist-digest V1 #238 on 97-11-02
"Do men feel some erogenous zones are misunderstood? Yes.
"Balls have always been treated like unwelcome country
cousins. You recognize them when they show up at the door,
but you're not happy to see them, because you have no idea
how to keep them entertained." From Sex Tips for Straight
Women from a Gay Man by Dan Anderson and Maggie Berman.
From: Bawdy.Net Bah! Humbug! Collage
on Date: 97-12-25
"We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a
million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire
works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we
know this is not true." -- Professor Robert Silensky of
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #259 on 98-07-14
That gentlemen prefer blondes is due to the fact that,
apparently, pale hair, delicate skin and an infantile
expression represent the very apex of frailty which every
man longs to violate. -- Alexander King
|A third faceless Smiley from