Subj: Quotations3
(Includes 283 jokes and articles, 12765,2,cf)
Book Worm Runs from
Joseph's Free Stuff
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Subj: Quotations3 (Includes 283 jokes and articles, 12765,2,cf) |
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Book Worm Runs from Joseph's Free Stuff |
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| Subj:
Pickles Comic Strip (S601c)
By Brian Crane From: WashingtonPost on 7/16/2008 |
 |
This Pickles comic strip discusses
a quotation by
Christopher Morley. You
can read it by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Other
Quotes
From: Bawdy.Net II introduction on
98-02-08
"The surest way to corrupt a
youth is to instruct him to
hold in higher regard those
who think alike than those
who think differently."
-- Nietzche
No law or ordinance is mightier
than understanding.
-- Plato, Laws
From NBC News on 7/6/00 (S179)
The coldest winter I ever spent
was a summer in
San Francisco. -- Mark
Twain
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/23/2002 (S273c)
The man who does not read good
books has no advantage over
the man who cannot read them.
-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #59 on 98-03-09
BE GOOD AND YOU WILL BE LONELY...
MARK TWAIN
"Reader, suppose you were an
idiot. And suppose you were
a member of Congress. But I
repeat myself." -- Mark Twain
From: LABLaughs.com on 7/4/2002 (S283b)
Few things are harder to put
up with than a good example.
-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/16/2002
(S285b)
"Never put off until tomorrow
what you can do
the day after tomorrow."
-- Mark Twain
YOU CAN'T GET AHEAD WHILE YOU'RE TRYING TO GET EVEN!
Be careful the toes you step
on today maybe be attached
to the butt you kiss tomorrow.
From: grs@aa.net on 98-04-05
We are all in the gutter, but
some of us are looking at
the stars. -- Oscar
Wilde
From: humorlist-digest V2 #118 on 98-05-13
Don't take life so seriously
... it's not permanent.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #148 on 98-06-15
Monday is an awful way to spend
1/7th of your life.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
From: Tom_Adams on 98-07-22
"The quality of our thinking
will determine the quality
of our future." --
Edward de Bono
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #266 on 98-08-15
If you ain't makin' waves, you
ain't kickin' hard enough!
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #267 on 98-08-21
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol,
violence, or insanity
to anyone, but they've always
worked for me.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #270 on 98-08-31
The quickest way to double your
money is to fold it over
and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #201 on 98-08-29
Hospitality is making your guests
feel at home, even if
you wish they were.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #215 on 98-09-12
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
From: smiles on 98-10-01
"To say of what is that it is
not, or of what is not that it
is, is false; while to say of
what is that it is, or of what
is not that it is not, is true."
-- Aristotle, _Metaphysics_
"One only needs two tools in
life: WD-40 to make things go,
and duck tape to make them stop."
-- G. Weilacher
From: RFSlick on 98-10-17
I believe no problem is so large
or so difficult that
it can't be blamed on somebody
else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From: LABLaughsClean on 4/20/2009 (S641b)
"A joke is a very serious thing."
-- Winston Churchill
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #274 on 98-12-25
(S100)
"Men show their character in
nothing more clearly
than by what they find laughable."
-Anon
From: LABLaughsClean on 4/25/2005 (S430)
"A person reveals his character
by nothing so clearly as the
joke he resents." -- Georg
Christoph Lichtenberg (1742 - 1799)
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/13/2005 (S437)
"Men show their characters in
nothing more clearly than in
what they think laughable."
-- Johann Wolfgang von
Goethe (1749 - 1832)
From: LABLaughsClean on 3/23/2006 (S479)
"Men will confess to treason,
murder, arson, false teeth, or
a wig. How many of them
will own up to a lack of humor?"
-- Frank Moore
Colby
From: LABLaughsClean on 10/13/2006
(S508b)
"He who laughs, lasts."
-- Mary Pettibone
Poole
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 10/19/2006
(S508b)
"They say the seeds of what
we will do are in all of us,
but it always seemed to me that
in those who make jokes
in life the seeds are covered
with better soil and with
a higher grade of manure. "
-- Ernest Hemingway
From: LABLaughsClean on 10/25/2006
(S510b)
"A serious and good philosophical
work could be written
consisting entirely of jokes."
-- Ludwig Wittgenstein
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 11/12/2006
(S511b)
"Laughter is the closest distance
between two people."
-- Victor Borges
From: LABLaughsClean on 11/8/2006 (S512b)
"I was irrevocably betrothed
to laughter, the sound of
which has always seemed to
me to be the most civilized
music in the world."
-- Peter Ustinov
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 11/18/2006
(S513b)
"You can't deny laughter; when
it comes, it plops down
in your favorite chair and stays
as long as it wants."
-- Stephen King
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From: mbucher on 99-02-03 (S106)
The real art of conversation
is not only to say the right
thing in the right place, but
also to leave unsaid the
wrong thing at the tempting
moment.
From: a_fool on 5/18/99
I can never accomplish what
I want, only what I
would have wanted had I thought
of it before hand.
-- Richard Diebenkorn
He who fights with monsters should
look to it that
he himself does not become a
monster.... When you
gaze long into the abyss, the
abyss also gazes into you.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
From: TA989287 on 8/16/99 (S133)
A day without sunshine is like,
--night!
From: TA989287 on 8/16/99 (S133)
That best portion of a good
man's life; his little,
nameless, unremembered acts
of kindness and love.
-- William Wordsworth
(1770-1850, British Poet)
From: grs on 8/31/99 (S135)
Act as if the maxim of thy
action were to
become by thy will a universal
law of nature,
on which every other person
would act. -- I. Kant
From: TA989287 on 09/11/1999 (S137)
Friends may come and go but
enemies accumulate.
One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
From: Anaise on 11/05/1999 (S145)
Hard work often pays off after
time, but laziness
always pays off now.
The tallest blade of grass is
the first to be cut
by the lawnmower.
From: smiles on 11/22/1999 (S147)
a quote I just read:
Just because I have a
short attention span doesn't mean I
From: agrief on 12/09/1999 (S149)
You only lose if you refuse
to get back up.
From: RFSlick on 01/29/2000 (S157)
Nothing is fool-proof to a talented
fool.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
From: RFSlick on 02/14/2000 (S159)
"Work like you don't need the
money,
Love like you've never been
hurt,
Dance like nobody's watching"
From: octagon999 on 8/5/00 (S184)
If no one ever took risks, Michelangelo
would have painted
on the Sistine floor.
-- Neil Simon (1927-, American Playwright)
From: Newsweek, October 2,2000, Page
42 (S191 in schools3)
"By the time students graduate
from high school, they've
spent a full year being taught
by substitutes,...
From: TAdams on 11/16/2000 (S198)
"The people who vote decide
nothing. The people who count
the vote decide everything."
-- Josef Stalin.
(posthumous advisor to a certain
un-named campaign)
From: TAdams on 1/24/2001 (S208)
There is no limit to what a
man can do or where he can go,
if he doesn't mind who gets
the credit.
-- Ronald R. Reagan
From: gheckman on 1/28/2001 (S209)
To steal ideas from one person
is plagiarism -
to steal from many is
research.
From: TAdams on 4/20/2001 (S221)
"We sleep safe in our beds because
rough men stand ready
in the night tovisit violence
on those who would do us harm."
-- George Orwell
From: KMACINTY on 5/9/2001 (S223)
"YOU!!... off my planet!!!"
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/9/2001
(S224)
"What's another word for thesaurus?"
-- Steven Wright.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/29/2001
(S227, S231)
"I spilled spot remover on my
dog-now he's gone."
-- Steven Wright
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 6/27/2001
(S231)
"The chip on my shoulder's a
little heavy. I have back
problems now." -- Janeane
Garofalo
From: TAdams on 8/20/2001 (S238)
No lack of strategy cannot be
overcome by good dice rolling.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/10/2001
(S245)
"My mother always told me I
wouldn't amount to anything
because I procrastinate." I
said, "Just wait."
-- Judy Tenuta
From: dogbyte on 10/23/2001 (S247)
"Virtue" is the failure to achieve
vice.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/15/2001
(S250)
"Some cause happiness wherever
they go; others
whenever they go." --
Oscar Wilde
From: dogbyte on 11/26/2001 (S252)
If you don't care where you
are,
then you ain't lost.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 11/28/2001
(S253)
"Here's a bonehead error that
guys often commit in guest
bathrooms: They see soap on
a soap dish, and they use it to
wash their hands. This of course
ruins the guest soap, which
is defined as "soap that guests
are not supposed to use."
Its purpose is to match the
guest towels." -- Dave Barry
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/7/2002 (S271c)
"People demand freedom of speech
to make up for the
freedom of thought which they
avoid."
-- Soren Aabye
Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 1/13/2002
(S275c)
"When you're moving your whole
world becomes finding boxes.
You become obsessed. You could
be at a funeral, everyone's
crying, you're looking at the
casket. 'That's a nice box.
It even has handles.'"
-- Jerry Seinfeld
From: LABLaughs.com on 10/10/2002 (S297b)
Egotist: a person more interested
in himself than in me.
-- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
From: LABLaughs.com on 10/14/2002 (S298b)
Criticism is prejudice made
plausible.
-- Henry Louis Mencken
(1880-1956)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/7/2004 (S404b)
"I cannot believe that the inscrutable
universe turns on an
axis of suffering; surely the
strange beauty of the world
must somewhere rest on pure
joy!" -- Louise Bogan
 |
From: Newsweek magazine
on Dec. 7,2009 (S673) Photo from Heritge Channel |
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Subj: Quotes
From Mike Bucher (S211)
From: mbucher on 2/14/2001
and
From KPIG.com site
1. "Clinton lied. A man might
forget where he parks or where
he lives, but he
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad
it is." --
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
2. "Honesty is the key to a relationship.
If you can fake
that, you're in."
-- Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")
3. (On going to war over religion)
"You're basically killing
each other to see
who's got the better imaginary friend."
--
Yassir Arrafat (PLO leader)
4. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and
try not to die."
--
Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)
5. "There are only two reasons
to sit in the back row of an
airplane: Either
you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet
people who do."
-- Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)
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 |
Subj:
Finding Joy Movie (S617b in Happiness)
From: darrellvip on 11/2/2008] Source: http://www.thejoymovie.com/ Animated GIF from MySpace-Dave Miller |
This is a movie of beautiful
still pictures
and impressive quotations about
"Simple
secrets to a happy life."
Click 'HERE' to
view it.
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Subj: One-Liners
From David Riberio (S151)
From: DVR on 12/20/1999
It is hard to understand how
a cemetery raised its burial cost
and blamed it on
the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime
you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up
all the cars in the world end to
end, someone would
be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out
of 4 people make up 75% of the
world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The things that come to those
that wait may be the things left
by those who got
there first.
Give a man a fish and he will
eat for a day. Teach a man to
fish and he will
sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
When you're swimming in the creek,
and an eel bites your cheek,
that's a
moray!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
When you go into court you are
putting yourself in the hands
of 12 people that
weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear
bright until you
hear them speak.
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Subj: Quotes
From The Workplace (S166, S488b)
From: smiles on 04/05/2000
and
From: LABLaughsClean on 5/30/2006
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert
Quotes" contest. They
were looking for people to submit
quotes from their real-
life Dilbert-type managers.
These were voted the top eleven
quotes from the Dilberts who
inhabit our world ...
And the managers thus spoke:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees
will only be able to access the
building using individual security
cards. Pictures will be
taken next Wednesday and employees
will receive their cards
in two weeks." (This was the
winning quote from Fred Dales at
Microsoft Corp. in Redmond,
WA.)
2. "What I need is a list of
specific unknown problems we
will encounter." (Lykes Lines
Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used
to pass on information or data.
It should be used only for company
business." (Accounting
manager, Electric Boat Company)
4 "This project is so important,
we can't let things that
are more important interfere
with it." (Advertising/Marketing
manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse
for not meeting the schedule.
No one will believe you solved
this problem in one day! We
have been working on it for
months. Now, go act busy for a
few weeks and I'll let you know
when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota
Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
6. "My Boss spent the entire
weekend retyping a 25-page proposal
that only needed corrections.
She claims the disk I gave her
was damaged and she couldn't
edit it. The disk I gave her was
write-protected." (CIO of Dell
Computers)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork
is a lot of people doing what
I say." (Marketing executive,
Citrix Corporation)
8. My sister passed away and
her funeral was scheduled for
Monday. When I told my
Boss, he said she died on purpose so
that I would have to miss work
on the busiest day of the year.
He then asked if we could change
her burial to Friday. He
said, "That would be better
for me." (Shipping executive, FTD
Florists)
9. "We know that communication
is a problem, but the company
is not going to discuss it with
the employees." (Switching
supervisor, AT&T Long Lines
Division)
10. We recently received a memo
from senior management saying:
"This is to inform you that
a memo will be issued today regarding
the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft,
Legal Affairs Division)
11. One day my Boss asked me
to submit a status report to him
concerning a project I was working
on. I asked him if tomorrow
would be soon enough.
He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I
would have waited until tomorrow
to ask for it!" (New business
manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
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Subj: More
Quotes From The Workplace (S286)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/23/2002
Quote from a recent meeting:
"We are going to continue
having these meetings, everyday,
until I find out why
no work is getting done".
Quote from the Boss... "I didn't
say it was your fault.
I said I was going to blame
it on you."
A motivational sign at work:
The beatings will continue
until morale improves.
A direct quote from the Boss:
"We passed over a lot of
good people to get the ones
we hired."
My Boss frequently gets lost
in thought. That's because
it's unfamiliar territory.
My Boss said to me, "What you
see as a glass ceiling, I
see as a protective barrier.
My Boss needs a surge protector.
That way his mouth
would be buffered from surprise
spikes in his brain.
I thought my Boss was an idiot,
and quit, to work for
myself. My new Boss is
an idiot, too ... but at least
I respect him.
He's given automobile accident
victims new hope for
recovery. He walks, talks
and performs rudimentary
tasks, all without the benefit
of a SPINE.
Some people climb the ladder
of success. My Boss
walked under it.
Quote from the Boss after overriding
the decision of
a task force he created to find
a solution: "I'm sorry
if I ever gave you the impression
your input would
have any effect on my decision
for the outcome of
this project!"
HR Manager to job candidate "I
see you've had no
computer training. Although
that qualifies you for
upper management, it means you're
under-qualified
for our entry level positions."
Quote from telephone inquiry
"We're only hiring one
summer intern this year and
we won't start interviewing
candidates for that position
until the Boss' daughter
finishes her summer classes.
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Subj: Quotes
On The Nature Of The Universe
Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the
Force. It has a light
side, a dark side, and
it holds the universe together...."
Albert Einstein: "Only two things
are infinite, the universe
and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former."
John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to
remember that the entire
universe, with one trifling
exception, is composed of others."
Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people
who want to `know' the
universe when it's hard
enough to find your way
around Chinatown."
William J. Broad: "The crux... is
that the vast majority of
the mass of the universe
seems to be missing."
Rich Cook: "Programming today is a
race between software
engineers striving to
build bigger and better idiot-proof
programs, and the Universe
trying to produce bigger and
better idiots. So far,
the Universe is winning."
Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan
in the universe, though
I don't know what it's
a plan for."
Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility
in an impossible universe."
Edward Chilton: "I'm worried that
the universe will soon
need replacing. It's
not holding a charge."
Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson):
"The surest sign that
intelligent life exists
elsewhere in the universe is that
it has never tried to
contact us."
Thanks to: Skye Ridley for this contribution
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Subj: Debunking
Famous Quotes (S329b)
From: FridaySilliness on 5/16/2003
Time to debunk some patently
untrue "Truths".
And who are *They* anyway??
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ...
* "Everything Comes In Threes"
Not true. In reality,
everything comes in ones. Some-
times, when three "ones" come
in a row, it seems like
everything comes in threes.
By the way, in medieval
times, it was widely believed
that everything came in
twenty-sixes. They were
wrong too. It just took them
longer to recognize the pattern.
* "You Can't Take It With You (when you die)"
Well, that depends on what It
is. If it's your dark
blue suit, you can certainly
take it with you. In fact,
not only can you take it with
you, you can probably put
some things in your pockets.
* "You Learn Something New Every Day"
Actually, you learn something
old every day. Just
because you've just learned
it, doesn't mean it's new.
Other people already knew it.
Columbus is a good example
of this.
* "The Sky's The Limit"
Well, how can the sky be the
limit? The sky never ends.
What kind of a limit is that?
The earth is the limit.
You dig a hole and what do
you keep getting? More earth.
The earth is the limit.
* "You Get What You Pay For"
Clearly this is not true.
Have you been shopping recently?
Only a very naive person would
believe that you get what
you pay for. In point
of fact, if you check your purchases
carefully, you'll find that
you get whatever they feel like
giving you. And if corporations
get any more powerful, you
soon might not even get that.
* "Tomorrow Is Another Day"
Not necessarily true.
Today is another day. We have no
idea what tomorrow is going
to be. It might turn out to
be another day, but we can't
be sure. If it happens, I'll
be the first to say so.
But you know what? By that time,
it will be today again.
* "You Can't Have Your Cake and Eat It Too"
Absurd. What good is having
a cake if you can't eat it?
I myself have eaten many a
cake that I've first had. And
for that matter, how can you
eat a cake that you *don't*
have?
* "Nice Guys Finish Last"
Not true. Studies have
shown that, on average, nice guys
finish third in a field of
six. Actually, short guys
finish last. By the way,
in medieval times, it was widely
believed that nice guys finished
twenty-sixth. You can
see how limited those people
were.
* "If You've Seen One, You've Seen Them All"
Do we even have to talk about
this one? This should be
obvious. If you've seen
one, you've seen ... one. If
you've seen them all, *then*
you've seen them all. I
don't even understand how this
one got started.
* "Only the Good Die Young"
This isn't necessarily so.
Mother Theresa was very old
when she died, and she is almost
a saint. So what is
this saying really trying to
tell us? To live forever
you must be very very bad???
Was Mother Theresa really
Satan then??? I am confused!
\\\//
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Subj: Some
Famous Quotes
from the Humor Box 03/18/97
From: Joke-of-the-Day-Mail.com on 12/4/2005
(S463b - political2)
"It is a good thing for an uneducated
man to read books
of quotations." -- Sir
Winston Churchill
"Smoking kills. If you're
killed, you've lost a very
important part of your
life." -- Brooke Shields, during
an interview to become spokesperson
for a federal
anti-smoking campaign.
"They gave me a book of checks.
They didn't ask for any
deposits." -- Congressman
Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press
conference to answer questions
about the House Bank Scandal.
"He didn't say that. He
was reading what was given to him
in a speech." -- Richard
Darman, director of OMB, explaining
why President Bush wasn't following
up on his campaign pledge
that there would be no loss
of wetlands.
"It depends on your definition
of asleep. They were not
stretched out. They had
their eyes closed. They were seated
at their desks with their heads
in a nodding position."
-- John Hogan,
Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News
Information, responding
to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory
Commission inspector
that two Dresden Nuclear Plant
operators were
sleeping on the job.
"I didn't accept it. I
received it." -- Richard Allen,
National Security
Advisor to President Reagan, explaining
the $1000 in cash
and two watches he was given by two
Japanese journalists
after he helped arrange a private
interview for them
with First Lady Nancy Reagan.
"I was a pilot flying an airplane
and it just so happened
that where I was
flying made what I was doing spying."
-- Francis Gary
Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by
the Soviets for
spying, in an interview after he was
returned to the
US.
"I was under medication when
I made the decision not to
burn the tapes." -- President
Richard Nixon
"I've never had major knee surgery
on any other part of my
body." -- Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky
basketball forward.
"Sure, it's going to kill a lot
of people, but they may be
dying of something else anyway."
-- Othal Brand, member
of a Texas pesticide review
board, on chlordane.
"Beginning in February 1976 your
assistance benefits will
be discontinued. Reason:
it has been reported to our
office that you expired on
January<br> 1, 1976."
-- Letter from
the Illinois Department of Public Aid
"In the early sixties, we were
strong, we were virulent..."
-- John Connally,
Secretary of Treasury under Richard
Nixon, in an early
seventies speech, as reported in a
contemporary "American
Scholar".
"Rotarians, be patriotic!
Learn to shoot yourself."
-- Chicago Rotary
Club journal, "Gyrator".
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia.
It's only the people
who make them unsafe." -- Frank
Rizzo, ex-police chief and
mayor of Philadelphia.
"I've always thought that underpopulated
countries in
Africa are vastly underpolluted."
-- Lawrence Summers,
chief economist of the World
Bank, explaining why we should
export toxic wastes to Third
World countries.
"The crime bill passed by the
Senate would reinstate the
Federal death penalty for certain
violent crimes:
assassinating the President;
hijacking an airliner; and
murdering a government poultry
inspector."
-- Knight Rider
News Service dispatch
"After finding no qualified candidates
for the position of
principal, the school board
is extremely pleased to
announce the appointment of
David Steele to the post."
-- Philip Streifer,
Superintendent of Schools,
Barrington Rhode
Island.
From: humorlist-digest V1 #208 on 97-09-26
(S35)
I'm not offended by all the
dumb blond jokes because I
know I'm not dumb... and I also
know that I'm not blond.
-- Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with
dumb women, but you
hardly ever see a smart woman
with a dumb guy.
-- Erica Jong
I want to have children, but
my friends scare me. One of
my friends told me she was in
labor for 36 hours. I don't
even want to do anything that
feels GOOD for 36 hours.
-- Rita Rudner
I figure that if the children
are alive when I get home,
I've done my job. -- Roseanne
My husband and I are either going
to buy a dog or have a
child. We can't decide
to ruin our carpet or ruin our
lives. -- Rita Rudner
I was on a date recently, and
the guy took me horseback
riding. That was kind
of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
-- Susie Loucks (S114)
This guy says, "I'm perfect for
you, 'cause I'm a cross
between a macho and a sensitive
man." I said, "Oh, a gay
trucker?" -- Judy Tenuta
He tricked me into marrying him.
He told me he was pregnant
-- Carol Leifer
I've been on so many blind dates,
I should get a free dog.
-- Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone
to whom you have given birth.
-- Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful,
men would be wearing them.
-- Sue Grafton
I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -- Gilda Radner
I'm not going to vacuum 'til
Sears makes one you can ride on.
-- Roseanne
I would love to speak a foreign
language, but I can't. So I
grew hair under my arms instead.
-- Sue Kolinsky
I look just like the girls next
door . . . if you happen to
live next door to an amusement
park. -- Dolly Parton
I found out why cats drink out
of the toilet. My mother
told me it's because it's cold
in there. And I'm like:
How did my mother know THAT?
-- Wendy Liebman
I think - therefore I'm single -- Lizz Winstead
There is nothing more frightful
than ignorance in action.
-- Goethe
From: smiles on 4/6/99
You can go a long way with a
smile. You can go a lot farther
with a smile and a gun.
-- Al Capone
\\\//
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Subj: Quotes
By Emo Phillips
From: Amy's Humor Archive on 06/27/97
Women: You can't live with them,
and you can't get them to
dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume
and beat you with a warm
squash. -- Emo Phillips
The toughest time...in anyone's
life...is when you have to
kill a loved one just because
they're the devil.
-- Emo Phillips
I ran three miles today, finally
I said "lady take your
purse." -- Emo Phillips
Some mornings it just doesn't
seem worth it to gnaw through
the leather straps. --
Emo Phillips
I was walking down the street,
something caught my eye...
and dragged it fifteen feet.
-- Emo Phillips
The other day a woman came up
to me and said, "Didn't I see
you on television?"
I said, "I don't know.
You can't see out the other way."
-- Emo Phillips
Emo Phillips was pulled over
in Massachusetts for reckless
driving. When brought
before the judge, Emo was asked if
he knew what the punishment
for drunk driving in that state
was. His reply: "I don't
know, reelection to the Senate?"
I love to go down to the schoolyard
and watch all the little
children jump up and down and
run around yelling and
screaming...They don't know
I'm only using blanks.
-- Emo Phillips
I discovered my wife in bed with
another man, and I was
crushed. So I said, "Get
off me, you two!" -- Emo Phillips
I was walking across a bridge
one day, and i saw a man
standing on the edge, about
to jump off. So I ran over and
said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much
to live for!" He said,
"Like what?" I said, "Well...are
you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you
christian or buddhist?"
He said,"Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you
catholic or protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you
Episcopalian or Baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too!
Are you Baptist Church of God or
Baptist Church
of the Lord?"
He said, "Baptist Church of
God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you
original baptist church of god,
or are you reformed
baptist church of god?"
He said, "Reformed baptist church
of god!"
I said, "Me too! Are you
reformed baptist church of god,
reformation of
1879, or reformed baptist church of god,
reformation of
1915?"
He said, "Reformed baptist church
of god, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum",
and pushed him off. -- Emo Phillips
The IRS sent back my tax return
saying I owed $800. I said
"If you'll notice, I sent a
paper clip with my return.
Given what you've been paying
for things lately, that
should more than make up the
difference." -- Emo Phillips
A friend of mine gave me a Philip
Glass record. I listened
to it for five hours before
I realized it had a scratch on
it. -- Emo Phillips
[Note: Philip Glass's music is
pseudo classical-new age
stuff that repeats incessently.
I'm serious. I listened
to a CD -- and the first 15
minutes was the same chord
progression on a tinkly type
thing. Pretty boring.]
\\\//
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Subj: Quotes
From Becky
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-04-09
Moved to 'Addemdum To Murphy's Law' in LAWS
\\\//
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Subj: Supermodel
Quotes
Below are actual quotes from
some of today's hardest
working and best-known supermodels
on various topics.
As you can see not everyone
is cut out to be a supermodel.
ON COURAGE: "They were doing
a full back shot of me in a
swimsuit and I thought, Oh my
God, I have to be so brave.
See, every woman hates herself
from behind."
-- Cindy Crawford
ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE: "Everywhere
I went, my cleavage
followed. But I learned I am
not my cleavage."
-- Carole Mallory
ON POVERTY: "Everyone should
have enough money to get
plastic surgery." -- Beverly
Johnson
ON FATE: "I wish my butt did
not go sideways, but I guess
I have to face that."
-- Christie Brinkley
ON PSYCHOLOGY: "I loved making
'Rising Sun'. I got into
the psychology of why she liked
to get strangled and tied
up in plastic bags. It
has to do with low self-worth."
-- Tatjana Patitz
ON ARRIVING: "Because modeling
is lucrative, I'm able to
save up and be more particular
about the acting roles I
take." -- Kathy Ireland,
star of 'Alien From L.A.' and
'Danger Island'
ON CAREER CHOICES: "My boyfriend
thinks I lost my true
calling to be a librarian."
-- Paulina Porizkova
ON PRIORITIES: "I would rather
exercise than read a
newspaper." -- Kim Alexis
ON GEOPOLITICS: "Mick Jagger
and I just really liked each
other a lot. We talked
all night. We had the same views
on nuclear disarmament."
-- Jerry Hall
ON INNER STRENGTH: "I love the
confidence that makeup
gives me." -- Tyra Banks
ON DEATH: "Richard doesn't really
like me to kill bugs,
but sometimes I can't help it."
-- Cindy Crawford
ON TRAVEL: "I haven't seen the
Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame,
the Louvre. I haven't
seen anything. I don't really
care." -- Tyra Banks
ON BREAKTHROUGHS: "Once I got
past my anger toward my
mother, I began to excel in
volleyball and modeling."
-- Gabrielle Reece
ON EPIPHANY: "I just found out
that I'm one inch taller
than I thought." -- Christie
Brinkley
ON HEREDITY: "My husband was
just OK looking. I was in
labor and I said to him, 'What
if she's ugly? You're
ugly." -- Beverly Johnson
ON THE BASICS: "It's very important
to have the right
clothing to exercise in.
If you throwON an old T-shirt
or sweats, it's not inspiring
for your workout."
-- Cheryl Tiegs
ON INTRODUCTIONS: "I think most
people are curious about
what it would be like to be
able to meet yourself --
it's eerie." -- Christy
Turlington
ON COURTSHIP: "The soundtrack
to 'Indecent Exposure' is
a romantic mix of music that
I know most women love to
hear, so I never keep it far
from me when women are nearby."
-- Fabio
ON PARADOX: "Sometimes I get
lonely, but it's nice to be
alone ..." -- Tatjana
Patitz
ON THE CONSERVATION OF MATTER:
"I've looked in the mirror
every day for 20 years.
It's the same face."
-- Claudia Schiffer
ON TRAGEDY: "The worst was when
my skirt fell down to my
ankles -- but I had on thick
tights underneath."
-- Naomi Campbell
ON INSTINCT: "If I'm making a
movie and get hungry, I call
time-out and eat some crackers."
-- Carol Alt
ON THE CASTE SYSTEM: "We're not
Prince Charles and Princess
Di. We don't think of
ourselves as royalty. We happen to
be working people." --
Christie Brinkley
ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS: "I tried
on 250 bathing suits in
one afternoon and ended up having
little scabs up and down
my thighs, probably from some
of those with sequins all
over them." -- Cindy Crawford
ON ECONOMICS: "I don't wake up
for less than $10,000 a day."
-- Linda Evangelista
ON ZEN: "When I model I pretty
blank. You can't think too
much or it doesn't work."
-- Paulina Porizkova
ON LOGIC: "I think, If my butt's
not too big for them to be
photographing it, then it shouldn't
be too big for me."
-- Christy Turlington
ON BODY PARTS: "I don't know
what to do with my arms. It
just makes me feel weird and
I feel like people are looking
at me and that makes me nervous."
-- Tyra Banks
ON BODY LANGUAGE: "You can usually
tell when I'm happy by
the fact that I've gained weight."
-- Christy Turlington
ON DEPRIVATION: "If they had
Nautilus on the Concorde, I
would work out all the time."
-- Linda Evangelista
ON MOTIVATION: "It was kind of
boring for me to have to
eat. I would know that
I had to, and I would." -- Kate Moss
ON VERSATILITY: "I can do anything
you want me to do so
long as I don't have to speak."
-- Linda Evangelista
ON THE GRIEF PROCESS: "When my
Azzedine jacket from 1987
died, I wrapped it up in a box,
attached a note saying
where it came from and took
it to the Salvation Army. It
was a big loss." -- Veronica
Webb
ON VENGEANCE: "Girls are always
getting mad at each other
and they tell their hairdresser
to purposely mess up another
girl's hair." -- Tasha
ON BATTING .667: "I'm a pretty
girl who's a model who doesn't
suck as an actress." --
Cameron Diaz
"Smoking kills. If you're killed,
you've lost a very
important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an
interview to become spokeswoman
for a federal anti-smoking
campaign
\\\//
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Subj: Great
Quotes For People Who Won't Consider The Internet
"Computers in the future may
weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
-- Popular Mechanics,
forecasting the relentless march
of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market
for maybe five computers."
-- Thomas Watson,
chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and
breadth of this country and
talked with the best people,
and I can assure you that data
processing is a fad that won't
last out the year."
-- The editor in charge
of business books
for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?"
commenting on the microchip.
-- Engineer at
the Advanced Computing Systems
Division of IBM,
1968,
"There is no reason anyone would
want a computer in their
home." 1977 quote -- Ken
Olson, president, chairman and
founder of Digital Equipment
Corp.,
"This 'telephone' has too many
shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication.
The device is
inherently of no value to us."
-- Western Union internal
memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no
imaginable commercial value.
Who would pay for a message
sent to nobody in particular?"
-- David Sarnoff's associates
in response to his urgings
for investment in the
radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and
well-formed, but in order
to earn better than a 'C,' the
idea must be feasible."
-- A Yale University
management professor in response to
Fred Smith's paper proposing
reliable overnight delivery
service. (Smith went
on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors
talk?"
-- H.M. Warner,
Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark
Gable who's falling on his
face and not Gary Cooper."
-- Gary Cooper on his decision
not to take the leading role
in "Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea.
Besides, the market research
reports say America likes crispy
cookies, not soft and
chewy cookies like you make."
-- Response to Debbi
Fields' idea of
starting Mrs. Fields'
Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and
guitar music is on the way
out." -- Decca Recording
Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines
are impossible."
-- Lord Kelvin,
president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I
wouldn't have done the
experiment. The literature
was full of examples that said
you can't do this." --
Spencer Silver on the work that led
to the unique adhesives for
3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said,
'Hey, we've got this amazing
thing, even built with some
of your parts, and what do you
think about funding us?
Or we' ll give it to you. We just
want to do it. Pay our salary,
we'll come work for you.'
And they said, 'No.' So then
we went to Hewlett-Packard,
and they said, 'Hey, we don't
need you. You haven't got
through college yet.'"
-- Apple Computer Inc. founder
Steve Jobs on attempts to get
Atari and H-P interested in
his and Steve Wozniak's personal
computer.
"You want to have consistent
and uniform muscle development
across all of your muscles?
It can't be done. It's just a
fact of life. You just
have to accept inconsistent muscle
development as an unalterable
condition of weight training."
-- Response to Arthur
Jones, who solved the "unsolvable"
problem by inventing
Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean
drill into the ground to try and
find oil? You're crazy."
-- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake
tried to enlist to his project
to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks
like a permanently high
plateau." -- Irving Fisher,
Professor of Economics, Yale
University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys
but of no military value."
-- Marechal Ferdinand
Foch, Professor of Strategy,
Ecole Superieure
de Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented
has been invented."
-- Charles H. Duell,
Commissioner, U.S. Office of
Patents, 1899.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs
is ridiculous fiction".
-- Pierre Pachet,
Professor of Physiology at
Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and
the brain will forever be
shut from the intrusion of the
wise and humane surgeon".
-- Sir John Eric Ericksen,
British surgeon,
appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary
to Queen Victoria 1873.
\\\//
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Subj: Quotes
About Computer Programming
If a programmer is found to be
indispensable, the best
thing to do is to get rid of
him as quickly as possible.
-- The Psychology of
Computer Programming,
Gerald M. Weinberg, (Van
Nostrand Reinhold Co., 1971)
Some years ago, when COBOL was
the great white programming
hope, one heard much talk of
the possibility of executives
being able to read programs..
nobody can seriously have
believed [this]... even programmers
do not read programs.
-- Weinberg, p.5
Asking for efficiency and adaptibility
in the same program
is like asking for a beautiful
and modest wife... we'll
probably have to settle for
one or the other.
-- Weinberg, p.31
To detect errors,
the programmer must have a conniving
mind, one that delights in uncovering
flaws where beauty and
perfection were once thought
to lie.
-- Weinberg, p.136
For locating errors, however,
we want a person who has the
persistence of a mother-in-law
and the collecting instincts
of a pack rat. -- Weinberg,
p.136
Another effect [of not having
a spoken form] is the
difficulty with which we can
talk about a programming
language without a blackboard
or pencil and paper. Every
programming office should have
a blackboard, chalk, and
many erasers. -- Weinberg,
p.207
'Programming' - like 'loving'
- is a single word that
encompasses an infinitude of
activities. -- Weinberg, p.121
The expert is a person who avoids
the small errors as he
sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
-- Anonymous
The nature of programming being
what it is, there is no
relationship between the 'size'
of the error and the problems
it causes. -- Weinberg,
p.247
Documentation is the castor oil
of programming... the
managers know it must be good
because programmers hate it
so much. -- Weinberg,
p.262
The human mind ordinarily operates
at only ten per cent of
its capacity - the rest is overhead
for the operating system.
-- Anonymous
We stand at the brink of a new
age, an age made possible by
the revolution that is embodied
in the computer. Standing
on the brink, we could totter
either way - to a golden age
of liberty or a dark age of
tyranny, either of which would
surpass anything the world has
ever known. Perhaps no
individual's efforts will make
any difference in the result,
but we must never cease trying,
for then the result is sure
to be tyranny. --
Weinberg, p.279
He'll sit here and he'll
say, 'Do this! Do that!' And
nothing will happen. --
Harry S. Truman
Never go to sea with two chronometers;
take one or three.
-- Anonymous
I know it. I know what
needs to be done - but every time I
try to tackle a technical problem
some bloody fool wants me
to make a decision about trucks
- or telephones - or some
damn thing. -- Robert
Heinlein, The Man Who Sold the Moon
I don't know any reason why we
couldn't do it, but maybe
we can think of one. --
Mark C. Davison
The user does not know what he
wants until he sees what he
gets. -- Ed Yourdon
It is impossible to make anything
foolproof because fools
are so ingenious. -- Edsel
Murphy, dec.
"Beware the fury of a patient man" -- John Dryden
"Kids in the front of cars cause
accidents,
Accidents in the back of cars
cause kids!"
From: Yzmir's HUMOR LISTS Updated 5/22/1997
Blessed are the Deaf for they
cannot hear the Dumb.
... when you're up to your ass
in alligators, it is
difficult to remind yourself
that your initial objective
was to drain the swamp.
\\\//
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Subj: Quotes
About Apple computers
From: BawdyNet test part 3! on 98-03-01
"Here's to the crazy ones. The
misfits, the rebels, the
troublemakers. The round
pegs in the square holes, the
ones who see things differently.
They're not fond of
rules and they have no respect
for the status quo. You
can quote them, disagree with
them, glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing you can't
do is ignore them. Because
they change things, they push
the human race forward. And
while some may see them as the
crazy ones, we see genius,
because the people who are crazy
enough to think they can
change the world, are the ones
who do."
-- Apple commercial "Think
Different"
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #168 &
#175
"I view the Apple tragicomedy
not as a war of operating
systems but as a fascinating
case study in the potentially
fatal alchemy of arrogance,
bad marketing, ingenious
product development, loyal customers
and abysmal public
relations." -- Paul Furiga,
editor, Pittsburgh Business Times
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #172
What's the difference between
Apple and the Boy Scouts of
America? The Boy Scouts
have adequate adult supervision.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #173
"Despite the cute recycle can
and other Mac-like features,
Windows 95 is still an inelegant
pretender to the invitingly
simple Mac operating system."
-- Paul Furiga, editor,
Pittsburgh Business Times
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #174
"The idea that Bill Gates has
appeared like a knight in
shining armour to lead all customers
out of a mire of
technological chaos neatly ignores
the fact that it
was he who, by peddling second-rate
technology, led
them into it in the first place."
-- Douglas Adams, on
Windows '95.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #181
If you're having problems with
your computer, check the
upper left corner of your screen.
If there isn't an Apple
there, that's your problem.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #191
"It would not be an exaggeration
to describe the history
of the computer industry for
the past decade as a massive
effort to keep up with Apple.
In 1984, critics derided
the Mac for its appliance-like
simplicity, but it went on
to pioneer or popularize almost
every innovation in personal
computing: the GUI, desktop
publishing, built-in networking,
plug and play, integrated multimedia..."
-- BYTE Magazine, December
1994
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #192
"It would also not be an exaggeration
to describe the history
of the computer industry for
the past decade as a massive
effort by Apple to keep ripping
off the unknowing public with
an over-priced, under-supported,
non-standard computing
system in a vain attempt to
keep from quietly going into
that dark night."
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #195
"Don't get me started on Windows
95, which, as they say,
has the look and feel of Macintosh
84. It's no coincidence
the Macintosh is the platform
of choice for artists of all
kinds, while every pencil-pushing
fluorescent-lit drudge
in the world hunches over a
PC." -- Keir Serris
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #230 ON 98-02-14
"The Macintosh may only have
10% of the market, but it is
clearly the top 10%."
-- Douglas Adams, 1996 WWDC.
From: Contra Costa Times, Business
second,
page
C1 on 9/11/2011 (S765)
"Have the courage to follow
your heart and intuition.
They somehow always know what
you truly want to become."
-- Steve Jobs
\\\//
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Subj: Quotes
Not About Apple Computers
From: Anaise on 98-02-10
Imagine the disincentive to
software development if after
months of work another company
could come along and copy
your work and market it under
its own name... without legal
restraints to such copying,
companies like Apple could not
afford to advance the state
of the art"
-- Bill Gates, 1983 (New
York Times, 25 Sep 1983, p. F2)
From Bawdy.Net Collage #81
In formal protest to the Communications
Decency Ammendment
of the Telecommunications Act
signed into US law on Feb. 8,
all my electronic communication
will now include George
Carlin's original "Seven Words
You Can't Say On Television":
shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker
motherfucker and tits.
Sue me.
From Bawdy.Net Collage #176
"Hunting for porn on the Internet
combines the best of art
photography (picture's of people
private parts) with the
excitement of video games (hunt...click...hunt....click...
click...dirty pictures...Score!)."
-- Dan Savage
From Bawdy.Net Collage #179
Life's a bitch, and then she
fucks you for your money.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #192
"Scientists estimate that by
the end of this century, via
the means of Virtual Reality,
a man will be able to simulate
making love to any women he
wants to through his television
set. You know, folks,
the day an unemployed ironworker can
lay in his Barc-a-lounger with
a Fosters in one hand and a
channel flicker in the other
and fuck Claudia Schiffer for
$19.95, it's gonna make crack
look like Sanka, all right?!"
-- Dennis Miller
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #196
"We have put forth a great deal
of effort to ensure the
offensiveness of at least one
of the preceeding jokes. If
you were not offended, we sincerely
apologize."
From: humorlist-digest V1 #238 on 97-11-02
"Do men feel some erogenous
zones are misunderstood? Yes.
"Balls have always been treated
like unwelcome country
cousins. You recognize
them when they show up at the door,
but you're not happy to see
them, because you have no idea
how to keep them entertained."
From Sex Tips for Straight
Women from a Gay Man by Dan
Anderson and Maggie Berman.
http://www.women.com/buzz/books.html#1
From: Bawdy.Net Bah! Humbug! Collage
on Date: 97-12-25
"We've all heard that a million
monkeys banging on a
million typewriters will eventually
reproduce the entire
works of Shakespeare.
Now, thanks to the Internet, we
know this is not true."
-- Professor Robert Silensky of
California University
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #259 on 98-07-14
That gentlemen prefer blondes
is due to the fact that,
apparently, pale hair, delicate
skin and an infantile
expression represent the very
apex of frailty which every
man longs to violate.
-- Alexander King
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