Subj: Word Jokes2 - mostly puns
(Includes 60 jokes and articles, 07 1021,3,cf,wYT2a,2)
..........Click "Here" for Word Jokes-Supp
Mike Shaikun's Animation
Subj: Every Time You Make A Typo - Button (S882)
From: GeorgeHTakei on Facebook on 11/27/2013
Mother Goose And Grimm Sunday Comic Strip
By Mike Peters on 9/13/2009 (S661b)
Mother Goose and Grim Comics Page
Click 'HERE' to read this cute Sunday comic strip.
Subj: A Few Tom Swifties (S537b)
From: edapsmas on 5/1/2007
"I think I'll get engaged", Tom proposed marryly.
"That's my favorite song", Tom said off the record.
"I'll have to make another pastry", Tom retorted.
"I love mathematics!!", Tom added.
"Look it's Free Willy!!", Tom wailed out.
"I dropped my toothpaste", Tom said crestfallen.
"I just got a pacemaker", Tom said half-heartedly.
"I couldn't perform!" Tom said limply.
"I'm not sure if I'm a homosexual", said Tom, half in Ernest.
From: Rich Canty
"Oh, No! It's June 1st already," said Tom, dismayed.
"I'll be wearing my sheet to
the cross-burning tonight,"
whispered Tom, clandestinely.
"So much to do, and I don't know
where to start," said
"Do we know what kind of cigarette
this is?" asked
"Some drivers need to be shown
the bird," said Tom,
"I want you to back up this boat
right now," said
"That's it. I'm getting
a boob job tomorrow!" she
"I just read that obesity causes
"How did I get so wet?" wondered Tom, mystified.
"Wow, your feet are really flat,"
said Tom, archly.
"And your skin is so rough," he added, callously.
on 4/6/2009 (S639b)
"I like camping," Tom said intently.
Subj: A Mime In The Park (S653)
From: LABLaughsClean on 7/14/2009
I often go to the park to read
my paper on nice days.
The urban park that I favor attracts a number of street
performers. One of these, a Mime attracted my attention.
Every day he went through exactly the same routine. It
didn't matter who was watching or how the audience
reacted, nothing could make this guy vary his motions
or break character. Finally my curiosity got the better
I waited until he was leaving
that night to approach him
and ask why he repeated the same routine over and over.
Nothing, he wouldn't break character or talk to me as he
walked out of the park and climbed into a car a lady was
driving. Finally, several weeks later I arrived at the
park early. Just as I arrived I spotted the Mime kissing
his girl friend as he climbed out of the car. In desperation
I ran over to the lady's car before she could pull out
and asked her why her friend repeated the same routine over
She listened to my question and
sadly shook her head. "I'm
sorry, but I'm afraid that I've just got a one track Mime."
Subj: Derivation of Expressons (S210, DU)
From: RFSlick on 2/3/2001
1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses
were secured on bed
frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress
tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's
where the phrase, "goodnight, sleep tight" came from.
2. The sentence "The quick brown
fox jumps over the lazy
dog." Uses every letter in the alphabet. (developed by
Western Union to test telex/twx communications.)
3. The Main Library at Indiana
University sinks over an
inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed
to take into account the weight of all the books that would
occupy the building.
4. The term "the whole 9 yards"
came from W.W.II fighter
pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the
ground, the ..50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured
exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage.
If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got
"the whole 9 yards."
5. The phrase "rule of thumb"
is derived from an old
English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife
with anything wider than your thumb.
6. The name Jeep came from the
abbreviation used in the
army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, GP.
7. The first toilet ever seen
on television was on "Leave
It To Beaver."
8. It was the accepted practice
in Babylon 4,000 years
ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father
would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could
drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar
was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month"
or what we know today as the "honeymoon."
9. In English pubs, ale is ordered
by pints and quarts.
So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender
would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and
settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's
10. Many years ago in England,
pub frequenters had a
whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups.
When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get
some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired
by this practice.
Subj: Humorous Definitions (S207, DU)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 1/17/2001
Definitions For Old Words'
and 'New Words For 2001'
and 'New Words For 2002'
and 'Definitions for The New Year!' in ENGLISH)
ADULT: A person who has stopped
growing at both ends and
is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
(See 'Definition Of A Committee' in JOB-STUFF-SUPP)
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth
will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
Subj: Chevy Nova Awards (S163, DU)
From: JCary on 3/6/00
These are the nominees for the
Chevy Nova Award. This is
given out in honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market
this car in Central and South America. "No va" means, of
course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go".
1. The Dairy Association's
huge success with the campaign
"Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico.
It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation
read "Are you lactating?"
2. Coors put its slogan,
"Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where
it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
3. Scandinavian vacuum
manufacturer Electrolux used the
following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an
4. Clairol introduced the
"Mist Stick," a curling iron, into
Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure.
Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
5. When Gerber started
selling baby food in Africa, they
used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby
on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies
routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since
many people can't read.
6. Colgate introduced a
toothpaste in France called Cue, the
name of a notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt
maker in Miami printed shirts for the
Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I
saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato"
8. Pepsi's "Come Alive
With the Pepsi Generation" translated
into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back >From the Grave" in
9. The Coca-Cola name in
China was first read as "Kekoukela",
meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with
wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000
characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole",
translating into "happiness in the mouth"
10. Frank Perdue's chicken
slogan, "It takes a strong man to
make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes
an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
11. When Parker Pen marketed
a ball-point pen in Mexico, its
ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket
and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar"
(to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't
leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"
12. When American Airlines
wanted to advertise its new leather
first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly
In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela
en cuero) in Spanish!
Subj: Old Words With New Meanings (S161, DU)
From: smiles on 2/29/00
: A cook that leaves Arby's
to work at McDonald's
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ : What a bullfighter tries to do
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ : Where some hemlines fall
Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ : The act of torching a mortgage
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ : What a crook sees with
Control \kon'-trol\ : A short, ugly inmate
: Workers who put together
Eclipse \ee-klips' \ : What a Cockney barber does for a living
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ : A clumsy ophthalmologist
Heroes \hee-rhos' \ : What a guy in a boat does
Left Bank \left' bangk' \ : What
the robber did when his bag
was full of loot
Misty \mis-tee' \ : How golfers create divots
Paradox \par'-u-doks' \ : Two physicians
Parasites \par'-ih-sites' \:
What you see from the
top of the EiffelTower
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ : A helper on the farm
Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ : What penguins see with
Primate \pri'-mate' \ : Removing
your spouse from in
front of the TV
Relief \ree-leef' \ : What trees do in the spring
Selfish \sel'-fish' \ : What
the owner of a seafood
Subdued \sub-dood' \ : Like,
a guy who, like, works on
one of those, like, submarines, man
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ : Brought
litigation against a
Subj: Potatoes (S158, S765)
From: smiles on 02/08/2000
and From: virv on 9/11/2011
(Also see 'Irish Potatoe Marries Idaho Spud' in Irish2)
You know that all potatoes have
eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs.
Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married
and had a little one a real SWEET POTATO whom they called
"YAM." They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her
all about the facts of life. They warned her about going
out and getting half baked because she could get Mashed,
get a bad name like Hot Potato, and then end up with a bunch
of Tater Tots.
She said not to worry -- no Mr.
McSpud would get her in the
sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her! But she couldn't
stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get
plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her
Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told
her about going off to Europe
and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and
even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.
They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going
out west because she could get scalloped.
She told them she would stay
on the straight and narrow and
wouldn't associate with those high class Blue Belles or the
ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their
trade on all the trucks you see around town that say Frito-Lay.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato wanted the
best for Yam, so they sent her to
"Idaho U." - that's Potato University - where the Big Potatoes
come from and when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips.
But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Tom
Brokaw. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she could
not marry him because he's just a ... COMMON TATER !
Subj: Word Change Contest (S150, DU)
From: KMacinty on 12/13/1999
The Washington Post's Style Invitational
asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,
or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are
some recent winners.
1) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
2) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation
about yourself for the
purpose of getting laid.
3) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
4) Sarchasm: The gulf
between the author of sarcastic wit
and the person who doesn't get it.
5) Inoculatte: To take
coffee intravenously when you are
6) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
7) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
8) Karmageddon: It's like,
when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then,
like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
9) Glibido: All talk and no action.
10) Dopeler effect: The
tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.
11) Intaxication: Euphoria
at getting a tax refund, which
lasts until you realize it was your money
to start with.
12) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Subj: Husband Pays To Have Wife Killed (S126b, S636c)
From: RFSlick on 6/7/99
and From: ginafm on 3/13/2009
Tired of constantly being broke,
and stuck in an unhappy marriage,
a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a
large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the bene-
ficiary), and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him
in touch with a nefarious under-
world figure, who went by the name of Artie". Artie explained
to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse
was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount,
but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect
his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid
SOMETHING up front. The man opened
up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested
inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to
accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed
the man's wife to the local
Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce
department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped
to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled
unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses
behind, Artie had no choice
but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie,
the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and
observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at
the police station, Artie revealed
the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the
And that is why, the next day
in the newspaper, the headline
(You're going to hate me for
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY."
Subj: Ghandi Pun (S100)
From: Anaise on 98-12-29
(Also see 'Mahatma Gandhi' in ASIA)
Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere,
to the point that his
feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on
a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin
and frail. He also was quite a spiritual person. Further-
more, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.
(wait for it, I feel a pun coming
He became known as a super-calloused
fragile mystic plagued
Subj: Do You Recognize These Adages? (S99)
From: auntieg on 98-12-15
Do you recognize these well known
1. All articles that coruscate
with resplendence are not
ANS: All that
Glitters is not Gold.
2. Sorting on the part of mendicants
must be interdicted.
cannot be choosers.
3. Male cadavers are incapable
of rendering any testimony.
men tell no tales.
4. Neophite's serendipity.
5. A revolving lithic conglomerate
congeries of small, green, biophytic plant.
ANS: A Rolling
Stone gathers no Moss.
6. Individuals who make their
abodes in vitreous edifices
would be advised to refrain from catapulting petrious
who live Glass Houses should cast no stones.
7. Members of an avian species
of identical plumage tend
of a feather flock together.
8. Pulchritude possesses solely
is only skin-deep.
9. Freedom from incrustations
of crime is contiguous to
is next to Godliness.
10. It is fruitless to become
lachrymose of precipitately
departed lacteal fluid.
cry over Spilt Milk.
11. Where there are visible vapors
having their provenance in
ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
there is smoke, there will be fire.
12. Eschew the implement of correction
and vitiate the scion.
the Rod and Spoil the Child.
13. The stylus is more potent
than the rapier.
ANS: The Pen is Mightier
than the Sword.
14. It is fruitless to attempt
to indoctrinate a
superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.
ANS: You cant
teach an Old Dog new Tricks.
15. Surveillance should precede
before you leap.
16. Scintillate, scintillate,
(not a proverb)
twinkle little star
17. The person presenting the
possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.
ANS: One who
laughs the last, laughs the best.
18. Exclusive dedication to necessitous
interludes of hedonistic diversion renders John a
ANS: All work and No Play makes Jack (?) a Dull boy.
Subj: The Hills Have A Car Accident In Transylvania
From: humorlist-digest V2 #262 on 98-10-31
and From: pns on 10/13/2002 (S298b, Du)
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty,
were vacationing in Europe,
as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a
rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late,
and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 10 feet in
front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control!
Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car
swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his
head to clear the fog. Dazed,
he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife
unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and
unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the
Bob carefully picks his wife
up and begins trudging down the
road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads
towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house.
He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small,
hunched man opens the door. Bob
immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this
is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and
my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback,
"but we don't have a
phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him."
Bob brings his wife in.
An elegant man comes down the
stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I
am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is
many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic
medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring
them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty
and carries her downstairs,
with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table
in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own
injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's
master looks worried.
"things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor
and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and
Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's
master greatly. Wearily,
he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his
pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace.
He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody
fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the
lab tidying up. As the
music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement, and he notices
the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he
watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is furthur amazed
as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he
dashes up the stairs to the
conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master!.......The Hills
are alive with the sound
Subj: Doctor's Word Riddle (DU)
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/23/2003
What's so peculiar about this sentence?
I do not know where family doctors
perplexing handwriting; nevertheless, extraordinary
pharmaceutical intellectuality, counterbalancing
indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications'
Scroll down for the answer
Here it comes
Each word in the sentence is "one letter
longer" than the
word before it!
Subj: Riddle (DU)
From: abey on 02/25/98
! ^^ !I look for myself !"Every artist is a cannibal! This box !
! OO__ !I don't know who am I!Every poet is a thief ! has been !
! / , \ !When I find me !All kill their inspiration ! intenti- !
! / __\/ !This riddle is a lie !And sing about the grief" ! onally !
!_/ / ! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! left !
! / !Who am I? ! Abraham Grief ! blank. !
! / dinosaur! ! email@example.com !!!!!!!!!!!!
Subj: Semi-short Jokes
From: ipkis on 97-08-30
Once upon a time there was a
young entrepreneur named Tates
who wanted to go into business for himself. He decided that
he would mass produce a hiker's compass.
Being on a limited budget, Tates
figured he would be able to
make more money if he spent most of his budget on advertising
and only a minimal amount on the compass production. His
idea worked--all hikers in the country were buying his
After a few months, however,
the compasses started to break
because of the poor quality, which led to the following
national slogan: "He who has a Tates is lost."
In the year 356 BC, Philip of Macedonia and his wife Olympias
were about to become the proud parents of a baby boy. It had
been foretold that the child would grow up to become a famous
leader and warrior. The night before the child was born, a
voice spoke to Philip in a dream.
"Arise, go out into the streets
and seek a most mysterious
sign. When you behold evidence that nocturnal birds of prey
have begun nesting underground in the city's drainage system,
the name by which your illustrious son will be known for all
time will be revealed to you."
Philip awoke, told his wife about
the voice and quickly went
out to seek the sign. After a short while he returned.
"Well tell me", said Olympias, "did you see anything?"
"Yes, owl eggs under the grate!"
A group of guys used to get together once a week to play
poker. Well, one of the guys died; but his ghost continued
to join in the poker games as before. On one of these
evenings, the ghost got five beautiful hearts in his very
first hand, and he bet his stack.
Unfortunately, one of the flesh-and-blood
players had a
full house and raked in the pot -- another case where the
spirit was willing but the flush was weak.
A man and his wife are on vacation on a remote Caribbean
island. The man is lying under a palm tree relaxing in the
shade when his wife walks over.
"Honey," she says, "let's go
snorkeling now. There are many
fascinating sea creatures for us to see."
To this he replies, "With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"
A man is fishing by the bank of a river. As he made a cast
with his pole his billfold fell out of his pocket and went into
the water. He thought that all of his valuables were lost
forever, but just then to his amazement a fish bounced the
billfold off his nose to another fish, and after several passes
back and forth the billfold landed on the ground next to him.
He was astounded. He had never before seen Carp to Carp Walleting.
Two clones were standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon, one of
them cursing wildly. The other one, tired of hearing all the
profanity, pushed the cursing one into the Canyon. The police
were called and immediately arrested the survivor. He was
charged with making and obscene clone fall.
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted
a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it
clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?", asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the
same turtle that took a nip out
of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".
A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store
installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued,
the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine,
but his request was denied.
Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."
Subj: Short 'Word' Jokes
Shoe Sunday Comic Strip (S702b)
By Chris Cassatt and Gary Brookins
From: WashingtonPost.com on 6/27/2010
Subj: Googlism (S362)
From: igiggle on 12/29/2003
This is amazing. Find out what Google thinks about you
(or anything else). Go to http://www.googlism.com
Subj: Daily Words Used By Men And Women (S355)
From: DoctorDebt on 11/15/2003
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day..... 30,000 to a man's 15,000 words. The
wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to
say everything twice." The husband then turned to his
wife and asked, "What?"
Subj: The Definition of 'Normal' (S329)
From: joke-of-the-day.com on 5/20/2003
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work
and driving through traffic in a car that you are still
paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay
for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant
all day so you can afford to live in it. -- Ellen Goodman
Subj: Three Words Ending in "gry" (S238)
From: mombear1 on 8/21/2001
There are three words in the english language that end in
ONE is angry and the other is
hungry. EveryONE knows what
the third ONE means and what it stands for. EveryONE uses
them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've
given you the third word.
What is it? __________gry?
Gayle Heckman sent me a great
'Word Puzzle' reference at
http://www.puzzlers.org/puzlinks.htm. I found the answer
with in two minutes to the above puzzle.
I went to
A Collection of Word Oddities and Trivia at
I went to Part 1 at
ANHUNGRY is one answer to the
question, "What's the other
word besides 'angry' and 'hungry' that ends in 'gry'?"
This is the most frequently asked question of the editors
of Merriam-Webster. Actually, "angry" and "hungry" are the
only two words in common use ending in -gry, but quite a
few obsolete or obscure words can be found in unabridged
dictionaries. Among them are ANHUNGRY, used by Shakespeare.
Subj: Renting A House (S134)
From: smiles on 8/24/99
All afternoon a real estate agent had been showing a young
couple empty houses. The ones they loathed always seemed to
be available, but others had snapped up the ones that struck
their fancy invariable. Finally they came to a house at the
very edge of town and fell in love with it.
"Please," they begged, "tell us that this one we can have."
"It's yours," beamed the agent. ... "It's last but not leased!"
Subj: Famous Last Words (S130, S624)
From: PGSP4LIFE on 7/28/99
* This will be a short meeting.
* You can put it together yourself in five minutes.
* One slice of pizza won't blow my diet.
* You'll housebreak him in no time at all.
* They'll feel terrific once you break them in.
* Of course bring the kids!
* Believe me, NOBODY'S dressing up!
Subj: Perfectly Painful Puns (S216)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-23
(See 'Cute, Short Puns' in Word_Jokes1
and 'Punny Thoughts' in Word_Joke-Supp)
l. What do you get when you toss
a hand grenade into a
kitchen in France? Linoleum blownapart.
2. A city in Alaska passed a
law outlawing all dogs.
It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.
3. Which famous golfer loves to drink wine? Litre Vino.
4. A man goes to a dermatologist
with a rare skin disease.
The doctor says, "Try a milk bath." So the guy goes to
the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs
enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guy asks, "You
want that pasteurized? "Nah," the man replies, "Up to
my chin should do it."
5. What's the difference between
an angry circus owner and
a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, and the other
is a shaving Roman.
6. In ancient Rome, deli workers
were told that they could
eat enything they wanted during the lunch hour. Any-
thing, that is, except the smoked salmon. Thus were
created the world's first anti-lox breaks.
7. Did you hear about the red
ship and the blue ship that
collided? Both crews were marooned.
8. Why did the maharishi refuse
novocaine when he had his
teeth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
9. Did you hear about the two
men from the monastery who
opened a fast-food seafood restaurant? One was the
fish friar, the other was the chip monk.
Subj: Two Eskimos (S610c)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-10-08
and From: hellgunner50 on 9/16/2008
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they
lit a fire in the boat it sank -- proving once and
for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Subj: Microsoft 'Word' Oddities I (S33)
From: Scott's Joke Archive 0n 5/31/97
(See 'World Trade Center And Word' in NEW_YORKER)
Apparently, someone at Microsoft has a sense of humor...
If you run Microsoft Word 6.0 or 7.0, type "zzzz" in a
document. Run the spell checker. You will be surprised
at the suggestion that the dictionary provides as the
correct spelling. It does not work for "zzz" or "zzzzz".
Subj: Microsoft 'Word' Oddities II (S82)
From: RFSlick on 98-08-25
1. Open a new document in Word
2. Type "Unable to follow directions" (without the quotes)
3. Highlight the entire sentence you just typed
4. Hit shift-F7 for the thesaurus
What is the longest word typed
by only one hand?
"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with
only the left hand.
How many English words end in
There are only four words in the English language which end in
"-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
What is the only English word
to end in "mt."
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
What is the longest one-syllable
word in the English language?
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
I feel like a pair of curtains!
Pull yourself together man!
I've got a billiard ball stuck
up my arse!
Get on the end of the queue!
Everyone keeps ignoring me!
I feel like a pack of playing
Go over there I'll deal with you later!
From: Bobbyt's Place
A mom dad and baby tomato are walking down the street and
the baby starts to lag behind so the dad goes back and
smashes the baby and says "ketchup" -- Pulp Fiction
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground." -- Howard Burgess
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
U Neaq up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, you neaq up on it.
-- Jim Molinari and Sammy
If you have a bee in your hand,
what do you have in your eye?
BEAUTY is in the eye of the bee - holder. -- Meredith and John
What do you call a deer with
no eyes? No idea. (no eye dear)
What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
Still no idea. -- James Turner
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-10-08
When she told me I was average she was just being mean.
From: auntieg on 97-10-17
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing
several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning
the crime, getting in and out past security, he was
captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of
gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and
Then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh."
From: auntieg on 98-02-12
After reading this you are entitled to render a loud OY!
Unless you are like the dyslexic Rabbi who ran around
town hollering YO!
Subj: Two Weevils Grew Up (S216)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 3/15/2001
(Also see 'Two Weevils Grew Up' in BUGS, SPIDETS, ETC)
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to
Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed
behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of
Subj: Number Of Words (S183)
From: RFSlick on 7/31/00
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg Address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage:
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast
while in his home town for the holidays. After looking
over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict."
His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge
fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the
fancy plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate like
chrome for the hollandaise!"
From: humorlist-digest V2 #99 on 98-04-21
I have seven letters. The first two stand for a boy. The
first three stand for a girl. The first four stand for
a brave boy. But all of my letters stand for a brave
girl. What word am I? Answer backwards: enioreH
Men can read smaller print than
women can hear better.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
A good pun is its own reword.
From: smiles on 6/9/99
Webster's dictionary editors met to decide how to abridge
the new edition. "We are listing too many old words that
no one uses any more, they've gotta go," Said the chief
editor. "It's time we faced the fact that .... we can't
have archaic and edit too."
From: CHRISDADDYG on 3/15/2001 (S216)
And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to
friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
From: LABLaughs@LABLaughs.com on 6/21/2003
A definition is the enclosing a wilderness of idea within
a wall of words. -- Samuel Butler (1835 - 1902)
..........................TV falls from GIFs Rubrik.