Subj: Word Jokes2 - mostly puns
(Includes 59 jokes and articles, 13765,2,cf)
..........Click "Here" for Word Jokes-Supp
Waterfalls
from
Mike Shaikun's Animation
| >>>
Subj: Word Jokes2 - mostly puns (Includes 59 jokes and articles, 13765,2,cf) ..........Click "Here" for Word Jokes-Supp |
|
Waterfalls from Mike Shaikun's Animation |
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| Subj:
Mother Goose ? Grimm (S661b)
By Mike Peters From: Grimmy.com on 9/13/2009 |
 |
Drawing from
Mother Goose ? Grim Comics Page |
Click 'HERE' to read this cute comic strip.
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Subj: A Few
Tom Swifties (S537b)
From: edapsmas on 5/1/2007
"I think I'll get engaged", Tom proposed marryly.
"That's my favorite song", Tom said off the record.
"I'll have to make another pastry", Tom retorted.
"I love mathematics!!", Tom added.
"Look it's Free Willy!!", Tom wailed out.
"I dropped my toothpaste", Tom said crestfallen.
"I just got a pacemaker", Tom said half-heartedly.
"I couldn't perform!" Tom said limply.
"I'm not sure if I'm a homosexual", said Tom, half in Ernest.
From: Rich Canty
“Oh, No! It’s June 1st already,” said Tom, dismayed.
“I’ll be wearing my sheet to
the cross-burning tonight,”
whispered Tom, clandestinely.
“So much to do, and I don’t know
where to start,” said
Tom, listlessly.
“Do we know what kind of cigarette
this is?” asked
Tom, dubiously.
“Some drivers need to be shown
the bird,” said Tom,
flippantly.
“I want you to back up this boat
right now,” said
Tom, sternly.
“That’s it. I’m getting
a boob job tomorrow!” she
said, flatly.
“I just read that obesity causes
flatulence,” said
Tom, flabbergasted.
"How did I get so wet?" wondered Tom, mystified.
“Wow, your feet are really flat,”
said Tom, archly.
“And your skin is so rough,”
he added, callously.
From: BoysLife.org
on 4/6/2009 (S639b)
“I like camping,” Tom said intently.
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Subj: A Mime
In The Park (S653)
From: LABLaughsClean on 7/14/2009
I often go to the park to read
my paper on nice days.
The urban park that I
favor attracts a number of street
performers. One of these,
a Mime attracted my attention.
Every day he went through exactly
the same routine. It
didn't matter who was watching
or how the audience
reacted, nothing could make
this guy vary his motions
or break character. Finally
my curiosity got the better
of me.
I waited until he was leaving
that night to approach him
and ask why he repeated the
same routine over and over.
Nothing, he wouldn't break character
or talk to me as he
walked out of the park and climbed
into a car a lady was
driving. Finally, several
weeks later I arrived at the
park early. Just as I
arrived I spotted the Mime kissing
his girl friend as he climbed
out of the car. In desperation
I ran over to the lady's car
before she could pull out
and asked her why her friend
repeated the same routine over
and over.
She listened to my question and
sadly shook her head. "I'm
sorry, but I'm afraid that I've
just got a one track Mime."
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Subj: Derivation
of Expressons (S210, DU)
From: RFSlick on 2/3/2001
1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses
were secured on bed
frames by ropes. When you pulled
on the ropes the mattress
tightened, making the bed firmer
to sleep on. That's
where the phrase, "goodnight,
sleep tight" came from.
2. The sentence "The quick brown
fox jumps over the lazy
dog." Uses every letter in the
alphabet. (developed by
Western Union to test telex/twx
communications.)
3. The Main Library at Indiana
University sinks over an
inch every year because when
it was built, engineers failed
to take into account the weight
of all the books that would
occupy the building.
4. The term "the whole 9 yards"
came from W.W.II fighter
pilots in the Pacific.
When arming their airplanes on the
ground, the ..50 caliber machine
gun ammo belts measured
exactly 27 feet, before being
loaded into the fuselage.
If the pilots fired all their
ammo at a target, it got
"the whole 9 yards."
5. The phrase "rule of thumb"
is derived from an old
English law which stated that
you couldn't beat your wife
with anything wider than your
thumb.
6. The name Jeep came from the
abbreviation used in the
army for the "General Purpose"
vehicle, GP.
7. The first toilet ever seen
on television was on "Leave
It To Beaver."
8. It was the accepted practice
in Babylon 4,000 years
ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father
would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could
drink. Mead is a honey
beer, and because their calendar
was lunar based, this period
was called the "honey month"
or what we know today as the
"honeymoon."
9. In English pubs, ale is ordered
by pints and quarts.
So in old England, when customers
got unruly, the bartender
would yell at them to mind their
own pints and quarts and
settle down. It's where we get
the phrase "mind your P's
and Q's."
10. Many years ago in England,
pub frequenters had a
whistle baked into the rim or
handle of their ceramic cups.
When they needed a refill, they
used the whistle to get
some service. "Wet your whistle,"
is the phrase inspired
by this practice.
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Subj: Humorous
Definitions (S207, DU)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 1/17/2001
(See 'New Definitions
For Old Words'
and 'New Words For 2001'
and 'New Words For 2002'
and 'Definitions for
The New Year!' in ENGLISH)
ADULT: A person who has stopped
growing at both ends and
is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where
women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed
up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures
you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps
minutes and wastes hours.
(See 'Definition
Of A Committee' in JOB-STUFF-SUPP)
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed
out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually
me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never
tell a lie if the truth
will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in
half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes
you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to
one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives
you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest
labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly
expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people
have. You have character lines.
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Subj: Chevy
Nova Awards (S163, DU)
From: JCary on 3/6/00
These are the nominees for the
Chevy Nova Award. This is
given out in honor of the GM's
fiasco in trying to market
this car in Central and South
America. "No va" means, of
course, in Spanish, "it doesn't
go".
1. The Dairy Association's
huge success with the campaign
"Got Milk?" prompted them to
expand advertising to Mexico.
It was soon brought to their
attention the Spanish translation
read "Are you lactating?"
2. Coors put its slogan,
"Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where
it was read as "Suffer From
Diarrhea."
3. Scandinavian vacuum
manufacturer Electrolux used the
following in an American campaign:
"Nothing sucks like an
Electrolux."
4. Clairol introduced the
"Mist Stick," a curling iron, into
Germany only to find out that
"mist" is slang for manure.
Not too many people had use
for the "Manure Stick."
5. When Gerber started
selling baby food in Africa, they
used the same packaging as in
the US, with the smiling baby
on the label. Later they
learned that in Africa, companies
routinely put pictures on the
labels of what's inside, since
many people can't read.
6. Colgate introduced a
toothpaste in France called Cue, the
name of a notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt
maker in Miami printed shirts for the
Spanish market which promoted
the Pope's visit. Instead of "I
saw the Pope" (el Papa), the
shirts read "I Saw the Potato"
(la papa).
8. Pepsi's "Come Alive
With the Pepsi Generation" translated
into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors
Back >From the Grave" in
Chinese.
9. The Coca-Cola name in
China was first read as "Kekoukela",
meaning "Bite the wax tadpole"
or "female horse stuffed with
wax", depending on the dialect.
Coke then researched 40,000
characters to find a phonetic
equivalent "kokou kole",
translating into "happiness
in the mouth"
10. Frank Perdue's chicken
slogan, "It takes a strong man to
make a tender chicken" was translated
into Spanish as "it takes
an aroused man to make a chicken
affectionate."
11. When Parker Pen marketed
a ball-point pen in Mexico, its
ads were supposed to have read,
"It won't leak in your pocket
and embarrass you." The company
thought that the word "embarazar"
(to impregnate) meant to embarrass,
so the ad read: "It won't
leak in your pocket and make
you pregnant!"
12. When American Airlines
wanted to advertise its new leather
first class seats in the Mexican
market, it translated its "Fly
In Leather" campaign literally,
which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela
en cuero) in Spanish!
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Subj: Old
Words With New Meanings (S161, DU)
From: smiles on 2/29/00
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\
: A cook that leaves Arby's
to work at McDonald's
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ : What a bullfighter tries to do
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ : Where some hemlines fall
Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ : The act of torching a mortgage
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ : What a crook sees with
Control \kon'-trol\ : A short, ugly inmate
Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\
: Workers who put together
kitchen cabinets
Eclipse \ee-klips' \ : What a Cockney barber does for a living
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ : A clumsy ophthalmologist
Heroes \hee-rhos' \ : What a guy in a boat does
Left Bank \left' bangk' \ : What
the robber did when his bag
was full of loot
Misty \mis-tee' \ : How golfers create divots
Paradox \par'-u-doks' \ : Two physicians
Parasites \par'-ih-sites' \:
What you see from the
top of the EiffelTower
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ : A helper on the farm
Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ : What penguins see with
Primate \pri'-mate' \ : Removing
your spouse from in
front of the TV
Relief \ree-leef' \ : What trees do in the spring
Selfish \sel'-fish' \ : What
the owner of a seafood
store does
Subdued \sub-dood' \ : Like,
a guy who, like, works on
one of those, like,
submarines, man
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ : Brought
litigation against a
government official
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Subj: Potatoes
(S158, S765)
From: smiles on 02/08/2000
and
From: virv on 9/11/2011
(Also
see 'Irish
Potatoe Marries Idaho Spud' in Irish2)
You know that all potatoes have
eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs.
Potato had eyes for each other
and they finally got married
and had a little one a real
SWEET POTATO whom they called
"YAM." They wanted the
best for little Yam, telling her
all about the facts of life.
They warned her about going
out and getting half baked because
she could get Mashed,
get a bad name like Hot Potato,
and then end up with a bunch
of Tater Tots.
She said not to worry -- no Mr.
McSpud would get her in the
sack and make a Rotten Potato
out of her! But she couldn't
stay home and become a Couch
Potato either. She would get
plenty of food and exercise
so as not to be skinny like her
Shoestring cousins.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told
her about going off to Europe
and to watch out for the Hard
Boiled guys from Ireland and
even the greasy guys from France
called the French Fries.
They also said she should watch
out for the Indians when going
out west because she could get
scalloped.
She told them she would stay
on the straight and narrow and
wouldn't associate with those
high class Blue Belles or the
ones from the other side of
the tracks who advertise their
trade on all the trucks you
see around town that say Frito-Lay.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato wanted the
best for Yam, so they sent her to
"Idaho U." - that's Potato University
- where the Big Potatoes
come from and when she graduated,
she'd really be in the Chips.
But one day she came home and
said she was going to marry Tom
Brokaw. Mr. and Mrs. Potato
were very upset and said she could
not marry him because he's just
a ... COMMON TATER !
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Subj: Word
Change Contest (S150, DU)
From: KMacinty on 12/13/1999
The Washington Post's Style Invitational
asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting,
or changing one letter, and
supply a new definition. Here are
some recent winners.
1) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
2) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation
about yourself for the
purpose of getting laid.
3) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
4) Sarchasm: The gulf
between the author of sarcastic wit
and the person who doesn't get it.
5) Inoculatte: To take
coffee intravenously when you are
running late.
6) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
7) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
8) Karmageddon: It's like,
when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then,
like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.
9) Glibido: All talk and no action.
10) Dopeler effect: The
tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.
11) Intaxication: Euphoria
at getting a tax refund, which
lasts until you realize it was your money
to start with.
12) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
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Subj: Husband
Pays To Have Wife Killed (S126b, S636c)
From: RFSlick on 6/7/99
and
From: ginafm on 3/13/2009
Tired of constantly being broke,
and stuck in an unhappy marriage,
a young husband decided to solve
both problems by taking out a
large insurance policy on his
wife (with himself as the bene-
ficiary), and arranging to have
her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him
in touch with a nefarious under-
world figure, who went by the
name of Artie". Artie explained
to the husband that his going
price for snuffing out a spouse
was $5,000. The husband
said he was willing to pay that amount,
but that he wouldn't have any
cash on hand until he could collect
his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid
SOMETHING up front. The man opened
up his wallet, displaying the
single dollar bill that rested
inside. Artie sighed,
rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to
accept the dollar as down payment
for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed
the man's wife to the local
Safeway grocery store.
There, he surprised her in the produce
department, and proceeded to
strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman
drew her last breath and slumped
to the floor, the manager of
the produce department stumbled
unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses
behind, Artie had no choice
but to strangle the produce
manager as well. Unknown to Artie,
the entire proceedings were
captured by hidden cameras and
observed by the store's security
guard, who immediately called
the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at
the police station, Artie revealed
the sordid plan, including his
financial arrangements with the
hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day
in the newspaper, the headline
declared
(You're going to hate me for
this)
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY."
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Subj: Ghandi
Pun (S100)
From: Anaise on 98-12-29
(Also see 'Mahatma
Gandhi' in ASIA)
Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere,
to the point that his
feet became quite thick and
hard. Even when he wasn't on
a hunger strike, he did not
eat much and became quite thin
and frail. He also was quite
a spiritual person. Further-
more, due to his diet, he ended
up with very bad breath.
(wait for it, I feel a pun coming
on)
He became known as a super-calloused
fragile mystic plagued
with halitosis.
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Subj: Do You
Recognize These Adages? (S99)
From: auntieg on 98-12-15
Do you recognize these well known
adages?
-----------------------------------------
1. All articles that coruscate
with resplendence are not
truly auriferous.
ANS: All that
Glitters is not Gold.
2. Sorting on the part of mendicants
must be interdicted.
ANS: Beggars
cannot be choosers.
3. Male cadavers are incapable
of rendering any testimony.
ANS: Dead
men tell no tales.
4. Neophite's serendipity.
ANS: Beginner's
luck
5. A revolving lithic conglomerate
accumulates no
congeries
of small, green, biophytic plant.
ANS: A Rolling
Stone gathers no Moss.
6. Individuals who make their
abodes in vitreous edifices
would be
advised to refrain from catapulting petrious
projectiles.
ANS: Those
who live Glass Houses should cast no stones.
7. Members of an avian species
of identical plumage tend
to congregate.
ANS: Birds
of a feather flock together.
8. Pulchritude possesses solely
cutaneous profundity.
ANS: Beauty
is only skin-deep.
9. Freedom from incrustations
of crime is contiguous to
rectitude.
ANS: Cleanliness
is next to Godliness.
10. It is fruitless to become
lachrymose of precipitately
departed
lacteal fluid.
ANS: Don't
cry over Spilt Milk.
11. Where there are visible vapors
having their provenance in
ignited carbonaceous
materials, there is conflagration.
ANS: Where
there is smoke, there will be fire.
12. Eschew the implement of correction
and vitiate the scion.
ANS: Spare
the Rod and Spoil the Child.
13. The stylus is more potent
than the rapier.
ANS: The Pen is Mightier
than the Sword.
14. It is fruitless to attempt
to indoctrinate a
superannuated
canine with innovative maneuvers.
ANS: You cant
teach an Old Dog new Tricks.
15. Surveillance should precede
saltation.
ANS: Look
before you leap.
16. Scintillate, scintillate,
asteroid minim.
(not a proverb)
ANS: Twinkle
twinkle little star
17. The person presenting the
ultimate cachinnation
possesses
thereby the optimal cachinnation.
ANS: One who
laughs the last, laughs the best.
18. Exclusive dedication to necessitous
chores without
interludes
of hedonistic diversion renders John a
hebetudinous
fellow.
ANS: All work and No Play makes Jack (?) a Dull boy.
\\\//
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Subj: The
Hills Have A Car Accident In Transylvania (S298b, Du)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #262 on 98-10-31
and
From: pns on 10/13/2002
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty,
were vacationing in Europe,
as it happens, near Transylvania.
They were driving in a
rental car along a rather deserted
highway. It was late,
and raining very hard.
Bob could barely see 10 feet in
front of the car. Suddenly
the car skids out of control!
Bob attempts to control the
car, but to no avail! The car
swerves and smashes into a
tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his
head to clear the fog. Dazed,
he looks over at the passenger
seat and sees his new wife
unconscious, with her head bleeding!
Despite the rain and
unfamiliar countryside, Bob
knows he has to carry her to the
nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife
up and begins trudging down the
road. After a short while,
he sees a light. He heads
towards the light, which is
coming from an old, large house.
He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small,
hunched man opens the door. Bob
immediately blurts, "Hello,
my name is Bob Hill, and this
is my wife Betty. We've
been in a terrible accident, and
my wife has been seriously hurt.
Can I please use your phone??
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback,
"but we don't have a
phone. My master is a
doctor; come in and I will get him."
Bob brings his wife in.
An elegant man comes down the
stairs. "I'm afraid my
assistant may have misled you. I
am not a medical doctor; I am
a scientist. However, it is
many miles to the nearest clinic,
and I have had a basic
medical training. I will
see what I can do. Igor, bring
them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty
and carries her downstairs,
with Bob following closely.
Igor places Betty on a table
in the lab. Bob collapses
from exhaustion and his own
injuries, so Igor places Bob
on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's
master looks worried.
"things are serious, Igor.
Prepare a transfusion." Igor
and his master work feverishly,
but to no avail. Bob and
Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's
master greatly. Wearily,
he climbs the steps to his conservatory,
which houses his
pipe organ. For it is
here that he has always found solace.
He begins to play, and a stirring,
almost haunting, melody
fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the
lab tidying up. As the
music fills the lab, his eyes
catch movement, and he notices
the fingers on Betty Hill's
hand twitch. Stunned, he
watches as Bob's arm begins
to rise! He is furthur amazed
as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he
dashes up the stairs to the
conservatory. He bursts
in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master!.......The Hills
are alive with the sound
of music!"
\\\//
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Subj: Doctor's
Word Riddle (DU)
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/23/2003
What's so peculiar about this sentence?
I do not know where family doctors
acquired illegibly
perplexing handwriting; nevertheless,
extraordinary
pharmaceutical intellectuality,
counterbalancing
indecipherability, transcendentalizes
intercommunications'
incomprehensibleness.
x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x
ANSWER
Each word in the sentence is "one letter
longer" than the
word before it!
\\\//
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Subj: Riddle
(DU)
From: abey on 02/25/98
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
! ^^
!I look for myself !"Every artist is a cannibal! This
box !
! OO__
!I don't know who am I!Every poet is a thief
! has been !
! / , \
!When I find me !All kill their inspiration
! intenti- !
! / __\/ !This
riddle is a lie !And sing about the grief" ! onally !
!_/ /
!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! left !
! /
!Who am I? ! Abraham Grief
! blank. !
! / dinosaur!
! abey@cs.ucr.edu !!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
\\\//
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Subj: Semi-short
Jokes
From: ipkis on 97-08-30
Once upon a time there was a
young entrepreneur named Tates
who wanted to go into business
for himself. He decided that
he would mass produce a hiker's
compass.
Being on a limited budget, Tates
figured he would be able to
make more money if he spent
most of his budget on advertising
and only a minimal amount on
the compass production. His
idea worked--all hikers in the
country were buying his
inexpensive compass.
After a few months, however,
the compasses started to break
because of the poor quality,
which led to the following
national slogan: "He who
has a Tates is lost."
------------------------------------------------------------
(S624c)
In the year 356 BC, Philip of
Macedonia and his wife Olympias
were about to become the proud
parents of a baby boy. It had
been foretold that the child
would grow up to become a famous
leader and warrior. The
night before the child was born, a
voice spoke to Philip in a dream.
"Arise, go out into the streets
and seek a most mysterious
sign. When you behold
evidence that nocturnal birds of prey
have begun nesting underground
in the city's drainage system,
the name by which your illustrious
son will be known for all
time will be revealed to you."
Philip awoke, told his wife about
the voice and quickly went
out to seek the sign.
After a short while he returned.
"Well tell me", said Olympias, "did you see anything?"
"Yes, owl eggs under the grate!"
-------------------------------------------------------------
(DU)
A group of guys used to get
together once a week to play
poker. Well, one of the
guys died; but his ghost continued
to join in the poker games as
before. On one of these
evenings, the ghost got five
beautiful hearts in his very
first hand, and he bet his stack.
Unfortunately, one of the flesh-and-blood
players had a
full house and raked in the
pot -- another case where the
spirit was willing but the flush
was weak.
-------------------------------------------------------------
(DU)
A man and his wife are on vacation
on a remote Caribbean
island. The man is lying
under a palm tree relaxing in the
shade when his wife walks over.
"Honey," she says, "let's go
snorkeling now. There are many
fascinating sea creatures for
us to see."
To this he replies, "With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"
--------------------------------------------------------------
(S624b)
A man is fishing by the bank
of a river. As he made a cast
with his pole his billfold fell
out of his pocket and went into
the water. He thought
that all of his valuables were lost
forever, but just then to his
amazement a fish bounced the
billfold off his nose to another
fish, and after several passes
back and forth the billfold
landed on the ground next to him.
He was astounded. He had never before seen Carp to Carp Walleting.
---------------------------------------------------------------
(DU)
Two clones were standing on
the edge of the Grand Canyon, one of
them cursing wildly. The
other one, tired of hearing all the
profanity, pushed the cursing
one into the Canyon. The police
were called and immediately
arrested the survivor. He was
charged with making and obscene
clone fall.
----------------------------------------------------------------
(DU)
An elephant was drinking out
of a river one day, when he spotted
a turtle asleep on a log.
So, he ambled on over and kicked it
clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?", asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the
same turtle that took a nip out
of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".
-----------------------------------------------------------------
(DU)
A boy was bagging groceries
at a supermarket. One day the store
installed a machine for squeezing
fresh orange juice. Intrigued,
the young man asked if he could
be allowed to work the machine,
but his request was denied.
Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
Subj: Short
'Word' Jokes
 |
Subj:
Shoe Comic Strip (S702b)
By Chris Cassatt and Gary Brookins From: WashingtonPost.com on 6/21/2010 |
Top
Subj: Googlism
(S362)
From: igiggle on 12/29/2003
This is amazing. Find
out what Google thinks about you
(or anything else). Go
to http://www.googlism.com
Top
Subj: Daily
Words Used By Men And Women (S355)
From: DoctorDebt on 11/15/2003
A husband read an article to
his wife about how many words
women use a day..... 30,000
to a man's 15,000 words. The
wife replied, "The reason has
to be because a woman has to
say everything twice."
The husband then turned to his
wife and asked, "What?"
Top
Subj: The
Definition of 'Normal' (S329)
From: joke-of-the-day.com on 5/20/2003
Normal is getting dressed in
clothes that you buy for work
and driving through traffic
in a car that you are still
paying for - in order to get
to the job you need to pay
for the clothes and the car,
and the house you leave vacant
all day so you can afford to
live in it. -- Ellen Goodman
Top
Subj: Three
Words Ending in "gry" (S238)
From: mombear1 on 8/21/2001
There are three words in the
english language that end in
"gry".
ONE is angry and the other is
hungry. EveryONE knows what
the third ONE means and what
it stands for. EveryONE uses
them everyday, and if you listened
very carefully, I've
given you the third word.
What is it? __________gry?
Gayle Heckman sent me a great
'Word Puzzle' reference at
http://www.puzzlers.org/puzlinks.htm.
I found the answer
with in two minutes to the above
puzzle.
I went to
A Collection of Word Oddities
and Trivia at
http://members.aol.com/gulfhigh2/words.html
I went to Part 1 at
http://members.aol.com/gulfhigh2/words1.html
ANHUNGRY is one answer to the
question, "What's the other
word besides 'angry' and
'hungry' that ends in 'gry'?"
This is the most frequently
asked question of the editors
of Merriam-Webster. Actually,
"angry" and "hungry" are the
only two words in common use
ending in -gry, but quite a
few obsolete or obscure words
can be found in unabridged
dictionaries. Among them are
ANHUNGRY, used by Shakespeare.
Top
Subj: Renting
A House (S134)
From: smiles on 8/24/99
All afternoon a real
estate agent had been showing a young
couple empty houses. The ones
they loathed always seemed to
be available, but others had
snapped up the ones that struck
their fancy invariable.
Finally they came to a house at the
very edge of town and fell in
love with it.
"Please," they begged,
"tell us that this one we can have."
"It's yours," beamed
the agent. ... "It's last but not leased!"
Top
Subj: Famous
Last Words (S130, S624)
From: PGSP4LIFE on 7/28/99
* This will be a short meeting.
* You can put it together yourself
in five minutes.
* One slice of pizza won't blow
my diet.
* You'll housebreak him in no
time at all.
* They'll feel terrific once
you break them in.
* Of course bring the kids!
* Believe me, NOBODY'S dressing
up!
Top
Subj: Perfectly
Painful Puns (S216)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-23
l. What do you get when you toss
a hand grenade into a
kitchen in France?
Linoleum blownapart.
2. A city in Alaska passed a
law outlawing all dogs.
It became known
as Dogless Fairbanks.
3. Which famous golfer loves to drink wine? Litre Vino.
4. A man goes to a dermatologist
with a rare skin disease.
The doctor says,
"Try a milk bath." So the guy goes to
the grocery store
and tells the dairy manager he needs
enough milk to
take a bath. The dairy guy asks, "You
want that pasteurized?
"Nah," the man replies, "Up to
my chin should
do it."
5. What's the difference between
an angry circus owner and
a Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other
is a shaving Roman.
6. In ancient Rome, deli workers
were told that they could
eat enything they
wanted during the lunch hour. Any-
thing, that is,
except the smoked salmon. Thus were
created the world's
first anti-lox breaks.
7. Did you hear about the red
ship and the blue ship that
collided?
Both crews were marooned.
8. Why did the maharishi refuse
novocaine when he had his
teeth pulled?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
9. Did you hear about the two
men from the monastery who
opened a fast-food
seafood restaurant? One was the
fish friar, the
other was the chip monk.
Top
Subj: Two
Eskimos (S610c)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-10-08
and
From: hellgunner50 on 9/16/2008
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak
were chilly, but when they
lit a fire in the boat it sank
-- proving once and
for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it, too.
Top
Subj: Microsoft
'Word' Oddities I (S33)
From: Scott's Joke Archive 0n 5/31/97
(See 'World
Trade Center ? Word' in NEW_YORKER)
Apparently, someone at Microsoft
has a sense of humor...
If you run Microsoft Word 6.0
or 7.0, type "zzzz" in a
document. Run the spell
checker. You will be surprised
at the suggestion that the dictionary
provides as the
correct spelling. It does not
work for "zzz" or "zzzzz".
Top
Subj: Microsoft
'Word' Oddities II (S82)
From: RFSlick on 98-08-25
1. Open a new document in Word
2. Type "Unable to follow directions"
(without the quotes)
3. Highlight the entire sentence
you just typed
4. Hit shift-F7 for the thesaurus
What is the longest word typed
by only one hand?
"Stewardesses" is the longest
word that is typed with
only the left hand.
How many English words end in
"-dous?"
There are only four words in
the English language which end in
"-dous": tremendous,
horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
What is the only English word
to end in "mt."
"Dreamt" is the only English
word that ends in the letters "mt."
What is the longest one-syllable
word in the English language?
The longest one-syllable word
in the English language is "screeched."
I feel like a pair of curtains!
Pull yourself together man!
I've got a billiard ball stuck
up my arse!
Get on the end of the queue!
Everyone keeps ignoring me!
Next please!
I feel like a pack of playing
cards!
Go over there I'll deal with
you later!
From: Bobbyt's Place
A mom dad and baby tomato are
walking down the street and
the baby starts to lag behind
so the dad goes back and
smashes the baby and says "ketchup"
-- Pulp Fiction
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like
mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
-- Howard Burgess
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
U Neaq up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, you neaq up on it.
-- Jim Molinari and Sammy
If you have a bee in your hand,
what do you have in your eye?
BEAUTY is in the eye of the
bee - holder. -- Meredith and John
What do you call a deer with
no eyes? No idea. (no eye dear)
What do you call a deer with
no legs and no eyes?
Still no idea. --
James Turner
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-10-08
When she told me I was average
she was just being mean.
From: auntieg on 97-10-17
Recently a guy in Paris nearly
got away with stealing
several paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning
the crime, getting in and out
past security, he was
captured only 2 blocks away
when his Econoline ran out of
gas. When asked how he
could mastermind such a crime and
Then make such an obvious error,
he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh."
From: auntieg on 98-02-12
After reading this you are entitled
to render a loud OY!
Unless you are like the dyslexic
Rabbi who ran around
town hollering YO!
Top
Subj: Two
Weevils Grew Up (S216)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 3/15/2001
(Also see 'Two Weevils Grew Up'
in BUGS, SPIDETS, ETC)
Two boll weevils grew up in
South Carolina. One went to
Hollywood and became a famous
actor. The other stayed
behind in the cotton fields
and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became
known as the lesser of
two weevils.
Top
Subj: Number
Of Words (S183)
From: RFSlick on 7/31/00
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg Address: 286
words.
The Declaration of Independence:
1,300 words.
The US Government regulations
on the sale of cabbage:
26,911 words.
-=-
(S216)
This guy goes into a restaurant
for a Christmas breakfast
while in his home town for the
holidays. After looking
over the menu he says, "I'll
just have the eggs Benedict."
His order comes a while later
and it's served on a huge
fancy chrome plate. He
asks the waiter, "What's with the
fancy plate?" The waiter
replies, "There's no plate like
chrome for the hollandaise!"
From: humorlist-digest V2 #99 on 98-04-21
I have seven letters. The first
two stand for a boy. The
first three stand for a girl.
The first four stand for
a brave boy. But all of
my letters stand for a brave
girl. What word am I?
Answer backwards: enioreH
Men can read smaller print than
women;
women can hear better.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
(S216)
A good pun is its own reword.
From: smiles on 6/9/99
Webster's dictionary editors
met to decide how to abridge
the new edition. "We are
listing too many old words that
no one uses any more, they've
gotta go," Said the chief
editor. "It's time we faced
the fact that .... we can't
have archaic and edit too."
From: CHRISDADDYG on 3/15/2001 (S216)
And finally, there was a man
who sent ten different puns to
friends, in the hope that at
least one of the puns would
make them laugh. Unfortunately,
no pun in ten did.
From: LABLaughs@LABLaughs.com on 6/21/2003
(S334b)
A definition is the enclosing
a wilderness of idea within
a wall of words. -- Samuel
Butler (1835 - 1902)
\\\//
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TV falls from
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