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Subj:     Christmas1 Jokes
                 (Includes 24 jokes and articles, 02991n,11,cf,wXT2a,6)

Globe
from
The Teachers Lounge
  Includes the following: Rudolph's Grades - Cartoon (S932)
.........................Seinfeld's 'The Festivus' Skit (S934)
.........................John Lewis Christmas Advent - Video (S933)
.........................A Box of Kisses (S177, S777)
.........................A Beautiful Christmas Card - Video (S463)
.........................Lovable Louise (S150, S777)
.........................We Wish You A Merry Christmas - Video (S569, S829)
.........................Secret To A Good Marriage (S463)
.........................Drabble Comic Strip (S987)
.........................The Story Of Rudolph (S462)
.........................White Trash Christmas - SWF Video (S464b)
.........................Christmas Mistake (S303, DU)
.........................Find A Panda Among Snowmen - Drawing (S986)
.........................Guy Christmas (S468, DU)
.........................Redneck Rockwell Christmas (S517b)
.........................No Obligation Season's Greetings (S465b, DU)
.........................New Year Resolutions For Internet Junkies (S104)
.........................Christmas Warning Cone - Photo (S879)
.........................Pyschological Christmas Carols (S07)
.........................Christmas Puns (S99)
.........................EDEKA's Supermarket Jingle Bells - Video (S933)
.........................Season's Greetings (S96)
.........................Kid Gets Bike For Christmas (S03, S829)
.........................Chemistree - Photo (S880)
 

Also see ASIAN-CHINESE- 'Chinese Kaleidoscope Christmas Tree' Video
         BALLS file   - 'SNL Schweaty Balls'
         BARBIE file  - 'Barbie's Letter To Santa:'
         BASKETBALL   - 'NBA Christmas Carol By Dribbling' - Video
         BIRDS-PARROT - 'The Christmas Bird'
         BREAST file  - 'Kinds Of Breasts And Penises'
         BROTHERS file- 'Two Brothers At Christmas'
         CARS-SUPP3   - 'Chuck Norris' Christmas Splits' - Video
         CAT2 file    - 'Christmas Cat Poetry'
         CHEMISTRY    - 'The Chemistry Teacher's Coming to Town'
         COMPUTERS3   - 'Programmer's Night Before Christmas'
......................- 'Twas The Night Before 2000'
......................- 'Abort, Retry, Ignore Poem'
         DENTIST file - 'Dentist Makes A New Upper Plate'
         EBONICS file - 'Ebonics Night Before Christmas'
         FACTS2 file  - 'Working Christmas Eve'
......................- 'Exchanging A Pair Of Pants'
......................- 'My Christmas Photo'
         FACTS4 file  - 'New Years Day Trivia'
         FAIRY-TALES  - 'The Three Little Pigs At Christmas' - Video
         FAMOUS PEOPL1- 'Marv Albert Theme Song'
         Food file    - 'Dieters Night Before Christmas'
......................- 'Holiday Party Kit!'
.........GRAVEYARD    - 'Arlington At Christmas'
         HARLEY file  - 'Harley Christmas Stockings' - Photo
         HEAD-ADS-SUPP- 'Ronald Reagan's Chesterfield Ads'
         HEAVEN1 file - 'Three Men Die On Christmas'
         JESUS file   - 'O Come, Emmanuel - Christmas Version - ThePianoGuys' - Vid
......................- 'The Digital Story Of The Nativity' - Video
         JEWISH1 file - 'Adam Sandler Sings "The Hanukkah Song"' - Video
         JEWISH3 file - 'Christmas Vs. Chanukah'
......................- 'The Night Before Chanukah'
......................- 'Second The Night Before Chanukah'
         JOBS3 file   - 'Pack It In! Happy New Year!'
         JUDGE file   - 'Nativity In Washington DC'
......................- 'Woman Arrested For Christmas Lights'
         MAILMAN-ETC  - 'U.S. Mail Vs Dogs'
         MARRIAGE-SUPP- 'Couple Christmas Shops At The Mall'
         MEXICAN file - 'The Night Before Christmas, Tex-Mex Vers.'
         MOVIES_ETC-SP- 'Celebrity Christmas Voices'
         NATIONAL file- 'The Whole World As 100 People' (for New Years)
         NEW YEARS    - 'To All My Democratic Friends:'
         PLANE1 file  - 'Stealth, Night Before Christmas'
         PLANE-SUPP2  - 'WestJet Christmas Miracle' - Video
         POLITICAL2   - 'Ghosts of Christmas Pres(id)ent'
         PROFESSOR    - 'Professor Santa Claus'
         PUSSY file   - 'Christmas Tree Decorations'
         REDNECK3     - 'Twas A Redneck Christmas'
......................- 'Redneck Nativity Scene'
......................- 'Twas The Night After Christmas
         RELIGION1    - 'PMS In The Bible'
         RUSSIAN file - 'A Weather Man Named Rudolf'
         SANTA file   -  (the whole joke file)
         SOLDIER-SUPP2- 'Bob Hope's Christmas w/Troops' - Video
         SCHOOL1 file - 'Presents For The Teacher'
         SCIENCE1 file- 'Night Before Christmas,Scientifically Explained'
         STAR WARS I  - 'Star Wars Christmas'
         Tear-Jerker2 - 'My First Christmas In Heaven'
......................- 'A White Envelope On The Christmas Tree'
         THANKSGIVING - 'Twas The Night Of Thanksgiving'
......................- 'Woman Gets Tattooed On Her Thigh'
         TRAIN file   - 'The Most Beautiful Train In The World' - Video
         TREES file   - 'Blondie Comic Strip'
......................- 'What Do You Hear?'

CHRISTMAS1 contains general Christmas jokes
CHRISTMAS2 includes 'Twelve Days of Christmas' jokes
CHRISTMAS3 contains 'Night Before Christmas' jokes
ChristmAS4 contains general Christmas jokes
============================================================Top
Subj:     Rudolph's Grades - Cartoon (S932)
          Drawn by Mark Parisi on 12/18/2009
          From: George Takei on Facebook
Source: http://www.gocomics.com/offthemark/2009/12/18
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Top
Subj:.....Seinfeld's 'The Festivus' Skit (S934d)
          From: Marge Pearson on Facebook
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/dS7-jcsB_WQ

 The Festivus story is part of 'SEINFELD S09E10 The Strike
 - Season 9 - Episode 10.'  Click 'HERE' to see this
 wonderful Seinfeld skit.

Top
Subj:     John Lewis Christmas Advent (S933d)
          Published by: John Lewis
Photo from YouTube.com
 Source1: http://www.youtube.com/embed/iccscUFY860
 Source2: http://womanfreebies.com/videos/meet-monty-the-penguin/

 This year's advert tells the story of a little boy, Sam,
 and his best friend, Monty The Penguin.  This is a tale
 of friendship, love and giving someone the gift they've
 been dreaming of this Christmas. Click 'HERE' to see
 this very cute Christmas story.

Top
Subj:     A Box of Kisses (S177, SS777)
          From: RFSlick on 6/18/00
      and From: Joke-of-the-Day.com on 4/16/2007

 The story goes that some time ago, a man punished his
 3-year old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping
 paper.  Money was tight and he became infuriated when
 the child tried to decorate a box to put under the
 Christmas tree.   Nevertheless, the little girl brought
 the gift to her father the next morning and said, "This
 is for you, Daddy."  He was embarrassed by his earlier
 overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found
 the box was empty.  He yelled at her, "Don't you know
 when you give someone a present, there's supposed to be
 something inside it?"

 The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes
 and said, "Oh Daddy, it's not empty.  I blew kisses into
 the box.  All for you, Daddy."  The father was crushed.
 He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged
 for her forgiveness.

 An accident took the life of the child only a short time
 later and it is told that the man kept that gold box by
 his bed for many years and whenever he was discouraged,
 he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love
 of the child who had put it there.

 In a very real sense, each of us as humans, have been
 given a gold container filled with unconditional love
 and kisses from our children, friends, family and God.
 There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.

Top
Subj:     A Beautiful Christmas Card (S463d)
          Made by Ashland University
          From: darrell94590 on 12/5/2005
 Source: (Removed from 198.30.217.62/2001admission)

 This interactive video is quite pleasant.  It has good
 graphics and music.  You can see it by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Lovable Louise (S150, S777)
          From: KMacinty on 12/16/1999
      and From: hilary.miller05 on 12/18/2011

 As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over
 his fireplace before Christmas.  He said all he wanted was for
 Santa to fill them.  What they say about Santa checking the
 list twice must be true because every Christmas morning,
 although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor panty
 hose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare.

 One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sun-
 glasses and a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable
 love doll.  Of course, they don't sell those things at Walmart.
 I had to go to  an adult bookstore downtown.  If you've never
 been in an X-rated store, don't go.  You'll only confuse your-
 self.  I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What
 does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who owns  that?" "Do you
 have their phone number?"

 Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to
 buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of
 romance that  could also substitute as a passenger in my truck
 so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. I'm not sure
 what a complicated doll is.  Perhaps one that is subject to
 wild mood shifts and using a French accent for no reason at all.
 (That also describes a few ex-girlfriends.)  Finding what I
 wanted  was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models.
 The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
 things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.  I figured
 the "vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could live without, so I
 settled for Lovable Louise.  She was at the bottom of the price
 scale.  To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

 On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise
 came to life.  My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly
 left the front door key hidden under the mat.  In the wee morn-
 ing hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I snuck into the
 house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant
 legs and bottom.  I also ate some cookies and drank what
 remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.  Then I let myself
 out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

 The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to
 his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but
 had left the dog confused.  He would bark, start to walk away,
 then come back and bark some more. I suggested he purchase an
 inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight.  We also agreed that
 Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family
 could admire her when they came over for the traditional
 Christmas dinner.  It seemed like a great idea, except that we
 forgot that Grandma and Grandpa would be there.

 My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
 "What the hell is that?" she asked.

 My brother quickly explained.  "It's a doll."

 "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.  I
 had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where
 are her clothes?"  Granny continued.  I hadn't seen any in the
 box, but I kept this information to myself.  "Boy, that turkey
 sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into
 the dining room. But Granny was relentless.

 "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"  Again, I could have answered,
 but why would I?  It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in
 the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on  Granny, Hang on!"

 My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled
 up to me and said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
 I told him  she was Jay's friend.  A few minutes later I noticed
 Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.  Not just talking, but
 actually flirting.  It was then that we realized this might be
 Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

 The dinner went well.  We made the usual small talk about who
 had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly
 Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the
 bathroom in the morning.  The she lurched from the panty hose,
 flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the
 sofa.

 The cat  screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose,
 and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
 administering mouth to mouth resuscitation.  My brother wet his
 pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the
 room, and sat in the car.  It was indeed a Christmas to
 treasure and remember.

 Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examin-
 ation to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.  We discovered
 that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her
 right thigh.  Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
 tape, we restored her to perfect health.  Louise went on to
 star in several bachelor party movies.  I think Grandpa still
 calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

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Subj:     We Wish You A Merry Christmas (S569d, S829)
          From: tom on 12/15/2007
          (See 'Piano Balls' in Music-Supp)
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/MNjTceSGDeU

 On the Jay Leno's Tonight Show, Dan Menendez plays 'We Wish
 You A Merry Christmas' by bouncing tennis balls on a keyboard.
 Click 'HERE' to listen and be amazed.

Top
Subj:     Secret To A Good Marriage (S463)
          From: igiggle on 12/8/2005

 The secret to a good marriage?  Christmas ornaments, of course.
 According to a Bavarian custom called the "Bride's Tree," there
 are 12 special molded glass ornaments that newlyweds need to
 hang on their tree.  Each one reminds them of what's necessary
 for a successful relationship:

   Angel (God's Guidance)
   Bird (Joy)
   Fish (Christ's Blessing)
   Flower Basket (Good Wishes)
   Fruit Basket (Generosity)
   Heart (True Love)
   House (Protection)
   Pine Cone (Fruitfulness)
   Rabbit (Hope)
   Rose (Affection)
   Santa (Good Will)
   Teapot (Hospitality)

Top
Subj:     Drabble Comic Strip (S987)
          by Kevin Fagan on 12/23/2011
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/drabble/2011/12/23
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Top
Subj:     The Story Of Rudolph (S462)
          From: igiggle on 12/1/2005

 In 1939, Robert May, a copywriter for Montgomery Ward, was
 asked to write a Christmas poem for the holiday season.  May
 come up with one he called "Rollo the Red-Nosed Reindeer."
 Executives of the company liked the story, but didn't like
 the name Rollo.  So May renamed the reindeer Reginald - the
 only name he could think of that preserved the poem's rhythm.
 Montgomery Ward rejected that name, too.  Try as he might,
 May couldn't come up with another name that fit - until his
 four-year-old daughter suggested Rudolph.

 The poem was a huge success.  Montgomery Ward published a
 little book out of it and sold some two and a half million
 copies that season. Ten years later, the popular story about
 the misfit reindeer was set to music by Robert May's brother-
 in-law, songwriter Johnny Marks.  When the song was recorded
 by singing cowboy Gene Autry, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"
 (betcha can hear it now) became the second-best-selling
 Christmas single in history - after "White Christmas."

 But that's just the beginning of the little reindeer's
 popularity.  Most of us have seen - on a yearly basis perhaps
 - the classic Animagic special, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,
 which aired for the first time in 1964 on the General Electric
 Fantasy Hour.  In the show, Yukon Cornelius, Hermey the Elf,
 and the misfit toys all help Rudolph save Christmas.  Narrated
 by Burl Ives, the TV special has been watched by an estimated
 100 million families over the years. Today the show, and
 Rudolph, are permanently established in the Christmas tradition.

Top
Subj:     White Trash Christmas (S464b,d)
          From: darrell94590 on 12/13/2005
 Source: http://www.andycouch.com/whitetrashxmas/

 This cartoon video is very cute.  You can view it
 by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Christmas Mistake (S303, DU)
          From: mombear1 on 11/22/2002

 Each December, I vowed to make Christmas a calm and peaceful
 experience.  I had cut back on nonessential obligations -
 extensive card writing, endless baking, decorating, and even
 overspending.  Yet still, I found myself exhausted, unable
 to appreciate the precious family moments, and of course,
 the true meaning of Christmas.

 My son, Nicholas, was in kindergarten that year.  It was an
 exciting season for a six year old.  For weeks, he'd been
 memorizing songs for his school's "Winter Pageant."  I did
 not have the heart to tell him I'd be working the night of
 the production.  Unwilling to miss his shining moment, I
 spoke with his teacher.  She assured me there'd be a dress
 rehearsal the morning of the presentation.  All parents
 unable to attend that evening were welcome to come then.
 Fortunately, Nicholas seemed happy with the compromise.

 So, the morning of the dress rehearsal, I filed in ten
 minutes early, found a spot on the cafeteria floor and sat
 down.  Around the room, I saw several other parents quietly
 scampering to their seats.  As I waited, the students were
 led into the room.  Each class, accompanied by their
 teacher, sat cross-legged on the floor.  Then, each group,
 one by one, rose to perform their song.  Because the public
 school system had long stopped referring to the holiday as
 "Christmas," I didn't expect anything other than fun,
 commercial entertainment - songs of reindeer, Santa Claus,
 snowflakes and good cheer.

 So, when my son's class rose to sing, "Christmas Love," I
 was slightly taken aback by its bold title. Nicholas was
 aglow, as were all of his classmates, adorned in fuzzy
 mittens, red sweaters, and bright snowcaps upon their
 heads. Those in the front row- center stage - held up
 large letters, one by one, to spell out the title of the
 song. As the class would sing "C is for Christmas," a
 child would hold up the letter C.  Then, "H is for Happy,"
 and on and on, until each child holding up his portion
 had presented the complete message, "Christmas Love."

 The performance was going smoothly, until suddenly, we
 noticed her; a small, quiet, girl in the front row holding
 the letter "M" upside down - totally unaware her letter
 "M" appeared as a "W".  The audience of 1st through 6th
 graders snickered at this little one's mistake.  But she
 had no idea they were laughing at her, so she stood tall,
 proudly holding her "W".  Although many teachers tried to
 shush the children, the laughter continued until the last
 letter was raised, and we all saw it together.  A hush
 came over the audience and eyes began to widen.  In that
 instant, we understood - the reason we were there, why we
 celebrated the holiday in the first place, why even in the
 chaos, there was a purpose for our festivities.  For when
 the last letter was held high, the message read loud and
 clear:

 "CHRISTWAS LOVE"

 And, I believe, He still is.

Top
Subj:     Find A Panda Among Snowmen (S986)
          Drawn by Gergely Dudas
          From: Phyllis Lazarek on Facebook on 12/21/2015
 Source: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10207541033059
.........565&set=a.1374160269672.54556.1101752663&type=3&theater
 (See 'Find A Cat Among Owls' in Cats1
  and 'Find The Four-Leaf Clover' in Pig
  and 'Can You Solve It?' - Puzzle in Math4
  and 'Panda Hidden In Pills' in Bears
  and 'Find The Panda: Dog Edition' in Dog-Supp2)
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Top
Subj:     Guy Christmas (S468, DU)
          Copyright © 2005 Blethen Maine Newspapers Inc.
          From: igiggle on 1/8/2006
 Source: (Removed from pressherald.mainetoday.com)

 As Christmas Day fast approaches, we are entering that
 part of the annual rush called "Guy Christmas" (aka
 "Christmas Eve").  It is that portion of the shopping
 season in which Real Guys get ready for the holiday.

 This process has three phases:

 Making lists: For Real Guys (and you know who you are), the
 list-making process involves waking up on Christmas Eve
 morning, mentally surveying the number of people needing
 gifts, and being overcome by the realization of just how
 much trouble they are going to be in if they don't buy them
 today.
 

 Buying gifts: At this point, Guys get dressed and go to a
 store.  Or possibly two stores, but in that case, one of
 them always sells hardware.

 If the Guy is buying for a significant female, he will stop
 by the lingerie or perfume counters and make a selection.
 However, he will never, ever stop by the makeup counter.
 There are limits.

 If he is buying for a child, he will go to the toy
 department and buy something he would like to play with
 himself.

 Then he will go to the hardware department and do the same
 thing.

 Wrapping gifts: Now it is Crunch Time.  If our Guys have
 exercised a due amount of care and judgment, it is still
 before 10 a.m.  That means they have all day to wrap them.

 The wrapping process is composed of two parts - Procras-
 tination and Desperation.  Part One involves leaving the
 presents in the trunk and watching whatever games are on
 the tube today.

 Part Two occurs when the last game ends, and the "uh-oh"
 process commences.  Our Guy locates the wrapping paper,
 ribbon and tape by the simple expedient of asking the
 nearest female where she keeps them.  Then he discards the
 ribbon, wraps the gifts using no more than three times the
 amount of paper the female would have used, and proudly
 places them under the tree.

 At this point, if our Guy is a father, the All-Night Complex-
 Toy Assembly Phase begins. But that's another story.

Top
Subj:     Redneck Rockwell Christmas (S517b in Redneck-Supp)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 12/6/2006
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)

 This really does look like a Norman Rockwell picture
 from the 1950s.  You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     No Obligation Season's Greetings (S465b, DU)
          From: thebartend on 12/23/2005

 Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, best
 wishes for an environmentally conscientious, socially respon-
 sible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration
 of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most
 enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice,
 or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the
 religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or
 their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions
 at all.

 Also a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
 uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted
 calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars
 of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have
 helped make America great, (not to imply that America is
 necessarily greater than any other country), and without regard
 to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious
 faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the
 wishee.

 By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms.  This
 greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely
 transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.  It
 implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of
 the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where
 prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of
 the wisher.

 This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual
 application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until
 the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes
 first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or
 issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)

Top
Subj:     New Year Resolutions For Internet Junkies (S104)
          From: Anaise on 99-01-22

  New Year Resolutions for Internet Junkies

  1. I will try to figure out why I "really" need
     12 e-mail addresses.

  2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
     A phone call every now and then would be appreciated

  3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

  4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm
     with which I answer my e-mail.

  5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages
     and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

  6. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well,
     once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... at least
     once a year

  7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet.
     This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not
     a clock watcher.

  8. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning...
     4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas
     already had time to answer me by then

  9. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

 10. I will read the manual...  just as soon as I can find it.

 11. I will think of a password other than "password."

 12. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh...
     I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh,
     get my, er, off-line work done, too!

Top
Subj:     Christmas Warning Cone (S879d)
          From: Domenic Manchester on 12/4/2013
 Source: (Removed from Facebook Photos)
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..........Oh Christmas tree oh Christmas tree
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Top
Subj:     Pyschological Christmas Carols (S307)
          From: homeschooling.guide on 99-01-17
      and From: gheckman on 12/16/2002

 SCHIZOPHRENIA - "Do You Hear What I Hear?"

 MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER - "We Three Queens
    Disoriented Are"

 DEMENTIA - "I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas"

 NARCISSISTIC TENDENCIES - "Hark The Herald Angels Sing
    (About Me)"

 MANIA - "Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and
    Streets and Store and Office  ...or Deck the Halls and
    Spare No Expense!"

 PARANOIA - "Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me"

 PERSONALITY DISORDER - "You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna
    Cry, I'm Gonna Pout...then MAYBE I'll tell you why!"

 CLINICAL DEPRESSION - "Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia.
         All is calm, All is pretty lonely..."

 OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER - "Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
    Jingle Bell Rock; Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
    Rock; Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock;
    Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock; Jingle Bell,
    Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock; Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
    Jingle Bell Rock; Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
    Rock; Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell; Jingle Bell...

 BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - "Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire"

 PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - "On the First Day of Christmas,
    My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away)"

Top
Subj:     Christmas Puns (S99)
          From: smiles on 98-12-14
 Source: THE WORD CIRCUS: A LETTER-PERFECT BOOK by Richard Lederer
         (Merriam-Webster, hardcover, $14.95)

 From the Chapter 'Have a Punny Christmas'

 It's a matter of my opinion that Yule love the game we're
 about to play.  In each sentence below, fill in the blank
 or blanks with an expression commonly used at Christmastide.
 Answers repose at the end of this column.

  1. On December 24, Adam's wife was known as _____ _____.

  2. In Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was
        visited by the ghost of _____ _____.

  3. An opinion survey in Alaska is called a _____ _____.

  4. What does Santa Claus do with his three gardens?
        _____, _____, _____

  5. What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?:
        ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
        ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.  _____, _____

  6. When the salt and the pepper say "Hi!" to each other,
        they are passing on _____  _____.

  7. A holy man bereft of change could be called _____ _____.

  8. When you cross a sheep with a cicada,
        you get a _____ _____.

  9. A quiet medieval armor-wearer is a _____ _____.

 10. A cat walking on the desert is bound to get _____ _____.

 11. People who tell jokes on December 25 might
        be called _____ _____.

 12. An airplane disaster in Israel is a _____.

 13. Actor O'Connor and actress Channing are known on
        December 25 as  _____  _____.

 14. What do Spanish sheep says when they wish each
        other a Merry Christmas?  _____ _____.

     Meretricious to all!  And don't forget that There's
     No Plate Like Chrome for the Hollandaise.

  Answers
         1. Christmas Eve
         2. Christmas Present
         3. North Poll
         4. Hoe, hoe, hoe.
         5. Noel, Noel (no l, no l)
         6. seasons' greetings.
         7. St. Nickleless.
         8. Bah!  (or Baa!) Humbug!
         9. silent knight
         10. sandy claws
         11. Christmas cards
         12. cresh
         13. Christmas Carols
         14. Fleece Navidad!

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Subj:     EDEKA's Supermarket Jingle Bells (S933d)
          Created by: EDEKA
          From: AFine963 on 12/18/2014
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/H965m0Hkk5M

 In this Edeka TV Commercial for 2014, Berlin supermarket
 checkers play Jingle Bells Freestyle.  Click 'HERE' to
 see this pleasant ad.

Top
Subj:     Season's Greetings (S96)
          From: smiles on 98-11-28

    saltpepper   marjoram  sage  cilantro
    sarsaparilla  bay leave  scinnamon coriander!
    garlicsalt   allspice  curry  cinnamon
    rosemary   fennel   parsley  turmeric
    dillweed   ginger   anise  pepper
    tarragon   chives   celeryseed nutmeg
    angelica   garlic   allspice cloves
    parsley   sage   rosemary thyme
    mustard   zest   basil   oregano
    cumin  paprika  capers   dill
    marjoram   hoisin   relish  Na
    shallots   pickle   garlic  Cl
    woodruff  cloves   sesame   garlic
    mushroom   onions   morels   red pepper
    peppermint   jalapeno  tarragon  mace
    butterscotch  lime juice
 

                 S E A S O N E D     G R E E T I N G S
 

                MERRRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR

                     ....  said many ways . . .

 Afrikaans       'n Geseende Kersfees en 'n voorspoedige Nuwejaar
 Arabic-classic  I'd Miilad said oua Sana saida
 Armenian        Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand
 Azeri           Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun
 Basque          Zorionstsu Eguberri. Zoriontsu Urte Berri On
 Bengali         Naba Barsher Shubh Kamona
 Breton          Nedeleg laouen na bloavezh mat
 Bulgarian       Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo. Tchestita Nova Godina
 Celtic          Nadolig Llawen a Blwyddyn Newydd Dda=13=DF
 Chinese
   - Cantonese   Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun
   - Mandarin    Gong zhu ge wei shengdan kuai le
                     (We wish you a merry Christmas)
                 Yi ji xin nien kuai le  (and a happy new year)
   - Hong Kong   Kung Ho Hsin Hsi.  Ching Chi Shen Tan
 Cornish         Nadelik looan na looan blethen noweth
 Czech           Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok
 Danish          Hermed v]re beste dnsker om en Gledelig Jul og
                  et Godt Nytt]=r
 Dutch           Zalig Kerstfeest en een gelukkig Nieuwjaar
                 Prettige Kerstdagen en een Voorspoedig Nieuwjaar
 English         Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
                 Season's Greetings
 Estonian        Roomsaid Joulu Phui ja Uut Aastat innish
                 Hyv?? Joulua ja Onnellista Uutta Vuotta
                 Toivotamme Hyv?? Joulua ja Onnellista Uutta Vuotta
                 rench Joyeux noel et bonne anne
 German          Frhliche Weihnachten und ein glCckliches neues JahrGreek
 Swiss German    Frhlichi Wynacht unds glCcklich's nis Johr
 Hawaiian        Mele kalikimaka me ka Hauoli Makahiki hou
 Hebrew          Mo'adim Lesimkha. Chena tova
 Hindi           Shub Naya Baras
 Hindi           Naye Warsh Ki Shubhkamnaye
 Hungarian       Boldog Karacsonyl es Ujevl Unnepeket
 Icelandic       Gledlig jol og Nyar
                 Gledileg jl og farsXlt komandi =3Dr
 Indonesian      Selamah Tahun Baru
 Irish           Nollaig shona dhuit agus athbhliain faoi mhaise
 Italian         Buone Natalie e felice Capo d'Anno
                 Buon Natale e Felice Anno Nuovo
 Japanese        merii kurisumasu (really "merry christmas" spoken
                 with a Japanese accent, no similar word exists
                 in Japanese) Happy New Year -
                    Shinnen omedeto (literal translation)
                    Shinnen akemashite omedetou gozaimasu (formal)
                    Akemashite omedetou (for short)
                 Shinnen omedeto.  Kurisumasu Omedeto
 Kala            Khristougena kai Eftikhes to Neon Etos
 Korean          Sung Tan Chuk Ha
 Latvian         Priecigus Ziemas Svetkus un Laimigu Jauno Gadu
 Lithuanian      Linksmu sventu Kaledu ir Laimingu Nauju Metu
 Manx            Nollick ghennal as blein vie noa
 Marathi         Shub Naya Varsh
 Norwegian
   - Ny Norsk    Eg ynskjer hermed Dykk alle ein God Jul og eit
                 Godt Nytt $r
   - Riksm]l     Gledelig jul og godt nytt }r!    ?archaic>
                 God jul og godt nytt }r!        ?common usage>
 Northern Sotho  Matlhatse le matlhogonolo mo ngwageng o moswa.
 Polish          Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia i Szczesliwego
                 Nowego Roku
 Papiamento      Bon Pasku i Felis Anja Nobo
 Pig Latin       Errymay  ristmaskay nday appyhay ewnay earyay
 Portuguese      Feliz Natal e prospero Ano Novo
                 Feliz Natal e Bom Ano Novo
 Rapa-Nui        Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi.  Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua
 Romanian        Sarbatori Fericite.  La Multi Ani
 Russian         Pozdravlyayu s prazdnikom Rozhdestva i s Novim Godom
 Samoan          La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
 Scottish        Nollaig Chridheil agus Bliadhna Mhath Ur
 Serb-Croatian   Sretam Bozic.  Vesela Nova Godina
 Singhalese......Subha nath thalak Vewa.  Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa
 Slovak          Vesele Vianoce.  A stastlivy Novy Rok
 Slovene         Vesele Bozicne.  Screcno Novo Leto
 Spanish         Feliz Navidad y Prospero Ano Nuevo
 Swedish         Glad Jul och ett gott Nytt $r
                 Vi vill h?rmed nska en God Jul och ett Gott Nytt $r
 Tagalog         Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon
 Tamil           Nathar Puthu Varuda Valthukkal
 Turkish         Yeni Yilnizi Kutar, saadetler dilerim
 Ukrainian       Veselykh Svyat i scaslivoho Novoho Roku
 Urdu           Naya Saal Mubarak Ho
 Vietnamese      Chuc mung nam moi
 Waray           Maupay nga Pasko ngan Mainuswagon nga Bag-o nga Tu-ig
 Welsh          Nadolig Llawen a Blwyddyn Newydd Dda
 Zulu:           Nginifisela inhlanhla ne mpumelelo e nyakeni.

                 Apologies for:
                     hundreds of omitted languages
                      incorrect spelling - - inapropriate punctuation and
                      characters that cannot be communicated on screens.

Top
Subj:     Kid Gets Bike For Christmas (S03, S829)
          From: Tom_Adams on 98-11-04

 On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a
 traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new
 bike.  The cop says to the kid, Nice bike you got there.
 Did Santa bring that to you?"  The kid says, "Yeah."

 The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-
 light on that bike."  The cop then proceeds to issue the
 kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

 The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says,
 "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there.  Did
 Santa bring that to you?"  Humoring the kid, the cop
 says, "Yeah, he sure did."

 The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick
 underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Top
Subj:     Chemistree - Photo (S880d)
          From: George Takei on 12/13/2013
 Source: West-Island-School
.

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On George Takei's web page, Gregory Savva wrote
Oh Chemistree, Oh Chemistree! How fragile are your beakers...
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                           -(o o)-
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..........................From Smiley_Central
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