(Includes 13 jokes and articles, 30715n,5,cf)
Puppy & Hat
from
PageWorks
| Subj:
Christmas2 Jokes
(Includes 13 jokes and articles, 30715n,5,cf) |
|
Puppy & Hat from PageWorks |
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 |
Subj:
Jeff Foxworthy Redneck 12 Days Of Christmas (S672)
From: gattica30 on 12/17/2009 |
The original song was written
by Rodney Carrington.
Jeff Foxworthy rewrote the song
and improved greatly.
Click on either source, or 'HERE'
for my copy, to see
the video from his CD.
\\\//
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Subj: Twelve
Days of Suffering! (S254b)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/12/2001
Extracted this from the comics
a few years ago. It came
from the strip, "Baby Blues".
I hope you like it.
On the twelfth day of Christmas
my children gave to me
twelve plumbers plumbing
eleven diaper wipings
ten Fords a-beeping
nine songs they can't sing
eight ways of belching
seven tons of washing
six teeth decaying
five dozen Screams
four appalling words
three drenched friends
two snotty gloves
and a cartridge in a fir tree.
Until later,
Lee
\\\//
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| Subj:
The Twelve Days, History And Music
From: igiggle on 12/3/2005 (S463) |
 |
Partridge from
Central Valley Christian |
You can listen to the music and
read the history of the song
"The Twelve Days of Christmas"
on the source above. It is
interesting and well done.
\\\//
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Subj: The
Twelve Days Of Christmas
From: Bob Tompkins in 1996
On the Twelfth
Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Twelve Drummers
Drumming
.-} .-}
.-}
|_| |_|
|_|
(_) (_) __
(_) .---.
| \ .--. | \.' '. | \/
\
|\_|--o ) |\_|--o ; |\_|--o |
|:| '--' |:|'.__.' |:|\ /
|:| |:|
|:| `---`
|:|_ |:|_
|:|_
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
.-. .-. .-. .-. .-.
.-. .-. .-. .-.
|M| |E| |R| |R| |Y|
|X| |M| |A| |S|
(_) (_) (_) (_) (_)
(_) (_) (_) (_)
/\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\
[XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX]
||| ||| ||| ||| |||
||| ||| ||| |||
||| ||| ||| ||| |||
||| ||| ||| |||
_|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Eleven Pipers
Piping
_ _ _
_ _ _
_ _ _
_ _
,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_)
,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_)
(") (") (") (") (")
(") (") (") (") (")
(")
/I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\
/I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\
/I\
(/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\)
||| ||| ||| ||| |||
||| ||| ||| ||| |||
|||
||| ||| ||| ||| |||
||| ||| ||| ||| |||
|||
_|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ten Lords A-Leaping
w
w
w
0__ \0__
\0__ w /|_
w /_
/_ __0/ '\/ / \0_
'\/ / w
'\/ / /_
` /_ ` __0/
` `\/ \,
_\ \, /_
w
` `\/
\,
\0__ w
w
/_ 0__
w \0__
_\ \, /|_ __0/
|_
` `\/ \,
/_ _\ \,
`\/ /, `
Nine Ladies Dancing
|~
()
() 0` |~
() _/)(\_
() _/)(\_ 0`
_/)(\_ /^^\ () _/)(\_
/""\
/~~\ /____\ _/)(\_ /``\
/____\
/____\ /""\
/____\ ()
() /____\
_/)(\_ ()
|~ _/)(\_
() /^^\ _/)(\_
0` |~ /``\
_/)(\_ /____\ /~~\
0` /____\
/~~\
/____\
/____\
Eight Maids
A-Milking
__.----. __.----.
__.----. __.----.___
(\(__)/)-'
(\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-'
(\(__)/)-' ;--`
`(uu)'
_ `(dd)' _ `(gg)'
_ `(vv)' _ |
) ( (|) ) (
(|) ) ( (|) )
( (|) |
(o
o) 8~8 (o o)
8~8 (o o) 8~8 (o o)
8~8 ,/
`--'\_ (__).`--'\_ (__).'`--'\_
(__).'`--'\_ _(__)|
`|||~~/\|| `|||~~/\||
`|||~~/\|| `||~|| /\||
^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^
__.----. __.----.
__.----. __.----.___
(\(__)/)-'
(\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-'
;--`
`(99)'
_ `(66)' _ `(aa)'
_ `(ee)' _ |
) ( (|) ) (
(|) ) ( (|) ) (
(|) |
(o
o) 8~8 (o o)
8~8 (o o) 8~8 (o o)
8~8,/
`--'\_ (__).'`--'\_ (__).`--'\_
(__).`--'\_ _(__)|
`|||~~/\|| `|||~~/\||
`|||~~/\|| `||~|| /\||
^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^
Seven swans A-Swimming
___ ___ ___
___ ___ ___
___
/,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \
/,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ _,
|/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/
|/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ / |
// _/ |// _/ // _/ // _/ //
_/ // _/ // _/ |
/ (_/ / (_/ / (_/ / (_/
/ (_/ / (_/ / (_/ _)
/ ` / ` / `
/ ` / ` / `
/ ` _/)
\ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=-
\ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- /
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
Six Geese
A-Laying
__ __
__ __
__ __
(' ) (' ) ('
) (' ) (' )
(' )
)/ , )/ ,
)/ , )/ ,
)/ , )/ ,
/(____/\ /(____/\ /(____/\ /(____/\
/(____/\ /(____/\
/ ) /
) / ) /
) / ) /
)
\ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ \ `
=~~/ \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/
`---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __
~~' (__) ~~' (__) ~~' (__) ~~' (__)
~~' (__) ~~'(__)
Five Golden Rings
.-. .-. .-. .-. .-.
((_)) ((_)) ((_)) ((_)) ((_))
'-' '-' '-' '-' '-'
Four Calling Birds
___ ___
___ ___
('v') ('v') ('v')
('v')
(( )) (( )) ((
)) (( ))
-/-"---"---/-"---"---/-"---"---/-"---"--
Three French Hens
(\ }\ (\ }\ (\ }\
( \_(' ( \_(' ( \_('
(__(=_) (__(=_) (__(=_)
-"= -"= -"=
Two Turtle
Doves
_ _
<')_,/ <') ,/
(_==/ (_==/
='- ='-
And a Partridge
in a Pear Tree
_
('
/))@@@@@
/@"@@@@@()@
@@()@@()@@@@
@@@O@@@@()@@@
@()@@\@@@()@@
@()@||@@@@@
@@||@@@
||
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Happy Days one and all, thanks for a fun year !
SEASONS GREETINGS
_...._
\ _ /
.::o:::::.
(\o/)
.:::'''':o:.
--- / \ ---
:o:_ _:::
*<
`:}_()<_{:'
0<@<
@ `'//\\'` @
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// \\ # @
@*<0<<< __#_#____/'____'\____#_#_
*@<<<@<< [_________________________]
@0<<<*<<@< |=_- .-/\ /\ /\ /\--.
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*0<<@<<<@<<< |-_= | \ \\ \\ \\
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@*<<@<*<<0<*< |_=-=| / // // // / |_=-_|
\*/ 0*<<@<0<<*<@<<
|=_- |`-'`-'`-'`-' |=_=-|
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\\ | | \\|
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\ \| || /
//||.*.*.*.|@<<*<<@<0<<<((=_| ! __(:')__ ! |=_==|
\\\//
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Subj: The
Twelve Days Of Christmas (2ed vers.)
From: TNKRTEACH on 97-12-19
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 14, 1994
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and
the postman delivered a partridge
in a pear tree. What a
thoroughly delightful gift and such a
lovely surprise!
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
-----------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 15, 1994
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your
very sweet gift. Just imagine
two turtle doves. I'm
just delighted at your very thoughtful
gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
-----------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 16, 1994
Dearest John:
Oh aren't you the extravagant
one! I really must protest.
I don't deserve such generosity
- 3 French hens. They are
adorable but I must insist -
please, you've been much too kind.
Love,
Agnes
-----------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 17, 1994
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered
4 calling birds. Now really,
they are beautiful but don't
you think enough is enough.
You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
-----------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 18, 1994
Dearest John:
What a wonderful surprise.
Today the postman delivered 5
golden rings. One for
every finger. You're impossible
but I love it! Frankly,
all those birds were beginning to
get on my nerves.
All my love,
Anges
-----------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 19, 1994
Dear John:
When I opened the door there
were actually 6 geese a-laying
on my front steps. So,
you're back to the birds again, huh?
Those geese are huge!
Where will I ever keep them? The
neighbors are complaining and
I can't sleep through the
racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
-----------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 20, 1994
John:
What is it with you and these
frigging birds?!! Seven
Swans-a-Swimming?!! Are
you kidding?! What kind of sick
joke is this? There's
bird poop all over the house and
the incessant honking is driving
me nuts. I can't sleep
at night - I'm a nervous wreck.
It's not funny, so stop
with the crummy birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
-----------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 21, 1994
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds -
what the heck am I going to do
with 8 maids-a-milking?!
It's not enough that the good for
nothing postman delivered 8
maids to join those miserable
birds, but he brought their
cows as well! There is manure
all over my house and I can't
take a safe step any more!
I have a splitting headache,
thank you very much.
Just lay off me smart guy,
Agnes
p.s. I hocked the rings to buy
bird food and hay.
-----------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 22, 1994
You Mullethead!!
What are you some kind of sadist?
That rotten postman
delivered 9 pipers playing,
and I do mean playing - they
have been playing around with
the maids since they arrived.
The cows are getting upset and
they're stepping all over
those screeching birds!!!
What am I going to do? The
neighbors are talking eviction.
I'm sicking the police on
you.
You'll get yours,
Agnes
-----------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 23, 1994
You Rotten Jerk,
Yes I received your latest gift
delivered by your partner
in this devious plot - the postman.
Ten ladies dancing -
Hah Hah, ver-r-r-y funny.
I don't know why I call those
tramps ladies - they've been
mauling the pipers all night
long. My livingroom is
a lake of manure and bird crap.
The Commissioner of Buildings
has subpoenaed me to give
cause why this building shouldn't
be condemned.
I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it.
-----------------
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 24, 1994
Listen Meathead,
Oh yes- that postman- that devil
in postal uniform-
delivered the eleven loards-a-leaping--
you sicko. And
they have been leaping- yes
sir. On the maids, the
ladies, on anything that moves!!
They ran through the
maids and ladies and then went
on to roping the cows!!!
All 23 birds are dead.
They were trampled to death
during the rodeo. I hope
you're happy you rotten vicious
swine. I'm working on
a revenge for you and your delivery
buddy.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
-----------------
Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
December 25, 1994
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge the receipt
of your gift of 12
fiddlers fiddling, which you
have seen fit to inflict on
our client, Miss Agnes McWholestein.
The destruction, of
course, was complete.
The postman is slowly recovering
from the unfortunate attack
he received at the hands of
Miss McWholestein upon receipt
of the fiddlers, although
he remains terrified of Christmas
deliveries. All further
correspondence should come to
our attention. Should you
attempt to contact Miss McWholestein
at Spring Shadows
Glen Sanitarium, the attendants
have instructions to shoot
you on site.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cahole
\\\//
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Subj: The
Twelve Pains Of Christmas (DS)
From: DafterLafter on 12/6/2004
The first thing at Christmas,
That's such a pain to me:
Is finding a Christmas tree.
The second thing at Christmas,
That's such a pain to me:
Rigging up the lights.
And finding a Christmas tree.
The third thing at Christmas
That's such a pain to me:
Hangovers.
Rigging up the lights.
And finding a Christmas tree.
The fourth thing at Christmas,
That's such a pain to me:
Sending Christmas cards.
Hangovers.
Rigging up the lights.
And finding a Christmas tree.
The fifth thing at Christmas
That's such a pain to me:
Five month of bills!
Sending Christmas cards.
Hangovers.
Rigging up the lights.
And finding a Christmas tree.
The sixth thing at Christmas
That's such a pain to me:
Facing my in-laws.
Five months of bills.
Oh, I hate those Christmas cards.
Hangovers.
Rigging up these lights.
And finding a Christmas tree.
The seventh thing a Christmas,
That's such a pain to me:
The Salvation Army.
Facing my in-laws.
Five months of bills!
Sending Christmas cards.
Ohhh geeez.
I'm tryin to rig up these lights!
And finding a Christmas tree.
The eighth thing at Christmas,
That's such a pain to me:
I want a transformer for Christmas.
Charities, and what do you mean
YOUR in-laws?!
Five months of bills.
Ughh, makin' up these cards.
oh, Edith get me a beer huh?
What we have no extension cords?!
And finding a Christmas tree.
The ninth thing at Christmas
That's such a pain to me:
Finding parking spaces,
Daddy, I want some candy!
Donations!
Facing my in-laws.
Five months of bills.
Writing out those Christmas
cards.
Hangovers.
Now why the hell are they blinking?!
And finding a Christmas tree.
The tenth thing at Christmas
That's such a pain to me:
Batteries not included.
No parking spaces.
Buy me something!
Get a job you bum!
Facing my in-laws.
Five months of bills.
Yo-ho sending Christmas cards.
Oh-geez look at this.
One light goes out, they all
go out!
And finding a Christmas tree.
The eleventh thing at Christmas
That's such a pain to me:
Stale T.V. specials.
Batteries not included.
No parking spaces
Mom, I gotta go bathroom!
Charities!
She's a witch, I hate her.
Five months of bills.
Oh, I don't even know half these
people!
Oh, who has the toilet paper,
huh?
Turn on a flashlight, I blew
a fuse!
And finding a Christmas tree.
The twelfth thing at Christmas
That's such a pain to me:
Singing Christmas carols.
Stale T.V. specials.
Batteries not included.
No parking!
*Crying*
Charities.
Gotta make 'em dinner.
Five months of bills.
I'm not sending 'em this year,
that's it!
Shut up, you!
Fine, you're so smart! You rig
up the lights!
And finding a Christmas tree.
\\\//
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Subj: Christmas
Party Planning
From: humorlist-digest V1 #276 on 97-12-14
Festivity Level 1:
Your guests are chatting amiably
with each other, admiring
your Christmas-tree ornaments,
singing carols around the
upright piano, sipping at their
drinks and nibbling hors
d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 2:
Your guests are talking loudly
-- sometimes to each other,
and sometimes to nobody at all,
rearranging your Christmas-
tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta
Be Me" around the upright
piano, gulping their drinks
and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 3:
Your guests are arguing violently
with inanimate objects,
singing "I can't get no satisfaction,"
gulping down other
peoples' drinks, wolfing down
Christmas tree ornaments and
placing hors d'oeuvres in the
upright piano to see what
happens when the little hammers
strike.
Festivity Level 4: <My personal
favorite>
Your guests, hors d'oeuvres
smeared all over their naked
bodies, are performing a ritual
dance around the burning
Christmas tree. The piano
is missing. Neighbors have all
called 911. Sirens can
be heard approaching in the
background.
HELPFUL TIP:
Often bail bondsmen will give
you a group rate if you reach
Level 4 on at least two consecutive
Christmas parties!
\\\//
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Subj: Frosty
The Snowman (S623c)
From: darrellvip on 12/19/2008
 |
\\\//
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Subj: Planning
The Office Party
From: RFSlick on 1/2/2001
During the holidays last year
a friend of mine, who will
remain nameless (LH) collected
a series of Holiday Party
emails from the company's Human
Resources Director.
Following are those mails.
I trust you will all be much
more patient and caring...but,
will enjoy them. Remember,
Christmas Eve was on a Friday,
last year.
Peace,
Jere
FROM: Patty
Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Christmas
Party
DATE: December
1
I'm happy to inform you that
the company Christmas Party
will take place on December
23, starting at noon in the
banquet room at Luigi's Open
Pit Barbecue. No-host bar,
but plenty of eggnog!
We'll have a small band playing
traditional carols... feel free
to sing along. And don't
be surprised if our CEO shows
up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit
at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of
gifts among employees can be
done at that time, however,
no gift should be over $10.00
to make the giving of gifts
easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for
employees! A special announcement
will be made by our
CEO at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your
family.
Patty
-----------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty
Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December
2
RE: Holiday
Party
In no way was yesterday's memo
intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize
that Chanukah is an important holiday
which often coincides with Christmas,
though unfortunately not
this year. However, from
now on we're calling it our "Holiday
Party." The same policy
applies to employees who are celebrat-
ing Kwanzaa at this time.
There will be no Christmas tree
present. No Christmas
carols will be sung. We will have other
type of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your
family.
Patty
-----------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty
Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December
3
RE: Holiday
Party
Regarding the note I received
from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking
table ... you didn't
sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but
if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only", you would
not be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Anybody???
Forget about the gifts exchange;
no gifts exchange are allowed
since the union members feel
that $10.00 is too much money and
executives believe $10.00 is
very little for a gift.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
-----------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty
Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December
7
RE: Holiday
Party
What a diverse group we are!
I had no idea that December 20
begins the Muslim holy month
of Ramadan, which forbids eating
and drinking during daylight
hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate
how a luncheon this time of year
does not accommodate our Muslim
employees' beliefs. Perhaps
Luigi's can hold off on serving
your meal until the end of
the party - the days are so
short this time of year - or else
package everything for take
home in little foil swans. Will
that work?
Meanwhile,
I've arranged for members of
Overeaters Anonymous to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet
and pregnant women will get
the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with
each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit
with the Gay men, each Group will
have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement
for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to
cross-dress, no cross-dressing
allowed, though.
We will have booster seats for
short people.
Low-fat food will be available
for those on a diet. We can-
not control the salt used in
the food we suggest for those
people with high blood-pressure
problems to taste first.
There will be fresh fruits as
dessert for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply "No
Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?
Patty
-----------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty
Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December
8
RE: Holiday
Party
So December 22 marks the Winter
Solstice...what do you expect
me to do, a tap-dance on your
heads? Fire regulations at
Luigi's prohibit the burning
of sage by our "earth-based
Goddess-worshiping" employees,
but we'll try to accommodate
your shamanic drumming circle
during the band's breaks.
OKAY???
Patty
-----------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty
Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December
9
RE: Holiday
Party
People, people, nothing sinister
was intended by having our
CEO dress up like Santa Claus!
Even if the anagram of "Santa"
does happen to be "Satan," there
is no evil connotation to our
own "little man in a red suit."
It's a tradition, folks, like
sugar shock at Halloween or
family feuds over the thanksgiving
turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's
Day. Could we lighten
up? PLEASE?????????
Also the company has changed
their mind in announcing the
special announcement at the
gathering. You will get a
notification in the mail sent
to your home.
-----------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty
Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@
Employees
DATE: December
10
RE: The
<mailto:%#*&^%@*%^Holiday %#*&^%@*%^Holiday
<mailto:%#*&^%@*%^Holiday
Party
I have no #%&*@*^ing idea
what the announcement is all about.
What the %#&^!@ do I care...
I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!
You change your address now
and your are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No
more changes of address will
be allowed in my office. Try to
come in and change your address,
I will have you hung from
the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've
had it with you people!!! We're
going to keep this party at
Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether
you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table
furthest from the "grill of
death," as you so quaintly put
it, and you'll get your #$%^&*!ing
salad bar, including
hydroponic tomatoes. But
you know, they have feelings, too.
Tomatoes scream when you slice
them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them scream right
now!
HA!
I hope you all have a rotten
holiday! Drive drunk and die,
you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!
(signed)
THE BITCH FROM HELL
-----------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Terri
Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December
14
RE: Patty
Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us
in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery from her stress-related
illness and I'll continue to
forward your cards to her at
the sanitarium. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and give
everyone the afternoon of the
23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
\\\//
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Subj: Office
Christmas Party
From: humorlist-digest V1 #276 on 97-12-14
(Also see 'Jewish
Wife Was Unfaithful' in JEWISH1)
After the annual office Christmas
party blowout, John woke
up with a pounding headache,
cotton-mouthed, and utterly
unable to recall the events
of the preceding evening. After
a trip to the bathroom, he was
able to make his way downstairs,
where his wife put some coffee
in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me
what went on last night. Was it
as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him,
voice dripping with scorn. "You
made a complete ass of yourself,
succeeded in antagonizing the
entire board of directors, and
insulted the President of the
company to his face."
"He's an a**hole - piss on him!"
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
\\\//
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 |
Subj:
This Will Keep You Cool! (S87)
From: JOELFALLON on 98-10-02 Photo from MrsMcGowan.com |
This silly snowball fight
in text form is so long
it needs it's own file.
Click 'HERE' to see it.
\\\//
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Subj: How
To Tell A Democrat From A Republican (S48)
During the Holiday Season by John Carlson
From: humorlist-digest V1 #281 on 97-12-29
(See 'How
To Tell Republicans From Democrats:' in POLITICAL1)
Democrats get back at Republicans
on their Christmas list by
giving them fruitcakes. Republicans
re-wrap them and send
them to in-laws.
Democrats let their kids open
all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids
wait until Christmas morning
When toasting the Holidays, Republicans
ask for sherry or
mulled wine. Democrats
ask for egg nog.
When not in stores, Republicans
use a catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible
TV offers" on late night
television.
Democrats do a lot of their shopping
at Costco and WalMart.
So do Republicans, but they
don't admit it.
Democrats give their children
gifts that make a political
statement. Republicans
give their children gifts that will
keep them out of their hair.
Republican parents have no problem
buying their kids toy guns.
Democrats refuse to do so. That
is why their kids pretend to
shoot each other with dolls.
Republicans spend hundreds of
dollars and hours of work
decorating the yard with outdoor
lights and Christmas displays.
Democrats save their time and
money and drive around at night
to enjoy the scenery.
Democrats favorite Christmas
movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."
Republicans favorite Christmas
movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."
Right-Wing Republicans favorite
Christmas movie is "Diehard".
Republicans wear wide red ties
and green sport jackets during
the festive season. Democrats
do too, all year round.
Most Republicans try, at least
once, enclosing indulgent,
wretchedly maudlin form letters
about their families in their
Christmas Cards. Public
ridicule from Democrats usually
discourages them from doing
it again.
Cheapskate Republicans buy an
artificial Christmas tree.
Tightfisted Democrats buy a
real tree, but they wait until
the week before Christmas when
the lots lower their prices.
Democratic men like to watch
football while their wives,
girlfriends or mothers fix holiday
meals. On this,
Republicans are in full agreement.
Republicans see nothing wrong
with letting their children
play "Cowboys and Indians".
Democrats don't either, as
long as the Indians get to win.
Republicans first began thinking
like Republicans when they
stopped believing in Santa Claus...
Democrats became
Democrats because they never
stopped believing in Santa Claus...
\\\//
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========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================Top
Subj: 12 Days
Of Christmas - GIF (S465)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 12/21/2005
Source: http://www.lablaughs.com/clean_toon.php?id=C19970204
 |
\\\//
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 |
Smiley checks his presents
from
Smiley_Central |