.
Subj:     Christmas4 Jokes
                 (Includes 45 jokes and articles, 04 1038,13,cf,wYT2a,6)

          Click "Here" for Christmas-Supp
 


Wreath from
PageWorks
Includes the following:  Happy Holidays From The Minions - Trailer (S986 - Supp)
.........................Sainsbury's OFFICIAL Christmas 2014 Ad (S933 in Supp)
.........................Holiday Rube Goldberg Machine - Video (S882 in Supp)
.........................Playing Weeweechu (S359b, S569b in Supp)
.........................Red Green's Redneck Christmas Dinner - Video (S881 - Supp)
.........................Walk Off The Earth Rock Band (S881d)
..............................Little Drummer Boy Song
..............................Gang of Rhythm - Car Loop Version
.........................Christmas Shoes Song By NewSong - Video/Song(S879 in Supp)
.........................Captain Picard Sings "Let It Snow!" - Vid/Sng (S880 - Sup)
.........................Walt Disney's Toy Tinkers - Video (S881 in Supp)
.........................Bob Welsh - My Christmas Eve Poem - Video (S832 in Supp)
.........................Snow Falling On Your House (S828 in Supp)
.........................Grandma Got Molested At The Airport - Vid/Song (S724-Supp)
.........................Red Skelton - Littlest Christmas Tree -Aud/Vid (S777-Supp)
.........................Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer (S724)
.........................The Christmas Can-Can - Video (S724 in Supp)
.........................GIGGLE with The GOATS - Holiday Performance -Vid(S724-Sup)
.........................A Christmas eCard For 2010 (S724 in Supp)
.........................Christmas Food Court Flash Mob, Hallelujah - Vid(S725-Sup)
.........................A Christmas Card - SWF (S673b in Supp)
.........................Ashland College Christmas Gift - SWF (S673 in Supp)
.........................Mr. Bean Christmas - Video (S672 in Supp)
.........................An Italian Christmas Date (S571b in Supp)
.........................Regifting Robin - SWF (S673 in Supp)
.........................Boy Steals Baby Jesus (S570b in Supp)
.........................Italian Christmas Time - Video (S829 in Supp)
.........................ASCII Holiday Art (in Supp)
.........................Garfield's 10th Day Of Christmas - Video (S935)
.........................Lily And the Snowman - Video (S1036)
.........................How To Tell A Democrat From A Republican (S48 in Supp)
.........................Slow-Motion Christmas Bounce - Video (S1038 in Supp)
.........................Sara X Does Jingle Boobs - Video (S1024 in Supp)
.........................
.........................Doghouse At Christmas - Video (S984)
.........................Christmas Carol Picture Puzzle!! (S463, S829)
.........................Three Christmas Mystery Short Stories (S464)
.........................Buying The Christmas Tree (S413b)
.........................Teacher Asks About Christmas (S380b, S777)
.........................Redneck Christmas Carols - Video (S464b))
.........................Things That Sound Dirty On Christmas: (S340b)
.........................Deck The House - Video (S464)
.........................Christmas Riddle (S331)
.........................Reindeer Antlers (S303, S829)
.........................Name That Christmas Carol (S297)
.........................25 Ways We're Different This Christmas (S256)
.........................Freddy Krueger's Christmas Sweater - Drawing (S933)
.........................Food Tips For The Holidays (S203)
.........................Hot Chocolate. . . (S200)
.........................Christmas Letter From Grandma (S196)
                         Short Christmas Jokes
..............................Merry Christmas from Batman in 1945 (S881 in Supp)
..............................Snoopy And Woodstock At Christmas (S777 in Supp)
..............................Simon's Cat in 'Fowl Play' - Video (S777 in Supp)
..............................Garfield Comic Strip (S725 in Supp)
..............................Peanuts Comic Strip (S725 in Supp)
..............................Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa Message (S778 in Supp)
..............................The Flying McCoys Cartoon (S674 in Supp)
..............................A Christmas Wish (S670b in Supp)
..............................Dirty Christmas Wrapping Paper (S620b in Supp)
..............................Italian Christmas - Video (S986 in Supp)
..............................Woods Family Christmas Card (S672 in Supp)
..............................Google: Let It Snow (S777 in Supp)
..............................
..............................A Christmas To Remember (S569)
..............................The Four Stages Of Life By Santa Claus (S355)
..............................Redneck Christmas Lights (S522c)
..............................Christmas In Guatemala (S415b)
..............................Christmas Coloring Pages (S465b)
..............................The Safe Sex Carol
..............................Christmas Season Store Sign (S465b)
..............................Christmas, Michigan (S464b)
..............................Adventure Elf - Game (S463b)
..............................Love At Christmas is... (S343b)
..............................Dear Santa Letter (S303b)
..............................Christmas Political Poem (S203)
..............................Supreme Court Ruled On Nativity Scene (S201)
..............................Three Wise Women (S200)
..............................Christmas Poem

CHRISTMAS1 contains general Christmas jokes
CHRISTMAS2 includes 'Twelve Days of Christmas' jokes 
CHRISTMAS3 contains 'Night Before Christmas' jokes 
ChristmAS4 contains general Christmas jokes
============================================================Top
Subj:     Doghouse At Christmas (S984d)
          From: Sherriee Jacobsen Cole on Facebook on 11/21/2015
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/7Ud5YuIqfgo
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.......Click 'HERE' to see this cute video.
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Top
Subj:     Christmas Carol Picture Puzzle!!
          From: tnkr on 12/12/2005
          Created by Rick Archer (S463d, S829)
 Source: http://www.ssqq.com/archive/christmaspuzzle00.htm

 The Christmas Carol Puzzle is a fun quiz for the Christmas
 Season.  The 40 pictures representing famous and semi-famous
 Christmas Carols.  Most of the picture puzzles are easy, but
 some require a little thought.  Your job is to decipher each
 riddle and come up with its name!

 You can view the puzzles by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:    Three Christmas Mystery Short Stories (S464)
         From:igiggle on 12/9/2005
         Source: http://www.mysterynet.com/Christmas/mysteries/
 
Story 1: Here Comes Santa Claus Short Story Mystery
         by Bill Pronzini
At: http://www.mysterynet.com/Christmas/mysteries/santa/
 Department store Santas dread the visit of a rotten kid.
 Nameless detective meets one in his stint in the plush
 chair, and ho-hos into a holiday scam.
 
Story 2: Silent Night Short Story Mystery
         by Marcia Muller
At: http://www.mysterynet.com/Christmas/mysteries/silent/
 Sharon McCone searches for a runaway teen on Christmas Eve
 and learns some of life's tougher lessons.
 
Story 3: The Three Travellers Short Story Mystery
         by Edward D. Hoch
At: http://www.mysterynet.com/Christmas/mysteries/three/
 A mystery before the First Christmas, featuring three
 characters from the original. The Wise Men are headed
 West, and stop at an oasis for the night.

Top
Subj:     Buying The Christmas Tree (S413b)
          From:igiggle on 12/25/2004

 This is a warm story and NOT a joke.

 A few Christmases back I was delegated to buy the family
 Christmas Tree, and, as is my habit, I kept putting it off
 until it was almost too late.  Every day I would pass a
 little grocery shop on my way to work where the owner had
 piled a load of Christmas trees on the pavement for sale.

 One morning a couple of days before Christmas I was on my
 way to work when I noticed he only had half a dozen left.
 I realised I had to buy it that day or I'd miss out and
 the children would have to do without a proper tree on the
 big day.  Later that afternoon I bunked off work a couple
 of hours early and set off for the shop. It had been bitterly
 cold and as I pulled out of the car park it started snowing
 heavily.  In fact it was nothing short of a blizzard.  It
 took me an hour and a half to make the 20-minute journey and
 by the time I arrived there was what can only be described
 as a 'white out' with five inches of snow covering everything.

 In those days (and I'm going to show my age here, I'm afraid)
 I drove a little mushroom-coloured Fiat Uno that we Christened
 Bruno the Uno.  I realised during this journey that I forgotten
 to fit the roof rack, so the only way of getting the tree home
 was to cram it inside the car.  Should be fun, I thought. I
 parked Bruno in a large supermarket car park opposite the row
 of shops where the grocer's shop was situated and legged it
 over the road just as he was shutting up for the night.  As
 luck had it, he had just one tree left and I bought it.  The
 bad news was that it was an eight foot bedraggled monster that
 was already dropping its needles.

 The snow was coming in horizontally now driven by a bitter wind,
 and I was wearing a light jacket, no hat or gloves and office
 shoes.  I hoisted the tree on my shoulder and slipped and
 slithered back across the street to the car park.  I fancy I
 looked like an extra in a Franz Capra movie, but what happened
 next was stranger than even Hollywood fiction.  I was pretty wet
 and very cold by the time I reached the car.  I leant the tree
 against the tailgate, brushed some of the snow from the driver's
 door and tried to open it.  No luck.  The key wouldn't turn.
 The locks must have frozen.  I took the key out and breathed on
 it to warm it up in the hope that would thaw the lock.  I tried
 again and after a fair bit of fiddling finally got the door open.
 I leant across and opened the passenger door and then went around
 the back to open the tailgate.  Again the key wouldn't turn and
 it took a good ten minutes of breathing on the key and jiggling
 it in the lock before I managed to open it.

 I placed the tree trunk first in the car and shoved it as far as
 I could.  Then I went around to the passenger door and pulled on
 the trunk until it was hard up against the windscreen.  When I
 went back to the tailgate there was still three feet of tree
 sticking out the back and I had to bend it gently inside the car
 and snap the tailgate shut before the tree sprang back.  Mission
 accomplished, I then jumped into the driver's seat.  The tree
 virtually filled the car and I had to push away some branches in
 order to get in.  I couldn't see out of the back or side of the
 car because of this thick forest of Norwegian pine.  I put the
 key in the ignition and tried to start the car.  Nothing!  I
 took the key out and looked at it.  It seemed fine so I tried
 again. Nothing.  It wasn't just that the engine wouldn't start,
 but I couldn't even get the key to turn.

 I hammered the steering wheel in frustration.  Then something
 caught my attention.  Hanging from the rear view mirror was one
 of those little traffic light air fresheners.  I looked it for
 a moment as it swung gently before my puzzled face.  I didn't
 remember seeing that before.  Then I looked around. Strange
 alien items swam into vision.  The 'Please fasten your seatbelt'
 sign, the St Christopher's medal, the pack of chewing gum.  With
 a mounting horror that drained the blood from my face it dawned
 on me that this wasn't my car!

 I jumped out of the car as though my bum was on fire. I pushed
 some more snow off the bonnet.  Right make, right model, right
 colour, right year.  I cleared the snow from the number plate
 - not the right car!  I looked along the row of parked cars and
 sure enough, three spaces down, there was the unmistakable,
 snow-covered, outline of Bruno.

 At this point I perhaps should explain to younger readers that
 this was before central locking, security deadlocks and fancy
 transponders.  In those days you got a single key that opened
 all the doors and started the engine.  When the key was worn
 it became useless as a security measure.  On more than one
 occasion, for example, I managed to start Bruno using my front
 door key.  So what happened isn't as far fetched as it might
 seem.

 I stood for a couple of moments trying to swallow down the
 rising panic and wondering what to do.  I mean how do I even
 begin trying to explain to the owner what I'd done when he
 or she came out of the supermarket?  Instead I opened the
 passenger door and began to drag the tree out by the trunk.
 I was none too gentle and by the time I'd yanked it free, it
 had deposited a bucket-load of needles inside the car.  I
 ran around to Bruno, opened the tailgate and repeated the
 loading operation - but with the right car this time.

 For an instant I reasoned that maybe I should wait and at
 least attempt an explanation.  Then I thought better of it.
 This was not the most salubrious part of town and I'd be
 lucky to escape with my teeth intact.  Instead, I drove
 off.  But before I left I did the cruelest thing of all
 - I locked the car!  I did this with the right intentions
 - to make it secure from thieves - but I now realize, that
 for the owner it must have added a new baffling layer of
 mystery to whole bizarre episode.

 When I got home my wife and I laughed about it for a week.
 Every time I caught her eye, we'd burst out laughing. Even
 today I have a fit of the giggles when I think about it.

 And I'm sure that somewhere there is a bloke who every
 Christmas looks at his wife and says: "Remember that time
 when we got back to the car after shopping to find it
 locked but ankle deep in pine needles.  Now wasn't that
 weird?"

Top
Subj:     Teacher Asks About Christmas (S380b, S777)
          From: DafterLafter on 5/7/2004
      and From: kgilmour2000 on 12/19/2011

 The Teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of
 her students celebrated Christmas.

 She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me, Patrick, what
 do you do at Christmas time?" she asked.

 Patrick addressed the class, "Well, Ms. Jones, me and my
 twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we
 sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince
 pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all
 excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come
 with all our toys."

 "Very nice, Patrick," she said. "Now, Jimmy Brown, what do
 you do at Christmas?" Ms. Jones asked.

 "Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with
 Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so
 late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang
 up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus
 to bring our presents, " Jimmy replied.

 "That's also very nice, Jimmy," she said. Realizing that
 there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to
 leave him out of the discussion, she asked Isaac Cohen the
 same question. "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at
 Christmas?" she asked.

 "Well, we also sing carols!" Isaac responded.

 Surprised, Mrs. Jones questioned further. "Tell us what
 you sing," Ms. Jones requested.

 "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from
 the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive
 to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the
 empty shelves and begin to sing, "What a Friend We Have In
 Jesus." Then we all go to the Bahamas."

Top
Subj:     Redneck Christmas Carols (S464b,d in Redneck3)
          From: darrell94590 on 12/12/2005
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/zXkSEcCwU8A

 You can see this video of Redneck Christmas Carols by
 clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Things That Sound Dirty On Christmas: (S340b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 7/29/2003

 10. Did you get any under the tree?
  9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
  8. Check out Rudolph's honker!
  7. Santa's sack is really bulging.
  6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
  5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
  4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
  3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
  2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
  1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it
     against the wall.

Top
Subj:     Deck The House (S464d)
          From: darrell94590 on 12/14/2005
 Source: http://www.powerpres.com/xmascard03.html

 This cute SWF video decorates a home.  You can see it
 by clicking 'HERE'.

 Other Power Presentations' animations can be seen at
 http://www.powerpres.com/xmas.html.

Top
Subj:     Christmas Riddle (S331)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 6/5/2003

What Christmas message is written here?
A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

x
x
x
x
x
Scroll down for the answer
x
x
x
x
x
Here it comes
x
x
x
x
x

ANSWER

NOEL - Get it... "no L" :)

Top
Subj:     Reindeer Antlers (S303, S829)
          From: mombear1 on 11/18/2002

 According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while
 both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer
 each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning
 of winter, usually late November to mid-December.  Female
 reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in
 the spring.

 Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting
 Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to
 Blitzen, had to be a girl.

 We should've known.  ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-
 ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night
 and not get lost.

Top
Subj:     Name That Christmas Carol (S297)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/7/2002

 Name that Christmas Carol...for instance, the following:
 "Bleached Yule ' would be, "White Christmas"

  1. Our Monarchial Triad
  2. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals
  3. Minuscule Hamlet In The Near East
  4. Listen, Aerial Sprites Vocalize Musically
  5) Cherubim Providing Audio Input to Us From Aloft
  6. Assemble, Everyone Who Loyally Believes
  7. Vertically Challenged Adolescent Percussionist
  8. Bipedal Traveling Through An Amazing Acreage During
     The Period Between December 21st And March 21st In
     The Northern Hemisphere
  9. Allow Crystalline Formations To Descend in Triplicate
 10. Omnipotent Supreme Being Elicit Respite To Ecstatic
     Distinguished Males

 Answers below:
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  1. We Three Kings
  2. The Twelve Days of Christmas
  3. Oh Little Town of Bethlehem
  4. Hark the Herald Angels Sing
  5. Angels We Have Heard on High
  6. O' Come All Ye Faithful
  7. Little Drummer Boy
  8. Walking in a Winter Wonderland
  9. Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow
 10. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

Top
Subj:     25 Ways We're Different This Christmas (S256)
          From: gheckman on 12/26/2001

 1.  Last Christmas we were thinking about all the things we
       didn't have.
     This  Christmas we are thinking about all the things we
        do have.

 2.  Last Christmas we were placing wreaths on the doors of
        our homes.
     This Christmas we are placing wreaths on the graves of
     our heroes.

 3.  Last Christmas we were letting our sons play with
        toy guns.
     This Christmas we are teaching them that guns are
        not toys.

 4.  Last Christmas we were counting our money.
     This Christmas we are counting our blessings.

 5.  Last Christmas we were lighting candles to decorate.
     This Christmas we are lighting candles to commemorate.

 6.  Last Christmas we paid lip service to the real meaning
        of the holidays.
     This Christmas we are paying homage to it.

 7.  Last Christmas we were digging deep into our bank
        accounts to find money to fly home for the holidays.
     This Christmas we are digging deep into our souls to
       find the courage to do so.

 8.  Last Christmas we were trying not to let annoying
        relatives get the best of us.
     This Christmas we are trying to give the best of
        ourselves to them.

 9.  Last Christmas we thought it was enough  to celebrate
        the holidays.
     This Christmas we know we must also find ways to
        consecrate them.

 10. Last Christmas we thought a man who could rush down a
        football field was a hero.
     This Christmas we know a man who rushes into a burning
        building is the real one.

 11. Last Christmas we were thinking about the madness of
        the holidays.
     This Christmas we are thinking about the meaning of them.

 12. Last Christmas we were getting on one another's nerves.
     This Christmas we are getting on our knees.

 13. Last Christmas we were giving thanks for gifts from
        stores.
      This Christmas we are giving thanks for gifts from God.

 14. Last Christmas we were wondering how to give our
        children all the things that money can buy.
     This Christmas we are wondering how to give them all
        the things money can't buy.  (peace, security)

 15. Last Christmas we were thinking about all the pressure
        we were under at the office.
     This Christmas we are thinking about all the people
        who no longer have an office.

 16. Last Christmas we were singing carols.
     This Christmas we are singing anthems.

 17. Last Christmas we were thinking how good it would feel
        to be affluent.
     This Christmas we are thinking how good it feels
        to be alive.

 18. Last Christmas we thought angels were in heaven.
     This Christmas we know they are right here on earth.

 19. Last Christmas we were contemplating all the changes
        we wanted to make in the new year.
     This Christmas we are contemplating all the changes
        we will have to make in this new reality.

 20. Last Christmas we believed in the power of the pocketbook.
     This Christmas we believe in the power of prayer.

 21. Last Christmas we were sharing / spreading /
        listening to gossip.
     This Christmas we are sharing /  spreading /
        listening to the Gospel.

 22. Last Christmas we were complaining about how much of
        our earnings went to taxes.
     This Christmas we comprehend that freedom isn't free.

 23. Last Christmas we valued things that were costly.
     This Christmas we value things that are holy.

 24. Last Christmas the people we idolized wore sports uniforms.
     This Christmas the people we idolize wear police and
        firefighter uniforms.

 25. Last Christmas peace on earth was something we prayed
        for on Sunday morning.
     This Christmas it's something we pray for every day.

Top
Subj:     Freddy Krueger's Christmas Sweater (S933)
          From: Sharon Williams on Facebook
 Source: (Removed from facebook.com/photo)
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Top
Subj:     Food Tips For The Holidays (S203)
          From: ICohen on 12/18/2000

 Thou shalt not skim flavor from the holidays!

 By Craig Wilson, USA TODAY

 Hate this time of year.  Not for its crass commercialism
 and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the
 food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual
 tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining
 10-20 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding
 a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts.

 Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies
 made with butter, they say.  Fill up on vegetable sticks,
 they say.  Good grief.  Is your favorite childhood memory
 of Christmas a carrot stick?  I didn't think so.  Isn't
 mine, either.  A carrot was something you left for Rudolph.
 I have my own list of tips for holiday eating.  I assure you,
 if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy.  So what if you
 don't make it to New Year's?  Your pants won't fit anymore,
 anyway.

 1.  About those carrot sticks.  Avoid them.  Anyone who puts
 carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the
 Christmas spirit.  In fact, if you see carrots, leave
 immediately.  Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
 2.  Drink as much eggnog as you can.  And quickly.  Like
 fine single-malt scotch, it's rare.  In fact, it's even
 rarer than single-malt scotch.  You can't find it any other
 time of year but now.  So drink up!  Who cares that it has
 10,000 calories in every sip?  It's not as if you're going
 to turn into an eggnogaholic or something.  It's a treat.
 Enjoy it.  Have one for me.  Have two. It's later than you
 think.  It's Christmas!
 3.  If something comes with gravy, use it.  That's the
 whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone.  Pour it
 on.  Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.  Fill it
 with gravy.  Eat the volcano.  Repeat.
 4.  As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made
 with skim milk or whole milk.  If it's skim, pass.  Why
 bother?  It's like buying a sports car with an automatic
 transmission.
 5.  Do not have a snack before going to a party in an
 effort to control your eating.  The whole point of going
 to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for
 free.  Lots of it.  Hello?  Remember college?
 6.  Under no circumstances should you exercise between now
 and New Year's.  You can do that in January when you have
 nothing else to do.  This is the time for long naps, which
 you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying
 a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
 7.  If you come across something really good at a buffet
 table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size
 of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge.
 Have as many as you can before becoming the center of
 attention.  They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.  You
 can't leave them behind.  You're not going to see them again.
 8.  Same for pies. Apple.  Pumpkin.  Mincemeat.  Have a
 slice of each.  Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two
 apples and one pumpkin.  Always have three. When else do you
 get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
 9.  Did someone mention fruitcake?  Granted, it's loaded
 with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all
 cost.  I mean, have some standards, mate.
 10.  And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you
 leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been
 paying attention.  Reread tips.

Top
Subj:     Hot Chocolate... (S200)
          From: h2oman19 on 11/26/2000

 I received this letter from a former student.  I liked it so
 much I sent it out on my weekly 'Sunday Morning Laughs'.  I
 hope you can forgive me for this Brandy.  Frankly, it's too
 good to cherish by myself.  I know everyone on my list.
 Most are former Benicia High students who also grew up
 like you in our little corner of heaven.

 The Christmas holidays are upon on us and not until today
 did I realize one of the most important parts of its success:
 family.  I left home today to come up to my dorm thinking I
 was finding freedom from everything and realizing that all
 that I need is at home.

 As my roomates and I put up a classic Charlie Brown tree and
 decorated it with the spirit that Christmas seems to bring
 with the scent of a pine during December I remembered the
 countless times I helped my mom put the trimmings on our
 always perfect tree at home.  I began to remember how every
 year we would all go out looking for a tree, determined to
 bring one back that day no matter what it took.  How we
 could never agree on the shape, or the size, or the height.

 I mean, if we all agreed what would be the fun in that, right?
 But when we found it, when we found the tree that would be
 the foundation of Christmas in so many ways. . .what a feeling
 it was.  And now I find myself away for the first time putting
 up a tree I didn't help pick out, with decorations that don't
 have years and years of memories behind each piece.

 I made myself a cup of hot chocolate thinking it would make me
 feel a little warmer inside.  Then I knew it wasn't really
 Christmas without my family around.  I drank the cocoa thinking
 about how it didn't even taste like my mom's.  The consistency
 was wrong or maybe it was the temperature, there wasn't even
 chunks of chocolate at the bottom of the cup to make the last
 sip extra chocoalty and sweet.  I closed my eyes and tried to
 picture a moment like this from a Christmas past.  I could
 hear my roomate's stereo blaring Christmas songs and the
 buzzing from countless blinking lights.

 Then it came to me, Christmas isn't just a tree, some colored
 lights, and a few hanging snowflakes.  Nope, that's just the
 stuff many people think that Christmas is made of, but it's
 not.  Christmas is spending time with family, watching "It's
 a Wonderful Life" ten times in a row, listening to the
 Christmas tape you remember falling in love with when you
 were little and then sharing it with your younger siblings.
 Christmas is the loving family you spend it with.

 Without them sure you have a few pieces of the season but
 have you really captured the true essence of Christmas?  I
 know this sounds totally corny and like something out of a
 Hallmark card but think about it.  Without family and friends
 who do you share the lopsided snowman with and who do you
 warm up next to a fire with after you've been nipped by Jack
 Frost?  And for this feeling I want to thank all of those who
 I can know share these feelings with me.  Thank you for the
 memories old, new, and future.

 I wish everyone a family-filled holiday season with that
 fuzzy-warm feeling you get when you look at a Christmas tree
 or after seeing the look in a child's eye when the Christmas
 lights go on.  May that twinkle never leave your eye and
 that feeling never leave your heart.

 Love,
 Brandy Waterman

Top
Subj:     Christmas Letter From Grandma (S196)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 10/31/2000

 Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

 Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry.  I'm just
 fine considering I can't breathe or eat.  The important
 thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles
 away from your ailing mother.  I've sent along my last ten
 dollars in this card, which I hope you'll  spend on my
 grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything
 nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.  Thank
 you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy.  I put them in
 the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave.  Which reminds
 me -- we buried Grandma last week.  I know she died years ago,
 but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Berta and I
 dug her up and had the services all over again.  I would have
 invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have
 never let you come.  I bet she's never even watched that
 videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?

 Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now.  I lost
 my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry
 about me.  I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned
 my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs
 the constant pain.

 Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because
 I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you
 take every year.  Give my love to my darling grandbabies and
 my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black
 roots in her hair who stole you screaming from my bosom.

 Merry Christmas,.
 Love, Mom


Subj:     Short Christmas Jokes (S151)

Top
Subj:     A Christmas To Remember (S569d)
          From: rfslick on 12/12/2007
Picture from Art.com...
 This is a wonderful story of a poor farm boy who wanted
 a rifle for Christmas.  Click 'HERE' to read the story.
 

Top
Subj:     The Four Stages Of Life By Santa Claus (S355)
          From: DoctorDebt on 11/15/2003
 1) You believe in Santa Claus.
 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
 3) You are Santa Claus.
 4) You look like Santa Claus.
 

Top
Subj:     Redneck Christmas Lights (S522c in Redneck-Supp)
          From: drgolfmd on 1/19/2007
 You can view these Redneck Christmas Lights by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Christmas In Guatemala (S415b)
          From: igiggle on 1/1/2005
 In Guatemala, Christmas Day is celebrated on December 25;
 however, Guatemalan adults do not exchange gifts until
 New Year's Day. Children get theirs (from the Christ Child)
 on Christmas morning.
 

Top
Subj:     Christmas Coloring Pages (S465b)
          From:igiggle on 12/22/2005
 Source: http://www.free-coloring-pages.com/christmas/
 Color online at the source above.
 

Top
Subj;     The Safe Sex Carol (Tune:  Deck the Halls)
          From: Bawdy.Net on 97-12-25
 Deck your cock with lots of latex,
 Fa la la la la la la la la la
 'Tis the season to have safe sex,
 Fa la la la la la la la la la
 As you don your gay apparel,
 Fa la la la la la la la la la
 Put a condom on your barrel.
 

Top
Subj:     Christmas Season Store Sign (S465b in Job-Stuff-Supp)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 12/8/2005
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 You can view this cute store sign by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Christmas, Michigan (S464b)
          From:igiggle on 1/1/2005
 This town on Michigan's Upper Peninsual was founded fairly
 recently: 1938, when one Julius Thorson got the bright idea
 of building a factory that made holiday gifts - and what
 could be more irresistable than holiday gifts from Christmas?
 Alas for Mr. Thorson, the factory burned down in 1940.  But
 the town survived and gained its first post office in 1966,
 and the post office now offers its postmark for all comers.
 Aside from the expected Christmas-oriented mall filled with
 ornaments, gifts, and other seasonal goodies.  Christmas is
 also home to Kewadin's Christmas casino, so you can double
 down on all that holiday cash.
 

Top
Subj:     Adventure Elf (S463b in Games-Supp)
          From: LABLaughsRiddles on 12/6/2005
 Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
 You can play this cute DCR game by clicking 'HERE'.
 Program loads a DCR file onto your computer.
 

Top
Subj:     Love At Christmas is... (S343b)
          From: Imogenelumen on 8/29/2003
 "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you
  stop opening presents and listen,"  -- Bobby - age 7
 

Top
Subj:     Dear Santa Letter (S303b)
          From: RFflick on 11/21/2002
 Click 'HERE' to read 'Dear Santa Letter'

Top
Subj:     Christmas Political Poem (S203)
          From: RFSlick on 12/22/2000
 A Christmas card sent from a Democrat to his Republican Friend:

 the election is over, the results are known,
 the will of the people has clearly been shown.

 Let's forget the quarrels and show by our deeds,
 we will give our leader all the help that he needs.

 So let's all get together, and let bitterness pass,
 I'll hug your elephant and you kiss my ass.
 

Top
Subj:     Supreme Court Ruled On Nativity Scene (S201)
          From: KMACINTY on 12/7/2000
 The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity
 scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas.  This wasn't for
 any religious reasons. They simply have not been able to
 find three wise men and a virgin.
 

Top
Subj:     Three Wise Women (S200)
          From: TAdams on 11/30/2000
 A Thought For Christmas
 Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three
 Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?
 They would have asked directions,
 Arrived on time,
 Helped deliver the baby,
 Cleaned the stable,
 Made a casserole,
 Brought practical gifts and
 There would be Peace On Earth.
 

Top
Subj:     Christmas Poem (S151)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-12-10
 Visualize a small plastic bag of miniature marshmallows
 tied with a ribbon and a tag reading as follows:

        "I know how good you've been this year
         And so here is the scoop;
         All you get for Christmas this year
         Is a bag of Snowman poop."
                                          Author Unknown
 

From: Bawdy.Net on 97-12-25 (S151)
 Season's Greetings
 Money's Short
 Times are Hard
 Here's your
 Fucking Christmas Card

From: LABLaughs.com on 1/26/2002 (S264)
 "No gift is too small to give, nor too simple to receive,
 if it's chosen with thoughtfulness and given with love."

From LAWS file.
 In 1659, the State of Massachusetts outlawed Christmas...

From: TAdams on 3/21/2001 (S216)
(Also see 'Two Brothers At Christmas' in BROTHERS)
 "An optimist is someone who, when he finds a pile of manure
 under the Christmas tree, exclaims, "I'm getting a pony!"
   -- Ronald Reagan

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 12/16/2002 (S308b)
 I sometimes think we expect too much of Christmas Day. We
 try to crowd into it the long arrears of kindliness and
 humanity of the whole year. As for me, I like to take my
 Christmas a little at a time, all through the year. And
 thus I drift along into the holidays - let them overtake
 me unexpectedly - waking up some fine morning and
 suddenly saying to myself: 'Why this is Christmas Day!'
   -- David Grayson

From: LABLaughs.com on 5/31/2003 (S333b)
 A good conscience is a continual Christmas.
   -- Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)

From: igiggle on 12/1/2005 (S462b)
 A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory,
 like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
   -- Garrison Keillor

From: igiggle on 12/9/2005 (S464b)
 I heard the bells on Christmas Day; their old familiar
 carols play, and wild and sweet the word repeat of peace
 on earth, good-will to men! -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

From: igiggle on 12/13/2005 (S463b - quotes-comed-supp)
 Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them
 in time for Christmas.  -- Johnny Carson

From: igiggle on 12/15/2005 (S464b)
 Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want
 and adults pay for it.  Deficits are when adults tell the
 government what they want - and their kids pay for it.
   -- Richard Lamm, former governor of Colorado.

From: igiggle on 12/19/2005 (S465b in quotes-comed)
 For Christmas I gave my kid a BB gun.  He gave me a sweater
 with a bullseye on the back.  -- Rodney Dangerfield

From: igiggle on 12/20/2005 (S465b in quotes-comed)
 Last Christmas, I got no respect. In my stocking I got
 an Odor Eater.  -- Rodney Dangerfield

From: igiggle on 12/24/2005 (S465b)
 Parents of small children know, the shortest night of
 the year is Christmas Eve - from sundown to son up.
 

(S151)
 Q: How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
 A: They both have ornamental balls.

 Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
 A: You do all the work and the fat guy with
    the suit gets all the credit.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #34 on 98-02-04
 Q: What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
 A: The balls are just for decoration.

From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com 12/23/1999
 Q: Why did the snow man have a smile on his face?
 A: Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

 Q: How do they celebrate Christmas in Singapore?
 A: They beat you with a Candy Cane.

From: My neighbor Lee on 12/21/01 (S255)
 Q: What Christmas Carol was sung by the schizoid?
 A: It begins 'Do you know who I know'.

From: LABLaughsAdult on 1/18/2005 (S416b - trees)
 Q: What do you call a gay X-mas tree?
 A: Spruce

From: igiggle on 12/24/2005 (S465b)
 Q: What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
 A: "It's Christmas, Eve."

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........................From Smiley_Central
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