(Includes 72 jokes and articles, 30772,15,cf)
Click "Here" for Halloween-Supp
Ball from
AGAG Animation Gallery
| Subj:
Halloween Jokes
(Includes 72 jokes and articles, 30772,15,cf) Click "Here" for Halloween-Supp |
|
Ball from AGAG Animation Gallery |
Also see Epitaphs
- 'Halloween Tombstones'
4th_of_July - 'Homemade
Firework' - Movie
GRAVEYARD - 'Coffin
Attack'
MARRIAGE1 - 'Couple
Goes To Halloween Party'
......................-
'Second
- Couple Goes To Halloween Party'
WordJokes2 - 'The
Hills Have A Car Accident In Transylvania'
===========================================================Top
| Subj:
34 Halloween Costumes On Pets (S508)
From: darrell94590 on 10/12/2006 |
 |
To view these thirty-three very
cute pictures and stories
by clicking 'HERE'.
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Subj: Boy
w/Speech Impediment Goes Trick-Or_Treatin (S320, DU)
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/12/2003
A little boy, who has a speech
impediment, is trick-or-
treating on Halloween dressed
as a pirate. When he gets
to the first house, he knocks
on the door and an elderly
lady answers. "Twick-or-tweat,"
he says.
The lady says, "I don't understand
what you are trying
to say, little boy."
The boy, frustrated, says, "Twick-or-tweat."
The lady says, "I'm sorry, little
boy, but I don't
understand you."
The boy, now mad as hell, yells
to the lady, "Twick-or-
tweat."
The lady says, "Oh, oh, I get
it. Trick-or-treat. What
are you supposed to be anyway?"
The boy answers, "I'm a piwat."
"I don't understand you," says the lady.
The boy, getting frustrated,
again yells to the lady,
"I'm a piwat."
The lady replies, I'm sorry,
little boy, but I don't
understand you."
Screaming at the top of his lungs,
the boy says, "I'm a
piwat."
The lady replies, "Oh, oh, I
get it. You're a pirate.
Where are your buccaneers?"
"Wight here," replies the boy.
"Where are your buckin'
eyes?!?"
\\\//
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Subj: Halloween
Quiz (S300, DU)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/30/2002
HALLOWEEN QUIZ...what you don't know may scare you...
What is the reason behind the
tradition of dressing
up at Halloween?
1.) To scare off spooks
2.) To welcome Dracula
3.) To celebrate the dead
What fruit do people 'dunk' for
traditionally?
1.) Oranges
2.) Pears
3.) Apples
Which vegetable was originally
hollowed out for
lanterns in Scotland?
1.) Pumpkin
2.) Turnip
3.) Potato
In the popular television series
Buffy The Vampire
Slayer, what happened to Angel
when he found true
happiness?
1.) He became invisible
2.) He lost his soul
3.) He got a craving for brains
Who played the Dr. Sam Loomis
in Halloween?
1.) Tom Cruise
2.) Donald Pleasence
3.) Jamie Lee Curtis
Who played the first "Michael
Myers" in Halloween?
1.) John Couger Mellencamp
2.) Mike Myers
3.) Nick Castle
What colours are usually used
to represent Halloween?
1.) Black and orange
2.) Red and green
3.) Black and purple
Who can walk through walls?
1.) Grandmom
2.) Children
3.) Ghosts
What is a group of witches called?
1.) A gaggle
2.) A flight
3.) A coven
Which author wrote a series of
books called The Vampire
Chronicles including Interview
With The Vampire?
1.) Anne Rice
2.) Bram Stoker
3.) Mary Shelley
Which famous singer had a hit
with a song called Superstition?
1.) Boy George
2.) Michael Jackson
3.) Stevie Wonder
Who wrote the theme tune for
the X Files?
1.) Danny Elfman
2.) Phillip Glass
3.) Mark Snow
Answers:
Scare off spooks, apples, turnips,
he lost his soul,
Donald Pleasence, Nick Castle,
Black ? Orange, Ghosts,
Coven, Anne Rice, Stevie Wonder,
Mark Snow.
Four or less correct:
You're a Zombie - Did your longing
for brains distract
you from guessing the right
answers? I'd recommend less
time raking about in the mud
and more time reading our
spooky site!
Five or more correct:
You're a Vampire - You need
to get out more! You've been
lurking in that dark coffin
for too many years. Fangs for
trying!
Nine or more correct:
You're a Ghost - No doubt you
found these questions easier
than learning to walk through
your first wall, but there's
always room for improvement.
Twelve correct:
You're a Witch - Smart cookie!
But you probably cheated.
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Subj: Bald
Man w/Wooden Leg Goes To Party (S300b, DU)
From: kmacinty on 10/29/2002
There's a man with a bald head
and a wooden leg who gets
invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what
costume to wear to hide his
head and his leg so he writes
to a costume company to explain
his problem. A few days
later he received a parcel with
the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's
outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your
bald head and, with your
wooden leg, you will be just
right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible
because they have just
emphasized his wooden leg and
so he writes a letter of
complaint. A week
goes by and he receives another parcel
and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's
habit. The long robe will
cover your wooden leg and, with
your bald head, you will
really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since
they have gone from
emphasizing his wooden leg to
emphasizing his bald head
so again he writes the company
another nasty letter of
complaint. The next day
he gets a small parcel and a
note which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle
of molasses. Pour the
molasses over your bald head,
stick your wooden leg up
your ass and go as a caramel
apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
\\\//
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 |
Subj:
Halloween Flashers (S298)
From: pns on 10/13/2002 |
Click "HERE"
to see a very funny picture from Dr. Paul
Schacknow in Florida.
Thank you Paul, this picture made
my day.
PS - Other Halloween pictures are below the flasher.
\\\//
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Subj: Drunk
In The Pumpkin Patch (S194, S767)
From: ICohen on 10/19/2000
and
From: allenbergman on 9/22/2011
Source: http://www.snopes.com/risque/caught/pumpkin.asp
The police arrested Patrick Lawrence,
a 22-year-old, white
male, resident of Dacula, GA,
in a pumpkin patch at 11:38
p.m. on Friday. Lawrence
will be charged with lewd and
lascivious behavior, public
indecency, and public
intoxication at the Gwinnett
County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as
he was passing a pumpkin
patch he decided to stop.
You know, a pumpkin is soft
and squishy inside, and there
was no one around here for
miles. At least I thought
there wasn't, he stated in a
phone interview. Lawrence
went onto say that he pulled
over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that
he felt was appropriate to his
purposes, cut a hole in
it and proceeded to satisfy
his alleged need. I guess
I was just really into it, you
know, he commented with
evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence
apparently failed to notice
a Gwinnett County police car
approaching and was unaware
of his audience until
officer Brenda Taylor approached
him. It was an
unusual situation, that's for
sure, said officer Taylor.
I walked up to (Lawrence) and
he's just working away at
this pumpkin.
Taylor went on to describe what
happened when she
approached Lawrence. I
just went up and said, Excuse
me sir, but do you realize that
you are screwing a
pumpkin? He froze and
was clearly very surprised that
I was there, and then looked
me straight in the face
and said, "A pumpkin?
Damn...is it midnight already?"
This lewd but cute story is another
Urban Legend as checked
at http://www.snopes.com/risque/caught/pumpkin.asp.
\\\//
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Subj: Wolf
Man Comes Home After Work (S143, DU)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 10/28/1999
The Wolf Man comes home one day
from a long day at the office.
"How was work, dear?" his wife
asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to
sit down and eat a nice home cooked
meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm
not hungry! I don't wanna
eat! Alright! Is
that alright with you? Can I come home
from work and just do my own
thing without you forcing food
down my throat? huh?"
At this moment, the wolf man
started growling, and throwing
things around the apartment
in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife
sees a full moon and says to
herself, "Well, I guess it's
that time of the month."
\\\//
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Subj: Rules
For A Safe And Happy Halloween (S142, DU)
From: KMacinty on 10/20/1999
Just in case you have forgotten
the rules for a safe
and Happy Halloween.
1. When it appears that you
have killed the monster, NEVER
check to
see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement,
especially if the power has
gone out.
4. If your children speak to
you in Latin or any other
language
which they should not know, shoot them immediately.
It will save
you a lot of grief in the long run. However,
it will probably
take several rounds to kill them, so be
prepared.
This also applies to kids who speak with somebody
else's voice.
5. When you have the benefit
of numbers, NEVER pair off and
go it alone.
6. As a general rule,
don't solve puzzles that open portals
to
Hell.
7. Never stand in, on,
or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This
would
apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you're searching
for something which caused a loud noise
and
find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
9. If appliances start
operating by themselves, do not check
for
short circuits; just get out!
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which
looks deserted, there's probably
a good
reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
12. Don't fool with recombinant
DNA technology unless you're
sure
you know what you're doing.
13. If you're running from the
monster, expect to trip or fall
down
at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that
you
are running and the monster is merely shambling along,
it's
still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly
begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior
such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing
eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical
locations, some of which
are
listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania,
Nilbog
(you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the
Bermuda
Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of
gas at night on a lonely road, do
not
go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for
help.
If you think that it is strange because you thought
you
had a full tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going
to
die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. If you find that your house
is built upon a cemetery, now
is
the time to move in with the in-laws. This applies to
houses
that had previous inhabitants who went mad or died
in
some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed
satanic
practices in your house.
.. .
. and MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL. . .
REMEMBER
TO FLOSS AFTER EATING ALL THAT CANDY
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Subj: Vampire
Walks Into A Vampire Bar (DU)
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #291 on 99-03-12
This vampire walks into a vampire
bar and sits down. All the
other vampires around him are
quaffing pints of blood and the
bartender, figuring him to be
going for the same begins to
pour him a pint.
This vampire however tells him
to stop and asks for hot water
instead. Needless to say
the entire bar is silenced by this
unusual request and begins to
look at the newcomer with
interest. Finally the bartender
asks him, "You sure you want
hot water?"
"Yes."
"You sure you're a vampire."
"Yes."
"So why do you want hot water."
The vampire pulls a tampon out of his pocket and replies, "Tea."
\\\//
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Subj: Why
Pumpkins Are Better Than Men: (DU)
From: auntieg on 98-10-31
1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
2. No matter what your mood is,
pumpkins are always
ready to greet
you with a smile.
3. One usually makes a better pie.
4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!
5. If you don't like the way
he looks,
you just carve
up another face.
6. If he starts smelling up your
place,
you can just throw
him out.
7. From the start you know a
pumpkin has an empty,
mush filled head
to begin with.
8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up)
only
when you want him
to be.
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Subj: Halloween
Costumes (DU)
From: smiles on 98-10-28
.. about Halloween costumes..
while roaming the web I came
upon an amazing, comprehensive
site on costumes put together
by Julie Zetterberg, Seattle,
Washington, USA. Here's
halloween page:(links galore!)
http://members.aol.com/nebula5/hallocst.html
From there I found this:
Detroit News: Last Minute Costume
Ideas
By Svengoolie
(Rich Koz)
Rich Koz portrays the popular
character "Svengoolie" each week
on Channel 26 WCIU, or
"The U." Svengoolie introduces horror
movies, cracks jokes and comments
on the often-hilarious movies.
R2D2
The small and thin know what's
"in" for a last-minute SCI-FI
classic costume. Just get one
of those trash cans with the
rounded dome top and the big
flap on the front. Put it over
your head and climb inside,
bring along your cell phone and
start dialing to make those
audible "beeps" and "boops."
Voila -- you're the beloved
"Star Wars" droid R2D2!
ANTARTICA
Are you Portly? Pleasingly
plump? Big-boned? Just plain
overweight? Halloween
was meant for you! Simply throw that
white sheet over yourself, and
you're the continent of Antartica
BAKED POTATO
New parents! Are you confused
about how to dress your infant
for the Halloween party?
The answer is as close as your kitchen!
Simply wrap the offspring in
aluminum foil -- and the kid's a
baked potato!
UNIVERSAL BAR CODE
Get a child's growth chart with
the lines and numbers on it,
then affix it to your body from
head to toe. Every shopper
will recognize you as a price
in Universal Bar Code! This
costume will also protect your
anonymity: No one can tell
what the real price is, just
like at the grocery store!
PILLOWS
A simple pillow can provide any
number of last-minute costumes.
Tuck it into the upper back
of your shirt -- you're Quasimodo!
Or move it around to the front
-- you're Arnold Schwarzenegger!
Now drop it lower -- you're
Helen Hunt last season on "Mad
About You!" [pregnant]
Don't discard that pillow case -- put
it over the top part of your
body and you're a Chicklet!
UNPROGRAMMED VCR
Get a long and shallow cardboard
box.
Cut a rectangle in the front.
Climb inside it, then put a
sign that reads "12:00" in front of
the rectangle. Yes, you're an
unprogrammed VCR -- the kind that
60 percent of the public owns!
COTTON CANDY
Energy-conscious but short on
time for a clever costume?
Race up to your attic and roll
up some of that pink fiberglass
insulation you put up there
to conserve heat. Wrap the paper side
toward you and you're that favorite
circus treat, cotton candy!
[ED NOTE: I'm not sure how safe
that is, you decide]
LOST TV REMOTE
Art imitates life once again
with this cumbersome but easily
identifiable costume. Simply
remove two large seat cushions from
your sofa, and affix one in
front of you and one behind you.
You're an item familiar to all
-- the lost TV remote control!
WASH-and-WEARWOLF
Here's a new twist to an old
Wolfman mask.
Take an old laundry basket and
cut out the bottom so you can
stick your head through. Wrap
sheets of fabric softener, bed-
sheets and odd socks around
the rest of your body. You're a
Wash-and-Wearwolf!
MOUNT RUSHMORE
Get three friends.
Take one white sheet, and cut
four holes in it.
Whiten your faces and hair with
make-up, powder or flour. Then
line up and stick your heads
through the sheet, and enjoy your
monumental costume -- as Mount
Rushmore!
PORTABLE CLOTHES DRYER
Got an old diving or snorkeling
mask?
Stick some old baby socks and
a handkerchief in the lens and
put it on. Now move your
head up and down, and you're a
portable clothes dryer!
(Hey, these are last-minute ideas!
We didn't say they'd be good!)
RADON GAS
Go to a party dressed as you
are.
When asked what you're supposed
to be, say "Radon gas!"
Then when asked, "Where's your
costume?" say, "Where else? In
my basement!"
CELEBRITY LOOK-ALIKES:
SPICE GIRLS
Ladies! Want a quick costume
that'll make you as trendy as the
hip kids on MTV? Raid your kitchen
cabinets and take every bottle
of seasoning. Now tape the bottles
all over your body. You're
one of the SPICE GIRLS!
DENNIS RODMAN
Guys, here's a way to be environmentally
conscious with your
Halloween costume! Recycle your
old costumes to make new ones!
Find that old green hairspray
from the once-trendy "Joker" costume
everyone had after the first
"Batman" movie came out.
Then, dig up that Scarlett O'Hara
gown your girlfriend wore.
Combine 'em, and you're NBA
superstar Dennis Rodman! Tattoos and
body piercing are optional!
SIEGFRIED AND ROY
Does your child have one of those
huge plush lions or tigers?
Stuff a glove with cotton or
paper and glue it hanging out of
the animal's mouth. The result:
An instant costume with true
Vegas glamour -- you're Siegfried
and Roy!
We'll let you choose which Vegas
animal trainer to be!
DAVID LETTERMAN'S TEETH
You and a friend each get a large
appliance box and paint it white.
Put them on. Stand close together
with a slight space between you.
Behold! You're David Letterman's
front teeth!
IDEAS FOR PARTIES YOU'D RATHER MISS:
CABLE TV INSTALLER
Call the host and say you're
coming as a cable-TV installer.
Then, don't show up until a
week after the party, at a time when
the host isn't home! Make sure
you leave a pre-printed generic
"Sorry we missed you" note!
MARIS
Ladies, you can avoid parties
you'd rather not attend.
Just call and tell them you're
going to dress as Maris, the
well-known wife of Dr. Miles
Crain on "Fraiser."
Then you don't have to go. As
regular viewers know, Maris
is never seen on the show!
INVISIBLE MAN
The best last-minute idea for
a party you'd rather not attend:
Tell the host you'll be coming
as the Invisible Man.
Then don't show up!
EDITOR'S NOTE: Still not sure
what to wear? Here's some more
easy ones:
Mr. Potato Head: Fill a burlap
bag with old shirts or rags.
Using felt, cut out the eyes,
nose and mouth. Attach Velcro
to the backs of these items.
Use fiber- fill to stuff the parts.
Then attach the Velcro backs
to the suit. Use black sweat pants
or leotard for legs.
Mummy: Take white sheets, tear
up into long strips and wrap
them around the body.
Picnic Table: take plastic picnic
table cloth. Cut slit in
middle for your head. Glue on
paper plates, plastic forks,spoons
knives, plastic food
\\\//
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Subj: Dave
Barry On Halloween (S35, S141)
From: Daemonic Funnies Page
I love Halloween. It reminds
me of my happy childhood days as
a student at Wampus Elementary
School in Armonk, N.Y., when we
youngsters used to celebrate
Halloween by making decorations
out of construction paper and
that white paste that you could
eat. This is also how we celebrated
Columbus Day, Washington's
Birthday, Lincoln's Birthday,
Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter,
New Year's, Valentine's Day,
Mother's Day, Father's Day, Arm-
istice Day, Flag Day, Arbor
Day, Thursday, etc. We brought
these decorations home to our
parents, who by federal law were
required to attach them to the
refrigerator with magnets.
That was a wonderful, carefree
time in which to be a youngster
or construction-paper salesperson.
But it all ended suddenly
one day -- I'll never forget
it -- when the Soviet Union
launched the first satellite,
called ``Sputnik'' (which is
Russian for ``Little Sput'').
Immediately all the grown-ups
in America became hysterical
about losing the Space Race,
which led to a paranoid insecurity
about our educational
system, expressed in anguished
newspaper headlines asking,
``WHY AREN'T OUR KIDS LEARNING
IN SCHOOL?'' I wanted to
answer, ``BECAUSE ALL WE EVER
DO IS MAKE DECORATIONS OUT OF
CONSTRUCTION PAPER,'' but I
couldn't, because my mouth was
full of paste.
Getting back to Halloween: It's
still one of the most fun
holidays of the year, as well
as one of the most traditional,
tracing its origins back more
than 2,000 years to the Druids,
an ancient religious cult that
constructed Stonehenge as well
as most of the public toilets
in England.
The Druids believed that one
night each year, at the end of
October, the souls of the dead
returned to the world of the
living and roamed from house
to house costumed as Power Rangers.
Thus it is that to this day,
youngsters come to our door on
Halloween night shouting: ``Trick
or treat!'' According to
tradition, if we don't give
the youngsters a ``treat,'' their
parents will ``sue'' us.
That's why most of us traditionally
prepare for Halloween by
going to the supermarket and
purchasing approximately eight
metric tons of miniature candy
bars, which we dump into a big
bowl by the door, ready to hand
out to the hordes of trick-or-
treaters.
The irony, of course, is that
there ARE no hordes of trick-or-
treaters, not any more. We in
the news media make darned sure
of that. Every year we
publish dozens of helpful consumer-
advice articles, cheerfully
reminding parents of the dangers
posed by traffic, perverts,
poisoned candy, and many other
Halloween hazards that parents
would never think of if we
didn't remind them (``Have fun,
but remember that this year
more than 17,000 Americans will
die bobbing for apples'').
The result is that many children
aren't allowed to go trick-
or-treating, and the ones who
ARE allowed out come to your
house no later than 4:30 p.m.,
wearing reflective tape on
their Power Rangers costumes
and trailed at close range by
their parents, who watch you
suspiciously and regard whatever
candy you hand out as though
it were unsolicited mail from
the Unabomber.
So for most of Halloween, your
doorbell is quiet. This means
that you pass the long night
alone, hour after hour, just
you and the miniature candy
bars. After a while they start
calling seductively to you from
their bowl in their squeaky
little voices.
"Hey, Big Boy!" they call. "We're
going to waste over here!"
As the evening wears on they
become increasingly brazen.
Eventually they crawl across
the floor, climb up your body,
unwrap themselves and force
themselves bodily into your mouth.
There's no use hiding in the
bathroom, because they'll just
crawl under the door and tie
you up with dental floss and
threaten to squeeze toothpaste
in your eye unless you eat
them. At least that's
what they do to me. By the end of the
night my blood has the same
sugar content as Yoo-Hoo.
But eating huge amounts of candy
allegedly purchased for
youngsters is only part of the
Halloween tradition. The other
part is buying a pumpkin and
carving it to make a "jack-o'-
lantern," which sits on your
front porch, a festive symbol of
the age-old truth -- first discovered
by the Druids -- that
there is no practical use for
pumpkins.
Here's how to make a traditional
jack-o'-lantern:
1. Cut a lid on top of
the pumpkin.
2. Pull off the lid and
peer down into the slimy,
festering
pumpkin bowels.
3. Put the lid back on
and secure it with 200 feet of duct
tape.
(This is also the traditional procedure for
stuffing
a turkey.)
But however you celebrate Halloween,
make sure you remember
this important safety tip: (IMPORTANT
SAFETY TIP GOES HERE).
Otherwise, you will not survive
the night. I'd give you
more details, but right now
I need to do something about
these tiny Milky Ways crawling
up my legs.
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Subj: Top
10 Halloween Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't (S142, DU)
From: FrankRoesc on 98-10-28
10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag....OH!-You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth,
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
\\\//
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Subj: Top
l0 Signs You're Too Old To Be Trick-Or-Treating (S300b, DU)
From: flovilla on 10/31/2002
Courtesy of vintage David Letterman
l0. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for highfiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy
bar in your bag,
you lose
your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith
Richards mask!"
And you're
not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell
"Trick or..."
and can't
remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night,
you have a bag
full of restraining
orders.
3. You have to carefully chose
a costume
that won't
dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger
in the nieighborhood
with a walker.
l. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
\\\//
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Subj: Top
10 Reasons Trick-Or Treating Is Better Than Sex (S40, S141, DU)
From: auntieg on 97-10-31
(Also see 'Why
Trick Or Treating Is Better Than Sex' in Halloween-supp)
10. Guaranteed to get at least
a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10
minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the
easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment
the person who gave you candy.
6. Person you're with doesn't
fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache,
it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman
mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear
you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...
1. You can do the whole neighborhood.
or
1. If you don't get what you
want, you can always go next door!
\\\//
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Subj: Short
Halloween Jokes (S142)
| Subj:
14 Carved Pumpkins (S518c)
From: auntiegah on 12/19/2006 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Trick or Treat? (S512b)
From: darrell94590 on 11/7/2006 |
| Subj:
When Witches Go Halloweening (S511c)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/31/2006 |
 |
Top
Subj: Snail
Costume (S353b)
From: jokes on 11/1/2003
An Australian went to his mate's
Halloween party with
nothing but a naked girl on
his back.
"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.
"I'm a snail," the man replied.
"What a load of crap!" the host
spat. "How can you be a
snail when all you've got is
that naked girl on your back?"
"That's not a naked girl, mate,"
the bloke replied, "that's
Michelle."
 |
Subj:
Find The Red Dot (S508b)
From: darrell94590 on 10/16/2006 |
| Subj:
Scary Halloween Picture (S507c)
From: darrell94590 on 10/8/2006 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Masterpiece Pumpkins Official site (S457)
From: igiggle on 11/2/2005 |
Top
Subj: The
Little Buccaneer
From: humorlist-digest V2 #262 on 98-10-31
A little boy goes up to the
door and rings the bell. The
lady opens the door, and the
boy says, "Trick or treat!"
The lady says, "Well, aren't
you cute! What are you
supposed to be?" The boy,
miffed because he thought it
was obvious, says, "I'm a pirate!"
The lady, not realizing
her gaffe, says, "Well then,
where are your buccaneers?"
The boy says, "Jeez, lady, they're
on my buckin' head!"
| Subj:
Pumpkin Pie (S456b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 10/27/2005 |
 |
 |
Subj:
What Are You Wearing? (S456b)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 10/25/2005 |
| Subj:
Make Your Own Pumpkin (S457)
From: auntiegah on 10/22/2005 |
 |
Top
Subj: Three
Vampires Go Into A Bar (S300)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #263 on 98-11-01
and
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/30/2002
Three vampires went into a bar
and sat down.
The barmaid came over to take
their orders.
"And what would you, er, gentlemen
like tonight?"
The first vampire said, "I'll
have a mug of blood."
The second vampire said, "I'll
have a mug of blood."
The third vampire shook his head
at his companions
and said, "I will have a glass
of plasma."
The barmaid wrote down each order,
went to the
bar and called to the bartender,
"Two bloods and a blood light."
Top
Subj: Animated
GIF - Witch (S455b)
From: rfslick on 10/10/2005
 |
 |
Subj:
Witch (S455)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/6/2005 |
| Subj:
Frank Likes Candy (S455b)
From: LABLaughsRiddles on 10/6/2005 |
 |
 |
Subj:
Halloween Heads (S403b)
From: LABLaughsRiddles and From: Gibble Guts.com |
From: auntieg on 98-05-05
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters
wearing sheets
aren't going as ghosts but as
mattresses?
From: RFSlick on 10/22/1999 (S197)
and From: ICohen@oaklandnet.com on
11/09/2000
You know you're trailer trash
when......
The Halloween pumpkin on your
front porch
has more teeth than your spouse.
From: RFSlick on 12/29/1999 (S152)
A skeleton walks into a bar
and
says,
"Give me a beer and a mop."
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 10/30/2006
(S509b)
"There are three things I have
learned never to discuss with
people: religion, politics
and the Great Pumpkin."
-- Linus Van Pelt
in It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
Sent in (S141)
From: smiles on 98-10-30
Q: Where does Dracula keep his
valuables?
A: In a blood bank.
Q: How does a witch tell time?
A: She looks at her witch watch.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #263 on 98-11-01
Q: What do ghosts and goblins
drink on Halloween?
A: Ghoul-aid.
Q: What do ghosts serve for desert?
A: I scream.
Q: What kind of tie does a ghost
wear to a formal party?
A: A boo-tie.
Q: What was the witches' favorite
subject in school?
A: Spelling.
Q: How do you make a skeleton
laugh?
A: Hit him in the funny bone.
Q: What do you call a little
monster's parents?
A: Mummy and deady.
Q: Why couldn't Dracula's wife
get any sleep?
A: Because of his coffin.
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 10/29/1999
Q: Why did the Vampire get fired
from the Blood Bank?
A: He was caught drinking on
the job.
Q: Why do ghosts have so much
trouble dating?
A: Women can see right through
them.
Q: What kind of music do Mummies
listen to?
A: Wrap.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/28/2001
Q: Why do mummies have trouble
keeping friends?
A: They're so wrapped up in
themselves...
From: pns on 10/30/2003 (S352b)
Q: What do you get when you
divide the circumference
of a jack-o-lantern
by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi.
Q: How do you make a witch stew?
A: Keep her waiting for hours.
Q: How do ghosts begin their
letters?
A: "Tomb it may concern..."
Q: What happened to the guy who
couldn't keep up
payments to his
exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.
Q: How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch.
Q: Why are there fences around
cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying
to get in.
Q: What kind of street does a
ghost like best?
A: A dead end.
Q: How do you know if a ghost
is lying?
A: You can see right through
him.
Q: How is a werewolf like a computer?
A: They both have megabytes.
Q: Why don't witches like to
ride their brooms
when they're angry?
A: They're afraid of flying
off the handle.
Q: Where do ghosts go on vacation?
A: Lake Erie.
Q: How can you tell when a window
is scared?
A: They get shudders.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance
at the Halloween
party?
A: It had no body to dance with.
Q: When does a skeleton laugh?
A: When something tickles his
funny bone.
Q: Why is a ghost such a messy
eater?
A: Because he's always a goblin.
Q: What happens when a ghost
gets lost in a fog?
A: He's mist.
Q: What do you call a ghost with
a broken leg?
A: Hoblin Goblin.
Q: What do you call a wicked
witch who lives by
the sea?
A: A Sand-witch
Q: Who does a ghoul fall in love
with?
A: His ghoul friend.
Q: What is a vampires favourite
mode of
transportation?
A: A blood vessel.
\\\//
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 |
Smiley's costume from
Smiley_Central |