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Subj:     Halloween Jokes
                 (Includes 75 jokes and articles, 10 1045n,20,cf,vYT2b3,15)

          Click "Here" for Halloween-Supp


Ball from
AGAG Animation Gallery
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Includes the following:  Gary Varvel Cartoons (S1032 in Supp)
.........................Jeff Stahler Cartoons (S925 in Supp)
.........................Haunted House eCard - Video (S717 in Supp)
.........................Epic Halloween Prank - Video (S923 in Supp)
.........................Scary Legs - Simon's Cat (A Halloween Special) (S873-Supp)
.........................Peanuts Comic Strip VI (S926 in Supp)
.........................Witch's Brew - Video (S562c in Supp)
.........................The Fake Trick Or Treat (S666 in Supp)
.........................Bizarro Cartoon (S1029 in Supp)
.........................Cat Bowling - Game (S717 in Supp)
.........................Betty Carves Jack-O-Lanterns - Video (S1030 in Supp)
.........................Dancing Skeleton - Video (S925 in Supp)
.........................Halloween Quiz (S300, DU in Supp)
.........................Jeff Stahler Cartoons (S925 in Supp)
.........................
.........................Winnie The Pooh's Pumpkin Patch - Drawing (S924)
.........................Drunk In The Pumpkin Patch (S194, S767)
.........................Baby Owl Sings And Dances - Video (S981)
.........................Dave Barry On Halloween (S35, S141)
.........................34 Halloween Costumes On Pets - Photos (S508)
.........................Boy w/Speech Impediment Goes Trick-Or_Treatin (S320, DU)
.........................Kevin Spacey's Amazing Impressions - Video (S990)
.........................Bald Man w/Wooden Leg Goes To Party (S300b, DU)
.........................Halloween Flashers - Photos (S298)
.........................Wolf Man Comes Home After Work (S143, DU)
.........................Rules For A Safe And Happy Halloween (S142, DU)
.........................Pregnant Halloween Costume - Photo (S975)
.........................Vampire Walks Into A Vampire Bar (DU)
.........................Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men: (DU)
.........................When Witches Go Halloweening - Drawing (S511c)
.........................Halloween Costumes (DU)
.........................Top 10 Halloween Things That Sound Dirty (S142, DU)
.........................Pumpkin Pie - Cartoon (S456b)
.........................l0 Signs You're Too Old To Trick-Or-Treating(S300b, DU)
.........................10 Reasons TrickOrTreating Is Better Than Sex(S40, DU)
                         Short Halloween Jokes
..............................B.C. Sunday Comic Strip (S875 in Supp)
..............................Two Cute Halloween Babies - Photo (S874 in Supp)
..............................Peanuts Sunday Comic Strip (S874 in Supp)
..............................The Great Pumpkin Is Coming (DU in Supp)
..............................Why Trick Or Treating Is Better Than Sex (S769 in Supp)
..............................Pickles Comic Strip II (S720 in Supp)
..............................Dogs And Their Pumpkins (S666 in Supp)
..............................Halloween Answers Century Old Question! (S1030 in Supp)
..............................Halloween Stripper - Video (S666 in Supp)
..............................Halloween Math - Video (S666 in Supp)
..............................Left-Wing Vs. Right-Wing Halloween (S666 in Supp)
..............................Six Pickles Comic Strips (S665b in Supp)
..............................Four Peanuts Comic Strip (S612c in Supp)
..............................Steve Breen Political Cartoon (S739 in Supp)
..............................Trick Or Treat Possibilities (S821 in Supp)
..............................
..............................14 Carved Pumpkins (S518c)
..............................Trick or Treat? (S512b)
..............................Snail Costume (S353b)
..............................Scary Halloween Picture (S507c)
..............................Masterpiece Pumpkins Official site (S457)
..............................The Little Buccaneer
..............................Make Your Own Pumpkin - Video (S457)
..............................Three Vampires Go Into A Bar (S300)
..............................Animated GIF - Witch (S455b)
..............................Witch - GIF (S455)
..............................Frank Likes Candy - GIF (S455b)
..............................Halloween Heads - GIF (S403b)
..............................What Are You Wearing? (S456b)
..............................Find The Red Dot - PPS Test (S508b)

Also see 4th_Of_JULY  - 'Homemade Firework' - Video
         CHICKEN-SUPP - 'Chicken Ghost Stories'
         EPITAPHS     - 'Halloween Tombstones'
         FOOD-SUPP2   - 'Mother Goose And Grimm' - Comic Strip
         GRAVEYARD    - 'Coffin Attack'
         JEWISH RABBI - 'Non Sequitur' Cartoon
         MARRIAGE1    - 'Couple Goes To Halloween Party'
         WEDDING-SUPP - 'Two Brooms Get Married'
         WORDJOKES2   - 'The Hills Have A Car Accident In Transylvania'

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Subj:     Winnie The Pooh's Pumpkin Patch (S924d)
          Drawn by: Disney.co.jp
          From: Bonita Ahlers on Facebook
 Source: http://host2post.com/wallpapers/pumpkin-patch-winnie-pooh
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.....Click 'HERE' to see the full drawing.
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Top
Subj:     Drunk In The Pumpkin Patch (S194, S767)
          From: ICohen on 10/19/2000
      and From: allenbergman on 9/22/2011
 Source: http://www.snopes.com/risque/caught/pumpkin.asp

 The police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old, white
 male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38
 p.m. on Friday.  Lawrence will be charged with lewd and
 lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public
 intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

 The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin
 patch he decided to stop.  You know, a pumpkin is soft
 and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for
 miles.  At least I thought there wasn't, he stated in a
 phone interview.  Lawrence went onto say that he pulled
 over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that
 he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in
 it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need.  I guess
 I was just really into it, you know, he commented with
 evident embarrassment.  In the process, Lawrence
 apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car
 approaching and was unaware of his audience until
 officer Brenda Taylor approached him.  It was an
 unusual situation, that's for sure, said officer Taylor.
 I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's just working away at
 this pumpkin.

 Taylor went on to describe what happened when she
 approached Lawrence.  I just went up and said, Excuse
 me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a
 pumpkin?  He froze and was clearly very surprised that
 I was there, and then looked me straight in the face
 and said, "A pumpkin?  Damn...is it midnight already?"

 This lewd but cute story is another Urban Legend as checked
 at http://www.snopes.com/risque/caught/pumpkin.asp.

Top
Subj:     Baby Owl Sings And Dances (S981d)
          From: Florence Holloman on Facebook on 10/23/2015
 Source:  https://www.facebook.com/NeverTrust
..........ASmilingCat/videos/886190561477984/
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.......Click 'HERE' to watch "Owley" sing and dance.
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Top
Subj:     Dave Barry On Halloween (S35, S141)
          From: Daemonic Funnies Page

 I love Halloween. It reminds me of my happy childhood days as
 a student at Wampus Elementary School in Armonk, N.Y., when we
 youngsters used to celebrate Halloween by making decorations
 out of construction paper and that white paste that you could
 eat. This is also how we celebrated Columbus Day, Washington's
 Birthday, Lincoln's Birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter,
 New Year's, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Arm-
 istice Day, Flag Day, Arbor Day, Thursday, etc.  We brought
 these decorations home to our parents, who by federal law were
 required to attach them to the refrigerator with magnets.

 That was a wonderful, carefree time in which to be a youngster
 or construction-paper salesperson. But it all ended suddenly
 one day -- I'll never forget it -- when the Soviet Union
 launched the first satellite, called ``Sputnik'' (which is
 Russian for ``Little Sput'').  Immediately all the grown-ups
 in America became hysterical about losing the Space Race,
 which led to a paranoid insecurity about our educational
 system, expressed in anguished newspaper headlines asking,
 ``WHY AREN'T OUR KIDS LEARNING IN SCHOOL?'' I wanted to
 answer, ``BECAUSE ALL WE EVER DO IS MAKE DECORATIONS OUT OF
 CONSTRUCTION PAPER,'' but I couldn't, because my mouth was
 full of paste.

 Getting back to Halloween: It's still one of the most fun
 holidays of the year, as well as one of the most traditional,
 tracing its origins back more than 2,000 years to the Druids,
 an ancient religious cult that constructed Stonehenge as well
 as most of the public toilets in England.

 The Druids believed that one night each year, at the end of
 October, the souls of the dead returned to the world of the
 living and roamed from house to house costumed as Power Rangers.

 Thus it is that to this day, youngsters come to our door on
 Halloween night shouting: ``Trick or treat!''  According to
 tradition, if we don't give the youngsters a ``treat,'' their
 parents will ``sue'' us.

 That's why most of us traditionally prepare for Halloween by
 going to the supermarket and purchasing approximately eight
 metric tons of miniature candy bars, which we dump into a big
 bowl by the door, ready to hand out to the hordes of trick-or-
 treaters.

 The irony, of course, is that there ARE no hordes of trick-or-
 treaters, not any more. We in the news media make darned sure
 of that.  Every year we publish dozens of helpful consumer-
 advice articles, cheerfully reminding parents of the dangers
 posed by traffic, perverts, poisoned candy, and many other
 Halloween hazards that parents would never think of if we
 didn't remind them (``Have fun, but remember that this year
 more than 17,000 Americans will die bobbing for apples'').

 The result is that many children aren't allowed to go trick-
 or-treating, and the ones who ARE allowed out come to your
 house no later than 4:30 p.m., wearing reflective tape on
 their Power Rangers costumes and trailed at close range by
 their parents, who watch you suspiciously and regard whatever
 candy you hand out as though it were unsolicited mail from
 the Unabomber.

 So for most of Halloween, your doorbell is quiet. This means
 that you pass the long night alone, hour after hour, just
 you and the miniature candy bars.  After a while they start
 calling seductively to you from their bowl in their squeaky
 little voices.

 "Hey, Big Boy!" they call. "We're going to waste over here!"
 As the evening wears on they become increasingly brazen.
 Eventually they crawl across the floor, climb up your body,
 unwrap themselves and force themselves bodily into your mouth.
 There's no use hiding in the bathroom, because they'll just
 crawl under the door and tie you up with dental floss and
 threaten to squeeze toothpaste in your eye unless you eat
 them.  At least that's what they do to me.  By the end of the
 night my blood has the same sugar content as Yoo-Hoo.

 But eating huge amounts of candy allegedly purchased for
 youngsters is only part of the Halloween tradition. The other
 part is buying a pumpkin and carving it to make a "jack-o'-
 lantern," which sits on your front porch, a festive symbol of
 the age-old truth -- first discovered by the Druids -- that
 there is no practical use for pumpkins.

 Here's how to make a traditional jack-o'-lantern:
   1. Cut a lid on top of the pumpkin.
   2. Pull off the lid and peer down into the slimy,
      festering pumpkin bowels.
   3. Put the lid back on and secure it with 200 feet of duct
      tape.  (This is also the traditional procedure for
      stuffing a turkey.)

 But however you celebrate Halloween, make sure you remember
 this important safety tip: (IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP GOES HERE).
 Otherwise, you will not survive the night.  I'd give you
 more details, but right now I need to do something about
 these tiny Milky Ways crawling up my legs.

Top
Subj:     34 Halloween Costumes On Pets (S508)
          From: darrell94590 on 10/12/2006
 To view these thirty-three very cute pictures and stories
 by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Boy w/Speech Impediment Goes Trick-Or_Treatin (S320, DU)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 3/12/2003

 A little boy, who has a speech impediment, is trick-or-
 treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate.  When he gets
 to the first house, he knocks on the door and an elderly
 lady answers. "Twick-or-tweat," he says.

 The lady says, "I don't understand what you are trying
 to say, little boy."

 The boy, frustrated, says, "Twick-or-tweat."

 The lady says, "I'm sorry, little boy, but I don't
 understand you."

 The boy, now mad as hell, yells to the lady, "Twick-or-
 tweat."

 The lady says, "Oh, oh, I get it. Trick-or-treat.  What
 are you supposed to be anyway?"

 The boy answers, "I'm a piwat."

 "I don't understand you," says the lady.

 The boy, getting frustrated, again yells to the lady,
 "I'm a piwat."

 The lady replies, I'm sorry, little boy, but I don't
 understand you."

 Screaming at the top of his lungs, the boy says, "I'm a
 piwat."

 The lady replies, "Oh, oh, I get it.  You're a pirate.
 Where are your buccaneers?"

 "Wight here," replies the boy. "Where are your buckin'
 eyes?!?"

Top
Subj:     Kevin Spacey's Amazing Impressions (S990d)
          From: The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/-kWHMH2kxXs
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...Click 'HERE' to see this "Wheel of Impressions" contest.
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Top
Subj:     Bald Man w/Wooden Leg Goes To Party (S300b, DU)
          From: kmacinty on 10/29/2002

 There's a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets
 invited to a Halloween party.  He doesn't know what
 costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes
 to a costume company to explain his problem.  A few days
 later he received a parcel with the following note:

 Dear Sir,
 Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit.  The spotted
 handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your
 wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
 Very truly yours,
 Acme Costume Co.

 The man thinks this is terrible because they have just
 emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of
 complaint.  A week  goes by and he receives another parcel
 and a note, which says:

 Dear Sir,
 Please find enclosed a monk's habit.  The long robe will
 cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will
 really look the part.
 Very truly yours,
 Acme Costume Co.

 Now the man is really upset since they have gone from
 emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head
 so again he writes the company another nasty letter of
 complaint.  The next day he gets a small parcel and a
 note which reads:

 Dear Sir,
 Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses.  Pour the
 molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up
 your ass and go as a caramel apple.
 Very truly yours,
 Acme Costume Co.

Top
Subj:     Halloween Flashers (S298,cf,md4,2)
          From: pns on 10/13/2002

 Click "HERE" to see a very funny picture from Dr. Paul
 Schacknow in Florida.  Thank you Paul, this picture made
 my day.

 PS - Other Halloween pictures are below the flasher.

Top
Subj:     Wolf Man Comes Home After Work (S143, DU)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 10/28/1999

 The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
 "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

 "Listen!  I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

 "Okay.  Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked
 meal?" she asks nicely.

 "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry!  I don't wanna
 eat!  Alright!  Is that alright with you?  Can I come home
 from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food
 down my throat? huh?"

 At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing
 things around the apartment in a mad rage.

 Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to
 herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

Top
Subj:     Rules For A Safe And Happy Halloween (S142, DU)
          From: KMacinty on 10/20/1999

  Just in case you have forgotten the rules for a safe
  and Happy Halloween.

  1. When it appears that you have killed the monster,  NEVER
     check to see if it's really dead.

  2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

  3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has
     gone out.

  4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other
     language which they should not know, shoot them immediately.
     It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.  However,
     it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be
     prepared.  This also applies to kids who speak with somebody
     else's voice.

  5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and
     go it alone.

   6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals
      to Hell.

   7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt.  This
      would apply to any other house of   the dead as well.

   8. If you're searching for something  which caused a loud noise
      and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

   9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check
      for short circuits; just get out!

  10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

  11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably
      a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

  12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're
      sure you know what you're doing.

  13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall
      down at least twice.  Also note that, despite the fact that
      you are running and the monster is merely shambling along,
      it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

  14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
      behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing
      eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

  15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which
      are listed here:  Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania,
      Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the
      Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

  16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do
      not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for
      help. If you think that it is strange because you thought
      you had a full tank, shoot yourself instead.  You are going
      to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

  17. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now
      is the time to move in with the in-laws.  This applies to
      houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or died
      in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed
      satanic practices in your house.

      .. . . and MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL. . .
      REMEMBER TO FLOSS AFTER EATING ALL THAT CANDY

Top
Subj:     Pregnant Halloween Costume (S975)
          From: Claudia Rook on Facebook on 9/19/2015
 Source: http://jokideo.com/funny-pregnant-halloween-pictures/
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Top
Subj:     Vampire Walks Into A Vampire Bar (DU)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #291 on 99-03-12

 This vampire walks into a vampire bar and sits down. All the
 other vampires around him are quaffing pints of blood and the
 bartender, figuring him to be going for the same begins to
 pour him a pint.

 This vampire however tells him to stop and asks for hot water
 instead.  Needless to say the entire bar is silenced by this
 unusual request and begins to look at the newcomer with
 interest. Finally the bartender asks him, "You sure you want
 hot water?"

 "Yes."

 "You sure you're a vampire."

 "Yes."

 "So why do you want hot water."

 The vampire pulls a tampon out of his pocket and replies, "Tea."

Top
Subj:     Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men: (DU)
          From: auntieg on 98-10-31

 1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

 2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always
    ready to greet you with a smile.

 3. One usually makes a better pie.

 4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!

 5. If you don't like the way he looks,
    you just carve up another face.

 6. If he starts smelling up your place,
    you can just throw  him out.

 7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty,
    mush filled head to begin with.

 8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only
    when you want him to be.

Top
Subj:     When Witches Go Halloweening (S511c)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/31/2006
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
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Top
Subj:     Halloween Costumes (DU)
          From: smiles on 98-10-28

 .. about Halloween costumes.. while roaming the web I came
 upon an amazing, comprehensive site on costumes put together
 by Julie Zetterberg, Seattle, Washington, USA.  Here's
 halloween page:(links galore!) at http://www.costumepage.org/

 From there I found this:

 Detroit News: Last Minute Costume Ideas
     By Svengoolie (Rich Koz)

 Rich Koz portrays the popular character "Svengoolie" each week
 on Channel 26  WCIU, or "The U." Svengoolie introduces horror
 movies, cracks jokes and comments on the often-hilarious movies.

 R2D2

 The small and thin know what's "in" for a last-minute SCI-FI
 classic costume. Just get one of those trash cans with the
 rounded dome top and the big flap on the front.  Put it over
 your head and climb inside, bring along your cell phone and
 start dialing to make those audible "beeps" and "boops."
 Voila -- you're the beloved "Star Wars" droid R2D2!

 ANTARTICA

 Are you Portly?  Pleasingly plump?  Big-boned?  Just plain
 overweight?  Halloween was meant for you!  Simply throw that
 white sheet over yourself, and you're the continent of Antartica

 BAKED POTATO

 New parents!  Are you confused about how to dress your infant
 for the Halloween party?  The answer is as close as your kitchen!
 Simply wrap the offspring in aluminum foil -- and the kid's a
 baked potato!

 UNIVERSAL BAR CODE

 Get a child's growth chart with the lines and numbers on it,
 then affix it to your body from head to toe.  Every shopper
 will recognize you as a price in Universal Bar Code!  This
 costume will also protect your anonymity: No one can tell
 what the real price is, just like at the grocery store!

 PILLOWS

 A simple pillow can provide any number of last-minute costumes.
 Tuck it into the upper back of your shirt -- you're Quasimodo!
 Or move it around to the front -- you're Arnold Schwarzenegger!
 Now drop it lower -- you're Helen Hunt last season on "Mad
 About You!"  [pregnant]  Don't discard that pillow case -- put
 it over the top part of your body and you're a Chicklet!

 UNPROGRAMMED VCR

 Get a long and shallow cardboard box.
 Cut a rectangle in the front.
 Climb inside it, then put a sign that reads "12:00" in front of
 the rectangle. Yes, you're an unprogrammed VCR -- the kind that
 60 percent of the public owns!

 COTTON CANDY

 Energy-conscious but short on time for a clever costume?
 Race up to your attic and roll up some of that pink fiberglass
 insulation you put up there to conserve heat. Wrap the paper side
 toward you and you're that favorite circus treat, cotton candy!
 [ED NOTE: I'm not sure how safe that is, you decide]

 LOST TV REMOTE

 Art imitates life once again with this cumbersome but easily
 identifiable costume. Simply remove two large seat cushions from
 your sofa, and affix one in front of you and one behind you.
 You're an item familiar to all -- the lost TV remote control!

 WASH-and-WEARWOLF

 Here's a new twist to an old Wolfman mask.
 Take an old laundry basket and cut out the bottom so you can
 stick your head through. Wrap sheets of fabric softener, bed-
 sheets and odd socks around the rest of your body.  You're a
 Wash-and-Wearwolf!

 MOUNT RUSHMORE

 Get three friends.
 Take one white sheet, and cut four holes in it.
 Whiten your faces and hair with make-up, powder or flour.  Then
 line up and stick your heads through the sheet, and enjoy your
 monumental costume -- as Mount Rushmore!

 PORTABLE CLOTHES DRYER

 Got an old diving or snorkeling mask?
 Stick some old baby socks and a handkerchief in the lens and
 put it on.  Now move your head up and down, and you're a
 portable clothes dryer!  (Hey, these are last-minute ideas!
 We didn't say they'd be good!)

 RADON GAS

 Go to a party dressed as you are.
 When asked what you're supposed to be, say "Radon gas!"
 Then when asked, "Where's your costume?" say, "Where else? In
 my basement!"

 CELEBRITY LOOK-ALIKES:

 SPICE GIRLS

 Ladies! Want a quick costume that'll make you as trendy as the
 hip kids on MTV? Raid your kitchen cabinets and take every bottle
 of seasoning. Now tape the bottles all over your body.  You're
 one of the SPICE GIRLS!

 DENNIS RODMAN

 Guys, here's a way to be environmentally conscious with your
 Halloween costume! Recycle your old costumes to make new ones!
 Find that old green hairspray from the once-trendy "Joker" costume
 everyone had after the first "Batman" movie came out.
 Then, dig up that Scarlett O'Hara gown your girlfriend wore.
 Combine 'em, and you're NBA superstar Dennis Rodman! Tattoos and
 body piercing are optional!

 SIEGFRIED AND ROY

 Does your child have one of those huge plush lions or tigers?
 Stuff a glove with cotton or paper and glue it hanging out of
 the animal's mouth. The result: An instant costume with true
 Vegas glamour -- you're Siegfried and Roy!
 We'll let you choose which Vegas animal trainer to be!

 DAVID LETTERMAN'S TEETH

 You and a friend each get a large appliance box and paint it white.
 Put them on. Stand close together with a slight space between you.
 Behold! You're David Letterman's front teeth!

 IDEAS FOR PARTIES YOU'D RATHER MISS:

 CABLE TV INSTALLER

 Call the host and say you're coming as a cable-TV installer.
 Then, don't show up until a week after the party, at a time when
 the host isn't home! Make sure you leave a pre-printed generic
 "Sorry we missed you" note!

 MARIS

 Ladies, you can avoid parties you'd rather not attend.
 Just call and tell them you're going to dress as Maris, the
 well-known wife of Dr. Miles Crain on "Fraiser."
 Then you don't have to go. As regular viewers know, Maris
 is never seen on the show!

 INVISIBLE MAN

 The best last-minute idea for a party you'd rather not attend:
 Tell the host you'll be coming as the Invisible Man.
 Then don't show up!

 EDITOR'S NOTE: Still not sure what to wear? Here's some more
 easy ones:

 Mr. Potato Head: Fill a burlap bag with old shirts or rags.
 Using felt, cut out the eyes, nose and mouth. Attach Velcro
 to the backs of these items. Use fiber- fill to stuff the parts.
 Then attach the Velcro backs to the suit. Use black sweat pants
 or leotard for legs.

 Mummy: Take white sheets, tear up into long strips and wrap
 them around the body.

 Picnic Table: take plastic picnic table cloth. Cut slit in
 middle for your head. Glue on paper plates, plastic forks,spoons
 knives, plastic food

Top
Subj:     Top 10 Halloween Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't (S142, DU)
          From: FrankRoesc on 98-10-28

 10. She's a goblin!

  9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.

  8. Let me see your bag....OH!-You're having a great night!

  7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.

  6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch

  5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.

  4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.

  3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth,

  2. You scared me stiff!

  1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

Top
Subj:     Pumpkin Pie (S456b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 10/27/2005
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
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Top
Subj:     Top l0 Signs You're Too Old To Be Trick-Or-Treating (S300b, DU)
          From: flovilla on 10/31/2002
          Courtesy of vintage David Letterman

 l0. You get winded from knocking on the door.

  9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

  8. You ask for highfiber candy only.

  7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
     you lose your balance and fall over.

  6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!"
     And you're not wearing a mask.

  5. When the door opens you yell "Trick or..."
     and can't remember the rest.

  4. By the end of the night, you have a bag
     full of restraining orders.

  3. You have to carefully chose a costume
     that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

  2. You're the only Power Ranger in the nieighborhood
     with a walker.

  l. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Top
Subj:     Top 10 Reasons Trick-Or Treating Is Better Than Sex (S40, S141, DU)
          From: auntieg on 97-10-31

 (Also see 'Why Trick Or Treating Is Better Than Sex' in Halloween-supp)

 10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
  9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
  8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
  7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
  6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
  5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
  4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
  3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
  2. Less guilt the next morning.

  and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...

  1. You can do the whole neighborhood.
  or
  1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!


Subj:     Short Halloween Jokes (S142)

Top
Subj:     14 Carved Pumpkins (S518c)
          From: auntiegah on 12/19/2006
 Click 'HERE' to view fourteen well carved pumpkins. 

 

Top
Subj:     Trick or Treat? (S512b)
          From: darrell94590 on 11/7/2006
 REMEMBER.................. Your Mother Telling You Never
 Accept Candy From a Stranger?  Here is why!  You can view
 this colorful outfit by clicking 'HERE'.
 
 

Top
Subj:     Snail Costume (S353b)
         From: jokes on 11/1/2003
 An Australian went to his mate's Halloween party with
 nothing but a naked girl on his back.

 "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.

 "I'm a snail," the man replied.

 "What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a
 snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?"

 "That's not a naked girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's
 Michelle."
 
 

Top
Subj:     Scary Halloween Picture (S507c)
          From: darrell94590 on 10/8/2006
 You can view this very scary Halloween picture
 on my by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Masterpiece Pumpkins Official site (S457)
          From: igiggle on 11/2/2005
 Source: http://www.masterpiecepumpkins.com/
 I know Halloween is over, but you have to see these pumpkins.
 Click on Gallery option on the left side of the above source.
 

Top
Subj:     The Little Buccaneer
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #262 on 98-10-31
 A little boy goes up to the door and rings the bell.  The
 lady opens the door, and the boy says, "Trick or treat!"
 The lady says, "Well, aren't you cute!  What are you
 supposed to be?"  The boy, miffed because he thought it
 was obvious, says, "I'm a pirate!"  The lady, not realizing
 her gaffe, says, "Well then, where are your buccaneers?"
 The boy says, "Jeez, lady, they're on my buckin' head!"
 
 

Top
Subj:     Make Your Own Pumpkin (S457)
          From: auntiegah on 10/22/2005
 Source: (Removed from toilette-humor.com)
 You can practice your carving skills. All you need is a mouse.
 Just click click 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Three Vampires Go Into A Bar (S300)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #263 on 98-11-01
      and From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/30/2002
 Three vampires went into a bar and sat down.
 The barmaid came over to take their orders.
 "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"

 The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."
 The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."

 The third vampire shook his head at his companions
 and said, "I will have a glass of plasma."

 The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the
 bar and called to the bartender,
 "Two bloods and a blood light."
 

Top
Subj:     Animated GIF - Witch (S455b)
          From: rfslick on 10/10/2005
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Top
Subj:     Witch (S455)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/6/2005
..........At: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 This dirty, Halloween, animated GIF by clicking 'HERE'.
 
 

Top
Subj:     Frank Likes Candy (S455b)
          From: LABLaughsRiddles on 10/6/2005
 Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 This cute Halloween animated GIF by clicking 'HERE'.
 
 

Top
Subj:     Halloween Heads (S403b)
          From: LABLaughsRiddles
..........At: (Removed from gibbleguts.com)
 Click 'HERE' to view this cute political Halloween joke.
 

Top
Subj:     What Are You Wearing? (S456b)
          From: LABLaughsRiddles on 10/25/2005
.Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
 You can view this cute Halloween sign by clicking 'HERE'.
 

Top
Subj:     Find The Red Dot- PPS (S508b)
          From: darrell94590 on 10/16/2006
 This silly game, or test, is a 400 KB Power Point Show.
 You can play it on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
 
 

From: auntieg on 98-05-05
 Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets
 aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

From: RFSlick on 10/22/1999 (S197)
and From: ICohen@oaklandnet.com on 11/09/2000
 You know you're trailer trash when......
 The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch
 has more teeth than your spouse.

From: RFSlick on 12/29/1999 (S152)
 A skeleton walks into a bar and says,
 "Give me a beer and a mop."

From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 10/30/2006 (S509b)
 "There are three things I have learned never to discuss with
  people: religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin."
    -- Linus Van Pelt in It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
 

Sent in (S141)
From: smiles on 98-10-30
 Q: Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
 A: In a blood bank.

 Q: How does a witch tell time?
 A: She looks at her witch watch.

From: humorlist-digest V2 #263 on 98-11-01
 Q: What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
 A: Ghoul-aid.

 Q: What do ghosts serve for desert?
 A: I scream.

 Q: What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?
 A: A boo-tie.

 Q: What was the witches' favorite subject in school?
 A: Spelling.

 Q: How do you make a skeleton laugh?
 A: Hit him in the funny bone.

 Q: What do you call a little monster's parents?
 A: Mummy and deady.

 Q: Why couldn't Dracula's wife get any sleep?
 A: Because of his coffin.

From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 10/29/1999
 Q: Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank?
 A: He was caught drinking on the job.

 Q: Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
 A: Women can see right through them.

 Q: What kind of music do Mummies listen to?
 A: Wrap.

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/28/2001
 Q: Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
 A: They're so wrapped up in themselves...

From: pns on 10/30/2003 (S352b)
 Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference
    of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
 A: Pumpkin Pi.

 Q: How do you make a witch stew?
 A: Keep her waiting for hours.

 Q: How do ghosts begin their letters?
 A: "Tomb it may concern..."

 Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up
    payments to his exorcist?
 A: He was repossessed.

 Q: How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
 A: With a pumpkin patch.

 Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries?
 A: Because people are dying to get in.

 Q: What kind of street does a ghost like best?
 A: A dead end.

 Q: How do you know if a ghost is lying?
 A: You can see right through him.

 Q: How is a werewolf like a computer?
 A: They both have megabytes.

 Q: Why don't witches like to ride their brooms
    when they're angry?
 A: They're afraid of flying off the handle.

 Q: Where do ghosts go on vacation?
 A: Lake Erie.

 Q: How can you tell when a window is scared?
 A: They get shudders.

 Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the Halloween
    party?
 A: It had no body to dance with.

 Q: When does a skeleton laugh?
 A: When something tickles his funny bone.

 Q: Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
 A: Because he's always a goblin.

 Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
 A: He's mist.

 Q: What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
 A: Hoblin Goblin.

 Q: What do you call a wicked witch who lives by
    the sea?
 A: A Sand-witch

 Q: Who does a ghoul fall in love with?
 A: His ghoul friend.

 Q: What is a vampires favourite mode of
    transportation?
 A: A blood vessel.

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........................From Smiley_Central
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