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Subj:     Bar1 Jokes
                 (Includes 32 jokes and articles, 17 1035n,10,cf,wXT2a3,3)

Irish Pub  from
Degsworld
Includes the following:  Where Do Astronauts Hangout? - Drawings (S891)
.........................Colin's Friends (S31, S513)
.........................Is It Plastic Or Rubber? (S453b)
.........................Amazing Pole Dancing In A Bar - Video (S899)
.........................Woman At Bar Will Do Anything For $100 (S97, S768)
.........................Screams Come From Bar Bathroom (S271b)
.........................A Pastor, A Priest and a Rabbi..., - Cartoon (S967)
.........................Man Discusses Fight With Wife In Bar (S371b, S617c)
.........................Woman And Boyfriend In A Bar (S476b)
.........................A Girl In A Bar - Video (S466, S842)
.........................Man Helps Drunk Lady Walk Home (S456b)
.........................Angry Man Comes Into Bar (S421b, DU)
.........................A Girl Named Carmen (S391b, DU)
.........................How's Waldo? - Drawing (S889)
.........................All Drinks 10 cents (S337)
.........................Naming The New Bar (S322)
.........................Lieing To The Bartender (S276)
.........................Andy Capp Comic Strips (S609c)
.........................Bar Room Chat Translations: (S81)
.........................Two Blokes, A Suit, And A Goldfish (S123)
.........................Heartburn (S25)
.........................Priest, Rabbi, And A Duck Walk Into A Bar - 2 Cartoons (S1012)
.........................Three Dykes At A Bar (DU)
.........................Two Dykes At A Bar (S353b)
.........................Offended Woman At A Bar
.........................Shoe Sunday Comic Strip (S912)
.........................The Golden Saloon (S283b)
.........................Acronyms At The Bar (S38)
.........................Son Is Born With Just A Head (S49, S479)
.........................The Wizard of Id Comic Strip (S621)

Also see BALLS file   - 'Woman Ties Ribbon To Scrotum'
         BANKING-SUPP - 'Inheriting From Sickly Father'
         BATHROOM file- 'Bubba Wins A Toilet Brush'
......................- 'A White And Three Blacks At The Urnals'
         BIRDS-CHICKEN- 'A Guy Mates A Chicken'
         BIRTHDAYS    - 'Wife Takes Husband To Strip Club'
         BLACKS1 file - 'Angry Black In A White Bar'
......................- 'Chinese And The Black Bartender'
         BLONDE1 file - 'Three Ladies In A Bar'
......................- 'Ten Blondes Chant '51 Days' At Bar'
         BLONDE2 file - 'Bartender Spills Beer On Blonde'
......................- 'The Ventiloquist
         BUSH file    - 'Bush Plans World War III'
         CARS2 file   - 'Scary Car Ride In Mexico'
         CHEMISTRY    - 'Two Sodium Atoms'
         CHURCH-SUPP  - 'Bar Sues Church'
         COWBOY file  - 'Bar Scene In Tombstone Movie'
......................- 'Two Texans And A Choking Lady'
......................- 'Cowboy In A bar Has His Horse Stolen'
......................- 'Cowboy And Lesbian In A Bar'
         COWBOY2 file - 'Blonde Cowboy'
......................- 'A Cowboy Walks Into A Bar...'
         DATING1 file - 'Pick-Up Line Retorts'
         DATING2 file - 'Girl At Bar Invites Guy To Her Home'
......................- 'Finding A Picture Of The Competition'
         DATING3 file - 'Teddy Bears And Sex'
         DENTIST file - 'Dentist And A Girl Meet At A Bar'
         DOG1 file    - 'Aussie Beer Commercial' - Video
......................- 'A Doberman, A Chihuahua, And A Restaurant'
         DOG-SUPP     - '3 Soda Water Dogs At An English Pub' - Video
......................- 'A Redneck And His Dog'
         DRINKING     - 'Drunk Irishman Falls Down Leaving Bar'
         DRINKINGBR1  - 'Free Beer!'
......................- 'Penny Beer'
......................- 'Bloke Orders Five Pints'
         DRINKBR-SUPP - 'How Beer Works'
         FAT file     - 'Fat Chick Dancing On A Table'
         FISHING2 file- 'Dreaming Of Fishing'
         Gay file     - 'Football-Pool'
......................- 'Robber In A Gay Bar'
......................- 'Homosexual Sons Discussed At The Bar'
         GREEK file   - 'Woman In Bar Likes It 'Greek Style''
         HALLOWEEN    - 'Vampire Walks Into A Vampire Bar'
......................- 'Three Vampires Go Into A Bar'
         HANDICAPPED  - 'Using Sign Language In A Bar'
......................- 'Man With No Arms Has A Beer'
......................- 'Blind Man Has Beer At Texas Bar'
         HARLEY file  - 'Drunk Insults Biker In Bar'
         HOOKER file  - 'Barmail Does Sex For Money'
......................- 'Two Car Salesmen Talk In A Bar'
         HOOKER2 file - 'Happy Hour in Bangkok' - Photo/Video
         HOWTO file   - 'Bud Light Pick-up Line' - Video
         HUNTING-CAMP - 'Big_Game Hunter Brigs In Bar'
        HUNTING-SUPP - 'Non Sequitur Cartoon'
         IRISH1 file  - 'Paul McCartney Tells A Dirty Joke' - Video
......................- 'Dying Irishman Goes To Bar'
......................- 'Two Irish And An Indian Head At A Bar'
......................- 'Texan In An Irish Pub'
......................- 'Englishman, Scotsman, And An Irishman In A Bar'
......................- 'Irishman Drinks Three Pints Of Guinness'
......................- 'Irish, English And Scots Discussing Their Wives'
......................- 'Kelly And Riley Get In A Fight'
......................- 'Two Irish Meet In A Bar'
         IRISH2 file  - 'Puddle Fishing'
......................- 'Three English Taunt An Irish'
         JEWISH1 file - 'Jewish_Fly'
         JEWISH2 file - 'Israeli Stud And The Blonde'
         LAWYER2 file - 'Lawyers Are Assholes'
......................- 'Pretending To Be A Lawyer In A Bar'
         MARRIAGE2    - 'Husband Goes To Bar, Wife Wants Sex'
         MARRIAGE3    - 'Man Murders His Wife'
......................- 'Firing Starter Pistol During Sex'
         MARRIAGE6    - 'Guys Discuss Premarital Sex'
......................- 'Husband Comes Home Drunk Every Night From The Bar'
......................- 'Two Drunks At A Bar w/Ice Cubes'
         MARRIAGE-SUPP- 'Couple Christmas Shops At The Mall'
         MATH2 file   - 'Two Math Professors In A Bar'
         MATH4D file  - 'The Man In The Bar'
         MEN3 file    - 'Male Translations At A Bar'
         MEN4 file    - 'Three Guys Discuss Controlling Wives'
         MEXICAN file - 'Bounty Hunter In Mexican Bar'
.........NAT-STATES-SP- 'Titty Bar In Wisconsin'
         NERD file    - 'Nerd Season'
         NUNS2 file   - 'Nun Confronts Man By Bar'
         PEANUT file  - 'Guy Hears Voices In A Bar'
         PENIS1 file  - 'Man Thinks His Wife Is Unfaithful'
......................- 'Gay Bar Requires Dick Naming'
         PENIS2 file  - 'Texan Has A Baby'
         PHONE-SUPP   - 'European Fake Cell Phone Commercial' - Video
         POLISH file  - 'Irish, Italian And Polish Discuss Best Bar'
......................- 'Telling Polish Jokes In A Bar'
......................- 'Polack Bar Joke'
         POLICE1 file - 'Policeman And The Designated Drunk'
......................- 'Drunk Outside The Bar And The Cop'
.........POLIT-BUSH   - 'Bush Plans World War III'
         PREACHER file- 'Reverend John Fuzz Enters A Bar'
.........PREGNANT file- 'Three Guys Discuss Vacation'
         PSYCHOLOGY   - 'Psychology Experiment At A Bar'
         PSYCH-SUPP   - 'Bubba Went To A Psychiatrist'
         REDNECK3     - 'Jesus Sitting At The Bar'
         RIDDLE-SUPP  - 'Mr. Red, Mr. Green, Mr. Blue'
         SEX3 file    - 'Elderly Couple Has Sex Behind Bar'
         SEX-SUPP file- 'Sex Bar Tab'
         SHIP file    - 'John's Boat'
         SOUTHERN     - 'Taxidermist In Alabama Bar'
         TATTOOS file - 'Tattoos Of Love'
         THO-LRN-SUPP - 'Andy Capp Comic Strip'
         TRUCK-BUS    - 'Zimbabwea Bus Driver Stops At Bar'
         Waiter/Wtress- 'Waitress Says Yes'
         WEDDING-HNYNM- 'New Husband Wants To Go To The Bar'
         WOMEN1 file  - 'A Woman Says Yes For Money'
         WORDJOKES1   - 'Lone Ranger And Tonto In A Bar'

BAR1 are others bar jokes and short bar -jokes
BAR2 are "A guy walks into a bar" jokes
============================================================Top
Subj:     Where Do Astronauts Hangout? (S891d)
          From: Gloria Luzzi Maher on Facebook
 Source1: InspireFusion.com
 Source2: FunnyJunk.com
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..
Click 
 to see a second drawing.
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Top
Subj:     Colin's Friends (S31, S513)
          From: Rich One's Joke Page
      and From: drgolfmd on 11/18/2006

 A man sat all alone in a pub. He noticed another man sitting
 by the door who was greeted by everyone that walked in.  The
 first man thought "Why am I sitting here all alone when he
 seems to know everyone?", so he introduced himself to the
 other man who replied "Hi my name is Colin ". The first man
 said" You seem to know a lot of people Colin" to which Colin
 replied "Yes thats right ,in fact I know every famous person
 in the world".

 "Don't be so ridiculous!" said the first man ,and Colin
 explained that he could prove this by taking the man to meet
 any famous person he could think of.  Man said "Ok then
 Colin we'll go and see Tom Cruise",  "Fair enough"
 replied Colin "We'll fly to America tomorrow to visit him".

 So Colin and his new friend fly out to Hollywood and knock
 on Tom Cruise's door,and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts,
 "Colin!  Great to see you!  You and your friend come right
 in and join me for lunch!"

 After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he
 thinks knowing Cruise was just lucky.

 "No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.

 "President Bush", was the quick retort.

 "Yep", Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington"
 and off they go.

 At the White House, Bush spots Colin on the tour and motions
 him and his friend over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I
 was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come
 on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

 Well, the new friend is very shaken by now, but still not
 totally convinced.  After they leave the White House grounds,
 he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to
 name anyone else.

 "The new Pope", his new friend replies.

 "Probably my best friend in the whole world, I'll take you to
 see him if you like".  They are off to St Peter's Square and
 Colin says to the man "What I'll do is, I'll go and have a
 word with John Paul to see if he'll let me come out on the
 balcony with him when he gives his morning message to the
 crowd here.  If I do go on to the balcony you'll have to
 believe that I'm a friend of his, alright?"

 "Ok that's fine" replied the man.  At exactly 10 o'clock
 Colin walked out on the balcony with the Pope, as he did so
 he glanced down at the crowd and noticed that the man had
 fainted.  Colin made his excuses to the Pope and rushed down
 to the Square to see if the man was alright.  As he walked
 towards the man he was starting to come round and Colin
 asked if the man was ok, to which the man replied "Well I
 was fine, but when you came out on the balcony with the Pope
 the man standing next to me asked "Who the hell's that up
 there with Colin?"

Top
Subj:     Is It Plastic Or Rubber? (S453b)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #214 on 97-12-04

 A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and
 found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept
 mumbling and studying something in his hand.

 The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny
 object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks like
 plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers adding,
 "But it feels like rubber."

 Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"

 The drunk stammered, "Damn if I know, but it looks like
 plastic and feels like rubber."

 The lawyer said, "Let me take a look."

 And the drunk handed it over.  The attorney rolled it
 between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely.

 "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but
 I don't know what it is.  Where did you get it anyway?"

 The drunk replied, "Outa my nose."

Top
Subj:     Amazing Pole Dancing In A Bar (S899d)
          From: James Emerson on Facebook
..........At: (Removed from facebook.com/photo)

 This girl has amazing pole dancing skills and athleticisms.
 Click 'HERE' to see this amazing pole dance.

Top
Subj:     Woman At Bar Will Do Anything For $100 (S97, S768)
          From: thebartend on 98-11-30
      and From: virv on 9/30/2011

 A man was setting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail
 when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered.
 She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away
 from her.  The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare
 and walked directly towards him.  Before he could offer his
 apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll
 do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no
 matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted,
 the man asked what the condition was.

 The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me
 to do in just three words."  The man considered her proposition
 for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly
 counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young
 woman's hand. He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully
 said, "Paint my house"

Top
Subj:     Screams Come From Bar Bathroom (S271b)
          From: thebartend on 4/5/2002

 A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.  A
 few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard
 coming from the bathroom.  A few minutes after that,
 another loud scream reverberates through the bar.  The
 bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the
 drunk is screaming.

 "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You
 are scaring my customers!"

 "I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk,
 "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and
 squeezes the hell out of my balls."

 The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You
 idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Top
Subj:     A Pastor, A Priest and a Rabbi..., (S967)
          Drawn by Colby Jones on March 8,2015
          Posted by Lloyd Stiewig on Facebook
 Source: http://sircolby.com/cartoons/a-pastor-a-priest-and-a-rabbi/
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Top
Subj:     Man Discusses Fight With Wife In Bar (S371b, S617c)
          From: thebartend on 2/19/2004

 Walking into the bar, Mike said to the bartender, "Pour me
 a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman."

 "Oh yeah?" said Greg "And how did this one end?"

 "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands
 and knees."

 "Really? Now that's a switch!  What did she say?"

 She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chicken
 shit."

Top
Subj:     Woman And Boyfriend In A Bar (S476b, S842)
          From: thebartend on 2/21/2006

 A woman and her boyfriend are in a bar having a few drinks.
 While they're sitting there having a good time together she
 starts talking about this really great new drink.  The more
 she talks about it the more excited she gets and starts
 trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

 After a while he gives in and let's her order the drink for
 him.  The bartender brings the drink and puts the following
 on the bar: a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of
 lime juice.

 The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman
 explains, "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue,
 next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth
 and finally you drink the lime juice."

 So the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for
 it.  He puts the salt on his tongue - salty but okay.  He
 drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.
 He thinks - this is okay.  Finally he picks up the lime juice
 and drinks it...

 At one second the sharp lime taste hits, at two seconds the
 Baileys curdles, at three seconds the salty curdled bitter
 taste hits.  This triggers his gag reflex but being manly,
 and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the
 now nasty drink.

 When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend.
 She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it?
 It's called 'Blow Job's Revenge'."

Top
Subj:     A Girl In A Bar (S466d)
          From: jbcary1 on 12/25/2005
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/EF-BWP2KBN8

 This is a cute, funny, commercial for Danter Leather.  In
 it a girl in a bar who finds revenge.  You can view it on
 by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Man Helps Drunk Lady Walk Home (S456b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 10/14/2005

 A man was leaving the local pub at closing time, just after
 the bartender said "last call for alcohol". The man noticed
 a lady that had staggered out the door and fallen on her
 face in the snow. Being a nice guy, he proceeded to help
 her up. He told her,"It looks like you have had too much
 to drink tonight. Let me help walk you home for safety
 and warmth."

 She replied, "Sure, whatever you want." On the way home,
 the lady kept saying, "You're passionate, you're
 passionate," with slurredspeech, over and over again to the
 nice man.

 The man said, "Thank you very much; those are nice words,
 but I don't like to take advantage of drunk women." The lady
 said, "No! Are you stupid or something? I've been trying to
 tell you that you're passionate, but you just keep dragging
 me along. I said you're passionate - you passed my house
 four blocks ago and I need a drink!"

Top
Subj:     Angry Man Comes Into Bar (S421b, DU)
          From: DoctorDebt on 2/11/2005

 Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned
 over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

 "Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

 "See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
 home.  We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and
 we were just about to make love when her damned husband
 came in the front door.  So I had to jump out of the bedroom
 window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

 "Gee, that's tough," commiserated the bartender.

 "Right, but that's not what really got me," the customer
 went on.  "When her husband came into the room he said
 'Hey great!  You're naked already!  Let me just take a leak.'
 And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the
 window right onto my head?"

 "Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in
 a lousy mood."

 "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
 Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
 they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
 And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

 "Damn, that's awful!" says the bartender.

 "Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
 the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
 is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
 right on my head!"

 The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

 "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "But do you know what
 REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and
 saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground."

Top
Subj:     A Girl Named Carmen (S391b, DU)
          From: mrx on 7/18/2004

 A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady
 at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks he decided
 to offer her a drink and make small talk. She accepted.

 "What's your name?" he asked her.

 "Carmen," she replied.

 "That's a nice name. Did your mother or father name you
 that?"

 "Neither. I changed my name when I was eighteen from
 Sharon to Carmen."

 "Why did you do that?" he asked.

 "Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that
 is how I got my name. What's your name?"

 "Beerpussy," the man replied.

Top
Subj:     How's Waldo? (S889d)
          Drawn by Paul Norh
          From: George Takei on 12/5/2013
 Source: Tom Howard's Photos on Facebook
.........
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Top
Subj:     All Drinks 10 cents (S337)
          From: DoctorDebt on 7/14/2003

 Four retired guys are walking down a street in Milwaukee.
 Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's
 Bar " ..." ALLDRINKS 10 CENTS !".  They look at each other,
 then go in. The old bartender says in a voice that carries
 across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you,
 what'll it be, Gentlemen?"

 There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask
 for a martini.  In short order, the bartender serves up 4
 iced martinis --  and says, "That'll be 10 cents each,
 please."  They can't believe their good luck.  They pay
 the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another
 round.  Again, four excellent martinis are produced with
 the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please."
 They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than
 they can stand.  They've each had two martinis and so far
 they've spent less than a dollar.

 Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and
 asks the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis
 as good as these for a dime a piece?"

 "Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and
 I always wanted to own a bar.  Last year I hit the lottery
 for $25 million and decided to open this place.  Every drink
 costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

 "Wow. That's quite a story" says one of the men.  The four
 of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice
 three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a
 drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered any thing the
 whole time they were there.  One man gestures at the three
 at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender,
 "What's with them?"

 The bartender says, "They're from Florida, they're waiting
 for happy hour."

Top
Subj:     Naming The New Bar (S322)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 3/29/2003

 One day, a stranger approached a new bar.  There was a sign
 on the window that read, "Come inside and tell me what you
 think I should name my new bar.  If it's a good name, I'll
 give you free drinks for the rest of your life."  The
 stranger entered and got in line for his turn at the naming.

 The first guy said, "How about 'Fred's Bar'?"  The bartender
 replied, "No, I don't like that."

 The second guy said, "How about 'Hank's Bar'?" "No," said
 the bartender, "I think that is too plain of a name."

 This continued for hours.  Finally, it came time for the
 stranger to have his turn.  "How about 'Lucy's Legs'?"

 The bartender was overcome with happiness and instructed
 the stranger to come back in the morning for the start of
 his free drinks.

 The next morning, the stranger returned and was standing
 around waiting for the bar to open, when a cop drove by
 very slowly.  The cop went around the block a few times
 and finally pulled over to the side and asked the stranger
 why he was just standing around in front of the bar so
 early in the morning.

 The stranger replied, "I'm waiting for lucy's legs to open
 up so I can get my free drink."

Top
Subj:     Lieing To The Bartender (S276)
          From: twistedhumor.com on 12/12/2000

 A man in a bar had a couple of beers, and the bartender
 told him he owed 4 dollars.

 "But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer.

 "Okay," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, you did."

 The man then went outside and told a friend that the
 bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills.
 The second man then rushed in and ordered a beer.  When
 it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt.

 The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your
 word for it."

 Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend,
 and told him how to get free drinks.

 The man hurried into the bar and began to drink high balls
 when, suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You
 know, a funny thing happened in here tonight.  Two men
 were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that
 they did.  The next guy who tries that is going to get
 punched right in the nose."

 "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron
 responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Top
Subj:     Andy Capp Comic Strips (S609c)
          By Reg Smythe on 9/12/2008
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/andycapp/2009/07/18
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Top
Subj:     Bar Room Chat Translations: (S81)
          From: RFSlick on 98-08-12

 "You get this one, next round is on me."
 (We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

 "I'll get this one, next one is on you."
 (Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar,
 but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)

 "Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
 (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get
 your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

 (female) "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel."
 (I'm easy.)

 (male) "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel."
 (I'm gay.)

 (male to female) "Ever try a body shot?"
 (I'm even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get
 to lick you.)

 (female to male) "Ever try a body shot?"
 (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what
 I'll do to you on the ride home?)

 (female) "I don't feel well, let's go home."
 (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

 (male) "I don't feel well, let's go home."
 (I'm horny.)

 "Who's got the next round?"
 (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but
 I'm an expert at diverting attention.)

 "What do you have on tap?"
 (What's cheap?)

 (male) "Can I have a white Russian?"
 (I'm really gay.)

 (female) "Can I have a white Russian?"
 (I'm really easy.)

 "That person looks really familiar."
 (Did I sleep with him/her?)

 (female) "Can I just get a glass of water?"
 (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

 (male) "Can I just get a glass of water?"
 (I'm annoying, and cheap to boot.)

 (female) "I don't have my ID on me."
 (I'm only 19.)

 (male) "I don't have my ID on me."
 (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and
 blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)

 (male to male) Excuse Me."
 (Get the fuck out of the way.)

 (male to female) "Excuse Me."
 (I'm going to grope you now.)

 (female to male) "Excuse Me."
 (Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck
 out of the way.)

 And the best one,
 (female to female) "Excuse Me."
 (Move your fat ass.  Who do you think you are anyway?  You
 are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that
 you are.  Coming in here dressing like a ho...  Get your
 eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch like the slut
 that you are.

Top
Subj:     Two Blokes, A Suit, And A Goldfish (S123)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97

 (Also see 'Logic And The Weed-Eater' in COLLEGE1)

 There were two blokes called Tom and Dick at the pub.  They
 were regulars to the pub and were both truckies.  A profess-
 ional looking man walks in the front door arming the alarm
 on his Ferrari.

 Not many "suits" enter the pub, so Tom and Dick are instantly
 curious.  The suit walks past them into the mens room.  Tom
 and Dick are discussing what they think the man does for a
 living.  Tom thought he was an accountant and Dick thought
 he was a lawyer.  "I am going to go in there and ask him",
 says Tom standing up.

 When he went in the mens room, the "suit" was washing his
 hands. "G'day", says Tom. "My mate and I were just wondering
 what you do for a job."

 "I am a logical scientist", says the suit.

 TOM: what's that then?

 SUIT: I'll give you an example. Do you own a goldfish.

 TOM: Yeh, what about it?

 SUIT: Then it is logical to assume that you keep it in a
 tank or a pond.

 TOM: I keep it in a pond.

 SUIT: Well, having a pond it is logical to assume that you
 live in a big house.  And you wouldn't live in it by your-
 self, would you?

 TOM: No, I am married with 5 children.

 SUIT: That is a lot of kids. It would be logical to assume
 that you are active with your wife.

 TOM: That's right. Every night!

 SUIT: With that knowledge I can assume that you don't
 masturbate very often.

 TOM: No way.

 SUIT: You see.  That is my job.  From learning that you have
 a goldfish I have figured out many parts of your life.

 Tom left the mens room and went back to Dick.

 DICK: Well, what does he do.

 TOM: He is a logical scientist.

 DICK: What is that?

 TOM: I will give you an example. Do you own a goldfish?

 DICK: No.

 TOM: Then you are a wanker.

Top
Subj:     Heartburn (S25)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-07-13

 A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before
 closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender,
 barbender, I would like a Martoutsy."  The bartender
 brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.

 "Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the
 bartender brought her a Martini.  By this time the lady
 is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on.  She
 called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heart-
 burn."

 Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady,
 I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have
 been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and
 finally, you do not have heartburn, your tit is hanging
 in the ashtray."

Top
Subj:     Priest, Rabbi, and A Duck Walk Into A Bar (S1012)
          Drawn by Mark Lynch
 Source: http://www.toonpool.com/cartoons/Walk%20into%20a%20bar_261601
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Click 
 to see a second drawing.
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Top
Subj:     Three Dykes At A Bar (DU)

 Man in a bar sees three good-looking women at a table,
 fondling each other.  As he watches, two of them get up
 and start to slow-dance together.  The third walks over
 and sits on the bar stool next to him.

 As she hikes her skirt up high, showing him lots of leg,
 he thinks maybe she swings both ways.  She's got her legs
 parted, showing off a nice, trim snatch.  He's trying to
 find a comfortable way to arrange the bulge in his pants,
 when she leans toward him and says, "Would you like to smell
 some nice, fresh pussy?"

 He just knows he's gotten lucky, and answers, "You know it,
 baby!"  She leans a little farther forward, smiles, and
 blows a breath of air in his face.

Top
Subj:     Two Dykes At A Bar (S353b)

 (See 'Cowboy And Lesbian In A Bar' in COWBOY)

 A young man walks into a bar and notices two lovley young
 blond women sitting down.  He tells the bartender: "I'd
 like to buy those two ladies a drink."  The bartender
 gives him a funny look and answers, "I'm not so sure that
 is a good idea.  You see they're lesbians."

 "Sorry Mr. Bartender, but I don't know what you're talking
 about." So the bartender responded, "Why don't you go over
 there and ask them?"

 The young man walked over to the women and asked, "I hear
 you are lesbians, what does that mean?" One answered politely,
 "we'll we like to kiss, suck each others tits...."

 The young man yells to the bartender, "Hey get us three
 drinks here for us lesbians!"

Top
Subj:     Offended Woman At A Bar

 (See 'Doctor, A Woman, And A Cunt Of Ice Cream' in DOCTOR1)

 A young woman was sitting in a bar when a man walked over and
 said "excuse me I would like to throw you down and make love
 to you".  The woman, who was somewhat offended asked him to
 leave.

 A few minutes later he returned to her and said "I would like
 to throw you on the bar and bang the hell out of you right now!"
 The woman again asked him to leave.

 He returns a third time and says " I would like to turn you
 upside down, fill your pussy with beer and suck it out with
 a straw:  The woman, who is now very offended calls her boy-
 friend over to take care of the problem.

 She tells him of the first offer, and he rolls up one sleeve.
 She tells him of the second offer, and he rolls up the other
 sleeve.  She tells him the third offer, and he rolls down both
 sleeves.  Whats wrong?  she asks, aren't you going to take
 care of him?  No, he replies I'm not messing with anyone who
 can drink that much beer.

Top
Subj:     Shoe Sunday Comic Strip (S912)
          By Chris Cassatt and Gary Brookins on 7/8/12
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/shoe/2012/07/08
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Top
Subj:     The Golden Saloon (S283b)
          From: thebartend on 7/2/2002

 A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three
 sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his
 belly like a keg adrift in a hurricane.  He loop-legs
 through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling,
 figuring he's been out jumping new bones.

 "Where the hell you been all night?" she demands.

 "At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon.
 Everything there is golden."

 "Bullshit! There's no such place!"

 Guy says, "Sure there is!  Joint's got huge golden doors,
 a golden floor.  Hell, even the urinal's gold!"

 The wife still doesn't believe his story, and so the next
 day she checks the phone book, finding a place across town
 called the Golden Saloon.  She calls up the place to check
 her old man's story.

 "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender
 answers the phone.

 "Yes it is," bartender answers.

 "Do you have huge golden doors?"

 "Sure do."

 "Do you have golden floors?"

 "Most certainly do."

 "What about golden urinals?"

 There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender
 yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that
 pissed in your saxophone last night!"

Top
Subj:     Son Is Born With Just A Head (S49, S479)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #272 on 97-12-10
      and From: gattica30 on 3/24/2006

 A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.  The doctor
 comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without
 torso, arms or legs.  The son is just a head!

 The dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with
 love and compassion.  After 21 years, the son is old enough
 for his first drink.  Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully
 tells the son he is proud of him.  Dad orders up the biggest,
 strongest drink for his boy.

 With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender
 shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of
 alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

 The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.  The
 father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.  The patrons
 chant "take another drink"!  The bartender still shakes his
 head in dismay.  Swoooop!  Two arms pops out.

 The bar goes wild.  The father, crying and wailing, begs his
 son to drink again. The patrons chant "take another drink"!

 The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting
 tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink
 and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

 The bar is in chaos.  The father thanks God.  The boy stands up
 on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right....
 right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs
 into him and kills him.

 The bar falls silent.  The father moans in grief.  The bartender
 cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune.  The father
 looks at the bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so
 cold and callous?"

 The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

Top
Subj:     The Wizard of Id Comic Strip (S621)
          by Parker and Hart on 12/05/2008
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/wizardofid/2008/12/05
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.............................From Smiley_Central
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