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Subj:     Bar2 Jokes
                 (Includes 63 jokes and articles, 08 1023,3,cf,wYT2a,1)

          Click "Here" for Bar-Supp


Bartender from
Animated Cliparts
Contains the following:  A Neutron Walks Into A Bar... (S884 in Supp)
.........................Siamese Twins Walk In To A Bar.... (S973 in Supp)
.........................A Cowboy, A Muslim and A Indian (S1023 in Supp)
.........................Schrodinger's Cat Walks Into A Bar - Button (DU in Supp)
.........................This Guy walks Into A Bar.... (S805 in Supp)
.........................Funny Bar Jokes As Videos (S872 in Supp)
............................Season 3 Ep.27 - Magic Apples
............................Season 2 Ep.15 - Where's The Manager?
............................Season 1 Ep. 2 - Your Mom
............................Season 1 Ep. 7 - Familiar Faces
.........................Drinking A Waterloo (S683b in Supp)
.........................A Drunk And A Lesbian In A Bar (S634c in Supp)
.........................Two Guys In Bar Discuss Wives II (S621c in Supp)
.........................Wine Opener - Video (S507c in Supp)
.........................Piano Player Wanted In A Bar (S586b in Supp)
.........................Sportsman's Double (S538b in Supp)
.........................Old Lady At A Cruise Ship Bar (S525c in Supp)
.........................Andy Capp Comic Strip (622c)
.........................Drinks After Mining Accident (S493c in Supp)
.........................High-Tech Bar With Robot (S489 in Supp)
.........................Bartender Tricks - Video (S746 in Supp)
.........................Strongest Man Contest (S285 in Supp)
.........................Man With Hand Phone Goes Into A Bar (in Supp)
.........................Pissing On The Bar (S330 in Supp)
.........................Non Sequitur Cartoon (S1015 in Supp)
.........................Man And The Barrel Behind The Bar (in Supp)
.........................Picking Up An Older Woman In A Bar (n Supp)
.........................Guy Orders Expensive Drinks (in Supp)
.........................
.........................Bizarro's Escher's Pub Cartoon (S843)
.........................Three Ladies Give Husbands Nick Names (S212)
.........................Four Ladies Pay Dancer (S210, DU)
.........................Truck Driver Takes Little Man's Drink (S223, DU)
.........................Sad Drunk At A Bar (S193, S679b)
.........................Non Sequitur Cartoon (S925)
.........................Two Guys In Bar Discuss Wives (S322b)
.........................Two Husbands In Bar Discuss 'Going Home' (S176, S547)
.........................Drunk Refused Drink At Bar (S175)
.........................Mickey And The Barmaid Bet (S174)
.........................Man Wears Special Watch To Bar (S137, S637)
.........................Drunk Insults Three Men At A Bar (S110)
.........................The Drunk And The Ballerina (S209, S457)
.........................American, Canadian, And An Australian In A Seedy Bar
.........................Woman Rubs Barman's Facial Hair (S57, S553)
.........................Bar Contest For Jar Of Tens (S08, S607)
.........................New Bar Opening In New Orleans (S453)
.........................Oyster Bar Joke
.........................Taking A Shit At A Bar
.........................Drinking 12 Shots
.........................Bar With Genie (S128, S783)
.........................A Man And His Pocket At Bar (S225)
.........................Blowing Chunks
.........................Two Triple Martinis At A Bar (S23, S543)
                         Short Bar Jokes
............................Witty Restaurant/Bar Signs (S868 in Supp)
...............................Sweet Dreams - Cheese Sign (S888)
...............................Coffee Time Beam Me Up Scotty (S893)
...............................Your Beliefs Don't Make You A Better Person (S907)
...............................Booze And Calculus Don't Mix (S910)
...............................It's a Whiskey Business! (S914)
...............................Bar Chemistry Sign (DU)
...............................Are You Cold - Sign (S934)
...............................No Wifi - Sign (DU)
...............................Stare At Your Phone - Sign (S960)
...............................Skinny People - Sign (S965)
...............................Ex-Girlfriend's Heart - Sign (S979)
...............................Love At 2 AM - Sign (S979)
...............................Eat Bacon - Sign (S990)
...............................America Britain Competition - Sign (S1016)
...............................Trump Sandwich - Sign (S1023)
............................Man With A Gun Goes Into A Bar (S971 in Supp)
............................Husband Day Care Center (S812 in Supp)
............................Went To The Bar Last Night (S785 in Supp)
............................Shoe Sunday Comic Strip (S748 in Supp)
............................Two Old Guys In A Bar (S778 in Supp)
............................Bad Grammar Coffee Mug (S886 in Supp)
............................Rogers Political Cartoons (S723 in Supp)
............................Favorite Biker Bar (S699b in Supp)
............................The Difference Between A Norwegian And A Canoe (S573-Sup)
............................Rabbi, Priest, And Preacher Go Into A Bar (S491b in Supp)
............................__, __, __, And __ Walk Into A Bar (S851 in Supp)
............................
............................Buying A Lady A Drink (S478c)
............................Elderly Man Talks To Elderly Lady In A Bar (S425b)
............................Drunk Tries To Start A Fight In A Bar (S401)
............................Gynecologist Invents Drink (S371)
............................Man Takes Wife To Europe For 5th Anniversary (S340b)
............................Man Orders A Bush Beer (S335b)
............................Woman In Bar Will Screw (S310b)
............................Woman With Skin-Tight Pants In Bar (S265c)
............................Trying To Pick Up A Woman In A Bar (S244b)
............................Man Tells Bartender Troubles (S211)
............................Man Orders 5 Shots At Bar (S190)
............................Guy Tired Of Wife's Hole (S106)
............................Small Guy Is Punched Off Bar Stool (S171)
............................Pub Arthritis
............................Hamburger Goes Into A Bar (S235)
............................String Goes Into A Bar (S308b)
............................Exchanging Insults At A Bar
............................Nude Woman Goes Into A Bar

BAR1 are others bar jokes and short bar jokes
BAR2 are "A guy walks into a bar" jokes
============================================================Top
Subj:     Bizarro's Escher's Pub Cartoon (S843)
          By Dan Piraro on 8/3/2003
 Source: http://bizarro.com/comics/august-3-2003/
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Top
Subj:     Three Ladies Give Husbands Nick Names (S212)
          From: BennoRo on 2/22/2001

 Three ladies all have separate husbands named Leroy.

 One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of
 the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop,
 because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your
 Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

 The other two ladies agree.

 The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my
 Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"

 The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.

 Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain
 Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."

 Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other
 more high fives.

 The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good,
 but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."

 The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels?  That's
 not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"

 The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"

Top
Subj:     Four Ladies Pay Dancer (S210, DU)
          From: KMACINTY on 2/5/2001

 The other day, my friends and I went to a "Ladies Night Club."
 One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she
 pulled out a $10 bill.  When the male dancer came over to us,
 my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

 Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.  She
 calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and sticks it to
 his other butt cheek.

 In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend
 pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over and licks the bill.
 I am worried about where things are going, but fortunately she
 just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

 My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are headed,
 the guy gyrates over to me!  Now everyone's attention is
 focused on me and the guy is egging me on to top the $50.  My
 brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.  What could I do?

 Then the female marketer in me took over! I got out my ATM card,
 swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and
 went home.

Top
Subj:     Truck Driver Takes Little Man's Drink (S223, DU)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/8/2001

 There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking
 at his drink.  He didn't move for a half-an-hour.  This big
 trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him,
 took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
 The poor man started crying.

 The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just
 joking.  Here, I'll buy you another drink.  I just can't
 stand to see a man crying."

 "No, it's not that.  Today is the worst day of my life.
 First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting.
 My boss became outraged and fired me.  When I left the
 building to my car, I found out that it was stolen.  The
 police said they could do nothing.  I then got a cab to
 return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab
 had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.  I got
 home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I
 left home depressed and came to this bar.  And now, when
 I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show
 up and drink my poison."

Top
Subj:     Sad Drunk At A Bar (S193, S679b)
          From: thebartend on 10/3/00

 A man walks in a bar and sees a friend at a table, drinking
 by himself.  Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look
 terrible. What's the problem?"

 "My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

 "Gee, that's tough," he replied.

 "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died,
 leaving me $50,000."

 "Wow.  Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're
 depressed."

 "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

 "Three close family members lost in three months???  How sad!!!"

 "Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing!  Not a
 single dime!"

Top
Subj:     Non Sequitur Cartoon (S925)
          By Wiley Miller on 10/06/2014
Source: http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2014/10/06
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Top
Subj:     Two Guys In Bar Discuss Wives (S322b)
          From: igiggle on 6/5/2003

 Two guys in a bar are talking about their wives.

 "My wife is mad at me again," says the first.

 "Why?"

 "I was bombed at the bar across the street last night.
  And she came looking for me."

 "What'd you do?"

 "I asked her for her phone number."

Top
Subj:     Two Husbands In Bar Discuss 'Going Home' (S176, S547)
          From: AFine963 on 7/8/2007

 Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns
 to the other and says,  "You know, I don't know what else to
 do.  Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn
 the headlights off before I get to the driveway.  I shut off
 the engine and coast into the garage.  I take my shoes off
 before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get
 undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL
 wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

 His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking
 the wrong approach.  I screech into the driveway, slam the door,
 storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into
 bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . .
 and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

Top
Subj:     Drunk Refused Drink At Bar (S175)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/5/00

 A man walks into the front door of a bar.  He is obviously
 drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool
 and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.  The
 bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has
 already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served
 additional liquor.  The bartender offers to call a cab for
 him.

 The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles,
 climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front
 door.  A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the
 side door of the bar.  He wobbles up to the bar and hollers
 for a drink.  The bartender comes over and - still politely
 if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again
 offers to call a cab.  The drunk looks at the bartender for
 a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side
 door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

 A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the
 back door of the bar.  He plops himself up on a bar stool,
 gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.  The
 bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that
 he is drunk and will be served no drinks.  He then tells
 him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

 The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless
 anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

Top
Subj:     Mickey And The Barmaid Bet (S174)
          From: thebartend on 5/25/00

 Mickey was in a bar having a drink, and the barmaid was one
 sexy looking lady!  He slapped a ten spot on the table and
 said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to
 the bathroom."

 She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted
 the bet.

 He took his glass eye out, placed it beside the drink and
 went to the bathroom.

 "Betcha I can bite my own ear," Mickey challenged next.

 The bet was accepted.

 He took out his false teeth ? nipped his ear.  Once more
 he scooped up the money.

 "Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money
 back.  I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't
 feel a thing."

 Now that was one thing she knew about, so she accepted the
 bet.

 Mickey lifted her skirt and away they went.

 "I can feel you." she giggled.

 "Oh well," he screamed while cumming, "You win some, you
 lose some!!"

Top
Subj:     Man Wears Special Watch To Bar (S137, S637)
          From: DrRibeiro 09/15/1999

 A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next
 to a very attractive woman.  He gives her a quick glance, then
 casually looks at his watch for a moment.

 The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

 "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch
 and I was just testing it."

 The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?  What's
 so special about it?"

 "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

 "What's it telling you now?"

 "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

 The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then
 because I am wearing panties!"

 The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Top
Subj:     Drunk Insults Three Men At A Bar (S110)
          From: scott_pryor on 99-02-21

 (Also see 'Drunk Insults Biker In Bar' in HARLEY)

 A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender,
 "Bartender get me a tequila!" The bartender gets him a tequila.
 The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then he looks around
 the bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers.
 He points at one of them and says "You! I have slept with your
 mother!" The man looks at the old man then goes about drinking
 his beer.

 Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!" The
 bartender gets him another tequila. The old man drinks it as
 fast as he can.  Then he looks over at the three men.  He
 points at another man and shouts "You!  Your mother gives me
 a blow job!"  The second man looks at the old man, then goes
 about drinking his beer.

 Then the old man yells "Bartender!  Get me another tequila!"
 This time the bartender says "No, old man, you have had enough."
 "Just one more!!" yells the old man.  So the bartender gets
 him one more tequila.  The old man drinks it as fast as he can.
 Then looks at the three men. He points at the third man and
 shouts "You! I eat out your mother!"  The third man looks at
 the old man then looks at the other two men.

 All three of them get up and start walking over to the old man.
 Then they say "Come on dad, you have had too much to drink..."

Top
Subj:     The Drunk And The Ballerina (S209, S457)
          From: RFSlick on 98-04-08

 A drunk was sitting at a bar when a woman stood behind him
 and raised her arm really high to get the bartender's
 attention. The drunk saw that she had very hairy armpits.

 The drunk yelled at the bartender, "Get the ballerina a drink!"
 She got her drink and went away.  Later, she returned and
 raised her arm again.  The drunk saw her and yelled to the
 bartender, "Get the ballerina another drink!" She got her drink
 and went away again.

 The bartender asked the drunk how he knew she was a ballerina
 when she was a stranger and had never been in the bar before.

 The drunk replied, "She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift
 her leg that high."

Top
Subj:     American, Canadian, And An Australian In A Seedy Bar
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #235 on 98-03-09 (S58)

 (See 'Four Women On A Drive' in Nat-States-Supp

 An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a
 seedy bar enjoying a few beers.

 The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp,
 then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his
 handgun.  As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the
 Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A,
 they had so much money they never drank out of the same
 glass twice.

 Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the
 air and shot the glass with the American's gun.  As he was
 setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in
 Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he
 too never drank out of the same glass twice.

 Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the
 bar, and shot the American.  As he was setting the gun back
 on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have
 so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one
 twice.

Top
Subj:     Woman Rubs Barman's Facial Hair (S57, S553)
          From: auntiegah on 6/5/2003

 A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet
 rural pub.  She gestures alluringly to the barman who
 comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively
 signals that he should bring his face close to hers.  When
 he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is
 full and bushy.  "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly
 stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he
 replies.

 "Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she
 says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his
 hair.  "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly
 aroused.  "Is there anything I can do?"

 "Yes, there is.  I need you to give him a message" she
 continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his
 mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

 "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

 "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper,
 hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Top
Subj:     Bar Contest For Jar Of Tens (S08, S607)
          From: tom on 8/20/2008

 (Also see 'Stranded On Island With Natives' in STRANDED)

 A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large
 jar behind the counter which is filled to the brim with ten
 dollar bills.  The man guesses there must be thousands of
 dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: "What's
 up with the jar?"

 Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three
 tests, then you get all the money."

 Man: "What are the three tests?"

 Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules."

 So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it
 to the jar.  Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First
 you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the
 WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it.
 Second, there is a pit bull chained up out back with a sore
 tooth...you have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
 Third, there is a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had
 an orgasm in her life.  You gotta make things right for her."

 Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot,
 I won't do it.  You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila
 and get crazier from there."

 Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar."
 Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks
 "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"  He grabs the gallon of tequila
 with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.  Tears are
 streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.  Next
 he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a
 huge scuffle going on.  They hear barking and screams, yelps
 and growling, and eventually silence.

 Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers
 back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over
 his body.

 "NOW," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

Top
Subj:     New Bar Opening In New Orleans (S453)
          From: darrell94590 on 10/4/2005
 To view the new bar, click 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Oyster Bar Joke (gross)

 A man sits himself down at an oyster bar.  Next to him sits
 another man, staring in rapt fascination at a platter of
 oysters on the half shell before him.  The first man--an
 oyster fanatic--is amused by the scene.  And hungry, as the
 aroma of the oysters invades his olfactory senses.

 Moments pass.  No waitperson.  Just the man to his right,
 staring almost obsessively at the platter of oysters on the
 half shell.  The first man is getting anxious.

 Finally, when he can't stand it any longer, he seizes an
 oyster from the other man's platter, downs it with gusto,
 and heaves a contented sigh.

 This snaps the second man out of his seeming trance, and
 now has him staring at the first man in complete surprise.

 "I'm sorry" the first man says, "but I saw you staring at
 those oysters, I couldn't get any service, and well...I
 love oysters.  Forgive me?"

 The second man shakes his head, saying "Forget about it.
 What I want to know is, how'd you keep it down?  I tried
 that one four times already..."

Top
Subj:     Taking A Shit At A Bar

 This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night.
 Men and women stood three-deep at the bar.  Our man, who
 felt nature calling strongly, looked about him but couldn't
 see anything that resembled a john.

 He saw a stairway and bounded up the steps to the second
 floor in his increasingly desperate search.  Just as his
 bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a one-foot by one-
 foot hole in the floor.  Now, at the end of his control,
 he decided to take advantage of the hole.  He dropped his
 pants, hunched over it, and did his thing.

 Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the steps
 to find, to his surprise, that the bar which had been so
 crowded a few minutes ago, was now empty.

 "Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is
 everyone?"  From behind the bar a voice responded, "Where
 were you when the shit hit the fan?"

Top
Subj:     Drinking 12 Shots
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #8

 This guy goes into a bar, sits down, and orders 12 Scotch
 ? Sodas.  Not believing his ears, the Bartender says  "Did
 you say 12 Scotch ? Sodas?"

 "Yep," says the guy, "and I want all twelve now, right in
 a line."

 "OK" says the bartender, and he serves them all up.

 The customer proceeds to work his way down the line, one
 after another, till he finishes the very last one.

 The bartender inquires, "Excuse me, but you must be having
 a celebration of some kind?"

 "That's right, my very first blowjob!" says the customer.

 Bartender: "Well, in that case, let me buy you one myself."

 Customer: "No thanks, if the first 12 don't get the taste
 out of my mouth, I don't think another one will do any good!"

Top
Subj:     Man Brings 1 Foot Pianist To Bar (S128, S783)
          From: tom on 7/9/99 and 1/14/2012

 (Also see 'Minnesota Fishing Genie' in GENIE)

 A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
 places the bag on the counter.  The bartender walks up and
 asks what's in the bag.  The man reaches into the bag and
 pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him
 on the counter.  He reaches back into the bag and pulls out
 a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches
 into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
 which he places in front of the piano.

 The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
 beautiful piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?"
 says the bartender.  The man responds by reaching into the
 paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it
 to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it." So the bartender
 rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a
 beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you
 one wish. Just one wish --- each person is only allowed one!"
 The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says,
 "I want a million bucks!"  A few moments later, a duck walks
 into the bar.  It is soon followed by another duck, then
 another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks
 and they keep coming!

 The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think
 your genie's a little deaf.  I asked for a million bucks,
 not a million ducks." "Tell me about it!!" says the man,
 "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

Top
Subj:     A Man And His Pocket At Bar (S225)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/22/2001

 A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and
 orders a double martini on the rocks.  After he finishes
 the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders
 the bartender to prepare another double martini.  After he
 finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket
 and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

 The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis
 all night long, but you gotta tell me why you look inside
 your shirt pocket before you order a  refill."

 The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.
 When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

Top
Subj:     Blowing Chunks (S271)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97

 After a hard day at the office, three guys decide to go out
 for a cocktail to wind down.  The bar becomes very crowded,
 a few drinks turns into many and soon everyone is tanked.
 All three lose track of each other and end up going home
 separately. The next day at the office, the three gather by
 the water cooler to discuss the past evenings events.

 The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I
 drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as
 I got through the door, I blew chunks."

 To which the second guy replied, "You think that was drunk?
 I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped
 my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have
 insurance!"

 And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I
 got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle
 over and burned the whole house down!"

 There was silence for a moment and then the first guy
 exclaimed, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand...
 Chunks is my dog."

Top
Subj:     Two Triple Martinis At A Bar (S23, S543)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-28

 A Chicken Farmer walks into a bar, sits down and orders a
 triple martini.

 The bartender says "What a coincidence, the only other person
 at the bar is that beautiful woman at the other end.  She is
 also drinking triple martinis".

 After a few sips of his drink, the farmer walks up to the woman
 and says, "Isn't it a coincidence that we are both having the
 same drink".

 The farmer says, 'This is a special day for me.  I'm
 celebrating!'

 This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating'
 says the woman.

 'What a coincidence,' says the Farmer.  As they toasted glasses,
 he asks, 'What are you celebrating?'

 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today
 my Gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!'

 'What a coincidence,' says the man.  'I'm a chicken farmer.
 For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're
 finally laying fertilized eggs!'

 'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens
 become fertile?'

 'I switched cocks,' he replies.

 She smiles, blushes, and says, 'What a coincidence...

 She replies "Yes! I am here because I am celebrating. After
 20 years of trying I am finally pregnant!"

 "What a coincidence" the man replied. "I am also celebrating.
 After years of experimenting, I have invented a multicolored
 chicken."

 At this, the woman asked "How did you ever accomplish that!?".

 "I had to try a lot of different cocks" he said.

 The woman replied "What a coincidence!!!!"


Subj:     Short Bar Jokes

Top
Subj:     Buying A Lady A Drink (S478c)
          From: darrell94590 on 3/16/2006
 A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a Woman
 sitting by herself ;

 Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

 Lady: "No thank you; alcohol is bad for my legs."

 Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

 Lady: "No, they open!"
 

Top
Subj:     Elderly Man Talks To Elderly Lady In A Bar (S425b)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 3/1/2005
 A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed,
 hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel
 smelling slightly of a  good after shave, presenting a well
 looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
 Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).
 The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a
 drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do
 I come here often?"
 

Top
Subj:     Drunk Tries To Start A Fight In A Bar (S401)
          From: JokesUncut on 9/17/2004
 A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can
 lick any man in the place!"

 The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says:
 "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a
 gay bar?"
 

Top
Subj:     Gynecologist Invents Drink (S371)
          From: Grampsboyd on 2/4/2004
 Guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got
 any specials today?"

 Bartender says, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new
 drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours.  It is
 a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."

 The guy asks, "Geeze, what the heck is that?"

 The Bartender says we call it a "Pabst Smir."
 

Top
Subj:     Man Takes Wife To Europe For 5th Anniversary (S340b)
          From: igiggle on 8/3/2003
 A guy goes into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a drink,
 I'm celebrating my fifth anniversary."

 The bartender comes over and says, "Sure, kid, the drink is
 free.  What are you going to do to celebrate?"

 He says, "Well, I'm going to take my wife to Europe."

 The bartender says, "You're going to take your wife to Europe
 for your fifth anniversary? That's pretty good.  What are you
 going to do for your tenth?"

 The guy says, "I'm going to go and get her."
 

Top
Subj:     Man Orders A Bush Beer (S335b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 6/29/2003
 A guy walks into a bar and says to the woman bartender,
 "Hey, babe, Anheuser Busch?"

 "Fine", she says, "and how's your dick?"
 

Top
Subj:     Woman In Bar Will Screw (S310b)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 1/10/2003
 A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed
 woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and
 says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"  She turns to him,
 looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody
 any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."

 The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law
 firm do you work for?"

Top
Subj:     Woman With Skin-Tight Pants In Bar (S265c)
          From: BennoRo on 2/24/2002
 A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a really
 gorgeous woman.  The first thing he notices about her
 though, are her pants.  They were skin-tight, high-
 waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons
 or velcro) for opening them.  After several minutes of
 looking her over and puzzling over how she got the
 pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve
 to ask her. "Excuse me miss, but how do you get into
 your pants?"

 "Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."
 

Top
Subj:     Trying To Pick Up A Woman In A Bar (S244b)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #217 on 97-12-16
 A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in
 on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made
 his move.

 "No thank you." she said politely.  "This may sound rather
 odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until
 I meet the man I love."

 "That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

 "Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my
 husband pretty upset."
 

Top
Subj:     Man Tells Bartender Troubles (S211)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 2/14/2001
 BARTENDER: I think you've had enough sir.
 DRUNK: I just lost my wife, buddy
 BARTENDER: Well, it must be hard losing a wife...
 DRUNK: It was almost impossible.
 

Top
Subj:     Man Orders 5 Shots At Bar (S190)
          From: thebartend on 9/22/00
 A man stumbles up to the bar looking very haggard. and
 says "give me 5 shots of whisky and right now"

 The bartender lines up 5 shot glasses on the bar, and
 fills them with whiskey.  As he turns around from putting
 the bottle up he notices that the 5 shot glasses are empty.
 "God almighty, that was fast."

 The man says " ya, well you would drink fast too if you
 had what I have."

 The bartender takes a step back and says "what have you
 got?'

 They guy pulls his hand out of his pocket and says "$0.75".
 

Top
Subj:     Guy Tired Of Wife's Hole (S106)
          From: david_scott on 99-02-08
 A guy goes to his regular bar after work and sits down next
 to his friend.  He says to his friend "I think I need a
 divorce."

 His friend expresses surprise and asks "How long have you
 been married, and what's the problem."

 The guy answers "I've been 18 years and am tired of the same
 old hole, but I'm not one to go out and cheat on my wife.

 The friend offers "Just flip your wife over and do the other
 hole.

 The guy retorts, "What and have a bunch of babies?"
 

Top
Subj:     Small Guy Is Punched Off Bar Stool (S171)
          From: ipkis on 97-07-01
 There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer,
 minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big
 dude comes in and WHACK!!-- knocks him off the bar stool and
 onto the floor.  The big dude says, "That was a karate chop
 from Korea."

 The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool
 and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK -- the
 big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop
 from Japan."

 The little  guy has had enough of this...  He gets up, brushes
 himself off and quietly leaves.  The little guy is gone for an
 hour or so when he returned.  Without saying a word, he walks
 up behind the big dude and --Wham!!!"--  knocks the big dude
 off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

 The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes
 to, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears."
 

Top
Subj:     Pub Arthritis
 There was the blok whose doctor told him he had pub arthritis.
 "Pub arthritis?" said thc bloke,  "what's that?" "Well, it's
 like this," said thc doctor,  "every night you get stiff in a
 different joint."
 

Top
Subj:     Hamburger Goes Into A Bar (S235)
          From: THE GAG ROOM. 03/16/97
 A hamburger walked into a bar, climbed up onto a bar
 stool, looked at the bartender and ordered a tall cold
 beer.  The bartender looked at the hamburger for a moment
 and replied, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't sell you that
 drink."  The hamburger thought about this for a second
 and said, "I'm over 21.  Why can't you sell me a drink?"
 After looking at the hamburger for another moment, the
 bartender replied, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food in here."

 2ed Vers.
 A ham and cheese sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender
 says "SORRY WE DON'T SERVE FOOD HERE"

 3rd Vers.
    From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 7/30/2001
 Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender looks them
 over, then says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."
 

Top
Subj:     String Goes Into A Bar (S308b)
          from THE GAG ROOM, 03/16/97
 A string walks into a bar and orders a drink.  Looking at
 the string, the bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve
 strings."
 "What? That sucks," said the string.  So the string walks
 into the bathroom and ties himself up and messes up his
 ends.  A couple moments later he comes back out and
 approaches the bar again and again orders a drink.
 "Hey, aren't you that string?" asks the bartender.
 "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."
 

Top
Subj:     Exchanging Insults At A Bar
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-07-18
 Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to
 display an ugly side.  An unescorted female sat down beside
 him and he whispered to her, "Hey!  How about it babe?   You
 and me?"

 As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look
 like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two
 dollars."

 She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you
 think I charge by the inch ?"
 

Top
Subj:     Nude Woman Goes Into A Bar
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #189
 A woman walks into a bar totally nude and asks the barkeep
 if he can serve her a drink.  He looks her up and down and
 says, "Well sure, but it doesn't appear by your appearance
 that you'll be able to  pay for it."

 The woman throws one leg up on a bar stool and shows what
 she's got, "Will this do?" she asks.

 The barkeep takes a look and responds, "Ya got anything
 smaller?"
 

 J.F.K and Bobby Kennedy walk into a bar and the the bartender
 says, "What'll it be?" J.F.K says, "Give us a couple of
 shooters."

 2 gays sitting at the bar. One turns around to the other
 and says "Hey, let me move your stool for you"!

 Two gay guys get in a fight in a bar.  They go outside to
 exchange blows.

 A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar.
 "A pint of lager and a mop please."  --  Howard Burgess

 Two men walk into a bar. You would think the second one
 would of ducked.
   --  Shaun Haapala, Daniel L. Miller, and John Stoffer

From: auntieg on 98-02-12 (S124)
 A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much
 for a beer?"  The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

 A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
 The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here."  The
 mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a fun guy!"

From: DR SWITZER on 98-04-16 (S384b)
 A set of jumper cables goes into a bar.  The bartender sees
 them ? say's "Hey, what are you doing in here?"  "Just want
 to have a drink ? relax awhile" was the reply.  "Well, all
 right.  Just don't start anything!"

From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 10/1/2001 (S244)
 "Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils:
 people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing."
   -- Tom Dreesen

From: LABLaughs.com on 6/8/2003 (S322)
 Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear
 Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't
 know where it's been.

From: LABLaughsClean 2004-10-19 (S406b - bar2)
At: LABLaughs@LABLaughs.com on 10/28/2004
 Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
 and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

 Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

 A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender
 says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here.

From: Anonymous Junior (S409)
At: http://www.funny2.com/bar.htm on 11/21/04
 John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why
 the long face?"

 A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.
 He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son,
 you're not."  So the drunk says it to the second priest.  The
 second priest says, "No, son, you're not."  The drunk says,
 "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the
 two priests.  The bartender takes one look at the drunk and
 exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

From: darrell94590 on 11/4/2005 (S457b, S786 - handicapped)
And From: Today's Joke of the Day on 2/5/2012
 A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

From: drgolfmd on 6/8/2006 (S489b - big-cats)
 Two guys are chatting in a bar.  One says "Did you know that
 lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
 "Damn," says his friend. " and I just joined the Elks."
 

 Q: How do they seperate the men from the boys in a gay bar?
 A: with a crowbar.

 Q: Did you hear about the two condoms outside a gay bar
 A: One said to the other "Want to go inside and get shit-faced"

 Q: What is the hottest pickup line in a gay bar?
 A: Can I push your stool in for you?

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.............................From Smiley_Central
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