Subj: Bar Jokes With Animals
(Includes 33 jokes and articles, 22 1032,6,cf,wXT4,1)
Animated GIFs Collection
Also see BAR-Supp
- 'Schrodinger's Cat Walks Into A Bar'
BEAR file - 'Polar Bear Walks Into A Bar'
......................- 'Bear Goes To A Bar'
BLACKS2 file - 'Black Walks Into Bar W/Parrot'
DOGS1 file - 'Man And Talking Dog Go To Bar'
......................- 'Man And Talking Dog Go To Bar II'
.........DOGS3 file - 'Three Legged Dog Goes In A Bar'
FOOTBALL file- 'Man w/Dachshund Goes To A Bar'
FROG file - 'Man Goes To Restraunt w/Hamster And Frog'
LAWYER2 file - 'Man Goes Into A Bar With An Alligator'
PIG file - 'Pig Goes Into A Bar'
RATS AND MICE- 'Three Mice Bragging In A Bar'
WAITER file - 'Man And Ostrich Enter Restaurant'
Subj: Monkey In Bar Tells Joke (S486, S797d)
From: darrell94590 on 5/9/2006
.......Click 'HERE' to see this very funny, thirty-four
.......second video of a great, classic, monkey joke.
Subj: Three Dogs In A Bar (S300, S689b)
From: thebartend on 10/29/2002
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman
and a Bulldog are in
a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female
Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver
and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love
liver and cheese." The
Collie says, "That's not good enough.
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver
and cheese." She says,
"That's not creative."
Finally, with his Mexican accent,
the Chihuahua says,
"Liver alone......cheese mine."
Subj: Man Discusses Dead Dog At Bar (S176, DU)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/11/00
A timid little man ventured into
a biker bar in the Bronx and,
clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen
owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man wearing biker
leathers with his body hair
growing out of the seams turned slowly on his stool. He
looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my
"Well," squeaked the little man,
very nervous, "I believe
my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big
man in disbelief. "What in the hell
kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four-week-old puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker,
"How could your puppy kill my
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
Subj: Non Sequitur Cartoon (S817)
By Wiley Miller on 9/6/2012
Subj: Guy w/Three Ducks Goes To Bar (S237, S714)
From: auntieg on 98-08-20
and From: thebartend on 8/8/2001
This guy walks into a quiet bar.
He is carrying three
ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He
places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats
with the Bartender.
The Bartender is experienced
and has learned not to ask
people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so
he doesn't mention the ducks.
They chat for about 30 minutes
before the bloke with the
ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on
the Bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There
is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to
make some conversation.
"What's your name?" He says to the first duck.
"Huey" said the duck.
"How's your day been?"
"Great. Lovely day.
Had a ball. Been in and out of
puddles all day".
"Oh. That's nice.", says the
Bartender. Then he says to
the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been?".
"Great. Lovely day. Had
a ball. Been in and out of
puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I
would do the same again".
So the Bartender turns to the
third duck and says
"So, you must be Louie".
"No", growls the 3rd duck, "My
name is Puddles.
Don't ask about my f***ing day".
Subj: Alligator Goes To A Bar (S309b, S839)
From: catlynnbray on 10/5/2006
and From: sam.hutkins on 2/3/2013
(Also see 'Bar with Monkey' in this file
and 'Trucker Picks Up A Hitchhiker' in TRUCK-BUS)
A man walks into a bar with an
alligator. The bartender
tells him to take the alligator and leave. The man pleads
with the bartender that the alligator will do the most
amazing act on his stage if he and the alligator can stay
and can then have free drinks for the evening.
The bar owner agrees and man
and the alligator move to the
stage. He places the alligator on a stool beside him and
proclaims "What I am about to do will be absolutely one of
the most incredible sights you will ever behold, but please
I beg you to hold your applause until after the performance,
as Daisy gets a little nervous by such loud noises." With
that being said, the man takes a rolled up newspaper and
WHACK across the alligator's head. The alligator responds
by slowly opening it's massive jaws. The crowd gasps.
The man then unzips his fly and
lays his member atop the
animal tongue. Then once more WHACK across the alligator's
head. The alligator responds by SNAP closing his jaws
around the man's penis. The crowd is stunned there are
men going pale, women passing out. All the while, the man
gazes out with absolute confidence. Then finally once more
WHACK across the alligator's noggin with the newspaper.
The alligator responds by slowly opening his jaws once more.
There wasn't as much as a scrape on the man as his organ
had been resting between the staggered teeth of the animal.
The bartender, astonished, steps
up onto the stage, and
shakes the man's hand. "That was truly amazing. Of course
you may stay." He then looks out at the dazed crowd and
asked "Is there anyone else in the room willing to do that?!!"
An effeminante man gently replied
"Uh, I will, if he doesn't
hit me in the head with that newspaper too hard."
Subj: True Magazine Cartoon (S1032)
From: Fred's mother on 10/22/2016
Subj: Bar With Horse (S412b)
From: Anonymous Junior on 12/19/04
A young guy walks into a pub
and sees a somber faced horse
sitting at the far end of the bar. In front of the horse
is a brandy glass full of $10 notes. Being curious, the
young guy turns to the manager and asks him to explain.
"It's a game, you place $10 into
the brandy glass, and try
to make the horse laugh. If he laughs you get the cash."
The young man immediately walks up to the horse and places
$10 into the glass. He then leads the horse into the toilets
and whispers something into the horses ear. The horse emerges
from the toilets roaring with laughter, looking back at the
young man only to laugh even louder and harder. The young man
collects his cash and leaves.
A week later the young guy returns
and sees the same horse
sitting at the bar, his brandy glass full of $20 notes. The
manager sees the young man and walks over saying "This week
it's $20, and you have to make the horse cry. Make him cry
and you get the cash".
The young guy immediately walks
up to the horse and places
$20 into the brandy glass. He then leads the horse into the
toilets, while the whole bar goes quite. Ten seconds later
the horse bursts from the toilets, tears streaming down his
face, genuine sorrow racking his body, eventually running
from the bar screaming in his emotional agony.
The young guy collects his cash
and goes to leave when the
manager stops him and begs him to tell them how he won both
times. The man replied "The first time I told him my dick
was bigger than his. The second time I showed him".
Subj: Bar With Monkey (S185)
(Also see 'Trucker
Picks Up A Hitchhiker' in TRUCK-BUS
and 'Alligator Goes To A Bar' in this file)
A man walks into a bar and sees
a monkey perched on a stoll.
He immediatly breaks into a fit complaining about health
regulations and all that. The bartender says "Calm down.
This is a trained Monkey!"
The man replies "Oh ya? What can it do?"
The bartender takes out a bat and whacks the monkey upside
the head. The monkey jumps off the stool, runs to the tap.
Poors the bartender a beer, runs back, gives the bartender
the beer, uzips his pants and gives him a blow job.
The man says "Holy shit. I've never seen anything like that
in my life!"
The bartender asks the man if he wants to try it.
The man says "Sure. Just don't hit me as hard as you hit the
Subj: Monkey Goes To A Bar (S25, S840)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #15 on 98-01-16
and From: virv on 2/11/2013
A guy walks into a bar with his
pet monkey. He orders a drink
and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then
grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool
table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth,
and to every one's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the
guy, "Did you see what your monkey
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise
me," replied the guy, "he eats
everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for
the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill,
pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar
again, and has his monkey with
him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around
the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey
finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up
his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a
peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats
The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did
now?" He asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino
cherry and a peanut up his ass,
pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to shit
out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Subj: Light Bulb Goes Into A Bar (S605c)
By Brian Boychuk, Ron Boychuk, Ronnie Martin
From: Chuckle Bros Comics on 8/6/2009
Source: (Removed from creators.com)
Subj: Panda Goes To A Bar (S288)
..........From: auntiegah on 8/7/2002
A panda walks into a bar and
orders a ham sandwich. He
gobbles it down, then turns to the bar, draws a gun, fires,
and shatters the mirror behind the bar. As quickly as he
entered, the panda turns on its heels and heads for the door.
The bartender shouts in disbelief,
"hey, what the hell do
you think you're doing?"
The panda turns, points to itself
and says, "I'm a !@#$%?*
panda, buddy. Go look it up!" Then he heads on out the door.
The bartender goes into the back
room and pulls an old Webster's
dictionary off the shelf.
Opening to 'panda' he reads:
Panda: (Ailuropoda melanoleuca)
Bear-like mammal native
exists as an endangered species on the eastern front of the
Tibetan plateau of China in three neighboring provinces.
Black with distinctive white markings on face, body and paws.
Eats shoots and leaves.
Subj: Panda Goes To A Bar (2ed vers.)
A panda escapes from the zoo,
and is walking around town.
He thinks "I could really go for some companionship!" Off
he goes down to the local bar to try and pick up a girl.
The panda's at the bar, and this
girl (a prostitute) slides
up to him and starts hitting on him. Panda thinks "Hello!
I'm hot tonight!"
So they end up back at her place
and the Panda says "I'm
really hungry, do you have any food?"
The prostitute gives him some
food, and then they do the
deed. Afterwards the panda gets up and starts to leave.
The whore doesn't like this and says "Where are you going
and where's my money?"
Panda says " Money? What are you talking about?"
The prostitute says, "I'm a prostitute for pete's sake!!"
Panda says "What's a prostitute?"
She throws him a dictionary and says "Look it up!!"
Panda looks it up : PROSTITUTE - A woman who has sex for money.
Panda throws the dictionary back
at her and says "So what,
I'm a panda"
The prostitute says "So!!!"
The panda says, "Look it up!!"
She looks it up, and reads out
aloud "PANDA - Eats shoots
Subj: Octopus Goes To A Bar (S508b)
A very distinguished gentleman
in a tuxedo entered a lively
night spot followed closely by an octapus. The gentleman
set on a bar stool and the octapus slimed up on the stool
next to him. Turning to the bartender the gent says, "Two
manhattans please my good man."
The bartenders eyes were as big
as lemons. Being quite
intoxicated, nothing was going to upset him. Two manhattans
were ordered, so two manhattans were mixed and served.
The gentleman slowly sipped his
drink and was obviously
starting to relax. The octopus put out a tentacle, grabed
the second drink and sligged it down. This was too much
for the bartender who passed out. Jumping across the bar
the gent revives the bartender and apologezed profusely.
"I very sorry for not having explained about my friend Octy.
He's a concert pianist and has just finished a major
performance. He's still so nervous, I thought a drink might
help him relax."
"That thing can play an instrument" replied the bartender.
"That thing can play any instrunemt
in the world, Octy is
a great musician.
Looking over the bar at the shaking
pile of arms the bartender
retorted "A jazz group plays here each evening, let's see if
Octy can play a piano."
The octopus immediately slimed
down and slithered over to the
piano. It slimed up on the stool, extended to tentacles and
started playing. Two more tenticles grabbed the drum sticks,
two more grabbed the sax, and two more grabbed the guitar.
By this time a crowd of happy drunks had formed.
Before you knew it, Octy was
taking requests from the audience.
The crowd grew bigger and bigger. The place was rocking. The
bartender turned to the gent and said "I apoligize. Octy
really can play any instrument."
From the corner of the room a
loud mouth drunk shouted "I've
got an instrument out in my car that pile of arms can't play."
The gentleman replayed "Bring
in the instrument and Octy will
The drunk stumbled out and returned
quickly. He threw a set
of bagpipes on the floor, and the crowd grew hushed. The
octopus just set on the piano stool and shook and shook and
shook. In a flash he dove for the bagpipes. All you could
see was octopus and bagpipes flying all over the room. The
drunk roared "I told you he couldn't play it."
The gentleman replied "As soon
an Octy finds out he can't
screw it, he'll play it."
Subj: Octopus Goes To A Bar (S508b)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #236 on 97-10-30
and From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 10/16/2006
Captain Queeg goes into a harbor
bar with his pet octopus and
says "I'll bet $50.00 that no one here has a musical instrument
that this here octopus can't play."
The people in the bar look around
and someone fetches out an
old mandolin. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes it,
and starts playing a few choruses of "Rawhide." Captain Queeg
quickly pockets the fifty bucks.
The next bar patron comes up
with a trumpet. The octopus takes
the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its chops and starts playing
"Stella By Starlight." Yet another $50 is handed over to the
The bar owner has been watching
all of this and disappears into
the back room, returning a few minutes with a set of bagpipes
under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the captain
and his octopus, "Now, I'll bet you a hundred dollars your damn
octopus can't play that!"
The octopus takes a look at the
bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it
over, has another look from a different angle and then starts the
process over again.
Puzzled, the captain comes over
to the octopus and says, "What
are you waiting around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!"
"Play it, hell!" frowned the
octopus. "As soon as I figure out
how to get her pajamas off, we're outta here!"
Subj: Dog Goes To A Bar And Orders Whiskey
A countryman went into a London
pub with a dog. The man
ordered a pint, the dog ordered a whiskey.
"What the hell!" said the barman.
"Yes," said the owner, "he`s
the most intelligent dog in
the West Country, I brought him in to see the sights of
"If I give him 40p, will he get
me a paper?" said the
barman, "I forgot to get one."
"Of course I will," piped up
the dog, then, receiving the
money, "back soon, ta ta."
The dog did not return, so, after
an hour, the worried
owner went in search. He finally found his dog in a back
alley, nicely on the job with a bitch.
"Well I'm dammed!" said the owner,
"you've never done that
"No," said the dog, "I've never had the money before."
Subj: Matchbook Goes Into A Bar (S663b)
By Buddy Hickerson
From: Creators.com on 9/3/2009
Source: (Removed from creators.com)
Subj: Short Bar Animal Jokes
Subj: Ellen Degeneres Show's Classic Joke Monday (S889d)
On Ellen Degeneres Show's Classic Joke Monday for April 11,2012:
It's Classic Joke Monday. Here is the stodgy joke Ellen
dusted off for her audience, that all the third graders
will be chuckling about tomorrow.
Where do you find
a down and out octopus?
On squid row.
Subj: Guy W/Newt Go To A Bar (S119)
From: smiles on 5/14/99
A guy walks in a bar with a newt on his shoulder and orders a
pint and a half of beer. He proceeds to drink the pint and
gives the half to the newt which drinks it thirstily. The bar
tender watches this with interest. This happens on the next
two days when the newt is given whiskey and then rum. On the
third occasion, the barman remarks, "I have never seen a pet
like that before, it is fantastic. What do you call it?"
The customer replies, "I call it TINY."
"Oh, why is that?" asks the barman.
The reply was, "Because it is my newt!"
(say it - my newt -- minute!)
Subj: Duck Goes To A Bar
A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm and the
bartender says "we don't allow pigs in here". To which
the woman replies, "this is a duck, you moron!".
"I was talking to the duck!",
replies the bartender.
Subj: Grasshopper Goes To A Bar (S520b)
From: Anon Jr. on 1/7/07
A Grasshopper hops into a bar. Bartender says: Say we have
a drank named after you. The Grasshopper sits back in his
chair and scratches his head and says: "You have a drink
Subj: The Argyle Sweater Cartoon (S827 in Hunting-Supp)
by Scott Hilburn on 1/25/2007
From: AFine963 on 11/13/2012
Subj: Black Man With Parrot Walks Into A Bar
Black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
Bartender looks up and says "Where did you get that?"
Parrot says: "Africa, there's thousands of them there!"
Subj: A Horse Goes Into A Bar Needing A Tie
A horse walks into a bar. The barman says: "Wait, you can't
come in here without a necktie." The horse goes out to his
car, looks in the boot and gets a set of jumper leads, which
he ties around his neck.
He goes back into the bar. "This
good enough?" he asks.
Barman says: "Yah, but you better not start anything."
Subj: Gorilla goes into a bar
From: humorlist-digest V2 #81 on 98-03-31
A gorilla walks into a bar and asks for a shot of bourbon
and puts a twenty dollar bill on the bar. The bar tender
doesn't know what to do so he asks his boss. His boss says
"Take the twenty and give him a shot."
Bar tender pours the gorilla
a shot and takes the twenty.
He says "We don't get many gorrillas in here." The gorilla
replies " I'm not surprised at twenty dollars a shot."
A baby harp seal walks into a
bar. The bartender says,
"What will you have, baby harp seal?"
The baby harp seal says, "Anything but Canadian Club on the rocks."
A toothless termite walks into
a bar and says,
"Is the bartender here?"
A horse walks into a bar and
the bartender says
"HEY WHATS WITH THE LONG FACE"
From: auntieg on 98-02-12 (S124)
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He
sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the
man who shot my paw."
From: Anonymous Junior (S409)
At: http://www.funny2.com/bar.htm on 11/21/04
A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them
up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the
bathroom is?" The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."
A penguin walks into a bar, goes
to the counter, and asks the
bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I
don't know, what does he look like?"
A bear walked into a bar and
says, "I'll have a beer......and
some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
A goldfish walks into a bar and
looks at the bartender. The
bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."
A polar bear, a giraffe and a
penguin walk into a bar. The
bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
Subj: B.C. Comic Strip (DU)
By Mastroianni and Hart on 4/25/2013
............................From GIFs Rubrik:Neon Smiley.