Subj: Bar Jokes With Animals
(Includes 31 jokes and articles, 25850,5,cf,md4,1)
Drunk Rabbit
from
Animated GIFs Collection
| >>>
Subj: Bar Jokes With Animals (Includes 31 jokes and articles, 25850,5,cf,md4,1) |
|
Drunk Rabbit from Animated GIFs Collection |
Also see BEAR file
- 'Polar Bear Walks Into
A Bar'
......................-
'Bear
Goes To A Bar'
BLACKS2 file - 'Black
Walks Into Bar W/Parrot'
DOGS1 file - 'Man
And Talking Dog Go To Bar'
......................-
'Man
And Talking Dog Go To Bar II'
.........DOGS3
file - 'Three
Legged Dog Goes In A Bar'
FOOTBALL file- 'Man
w/Dachshund Goes To A Bar'
FROG file - 'Man
Goes To Restraunt w/Hamster ? Frog'
LAWYER2 file - 'Man
Goes Into A Bar With An Alligator'
PIG file - 'Pig
Goes Into A Bar'
RATS AND MICE- 'Three
Mice Bragging In A Bar'
WAITER file - 'Man
And Ostrich Enter Restaurant'
============================================================Top
| Subj:
Monkey In Bar Tells Joke (S486, S797d)
From: darrell94590 on 5/9/2006 |
 |
You can view this very funny
movie on the above source, or
on my web site by clicking 'HERE'.
This is a great, classic,
thirty-four second joke.
Top
Subj: Three
Dogs In A Bar (S300, S689b)
From: thebartend on 10/29/2002
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman
and a Bulldog are in
a doggie bar having a drink
when a good-looking female
Collie comes up to them and
says, "Whoever can say liver
and cheese in a sentence can
have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love
liver and cheese." The
Collie says, "That's not good
enough.
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver
and cheese." She says,
"That's not creative."
Finally, with his Mexican accent,
the Chihuahua says,
"Liver alone......cheese mine."
Top
Subj: Man
Discusses Dead Dog At Bar (S176, DU)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/11/00
A timid little man ventured into
a biker bar in the Bronx and,
clearing his throat, asked,
"Um, err, which of you gentlemen
owns the Doberman tied outside
to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man wearing biker
leathers with his body hair
growing out of the seams turned
slowly on his stool. He
looked down at the quivering
little man and said, "It's my
dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man,
very nervous, "I believe
my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big
man in disbelief. "What in the hell
kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four-week-old puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker,
"How could your puppy kill my
Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
Top
Subj: Guy
w/Three Ducks Goes To Bar (S237, S714)
From: auntieg on 98-08-20
and
From: thebartend on 8/8/2001
This guy walks into a quiet bar.
He is carrying three
ducks. One in each hand
and one under his left arm. He
places them on the bar.
He has a few drinks and chats
with the Bartender.
The Bartender is experienced
and has learned not to ask
people about the animals that
they bring into the bar, so
he doesn't mention the ducks.
They chat for about 30 minutes
before the bloke with the
ducks has to go to the restroom.
The ducks are left on
the Bar. The bartender
is alone with the ducks. There
is an awkward silence.
The Bartender decides to try to
make some conversation.
"What's your name?" He says to the first duck.
"Huey" said the duck.
"How's your day been?"
"Great. Lovely day.
Had a ball. Been in and out of
puddles all day".
"Oh. That's nice.", says the
Bartender. Then he says to
the second duck "Hi. And
what's your name?"
"Dewey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been?".
"Great. Lovely day. Had
a ball. Been in and out of
puddles all day. If I
had the chance another day I
would do the same again".
So the Bartender turns to the
third duck and says
"So, you must be Louie".
"No", growls the 3rd duck, "My
name is Puddles.
Don't ask about my f***ing day".
Top
Subj: Non
Sequitur Cartoon (S817)
By Wiley Miller
From: WashingtonPost.com on 9/6/2012
Source: http://wpcomics.washingtonpost.com/client/wpc/nq/
.
 |
Top
A man walks into a bar with an
alligator. The bartender
tells him to take the alligator
and leave. The man pleads
with the bartender that the
alligator will do the most
amazing act on his stage if
he and the alligator can stay
and can then have free drinks
for the evening.
The bar owner agrees and man
and the alligator move to the
stage. He places the alligator
on a stool beside him and
proclaims "What I am about to
do will be absolutely one of
the most incredible sights you
will ever behold, but please
I beg you to hold your applause
until after the performance,
as Daisy gets a little nervous
by such loud noises." With
that being said, the man takes
a rolled up newspaper and
WHACK across the alligator's
head. The alligator responds
by slowly opening it's massive
jaws. The crowd gasps.
The man then unzips his fly and
lays his member atop the
animal tongue. Then once
more WHACK across the alligator's
head. The alligator responds
by SNAP closing his jaws
around the man's penis.
The crowd is stunned there are
men going pale, women passing
out. All the while, the man
gazes out with absolute confidence.
Then finally once more
WHACK across the alligator's
noggin with the newspaper.
The alligator responds by slowly
opening his jaws once more.
There wasn't as much as a scrape
on the man as his organ
had been resting between the
staggered teeth of the animal.
The bartender, astonished, steps
up onto the stage, and
shakes the man's hand.
"That was truly amazing. Of course
you may stay." He then
looks out at the dazed crowd and
asked "Is there anyone else
in the room willing to do that?!!"
An effeminante man gently replied
"Uh, I will, if he doesn't
hit me in the head with that
newspaper too hard."
Top
Subj: Bar
With Horse (S412b)
From: Anonymous Junior on 12/19/04
A young guy walks into a pub
and sees a somber faced horse
sitting at the far end of the
bar. In front of the horse
is a brandy glass full of $10
notes. Being curious, the
young guy turns to the manager
and asks him to explain.
"It's a game, you place $10 into
the brandy glass, and try
to make the horse laugh.
If he laughs you get the cash."
The young man immediately walks
up to the horse and places
$10 into the glass. He
then leads the horse into the toilets
and whispers something into
the horses ear. The horse emerges
from the toilets roaring with
laughter, looking back at the
young man only to laugh even
louder and harder. The young man
collects his cash and leaves.
A week later the young guy returns
and sees the same horse
sitting at the bar, his brandy
glass full of $20 notes. The
manager sees the young man and
walks over saying "This week
it's $20, and you have to make
the horse cry. Make him cry
and you get the cash".
The young guy immediately walks
up to the horse and places
$20 into the brandy glass.
He then leads the horse into the
toilets, while the whole bar
goes quite. Ten seconds later
the horse bursts from the toilets,
tears streaming down his
face, genuine sorrow racking
his body, eventually running
from the bar screaming in his
emotional agony.
The young guy collects his cash
and goes to leave when the
manager stops him and begs him
to tell them how he won both
times. The man replied
"The first time I told him my dick
was bigger than his. The second
time I showed him".
Top
Subj: Bar
With Monkey (S185)
(Also see 'Trucker
Picks Up A Hitchhiker' in TRUCK-BUS
and see 'Alligator Goes
To A Bar' in this file)
A man walks into a bar and sees
a monkey perched on a stoll.
He immediatly breaks into a
fit complaining about health
regulations and all that.
The bartender says "Calm down.
This is a trained Monkey!"
The man replies "Oh ya? What
can it do?"
The bartender takes out a bat
and whacks the monkey upside
the head. The monkey jumps off
the stool, runs to the tap.
Poors the bartender a beer,
runs back, gives the bartender
the beer, uzips his pants and
gives him a blow job.
The man says "Holy shit. I've
never seen anything like that
in my life!"
The bartender asks the man if
he wants to try it.
The man says "Sure. Just don't
hit me as hard as you hit the
monkey."
Top
Subj: Monkey
Goes To A Bar (S25, S840)
From: humorlist-digest V2 #15 on 98-01-16
and
From: virv on 2/11/2013
A guy walks into a bar with his
pet monkey. He orders a drink
and while he's drinking, the
monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives
off the bar and eats them, then
grabs some sliced limes and
eats them, then jumps onto the pool
table, grabs one of the billiard
balls, sticks it in his mouth,
and to every one's amazement,
somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the
guy, "Did you see what your monkey
just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise
me," replied the guy, "he eats
everything in sight, the little
bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for
the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill,
pays for the stuff the
monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar
again, and has his monkey with
him. He orders a drink
and the monkey starts running around
the bar again. While the
man is finishing his drink, the monkey
finds a maraschino cherry on
the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up
his ass, pulls it out, and eats
it. Then the monkey finds a
peanut, and again sticks it
up his ass, pulls it out, and eats
it.
The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did
now?" He asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino
cherry and a peanut up his ass,
pulled it out, and ate it!"
said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to shit
out that cue ball, he
measures everything first."
Top
Subj: Light
Bulb Goes Into A Bar (S605c)
By Brian Boychuk, Ron Boychuk, Ronnie Martin
From: Chuckle Bros Comics on 8/6/2009
Source: http://www.creators.com/today-comics.html
 |
Top
A panda walks into a bar and
orders a ham sandwich. He
gobbles it down, then turns
to the bar, draws a gun, fires,
and shatters the mirror behind
the bar. As quickly as he
entered, the panda turns on
its heels and heads for the door.
The bartender shouts in disbelief,
"hey, what the hell do
you think you're doing?"
The panda turns, points to itself
and says, "I'm a !@#$%?*
panda, buddy. Go look
it up!" Then he heads on out the door.
The bartender goes into the back
room and pulls an old Webster's
dictionary off the shelf.
Opening to 'panda' he reads:
Panda: (Ailuropoda melanoleuca)
Bear-like mammal native
exists as an endangered species
on the eastern front of the
Tibetan plateau of China in
three neighboring provinces.
Black with distinctive white
markings on face, body and paws.
Eats shoots and leaves.
Top
Subj: Panda
Goes To A Bar (2ed vers.)
A panda escapes from the zoo,
and is walking around town.
He thinks "I could really go
for some companionship!" Off
he goes down to the local bar
to try and pick up a girl.
The panda's at the bar, and this
girl (a prostitute) slides
up to him and starts hitting
on him. Panda thinks "Hello!
I'm hot tonight!"
So they end up back at her place
and the Panda says "I'm
really hungry, do you have any
food?"
The prostitute gives him some
food, and then they do the
deed. Afterwards the panda
gets up and starts to leave.
The whore doesn't like this
and says "Where are you going
and where's my money?"
Panda says " Money? What are you talking about?"
The prostitute says, "I'm a prostitute for pete's sake!!"
Panda says "What's a prostitute?"
She throws him a dictionary and says "Look it up!!"
Panda looks it up : PROSTITUTE - A woman who has sex for money.
Panda throws the dictionary back
at her and says "So what,
I'm a panda"
The prostitute says "So!!!"
The panda says, "Look it up!!"
She looks it up, and reads out
aloud "PANDA - Eats shoots
and leaves".
Top
Subj: Octopus
Goes To A Bar (S508b)
A very distinguished gentleman
in a tuxedo entered a lively
night spot followed closely
by an octapus. The gentleman
set on a bar stool and the octapus
slimed up on the stool
next to him. Turning to
the bartender the gent says, "Two
manhattans please my good man."
The bartenders eyes were as big
as lemons. Being quite
intoxicated, nothing was going
to upset him. Two manhattans
were ordered, so two manhattans
were mixed and served.
The gentleman slowly sipped his
drink and was obviously
starting to relax. The
octopus put out a tentacle, grabed
the second drink and sligged
it down. This was too much
for the bartender who passed
out. Jumping across the bar
the gent revives the bartender
and apologezed profusely.
"I very sorry for not having
explained about my friend Octy.
He's a concert pianist and has
just finished a major
performance. He's still
so nervous, I thought a drink might
help him relax."
"That thing can play an instrument" replied the bartender.
"That thing can play any instrunemt
in the world, Octy is
a great musician.
Looking over the bar at the shaking
pile of arms the bartender
retorted "A jazz group plays
here each evening, let's see if
Octy can play a piano."
The octopus immediately slimed
down and slithered over to the
piano. It slimed up on
the stool, extended to tentacles and
started playing. Two more
tenticles grabbed the drum sticks,
two more grabbed the sax, and
two more grabbed the guitar.
By this time a crowd of happy
drunks had formed.
Before you knew it, Octy was
taking requests from the audience.
The crowd grew bigger and bigger.
The place was rocking. The
bartender turned to the gent
and said "I apoligize. Octy
really can play any instrument."
From the corner of the room a
loud mouth drunk shouted "I've
got an instrument out in my
car that pile of arms can't play."
The gentleman replayed "Bring
in the instrument and Octy will
play it."
The drunk stumbled out and returned
quickly. He threw a set
of bagpipes on the floor, and
the crowd grew hushed. The
octopus just set on the piano
stool and shook and shook and
shook. In a flash he dove
for the bagpipes. All you could
see was octopus and bagpipes
flying all over the room. The
drunk roared "I told you he
couldn't play it."
The gentleman replied "As soon
an Octy finds out he can't
screw it, he'll play it."
Second version
Subj: Octopus
Goes To A Bar (S508b)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #236 on 97-10-30
and
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 10/16/2006
Captain Queeg goes into a harbor
bar with his pet octopus and
says "I'll bet $50.00 that no
one here has a musical instrument
that this here octopus can't
play."
The people in the bar look around
and someone fetches out an
old mandolin. The octopus
has a look, picks it up, tunes it,
and starts playing a few choruses
of "Rawhide." Captain Queeg
quickly pockets the fifty bucks.
The next bar patron comes up
with a trumpet. The octopus takes
the horn, loosens up the keys,
licks its chops and starts playing
"Stella By Starlight."
Yet another $50 is handed over to the
smiling captain.
The bar owner has been watching
all of this and disappears into
the back room, returning
a few minutes with a set of bagpipes
under his arm. He puts them
on the bar and says to the captain
and his octopus, "Now, I'll
bet you a hundred dollars your damn
octopus can't play that!"
The octopus takes a look at the
bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it
over, has another look from
a different angle and then starts the
process over again.
Puzzled, the captain comes over
to the octopus and says, "What
are you waiting around for?
Hurry up and play the damn thing!"
"Play it, hell!" frowned the
octopus. "As soon as I figure out
how to get her pajamas off,
we're outta here!"
Top
Subj: Dog
Goes To A Bar And Orders Whiskey
A countryman went into a London
pub with a dog. The man
ordered a pint, the dog ordered
a whiskey.
"What the hell!" said the barman.
"Yes," said the owner, "he`s
the most intelligent dog in
the West Country, I brought
him in to see the sights of
the town."
"If I give him 40p, will he get
me a paper?" said the
barman, "I forgot to get one."
"Of course I will," piped up
the dog, then, receiving the
money, "back soon, ta ta."
The dog did not return, so, after
an hour, the worried
owner went in search.
He finally found his dog in a back
alley, nicely on the job with
a bitch.
"Well I’m dammed!" said the owner,
"you’ve never done that
before."
"No," said the dog, "I’ve never had the money before."
Top
Subj: Matchbook
Goes Into A Bar (S663b)
By Buddy Hickerson
From: Creators.com on 9/3/2009
Source: http://www.creators.com/comics/the-quigmans/44930.html
 |
Top
Subj: Guy
W/Newt Go To A Bar (S119)
From: smiles on 5/14/99
A guy walks in a bar with a
newt on his shoulder and orders a
pint and a half of beer. He
proceeds to drink the pint and
gives the half to the newt which
drinks it thirstily. The bar
tender watches this with interest.
This happens on the next
two days when the newt is given
whiskey and then rum. On the
third occasion, the barman remarks,
"I have never seen a pet
like that before, it is fantastic.
What do you call it?"
The customer replies, "I call it TINY."
"Oh, why is that?" asks the barman.
The reply was, "Because it is my newt!"
(say it - my newt -- minute!)
Top
Subj: Duck
Goes To A Bar
A woman walks into a bar with
a duck under her arm and the
bartender says "we don't allow
pigs in here". To which
the woman replies, "this is
a duck, you moron!".
"I was talking to the duck!",
replies the bartender.
Top
Subj: Grasshopper
Goes To A Bar (S520b)
From: Anon Jr. on 1/7/07
Source: http://www.kentlaw.edu/depts/acadadm/jokearch.html
A Grasshopper hops into a bar.
Bartender says: Say we have
a drank named after you.
The Grasshopper sits back in his
chair and scratches his head
and says: "You have a drink
named Stan?"
.
Top
Subj: The
Argyle Sweater Cartoon (S827 in Hunting-Supp)
by Scott Hilburn
From: AFine963 on 11/13/2012
Source: http://www.gocomics.com/theargylesweater/2007/01/25
.
 |
Top
Subj: Black
Man With Parrot Walks Into A Bar
Black guy walks into a bar with
a parrot on his shoulder.
Bartender looks up and says
"Where did you get that?"
Parrot says: "Africa, there's
thousands of them there!"
Top
Subj: A Horse
Goes Into A Bar Needing A Tie
A horse walks into a bar.
The barman says: "Wait, you can't
come in here without a necktie."
The horse goes out to his
car, looks in the boot and gets
a set of jumper leads, which
he ties around his neck.
He goes back into the bar. "This
good enough?" he asks.
Barman says: "Yah, but you better
not start anything."
Top
Subj: Gorilla
goes into a bar
From: humorlist-digest V2 #81 on 98-03-31
A gorilla walks into a bar and
asks for a shot of bourbon
and puts a twenty dollar bill
on the bar. The bar tender
doesn't know what to do so he
asks his boss. His boss says
"Take the twenty and give him
a shot."
Bar tender pours the gorilla
a shot and takes the twenty.
He says "We don't get many gorrillas
in here." The gorilla
replies " I'm not surprised
at twenty dollars a shot."
A baby harp seal walks into a
bar. The bartender says,
"What will you have, baby harp
seal?"
The baby harp seal says, "Anything
but Canadian Club on the rocks."
A toothless termite walks into
a bar and says,
"Is the bartender here?"
A horse walks into a bar and
the bartender says
"HEY WHATS WITH THE LONG FACE"
From: auntieg on 98-02-12 (S124)
A three-legged dog walks into
a saloon in the Old West. He
sidles up to the bar and announces:
"I'm looking for the
man who shot my paw."
From: Anonymous Junior (S409)
At: http://www.funny2.com/bar.htm
on 11/21/04
A pig goes into a bar and orders
ten drinks. He finishes them
up and the bartender says, "Don't
you need to know where the
bathroom is?" The pig says,
"No, I go wee wee all the way home."
A penguin walks into a bar, goes
to the counter, and asks the
bartender, "Have you seen my
brother?" The bartender asks, "I
don't know, what does he look
like?"
A bear walked into a bar and
says, "I'll have a beer......and
some of those peanuts." The
bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
A goldfish walks into a bar and
looks at the bartender. The
bartender asks, "What can I
get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."
A polar bear, a giraffe and a
penguin walk into a bar. The
bartender says, "What is this?
Some kind of joke?"
Top
Subj: B.C.
Comic Strip (DU)
By Mastroianni and Hart
From: WashingtonPost.com on 4/25/2013
Source: http://www.creators.com/comics/bc.html
.
 |
\\\//
-(o o)-
========================oOO==(_)==OOo=======================
.
............................
Bar
Monkey from GIFs
Rubrik:Neon Smiley.
.
.