Subj: Birthday Jokes
(Includes 33 jokes and articles, 21 1010,17,cf,tb,wXT2a3,11)
Birthday Boy from
Accent on Animation
Also see BYCYCLE file - 'Little
Patrick Asks For A Bike'
CATS2 file - 'Mouse Cake'
ELDERLY2 file- 'Ellie Wants SUPERSEX'
FACTS2 file - 'Answering The Phone Nude'
.........FOURTHofJuly - 'Twins Born On The Fourth Of July'
GENIE file - 'Old Couple Get Wishes f/Fairy'
MATH4B file - 'Birthday Paradox'
REDNECK3 file- 'Redneck Birthday Cake'
REDNECK-SUPP - 'Bubba's 21st Birthday'
SCHOOL-SUPP3 - 'Norman Rockwell's "Teacher's Birthday"'
Subj: "COOLEST" Birthday Candle (S692b, S948d)
From: Suzy Inman on Facebook
.......Click 'HERE' to see the Coolest Birthday Candle.
Surprise Party Turns Embarrassing (S715d)
From: FunniestStuff.net on 9/25/2010
..........Source: (Removed from funnieststuff.net)
A guy is blindfolded and led
into a room by his office
girlfriend thinking he's about to get lucky. Click on
'HERE' to see this very funny, naughty video.
Subj: What Do You Want For Your Birthday? (S215, S720)
From: thebartend on 3/12/2001
A man asked his wife, "What would
you most like for your
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday,
he got her up bright and early
and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in
the park --the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear.
Everything there was, she had a go.
She staggered out of the theme
park five hours later, her head
reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonalds they went,
where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a
Then off to a theater to see
Star Wars--more burgers, popcorn,
cola and sweets.
At last she staggered home with
her husband and collapsed into
bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was
it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."
Subj: Chances Of A Birthday Present (DU in Nuns2)
Subj: Birthday Present For The Wife Who Has Everything (S220b)
From: thebartend on 98-03-30
A fellow was talking to his buddy,
and he said, "I don't
know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has every-
thing, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she
wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea.
Why don't you make up a
certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex,
any way that she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."
So the fellow did.
The next day his buddy asked,
"Well? Did you take my
"Yes, I did," said the fellow.
"...And did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! She jumped up,
thanked me, kissed me on the
forehead and ran out the door yelling, "I'll be back in
News For The Year You Were Born (S573c)
From: LABLaughsClean on 1/7/2008
Drawing from www.artzooks.com...
Click 'HERE' to read the news for the year you were born.
Subj: Guessing An Old Man's Age II (S563b)
From: SCOTCOB on 11/3/2007
(Also see 'Guessing An Old Man's Age' in ELDERLY2-SUPP)
Three old mischievous Grandmas
were sitting on a bench
outside a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked
by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We
bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There ain't
no way you can guess it,
you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said,
'Sure we can! Just drop
your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact
Embarrassed just a little, but
anxious to prove they could
not do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him
to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and
down several times.
They all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down
around his ankles, the old
gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees and grinning
from ear to ear, all
three old ladies happily yelled in unison-- 'We were at
your birthday party yesterday!'
Subj: Frank And Ernest Cartoon (S660)
By Bob Thaves on 9/8/2009
Subj: The 100th Birthday Party (S561, S830)
From: ginafm on 10/21/2007
and From: virv on 12/4/2012
(Also see 'Wife Puts Husband In Rest Home' in Elderly1)
The family wheeled Grandma out
on the lawn, in her wheel-
chair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were
taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she
could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the
lawn, Grandma started leaning
off to the right, so some family members grabbed her,
straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right. A
short time later she started leaning off to her left, so
again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her
left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family
members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around
her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came
up to Grandma and said,
"Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating
Grandma took out her little notepad
and slowly wrote a
note to the nephew... "*They won't let me fart."*
6-Year-Old Opens Unforgettable Gift (S630b)
From: AP on 2/1/2009
..........Source: (Removed from News.AOL.com)
To read this heart-warming story
and see its pictures,
Subj: From What Tree Did You Fall? (S465b)
From: auntiegah 12/17/2005
Find your birthday and then find
your tree. This is really
cool and seems somewhat accurate...but you decide.
Dec 23 to Jan 01
Jan 01 to Jan 11 Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10 Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 Lime Tree
Mar 21 (only) Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20 Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 Fig Tree
Jun 24 (only) Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04 Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14 Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25 Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04 Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 Lime Tree
Sep 23 (only) Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13 Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 Walnut Tree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11 Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 21 Fig Tree
Dec 22 (only) Beech Tree
(in alphabetical order)
Apple Tree (the Love) -- quiet and
shy at times, lots of charm,
appeal, and attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile,
adventurous, sensitive, loyal in love, wants to love and be
loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, many
talents, loves children, needs affectionate partner.
Ash Tree (the Ambition) -- extremely
impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious,
intelligent, talented, likes to play with fate, can be very
egotistic, reliable, restless lover, sometimes money rules
over the heart, demands attention, needs love and much
Beech Tree (the Creative) -- has good
taste, concerned about
its looks, materialistic, good organization of life and
career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks,
reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit
diets, sports, etc.).
Birch Tree (the inspiration) -- vivacious,
friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in
excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm,
not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition,
creates a calm and content atmosphere.
Cedar Tree (the Confidence) -- of rare
strength, knows how to
adapt, likes unexpected presents, of good health, not in the
least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, a
great speaker, determined, often impatient, likes to impress
others, has many talents, industrious, healthy optimism,
waits for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.
Chestnut Tree (the Honesty) -- of unusual
well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner,
born diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others
feelings, hard worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not
understood at times, fiercely family oriented, very loyal in
love, physically fit.
Cypress Tree (the Faithfulness) --
strong, muscular, adaptable,
takes what life has to give but doesn't necessarily like it,
strives to be content, optimistic, wants to be financially
independent, wants love and affection, hates loneliness,
passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-
tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves to
gain knowledge, needs to be needed.
Elm Tree (the Noble-mindedness) --
pleasant shape, tasteful
clothes, modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes,
cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful
partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-minded,
generous, good sense of humor, practical.
Fig Tree (the Sensibility) -- very
strong minded, a bit self-
willed, honest, loyal, independent, hates contradiction or
arguments, hard worker when wants to be, loves life and
friends, enjoys children and animals, few sexual relation-
ships, great sense of humor, has artistic talent and great
Fir tree (the Mysterious) -- extraordinary
stress well, loves anything beautiful, stubborn, tends to
care for those close to them, hard to trust others, yet a
social butterfly, likes idleness and laziness after long
demanding hours at work, rather modest, talented, unselfish,
many friends, very reliable.
Hazelnut Tree (the Extraordinary) --
charming, sense of humor,
very demanding but can also be very understanding, knows
how to make a lasting impression, active fighter for social
causes and politics, popular, quite moody, sexually
oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of
judgment and expects complete fairness.
Hornbeam Tree (the Good Taste) -- of
cool beauty, cares for
its looks and condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes
life as comfortable as possible, leads a reasonable and
disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment in
an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom
happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never
sure of its decisions, very conscientious.
Lime Tree (the Doubt) - intelligent,
hard working, accepts
what life dishes out, but not before trying to change bad
circumstances into good ones, hates fighting and stress,
enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually
soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for
family and friends, has many talents but not always enough
time to use them, can become a complainer, great leadership
qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.
Maple Tree (Independence of Mind) --
no ordinary person, full
of imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious,
proud, self-confident, hungers for new experiences, some-
times nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns
easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.
Oak Tree (the Brave) -- robust nature,
unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like change,
keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.
Olive Tree (the Wisdom) -- loves sun,
warmth and kind feelings,
reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence,
tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice,
sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to read and
the company of sophisticated people.
Pine Tree (the Peacemaker) -- loves
agreeable company, craves
peace and harmony, loves to help others, active imagination,
likes to write poetry, not fashion conscious, great
compassion, friendly to all, falls strongly in love but
will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft, low
self esteem, needs affection and reassurance.
Poplar Tree (the Uncertainty) -- looks
talented, not very self-confident, extremely courageous if
necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very
choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great artistic nature,
good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in
any situation, takes partnership Seriously.
Rowan Tree (the Sensitivity) -- full
of charm, cheerful,
gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves
life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both
dependent and independent, good taste, artistic,
passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.
Walnut Tree (the Passion) -- unrelenting,
strange and full of
contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon,
unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no
flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked
but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and
passionate, no compromise.
Weeping Willow (the Melancholy) - likes
to be stress free,
loves family life, full of hopes and dreams, attractive,
very empathetic, loves anything beautiful, musically
inclined, loves to travel to exotic places, restless,
capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy
to live with when pressured, sometimes demanding, good
intuition, suffers in love until they find that one loyal,
steadfast partner; loves to make others Laugh.
Subj: Non Sequitur Comic Strip (S980)
By Wiley Miller on 10/27/2015
Subj: You Always Have A Birthday (S392b, S724)
From: DafterLafter on 7/29/2004
Because of a minor infraction,
a shipmate of mine aboard
the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank,
fined and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking
forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he
consoled himself every night during his extra duty by
reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but
they can't take away my birthday." As July 22 approached,
his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21,
he happily repeated,
"They can bust me, they can fine
me -- but they can't take
away my birthday."
The next morning, he found out
that the ship had crossed
the international date line -- and it was July 23.
Greynautz-Happy Birthday (S690b,d)
Made by GrayWorldWide
From: Facebook on 4/7/2010
Birthday" won the first 1st place in the
category "Professional Character Animation". Click 'HERE'
to see this warm, cute, one-minute video.
Subj: Birthday Riddle (S288b)
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/1/2002
Clara Clatter was born on December
27th, yet her birthday
is always in the summer. How is this possible?
Scroll down for the answer
Here it comes
She lived in the southern hemisphere.
Subj: Are You Ready To Sing Happy Birthday? (S1010)
From: Rick Fazenbaker on Facebook on 5/21/2016
Subj: Banning Birthday Presents (S246, DU)
From: jerry on 10/16/2001
Bonehead award four, a ''political
correctness gone mad
bonehead award,'' goes to Denmark's Ikea Corporation for
banning birthday presents because Jehovah's Witnesses might
be offended, banning wedding presents so as not to offend
single workers and for banning its traditional Danish
Christmas lunch so they could replace it with a more
politically correct ''international cultural day.''
Chicago Sun-Times 3-Oct-01
Subj: Wife Takes Husband To Strip Club (S245b, S461)
From: dogbyte on 10/12/2001
Dave works hard at the plant
and spends most evenings bowling
or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is
pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him
to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets
them and says,
"Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress
asks Dave if he'd like his
usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and
says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know that
you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies
We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their
table and throws her arms
around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs
her purse and storms out
of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a
cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside
her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and
"Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!"
Subj: Birthday Girl (S402)
Source: (Removed from ezines4all.com)
Subj: Celebrating Different Birthdays (S471b)
From: Anaise on 98-04-02
and From: thebartend on 1/23/2006
This is for all of you who are
about to or have recently
celebrated a birthday.
Do you realize that the only
time in our lives when we
like to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years
old, you're so excited about
aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?....
"I'm four and a half"....You're never 36 and a half....
you're four and a half going on five!
That's the key. You get
into your teens, now they can't
hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are
you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're
gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of
your life happens....you
become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony....
you BECOME 21...YES!!!
But then you turn 30....ooohhh
what happened there?
Makes you sound like bad milk....He TURNED, we had to
throw him out. There's no fun now.
What's wrong?? What changed??
You BECOME 21, you TURN
30, then you're PUSHING 40.....stay over there, it's all
slipping away........ You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're
PUSHING 40, you REACH 50.....and your dreams are gone.
Then you MAKE IT to 60.....you didn't think you'd make it!!!!
So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30,
you're PUSHING 40, you
REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60......then you build up so
much speed you HIT 70! After that, it's a day by day
thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday....
You get into your 80's, you HIT
lunch. You TURN 4:30,
my grandmother won't even buy green bananas....it's an
investment you know, and maybe a bad one. And it doesn't
end there....into the 90's you start going backwards....
I was JUST 92...
Then a strange thing happens.
If you make it over 100,
you become a little kid again.... "I'm 100 and a half!!!!"
Subj: My 45 Birthday (S09, S660)
From: rwtmpkns on 9/16/2003
and From: allenbergman on 9/3/2009
I fired my secretary two weeks
ago on my 45th birthday. I
was not feeling to good that morning anyway. I went into
breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and wish me a
Happy Birthday and probably would have a present. To my
surprise, she didn't even say good morning, let alone happy
I said, well, that's wives for
you, hopefully the children
will remember. The children all came in for breakfast and
didn't say a word either, so when I started to the office
I was feeling pretty low and despondant.
As I walked into my office, my
secretary, Janet said, "Good
morning boss, happy birthday," and I felt a little better.
At least someone had remembered my birthday. I worked until
about noon when Janet knocked on my door saying, "You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday.
Why don't we go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the
best thing I've heard all day,
let's go!" So we went to lunch, but we didn't go where we
normally go. Instead, we went to this little private place
out in the country. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously. On the way back to the office she said, "You
know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't really need to go
back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not," and
she suggested that we go back to her apartment.
After arriving at her apartment,
we had another martini,
smoked a cigarette and then she said, "Boss, if you don't
mind, I think I'll go to the bedroom and slip into something
more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went
into the bedroom and a few minutes later she came out...
carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children.
They were all singing Happy Birthday and there I sat...
with nothing but my birthday suit on!
Chipmunks - Happy Birthday to You!!! (S778d)
From: Eva-Lill Egeberg on November 18,2011
Photo from Google.com...
Happy Birthday to You, dance
performed by Chipmunks Alvin,
Theodore and Simon; music is taken from different videos.
Click 'HERE' to see this well done home video.
Subj: Short Birthday Jokes
Herman Cartoon (S665)
By Jim Unger on 10/8/2009
Subj: Bizarro Zen Birthday Card (S911)
By Dan Piraro on 5/13/2009
..........From: George Takei on 6/10/2014
Birthday Cake (S564c)
From: darrellvip on 11/8/2007
Andy Capp Comic Strip (S628)
By Reg Smythe on 1/23/2009
Subj: Age Gauge (S315)
From: auntiegah on 2/8/2003
This is neat! Click on this link, put your birth date in
the window and see what happens....
The web site frontiernet.net closed.
Subj: Slicing A Birthday Cake (S450b)
From: William Wu of U. C. Berkeley on 8/24/2005
You have a round birthday cake.
With three straight slices
of a knife, divide the cake into 8 equal pieces. The author
knows of two different solutions.
You can view Jack's two solutions
by clicking below.
Subj: Grandma Buys A Birthday Present (S423b)
From: janeenmarie on 3/8/2005
When my three-yeat-old opened the birthday gift from his
grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed
with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was mot so pleased. I
turned to mom and said "I'm
surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to
drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....
"Yes, I remember."
Birthday Calculator (S438b)
Shoe Sunday Comic Strip (S820d)
By Chris Cassatt and Gary Brookins on 9/28/2012
From: LABLaughs.com on 1/26/2002 (S264)
"No gift is too small to give, nor too simple to receive,
if it's chosen with thoughtfulness and given with love."
From: igiggle on 9/28/2003 (S349b)
For weeks I've been telling him not to buy anything for my birthday,
and he still forgot to bring me something. -- Tanya Noe
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 2/14/2001
(S274b - quotes-comed)
"Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire."
-- Rodney Dangerfield
From: Anon Jr. on 6/1/2004 (S383)
Q: What kind of parties do you have in the basement?