Subj: One-Liners Type Jokes
(Includes 256 jokes and articles, 27723n,0,cf,md4v,0)
Mining Ride from
Also see BUMPERSTICKRS- (see
HEADLNERS?ADS- (see whole file)
NATIONAL_STTS- 'Rejected State Mottos:'
PLANE-SUPP - 'TSA Bumper Stickers And Slogans
Condense soup, not books!
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
"Very Funny Scottie - Now Beam Up My Clothes"
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Always borrow money from a pessimist;
they don't expect
to be paid back.
I used to have a photgraphic
memory, but it was
Hey, bartender, a thousand pints
-- Second City Players
Nancy Reagan meets Ms. Manners: Just say "No, thank you."
If you can keep your head while
those about you are losing
theirs, consider an exciting career as a guillotine operator!
Women libbers are ok. I
just wouldn't want my sister
to marry one.
Draft beer, not people.
When aiming for the common denominator,
for the occasional division by zero.
Klein bottle for rent---inquire within.
Did you hear about the dyslexic
agnostic insomniac who
stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?
There are two major products
to come out of Berekley:
LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
He looked at me as though I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.
Character density: The
number of very weird people
in the office.
Half moon tonight. At least it's better than no moon at all.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
..an animal loses not only its
life but also its third dimension.
-- Roger M. Knutson, in "Flattened Fauna: A Field Guide
to Common Animals of Roads, Streets,and Highways"
Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets
the rebound! He shoots.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Everybody should believe in something
- I believe
I'll have another drink.
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
Detroit: Where the weak are killed and eaten.
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
Trees don't fall in the forest
when no one's around to
hear them. Sometimes they just happen to be on the
ground when you see them again.
Minds, like parachutes, only function when they are open.
Two behaviorists meet in the
morning and one says
to the other, "You're fine. How am I?"
To err is human, to moo bovine.
God is real, unless declared as an integer.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal.
Camouflage condoms: So they won't see you coming.
The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse.
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
yield negative results. Positive expectations yield
Grabel's Law: 2 is not
equal to 3, not even for very large
values of 2.
The crimes we are about to depict
have been specially
committed for this program.
The climate of Bombay is such
that its inhabitants have to
Death: To stop sinning suddenly.
Murphy's Law is recursive.
Washing your car to
make it rain doesn't work.
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
Whatever happens to you, it will
have previously happened
to everyone you know, only more so.
Happiness: The agreeable
sensation of contemplating
the misery of others.
The world is coming to an end!
Repent and return those
Hindsight is an exact science.
An expert is a person who avoids
the small errors while
sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
One planet is all you get.
Be free and open and breezy!
Enjoy! Things won't get
any better so you better get used to it.
Be different: Conform.
A bore is someone who persists
in holding his own views
after we have enlightened him with ours.
If the odds are a million to
one against something
occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
Diplomacy is the art of saying
"nice doggy" until you
can find a rock.
Acid: Better living through chemistry.
There's no future in time travel.
Hail to the sun god, he sure is a fun god, Ra, Ra, Ra!
There has been an alarming increase
in the number of things
you know nothing about.
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Don't feed the bats tonight.
Children are natural mimics who
act like their parents
despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Anarchy may not be the best form
of government, but
it's better than no government at all.
Paul's law: You can't fall off the floor.
Just because your doctor has
a name for your condition
doesn't mean he knows what it is.
Just because you're paranoid
doesn't mean they
AREN'T after you.
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
Sex is not the answer.
Sex is the question.
"Yes" is the answer.
It may be that your whole purpose
in life is simply to
serve as a warning to others.
New York...when civilization
falls apart, remember,
we were way ahead of you. -- David Letterman
In the end, everybody must understand
Listen to your surroundings and
instead of Jimmy Swaggert.
Now let's all repeat the non-conformist oath.
Omit needless words. -- Strunk and White
This message has been brought
to you by the
number 5 and the letter F.
This sentence is false with probability 0.5.
It was as small as the hope in a dead man's eyes.
An armed society is a polite society.
Computer: "How do you feel?"
Spock: "I don't understand the question."
The nice thing about standards
is, there are
so many to choose from.
While the builders of the cages
sleep with bullets, bars
and stones, they do not see your road to freedom that
you build with flesh and bone.
The race is not always to the
it's a pretty safe bet.
Have you ever wondered if taxation
If you care about a dream enough, make it into a reality.
Sin harder! Ragnarok is coming!
Ask a fish head anything you
want to. It won't answer you;
they can't talk.
Misfortune, n. The kind of fortune that never misses.
Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.
The worst thing about hell is
that you THINK you're having
a really good time.
There is no limit to the amount
of good that people can
accomplish, if they don't care who gets the credit.
When I was young, all I wanted
was to be ruler of the
universe. Now that isn't enough. -- Alex P. Keaton
Fools! Idiots! Don't
they realize that they are dealing
with forces beyond comprehension! -- Doctor Science
If it ain't fixed, don't broke it!
You may ask yourself, how did
I get here? This is not my
beautiful house! This is not my beautiful wife!
-- Talking Heads
Did you ever feel that you were
a typewriter, while
everyone else in the world was a wordprocessor?
Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual.
When you asked me to live in
sin with you, I didn't know
you meant sloth.
Apathetic Surf Club: We don't surf, and we don't care.
Isn't fun like the best thing to have ever? -- Arthur
It's not a matter of life or death, but what is? What is?
We had to get it passed before the columnists attacked!
This is MY universe and I'm SICK of people BARGING IN!
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
If God had meant for penguins
to fly, he would have
given them wings.
If we're not listening, we'd
have to be pretty blind.
-- J-L Gassee
Any errors in spelling, tact or fact are transmission errors.
"Where are we going?" "Nowhere."
"So what's the rush?"
-- The Lost Boys
I support the Marcell Marceau
Foundation, because a mime
is a terrible thing to waste.
If you're not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.
Never ascribe to malice that
which can adequately be
explained by stupidity.
What did the Caspian sea? -- Saki
I don't work for no 'Toon!
We've got the best government money can buy.
Bove's Theorem: The remaining
work to finish in order to
reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
Confidence is the feeling you
have before you understand
There's so much comedy on television.
Does that cause comedy
in the streets? -- Dick Cavett, mocking TV-violence debate
668: The Neighbor of the Beast
Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
Marriage is a three ring circus:
engagement ring, wedding
ring, and suffering.
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Marriage is when a man and woman
become as one; the trouble
starts when they try to decide which one.
Before marriage, a man yearns
for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
A bird in the hand is better than one overhead.
4 food groups: fast, frozen, microwaved, and junk.
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
When the chips are down, the buffalo's empty.
Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.
What is a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A SALAD SHOOTER!
I'm not as think as you confused I am.
AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse
Where ever you go, there you are.
What is mind? No matter.
What is matter? Never mind.
Hey Santa, how much is it for the list of naughty girls?
Nothing is more difficult for
a woman than to decide
when to begin her 30th year.
'Smoke me a kipper, Skipper. I'll be back for breakfast.'
Lesbians eating tuna fish sandwiches.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
If things get any worse, I'll
have to ask you to
stop helping me.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
A fart is just a turd with the shit scraped off
Intercourse is masterbation under ideal circumstances.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: those who can count ? those who can't.
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops
All computers wait at the same speed.
26% of Americans can't read. The other 92% can't do Math.
"Nuke a gay whale for Christ!"
If at first you dont succeed,
hide all evidence
that you tried!
Don't end up as Road Kill along the Information Super Highway
Limit congress to two terms. One in office, and one in prison!
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
... Not tonight, dear. I have a modem.
A man's idea of housework is
lifting his feet
while the woman is vacuuming.
She's got more Chins than a Chinese telephone book.
Subj: One-Liners In Capital Letters
TIME IS WHAT KEEPS THINGS FROM HAPPENING ALL AT ONCE
I DIDN'T FIGHT MY WAY TO THE
TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN
TO BE A VEGETARIAN.
WOMEN WHO SEEK TO BE EQUAL WITH MEN LACK AMBITION.
YOUR KID MAY BE AN HONOR STUDENT BUT YOU'RE STILL AN IDIOT
IF WE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO EAT
ANIMALS, WHY ARE THEY
MADE WITH MEAT?
IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP, BUT YOU EAT BETTER.
LOVE: TWO VOWELS, TWO CONSONANTS, TWO FOOLS.
ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS THE PROBLEM DOESN'T EXIST.
SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE ONLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL THEM.
PRIDE IS WHAT WE HAVE. VANITY IS WHAT OTHERS HAVE.
FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE...VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL.
WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
GIVE ME AMBIGUITY OR GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE.
MAKE IT IDIOT PROOF AND SOMEONE WILL MAKE A BETTER IDIOT.
ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU'RE UNIQUE, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE
YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
EVER STOP TO THINK, AND FORGET TO START AGAIN?
DIPLOMACY IS THE ART OF SAYING
TILL YOU CAN FIND A ROCK.
I LIKE YOU BUT I WOULDN'T WANT
TO SEE YOU
WORKING WITH SUB-ATOMIC PARTICLES.
"AUNTIE EM: HATE YOU, HATE KANSAS, TAKING THE DOG." -DOROTHY
LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION, I CAN FIND IT MYSELF.
Subj: Other One Liners
There is only one way to get
rid of nuclear weapons
-- use them
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
I used to be a necrophilliac,
but the rotten bitch
split on me.
Necrophilia means never having to say you're sorry.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't
want to have
to paint it.
... Not tonight, dear. I have a modem.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
A conclusion is simply the place
where you got tired
If I want your opinion, I'll
ask you to fill out
the necessary forms.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
"There is no hard evidence to
support the notion that
life is meant to be taken seriously."
Reality is an illusion caused by alcohol deficiency (Unknown)
Eagles may soar but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines!
If God were a woman, semen would taste like chocolate.
A new Korean cook book out, "100 Ways to Wok Your Dog".
If a sheep is a ram and a mule
is an ass,
how come a ram in the ass is a goose?
The man who rows the boat seldom has the time to rock it.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
Skydivers never do it without a chute.
It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
"Life is like a pubic hair on
a toilet seat,
sooner or later you get pissed off."
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
From: humorlist-digest V1 #201 on 97-09-19
It's hard to be a leader these days -- you don't know
if people are following you or chasing you.
Subj: A Variety of Wisdoms (S35)
From: humorlist-digest V1 #212 on 97-10-01
* If at first you don't
succeed, destroy all evidence
that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something
you don't get until just after
you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray
table, the more of your body is
required on it.
* The hardness of the
butter is proportional to the softness
of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from
one person is plagiarism; to steal
from many is research.
* To succeed in politics,
it is often necessary to rise
above your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* Work is accomplished
by those employees who have not
reached their level of incompetence.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall
behind, the more time you'll have
to catch up.
* The light at the end
of the tunnel is the headlight of
an approaching train.
............................From Smiley Faces GIFs