Subj:     Car1 Jokes
                 (Includes 39 jokes and articles, 10 1000,8,cf,wXT2a3,7)

Nascar from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Morgan Freeman's GPS Commercial (S1000)
.........................Man Paints Porch (S19, S774)
.........................Harrison Ford As Different Ford Cars - Photos (S890)
.........................Greenberg Brothers Invern AC (S59, S530b)
.........................If Microsoft Built Cars (S204)
.........................The Snow Car Commercial - Video (S470)
.........................Driving Tips From Detroit (S470)
.........................New Driver (S120, S426b)
.........................Ford Assembly Plant in Brazil - Video (S619)
.........................Super Car And The Moped (S07, S499c)
.........................Lady Farts While Buying Expensive Car (S351, S566)
.........................Electric Drag Racing - Video (S621b, S737)
.........................Ford's New Truck (S500b, S864)
.........................A Blonde Borrows $5000 From Bank (S19, S835)
.........................Taking Your Wife Out - GIF (S390b)
.........................Two Mercedes At A Stoplight (S30)
.........................Car Has Flat Tire By Mental Hospital
.........................Mini Van Towed By A Jaguar
.........................18 Gas Price Cartoons - Web Page (S450)
.........................Did You Look Under The Hood? (S49)
.........................How To Identify Where A Driver Is From (S133)
.........................Car Thefts
.........................Why Your Mom Said Don't Pick Up Hitchhikers! - WP (S457)

Also see ALLIGATOR    - 'Taking Your Alligator For A Drive'
         ACCIDENTS1   - 'Man Hit By Car In New York'
......................- 'Irishman Hit By Four Cars'
......................- 'Man Has Three Accidents In One Day'
......................- 'Two Germans Have Head On Crash'
......................- 'Crime Never Pays'
         ACCIDENT2    - 'Guys w/New Jeep Go Duck Hunting' in NonJokes
         ARKANSAS     - 'Woman Shot In Car'
......................- 'Cadillac Gets Gas In Arkansas'
         ARTISTS-SUPP - 'Tire Sculptures'
......................- 'Beer Can Model Cars'
         AUDIO file   - 'Whackhead's Window on the World' - Audio
         AUSTRALIAN   - 'Cattle Trains In Australia' - Article/Movie
         BICYCLE file - 'Car Pulls Bicycle'
         BIRD-DUCKS   - 'Two Brain Surgeons Go Duck Hunting'
         BLACKS2 file - 'No Black NASCAR Drivers'
         BLONDE1 file - 'Blonde Needs A Car Part'
......................- 'Blonde In A Car Accident'
         BLONDE2 file - 'Blonde Wants To Cross The Street'
......................- 'Blonde's Car Breaks Down'
         BODY-PARTS   - 'If My Body Were A Car'
         BUGS_ETC file- 'A Snail And His Car'
         CANADA file  - 'Snowplowing In Ottawa'
         CHRISTMAS-SUP- 'Walk Off The Earth Rock Band' - Videos
         COLLEGE1 file- 'Lieing To The Professor'
         COMPUTERS3   - 'Three Computer People Have A Car Problem'
         CONTRACTOR   - 'Backhoe Terrorist'
         COW_SHEEP    - 'Service'
         COWBOY file  - 'Texas Limousine'
         DARWIN AWRDS1- 'Rocket Car'
......................- 'Repairing Farm Truck'
......................- 'Dying At A Metallica Concert'
         DARWIN AWRDS2- 'Hungarian Railroad Accident'
         DATING2 file - 'Couple Has Sex In A Van'
         DATING3 file - 'Dating Using Car Terminology'
......................- 'Sending A Lady A Bottle Of Wine'
.........DOCTOR1 file - 'Gynecologist Trains To Be Auto Mechanic'
         DOCTOR-SUPP  - 'Doctor Riddle'
......................- 'The Mechanic And The Doctor'
         DRINKING-SUPP- 'Drinking And Driving'
         DRINK-BEER2  - 'Graphic Road Accident'
         DWARF file   - 'Having An Auto Accident With A Dwarf'
         EASTER-EGGS  - 'Saving The Easter Bunny'
         ELDERLY2-SUPP- 'Highway Partol Pulls Over Five Ladies'
         ELDERLY4 file- 'Sick Old Man Is Grateful'
         ENGINEER3    - 'Turbo Encabulator' - Movie
         FACTS5 file  - 'Computer Car Navigator All Wet'
......................- 'Blowing Up The Family Car'
         FAMOUS PEOPL1- 'The Traffic Jam' (OJ Simpsom)
         FIREMAN file - 'Firemen Practice On Jaws Of Life'
         FOOD_ETC2    - 'How To Fry Eggs'
         FROG file    - 'Freak Accident After Frog Fishing'
         FUNERAL file - 'Widow Writes Obituary'
         GAMES2-SUPP  - 'Hummer Football'
         GOLF2 file   - 'Tiger Woods Stops For Gas'
         GOD2 file    - '"God Speaks" Billboards'
         HANDICAPPED  - 'The Brick'
         HEADLINES/ADS- 'Best Cordless Drill Ad - Ever'
         HEAD/ADS-SUPP- 'A Cadillac Commercial In China'
         HEAVEN1 file - 'Henry Ford Goes To Heaven'
         HEAVEN2 file - 'Driving Cars In Heaven'
         HOOKER file  - 'Two Car Salesmen Talk In A Bar'
         HORSE file   - 'Chicken And Horse Get Stuck'
         HORSE-SUPP   - 'Arab Loses Donkey In Parking Lot' - Video
         ILLUSIOHS23  - 'Optical Illusion Commercial By Honda'
         INDIAN file  - 'Two Drunks In A Car And The Indian'
         IRISH1 file  - 'Drunk Irishman Has His Car Stolen'
         ITALIAN file - 'Driving While Italian' - Video
         JESUS file   - 'What Would Jesus Drive'
......................- 'Honk If You Love Jesus'
         JEWISH-RABBI - 'Synagogue Parking Problem'
......................- 'Priest And Rabbi Buy A CAR'
......................- 'Rabbi And Priest Have Car Accident'
         JOBS2 file   - 'Government Road Workers'
         JUDGE file   - 'Young Driver Sues'
......................- 'Supreme Court's KKK Ruling'
......................- 'Man Goes To Court For Traffic Ticket'
         LATIN_AMERICA- 'Man Robs Buenos Aires Gas Station 100 Times'
         LAWS file    - 'Law Of Mechanical Repair - Photo
         LAWYER1 file - 'Lawyer And A Stolen Car'
         LAWYER2 file - 'Farmer, Lawyer And A Used Car'
         LOVE file    - 'Sitting Close While You Drive'
         KIDS1 file   - 'Girl Asks Mother Embarrassing Questions'
         KIDS2 file   - 'Soccer Mom Can't Drive'
         MANNERS file - 'Dear Miriam'
         MARRIAGE3    - 'Perfect Couple Meets Santa'
         MARRIAGE-SUPP- 'The Sensuous Wife'
         MEN2 file    - 'The Must Have Father's Day Gift'
         MOVIES(Picts)- 'Blaupunkt, Stuffed Animal Sex'
......................- 'The Morning Radio Show' - Audio on Car Accident
         NAT-STATES   - 'Evacuation Plans For Houston'
......................- 'Four Guys From Different States Riding In Car'
         NAT-STATES-SP- 'Four Women On A Drive'
         NEW_YORKER   - 'Traffic Jam In NYC'
......................- 'Gratitude And Charity'
......................- 'New York Driving Rules!'
         NUDIST file  - 'Drivers Kill Farmer's Chickens'
         NUNS1 file   - 'Car Load Of Nuns Pulled Over By Policeman'
......................- 'Nuns Run Out Of Gas'
         OTHER-SPORTS - 'Buggy Rollin' Down A Mountain Road'
         PHONE file   - 'Using A Highway Rest Stop'
         PHONE-SUPP   - 'Religious Traffic Sign!'
         POLICE1 file - 'Man Tries To Outrun A Cop'
......................- 'Getting A Parking Ticket'
......................- 'Traffic Tickets'
......................- 'Police Pull Over Husband, And Wife Tells All'
......................- 'Police Pull Over Driver'
         POLICE2 file - 'Small Town Cop Stops Speeder'
......................- 'Real Speeding Excuses'
......................- 'Speeding Tickets For Cops'
......................- 'Stopped While Going To Church (S196)'
......................- 'Jerks of The Highway'
......................- 'Cop Stops Lawyer With Fish'
......................- 'Police Stop Man w/Penguin'
         POLICE-SUPP  - 'Man Pleads Guilty To DWI In La-Z-Boy'
         POLICE_SUPP2 - 'Police Artist Sketch Of Robery Suspect'
         POLITICAL1   - 'Salesman Changes Parties'
         POLITICAL2   - 'Al Gore Parks In The Snow'
         POLITICAL-SUP- 'Terrorists Capture Four Politicians'
         POLIT-CLINTON- 'Clinton's Driver Runs Over A Pig'
         POPE file    - 'The Pope Drives A Car'
         PREACHER     - 'Minister's Son Wants to Drive The Car'
         PREGNANT file- 'Baby Sues Over Pregnancy'
         PROGRAMMER   - 'Soft-Hard Engineers And Manager's Car Stops'
         RELIGION     - 'Rich Kid Buys A Ferrari'
         SCOTTISH file- 'Illegal Scottish Drivers'
         SHIPS-SUPP   - 'Gibbs Quadski' - Ad
......................- 'WaterCar Panther' - Commercial Video
         SIGNS-N-NAMES- 'Burma Shave Road Signs'
......................- 'Fun With Names'
         SCIENCE-SUPP - 'Elon Musk Plans For Tesla's Home Battery'
         SPEECHES-SUPP- 'Lee Iacocca Is Angry'
         STARTREK-SPAC- 'Hyundai: A Message to Space' - Video
         TRUCK-BUS    - 'Road Train Trucks' - Article/Video
         THOUGHTS-LRN2- 'Road To Success'
         VALENTINES   - 'The 'Here After' Routine'
         WOMEN-SUPP   - 'Menopausal Woman' - Video
         WORD JOKES2  - 'Chevy Nova Awards'
......................- 'The Definition of 'Normal''

Subj:     Morgan Freeman's GPS Commercial (S1000)
          Created by WJRT Television
          From: Bruce Wormgoor on Facebook on 3/10/2016
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/_xLR5mjkfs4
.......Click 'HERE' to see the Morgan Freeman GPS.
Subj:     Man Paints Porch (S19, S774)
          From: Scott's Joke Archive on 5/31/97
      and From: virv on 11/12/2011

 A guy out in California had an awful craving but who didn't
 have a cent in his pockets.  He tried to panhandle enough
 for a bottle but people just ignored him.  Desperate, he
 started going door to door in Bel Air, offering to cut lawns,
 take out trash, clean cellars - anything for a few bucks.
 Doors were slammed in his face.

 Finally, though, a man said, "OK, I need my porch painted.
 I'll give you $20 for the job."  The man provided three
 gallons of green paint and a brush and added, "It's in the
 back.  Now, do a good job."  The thirsty guy gushed, "You
 can count on that."  And, he headed toward the back with
 the paint and brush.  About an hour later, he was back at
 the door, his clothes paint-spattered.  He told his bene-
 factor, "It's all done and I really did a good job.  It's
 all painted green now."

 The guy handed him the 20 bucks and the drink-craving guy
 headed for the nearest bar.  Suddenly, he turned and yelled
 back to the guy who wanted his porch painted: "Hey! By the
 way, that's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."

Subj:     Harrison Ford As Different Ford Model Cars
          From: George Takei on 1/31/2014(S890d)
 Source: http://weknowmemes.com/2014/01/harrison-
George Takei from Star Trek posted this
cute photo on his Facebook page. 225,830
people like the photo and 75,027 shared
their own Harrison Ford as a car photo. 

Click 'HERE' to see my 18 favorites.


Subj:     Greenberg Brothers Invern AC (S59, S530b)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #208 on 97-11-08
      and From: darrell94590 on 3/12/2007

 It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers
 entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan offices of the notoriously
 anti-Semitic car-maker, Henry Ford.

 "Mr. Ford," announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the
 three, "we have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize
 the automobile industry."

 Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the
 competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to
 demonstrate it to you in person."  After a little cajoling,
 they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black
 car that was parked in front of the building.

 Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the
 car. "Please step inside Mr. Ford."

 "What!" shouted the tycoon, "are you crazy?  It must be two
 hundred degrees in that car!"

 "It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down,
 Mr. Ford, and push the white button."

 Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh
 of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the
 car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfort-
 able, it was quite cool!

 "This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want
 for the patent?"

 Norman spoke up. "The price is one million dollars."  Then
 he paused, "And there is something else.  We want the name
 'Greenberg Brothers Air Conditioning' to be stamped right
 next to the Ford logo."

 "Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I
 have a 'Jew-name' next to my logo on my cars!"

 They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they
 settled.  One and one half million dollars, and the name
 Greenberg would be left off.  However, the first names of
 the Greenberg brothers would be forever emblazoned upon
 the console of every Ford air conditioning system.

 And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle
 you will see those three names clearly defined on the
 air-conditioning control panel:

                       HI   NORM   MAX

Subj:     If Microsoft Built Cars (S204)
          From: Octagon999 on 97-11-01
      and From: RFSlick on 11/06/2000

 At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
 compared the computer industry with the auto industry and
 stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
 industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar
 cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

 According to Microsoft, if automotive technology had kept
 pace with computer technology over the past few decades:

 -  You would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8

 -  Cars would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour

 -  Economy cars would weigh 30 pounds

 -  Would get a thousand miles to the gallon of gas

 -  And the sticker price of a new economy car would be less
    than $50

 In response to all this goading, General Motor responds, "Yes,
 but would you really want to drive a car that crashes 4 times
 a day?"

 If Microsoft Built Cars:
 -   Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd
     have to buy a new car

 -   Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no
     reason, and you'd have to restart it.  For some strange
     reason, you'd just accept this and drive on

 -   Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car
     to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to reinstall
     a new engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept
     this too

 -   You could only have one person in the car at a time,
     unless you bought a "Car95" or a "CarNT".  But then you'd
     have to buy more seats

 -   Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
     was twice as fast, twice as easy to drive- but it would
     only run on 5 percent of the roads

 -  The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft
    upgrades which would make their cars run much slower

 -  The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would
    be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light

 -  New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt

 -  The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off

Subj:     The Snow Car Commercial (S470d)
          From: LABLaughsRiddles on 1/18/2006
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/3PiQiuA-WbI

 A man spends a cold half an hour cleaning the snow off
 his car so he can go to work in this short, cute, French
 commercial.  You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Driving Tips From Detroit (S470)
          From: LABLaughsClean on 1/31/2006

 Driving Tips for our 2006 Superbowl Guests:

 1. First, you must learn to pronounce the city name.  It's
    Di-troit, NOT DEE-troit.  If you pronounce it DEE-Troit
    then we will assume you are from Toledo and here for the
    country Music hoe-down.

 2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.  Detroit
    has its own version of traffic rules... Hold on and pray!

 3. The morning rush hour is from 6:00am to 10:00am. The evening
    rush hour is from 3:00pm to 7:00pm.  Friday's rush hour
    starts Thursday morning.  Weekends are open game.

 4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-
    ended, cussed out and possibly shot.  If you're first off
    the starting line when the light turns green, count to five
    before going.  This will avoid getting in the way of cross-
    traffic who just ran their yellow light to keep from getting

 5. Schoenherr can ONLY be properly pronounced by a native of
    the Detroit metro area.  That goes for Gratiot and Cadieux also.

 6. Construction and renovation on I-94, I-96, I-75, I-275, I-375,
    I-696, The Lodge and The Southfield Freeways are a way of life.
    Just deal with it.

 7. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a
    factory defect or they are "out-of-towners."

 8. All old men with white hair wearing a hat have total right-of-way.

 9. The minimum acceptable speed on I-696 is 85 regardless of the
    posted speeds.  Anything less is considered downright SISSY.  Oh,
    and don't even think of allowing more than one car length
    between cars!

10. That attractive wrought iron on the windows and doors in Detroit
    is NOT ornamental.  DO NOT get out of your car.

11. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that
    reads "Keep honking, I'm reloading."

12. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone,
    people are not waving 'because they are so friendly in Detroit.
    I would suggest you duck.

13. I-275/I-696 is our daily version of NASCAR.

14. It's not M-10, it's "the Lodge".

15. That's not a lake, it's a pothole.

16. If someone tells you it's on Outer Drive, you better hope you
    have a map.

17. The left turn is simple: If you want to turn left, go a 1/4 of
    a mile past your turn, get to the left, then make a left, then
    make a right.  NOW you have gone left.

Subj:     New Driver (S120, S426b)
          From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 5/20/99

 Martin had just received his brand new drivers license.
 The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the
 car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the
 first time.  Dad immediately heads for the back seat,
 directly behind the newly minted driver.

 "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery
 after all those months of sitting in the front passenger
 seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to
 his father.

 "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick
 the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been
 doing to me all these years."

Subj:     Ford Assembly Plant in Brazil (S619d)
          From: tom on 11/17/2008
..........At: (Removed from info.detnews.com)

 This is a video of a new Ford plant in Brazil.  One look at
 this and you will be able to tell why there will probably
 never be another one built in the USA.  It will also point
 out why more assembly plants will go offshore.  Pay attention
 to the last few words. It says a lot!

 You can watch the video by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Super Car And The Moped(S07, S499c)
..........From: ipkis on 97-07-03
      and From: gordonschuk on 8/12/2006

 A hip young man goes out and buys the best car on the
 market, a brand new Ferrari GTO.  It is also the most
 expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
 He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light

 An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old)
 pulls up next to him.  The old man looks over the sleek,
 shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya'
 got there, sonny?"

 The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a
 million dollars!"

 "That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why
 does it cost so much?

 "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states
 the cool dude proudly.

 The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside? "Sure,"
 replies the owner.

 So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks
 around.  Leaning back on his moped, the old man says
 "That's a pretty nice car...but I'll stick with my moped."

 Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show
 the old man just what his car can do.  He floors it,
 and within 6 seconds the speedometer reads 60 mph.
 Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.  It
 seems to be getting closer!  He slows down to see what
 it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh!  Something
 whips by him, going much faster!!!!

 "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari!"
 the young man asks himself.

 He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to
 250 mph.  Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the
 old man on the moped.  Amazed that the moped could
 pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes
 the moped.  He looks in his mirror and sees the old man
 gaining on him again.

 Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the
 gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

 Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on
 him again.  The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing
 he can do.  Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his
 Ferrari, demolishing the rear.

 The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is
 still alive!!!  He runs up to the mangled old man and says,
 "Oh my goodness!  Is there anything I can do for you?"  The
 old man whispers....

 Unhook ...my suspenders from your side-view mirror."

Subj:     Lady Farts While Buying Expensive Car (S351, S566)
          From: Imogenelumen on 10/17/2003

 A lady walks into a Lexus dealership and browses
 around. Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful
 car and walks over to inspect it.

 As she bends forward to feel the fine leather
 upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence
 escapes her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks
 around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales
 person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back,
 there standing next to her is a salesman. With a
 pleasant smile he greets her, "Good day, Madame. How
 may we help you today?"

 Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting
 as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and
 asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

 Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madame, I'm
 very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it,
 you are gonna shit when you hear the price."

Subj:     Electric Drag Racing (S621b, S737d) 
          From: darrellvip on 11/30/2008
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/UAYrsEOxqYc
Photo from NEDRA.com

 This video features John Wayland's electric car, the White
 Zombie.  It explains what John has done to his 1972 Dawson,
 and shows it at the drag races.  You can see it by clicking

Subj:     Ford's New Truck (S500b, S864)
          From: ipkis on 97-06-16
      and From: AFine963 on 7/28/2013

 I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck. Go figure--
 it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.  I returned
 it to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the
 radio to work.  The service technician explained that the
 radio was voice activated.

 "Nelson", the technician said to the radio.

 The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

 "Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from
 the speakers.

 Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant
 "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

 I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time
 I'd say, "Beethoven", I'd get beautiful classical music,
 and if I said, "Beatles", I'd get one of their awesome songs.

 Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my
 new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.

 I yelled, "Ass Hole!"


 "Good morning, everyone. You're listening to the Rush
 Limbaugh Show"

 Damn I love this truck.... 

Subj:     A Blonde Borrows $5000 From Bank (S19, S835)
          From: RFSlick on 10/22/2003
      and From: CKButch4Femme on 1/13/2013

 A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the
 Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for
 two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

 The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security
 for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new
 Mercedes Benz SL 500.  The car is parked on the street in
 front of the bank.  The loan officer has the title and
 everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car
 collateral for the loan.

 The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh
 at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against
 a $5,000 loan.  An employee of the bank then proceeds to
 drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks
 it there.  Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the
 $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

 The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had
 your business, and this transaction has worked out very
 nicely, but we are a little puzzled.  While you were away,
 we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
 What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

 The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park
 my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be
 there when I return?"

 Finally... a smart blonde joke.

Subj:     Taking Your Wife Out (S390b)
          From: Imogenelumen on 7/14/2004
When I got home from work last night,
my wife demanded that I take her out
to some place expensive.

So I took her to the gas station.

Subj:     Two Mercedes At A Stoplight (S30, S427b)
          From: humorlist-digest V1 #178 on 97-08-22

 This L.A. guy bought a brand new Mercedes, and as luck
 would have it, he pulls up to a stoplight next to a guy
 with the same car.

 They eyed each other and the other guy said, "You got a
 phone in yours?"

 "Yes, I've got a phone!"

 "You got a TV?"

 "Yes, I've got a TV!"

 "You got a bed in yours?"

 "A bed? No," (dejectedly).

 The light changed and they took off.  This got to working
 on the guy.  He thought he had everything.  So, he turns
 around and drives straight to the dealership and tells
 them he wants a bed put in.

 They tell him that Mercedes don't come with beds, but the
 man was adamant and demanded a bed be installed.  Finally,
 they said they'd figure out a way.  The guy picks up his
 car and for the next two weeks drives all over L.A.
 looking for that guy to show him that he had a bed, too.

 He finally spots the car in a parking lot and pulls in
 beside it. He gets out and knocks on the window.  No
 answer.  He knocks again.  No answer. He starts to walk
 away when the   window rolls slowly down a bit and the
 guy growls, "What do you want?"

 He says, "I got a bed in my car!"

 The guy replies, "You got me out of the shower just to
 tell me that?"

Subj:     Car Has Flat Tire By Mental Hospital
          From: Octagon999 on 97-12-12

 Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his
 left rear tire suffers a flat.  While Jones is changing the
 tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in
 which Jones was keeping the lug nuts.  The nuts are all
 knocked into a nearby storm drain.

 Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call
 a cab when he hears a shout from behing the hospital fence,
 where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.

 "Hey, pal!  Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of
 the other three wheels?  That'll hold your tires on until
 you can get to a garage or something."

 Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but
 realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire
 without incident.  Before he leaves, he calls back to the
 patient.  "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking.  Why
 do they have you in there?"

 The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy,
 not because I'm stupid."

Subj:     Mini Van Towed By A Jaguar
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 12/29/97

 A man was driving along in his mini and it broke down.  He
 was parked on the verge trying fix it when a Jaguar pulled
 over in front of him and the man offered to help.  After a
 few minutes they obviously weren't going to get it going
 so the Jaguar driver offered him a tow.  They hitched up
 the mini and agreed that, if he was going too fast, the
 mini would blow his horn and flash his lights to get him
 to slow down and off they set.

 At the next traffic lights a Ferrari pulls up beside the
 Jaguar and revs his engine provocatively a few times.
 When the lights turn to amber the Ferrari and the Jaguar
 burn rubber and are both soon doing 140 mph.

 After a while they go through a speed trap and the
 policeman, realising that he will need help to catch
 them, radios in for assistance saying: "You won't believe
 what I saw; a Ferrari and a Jaguar doing 140mph side by
 side and a mini behind them flashing his lights and
 blowing his horn trying to get past".

Subj:     18 Gas Price Cartoons (S450)
          From: RFSlick on 8/30/2005
 You can view these eleven, cute cartoons by clicking 'HERE'.

Subj:     Did You Look Under The Hood? (S49)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 12/29/97

 So my car broke down yesterday.  Naturally, I did what any
 other person does in that situation -- I looked under the
 hood.  Not that would ever really do any good, you under-
 stand.  Even if I could figure out what was wrong, even
 if the problem were blatantly obvious, like little green
 space aliens ripping out cables from the motor, it's not
 like I could do anything about it. ("Hey, we got any of
 that anti-space-alien fluid in the trunk?")

 We don't like to admit to ourselves that we know nothing
 about a particular topic -- that instead of going out and
 reading a book on automobile maintenance, we sat in front
 of the TV eating Cheetos and watching The Nashville
 Network's 24-hour Hee Haw Marathon.  So we look under the
 hood.  It's a Great American pasttime, performed by Great
 American citizens... usually on Great Broken American cars.

 I felt like I had to at least give it a shot -- so I
 checked the transmission fluid.  It was green, which I
 figured meant "Go," so I concluded that wasn't the problem.

 My next step was to take it to the garage where I engaged
 in another Great American pasttime of pretending I knew
 what the hell the mechanic was talking about.  Mechanics
 know that if you have no idea what they're talking about,
 they can pretty much charge you whatever they feel like,
 and you have to pretty much go along with it.  So you try
 to convince them that you know more about cars than they
 do. (Of course, if you did, you probably wouldn't have it
 in the garage in the first place, but I digress...)

 Mechanic: Hmmm... could be the spark wires.

 Me: Yeah, they never looked too good to me.

 Mechanic: Or maybe the coil pack.

 Me: I hear they can cause problems.

 Mechanic: (Getting suspicious) Do you know what a coil pack does?

 Me: Umm... pack the coils?

 Mechanic: Uh-huh... right. Or it could be the... fallopian tubes.

 Me: Yeah, right. Could be.

 Mechanic: Or a busted bible belt.

 Me: Sure. I thought it was sounding funny.

 Mechanic: (Having fun now) Or maybe your rotweiler springs
    have created a bedpan in the space-time continuum.

 Me: That's what I thought, too. So, how much will it cost to fix?

 Mechanic: $87,000.

 Me: Uhh... okay.

 I'm pretty much at the mercy of these guys and without a car.
 Of course, up until now, San Francisco had been enjoying an
 unprecedented spell of good weather.  Since then, it's rained
 continuously.  I'm sure that's more than a coincidence. Know
 those third-world countries where people are starving because
 they haven't had rain since Kevin Costner was in a good movie?
 I should just bring my car over there and have it break down.
 As long as they agree to pay the mechanic's bill.

 Naturally, this is coming at the worst possible time of the
 year, because I still have to Christmas shop for people.
 Luckily, I'm within walking distance of a lot of cool shops.
 Unfortunately, they're all hip, trendy, semi-alternative
 Haight Ashbury shops, which makes it really hard to get
 stuff for my parents. ("Gosh, son, a 'Policeman are dickheads'
 bumper sticker and a gift certificate for a free tattoo.
 You're outta the will.")

 Yeah, I live in Haight-Ashbury, which used to be a big old
 hippie paradise back in the 60's.  Now, on the corner of
 Haight and Ashbury is a Gap.  To me, this kind of symbolizes
 everything that happened to the 60's.  Remember the whole
 hemp revolution? How you can make really cheap cloth and
 paper and...I dunno... aluminum siding... out of hemp?  But
 of course, if you go to a store and actually try to purchase
 some of this trendy "cheap" hemp clothing, it costs more
 than most aircraft.

 It's nice to see that in some ways, that revolutionary
 spirit of the 60's still hasn't quite died.  When I walk
 down the street, there are always kids asking for change.
 I tell them, "Sure! I'm willing to get up off my butt and
 change this country for the better."  Then they say some-
 thing along the lines of, "You dumb-ass.  I just want
 money." Of course, there's no way I can help them out with
 that. The mechanic took it all.

Subj:     How To Identify Where A Driver Is From (S133)
          From: TNKRTEACH on 97-06-28
      and From: KMacinty on 8/12/99

  Moved to 'Driver Identification By State' in CARS3

Subj:     Car Thefts
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 12/31/97

 Car Thefts - from Alexander Forbes Communications Division,
 South Africa

 Although crime seems to be the best paid profession in
 South Africa at the moment, it is still not as sophisticated
 as in some of the other parts of the world.

 A Gentleman based in Bogota, Columbia, tells the story of a
 fellow American whose new Mercedes Benz was stolen off the
 street.  The next day, he received a phone call demanding a
 $10,000 ransom.  On the advice of his insurers, he paid up,
 and the robbers duly left his car where he could find it.

 The next day they phoned again, saying that because he had
 paid so promptly, his car was "insured" against theft for
 a full year.  A week later, however, his Merc was gone
 again.  The same thieves phoned to demand $10,000. "But it's
 not fair," protested the victim, "you stole my car before
 and promised it wouldn't happen again for 12 months."  After
 first protesting that this was impossible, the caller
 promised to check, and the victim could hear computer keys
 over the phone. Finally, the caller was back on the line,
 full of apologies, and told the victim where his Merc
 could be found.

 When he got there the American found not only his car, but
 also a bottle of French Champagne on the front seat, as
 well as a card apologizing for the mistake and the

Subj: Why Your Mom Said Don't Pick Up Hitchhikers!
      From: darrell94590 (S457) on 10/25/2005

 To view these six pictures click 'HERE'.

                           -(o o)-
..........................From Smiley_Central