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Subj:     Cars2 Jokes
                 (Includes 30 jokes and articles, 15 1031,9,cf,wYT2a,5)

          Click "Here" for Cars-Supp3
 


Mechanic  from
Animation Factory
Includes the following:  Honda The Power Of Dreams - Video (S978 in Supp3)
.........................SNL Mercedes AA Class - Video (S1020 in Supp3)
.........................Jeff Gordon: Test Drive 2 - Pepsi Ad (S947 in Supp3)
.........................Toyota i-Road - Commercial (S941 in Supp3)
.........................Repairing Your Car At K-Mart (S190, S403 in Supp3)
.........................Photo Puzzle (S898 in Supp3)
.........................The Dancing Traffic Light - Video (S924 in Supp3)
.........................Crazy Female Drivers (S189, S535c in Supp3)
.........................Snoopy - Obey The Road Signs  (S1023 in Supp3)
.........................Official Fiat 500X Teaser - Blue Pill - Ad (S930 in Supp3)
.........................Toyota Vs Ford (S556b in Supp3)
.........................Pipe Found In My Car - Photo (S1015 in Supp3)
.........................1920s Oilfield Dodge Promotional Film (S921 in Supp3)
.........................You Know You Drive A Beater If: (S160 in Supp3)
.........................Bizarro Cartoon (S1017 in Supp3)
.........................Dune Buggy That Can Fly - Video (S903 in Supp3)
.........................Red Giant Car Grinder - Video (S914 in Supp3)
.........................Car Keys (S902 in Supp3)
.........................The Epic Split By Jean-Claude Van Damme Video (S885-Supp3)
.........................Chuck Norris' Christmas Splits - Video (S885 in Supp3)
.........................Final Words Before Crashes (S195 in Supp3)
.........................Bizarro II Cartoon (S1031 in Supp3)
.........................Top Gear: The Smallest Car In The World - Vid (S870-Supp3)
.........................Woman w/Sick Kid Locks Keys In Car (S147, S369b in Supp3)
.........................150 Old Vehicles Videos and Movies (S1000 in Supp3)
.........................
.........................Speed Checked By Radar - Sign (S882)
.........................Lucky Day At The Race - Video (S586b)
.........................Sixteen Year-Old Buys Porsche (S452b)
.........................An Auto Mechanic And His Dog Mace (S405, S723)
.........................Dick Hits Pickup Windshield (S334, S641c)
.........................4X4 Hill Climb - Video (S515c)
.........................Bird Hits Car Winshield (S325)
.........................Man Tries To Get Boy In Car (S319)
.........................Scary Car Ride In Mexico (S298, S851)
.........................Stainless 1936 Fords (S616b)
.........................Protester Sits In Street (S246)
.........................Two Guys Out for A Drive (S293)
.........................Two Elderly Ladies Out For A Drive (S212, S424b)
.........................Wooden Cars (S455)
.........................Granny Stops Car Thieves (S205, S474)
.........................Granny Stops Car Thieves II (S654b)
.........................Granny Stops Car Thieves III - Video (S699)
.........................Three Guys Discuss Jobs And Cars (S185)
.........................Driver's Written Explanations Of Accidents
.........................Driver Leaves Note After Accident (S222)
.........................Non Sequitur On The High Gas Prices (S596c)
.........................Lawyer's Door Ripped Off A Jaguar (S92, S454)
.........................Moonlight Ride (S86)
.........................Car Won't Start After Buying
............................Vanilla Ice Cream (S85)
.........................What Your Car Really Says About You
.........................Driver's License (S457)
.........................LA Drivers License Application (S202)
.........................Girl Has Device That Causes Cars To Break Down
.........................Stripping At 100 mph (S223, S460)
.........................Guy Gets Help During Car Sex(S208)
.........................The Picture-Safe Auto Repair (S385)
.........................Short Car Jokes
..............................Best Friends Cross A Street - Video (S896 in Supp3)
..............................Rush Hour Intersection Traffic - Video (S927 - Supp3)
..............................Radio Flyer Car - Video (S949 in Supp3)

============================================================Top
Subj:     Speed Checked By Radar - Sign (S882)
          From: George Takei on 11/30/2013
 Source: ManiacWorld.com
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Top
Subj:     Lucky Day At The Race (S586b,dwmv)
          From: edapsmas on 4/11/2008

 This seven second video shows a very lucky worker
 at the raceway.  Click 'HERE' to view this WMV video.

Top
Subj:     Sixteen Year-Old Buys Porsche (S452b)
          From: LABLaughsAdult on 9/15/2005

 A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his
 parents began to fuss, "Where did you get that car???!!!

 He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

 "With what money?" demanded his parents? "We know what a
 Porsche costs."

 "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

 So the parents began to panic and asked. "Who would sell
 a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

 "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't
 know her name; they just moved in.

 She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to
 buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

 "Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother to the boys father,
 "John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

 So the boy's father walked up the street to the house
 where the lady lived and found her out in the yard
 calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the
 father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for
 fifteen dollars and demanded to know what was going on.

 "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my
 husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned
 from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary.

 The secretary took his money and left him after they had
 arrived.

 He called me and claimed he was robbed and stranded. He
 asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.
 So I did."

Top
Subj:     An Auto Mechanic And His Dog Mace (S405, S723)
          From: DafterLafter on 10/20/2004

 A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace.
 Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's
 lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.  The grass
 eventually became overgrown.

 One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and
 dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass.  He couldn't
 find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

 That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass
 in the backyard.  The next morning the mechanic went outside
 and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight.  Realizing what
 had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed,

 "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!

Top
Subj:     Dick Hits Pickup Windshield (S334, S641c)
          From: DoctorDebt on 6/19/2003
      and From: darrellvip on 4/20/2009

 A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing
 about his deplorable infidelity.  Suddenly, the woman
 reaches over and slices the man's penis off.  Angrily,
 she tosses it out the car window.

 Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old
 daughter.  The little girl was just chatting away at
 her father when, all of a sudden, the penis smacks the
 pickup on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then
 flies off.

 Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what
 the heck was that?"  Not wanting to expose his nine
 year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young
 age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

 The daughter sits with a confused look on her face,
 and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big
 dick, didn't it?"

Top
Subj:    4X4 Hill Climb (S515c,d)
         From: darrell94590 on 11/28/2006
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/k7b2r4JpAWo 

 These 4x4 hill climbers are nuts.  This short video clip is
 amazing.  Click 'HERE' to watch this impossibly steep climb.

Top
Subj:     Bird Hits Car Winshield (S325)
          From: joke-of-the-day.com on 4/20/03

 The other day I was on my way home from work when the most
 remarkable thing happened.  Traffic was heavy as usual, and
 as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed
 into my windshield.  If that wasn't bad enough, the poor
 creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper.

 Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird
 stuck on my windshield.  Without any other apparent options,
 turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do.
 It actually worked.

 On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing...
 it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me.  No,
 it didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle,
 but the car behind me was a police car.

 Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I
 was forced to pull over.  The officer walked up and told me he
 saw what had happened at the light.  Trying to plead my case
 fell on deaf ears.  He simply stated: I am going to have to
 write you up for flipping me the bird.

Top
Subj:     Man Tries To Get Boy In Car (S319)
          From: LABLaughs.com on 3/7/2003

 An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day
 when a car pulls over next to him.  "If you get in the
 car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece
 of candy."

 The boy refuses and keeps on walking.  A few moments
 later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving
 the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two
 pieces of candy?"

 The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on
 walking.  Still further down the road the man pulls
 over to the side road.  "OK," he says, "this is my
 final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you
 can eat."  The little boy stops, goes to the car and
 leans in.

 "Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the Chevrolet,
 Dad. You'll have to live with it!"

Top
Subj:     Scary Car Ride In Mexico (S298, S851)
          From: agrief on 10/15/2002
      and From: ginafm on 10/5/2008

 This story happened about a month ago in a little town in
 Mexico, and even when it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock
 tale it's real.  This guy was on the side of the road hitch
 hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm.

 The night was rolling and no car went by, the storm was so
 strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.  Suddenly
 he saw a car coming towards him and stop.

 The guy without thinking about it got in the car closes the
 door just to realize there's nobody behind the wheel.  The
 car starts slowly, the guy looks at the road and sees a curve
 coming his way, scared he starts to pray begging for his life.
 He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the
 curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel.
 The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears
 every time they are before a curve.  The guy gathering
 strength gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town.

 Wet and in shock he goes to a cantina and asks for two shots
 of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible
 experience he went thru.  A silence enveloped everybody when
 they realize the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

 About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina
 and one said to the other. "Look Pepe, that's the loser that
 got in the car when we were pushing it."

Top
Subj:     Stainless 1936 Fords (S616b)
          From: gattica30 on 10/28/2008
..........At: (Removed from alleghenyludlum.com)

 This is the 1936 Ford Tudor Sedan built for and owned by
 Allegheny Ludlum Steel.  This is 1 of only 4 in existence
 and is the only one currently in running & in road worthy
 condition.  All 4 cars each had over 200,000 miles on them
 before they removed them from service.  Click 'HERE' to
 see this stainless Steel beauty.

Top
Subj:     Protester Sits In Street (S246)
          From: jerry on 10/19/2001

 "We're still scratching our heads."

 Comment made by Daly City, California police Sgt David
 Mackriss over an incident involving bonehead award winner
 two, a Palo Alto California man who, according to police,
 because he was angry that his RV was being towed because
 he didn't have a valid driver's license, to protest, threw
 himself down on a busy roadway refusing to budge and was
 promptly run over twice by the same car which was fleeing
 from police.  He is now recuperating with multiple broken
 bones.
 

 And what says our award winner?

 "The car just ran right over my lap at 60 miles an hour.
 I was sitting up, and my lefts were stretched out.  It
 almost hit my nose.  He could have killed me."

 Glad he came to his senses.

 San Francisco Chronicle 3-Oct-01

Top
Subj:     Two Guys Out for A Drive (S293)
          From: HuntMcmahunt on 9/13/2002

 A man was taking a drive in the city with his friend, but
 every time his friend would come to red light, he would go
 right through it.  The man says to his friend after the
 second time, "Why are you going through the red lights?"

 His friend says, "Don't worry, my brother drives like
 this."  They come to the third and he asks again, "What
 are you doing?"  The friend says, "I told you, don't worry,
 my brother drives like this."

 Finally they come to a green light and his friend stops.
 Bewilderedly he asks, "Why have you stopped at the green
 light?"  Says his friend, "Hey, my brother might be coming
 the other way!"

Top
Subj:     Two Elderly Ladies Out For A Drive (S212, S424b)
          From: RFSlick on 2/11/2001
 Source: (Removed from craftonreunion.org)

 Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither
 could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising
 along, they came to an intersection.  The stoplight was red
 but they just went on through.

 The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must
 be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red
 light."

 After a few more minutes they came to another intersection,
 the light was red, and again they went right through.  This
 time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been
 red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
 She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close
 attention.

 At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was
 definitely red and they went right through it.  She turned
 to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just
 ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed
 us"

 Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh crap! Am I driving?"

Top
Subj:     Wooden Cars (S455 in Artists)
          From: darrell94590 on 10/12/2005
 Livio De Marchi, a wood carver and sculptor from Venice, Italy
 is amazing.  His web site at http://www.liviodemarchi.com/ is
 outstanding.  You can view 29 pictures of his works in the
 attached by clicking 'HERE'.

Top
Subj:     Granny Stops Car Thieves (S205, S474)
          From: RFSlick on 11/06/2000
      and From: flovilla on 2/11/2006

 An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning
 to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her
 vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
 proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I
 have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car,
 you scumbags!"

 The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got
 out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken,
 proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the
 car and get into the driver's seat.  She was so shaken that
 she could not get her key into the ignition.  She tried and
 tried and then it dawned on her why.

 A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or
 five spaces farther down.  She loaded her bags into her car
 and drove to the police station.  The sergeant to whom she
 told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and
 pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale
 white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly
 woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and
 curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

 No charges were filed.

 Though this is a wonderful story, it is an Urban Legend
 from the early 1900s.  You can read about the origin at
 http://www.snopes.com/crime/justice/grannies.htm

Top
Subj:     Granny Stops Car Thieves II (S654b)
          From: tom on 7/16/2009
 Source: http://www.snopes.com/crime/justice/grannies.asp

 Click 'HERE' to read this cute newspaper article.  It's
 an urban legend, but still a wonderful article.

Top
Subj:     Granny Stops Car Thieves III (S699d)
          From: tom on 6/4/2010
 Source: http://www.youtube.com/embed/Q1wrCR_Gq0g

 This British ad for free eye tests at St. Johns Eye
 Care Center is a very cute video.  Click 'HERE' to see
 this great ad.

Top
Subj:     Three Guys Discuss Jobs & Cars (S185)
          From: Bawdy.Net Collage #320 08/13/2000

 Three men met at a party, and it wasn't long until the
 conversation got around to their line of work and what kind
 of cars they drove.

 "I'm a veterinarian," said the first fellow. "So, naturally,
 I drive a white 'Vet."

 As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, "I own a
 sign company, so I drive a purple Neon."

 Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on
 by the other two.  "Well," he finally said, "I'm a proctologist
 and I have a brown Probe."

Top
Subj:     Driver's Written Explanations Of Accidents
          From: collins2 on 4/17/99

 Some explanations for traffic accidents, as given to Houson
 police officers investigating the incidents.

 Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with
 a tree I don't have.

 The other car collided with mine without giving warning of
 its intentions.

 I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up
 when I put my head through it.

 I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

 A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

 A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

 The guy was all over the road.  I had to swerve a number
 of times before I hit him.

 I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
 mother-in- law and headed over the embankment.

 In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

 I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way
 home.  As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up,
 obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.

 I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the
 wheel and had an accident.

 I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my
 universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

 As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared
 in a place where no stop had ever appeared before.  I was
 unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

 To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the
 pedestrian.

 My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

 An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.

 I told the police that I was not injured; but on removing
 my hat, found that I had fractured my skull.

 I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other
 side of the road when I struck him.

 The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran
 over him.

 I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced
 off the roof of my car.

 The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a
 large car with a big mouth.

 I was thrown from my car as it left the road.  I was later
 found in a ditch by some stray cows.

 The telephone pole was approaching.  I was attempting to
 swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.

Top
Subj:     Driver Leaves Note After Accident (S222)
          From: Joke-Of-The-Day.com on 5/1/2001

 A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights
 broken and considerable damage.  There's no sign of the
 offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a
 note stuck under the windshield wiper.

 "Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer.  The witnesses who
 saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they
 think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars.
 But I'm not."

Top
Subj:     Non Sequitur On The High Gas Prices (S596c)
          By Wiley Miller on 6/20/2008
 Source: http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2008/06/20
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Top
Subj:     Lawyer's Door Ripped Off A Jaguar (S92, S454)
          From: mbucher on 98-11-03
      and From: darrell94590 on 9/27/2005

 A very successful LA lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar
 XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his
 colleagues.  As he was getting out of the car, a truck
 came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore
 off the driver's door of the Jag.

 The counselor immediately grabbed his cell telephone,
 dialed 911, and it was not more than 5 minutes before a
 police officer pulled up.  Before the cop had a chance
 to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming
 hysterically.

 His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before,
 was now completely ruined and would never be the same,
 no matter how the body shop tried to make it like new
 again.

 After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the
 cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.  "I can't
 believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said.
 "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't
 notice anything else."

 "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

 The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm
 is missing from the  elbow down?.... It must have been
 torn off when the truck hit you."

 "Oh My God!" screamed the lawyer, finally noticing the
 bloody left elbow where his arm once was, "Where's my
 Rolex!!!!!"

Top
Subj:     Moonlight Ride (S86)
          From: RFSlick on 98-09-16

 Jenny was so happy about the house they had found.
 For once in her life 'twas on the right side of town.
 She unpacked her things with such great ease.
 As she watched her new curtains blow in the breeze.

 How wonderful it was to have her own room.
 School would be starting, she's have friends over soon.
 There'd be sleep-overs, and parties: she was so happy.
 It's just the way she wanted her life to be.

 On the first day of school, everything went great.
 She made new friends and even got a date.
 She thought, "I want to be popular and I'm going to be,
 Because I just got a date with the star of the team!"

 To be known in this school you had to have a clout,
 And dating this guy would sure help her out.
 There was only one problem stopping her fate.
 Her parents had said she was too young to date.

 "Well, I just won't tell them the entire truth.
 They won't know the difference: what's there to lose?"
 Jenny asked to stay with her friends that night.
 Her parents frowned but said, "All right."

 Excited, she got ready for the big event.
 But as she rushed around like she had no sense,
 She began to feel guilty about all the lies,
 But what's a pizza, a party, and a moonlight ride?

 Well the pizza was good, and the party was great,
 But the moonlight ride would have to wait.
 For Jeff was half drunk by this time.
 But he kissed her and said that he was just fine.

 Then the room filled with smoke and Jeff took a puff.
 Jenny couldn't believe he was smoking that stuff.
 Now Jeff was ready to ride to the point,
 But only after he'd smoked another joint.

 They jumped in the car for the moonlight ride,
 Not thinking that he was too drunk to drive.
 They finally made it to the point at last,
 And Jeff started trying to make a pass.

 A pass is not what Jenny wanted at all
 (and by a pass, I don't mean playing football).
 "Perhaps my parents were right....maybe I am too young.
 Boy, how could I ever, ever be so dumb."

 With all of her might, she pushed Jeff away:
 "Please take me home, I don't want stay."
 Jeff cranked up the engine and floored the gas.
 In a matter of seconds they were going too fast.

 As Jeff drove on in a fit of wild anger,
 Jenny knew that her life was in danger.
 She begged and pleaded for him to slow down,
 But he just got faster as they neared the town.

 "Just let me get home!  I'll confess that I lied.
 I really went out for a moonlight ride."
 Then all of a sudden, she saw a big flash.
 "Oh God, Please help us!  We're going to crash!"

 She doesn't remember the force of impact.
 Just that everything all of a sudden went black.
 She felt someone remove her from the twisted rubble,
 And heard, "Call an ambulance!  These kids are in trouble!"

 Voices she heard...a few words at best.
 But she knew there were two cars involved in the wreck.
 Then wondered to herself if Jeff was all right,
 And if the people in the other car were alive.

 She awoke in the hospital to faces so sad.
 "You've been in a wreck and it looks pretty bad."
 These voices echoed inside her head,
 As they gently told her that Jeff was dead.

 They said "Jenny, we've done all we can do.
 But it looks as if we'll lose you too."
 "But the people in the other car?" Jenny cried.
 "We're sorry, Jenny, they also died."

 Jenny prayed, "God, forgive me for what I've done.
 I only wanted to have just one night of fun."
 Tell those people's family, I've made their lives dim,
 And wish I could return their families to them."

 "Tell Mom and Dad I'm sorry I lied,
 And that it's my fault so many have died.
 Oh, nurse, won't you please tell them that for me?"
 The nurse just stood there-she never agreed.

 But took Jenny's hand with tears in her eyes.
 And a few moments later Jenny died.
 A man asked the nurse, "Why didn't you do you best,
 To bid that girl her one last request?"

 She looked at the man with eyes oh so sad.
 "Because the people in the other car were her mom and dad."
 This story is sad and unpleasant but true,
 So young people take heed, it could have been you.

 Contributed by: Ray G.

Top
Subj:     Car Won't Start After Buying Vanilla Ice Cream (S85)
          From: smiles on 98-09-18

 For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious is
 not always the solution, and that the facts, no matter how
 implausible, are still the facts ...

 A complaint was received by a major car manufacturer:

 "This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame
 you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but
 it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice
 cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice
 cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole
 family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I
 drive down to the store to get it.  It's also a fact that I
 recently purchased a new car and since then my trips to the
 store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy
 vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car
 won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car
 starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this
 question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about
 your car that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream,
 and easy to start whenever get any other kind?'"

 The President of the car company was understandably skeptical
 about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway.

 He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time,
 so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream
 store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough,
 after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start.

 The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night,
 the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he
 got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered
 vanilla. The car failed to start.

 Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that
 this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged,
 therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to
 solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take
 notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of
 gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc.

 In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy
 vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the
 layout of the store.

 Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case
 at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other
 flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different
 counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavor
 and get checked out.

 Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't
 start when it took less time. Once time became the problem --
 not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with
 the answer:  vapor lock. It was happening every night, but the
 extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to
 cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the
 engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.

 Moral of the story: even insane looking problems are sometimes
 real.

Top
Subj:     What Your Car Really Says About You
          From: ossama on 98-08-14

 Acura Integra
     I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
 Acura Legend
     I'm too bland for German cars
 Acura NSX
     I am impotent
 Audi 90
     I enjoy putting out engine fires
 Buick Park Avenue
     I am older than 34 of the 50 states
 Cadillac Eldorado
     I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
 Cadillac Seville
     I am a pimp
 Chevrolet Camaro
     I enjoy beating the hell out of people
 Chevrolet Cavalier
     I am a sex machine
 Chevrolet Chevette
     I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them
     I have a 'Vette
 Chevrolet Corvette
     I'm in a mid-life crisis
 Chevrolet El Camino
     I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
 Chrysler Cordoba
     I dig the rich Corinthian leather
 Datsun 280Z
     I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
 Dodge Dart
     I teach third grade special education and
     I voted for Eisenhower
 Dodge Daytona
     I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
 Ferrari Testarossa
     I am known to prematurely ejaculate
 Ford Fairmont
     (See Dodge Dart)
 Ford Mustang
     I slow down to 85 in school zones
 Ford Crown Victoria
     I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and
     change lanes when I pull up behind them
 Geo Storm
     I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
 Geo Tracker
     I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
 Honda del Sol
     I have always said, half a convertible is
     better than no convertible at all
 Honda Civic
     I have just graduated and have no credit
 Honda Accord
     I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
 Infiniti Q45
     I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
 Isuzu Impulse
     I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
 Jaguar XJ6
     I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is
     in the shop 280 days per year.
 Kia Sephia
     I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
 Lamborghini Countach
     I only have one testicle
 Lincoln Town Car
     I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
 Mercedes 500SL
     I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
 Mercedes 560SEL
     I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
 Mazda Miata
     I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler
 MGB
     I am dating a mechanic
 Mitsubishi Diamante
     I don't know what it means either
 Nissan 300ZX
     I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
 Oldsmobile Cutlass
     I just stole this car and I'm going to make a
     fortune off the parts
 Peugeot 505 Diesel
     I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
 Plymouth Neon
     I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
 Pontiac Trans AM
     I have a switchblade in my sock
 Porsche 911 Turbo
     I have a three inch thingy
 Porsche 944
     I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be
     inaccessible to me
 Rolls Royce
     I think Pat Buchanan is a tad bit tool iberal
 Saturn SC2
     (See Honda Civic)
 Subaru Legacy
     I have always wanted a Japanese car even more
     inferior than Isuzu
 Toyota Camry
     I am still in the closet
 Volkswagen Cabriolet
     I am out of the closet
 Volkswagen Beetle
     I still watch Partridge Family reruns
 Volvo 740 Wagon
     I am frightened of my wife

Top
Subj:     Driver's License (S457)
          From: darrell94590 on 10/27/2005

 You can now view anyone's drivers license on line
 if you have their first name, last name, city, and
 state.  Go to the website and check it out at

 http://www.license.shorturl.com/

 After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked
 "Please Remove". This will remove it from public viewing, but
 not from law enforcement.  The government should never have
 released this information to the public.

Top
Subj:     LA Drivers License Application (S202)
          From: Ossama's Laugh on 6/14/98
      and From: gheckman on 12/10/2000

 Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in LA,
 you may not have realized that the California Department
 of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and
 driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

 Here it is:

 GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
 

 1) Name:___________________  2) Stage name: __________________

 3) Agent:  ________________  4) Attorney:   __________________

 5) Sex:

    [  ]  male          [  ]  female
    [  ]  formerly male [  ]  formerly female
    [  ] both          [  ]  Other (please explain):______
 

 6a)  If female, indicate breast implant size:  _______
 

 6b)  Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to

      safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?

      [  ]  Yes          [  ]  No
 

 7)   Occupation:

      [  ]  Lawyer
      [  ]  Actor/Waiter
      [  ]  Film-maker/Self-employed
      [  ]  Writer/Unemployed
      [  ]  Car Dealer
      [  ]  Pan-handler
      [  ]  Agent
      [  ]  Hooker/Transvestite
      [  ]  Other (please explain): ______________
 

 8a)  Please indicate how many times per year you expect to

      have sex in your car ________
 

 8b)  Please indicate how much you plan to spend

      for this sex ________
 

 9)   Please list brand of cell phone:  __________.  (If you

      do not own a cell phone, please explain.) ____________.
 

 10)  Please check haircolor:

      Females:   [  ] Blonde     [  ] Platinum Blonde

      Teenagers: [  ] Purple     [  ] Blue     [  ] Skinhead

      Men (Please list shade of hair-plugs): _______________
 

 11)  Please check activities you perform while driving:
      (Check all that apply)

      [ ] Eating a wrap
      [ ] Shaving
      [ ] Applying make-up
      [ ] Talking on the phone
      [ ] Slapping kids in the backseat
      [ ] Having sex
      [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
      [ ] Tanning
      [X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
      [ ] Watching TV
      [ ] Reading Variety
      [ ] Surfing the net via laptop
 

 12)  Please indicate how many times:

      a) you expect to shoot at other drivers     _______

      b) how many times you expect to be shot

         at while driving. _____
 
 

 13)  Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week:

      [  ]   1 to 2
      [  ]   3 to 4
      [  ]   5 or more
      [  ]   none (please explain):  __________________
 

 14)  Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
      (Check all that apply)

      [  ]   Prozac
      [ ]   Zovirax
      [  ]   Lithium
      [  ]   Zanax
      [ ]   none (please explain):  __________________
 

 15)  Please indicate if you drive:

      [  ]   Beamer
      [  ]   Lexus
      [  ]   Mercedes
      [  ]   Cabriolet.

      (If your answer is Cabriolet, please add six to eight
      weeks to normal delivery time for your driver's license.)
 

 16)  Length of daily commute:

      [  ]   1 hour
      [  ]   2 hours
      [  ]   3 hours
      [  ]   4 hours or more

Top
Subj:     Girl Has Device That Causes Cars To Break Down
          From: RFSlick on 98-05-13

 A girl had devised a device to cause any car that passed in
 front of her house to suddenly break down but couldn't find
 any practical way to profit from it.  So, thinking clearly,
 she set up the device, and as the cars passed the house and
 broke down, she'd offer the man in the car a place to stay
 for the night.  Then as soon as the man was asleep, he'd be
 jarred awake by her with his penis in her mouth, and she'd
 hold a sign up saying "$50 or I'll bite hard!".  Of course
 usually the guy would pay and she'd let him go.

 Well one day a Wisconsinite broke down, and had to stay
 the night.  Sure enough, he felt something between his legs
 at night, and there she is with him in her mouth and holding
 the sign "$50 or I'll bite."

 The Wisconsinite just smiled and said "$100 or I'll piss!"

Top
Subj:     Stripping To Speed Up The Car (S223, S460)
          From: humorlist-digest V2 #35 on 98-02-05
      and From: auntiegah on 11/16/2005

 A man and a woman were dating.  She being of a religious
 nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted
 from her so bad.  In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

 One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about
 his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told
 him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the
 speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

 He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.  He reached
 the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.  At 60 off came
 the pants.  At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

 Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster
 than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost
 control of the car.  He veered off the road over an embankment
 and wrapped the car around a tree.  His girlfriend was thrown
 clear but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas
 he was stuck.

 "Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything
 to cover myself with!" she replied.  The man felt around, but
 could only reach one of his shoes.  You'll have to put this
 between your legs to cover it up," he told her.  So she did
 as he said and went up to the road for help.

 Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along
 the road, he pulled over to hear her story.  "My boyfriend! My
 boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

 The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs
 replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a
 goner!

Top
Subj:     Guy Gets Help During Car Sex (S208)
          From: The Bartenders Joke of the day on 08 Jan 97
      and From: thebartend on 1/25/2001

 (See 'Ole And The Hooker' in Swedish_Etc)

 A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and
 they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges
 her. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants
 more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute I have to relive
 myself."  While out of the car he notices a guy a half block
 away changing a flat. He asks the guy "Look, I've got this
 gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times
 and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll
 take over for me."

 The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a
 cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.

 The cop asks "What're you doing in there?"

 The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."

 The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"

 The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was
 my wife until you shined the light on her."

Top
Subj:     The Picture-Safe Auto Repair (S385)
          From: jbcary1 on 6/10/2004
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