(Includes 110 jokes and articles, 22946,16,cf,wYT2a,8)
Ford Pickup from
Subj: Cheapest Tow Truck In Town (S946d)
From: Marilyn Janniro Hassey on Facebook
.......Click 'HERE' to see this twenty second video.
Thru Traffic (S507c,d)
From: lerman on 10/8/2006
This is a traffic cam at a busy
corner during a red light.
This 10 second video is amazing. I doubt you can watch
it just once. The version on my web site is 20 seconds and
runs the movie twice. To watch the video, click 'HERE'.
Subj: Those Crazy Women Drivers (S247, S520)
From: dogbyte on 10/25/2001
and From: jbcary1 on 1/7/2007
(See 'Crazy Female Drivers' in Cars-Supp3)
I tell you, women drivers are
a hazard to traffic. Driving
to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my
left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per
hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting
on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds
and when I looked back
she was halfway over in my lane.
As a man, I don't scare easily,
but she scared me so much;
I dropped my electric shaver which knocked the donut out of
my other hand. And in all the confusion of trying to
straighten out the car using my knees against the steering
wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell
into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim
and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an important call.
Car Protection System (S471c,d)
From: darrell94590 on 2/1/2006
This cute, short, video show
you a very unique protection
technique. To view it, click 'HERE'.
Subj: Auto Acronyms (S376b)
From: Dogstar's Doghouse Issue #7
Source: (Removed from mistywoods.topcities.com)
AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic
BMW Big Money Works
BUICK Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
DODGE Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FORD Flip over read directions
FORD (backwards) Driver Returns On Foot
GM General Maintenance
GMC Gotta Mechanic Coming?
HONDA Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive
OLDSMOBILE Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of
Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Gas Prices (S447b,d in Movies)
..........From: darrell94590 on 8/22/2005
This video clip from Jay Leno's
Tonight Show is very funny.
Jay and his buddy in his trunk, know how to deal with high
gas prices. You can view it by clicking 'HERE'.
Subj: How To Beat A Speeding Ticket (S225, DU)
From: KMACINTY on 5/23/2001
A police officer pulls a guy
over for speeding and has the
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had
it suspended when I got my
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen??
Driver: That's right. But come
to think of it, I think I
saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was
........putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where
I put it after I shot and
killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed
her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately
called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain
approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid.)
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open
your glove box so I can
see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's
no gun in it. (Sure enough,
there was nothing in the glove box.)
Captain: Would you mind opening
your trunk? I was told
you said there's a body in trunk..
Driver: No problem. (Trunk is opened; no body.)
Captain: I don't understand it.
The officer who stopped
you said you told him you didn't have a license,
stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox,
and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the
lying son of a bitch told
you I was speeding, too.
Rube Goldberg Honda Ad (S447d)
From: julie on 8/10/2005 (in Movies)
This amazing commercial cost
6 million dollars and it
took 3 months to film. There are no computer graphics
or digital tricks in these images. Everything that you
see happened in real time exactly as you see it. The
recording required 606 takes and in the first 605 takes
there always was something, usually of minor importance,
that didn't work. Click 'HERE' to see this wonderful
ad for the Honda Accord.
Subj: Driver Identification By State (S199, S204)
From: RFSlick on 11/22/2000
1. One hand on wheel, one hand
on horn: CHICAGO
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across
all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly
on accelerator: BOSTON
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf
cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator,
gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake,
quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator,
head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY
8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel,
cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game,
banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic:
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating
between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet
on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS
10. Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear
window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above
windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane
with the left blinker on: FLORIDA
12. Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes
constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for
visible emissions from their own or another's car: COLORADO
13. Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear
window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to
antenna: WEST VIRGINIA.
14. Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car
and who is now wearing a barrel: LAS VEGAS
15. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above
window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left
lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen"
driver, also known as "no-see-um"
Vehicle Barrier (S442b,d)
From: chicababe1978 on 7/10/2005
From time to time someone asks
me what the concrete
barriers are in front of controlled and secure buildings.
When I tell them that the barriers will stop traffic,
even trucks, from approaching the secure building I
usually get a look of disbelief.
I've been looking for some footage
like this to prove
my point. In this test, the following parameters were
used. Read them and then watch the film.
Truck = 65,000 lbs.
Speed = 50 mph
Kinetic Energy = 5.5 MILLION ft. lbs
Stopped in 24 INCHES !!!
Click 'HERE' to view this revealing video.
Subj: On Drive, Wife Wants Divorce (S174, S487)
From: thebartend on 5/26/00
and From: darrell94590 on 5/25/2006
(See 'Husband Wants To Divorce Wife' in MARRIAGE5)
A married couple is driving down
the interstate doing 55 mph.
The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him
and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but,
I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want
you to try to talk me out of it,
because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and
he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet
and just speeds up as his anger
She says, "I want the house."
Again the husband speeds up,
and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too."
The husband just keeps
driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the
checking account, and all the
credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward
a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before
they hit the wall at 90 mph,
"I've got the airbag!"
Gasoline Prices (S165, S377)
From: gheckman on 3/16/00
and From: Imogenelumen on 4/17/2004
To view this cute article and
Murphy's Laws Applied To Cars (S412)
From: mebharkins on 12/17/2004
Click 'HERE' to view the eleven photo page.
Subj: Car Horn Beeps (S325)
From: LABLaughs.com on 4/22/03
After shopping at a busy store,
another woman and I
happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced
with the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded
parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able
to locate my vehicle easily.
Wow," the woman said. "I sure
could use a gadget like that
to help me find my car."
"Actually," I replied, "that's
Airbag For Men - GIF (S435b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 5/24/2005
..........Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: Buzzing Stoplights (S176, S847)
From: agrief on 6/15/00
and From: virv on 4/5/2013
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross
the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged
co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer
was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when
the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth
are blind people doing driving?"
Women Only Parking Lots (S443)
From: LABLaughsClean on 7/13/2005
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
to view the first picture available of this
world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota.
Subj: Driving The Wrong Way (S140, S461)
From: FrankRoesc on 10/08/1999
As a senior citizen was driving down the interstate,
his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's
voice urgently warning him, "George, honey, I just
heard on the news that there's some maniac in a car
going the wrong way on 95... Please be careful!"
"Heck, Louise," said George,
"It's not just one car.
There's hundreds of them!"
Bad License Plate (S429b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/14/2005
..........Source: (Rmoved from ezines4all.com)
Subj: Dirty License Plate (S121)
From: kate289 on 5/25/99
It took the Division of Motor Vehicles 6 months
to figure out and revoke this personalized license plate:
Can you tell why?
See answer below.
It spells out "Eat Me" in someone's rear view mirror.
If it's gots Wheels or Tits
Sooner or Later
Going to give you trouble.
Bad License Plate 2 (S431b)
From: LABLaughsAdult on 4/28/2005
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: Remote Door Locks (S293)
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 9/8/2002
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her
car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I
knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote
door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think
they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a
battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you
have an alarm too?" I asked. "No,
just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the
car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually
unlocked the door, I replied,
"Why don't you drive over there and check about the
batteries it's a long walk."
Subj: Gas Price Watch (S384)
From: igiggle on 6/5/2004
This web site is great for choosing where to buy your gas
Subj: Frank and Ernest On Gas Prices (S379)
By Bob Thaves on 04/20/2004
Subj: Daughter Wants To Borrow Car From Dad
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #201 on 97-10-09
A girl goes up to her father one night and says "Dad, can
I have the car tonight?" Her father looks at her thought-
fully and says, "Sure, if you blow my dick." So the girl
puts his penis in her mouth and almost immediately spits
it back out.
"Your penis tastes like shit!" She cries.
"Oh yeah," her father replied,
"I forgot I loaned the car
to your brother tonight."
Subj: Army Major Likes Women
Compiled by Max Weinstein 11/14/94
An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious
womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. "Turn the
car round," he ordered.
The driver promptly stalled the
car. By the time he had
re-started it, the girl had vanished. "Driver," said the
major, "you'd be a total loss in an emergency."
"I thought I did pretty well,"
the driver said. "That was
9 Amazing Vehicles (S438b)
From: LABLaughsClean on 6/14/2005
Source: (Removed from lablaughs.com)
Subj: Rich Lady And Chauffeur Get Flat (S126)
From: JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com on 6/26/99
A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they
get a flat tire. He gets out and starts trying to pry off
the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out
at him and says, "You wanna screwdriver?"
He says, "Hell, we might as well.
I can't get this freaking
Subj: Germans Buy German Cars In USA (S364)
From: jerry on 1/16/2004
Germany's Center Automotive Research (CAR) reports that,
because the euro has risen so far against the dollar,
German's can save 60,000 euros (enough to buy a Porsche
Cayenne) if they buy a German Porsche Carrera GT from a
dealer in the US and have it shipped back to Germany
where it was originally manufactured.
Frozen Pipes In The Garage (S364b)
From: CHRISDADDYG on 1/15/2004
Subj: Firestone Tires (S188)
..........From: JOELFALLON on 09/07/2000
Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Firestone Tires
10. "Safer than a Russian sub."
9. "The perfect gift for your mother-in-law."
8. "Because there's a lot riding on your lawsuit."
7. "Better than driving around on your axles, right?"
6. "Pop a set on your car today."
5. "C'mon, did you really expect good tires on a new Ford?"
4. "Reinforcing the importance of the speed limit."
3. "Hey, it's not like we crashed our blimp or something."
2. "Just between us, the Michelin Man is a homo."
1. "You can't recall a better tire."
Subj: Nursery School License Plate (S280b)
From: jerry on 6/12/2002
License plate found on a nursery school passenger van:
New California Drivers License (S347b)
From: DoctorDebt on 9/23/2003
To view, click 'Here'.
Until 1965, driving was done
on the left-hand side on roads
in Sweden. The conversion to right-hand was done on a week-
day at 5pm. All traffic stopped as people switched sides.
This time and day were chosen to prevent accidents where
drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too
sleepy to realize *this* was the day of the changeover.
In 1900 There were only 8,000
cars in the US and only 144
miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities
was ten mph.
From 'Strange Sex Laws' in LAWS
If a police officer in Coeur
d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a
couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their
horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed
to approach the scene.
Any couple making out inside
a vehicle, and accidentally
sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken
to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against
watching two people having sex in a car.
In Detroit, couples are not allowed
to make love in an
automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle
is parked on the couple's own property.
An excerpt form brilliant Kentucky
state legislation. "No
female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within
this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers
or unless she be armed with a club".
The following important ammendment
however is to be
considered here: "The provisions of this statuate shall
not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor
exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."
From LAWS file.
In Utah birds have the right of way on all highways...
In Memphis, Tennessee it is illegal
for a woman to drive by
herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle,
waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians
In St. Louis, a law on the books
makes it illegal to park
your car without turning off the engine. This was to
avoid scaring horses.
From: BawdyNet test part 3! on 98-03-01
*The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #59 on 98-03-09
Patience is something admired in the driver behind you,
but not in the one ahead of you.
The squeaky wheel gets the oil.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #63 on 98-03-13
Why do they always keep the bathrooms locked at the gas station...
(are they afraid they someone will get in and clean them?)
From: grs on 98-04-05
Why do we drive on parkways, and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport
something by car, its
called a shipment, but when you transport something by
ship. its cargo?
Why is it that when you're driving
and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?
From: RFSlick on 98-04-08
Forget about World Peace ... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust
if it was not for Fords
our tools would rust.
The Eisenhower interstate system
requires that one mile in
every five must be straight. These straight sections are
usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
The Boston University Bridge
(on Commonwealth Avenue,
Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world
where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car
driving under an airplane.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation
used in the army
for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.
The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
Average age of top GM executives
in 1994: 49.8 years.
Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.
The reason hot-rod owners raise
the backs of their cars is that
it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill.
Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
Facts about Americans. Did you
71% can drive a stick-shift car.
45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.
2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light. 1/3 of us don't
wear seat belts.
12% of men never use their car blinkers.
44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
25% of us drive after we've been drinking.
4 out of 5 sing in the car.
From: ossama on 98-05-05
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #115 on 98-05-10
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
From: humorlist-digest V2 #116 on 98-05-11
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
From: Tom_Adams on 98-05-30
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
From: RFSlick on 98-08-25
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
From: ossama on 98-09-03
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to
honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production
in Canada this year.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #215 on 98-09-12
Kids in the back seat cause accidents;
accidents in the back seat cause kids.
There are two kinds of pedestrians...
the quick and the dead.
From: auntieg on 98-11-14
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used
in the army for the General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
From: humorlist-digest V2 #297 on98-12-18
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-- Erma Bombeck
From: humorlist-digest V2 #294 on 98-12-14
When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my
grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers
in his car.
From: ossama on 99-02-25
There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
From: homeschooling.guide on 99-02-26
After watching the Daytona 500 on TV, Steve Rushin of Sports
Illustrated says, ``The sport began to grow on me like
shower-curtain mildew.'' Previously, he said, he believed
auto racing fans ``fell into one of two categories: tattooed,
shirtless, sewer-mouthed drunks; and their husbands.''
From: smiles on 4/13/99 (S115)
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
From: RFSlick on 5/31/99
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as
opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just
From: ICohen on 3/13/2001 (S215)
American car horns beep in the tone of F.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 5/25/2001
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
-- Robin Williams
From: RFSlick on 6/27/2001 (S231b)
Regular naps prevent old age.....especially
if you take them while driving.
From: dogbyte on 9/4/2001 (S240)
Every three minutes, somewhere in America a suburban
housewife backs the family car through the garage door.
From: Joke-Of-The-Day on 3/27/2002
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
From: LABLaughs.com on 6/19/2002 (S281b)
If everything seems under control,
you're just not going fast enough.
-- Mario Andretti
From: LABLaughs.com on 3/13/2002 (S267c)
"Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or
eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest
thing in life is to keep your mind young." -- Henry Ford
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/13/2002 on
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take
your eyes off your goal. -- Henry Ford (1863-1947)
From: LABLaughs.com on 9/4/2002 (S292b)
Whether you think that you can, or that you can't,
you are usually right. -- Henry Ford (1863-1947)
From: KMACINTY on 8/13/2002 (S289b)
Murray Walker, "The lead car is absolutely
unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."
From: LABLaughs.com on 12/7/2002 (S305b)
You'll learn more about a road by travelling it
than by consulting all the maps in the world...
From: joke-of-the-day.com on 5/9/2003
The shortest distance between two points is always
under construction. -- Noelie Alite
From: Joke-Of-The-Day-Mail.com on 6/19/2005
(S438b - thoughts-learned-supp)
My father always used to say that when you die, if you've
got five real friends, then you've had a great life.
-- Lee Iacocca
From: tadams96 on 6/6/2003 (S332b)
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca
From: Imogenelumen on 4/28/2004 (S378b
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
From: Imogenelumen on 5/15/2004 (S381b)
Never buy a car you can't push.
From: Shuttle Dave on June 25, 2004 (S386b)
Shuttle Dave is a retired man who drives the shuttle bus
for a auto dealership. "I only have this job to support
my viagra habit."
Q: What is the similarity between
FIAT cars and Italian girls ?
A: They're small on the outside, but
once you're inside, there's plenty of room.
Q: What's the difference between
a porcupine and a Porsche?
A: On the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
Q. What's the difference between
a LADA (small Russian car)
and a sheep?
A. It's more embarrassing if you're caught getting out the
back of a LADA.
Q: How can you tell when a used
car salesman is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
From: RFSlick on 98-04-10
Q: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A: Fill it with gas.
From: Bawdy.Net Collage #307 on 6/18/99
Q: How can you tell the porno star at the gas station?
A: Just as the gas starts up the hose, he pulls out the
nozzle and sprays the gas all over the car.
From: FrankRoesc on 99-02-19
Q: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A: You fill it with gas.
From: DoctorDebt on 6/1/2003 (S322b)
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A: On the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
From: LABLaughs.com on 8/28/2003 (S344b)
Q: If all the cars in the country were pink,
what would we have?
A: A pink car nation.
From: Anon Jr. on 9/17/2005 (S452b)
Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.