Subj:.....What, Exactly, Is The Internet? (S57)            From: humorlist-digest V2 #57           on 98-03-04 Drawing from Pryds.com...

Q. Who runs it? 
A. A 13-year-old named Jason. 

Q. How can I get on the Internet? 
A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular 
   commercial "on-line" services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe, 
   or America Online, which will give you their program disks 
   for free.  Or, if you just leave your house unlocked, they 
   will sneak in some night and install their programs on your 
   computer when you're sleeping.  They really want your 
   business. 

Q. What are the benefits of these services? 
A. The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user- 
   friendly" interfaces that enable you-even if you have no 
   previous computer experience-to provide the on-line 
   services with the information they need to automatically 
   put monthly charges on your credit card bill forever. 

Q. What if I die? 
A. They don't care. 

Q. Can't I cancel my account? 
A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime. 

Q. How? 
A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been 
   trying for years to cancel our on-line service accounts, but 
   no matter what we do, the charges keep appearing on our bills. 
   We're thinking of entering the Federal Witness Protection 
   Program. 

Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm 
   connected to an on-line service? 
A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things!  No end 
   of things! 

Q. Like what? 
A. You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat. 

Q. Chat? 
A. Chat. 

Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends. 
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people 
   all over the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, 
   many of whom are boring and stupid! 

Q. Sounds great! How does it work? 
A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat 
   in.  Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are 
   for specific interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat 
   Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who Read Religious 
   Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless Arguments 
   About Sports.  At any given moment, an area can contain 
   anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake 
   names such as "ByteMe2" so nobody will know their real 
   identities. 

Q. What are their real identities? 
A. They represent an incredible range of people, people of all 
   ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to 
   singers, from writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes 
   - you could be talking to almost anybody on the Internet! 

Q. Really? 
A. No. You re almost always talking to losers and hormone- 
   crazed 13-year-old boys.  But they pretend to be writers, 
   wranglers, scientists, singers, etc. 

Q. What do people talk about in chat areas? 
A. Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating 
   topic of who is entering and leaving the chat area.  A 
   secondary, but equally fascinating, topic is where every- 
   body lives.  Also, for a change of pace, every now and then 
   the discussion is interrupted by a hormone- crazed 13-year- 
   old boy wishing to talk dirty to women.  To give you an 
   idea of how scintillating  the repartee can be, here's a 
   re-creation of a typical chat area dialogue (do not read 
   this scintillating repartee while operating heavy machinery): 

 LilBrisket: Hi everybody 
 Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket 
 Toadster: Hi Bris 
 Lungftook: Hi B 
 LilBrisket: What's going on? 
 Toadster: Not much 
 Lungftook: Pretty quiet 
 (LONGISH PAUSE) 
 Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas? 
 LilBrisket: No 
 Toadster: Nope 
 Lungftook: Sorry 
 (LONGISH PAUSE) 
 UvulaBob: Hi everybody 
 Toadster: Hi UvulaBob 
 Lungftook: Hi Uvula 
 LilBrisket: Hi UB 
 Wazootyman: Hi U 
 UvulaBob: What's happening? 
 LilBrisket: Kinda slow 
 Toadster: Same old same old 
 Lungflook: Pretty quiet 
 Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties 
 LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man 
 (LONGISH PAUSE) 
 Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas? 
 UvulaBob: No. 
 (LONGISH PAUSE) 
 Lungftook: Well, gotta run. 
 Toadster.- 'bye, Lungflook 
 LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster 
 Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung 
 UvulaBob: So long, L 
 (LONGISH PAUSE) 
 PolypMaster: Hi everybody 
 LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster 
 Toadster: Yo, Polyp 
 UvulaBob: Hi, P 
 PolypMaster: What's going on? 
 LilBrisket: Not much 
 Toadster: Pretty quiet 
 UvulaBob: Kinda slow ... 

And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting hour, 
where the ideas flow fast and furious, and at any moment you 
could learn some fascinating nugget of global-network 
information, such as whether or not PolypMaster comes from 
Texas. 

Q. I've heard that people sometimes use Internet chat areas 
   to have "cybersex." What exactly is that? 
A. This is when two people send explicitly steamy messages to 
   each other, back and forth, back and forth, faster and 
   faster, hotter and hotter, faster and faster and hotter 
   and harder and harder until OHHHH GODDDDDDDD they suddenly 
   find that they have a bad case of sticky keyboard, if you 
   get my drift. 

Q. That's disgusting! 
A. Yes. 

Q. Could you give an example? 
A. Certainly: 

 Born2Bone: I want you NOW 
 HunniBunni: I want YOU now 
 Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes 
 HunniBunni: Yes! YES! 
 Born2Bone: I'm taking off your clothes 
 HunniBunni: OH YESSSS 
 (LONGISH PAUSE) 
 HunniBunni: Is something wrong? 
 Born2Bone: I can't unhook your brassiere 
 HunniBunni: I'll do it 
 Born2Bone: Thanks. Oh my god! I'm touching your, umm, your... 
 HunniBunni: Copious bosoms? 
 Born2Bone: Yes! Your copious bosoms! I'm touching them! 
 HunniBunni: YES! 
 Born2Bone: Both of them! 
 HunniBunni: YESSS!! 
 Born2Bone: I'm taking off your panties! 
 HunniBunni: You already did. 
 Born2Bone: Oh, OK. You're naked! I'm touching your entire nakedness! 
 HunniBunni: YESSSSSS!!! 
 Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas? 
 Born2Bone: No 
 HunniBunni: No 
 Born2Bone: I am becoming turgid in my manfulness! 
 HunniBunni: YES! YES YOU ARE!! YOU ARE A BULL! YOU ARE MY GREAT BIG 
             RAGING BULL STALLION! 
 Wazootyman: Hey, thanks  HunniBunni: Not you 
 Born2Bone: I AM A STALLION! I AM A RAGING, BULGING BULL STALLION, 
            AND I A  THRUSTING MY ... MY ... ummm ... 
 HunniBunni: Your love knockwurst? 
 Born2Bone: YES! I AM THRUSTING MY LOVE KNOCKWURST INTO YOUR ...
            YOUR ... 
 HunniBunni: Promise you won't laugh? 
 Born2Bone: Yes  HunniBunni: My passion persimmon 
 Born2Bone: Ha ha! 
 HunniBunni: You promised! 
 Born2Bone: Sorry. OK, here goes: I AM THRUSTING MY MASSIVE 
            KNOCKWURST OF LOVE INTO YOUR PASSION PERSIMMON! 
 HunniBunni: YES! YES! YES! 
 Born2Bone: OHHH! IT FEELS SO GOOD!! I FEEL POWERFUL!! 
 HunniBunni: YOU ARE POWERFUL, BORN2BONE!!
             I FEEL YOUR POWER INSIDE ME!!! 
 Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE ... 
 HunniBunni: Like what? 
 Born2Bone: IT FEELS JUST LIKE, OHMIGOD ... OHMIGOD ... 
 HunniBunni: TELL ME, BORN2BONE!! TELL WHAT IT FEELS LIKE!! 
 Born2Bone: OH GOD IT FEELS LIKE... IT FEELS LIKE WHEN I BREAK A 
            TIE VOTE IN THE SENATE! 
 HunniBunni: What did you say? 
 Born2Bone: Whoops 
 HunniBunni: It feels like when you break a tie vote in the Senate? 
 Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what I meant was ... 
 HunniBunni: This is you, isn't it, Al? ISN'T IT?? YOU BASTARD!!! 
             YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE ATTENDING A STATE FUNERAL THIS 
             AFTERNOON!!! 
 Born2Bone: Tipper? 
 HunniBunni.- Whoops