Subj:
Understanding Computer Jargon
From: ICohen on 6/29/99
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.
When I went to college
in the 1980's, I heard a lot of words
like "data input"
and "beta version." They confused me. I
wanted desperately
to know what people were talking about,
what Big Secret resided
in the computer industry.
Now that I've worked
in a computer company for the last few
years, I've gained
an insider's perspective. I decided to
share my knowledge
with the uninitiated by creating the
following brief,
handy glossary:
Alpha.
---------
Software undergoes
alpha testing as a first step in getting
user feedback.
Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
Beta.
--------
Software undergoes
beta testing shortly before it's released.
Beta is Latin for
"still doesn't work."
Computer.
------------------
Instrument of torture.
The first computer was invented by
Roger "Duffy" Billingsly,
a British scientist. In a plot to
overthrow Adolf Hitler,
Duffy disguised himself as a German
ally and offered
his invention as a gift to the surly dictator.
The plot worked.
On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at
the "Incompatible
File Format" error message that he shot
himself. The
war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy
began working for
IBM.
CPU.
----
Central propulsion
unit. The CPU is the computer's engine.
It consists of a
hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning
wheel that's powered
by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine
is a old machine,
a ferret if it's a Pentium and a ferret on speed
if it's a Pentium
II.
Default Directory.
------------------
Black hole.
Default directory is where all files
that you need disappear
to.
Error message.
---------------
Terse, baffling remark
used by programmers
to place blame on
users for the program's shortcomings.
File.
-----
A document that has
been saved with an unidentifiable name.
It helps to think
of a file as something stored in a file cabinet
except when you try
to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an
electric shock and
tells you the file format is unknown.
Hardware.
--------
Collective term for
any computer-related object that can
be kicked or battered.
Help.
-----
What we all need.
Actually, it is the feature that assists in
generating more questions.
When the help feature is used
correctly, users
are able to navigate through a series of Help
screens and end up
where they started from without learning anything.
Input/Output.
-----------
Information is input
from the keyboard as intelligible
data and output to
the printer as unrecognizable junk.
Interim Release.
----------------
A programmer's feeble
attempt at repentance.
Memory.
-----------
Of computer components,
the most generous in terms of variety,
and the skimpiest
in terms of quantity.
Printer.
-----------
A joke in poor taste.
A printer consists of three main
parts: the case,
the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Programmers.
-----------
Computer avengers.
Once members of that group of high
school nerds who
wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons
and Dragons, and
memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires
who create "user-friendly"
software to get revenge on whoever
gave them noogies.
Reference Manual.
-----------------
Object that raises
the monitor to eye level.
Also used to compensate
for that short table leg.
Scheduled Release
Date.
----------------------
A carefully calculated
date determined by
estimating the actual
shipping date and subtracting
six months from it.
User-Friendly.
--------------
Of or pertaining
to any feature, device or concept
that makes perfect
sense to a programmer.
Users.
-------
Collective term for
those who stare vacantly at a monitor.
Users are divided
into three types: novice, intermediate and
expert.
- Novice Users.
People who are afraid that simply pressing a
key might break their computer.
- Intermediate
Users. People who don't know how to fix their
computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
- Expert Users.
People who break other people's computers. |
